Helter Skelter.

Third semi final, third skinny tie on Mathieson and aww, look the boys miss each other SO much that they’ve dressed in similar and complementing shades of charcoal. Whatserface is not involved in this first bit which is good. Tonight I’ll be suggesting people who I thought might have made a better choice as co-hosts every time she appears. Let’s have some fun with it, shall we? But first up, joining Chrislyn and The Messiah in the Top 12 are Amanda and Brooke!! Yayayayayayay. Oh, FINE. It’s neither of those people. Instead it’s Babyface Tom first and let’s pause a little and talk about that shall we? BAD AUSTRALIA. Bad. He is the youngest young person who every younged. He’s not a baby, he’s a foetus, he still has gestating to do. So that’s one big rap across the nose with a rolled up newspaper for the teens and tweens who voted for Tom the infant. Baaaaaad. (Also, Nomes has dubbed him Dimples. I like it, lets go with that, Dimples he is.) And you, people who voted for Thanh? Yeah, you. As punishment Justin Timberlake will not be allowed back into the country to tour for at least the next three years. So you go off and you THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.

G tries to buck up the leftover contestants reminding them Wildcard is a’coming and hey! That chick who won last year was a Wildcard and look at how well she’s done with her multiple number one hits, her great CD of originals and ooh look over there at that pretty shiny thing and quickly on with the show before anyone starts asking questions. Like, where exactly have you hidden The Gauc’s body? And how does she fit in there with PoorPoorCasey and TeamKate already taking up room and stinking up the joint? Really, how long before a corpse gets really stinky. Someone who watches CSI? In the comments please, thanks.

The boys throw to whatserface and don’t you think Pol Pot would have made an AWESOME co-host? I know he’s been dead for ten years and was a genocidal madman but I bet he could master a teleprompter quicker!

First cab off the rank (still funny) is Matt Parsons and Thirsty Merc’s ‘Summertime’ and yes sir, you do have appropriately ridiculous enough facial hair to pull off one of their songs. He’s a bit cheesy but his voice is excellent. He covers the range nicely (if a bit iffyish on some of the lower notes) but he looks a little lost without a band behind him or a guitar and a digeridoo in front of him. It’s still pretty good and a NICE start.

Dicko thinks he’s very dependable as a performer but now they need to refine and that his smiling, pleasing demeanour will only get him so far in rock. Dicko then tells him he looks like an Amish lad who has found an iPod and turned his back on barn building. Oh Dicko, you give me at least one brilliant line an episode, bless you. Marcia thinks he has a fine voice. She does warn him about pitchiness but thinks that was because he didn't have his guitar. And what about the didgeridoo, Brown Sugar? What did that cause? Kyle has no doubt he has a fine voice but thinks he looks like he's polished himself up to meet his girlfriend's parents for the first time and he needs to just be him, scraggly and bearded. Until the week when Kyle tells him he needs to put on a decent freaking shirt and comb his damn hair because he's on television for crying out loud. Matt saunters off to finish rumspringa.

James introduces Sophie Paterson who tonight will be serenading us with her rejigged version of The Rolling Stones classic 'Satisfaction' and she starts off sitting by the side of the stage which I'm not overly fond of but she wails the lyrics to this song like she's performing the closer at Lilith Fair and MAN, is it cool. It's one of the most interesting arrangements of any song on this show ever (and I'm including the horrible things Bobby did to 'Werewolves of London' and the awesome things Bobby did to 'Under The Milky Way Tonight'). Love. It.

Marcia tells her not to worry because she's sure there are PLENTY of people who'd like to satisfy her - testify, Brown Sugar!! She loves the brave arranging, telling her she tore it up and that it was smoky and great. Kyle loves everything, the sitting, the wailing and says there are a lot of artists doing that style of presentation (I think he means intepretation, the numbskull). Dicko calls her a surprise package and says she so hot she's probably doubled Australian Idol's carbon footprint this year (he's two for two, kids!). He calls it the standout performance of the series this year - wow, better than the whole thirteen performances that came before it? Slow down, Dicko. Sophie doesn't understand how G operates, she holds her mike in the hand nearest him and how is he meant to hold your hand and caress it like a frightened kitten if you don't help a little, Sophie??

