Don't stop 'til you get enough? ENOUGH.

Because The Powers That Be have decreed that three nights of Idol in the one week is barely enough*, we were subjected to not only the usual Sunday night car crash known as Motown but also the Up Close and Personal performances on Friday. UC&P nights are that ‘rare’ opportunity for the Idols to sing without being judged. But seeing that if they do make it in this industry they’re going to judged by every person they ever meet for the rest of their miserable mediocre RSL concert / local shopping mall appearance / supporting act for Shannon Noll singing ‘careers’, I think UC&P should be judged at least a little. Right?

*for ‘barely enough’ please feel free to substitute any of the following :
a) more Lee/DanS/DreadyDan? Oh my god, he is totally awesome and I wish I could watch him every night and he would be my boyfriend and that would make that bitch Suzie/Amber/Sasha/Tiffany at school sooooo jealous and she would totally want to sit with me at lunch and be my friend so she could steal him but I would be all ‘I don’t think so beeyotch, he’s MINE’.
b) an extra show at this point is fine now that Milly and FIHJ are gone and the level of mediocrity has lowered slightly plus they get to choose their own song which gives me more of an idea of what kind of music they’re into when they’re not pigeonholed by truly awful genres.
c) are you shitting me? An extra show? Dude, why? I think I get who these people are already and quite frankly I’d rather eat a live tarantula than get Up Close and Personal with any of them. Especially the guy with the dreads, I mean who knows what might be lurking in that hair. *shudder*
d) where is Charmed? Who are these morons? Is that Idol crap still on? GOD.


Anne:
UC&P : Dangerously in Love – Beyonce
I love you Anne, but this was so boring I fastforwarded through the last half of it. For all I know the rest was just freaking awesome but I somehow doubt it. Too much of the vocal gymnastics we all love to hate is making it very very difficult for me to continue defending you. I still think you have a better voice than your prayer buddy Shouty McSkankalot but when it comes to song choice, Emily is KILLING you.
Motown : If I Were Your Woman - Gladys Knight And the Pips
Register. Too low. Dance moves. Too stilted. Song choice. Too BORING. Anne! Sweet mother of all that is good, please please PLEASE start choosing better songs. You sang it reasonably well, but the lower register was a wee bit crackly and your eyes are starting to get this frantic scary glazed over look that I fear might be the result of the Touchdown-free environment you live in. Stop trying to please Holden, he is an ass. Stop singing all over the place and try the damn tune. Stop with the crazy eyes. Do not stop letting your mum come to the Sunday shows. She is awesome and I want to see her go head to head with Holden or Kyle . . . that would just about make my year.

The Anointed One:
UC&P : How Come You Don’t Call Me - Alicia Keys
I feel dirty. I don’t know why or how but Emily made me like her. This was a really strong performance, she ripped the vocals apart beautifully, she played with and up to the band and she looked like she was enjoying herself. Part of my problem with Emily the Cold is that every performance feels like an act, like she is putting on a show of what she thinks people want to see so that she will win. Which some might say is smart, but to me it just comes across as fake. But this? Was great. Why can’t you do that all the time EtC? I would be moved to consider burning a copy of that kind of CD . . .
Motown : River Deep, Mountain High - Tina Turner
. . . buuuut not this one. Gah. Oooh, look, it’s the artist formally known as Cosima. Sing sing sing, dance, wave to the crowd, dance, sing sing glory note sing annnnnnd finish wait for rapturous applause look humble accept touchdown like you had no idea that was going to happen oh my god I am so gracious and undeserving stick pin in fleshy part of leg and turn on waterworks. Ick.

DreadyDan:
UC&P : Rooster – Alice in Chains
Snooooooooooooore
Motown : Reach Out - The Four Tops
Snooooooooooooore
DreadyDan does nothing new – again. He looks bored – again. He doesn’t know how to interact with the tv cameras so spends both songs looking anywhere but at them – again. I take back all the comparisons with the CourtJester who – say what you will about his ego (which I never really saw as a problem, I loved that he stood up for himself and wish he would hurry up and release a CD) – was actually consistently fantastic, picked brilliant songs and seemed to actively listen to the judges (when they were being constructive – not you Marcia. Or you Holden. God I miss Dicko.) DreadyDan? Having a good voice? Not enough. Please get on Ebay and buy a personality and a smile that doesn’t look forced.

DeadtomeLee:
UC&P : Plush – Stone Temple Pilots
You rat faced little bastard. Don’t you DARE make me like you again. This is one of my favourite Stone Temple Pilots songs and if this is the kind of music you’re into than maybe you’re not so bad . . . *flashes back to Greenday fiasco* . . . no. I don’t care how well you sing this (and FYI, its not too bad), you are a one trick pony. One trick!
Motown : Ben - Michael Jackson
Hah!! See! One trick. Your new name is OneTrickPonyLee. Ouch. This doesn’t sound so great. In fact, its really quite bad. Lets ignore for the moment that Ben is NOT a motown song, not by any stretch of the imagination, and lets focus on the fact that when MJ sang this song he was a kid. He didn’t have a ‘falsetto’ as such, his voice was ALL falsetto. You can’t hit that note. Or that one. Gaaaaaaah, make the bad man stop singing mummy . . .

DanS:
UC&P : A Song for You – Don Hathaway
Hold on to your skirts ladies because Dan Spillane has FINALLY entered the building. That was just lovely. You can sing to me post coitally ANY day of the week.
Motown : Shaky Ground - The Temptations
You still can’t do a falsetto but man, why have you been hiding your light under that bushel? Bad bushel, bad bad bad. For the first time I think you actually deserve to be here. You’re singing well, you’re hardly shaking with barely suppressed fear at all anymore and you look like you’re enjoying yourself. You don’t deserve to go tonight based on these two performances at all. Good work, that man.

TeamKate :
UC&P : Ironic – Alanis Morissette
I really liked what TeamKate did with this song. She fiddled nicely with the melody and ‘put her own stamp’ on it. I do kind of wish she’d picked one of Alanis’ better songs but out of all the Idols she was the only one to pick something that probably 95% of the audience will recognise, which surely works in her favour. I just want her to mix it up a little bit more.
Motown : I Wish - Stevie Wonder
I only caught the tail end of this on my first viewing so initially my only reaction was to scream at the tv screen as Asshat Kyle waxed long and lyrical about the FUCKING TAN LINES under Kate’s arms. Yes, read that again. The TAN LINES. If it was not already screamingly obvious that this man knows as much about the music industry as I do about the breeding habits of the mongoose, then it REALLY is now. You see, I know the mongoose exists, I know that there have been mongeese in the past and can posit the theory that there will be mongeese in the future, therefore the mongoose must possess breeding habits. But I don’t know what or how they work, so I don’t pretend to be an expert on the subject and appear on Australian Mongoose and give my opinion to the previously perfectly happy and healthy mongeese who worked their little mongeesey butts off to get to the Final Six ONLY to be told they’ll never make it in the industry because although they killed that snake perfectly, they don’t have the sartorial elegance to pull off walking the red carpet as they have stubby tails and the fur on their heads doesn’t match the fur on their hind legs as pleasingly as it could. Ass.
Upon second viewing I concurred with the opinions of most. She rocked. I love her and wish her all the best as the Person Who Comes Second In Australian Idol And Somehow Does Better Than The Winner.

Bottom Three : DanS, DreadyDan and either Kate or Anne.
Safe as Houses : Emily and Lee

But in a moment of either pure clarity or perfect insanity, I picked OneTrickPonyLee to go . . .

When Will I, Will I Be Famous?

Now, I’ve had a crappy weekend. I haven’t been feeling well and consequently I am in a foul temper and quite frankly I’m not in the mood to take/watch/listen to any shit. So all I’m asking is that Idol not suck. Too much to ask? Apparently so based on last night’s . . . for lack of any other word . . . show. Dissect. Disgust. Delouse. Discuss.

Holden has already anointed Emily the Cold as winner. She might as well be wearing a frickin’ crown on her head. As far as he is concerned she is Australian Idol 2005. He said on Extra that he already thought she was ‘as good as any winner we’ve had’. Man, they’re really upset that Ricki-Lee didn’t win last year aren’t they? Emily was pitchy, her vibrato was all over the place, she looked over-rehearsed with her ‘spontaneous’ audience participation and she sang one of the top ten alltime favourite karaoke songs of 1998. Gah. Just . . . GAH. Why do they love her? I get that she’ll sell CD’s and be a whole lot more marketable than Poor Poor Casey will ever be but does that make her the right choice?

Holden, don’t you dare tell FIHJ NOW that he needs a vocal coach and singing lessons. YOU put him through Wildcard, you thought he was good enough then, WHY are you choosing to tell him now that he needs singing lessons? Not that its anything new to me, I’ve said that before and if he doesn’t go tonight, I’ll say it again, BUT the time to say that was at the Seymour Centre. Not after several weeks of performing, not after making me sit through weeks of his tuneless bollocks and NOT after he’s made it this far. James told G he was a bit lost. FIHJ? That’s because the trail of breadcrumbs I left for you led out the door and to the bus station where I left a ticket for you back to your mother’s house, and NOT back on to stage. Tonight I’ll leave you a map, a spelunking helmet and some global positioning equipment, use them wisely.

Team Kate should be a little worried tonight. There is a very real chance, she’ll bottom three tonight, although if I had my way she’d be one of the final two standing in this comp. I thought she was joyful tonight, very infectious. She was enjoying herself on stage and I loved the ponytail, I just wish she’d done some Madonna or Cher – that would have been awesome. I don’t get what Holden is talking about, I don’t think of this song as a song about passion, but rather a song of joy and happiness which I thought she totally nailed. It’s Chaka Khan, not Don’t Cry For Me Argentina. Buuuuut. Not my favourite Kate performance and I am concerned for her.

Oh DanS . . . I think you sang well tonight, but dude, did you pick the wrong song or what? Mindblowingly boring. You know how you can sit in a lecture hall and listen as your professor extols the virtues of Brechtian methodology and Theatre of the Absurd and he gets to the bit about alienating your audience through the use of lights and visual aids and your ass and left foot simultaneously falls asleep? DanS singing Simply Red? Meet my ass and left foot.

DreadyDan, go ahead, diss the New Romantics and watch me lose any slight hint of love I might have had left for you. From that point on, I watched/listened DreadyDan sing with my jaw firmly locked in the position known as Unimpressed TallulahBelle. I unhinged it long enough to note that he was slurring his words a bit and that he looked gormless. DreadyDan, you are without gorm. Also, does he have his own personal sweatwrangler, because boyfriend sweats a LOT on stage. He still sounds great, but he is coasting. He’s Robin Williams in The World According to Garp cruising down the hill in the dark to his house in his car with the engine and the lights off. Anyone who knows that film knows that ends . . . badly for Robin. I see DreadyDan as the kickass lead singer of an awesome band, but not as a solo artist.