G throws to whatserface and don't you think the Matt Damon puppet from Team America:World Police would have made an AWESOME co-host? He would have introduced everyone as "Maattt Damonnnn" but I hear he has a great attitude and that his upside down pineapple cake is just to die for. Plus he doesn't need a huge dressing room, just a box with air holes cut in it.

Third singer is Teale Jakubenko and his awe inspiring jaw line and cute little bum chin. My brother has the same dimple in the middle of his chin and he's passed it on to my nephew. Cutiepie's, every one. He's singing 'Running' by Evermore. He pretties it up a little too much, perfectly enunciating every word but lets go when he gets to the chorus. He also lets slightly go of his pitch. It's still not too bad and his last long note is delightful.

Kyle calls him a beautiful man - and really, Kyle needs someone to have a crush on now that HotCarl has moved on. He felt Teale was going to trip over at any point and warns him to keep an eye on the nerves, but loved him loved him loved him. Dicko says he did trip over twice and that Teale knows he did - pitchy bits, man, Dicko and I are SO on the same wavelength tonight! He worries that his back catalogue is too soft rock and he needs to sex symbol it up. Marcia tells him he ticks all the boxes and he's comfortable and when he goes for the big notes, he's "there' and then she "chachacha"s at him. Then G makes an erection joke that goes over Teale's head but Dicko gets it and he and G smiley flirt at each other a bit. Then Mathieson stomps over and pulls Dicko's jacket over his shirt and he and G start a screaming domestic as we go to a commercial. Oh, you two. Now, kiss and make up.

Sidebar: please don't watch Kenny's World. I'm begging you.

Country singing hottie Brooke Schubert plays weekly pub gigs at the Black Nugget and Mathieson takes that one and rides it for about five minutes and whatserface can't banter like this at all. Fired. She's country popping Linda Ronstadt's 'When Will I Be Loved' and damn, but this is fun! She's got a great country pop voice and you can tell she's used to performing because the audience ain't fazing her one little bit. She's smiling with them, she's cheeky, she's busting out some dance moves and she's singing her heart out. Wow, this is a good night.

Dicko thinks she is in the top three performers they have in the Top 24. He gives her a word of caution that she needs to send a clear message of where she stands musically, flipping between country and soft rock may confuse the Australian public. Dude, I have two words for you: Shania Twain. This country bought 1.5 million copies of 'Come On Over' and I know that was in the 90's but still. The crossover can be done. Just don't ask Brooke to sing 'Man, I Feel Like A Woman' and I'll be happy. Marcia has a quick shout out for Brooke from someone named Te'ann (?) and is Marcia Facebook now? Can I friend The Messiah and all the Brookes please? I want to play Scrabulous with them. (There are three Brooke's in the Top 24.) Marcia tells her she needs to think of her notes and how clear they need to be and also well done darling. Kyle agrees with both his fellow judges that she's doing everything she should be but he doesn't care. He tells her he won't lose sleep over it but that she should, and she needs to change people's minds. G isn't having a bar of it and tells Kyle he ain't helping but you know what is? Brooke knows how G works and she's got her mike in her left hand, leaving her right wide open and predictably the adorable G has taken it.

G throws to whatserface and don’t you think Vladimir Putin would have made an AWESOME co-host? Granted, I think he only speaks Russian and he would have to fly in and out all the time so he could still, you know, be the Prime Minister and all and he's still kind of got that whole Georgia thing going on but he owns several guns and he knows how to use them and now that Dimples is in the Top 12, he's going to need a bodyguard, someone who isn't afraid to pop a cap in someone else's ass. Also, maybe as a thank you, Dimples could sing 'I Will Always Love You' from The Bodyguard soundtrack in a future episode and dedicate it to Vlad. Wouldn't that be cool?

Mark Spano and his awesome freaking rock voice, have officially blown my mind. He's singing the BRILLIANT 'Come, Said The Boy' by Mondo Rock and I have ALWAYS wanted someone to do this song on Idol and do it well. And does he do it well? Can I get a 'hell' and a 'yeah'? It's beautifully crooned and just about the perfect song for him, perfectly sung. I get the impression it isn't the first time he's ever done it but when the band quietens and the camera swoops in on him as he arcs his neck back and pulls a half jesus pose; It. Is. Dead. Sexy. He is so not my type and he makes me feel a little dirty . . . I like it . . no, I love it. Yay for being confused!

Marcia congratulates him on singing "one of the finest songs written in Australia, that's just one of the baddest songs I know, yeah?" and WHO TOLD? Who told Marcia that she said too many songs were her favourite last year? Someone must have told her because she is fighting DAMN hard not to say it here. Damn damn hard. She looks like she might be pinching herself under the judge's table to keep from saying it. She loves the light and shade in his voice and tells him the nodules were a blessing because he got two years off . . . to work in construction. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but what? Kyle tells him he had this cougar purring (he means Marcia) and she laughingly agrees that she loves that song. And yeah, it is a sexy song. Kyle calls it perfection. Dicko thinks the group tonight is brilliant and is the group of death and you need to be good to stand out and Mark was exceptional. Dicko has a crush too and purrs a little. G is impressed and mentally notes to ask Mark for some pointers during the break.

The freaking adorable Roshani Priddis is giving everyone a little musical education tonight by singing the original version of 'Knock On Wood' by Eddie Floyd, but I don't think anyone's going to be rushing out to iTunes it. It's a little - look, Kyle says it perfectly, it's cafe music (he says cafe del mar), it's the kind of jazzy/blues version of a song that would fit right into an Italian bistro in Carlton. It's not horrid, not in any way shape or form. It's just ridiculously underwhelming, especially after the brilliance of Mark.

Kyle has his disappointed face on from the get go, he wanted it to be the disco version which he thinks would have rocked it out completely. Dicko disagrees and loved the version she did. He thinks she presents as really commercial and marketable but he says there were huge holes in her pitch, but he'll leave that to the Queen to talk about. Dicko, didn't you get the memo? We're calling Marcia 'Brown Sugar' this season. Get on board. Marcia asks if she's aware of the pitch issues during the song. Roshani says it's a combo of nerves and breathing and Marcia gives her a pass. Dicko jumps in to point out to all the contestants that pitch is a big issue with this show. I know if I had a dollar for every time I typed 'pitch' I'd be able to fly to Sydney where they film the show and fire whatserface myself. Roshani could NOT be cuter.

Mark to go through obviously and then I like either Brooke or Sophie because we're really guy heavy at the moment but I wouldn't be horrified if any of them got through. Although it should be Mark and anyone else.

The boys throw to whatserface and don’t you think Charles Manson would have made an AWESOME co-host? Yeah, he would have had to do his co-hosting duties from his jail cell in Corcoran State Prison but he's already completed all the possible inmate correspondence courses, graduated summa cum laude from Big Tina's Finishing School of Cellblock Three, painted excellent copies of all the Masters (including those tricky Surrealists - the tiger's in Dali's 'Dream Caused By The Flight Of A Bee Around A Pomegranate A Second Before Waking' were a nightmare) and made an entire two storey house out of wicker. He's bored now. Co-host would be a totally new and exciting experience for him. He promises not to have anyone killed.

TallulahBelle out.

Things Through History Which Have Caused Less Annoyance Than whatserface Coulter Sharing Hosting On Idol

Things Through History Which Have Caused Less Annoyance Than whatserface Coulter Sharing Hosting On Idol. Jack the Ripper.