I don’t know what Anne did to Mark, but it must be the same thing Chanel did to Marcia last year. She is the best again for the second week in a row and she gets nothing from Mark. Yes, she was totally aiming for a touchdown, yes the song was tailor made for it, as was her performance and yes, she was distraught that she didn’t get one. Not that I applaud that kind of neediness, nor am I a fan of the vocal gymnastics that was peppered throughout her performance, but based on previous Idols who got away with that kind of shit – yes, Guy, Paulini, Ricki-Lee, I AM looking at you – she obviously thinks that’s the best way to get to him. Just sing well Anne and stop giving a crap what Holden thinks. And don’t let what happened next upset you too much. Leave that up to me . . .
. . .

WHAT THE FUCK. Touchdown? TOUCHDOWN? Are you shitting me? THAT got a touchdown? What did I miss? Two weeks ago Holden wouldn’t have touched this guy with a bargepole and now he gets a touchdown? For THAT? DeadtomeLee’s schtick won’t sell CD’s, not in this country and definitely NOT to the Idol core audience of 12to15yo girls who think DtmL is the shit. That arrangement was derivative and dull, it was repetitive and choppy and it did your vocals no favour at all, you sounded breathy and angry. Basically, I think DtmL somehow found out that either Holden is a nazi war criminal living under an assumed name or he gave his mother a ‘carnation’ about nine months before DtmL was born . . . if you know what I mean and I think you do. Papa, can you hear me?? Surely only the threat of a trial or twenty odd years of lapsed child support could be the reason behind such a marked turnaround. The worst part of all of this is that I turned to Fosse whilst DtmL’s pre-singing pimpage was on and said that ‘I bet he gets a touchdown tonight’. Damn my precognitive abilities and its sporadic nature.
So, to recap. Mark Holden? Shut up.

Bottom three : most likely to be FIHJ, DanSpillane and frighteningly possibly Kate.
Top three? Who cares. I know I don’t.

Oh, and much love to John Foreman. Much much love. I have been waiting three seasons for someone to Flock of Seagull’s their hair on 80’s night. Thank you John, you kept me from putting my foot through the tv screen. My tv screen thanks you, my foot thanks you, my visa bill thanks you.

Big Blah

Australian Idol producers? That? Was painful. If you get a fourth season of this show, which I doubt (and I’m starting to think that might not be such a bad thing because that barrel’s bottom would appear to have been well and truly scraped) then before you subject us to a bunch of kids who wouldn’t know how to perform Big Band unless Courtney Murphy 'Freaky Friday'ed them and took over their bodies for the duration, please make them watch The Glenn Miller Story, the Benny Goodman Story, and an assortment of Judy Garland/Mickey Rooney ‘hey lets put on a show in the old barn/school gymnasium/town theatre hall’ classics as predetermined by Mr Bill Collins. They all picked great songs, but the performances. Oy, the letdown . . .

The dirt atop DeadtomeLee's grave had barely had a chance to settle but after last nights performance, I have ordered the headstone. DTML’s lacklustre singing and painfully cheesy performance was the final nail in the coffin that I had exhumed purely so I could angrily hammer on it a few more times. Very very blah. He looked extremely uncomfortable and his voice, which is not the strongest in the competition anyway, sounded flat and just terrible. He was one of the worst of the night and an unfortunate harbinger of the DOOM that was to follow . . .

That guy no-one heard of before he suddenly turned up pimping himself on AI:BB said Milly has a Judy Garland quality to her voice. (Somewhere Fosse bursts into tears. Next to me, Shaneequa spat that it was because Milly was merely mimicking Garland’s vowels and then ranted about ‘karaoke’this and ‘they’re all shit except for Kate’ that. I edged closer to the door.) Milly was awful again. She was panting weirdly, she was pitchy, she was NO JUDY GARLAND, sir. Yes, she looked like she was actually having fun for the first time since the Top 30. Yes, she obviously loves jazz and big band and it was soooooo her genre, but she didn’t capitalise on it. She chose a song that was too big for her britches and she underperformed it badly. I don’t understand why the 12 to 15 year old girls love her like they do, but boy do they love her. She is my tip to go again this week, but hell – when am I ever right?

Oh DanS, this is a BIG song to attempt. Really big. I know you guys saw Buble perform this at the AFL Grand Final recently and you must have been in absolute awe at how massive and powerful that man’s vocal cords are. I was in the crowd and he was phenomenal – totally worth the price of the incredibly overpriced ticket. Sooooo. Why did you think you could do that? Have . . . you . . . heard you? This song should soar, it IS a new dawn, it IS a new day, they're uplifting wonderful lyrics but Dan, you were pitchy, you were so nervous your microphone was visibly shaking in your hand towards the end and the look you gave the crowd when you had finished signalled to me that you knew you hadn’t been great and that it might mean (SHOULD mean) bottom three again for you this week.

She may not have gotten a touchdown from Holden but in my eyes Anne threw a Hail Mary pass (no, I don’t really know what that means, only that it’s a good thing.) This was the best performance of the night. She sounded fantastic vocally (even if she wasn’t 100% pitch perfect), she included the crowd and played with the band and best of all, she performed the shit out this song. She didn’t just stand there and sing it. She took the Destiny’s Child perf from last week and kicked it up several notches. Flat. Out. Awesome. Thank you Anne, love your work.

Say it with me. FUCK I hate James. Out of pitch, wavering all over the place, uncomfortable on stage, he is just so very OUT OF HIS DEPTH. Can we bin FIHJ and Milly tonight because honestly . . .

Touchdown? I don’t get the Emily-love the judges seem to have, I just don’t get it. She sang last night and I wanted to put on an extra pair of socks, tracksuit pants, two jumpers, gloves, a scarf, that beanie I never wear that I got at Mt Buller that one time it snowed and then have the character Selma Blair played in Hellboy get really angry with me and set me on fire. Maybe that would do something about the Emily induced frostbite. She’s just without. I know I’m repeating myself here, but what else can I say? She sings well, but she does NOTHING for me. And quite frankly I didn’t think she sang that well last night. She let her emotions get the better of her, which on one level I can understand, but on another – its called professionalism (and also? It stank of ‘staged for the camera’s’ – call me cynical but I didn’t buy it for a second.) And if Kate ever loses control during a song because her significant other is in the audience, then I will buy a hat just so I can eat it.

DreadyDan might have cause for concern this week. He has underperformed a couple of weeks in a row now and has officially earned himself the title of this years Wedding Singer (which Mark Holden said in Who Weekly on Friday BLATENTLY ripping off my recap last week – the first person to tell me that weak and feeble minds think alike will get slapped.) He is beginning to look a little too comfortable sitting next to Milly in the Started Off Great But How Disappointed Are We With Them Now box? Great song – but apparently only when Harry Connick Jr sings it.

Lets get ready to RUUUUUMBLE. TeamKate tackles Anne for best performance of the night but Anne totally flips her and pins her to the floor (oooh, look at me with all the sports analogies! I’m sorry, I’ll stop now – mostly because I’m getting out of my depth.) Kate was still fantastic, at Chez Shaneequa we could only pick one obviously pitch weak moment, the rest was vocally without flaw. This girl is just fab and I admire the hell out of her for coming in every week and doing great work. Both Anne and Kate do consistently well and out perform the majority of the other contestants, but week after week they seem to be damned with faint praise. Colour me confused.

Top three : Anne, Kate and (lagging waaaaay behind) Emily
Bottom three : Take your pick – Milly, the Dans’s, FIHJ, even DeadtomeLee deserves to be here this week. If either Anne or Kate are anywhere near the bottom three I’ll be very very unhappy . . . which means one of them will probably go. Bah.

Oh and a word to Kyle Sandilands. You are a moron. I don’t give a flying fuck that you ‘hate big band’ and are therefore going to need someone to practically fellate you before you give them any kind of constructive criticism. You are there to judge these singers and NOT the genre. Give them help, tell them when they do right and when they majorly sod it up. Don’t dismiss a genre just because it involves a basic third grade understanding or musicality, you neanderthalic genetic throwback. Don’t start off telling us how much you hate this genre. I don’t much like RnB but I know that it is important for these guys to understand and appreciate all styles of music and its history. Feel free to not show up next year (should there be a next year yadda yadda) and let John Foreman take your spot (mad props to sinclair from Television Without Pity whose outstanding idea this is.)

Welcome to the neighbourhood.

Dear new neighbours who just moved in across the road,

Welcome!! Its great to have some new blood in the street. The guy who lived there before you barely said 'boo' to anyone and it looks like you're about our age as well, so please accept all 'Leave It To Beaver'-style hello's and muffinbaskets that might be left on your doorstep.

This is a fairly close knit neighbourhood. We have some residents (some might call them nosy, I call them vigilant) who will make sure your house doesn't get broken into during the day while you're at work etc so it pays to make friends with the retirees who live to MY immediate right. To enable them to do their job properly, they will need to know a few details about you so be prepared to complete some substantially indepth questionaires. In the meantime, I just have a few pointers that might make everyone a little more, say we say . . . comfortable.

1. Please, by all means, have a housewarming the first weekend you move in. But probably best not to sit outside your front door until one in the morning drinking beer and chatting loudly about your ex-partners social habits.

2. Feel free to play your music as loud as you want during daylight hours, I also am quite fond of Toto's 'Africa'. I do however wish to point out that it has a really thumping bass line, and - although my bedroom is towards the back of our house - when you play it suddenly at two in the morning, it still resonates through the walls quite significantly.

3. Give it a couple of weeks before you mow the lawn - hell, we normally wait at least a month before we get around to it. Be aware though, that some of our neighbours will then feel beholden to stand on their own lawns looking towards yours and 'tut' quite loudly and frequently. At this point, avoid eye contact when getting in and out of your car.

4. Speaking of cars, it IS fun to rev the engine really loudly, isn't it? I don't know for sure, so excuse me if I appear ignorant when I ask - is that good for the car?

Anyhoo - lovely to have you move in, and next time I see you unloading a keg or a couple of cartons of beer or fireworks I'll be sure to pop over and say hello and introduce myself - and the local Member of Council who lives right next door to you - properly.

Cheers,
TallulahB
xx

If only he was a method actor . . .

Ah Idol, please distract me from the shite state of the world. Bombings in Bali, broken homes and Joss Whedon making me want to spank him. Give me judges to yell at, contestants to pity, Andrew G to flirt with and John Foreman waving a baton in the background of every performance that I may again wonder at the wisdom of the tv gods that he and the Duffy sisters haven’t been given their own variety hour already. Australia, I give you your new Logies hosts . . . wouldn’t that be awesome. Sigh.