Mathieson and G start the show together, quickly letting go of each other's hands as the music dies. Jimmy is wearing another skinny tie again. Are they back in as well? Skinny ties and jumpsuits, what IS the world coming to? At least this one is sparkle free. He reveals the first contestant through to the Top 12 and the first two people the director shows as Jimmy says the words 'as voted by you into the Top 12 of 2008' are Wes Carr and Chrislyn Hamilton (who are also coincidentally standing on either side of the boys). So it's no huge surprise when Chrislyn is first through. She doubles over in glee. G gets to say Wes Carr's name and as The Messiah throws his head back it register on me that he's not wearing a hat, silly or otherwise. G announces that the Idol hosting team is 33.3% more awesome because of whatserface and MAN, the boobies are OUT tonight.

Things Through History Which Have Caused Less Annoyance Than whatserface Coulter Sharing Hosting On Idol. The black plague.

First cab off the rank (and yeah, I'm going to do that as long as it amuses me that Coulter fucked it up) is the laconic lad, Luke Dickens singing Wilson Pickett's 'Mustang Sally'. Must I have this conversation every year? Songs from the movie The Commitments are out of bounds. There's one every freaking season. I actually don't mind his performance. It's less Andrew Strong (lead singer of the Commitments) and might actually be the first song he's sung as himself. He has a gravelly, raspy voice, it almost hurts to listen to but he is absolutely the first kind of . . . him . . . there's been on this show. I reluctantly want him to go through. Wow. I just don't know who I am anymore. Blame whatserface. His facial hair is still stupid and his tshirt says Smet. What the frilly heck does that even mean?

Dicko loves that if they'd put Luke in front of the head honchos of the record industry they'd have hidden beneath their desks and instead now the Australian public gets to decide and he thinks that and the performance were great. Marcia 'well wells' at him and then tells him it was 'dynamite'. Is dynamite the new 'favourite song'? She said it twice last night. Then she says it again! And that it was really gas. Has Marcia changed suppliers? What have they cut her shit with? Or is she just watching old episodes of 'Good Times' in the dressing room? Avoid the episode where James Evans Sr dies Marcia, your eyelashes will get stuck together and you won't be able to tell if your wig is on straight - which, by the way, have been excellent this season. Kyle thinks he has a great voice but wants to know how he's going to transcend from the shearers shed to Idol contestants - Kyle, he'll be fine, I'm positive Luke's been to a few RSLs in his time, he'll LOVE his national tour of them. Kyle completely randomly asks what's going on in Luke's life so we can completely randomly be told his partner is pregnant. Kyle brushes that off as being her job and Luke has done his part and I'd REALLY like to think that Kyle is kidding. (That's part of his persona, the brash arsehole. It's an act. Right? He can NOT be human.) It's Mathieson and his skinny tie who are out to chat with the contestants tonight. Whatserface is happily nowhere to be seen.

Things Through History Which Have Caused Less Annoyance Than whatserface Coulter Sharing Hosting On Idol. Jar Jar Binks.

Curly haired invalid Brooke Wilkie has a great individual voice and her blues solo performance from the Top 100 is fucking awesome. Man, I wish we'd seen more of that. It's such a shame her vocal cords have been shredded by laryngitis because otherwise Paolo Nutini's 'New Shoes' might have sounded just as good. It still sounds okay to start but it has no strength and she's struggling to get out any sound at all by halfway through and how she keeps from bursting into tears and falling to the ground, I just don't know. She's got some quirky moves as well and she keeps smiling and she just gets such major points for trying. The crowd knows she's sick and they go apeshit in support, to which she smiles sadly, but thankfully. I want to hug her. Can I hug her? Can someone please hug her? This is the only time EVER I actually want the pity vote to get someone through and I'm fucking due one . . .

Marcia calls it an incredibly brave effort and explains about her lost voice and tells her that regardless she needs to make sure she still gives a performance and . . . hell . . . I've been there. I once passed out backstage and had to be driven home by my director whilst his wife went on in my place script in hand and it's DEVASTATING. You feel like absolute shit and you've just let people down, there are few worse feelings and being sick multiplies everything. Kyle wants more info about the voice and don't make her talk, she's croaky as hell. Kyle refuses to judge her because she's better than the performance she gave and that he hopes people vote based on her prior perfs - which luckily we got to see tonight because she only got about twenty seconds screentime up to that point. Dicko ain't scared to judge her and prattles on about getting sick and having a sold out arena and how as an artist you've got to just deal with it. Bull. Shit. Christina Aguilera cancelled her last concert here because of a sore throat, Celine's cancelled, Kylie's cancelled (and I don't mean just because of the cancer, I'm not that mean or stupid), Mariah's cancelled, SINGERS CANCEL SHOWS ALL THE TIME and do you know why? Because that is their fucking instrument in the middle of their throat all covered in phlegm and virus' and potential nodule causing injuries because they forced themselves to sing. Dicko, remember Cosima. He does stress he wants her to connect more with the audience non verbally. Mathieson didn't get my text because he does not hug Brooke. Awwwww.

Things Through History Which Have Caused Less Annoyance Than whatserface Coulter Sharing Hosting On Idol. The entire cast of Full House.

Baby faced (seriously, they checked his birth certificate right?) Tom Williams is going where Daniel Belle dared to tread and is singing Josh Groban's 'You Raise Me Up' and sorry, but when you've seen and heard Daniel sing this live, there ain't any more room for any other version little boy. But hey, give it a try. He starts off well but he doesn't have even a portion of the vocal strength that Belle had. He gets a bit pitchy during the chorus. He has a nice church voice but it's just a dull performance. I at no point get the shivers. This is a shivers song.

Kyle loves him but calls it a little bit too girly for him. The crowd boos and oh jesus, Tom is going to be this year's Matt Corby. Loved by the fangirlies, unable to do any wrong, blessed with unworthy Touchdowns . . . oh, wait. Heeeeee. Tom has an ear and throat infection but Kyle doesn't care and namechecks the Veronica's 'Take Me On The Floor' and I HATE that song because of the 'I wanna kiss a girl, I wanna kiss a boy' bit but I would have applauded if he'd done that song and sung that particular bit. Then he calls the song a total Grandma song choice. Dicko knows the people love him and his popularity and cuteness will get him through but that he needs to improve his vocals and wants him to get through and go on based on his tonsils and not his dimples, or as I prefer to call it; Dean Geyer Syndrome. Marcia wants it be a bit of both - she loves the young boys - but tells him to watch his breathing. She comes dangerously close to calling it one of her favourite songs. Mathieson's eyes about pop out of his head when he questions the year young Tom was born.

Unlike last night, G and whatserface don't seem to be sharing the holding room . . . she's nowhere. This is a slight improvement but only if where she currently is, is in her car driving home after being fired.

Things Through History Which Have Caused Less Annoyance Than whatserface Coulter Sharing Hosting On Idol. The Crazy Frog ringtone.

Powerhouse Natalie Colavito breaks my heart. She sings 'Listen' from Dreamgirls. She sings it really really well, excellent technique blah blah but it's covered in trilling and there's so much vocal gymnastics going on she gets an 8.4 from the Russian judge. It's carbon copy Beyonce from the movie. Do we have room for three big female voices? We already have Chrislyn and it's pretty much a certainty that Madam will get through when she performs. I think I actually like Natalie's voice better but has she been hamstrung by performing after Chrislyn already went through?

Dicko doesn't want to talk about the vocal he wants to talk about the fact that she's a big girl and Natalie does this awesome thing that makes me pause the tape for a second. She puts her chin up and her nostrils flare and her eyes flash 'fucking BRING it' in his direction. They may even have gone a little devil red around the irises. He tells her to use it or lose it. Huh? He wants her to add a physicality to her performance like Chrislyn and be sexier and more comfortable. Marcia tells her she needs to stop oversinging and 'listen' to the note and come back to the melody. Yay for discouraging the trillympics! Kyle thinks she's pretty happy in herself and that she is working what she has and discourages her dressing from the whatserface House of Get Your Cans Out.