Contestants Choice this early in the piece affords a rare and wonderful opportunity for the AI finalists who are left to demonstrate to us what kind of album we can expect from them. For me, it is a gauge of exactly how many more Australian artists my beleaguered credit cards will have to support and I am happy to report that I’m going to have a LOT more disposable income next year . . . put your ear to the computer screen, can you hear the wailing and moaning and gnashing of teeth? That’s my credit card trying to eat itself in despair. No Constant Craving, no God Only Knows, no great George songs . . . hey Mark?? Still think this is a better Top Twelve than last year? Mark? Mark?? Sorry, he’s off getting some ACTING LESSONS. Seriously, if anyone bought that whole “I’ve had it, I’m out of here, you’re all crap” bullshit that Holden pulled last night, then I have a bridge to sell you . . .

(On a happier note for the Australian music industry and my banks profit margin, the Chanel Cole/Daniel Belle/Statler and Waldorf meshing of minds and talent – the ‘Spook’ project - have their first CD in the stores from October 10 – although eager beavers can find it at HMV a week early. Or yesterday. Chadstone only have two left. Wheeeeeeeeee . . . go. Now! Faster pussycat, kill kill! I already have my copy and, as you would expect I think its pretty freaking awesome and recommend everyone buy it and make Chanel and Daniel rich beyond their wildest dreams . . .)

I heart Kate. With every fibre of my being. Shheeeeeeee’s baaaaaaaaack. Rebounding back from the lacklustre-ness that was Kate Doing Queen, Kate takes a pass from Anastacia, Harlem Globe Trotter’s her way down the court and slamDUNKS the ball, shattering the backboard and scoring two much needed points for Team Kate. Kate’s lower register is still a little weak sometimes but she has an infectious vibrancy and a glow that translates ridiculously well onscreen. I still find it hard to believe that this girl is only nineteen, because her professionalism and maturity outstrips most of the other contestants. Kate has officially taken up the title of TallulahBelle’s Favourite Idol This Year. Go Team Kate!

When FIHJ walked on screen, Eupholoofoo commented that he looked like he was representing Greece at Eurovision. This comment unfortunately necessitated me having to actually look at FIHJ, something I don’t like doing while he’s singing, so that I could gauge the true awesomeness of that remark. Also. Is FIHJ having a seizure on stage? Oh, he's dancing . . . really? Bad dancing instructor man. FIHJ is not having fun anymore. He is really and truly not. He looks unhappy and sounds pitchy, and only one of those things is new. I still think FIHJ can sing, but he is getting worse each week. Bottom three for the third week in a row might spell the end for P-Giddy’s boy.

This years Idol representation at Carols by Candlelight will be handled by Roxane, please consider last nights performance as her audition. Sigh. This is an incredibly difficult song to sing but I think she did it. However, like Cosima and RickyLee before her, I may admire and like the chipmunks vocal cords but I would never be caught dead buying anything she ever releases. I love you Roxy but my CD collection is Cosima and RL free . . .

Sidebar : Euph brought dessert to dinner and Bakers Delight make the best choc-chip scone you could ever hope to buy, pop in the oven for ten minutes and devour greedily: or, as PurpleGracieGirl outstandingly noted “Love the scone you’re with” . . .

Begin rant : You know what KILLS me about Lee? That he’s just the most fun performer they’ve ever had on this show (inc the CourtJester who comes a really really close second) but that he blithely waved away the importance of this particular Greenday song. Lee, I love you but you are now dead to me. Since September11 Greenday haven’t released a damn thing that doesn’t have a very clear cut angry political diatribe feel about it. They really really REALLY don’t like Bush, his politics, his war or his dog. Holiday especially is a very angry song. This was Contestants Choice Lee. Show us what you’re made of Lee. And Lee? Don’t ever DARE sing this song again unless you understand WHY. Kudo’s to Mark Holden for the only sensible comment we got from you all night, Shut Up Marcia for changing your tune ONCE AGAIN and insisting you can sing whatever you feel like without ‘feeling the lyrics’ and GO TO THE FIERY DEPTHS OF HELL Kyle Sandilands for admitting you will play whatever the fuck you’re handed at your pansy ass radio station without giving a skerrit of thought to what it might be about : end rant.

Emily The Cold. Week after week she sings well but leaves me sitting at home needing to put on the heater and some warm socks. The only reaction this performance got from me was a little more hate for the vocal gymnastics. Nothing new.

White boys can’t dance and DanS? You are white. I know a lot of people didn’t like this at all and that he’s probably going to be bottom three again, but I got all girly whilst he was doing this. If you get to see the replay look for the vein down the left hand side of his neck . . . yummy . . . sorry, where was I? Oh, the singing. Yeah. Mediocre okayness. Better than Millsy two years ago but not great enough to get him to Top Five. But the hotness . . . I need to take a cold shower.

Milly? That was really awful. You didn’t rise above the band, you didn’t come close to hitting a LOT of those notes and . . . . look, you were just baaad. Euph’s eagle eye pointed out that they didn’t cut to the audience ONCE while Milly was performing, although we could see them in the side shots and they were pretty much just sitting there. Not clapping, not singing . . . it was like Night of the Milly Killed the Audience. And Milly? When all three judges diss you, you are in trouble (right, Laura Gissaro??)

Has DreadyDan been sitting next to Emily on the bus on the way to perform? He was . . . bland. He sings so well, he really truly does, but I wanted him to sing this an octave lower. DD has gone from looking super comfortable on stage and kicking ass with some absolutely hideous song choices, to looking like he’s performing at the wedding of someone he’s vaguely fond of.

Drew Barrymore? If Cameron Diaz doesn’t want to do the third Charlie’s Angels film, we may have a replacement for you. GIRLfriend. Anne, that was slammin’. My second favourite performance of the night. She staged it well – it’s a Destiny’s Child song, you can’t do it like an ordinary song, it has to have some theatrics about it – and she sang it well – although I would have loved her to go completely batshit on some of those notes at the end, not vocal gymnastics but crazy ass high like RickiLee did last year with the Beyonce song that changed my mind about her for a whole show and a half. I like it when the horn blows, hunh! In the Battle of Anne and Emily to be the New and Improved Paulini, Anne is far and away the superior clone.

Top Three : Kate, Anne and probably a (grudgingly admitted, but I’m not very happy about it) tie between Emily/Lee
Bottom Three : DanS, Milly and FIHJ. Either of those three could go and I couldn’t care less, but Milly wins the coin toss this week and has been tipped to go. Which means she’s safe.
Stupid fickle Australian public . . .

Happy Serenity Day

Happy Serenity-opens-at-your-local-cinema Day!! May all your Kaylee and Simon Get It Onnnn dreams come true . . .

Rock WHAT exactly?

We will, we will rock you . . . gently in our arms singing rawk tunes really quietly and without any soul or seeming purpose until you fall into an almost comatose-like deep sleep and dream of puppies and ice-cream and Australian Idol 2005 just seems like this really bad idea that someone came up with who was then laughed at by the executives at Channel 10 because they had instead decided that this year they wanted to put together some really good Australian drama instead to make up their Australian content quota. There. Isn’t that better than the reality that was :

DreadyDan. Good work man, way to completely waste a week. I’m so bored, I’m so bored, I’m so bored . . . am I at the NBA?? Deee-fense *clap clap clap* Deee-fense. Dan finally gets my pants off me but only by boring them off . . .

Laura, the humiliation continues. Flat, bad, pitchless. Laura hit one good note, the others she battered into painful submission. It was like Olivia Newton-John with a bad head cold singing Black Sabbath (which I totally said to Fosse before Mark called her Doris Day). Laura massacred my all time favourite silverchair song. Bah. I can’t be mean to her though, its not like Emilia last year when it was kind of fun to rip her singing to shreds, Laura is just a kid. God. Get her out of this competition PLEASE. I felt sorry for her last night, she is ridiculously out of her depth and should NEVER have been allowed to get this far.

For me, Milly has turned out to be the most disappointing Idol in recent memory. I had such high hopes for her from her first audition and I feel let down. Two bad performances, followed by last nights blah one. She’s consistently pitchy and breathy, she looks really uncomfortable on stage and she’s allowing or permitting or actively participating in some horrendous clothing, hair and make-up choices. Last year the CourtJester rocked this song. He has the best falsetto in the world (NO, I am NOT biased or exaggerating in ANY way) and a beautiful rock voice and without fail picked incredibly brilliant songs (God Only Knows, anyone?? Sigh). Why would you do a song that a previous Idol had nailed? I just don’t get this girl.

THANK GOD FOR LEE. The only person who seemed to notice that each week they get given this really big, gorgeous stage to strut around on and that, you know, it might actually be nice for the audience to have something to react to. Yay for Lee, say I. I loved the arrangement, it suited him to a tee – he doesn’t have a strong voice but I like that it seems like he knows his limitations. Way to know what you can do and freaking DO IT.

Roxane, looks strange . . . luckily I think she sounds amazing - once again – yay! Still not a great song choice but she didn’t produce a bum note and her lower register sounded a lot more powerful than it has on previous outings. Nice to have you back chipmunk! Unlike some (oh who are we kidding, most) of the other Idols, Roxane sang this song, she conveyed what this song was about, something sorely missing from almost every other competitor’s performance. Nice starting point, nice build, nice crescendo. I liked it. Oh, and SHUT UP MARK.

Anne always sings well, she always picks really good songs for her and she always has her awesome mum in the crowd, but the best thing about Anne? Her ability to connect with the camera. She’s always very convincing when she sings, her heart is firmly stitched to her sleeve.
Sidebar : Hee!! Andrew G just quoted an ‘old Klingon proverb’!! That’s the kind of awesome throwaway line I expect from Mathieson, Lord of the Geeks. It’s official, G is totally flirting with me . . .

I thought this was a smart song choice until it occurred to me that I could totally take Dan in a knife fight. Even if he’s got the type of real chef cleaver that ‘allegedly’ can cut through steelcapped boots and all I have is a plastic foodcourt butter knife? I would still fillet him like a fish before he finished the ‘o’ part of Go. It’s a hard ass song and to quote P-Giddy “he’s not hardass, he’s candy ass”. AC/DC should be sung in the following pose - head down with one arm up in a gesture of rage filled defiance as your frontal lobe SMASHES against the inside of your skull, rendering you unable in later years to adequately feed yourself. S'called Attitude Spillane, you big pansy. And STOP SHOUTING. Gah.

(And now for a glimpse into TallulahBelle’s sordid musical past. As a teenager rifling through the ‘tape drawer’ at home, I was horrified to see that we had the entire back catalogue of AC/DC – at the time, roughly circa 1985 – and was convinced my father was the worst kind of longhaired bogan. Only to be told that in fact my lovely parentals – hola mamma – had in fact purchased them for their longhaired bogan eldest daughter who was THREE at the time, and who would stand in front of Countdown on a Sunday evening and head bang her little heart out whenever they appeared. This story explains why I am not a member of Mensa, have never written the Great Australian Novel and will never understand algebra.)

Kate? I . . . don’t understand. Why are you not great? Did your kitty die? Is it because the Eagles lost? The first time I’ve heard Pitchy Kate, Breathy Kate and Slightly Off Tune Kate. I am saddened, I don’t like this Kate, I want Great Kate back. She’s still fabulous though (and was awesome at the AFL Grand Final at the weekend and the only one who sounded even halfway decent).
Ahem.
TUCKSHOP ARMS. TUCKSHOP ARMS???!!! Fuuuuuuuuuuck off Kyle.

FIHJ. *snicker* What a shite falsetto. Crap-tastic. I take back all the nice things I ever said about FIHJ – all three of them. Pitchy, breathy, not even slightly charismatic enough to make me like it even remotely (yes I am horribly biased against him but he still sucked. He even gave P-Giddy nothing. Mister Ed. Bwah hahahahahahahah) Bollocks. Go away. You’re not good looking enough, or talented enough for me to have to watch you every week, self deluded toothy freak. (Yes, I’m mean to him – its my blog!)

Emily sings well, but she’s without. I don’t get her. Out of the clones I prefer Anne who connects with the material she presents. Emily on the other hand . . . okay, song about killing a guy and a Faustian type trial, mostly in the protagonists head, culminating with a suicide note to mother. Strange choice to SMILE throughout that song, right? I know when I kill someone I tend to go with ‘furtive’, but hey, that’s me. Bohemian Rhapsody is just not the kind of song to try and do in a minute and a half. Sweet Suzie McNeill sang a longer version on Rockstar INXS and got in all the ‘scaramouche’ and the ‘fandango’ bits and believe me, it was a killer performance. She had a choir and a full on RAWKING house band. Killer. Emily? Had less of the ‘killer’ vibe and more of the ‘oh, I’m sorry, did I step on your toe?’, and I would put good money on Emily having seen We Will Rock You starring Annie Crummer as the Killer Queen**. And Mark? She didn’t do her own arranging, Idol Extra on Thursday showed QUITE CLEARLY that she got John and Eryana to do it for her, so DON’T praise her for it. And Marcia? Don’t be dissing Mark’s dress style girlfriend. House of glass and you with the throwage of stones . . .

** and so has the hairstylist/makeup people of this show because all the girls who sang Queen had Killer Queen hairstyles . . .

Top Three : Roxane, Anne and Lee
To go : PLEASE let it be Laura. Please. Please. Please.

Oh, and I still don't know and am starting not to care, who might win.

Hang on Sloopy. Sloopy, hang on.

Its time for my Annual 60’s Theme Night Disappointment as once again, no-one busted out These Boots Are Made For Walking, Wooly Bully or Sugar Sugar by the Archies. I am a land of bitter disappointment surrounded by a sea of discontent as a wind of snark bloweth over me. Another disappointing lacklustre night of performances hindered by really really REALLY crappy song choices. Really. Weren’t the 60’s peppered with far out groovy numbers that made ya want to shake your thang, or did you need to be out of your gourd on LSD to truly appreciate them? If so, then obviously the judges have themselves some sweeeet dealer because I will accept no other explanation for them thinking Milly was actually good. Oh, yeah, tell me someone was stoned, please.

(Kate has) All My Loving.
Best performance of the night. I LOVE this girl more and more each week (‘ware Roxane, you’re slipping). She has mixed it up, ballad last week, uptempo number this week – she’s showing us range, she’s pitch perfect with everything she sings and she just plain out-awesome’s everyone around her.

(Natalie makes it) Hurt So Bad.
I don’t mind Natalie until she starts singing. She has proven to be quite a funny little munchkin, but the singing is starting to annoy me. She was very Local Shopping Centre Talent Show last night (and I should know, I entered quite a few of the damn things back in the 80’s) What happened to the power ballad Nat? She would have done a fabulous job with What The World Needs Now or a Dione Warwick number, but no. A song that was covered better by Bowie and Jagger, and when I think Mick Jagger sings something better then someone, you’re in trouble. If she wanted to do a ‘cover’ of someone’s song, she should have tried on The Sundays version of Rolling Stones song Wild Horses.

(DreadyDan England took me on a) Magic Carpet Ride.
Songs Movies Have Ruined For TallulahBelle As Brought Back To Life By DreadyDan, Mk II. He made me hate Unchained Melody just a little less. He has a GREAT falsetto, lets hear that a little more, but he backed away from really nailing it. Holden was right, he was worried about some of those notes because he was sweating big time on stage. Watching him I wanted nothing more than a Sing Off between him and the CourtJester – they have very similarly brilliant voices. And MASSIVE props to whomever had the sign in the crowd that read “Lie back and think of England”. Fucking A. A for Awesome.

(Anne) Baby, Its You.
Anne was doing the nervous swallowing thing again, its starting to irritate me – like Paulini’s breathing (yeah, thanks Shaneequa) but she still managed to sing really well, hit most of her notes and once again closely shadow Kate and DreadyDan for best performance. She’s a fairly class act and those of us with Foxtel who watch the Extra show on Channel V know how incredibly cool her mum is. Also, she can sing, so hurrah for girlfrAnne . . .

(James) I Started A Joke.
FIHJ as Tom Jones is the new bogeyman under my bed who makes me have to sleep with the lights on and a baseball bat in one hand. Graaaah. *shudder*
Alright, being objective about his singing? He can sing. He was in fairly decent pitch with this song, he was enthusiastic and approaching HappyLee territory but he gives me nuttin. Best bit? When he tried to get the crowd to sing along and they showed the crowd sitting mutely in their seats just clapping to the beat – but especially that one kid in the front who looked askance at the camera as if to say “can you believe this shit?” With some really decent vocal coaching (and a year or two in a dentists chair) FIHJ could maybe take the world by storm. Regardless, he’s so safe this week you could store jewellery in him.

(Emily says) I’m Sorry.
The only words I want to hear out of Emily is a profound and heartfelt apology for getting the words to Respeito wrong. It is not, nor has it ever been TCP. It is TCB, which stands for Taking Care of Business. And? She shouted the whole damn song. Respect is a very hard song to sing and sound like you’re not shouting and quite possibly Aretha Franklin is the only person in the world who can do it because Mamma has a nice set of pipes. Emily’s aren’t that strong and it was a really strange arrangement. I didn’t get the whole repeating of the R-E-S-P-E-C-T part, mostly because I was horrified that she got it wrong, but doing it twice made it lose impact with me. I was also perplexed that Kyle thought that the previous years winners were so obvious. Really? I thought Cosima might win season one (and still think she could have if she hadn’t shredded her vocal cords) and season two it was RickiLee and then Anthony. Much as I thought Casey was a better performer (penchant for forgetting lyrics aside), her winning still kinda came out of left field.

(Seriously, Roxane) Its Now or Never.
Chipmunk needs to pick it up. She has been bettered two weeks in a row by both Kate and Anne, and her voice is easily as good as if not better then both. She started off weak and breathy but lifted by the second half. I am saddened. And she did sound trepidatious Mark, like she didn’t know the song as well as she should and she doesn’t have Ms Casey’s excuse of school during the day . . . step it up Roxie, I don’t wanna lose you!!

(Daniel, ouch) Are You Lonesome Tonight?
I feel good, da na na na na na na, I knew that I would. Lather, rinse, repeat. Blah. Daniel’s a really strange one. He can sing better than Shannon Noll but he’s not choosing better songs. His falsetto obviously heard DreadyDan’s and fled the building, and once again his IV of Courage (™ Red) has run out and he has The Fear again. He just gave up once he screwed up the falsetto and sleepwalked through the rest of the song. At least he wasn’t shouting, but I think I actually missed that. THANK YOU Mark for calling out Marcia on the fence sitting, gah (you know what’s coming) shutUP Marcia. He was well below par and he should be told that, not mollycoddled. Second worst performance of the night.

(I want Laura) Never On Sunday.
I resisted the urge to use Tell Laura I Love Her, for the simple reason that I don’t, but Laura is totally pulling this years Emilia trick of picking songs that suit her weaker voice and is getting away with it. Its in the perfect mid register for her and consequently she sounded okay. I still wouldn’t pay money to watch her perform or buy an album and I don’t think she should be in BDTT. I did still hate her actual ‘performance’ of the song – Oh look! She’s just so very happy that a guy treated her like shit and her heart is broken into a bazillion pieces, isn’t that neat-o??!! – and thank you Mark and (grudgingly) Marcia for pulling her up on it.
I coveted her boots. I feel dirty.

(Lee, look everyone) My Boyfriend's Back (I know its the 50's but I couldn't resist)
Yay!! Cheeky irrepressible sexy Lee is back with an attitude appropriate song! Granted it was the Smashmouth version but it soooo suited him that I’m in love again and using exclamation points like I bought them on sale!!! He still can’t win (and really, shouldn’t) but damnit, yay for cheeky Lee! He sung it well and performed it well.

Sidebar : I was at Ms Eupholoofo’s place last night for pizza, red wine and Idol and she happened to note, whilst I was in mid-gush about how cute I thought Lee was, that his hair was kinda similar to Tim from BB05 . . . Euph?? I direct you to the following posts . . I love Tim and I still love Tim

(Oh Milly dearest) Don’t Let The Sun Catch You Crying.
She started off soooo promising but then . . . sigh. You told us to 'watch you now' and then bragged about all the dance moves you could do and proceeded to NOT do any of them. I confused. Whether or not we love you, seems to hinge on the answer to the following question (and at the moment ‘tis a resounding ‘no’.) Can you actually dance? Because you can’t hit that note . . . or that one, ooooh or that one . . . please stop. Milly, please join Chris Luder in the Welcome Officially Worn Out Penalty Box. I don’t know why the judges thought that was great when I think it was almost as bad as Laura’s Top 30 performance. Lacklustre, listless and lackadaisical. Worst performance of the night. Consider yourself tipped to go.

So bottom three for me should be Milly, Daniel, James, Emily, Laura etc etc. I think the bottom three will be all girls, I doubt a guy is going anywhere at this point in the game with all the estrogen still in the competition.
Safe as houses : Kate, DreadyDan and Anne. The rest? Its a crap shoot.