Things Through History Which Have Caused Less Annoyance Than whatserface Coulter Sharing Hosting On Idol. Channel Ten's new show Taken Out.

Rock chick Amanda Grafanakis takes on Pink's 'Who Knew'. It's a quite nice rock performance but this song? This song is HEARTBREAKINGLY sad. I - for real - couldn't hear it on the radio without crying a little the first few times I heard it. Taking the history of the song and putting it aside, she rocks the fuck out of it and busts some very nice vocals. Nice. Unexpected.

Marcia says she's always saying to contestants to take steps in a song and tells her she should start *fistpunch* right there. She mentions the Pink angst and tells her to cut to the chase. Can you start at *fistpunch* and still show angst? I don't know. Pink puts the angst in with that delightful crack she has in her voice and her sad sad puppydog eyes. The she releases a bitchy fucking number about her exhusband unfortunately a week before his baby brother is killed unexpectedly. Moving on. Every season Kyle shows he knows less about music than ANYONE. He says this is a song about being dumped. Maybe superficially it is Kyle, but really this song is about friendship. It's about friends who have overdosed and died. That last kiss, I'll cherish, until we meet again. That lyric KILLS me. The friend is dead. It's about LOSS, you pillock, GOD. Dicko tells her to be careful and shouldn't develop a princess attitude and needs to deliver pop rock with individual style (or Gwen Stefani's, whatever). Mathieson doesn't think she's a princess either and says she can't do the frou frou thing. And then she and Mathieson go 'pop' at each other like they are each others fairy godmother! Make whatserface disappear and I'll go to the ball in those recklessly dangerous glass slippers!!

Things Through History Which Have Caused Less Annoyance Than whatserface Coulter Sharing Hosting On Idol. The beautiful pearl earrings Vincent Van Gogh received the Christmas he lopped off the lobe of his left ear.

Final performance (or the pimp spot) is Thanh Bui and his rendition of U2's 'One'. This is the other U2 song I like, please don't boyband it. This is not a fast and crazy song but he's slowed it down even more. It's . . . you know what it is? It's total Altar Boyz. It's that musical about Take That that Shaneequa saw when she was in London that spelt out the lyrics to a song in the rain. He can sing, there is no question about that, but he's really - god, he's Callea. It's another freaking Callea. Save me. Save us all.

Marcia wants to know what he'd say if one of his students came out and sang like that and it's a trick question Thanh, she totally loved you, she loves that kind of boyband shit. He platitudes that 'you did the very best you could, go and listen back to the tape and see what you can learn from it'. Marcia verbatims it back to him. Ha! Brown Sugar is so sassy this season!! Kyle thinks he has an amazing voice and he's going to stand out no matter what. He finds it pleasureable to listen to him. The he's just gross about his jacket. Ew. Dicko initiates Operation Thrash The Boy Band Out Of Thanh Bui and that's just ace. I love it when he makes the jokes for me! He tells him it was still really boyband - he reminds him that Robbie and Justin who have come from boybands have made themselves individuals and stand out and that's what he needs to do. Thanh has the cutest smile. Goooood teeth, dude.

The boys do a little eye fucking with each other before throwing us back to the recap (and man, they could have showed the start of Brooke's song before she COMPLETELY lost her voice) and the best two performances appear to have been the rockers - Luke and Amanda. But pity vote for Brooke, pity vote!! Please . . . I put up with Laura Gissara for way too many weeks in Season Three. You OWE me one.

Things Through History Which Have Caused Less Annoyance Than whatserface Coulter Sharing Hosting On Idol. Cane toads.

TallulahBelle out.

So. Very. Tired.

Can I get a show of hands - who has Idol fatigue already?

*raises hand*

A whole week of auditions, the Top 100 and straight into the semi finals with only one scant twentyfour hour period with which to rest my weary fingers, bloodshot eyes and scoffing eyebrow? You guys, this shit is tough.