(Happy Red??!!)

Bakers Dozen Top Twelve (™ Red)

Yeouch. We need to get Neil Finn made an Australian citizen STAT because it is horribly, screamingly obvious there are no good Australian songs left in the cupboard. The cupboard? She is bare. I’ve had a really good hard look and all I could find was the back catalogue of Men At Work and Shaddup Your Face by Joe Dolce, which was hidden behind a can of beetroot that expired in 1984. Slim pickings, my friends. Slim pickings.

Taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarniiiiii. Can someone fill me in on whether there’s a class action suit pending between Tarni and Vowels of the World, because she did some strange things to them last night. She elongates them in a quite unusual way that I hadn’t noticed up until now and it quite frankly, detracted from the performance. Not a great performance, just a meh one.

Laura (pause for halfhearted uncomfortable applause from the audience) This was a good song choice for her, it suited her a lot better than anything else she’s done. She just has a really weak lower register and when she’s trying to control it, it wavers all over the place. She picked up by the middle but she just hits way too many flat notes too consistently to deserve to be in the BDTT. Marcia actually criticised her, as constructively as I’ve EVER seen Marcia criticise anyone. I don’t think you can sing Laura but you’re at least conducting yourself with a little dignity which is more than we ever got from Emilia. Brave little soul. Now go away.

Dan. 1. Gosh, he’s quite a good looking boy. 2. What a shit song. He just . . . SHOUTS every note and I get why the judges like it, it’s the Jimmy Barnes School of Vocal Cord Ruination and hell, it worked for JB so why shouldn’t it work for Dan? Well, mostly because we already have a Jimmy Barnes and should he ever get kidnapped by terrorists, we have Shannon Noll ready to step into his boots and the local RSL. Dan also still has The Fear. He should have done Working Class Man, that would have rocked. This mildly swayed from side to side in a drunken manner, threw up on my shoes and fell asleep.

(Sidebar – did Kyle just compare Shannon Noll to Justin Timberlake and Usher? Die. Scum.)

Someone needs to kill a puppy in front of Roxane (please note, I do NOT advocate the killing of puppies, alternatively she should be made to watch Bambi, Watership Down and Old Yeller back to back to back). She didn’t hit a wrong note, but the whole thing was just slightly too . . . not right . . . for me. Still gets my vote because she has a killer voice but she needs to work on her song choice and her delivery. Emotion chipmunk, this is not a happy sappy song, give it some emotion or take some downers or something.
Marcia : That’s a song steeped in Australian tradition.
TallulahBelle : Fair suck of the sav Marcia, its not Khe Sanh, mate . . .

Emily, you’re singing in the wrong key. Granted, it’s the same key as the band but its wrong for your voice . . . oh, key change – lovely – ahhhh, THIS is the key you should have been singing the WHOLE song in. Disappointing, but hey! Marcia loves you. Are you perchance a single mum who’s never done this before? Please don’t cry. Awwww crap.

You are KILLING me Milly. I want so much to like you, you have a great voice but your song choices are just awful. It was like we were at the local footy grand final. Is the Aussie anthem next? And every time she starts to lose her note, she drops into the ‘growl’ note that should only ever be used sparingly. However, I love Milly’s mum – can we vote for her?

Lee. Lee. Lee. Way to go from hero to zero in one song. Holy Grail is a GREAT anthemic song and should NOT ever be sung with a cheesy grin on your face. For shame. Red had the best idea for you Lee – sing some Frenzal Rhomb and see how long it takes for Kyle’s head to explode!! (For those who don’t know the backstory Kyle & Jackie O have a reasonably long standing hate of the boys from Frenzal Rhomb ever since FR made K&JO look like complete idiots on their own radio show. Awesome.) Lee, you were the worst tonight. Even worse than Laura.
Marcia : If that’s how you feel that song should be interpreted, all right.
TallulahBelle : WTF??? Lee massacres Holy Grail and it’s a biiiiig lovefest but Chanel and Hit ‘Em Up Style last year and every other FUCKING SONG SHE EVER SANG THAT YOU HATED YOU STUPID TALENTLESS NONSENSICAL BINT . . . SHHHHHHHHHHHUTTTTUP MAAAAAAAARRRRRRRCCCCCCCCIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAA
*TallulahBelle’s head explodes in a bubble of bile and hate*

Ladies and Gentleman, the best female performance of the night, I give you Kate. Lovely work, Clone of Renee Geyer. It finished . . . weird, but it was beautifully and soulfully done. Just lovely.

The Smiling Assassin (™ Cookies) Mr Chris Luder. Dude. Duuuuuuuuuude. You do NOT get the lyrics to this song wrong man. You just don’t. I couldn’t tell if they changed them deliberately because of the time slot or what, but if that was the case then why could they talk about it during Idol Extra? Especially with John Foreman’s Tasmania joke? I don’t get it. Either way, what an awful arrangement. Sing the FREAKING SONG, please stop flirting with the tune and actually nail it. Damn it. He has officially worn out his welcome with his last two song choices. His friendship with Roxane is just barely keeping him in my good books . . .

Could someone point out to Natalie that the show she’s on is Australian Idol and not the New Johnny Young Talent Time? Thanks. Natalie should probably have done some Delta which would have suited her voice heaps. Mark Holden makes little sense when he speaks, why on EARTH would you think that he writes songs any better? Absolutely Everybody is a badly written piece of crap and any and all copies of it should be burned. That aside, its nice to have someone to take over the Queen of Mugging position recently vacated by the lovely Irene. Queen, your crown . . .

FuckIHateJames. FIHJ comes really really close to hitting lots and lots of his notes. But then he doesn’t. He was rushing ahead of the band, which is fine if its part of the arrangement but I don’t think he was doing it on purpose. Lacklustre and blah interpretation of the song, but at least he didn’t do the freaky eye thing that I can’t stand where he puts his head back and nearly closes his eyes but doesn’t and all you can see under his fluttering eyelashes are the whites. Fer-eaky. Oh and FIHJ? When the judges tell you that you’ve got a lot more to give and Marcia cocks her head understandingly to one side like that? It means you were crap. And FIHJ? You were crap.

Sista Girlfriend Anne (Fosse: God be with you). It may have been a side effect of nerves but Anne kept on stopping and obviously swallowing, as though her vocal cords weren’t ‘wet’ enough. It’s a small complaint but it seemed to interfere with her delivery a little bit. She was still pretty good and one of the better of the night, but it wasn’t as great as I remember her performance from week one of the top 30. As with Milly, Anne’s mum ROCKS! I didn’t love her or hate her, but THEN! She did the Running Man. Twice! And I fell in love . . . I love goofy 80’s dance steps. Tee hee.

DreadyDan. Best performance of the night. Still hate his dreads, but his voice is immaculate. He knows when to pump up the notes and when to pull them right back. Dude is so laid back it’s a wonder he doesn’t fall over. Best arrangement of the night and Dan quite frankly has the best contemporary rock voice I have ever heard on this show.

Top Three : Dan, Kate and Roxane. All the rest are vulnerable, but I picked Laura and Emily to go because I want the humiliation to end for Laura and Emily and Anne are clones but only one of them got the talent DNA . . .
(Thank god we’re cutting two straight away, this is exhausting.)

Aaaah, the fickle vagaries of the Song Choice . . .

Aaah, song choice. You temperamental bitch. You got ‘em good last night, didn’t you? You sweet talked them into choosing Songs Of Death, lulled them into tweaking with the rhythm, screwing with the arrangement, dared them to cut whole verses, and then danced merrily on their freshly self-dug graves. Last night - I swear - I could almost hear you cackling hysterically as one after the other, the Wildcards danced with the devil and lost BIG time. Why is this so hard? Isn’t it fairly obvious that you pick either a current well known song, or - if you pick something that is quite obscure - make sure that your voice suits it soooooo well that no-one even remembers that they didn’t know the song. Prime examples of this is both Chanel (wonderfully singing Portishead’s ‘Glory Box’. Sigh. Love!) and the CourtJester (a better version of ‘She Will Be Loved’ by Maroon 5 than Maroon 5's own version) in their Top 30 performances from last year. And I know I carry on about Chanel looooong past the point of everyone’s patience, but don’t you miss her? And the CourtJester? Not ONE Wildcard got it right last night. Not. One.

Idiots.

(The only thing that gave me joy last night was the first sighting of Marcia – Marcia dressed in the dark again!! And the fuschia lipstick made a reappearance, I think that might be my favourite Marcia lipstick EVA!! I hope she wears it always . . .)

Chloe (Who? The foetus in the short-shorts.) Finally Chloe goes and does something to make us remember her, but it’s the wrong thing. I’d like to think that Chloe’s mum immediately grounded her 16 year old daughter upon her first appearance on our screens wearing those tiny things. Even I felt like a dirty old man for perving on her and only one of those adjectives actually describes me. (And its not dirty or man.) If only her singing had been memorable. Or her choice of song. Or her outfit. I mean less memorable. Dirty Old Man Vote will not be enough.

Lindsay (Do you wanna punch him in the mouuuuuuthhh, ohhhh yeah!!!) Get off my tv screen. Go. Git. I don’t mean to be rude . . . actually, yes I do. Fuck off. What a crapfest of a song, sung with way too much gusto and teeth. *shudder* Screaming Metal Deadhead Vote will not be enough.

Roxane (Please, not another Ngairre) One of the two decent performances tonight, Roxane started off way too shaky but she picked it up by the second quarter of the song and RIPPED the glory note – hallelujah! She picked a crappy song – initially I thought that wouldn’t be a problem because her first song choice wasn’t great either but she sang that beautifully. She still deserves to go through, she was one of the best last night and if the audience doesn’t pick her (shame on you Australia!) then the judges better, because why should Chris Luder be the only Idol to get through based on stronger previous performances? Bridget Jones Vote should get her through.

Michael (Quelle surprise) I take back what I said about Michael last week, coffee is NOT the only thing he’s good at. If we assume that last weeks incredibly poor performance was nerves based then he must have been on valium last night, because he was really good. Lovely, haunting quality to his voice that served the song well. Poor song choice still though – I don’t remember a thing about the song, only that he sang it well. Barista Buddies Vote probably won’t get him through – maybe Judge’s Choice number one??

Lauren (Hey Big Spender) Why did 17yr old Millie get kudo’s from the judges for singing some old jazzy cabaret number, but then OLDER Lauren practically got spat on? Not that we’re not used to (SHUTUP) Marcia not making any coherent kind of sense from minute to minute, let alone from week to week, but still?? Lauren can really sing and it sucks that she keeps hamstringing herself this way. I loved the verbal smackdown she laid on the judges and then the extremely articulate undercurrent of ‘fuck off’edness she had whilst discussing song choice with Mathieson and G. For that alone, I would love her to get through but its doubtful. Harry Connick Jr Vote won’t get her through, he’s too busy in N’awlins.

Josh (check out my hook while the DJ revolves it . . .) Ew. Just . . . ew. I wanted to call Vanilla Ice and tell him all was forgiven and hey, when can we expect a new album, bro? Ick song, ick delivery, monumentally sucky. Stupid Teeny Girl Vote might get him through. Horrid thought, isn’t it . . . ?

Irene (She’s a red dye job away from being the star of a wacky, zany, antic laden sitcom.) PdiddyCakes loves this girl. Not her singing (although she doesn’t suck too terribly at that) but her Lucille Ball-ness. I like her singing. I don’t like her song choice, not now, not tomorrow, not when I’m 64, not EVER. The children may be our future but will they ever forgive Whitney for the schmaltz? Oy, the schmaltz. Zany Dead 1950’s TV Star Vote won’t get her through and I have doubts the judges will Choice her. (Yes, I meant to write Choice her)

James (Get him the number of a good orthodontist. Stat) Heeee, fricking awesome, my favourite performance of the night. But TallulahBelle, I hear you say, you HATED this guy last week, right? Yes, yes I did. And I hated him this week, but he was AWESOMELY bad. Soooo very very bad. He was flat, he can’t dance (ShutUP Marcia) and he tanked. Beeeeeeeewdiful. Also? Get your hands OFF Mathieson or Fosse will get very medieval on your ass dude. Greek Mama’s Vote may not be enough, but I fear he is a possible Judges Choice.

Emily (Its called Staying In Time. Look into it.) Seriously, did . . . she . . . start out of time? ‘Cause that’s what it sounded like to me. And the three other people sitting at Chez LulahB watching the crapfest that was Idol Wildcard. Strident. Out of time. Song about Zion? Yeaaaaaaah . . . . buh-bye Emily. People Who Know What Zion Is Vote will number exactly three.

Dan (Gimme the tune, gimme gimme the tune) Dan, a tip from me to you. Its not singing if you SHOUT THE WHOLE SONG. I know you and Lindsay wanted to do the same song and you couldn’t because he got there first blah blah blah – but at what point did you decide that if you can’t sing the same song as Lindsay, you could at least sound like Lindsay? Because that? Ain’t good. You were doing okay, even with the SCREAMING but the fear, oh, she got you good. You stared fear in the eyes and she kneed you in the crutch. Sympathies dude. Barnes-y Nolls-y Mills-y Vote might surpise us, stranger things have happened. If not, I’d say you’ve a good chance to JC because the Idiots, sorry, the Judges like you.

I’ve tipped Roxane, Dan and Michael because I think the Judges will choose two boys to try and even up the sexes for the Top 12, although I think only Roxane and Michael deserve to go through and any of the girls, but particularly Lauren and ComeOnIrene. None of the other boys deserve it based on last nights perfs. But Wildcard always surpises me, shocks me and makes me want to put my head in the oven. If Roxane doesn’t get through I will be hoarse tomorrow from my screaming fits of disbelief.

(Oh, and props to Red for last nights first ever Shut Up Marcia in the Chez Red household. You go girl . . .)

Ooops, I did it again . . .

Oops. I know, I know, I’m late. But I’ve been sick! Unable to type a word, let alone actually be semi-clever about it. And I couldn’t have predicted a different ending to the one that happened. The three singers I chose to go through in my Official Aus Idol Tipping Comp are the three who did – Lee, Natalie and DreadyDan. (If I’d set my tipping up in time – damnit – I would have been 8 for 9. As it is, Eupholoofo is leading the comp and FYI for those who haven’t met her in real life, she’s about the cutest thing ever.) But none the less . . . here ‘tis in all its glory (if I don't get too distracted by the cute boys of Fox8's Manhunt and lose my train of thought . . . )

Nat. Nat, Nat, Nat, Nat. Man, I hate that song. Light My Fire makes me hurl. (Ooh, maybe that’s why I’ve been unwell?? Shut up Jim Morrison.) I don’t care who is singing it. And then the arrangement? Gah. Double gah. I wanted to like her soooo much. I didn’t. She absolutely looked like a drag queen (not the last of the evening) and the saddest thing is she has a fabulous voice, but song choice sank her goooooood. No surpise she wasn’t top four and didn’t get a Wildcard.

Jeremy. Dude could not have looked more nervous. Before he went out to sing, Jeremy was sitting next to Mathieson on the couch and he was blinking frantically, a sure sign of stress and anxiety. No surprise that he then tanked with his song. Second worst performance on AI this season (after the hideous Laura. Fuck. How did she get through?? HOW??!!). He was flat and off key. He doesn’t have any charisma, none, nada, zip. I did a little dance of concern when they were handing out the Wildcards but I’m so glad Mark waved him buh-bye. Later, dude.

Lauren. Best. Shoes. Ever. So-so dress. CRAPPY song. Lauren’s performance reminded me why some people dismiss AI as nothing more than a mere national karaoke competition. (I usually point those people in the direction of ANY of Chanel’s performances and then dare them to call her karaoke, I'm such a fangirl!!) Watching Lauren’s performance was like watching one of those shows where taxi drivers from Manchester dress up like Elvis and sing Heartbreak Hotel. It was total impersonation – which is what Kyle then told her, causing me to scream at the tv for him to get out of my head. Seriously, starting to freak me out. Glad she got the Wildcard because she has a good voice. She rocked the glory note but she should sing Lauren. Not that she’ll get through Wildcard either.

Leah. Going to the adbreak before her performance, Andrew G called her the ‘magnificent Leah’. Yeah. Can someone give G a dictionary and a thesaurus and also a WordADay calendar? Thanks. Leah’s range is just too limited. All I could think was that she was going to struggle horribly with some of the categories they get them to sing if she made it through. Thank goodness she didn’t. Another nice glory note but the rest was out of tune and pitchy.

Joe. Haircut. Joe, please I’m begging you. Alternatively, put the beanie back on. Hair like that just begs to be made fun of, you big girl. Joe’s singing was blah. It wasn’t great, it wasn’t bad. It just . . . was.

Natalie. This girl has a bad case of The Mariah Complex. At least she didn’t trill the fuck out of too many notes. She started shaky but picked up fairly quickly and didn’t suck. Going into it I thought she would have to be really really bad not to make it through because she has the kind of voice that FM radio stations dig. She’s this seasons Ricki-Lee. Mean of Holden to give her the faux-touchdown, but I think he’s still pissed about the Laura thing (whyohwhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhyy?) and is taking it out on everyone. I’m a little okay with that.

Lee. Squeee! Is it wrong that I find him strangely attractive. Yes, even with that hair. He’s infectious, he has a gleam in his eye that I find compelling, sexy, hottttttt . . . sorry, I lost myself there for a bit. His song choice was great. Although it didn’t really showcase his voice, it did give us a sense of identity which is important at this stage – people want someone they like, to vote for. Boyfriend isn’t just a pretty, multipierced face, y’all (and watch G with him next time he’s on because G totally has himself a little same sex crush).

DreadyDan. Another song I just hate – the Commitments soundtrack has a lot to answer for, they totally ruined this song for me. I can’t listen to anyone sing it. Neil Finn could serenade me with it from below the balcony on which I would be reclining on a lounge chair with a Long Island Iced Tea in one hand as Tim from BB peeled and fed me grapes, and it could be the most beautifully sung masterpiece and Tim could be slowly undressing me with his eyes and I would rather hear Achy Breaky Heart and take a nap. I shit you not. Hate this song. Dan made me hate it slightly less. Nice use of the vocal cords oh dreaded one, I look forward to seeing what you do in the Top Twelve.

Emily. Ladies and gentlemen, our second drag queen of the night. This song did nuttin’ for me. It was choppy and made her voice sound a lot weaker than it is. She deserved the Wildcard, she can do much better than that. Although if she did make it through to Top Twelve, she’d be in direct competition with the diva we already have, Anne. With Anne and now Natalie, I don’t think there’s any more room left, we are chockful of Diva's. We have a Diva Overload. Heeee.

James. Gaaaaah, enough of the Callea freaking wannabes already! None of them have been anywhere near as good as the pint sized one and James is another example, although I think nerves got the better of James too. FINALLY! – Kyle and I disagreed on something tonight, because no Kyle, James could not win this thing. I wouldn’t have given him a Wildcard, but then I wouldn’t give him the time of day either (badoom chink - thankyou thankyou, I'm here all week, please remember to tip your waitress, try the fish).

So, yay for Lee and Dan, no surprise with Natalie and bring on the Wildcard show and Roxanne actually getting through . . .

A pox on both their houses.

The dreaded Vocal Gymnastics has been joined by its evil brother, Key Change, on my list of things to have hunted down and killed. Death, say I, to the Key Change. (I am taking a stand on this, shocking isn’t it?) DEATH. Why oh WHY do some of the Idolees feel the need to partake in this silly, show-offy grandstanding style singing? I remember last year when Emelia (sobbed) that she didn’t know you could do more then one Key Change in a song – after Anthony did about five billion one night – and then the very next week she (sobbed) four in one song. Gah. The only decent thing about that was that the sound of Emelia Key-Changing was also the sound of her death knell resounding around this great land of ours. Good times, kids. Good times. The Key Change got a couple of them last night too. Not Laura though, noooooo she was dead in the water well before Key Change got out of bed, shaved, had a coffee, looked around the room and decided to fuck with some kids’ future.

Milly – Girlfriend has a great voice, but she was cabaret all the way. Understandable, being that cabaret is what she does for a living, but lets not do that again Milly mmkay? She still sounded great and is a foregone conclusion to tonights top three. In fact, its not even about the top three tonight, its about which two got the most votes after Milly – even though I don’t think she was the best last night. Oh, and will someone give her a crash course in How to Sit on a Sofa Wearing a Short Dress and Not Flash the World Your Knickers. Thanks.
Ben – the two of us need look no more, we both found what we were looking for. And it wasn’t Billy freaking Joel. Look, he sang this well – give him the telephone book and he will sing it well. Give him Memories from Cats and he will somehow make it not sound like the absolute crapfest of a song it is (BACK OFF FOSSE). But Billy freaking Joel?? If he makes it through it will be like WiggleChris last week and will be on the strength of previous songs. Doubtful. See you at Wildcard.
Laura – I . . . just . . . sigh. This is so sad. On the one hand I want to crucify her for sounding the worst I think anyone has ever sounded on this show. I want to talk about how much pain Pattycakes and I were in listening to her. I want to marvel that even listening to Emelia I never wanted to turn the tv off as much as I wanted to when Laura was on, but duuuude. I think we broke her. That is to say, I think Kyle broke her. She should NEVER have gotten to this stage. Mark was absolutely right telling Kyle off for making excuses for her. She missed a lot of notes, she started in the wrong key and then good god almighty, she massacred the Key Change. She left KC lying in the middle of the room in a pool of blood and spittle. But I BLAME THE JUDGES and the PTB for not talking her out of that song. If I was her, I don’t know that I’d even bother showing up tonight. Buh-bye.
Victoria – my first thought upon seeing Vicky was ‘thank god someone else got to her make-up before she did’, my second was ‘va-va-va-vooooooom’ about her dress and my third was ‘oh dearie dearie me’. She wasn’t great, she didn’t suck as much as some of the contestants last week and it is an incredibly hard song to sing without sounding nasal and annoying. She missed some notes but she hit the big ones. I want to like her, I do. But I don’t. Possibly has an unfair X-Factor advantage – making it to Kate’s Top Five might have won her some exposure that might . . . oh, who am I kidding. No-one watched X-Factor. Might make it Top Four. Maybe.
Bald guy. Um, David. Just a tip David, could you NAIL YOUR FUCKING FEET TO THE GROUND. He twitched and futzed around on stage aimlessly and it frustrated me so much I didn’t listen to him singing, but I do remember thinking he sounded a little weak and that he should have done something by Stevie Wonder. Not a chance in hell. I think.
Roxane – you DON’T need to put out the red light, you will have a singing career. She was awesome (even in that shite outfit). Best bit? Fosse had spent the couple of minutes of her pre-song 'Lets Get To Know Roxane' bit slagging her off, but two seconds into her song he turned to Pattycakes and myself and declared his undying love. She nailed that song, she made sweet, sweet love to it, she took KC out for dinner and did him up against the wall in the restaurant. Awe. Some. Top three, or someone must die.
Kate – the love child of Renee Geyer and Sting. Nice husky vocal chords. Kate lulled me into thinking she was just another Queen of Mugging and then she shazaam-ed me with her song. Just great, but she needs to stop bollocksing around with her hair and letting them turn her into too much of a girl if she’s that uncomfortable with it. Deserves to be Top Three, but with Tarni making it through last week there may not be enough room for her.
Michael – I’ll have my coffee to go, thanks. He has a ‘nice’ voice. A weird accent, but a ‘nice’ voice. He is a prime example of 'the judges should have realised at the Seymour Centre that he needs a year with a good vocal coach before he’s ready for this kind of thing'. Which is almost exactly what Mark then said to him. I hate it when he reads my mind. Back to the barista-ing sweetheart, sorry.
Catherine – Call of the night goes to my homies :
Fosse : She’s very tall.
Pattycakes : Statuesque, would you say?
(awesome pause for best comic affect)
Fosse : Horsy.
We almost didn’t hear her sing at all we were too busy laughing but you may have had to be there. She was pretty okay, touch of the nerves but she still did well. Another example of the girls being much MUCH better than the boys but poor song choice letting her down. Not that it isn’t a great song, I love it, but it wasn’t for her. I’ll be surprised if she makes it through over Kate.
Rocky – oy. The Callea-isms. They just keep coming, don’t they? He did them all, the Anthony Callea Patented Closed Eye Head Tilt, the twitchy Side Leg dance move, the BoyBand Hand Reach and the WORST of them all, the Microphone Fluting. Callea-isms galore. Am I being punished? He wasn’t great, I don’t care how cute he is, or how buff his arms are – he was NOT great. He and Ben are the two guys most likely to get through, but he is the one who doesn’t deserve to.

So that’s it. Top Three If Tallulah Had Her Way would be an all girl Top Three of Milly, Roxane and Kate. I woudn’t be surprised though if Ben pulls a Pete the Pig Farmer and edges Kate out.

And ‘tis lovely to see Marcia took my advice of last week and let someone else dress her, although that dress/shirt/tent thing she was wearing was still ugly, it didn’t make me want to gouge out my eyes and replace them with olives. And however much people loved Mark’s purple velvet jacket it didn’t go with his shirt or the self-satisfied aura he exuded as Laura crashed and burned. I still can’t really talk about Kyle too much. He’s making too much sense. When my therapist and I have worked it out, I’ll let you know.

Better Top 12 then last year? I think not.

Last night definitively confirmed for me that to judge a reality show you must sell your soul to the devil. What other explanation can there be for Marcia’s ensemble last night but that due to the lack of soul residing in her body, she can no longer see herself in the mirror. Blood red blouse and nails, fuschia (pink) lipstick, the most hideous ugly bright blue necklace and a jacket that looked like it was left wet inside the Herald Sun. Ugh. (I spent most of the night yelling What Are You Wearing? at the tv screen every time she appeared and was therefore unable to issue many Shutup Marcia’s, mostly because I didn’t hear much of what she said. But I’m sure it sucked. Shutup Marcia.)
I am also almost certain that Channel 10 must have had Dicko held hostage in a back room with a gun to his head and a microphone to his mouth that led directly to Kyle’s ear, because some of the stuff he said sounded just like Dicko. It made sense. And yes, that makes me sad. Pattycakes hypothesised that Kyle had been asked to ‘tone it down’ for the first week, but that he may have taken it too far this time, but would no doubt be back amongst the scummy and mean next week. (Sidenote : Pattycakes would also like to report that he is slowly getting used to my screeching like a banshee during reality tv but would also like me to get over THE TRAVESTY that was BB05 and freaking move on. I have taken this under advisement.)

Ahem. Boy oh boy, or rather girl oh girl, because the chicks kicked the dudes collective ass last night. Yes, even Irene and Chloe. However due to the fickle, fickle, FICKLE voting public I feel sure that only one girl will get through tonight – most likely RockGrrrl Tarni. Possibly Anne will also have sweet sung her way to top three (wasn’t she lovely??) and I hope to be pleasantly surprised to find that to be the case. Anyway. To recap (in order of singing and not in order of awfulness although don’t think I wasn’t tempted) :

Dan : (Dan? Shannon Noll called and he wants his facial hair back.) I quite like this guy so I was a little disappointed that he didn’t totally rock out his song. He was quite obviously nervous and had the sucky job of going first, but still. Not great. He picked up towards the end of the song and hit his strides but I think it may have been too little, too late. Prior to the perf I thought he would be a shoe in for top three being that he’s cute and has the whole Shannon Noll vibe about him that people inexplicably liked in Shannon Noll but I think he may have to be wildcarded.
Jade-Lori : (I want to see JL and Julia Roberts have a Mouth Off. Biiiiig mouth, I mean the shark from Jaws big.) One Thing is one of my fav boppy teen pop songs at the moment and JL did okaaaaay with it. She didn’t make me want to dance so much but I was singing the chorus for about an hour afterwards so she may have stuck in people’s minds. However she has the unfortunate double barrelled name and most people can’t be bothered texting in the hyphen. No top three for her.
Lindsay : (Could join the Mouth Off, but only if he wears the Kiss makeup at the same time because that would be cool.) I don’t like this guy, don’t like his voice, don’t like his attitude, don’t like his song choice BUT I think Mark was UNFORGIVEABLY rude to him and will have landed him a few sympathy votes. His presenting of his arse to Mark for kissing may have struck a nerve with the same people who voted for Daniel Belle last year when he slapped Dicko and Mark down verbally. Potential to slip through despite icky song/performance.
Chloe : (Who?) Yeah, exactly. The chick who did the Kelly Clarkson song and seems completely devoid of anything that might make us remember her except for the fact that she has a good voice. Needs to mug more for the camera, she should spend more time with Irene, the Queen of Mugging. Pretty song, pretty singing but what was her name again? Doubtful.
Seth : (Thankyou, but we already have a Guy Sebastian) He did all the things I hate, vocal gymnastics, microphone finger fluting and he has a mullet. The Mullet That Ate 1987. He sang a blah song blahly. So of course Marcia loved him. Shutup Marcia. The girls may like him. Potential to slip through also.
Anne : (Damn gf, why are you wasting your time in this competition, someone sign her up NOW) Lovely, lovely voice. Perfect song, beautifully performed – she has the same problem as Chloe in regards to rememberability but unlike Chloe, she nailed her song and was great to watch. People will remember the voice. One of the two girls who should get through.
Joshua : (Craig David’s lawyers have contacted Channel 10 to ask Josh to cease and desist his Craig-lite impersonation. I heartily congratulate their speed and wish them well.) Absolute crap. Not a note was hit correctly, he was in the wrong key and looked like he wanted a cuddle from his mum. Too young. Too too too young. But the Brit accent and the admittedly, very cute smile may work with the girls. Another boy who doesn’t deserve to get through but who might. Gah.
Irene : (The Queen of Mugging - seriously, I checked I still had my purse and keys after she performed) This was not as bad as I thought it was going to be, but you can tell she’s done that song at karaoke a THOUSAND times. She also hit her stride by the middle of the song. The dancing was a bit much but if she doesn’t get through tonight - which I suspect - then she at least deserves a wildcard with Dan.
Chris the Wiggle : (Please get a haircut. I’m begging you.) The biggest disappointment of the night. I thought this guy was going to SAIL through to the top 12 but after last night I’m not so sure. I still liked it, but it was bland next to the perf he did to get into the top 30. He should buy as many rabbit feet as he can find and keep his fingers crossed. He can still make it into top three if people go off previous perfs.
Tarni : (Sweet Child of Top Three, here I come) The performance of the night. I made notes last night and next to her name I have written ‘pretty damn good’. The judges said she was holding back too much for her rockgrrrl image but I think she may have done that deliberately, trying not to freak out the mainstream audience too much. She deserves to be top three.

So there you have it, I want the top three to be Chris, Tarni and Anne but I don’t hold out hopes. The girls were two levels above the guys and deserve to make up the top three entirely but they probably won’t which is incredibly unfair. But I’ll just sit here in my own I Can’t Believe Tim Didn’t Win BB05 pool of bile, and fester bitterly - thanks very much.

Please please PLEASE, I've been EVER so good

In a few scant hours we shall know if Australia values intelligence and wit above a good body and the kind of ‘nice’ that your mother hopes you’d bring home, as Lefty Tim battles Gregarious Greg in a battle to see who will cross the Big Brother finish line first. (Actually, I’d like to think that my mother would be well chuffed if I were to bring young Tim home with me. I know my dad would be ecstatic for a labour, lefty son-in-law.)
My fingers are tightly crossed, my hopes are high and I will be MOST ANNOYED if he doesn’t win. Its been such a good time for reality television recently : first Casey won AI, then hunky NY Fireman Tom won Survivour, Kendra kicked Tana’s ass in The Apprentice and Uchenna and Joyce narrowly won The Amazing Race (also awesome just for the looks of defeat plastered across the faces of Rob and Amber.) Although there was only one of these winners who wasn’t what could be classified as an ‘underdog’ (who didn’t think that if he got to the final two that Tom wouldn’t win??!! It was practically written in the stars. Lordy, I miss that man . . . sigh), all of them were what I would classify as worthy winners who have had fabulous success and generally a really fun time. (Poor Casey. Poor, poor, poor Casey).
Tim is another worthy winner for me. Without a doubt my favourite Tim moment was the infamous Dean Slapdown (both rounds one and two), in which our hero Lefty Tim singlemindedly battled the vainglorious Doodoo Dumper of Evil with nary a thought for the fact that physically Dean could have snapped him in two. Instead Tim used his wits, his very big vocab and the fact that his toenail clippings have shown higher signs of intelligence than Dean, and verbally pounded him into the ground. Twice. On national television. With Dean's little piggy eyes flitting left to right in terror and fear spraying across his face as he slowly realised he had taken on an intellect he couldn't browbeat into submission.
Fucking. Gold.
If he doesn't win, I will cry. Lots.

Much. Very very much.

We’re not really off to the most auspicious of starts, are we? How exactly do they have 150 people after the auditions? They put only EIGHT people through from my hometown Perth – in theory I don’t have a problem with this, the less semi-talented kids who have their spirits broken in Sydney, the better – but they still ended up with 150? Just watching some of those final NSW auditions Pattycakes and I were aghast. A-ghast. At least 75 of them won’t make it through the first day at the Seymour Centre, hell they won’t make it to the mid-morning BREAK. Why waste their time? Tell them at the get go, at that first audition “Yeah, you can sing, but you need training first – go find yourself a vocal coach, train for a year and we’ll see you in ‘06”. Its what should have been said to Cosima before she butchered her vocal cords and ruined her chances in Season One and it’s a variant on what should have been said to Emilia last year. (Actually what should have been said to Emilia is a hearty “sod off you talentless gormless git and for goodness sake, STOP CRYING”. And yes, I still hear Dicko’s voice saying these snarky things. Man, I miss Dicko.)
I see no Chanel’s this season, I see no Ngairre’s, no Courtney’s. Dude? I don’t even see a Callea – say what you will of his taste in music, his appalling Johnny Young Talent Time-isms and his unwillingness to alienate his teen-y fan base by owning up to the Gayness That Is Anthony ( . . . allegedly), the little man has a good and technically proficient voice.
And I get that they don’t want another Casey, another too young winner with an awesome voice but no immediately discernible marketability who probably won't sell a bazillion badly written first single(s) and that THAT’S why they didn’t let through MultiPierce Girl in Perth (whom I personally thought had one of the best voices I’d heard audition ever, let alone this season.) I understood, I waved Casey Mk II bye-bye and only allowed myself to be mildly outraged, consoling myself with the thought that they were doing what they thought was best for ‘the competition’. I do not accept however, that pleading your case to God in front of the apparently easily swayed Marcia (as long as your name doesn’t contain the following letters, L C N A H and E), whilst being in possession of an, at best, mediocre voice and then being allowed through (??!! GAH.) as being good for this competition. Nor is singing Jimmy Barnes style at the top of your lungs with not even a passing thought for my speakers. Nor giving it the old Ricki-Lee Shriekerama treatment and having no regard for any and all dogs in the immediate vicinity. And if you’re young and pretty and look fine in a dress but don’t really sing terribly well, then the line to Australia’s Next Top Model starts over there. Just follow the trail of Kyle’s drool. But this? Is a SINGING competition.
In short : Judges, you need to drop the dross, of which there is sooooo much so far and let us see some actual singing. Contestants, you need to step it up (and in some cases step it off a tall building.) Before we even hit the Seymour Centre last year I had favourites that I retained all season, like water – Chanel and Courtney, take a bow - but this year? So far, it is much with the meh. I’m hoping they’re hiding someone’s light under a bushel, otherwise it's PigGirl and Mullfawk Milly all the way for me.

(and yes, you DID see Jakey B the Rock Kid from XFactor in the final 150. Don't be scared, I'm almost positive he won't be around for very long . . .)

I love Tim. Oh yes, I do.

Dear Australia,

It isn't often that we agree on something. I really liked Chanel last Idol season and you liked Casey (although as it turns out, you actually liked Anthony more, you just didn't want him to win, but that's okay - you're fickle, I've come to expect that) and I'm really quite vocal about my dislike of John Howard, but you seem to enjoy the little man so much you just can't resist keeping him around. Also, I think Nicole Kidman is shite and Cate Blanchett is awesome, but you only ever seem to want Nicole over for dinner.
I've gotten used to having a different opinion to you. Sometimes I don't even question it anymore, its just the way things are. I say potato, you say potato (you need to imagine that we vocalise it differently).
So why do we seem to agree lately on who needs to go from Big Brother? Glenn, Hotdogs, Dean, Rita, Kristy and now Kate. Brilliant.
I mean when this season started, I don't think I could have given you the name of even one person that I liked. You could have held a gun to my head and still I would have struggled. Eventually I think I might have muttered something along the lines of 'that chick from WA who seems to have a brain and doesn't get her kit off every five seconds.' But then I started to hear strange things about her, Margaret Thatcher love, Liberal Sensibilities . . . and I began to notice the funny looking thin guy with the strange upper lip. Words of more than two syllables spilled from his lips. He made . . . sense when he opened his mouth, he seemed not to join in with as much of the coarse behaviour and he tolerated the bullying asshattishness of the other males around him. Granted, he lusted after and then loved the right wing chick previously mentioned, but he still made it seem to make sense that a guy like him might like a girl like her.
I liked him. And then . . . without even noticing when or how . . . I loved him.
Now, it looks like he might actually win this thing and I need to know, dare I actually believe it? The only intelligent, modern, halfway decent human being in the house might win? Someone deserving? Sensitive? Forthright? I don't know what to say. I mean I'm grateful that we've finally agreed on something - not that it makes three terms of Howard** any easier to swallow, but hey! Its something, right??!! Its a start.
So I've contacted my lawyers and asked them to put a halt to the divorce proceedings and I'm moving back in. I think we might actually have a chance to save this relationship.
And I for one, am happy about that. I would have missed you terribly, opposing viewpoints and all.

love and kisses
TallulahBelle
xx

** I don't count the first term as a mistake, just the consequent three following . . .

Get your hate on kids, it's Australian Idol 3

Ahem. Let me get this out of the way upfront. I dislike Kyle Sandilands. Quite a bit, in fact. He frequently fills me with bile. I avoid his radio show at all costs and I wanted him to spontaneously combust when he was on Celebrity Big Brother. I find his attitude towards women appalling – he is a cruel, opinionated chauvinist (and I only find one of those qualities attractive – a pretty ribbon to the first person who guesses which one). Suffice it to say, I’m not a big fan. I am concerned at the damage someone like Sandilands might do to the first naïve, not so attractive, big boned seventeen year old who strays into his line of sight during the audition process. This is my extremely roundabout way of saying that should the planets align and Atlantis rise from the sea and I actually compliment or agree with something he says in the next however many months of Idol, then I really really agree with it. Cross your fingers that doesn’t happen . . .

Well. The first weeks auditions were twee, hideous, brave, foolish, hopeful, hopeless, sad and - at least two - were pretty damn good. And by pretty damn good, I mean I actually remember them two nights later. One of the good auditionees was QLD’s Pig-Girl (who hopefully will get enough screen time once we hit the top 150-odd that I will remember what her name is and can stop calling her Pig-Girl.) She gets extra points for pretending to stab Kyle, something I had screeched at the telly for her to do the instant she said she had killed pigs before.
Kyle? Meet your maker. Heh.

Second was Millie from Tassie, cute as a freaking button but with the worst fauxhawk I’ve seen in a while. It was like a mullet crossed with a fauxhawk . . . what would you call that? A mull . . . fawk? Luckily, her voice was awesome. Ditto Pig-Girl. They are quite literally the only two singers I remember clearly from the auditions without going back and rewatching.
I’m not going to do that. Gah.

I am choosing not to discuss in depth or detail the remarks made by the judges – there’s no point at this juncture, there were too many auditions, too many nasty things said and, quite frankly, too many freakin’ mediocre singers put through. And its going to be that way for a while, at least until the top thirty. The LulahB loungeroom was chockful of raised eyebrows and askance glances at some of the judging choices. Many a ‘huh?!’ was tossed around each time a prêt a porter/Kmart version of Beyonce was put through. And for the third year in a row, can we get a moratorium on vocal gymnastics?? They seem to get more pronounced and hysterical every year. Not to sound like Marcia or anything but SING THE FREAKING SONG. Just the song. Not the notes around the song, or the notes you can see in the song or the notes that Mariah and Whitney invented, just the song. The. Actual. Song.

(Speaking of Marcia, I clocked in at 7.48pm Tuesday night with my first Shutup Marcia of the season. I can’t remember why or how it came about, but may there be many, many more.)

Oh, and a HUGE thankyou to whoever loves me at Channel Seven – this Sunday night, a 90 minute MythBusters special about – squeeee - sharks!! and then a special anniversary screening of a film I’m kinda fond of. The only sucky thing is it will clash with the lovefest that is Tim on BB - huzzah for VCR’s, say I, huzzah.

To Do List

1. Compile list of epithets, curses, adjectives and ingeniusly composed phrases in preparation of slammin’ Kyle Sandilands on Australian Idol. Am actually looking forward to not hating Marcia so much this season. Bring it ON Sandilands, you talentless hack!!
2. Do taxes. Use money back on taxes to buy something pretty.
3. Research way to make Tim from Big Brother fall madly in love with me. I am WAAAAAAY better than Kate, Timmy!
(It occurred to me last night that maybe it might be better if he doesn’t win, that way when Smart Women of Australia – or S.W.A., I'm starting a club – THROW themselves at him, he will know its because he’s kind and lovely and is much with the wordage, as opposed to thinking its just because he won a million dollars. Which is what he will think!! - because he’s lovely that way and self deprecating and doesn't realise how great he is and how any woman would be lucky to have him and I'm worried he won’t appreciate that this is because he’s WONDERFUL. Ahem.)
*rushes off to refill valium prescription*
4. Relax, safe in the knowledge that I currently have no lines to learn for anything. Then run out and rent Educating Rita to brush up on Liverpudlian accent for upcoming audition.
5. CALL YOUR GRANDMOTHER.
6. Update and write new blog for recently terribly neglected site . . . huh.

Well. Will you look at that . . . *tick*