Dicko won the arm wrestle backstage (it came down to him and Brown Sugar - Kyle was out in the first round to Andrew G and whatserface Coulter snapped Mathieson's ulna in two places) to break the news to the semi finalists that the winner this year gets TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS to help them live the dream. $200k? That'll book, what, a week and a half of studio time and buy enough cocaine to line the stomach of eight hookers? Cool! Dude, Mathieson is wearing the ugliest skinny tie. It has sparkles. I blame whatserface Coulter. I'll be doing that a lot, I'll tell you that right now.

Coulter's dress makes her breasts look gigantic and she stuffs up her very first line getting 'first cab off the rank' wrong and FIRE HER, FIRE HER NOW. For the line, not the boobage. The boobage gives me material. See below.

First cab off the rank (see, it's not difficult, Boobs McGet'EmOut) is Chrislyn Hamilton who is singing a song that I think has featured on EVERY season of Idol - Tina Turner's 'Proud Mary' and we could have held a quick poll to see what people thought she would sing and I guarantee this would have been one of the top contenders. It's a little obvious, is what I'm saying. She better sing it well - no screeching, missy. She has a very sassy attitude and her voice is impeccable during the slow start. She even does a little Tina dancing (kind of) and except for the last note, which actually ends up being about fifteen notes, she is just superb. Rock on, big mama.

Kyle calls it a big, gigantic start. He still wants her to keep twisting the performance switch in her and thought the beginning was a little stilted. Don't know what he was watching. Marcia gives her props for being first cab off the rank (it's still easy, Titsy Lottabreast) and tells her the most important thing to find in her performance is consistency. I think the most important thing is making it to the stage and not getting distracted by G's new haircut. Dicko tells her there's a lot of good will for her 'out there' and although she's young, she lights up with an audience and picks great songs for her. G puts his hand on her shoulder and she bravely refrains from falling into a girly, giggling mess - which is TOTALLY what I would do. Bad hair and he's STILL dreamy.

Mitchell Steele's hat could be used to hold a bar mitzvah under, it's ENORMOUS yo. He's never been around stage lights before because you can't see his eyes at all, tilt the hat back, love. Show us your eyes. He's singing Tom Cochrane's 'Life Is A Highway'! I recently iTunes'ed this song because I hadn't heard it in AGES. He's rejigged it. Either that or he's slightly out of time. He might be out of time. Oh. His inexperience is showing, look at the camera pet! He purses his lips, possibly in terror and then 'whoooooyeaaaah's shakily at us and ouch. It's a really stiff perf and we don't see his eyes once. Stupid hat. Where is Wes Carr, if he's wearing one of his silly hats, I'll scream.

Kyle and his pointy pointy hair love him, his eyebrows, the hat and wanted to go down that highway with him, but he was in a crappy Volvo - ha! Look, Kyle's being funny! He also tells him that he needs to be relaxed. Which he wasn't. Marcia says Mitchell is one of the most seasoned performers in the semi's - the hell? He is? Playing the guitar and crooning 'Desperado' to a herd of cattle, doesn't count Marcia, you know that, right? She tells him to smile and entertain the audience. Dicko says they need to see Good Him and that he needs to pick the right song for Good Him. Did Mitchell's Evil Twin Marshall perform tonight? He doesn't have a goatee, how are we meant to tell the good twin from the bad if he doesn't have a goatee? G saunters out and they banter about Mazda. It's cute, but is this how it's going to go? Mathieson in the contestant room with Norgs Chestabig and G on his little lonesome? I need my boys to banter, BANTER, DAMN IT.

London auditionee Jaden Dowd is warbling CC Peniston's 'Finally' which - doesn't this song immediately make everyone think of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert? And then doesn't everyone look at Jaden's makeup and outfit and think uncharitable thoughts? Her singing is mediocre and gets screechy at times because there is not a damn place in this song for you to be subtle. It's balls to the wall and no middle ground. Not a good choice, at all.

Kyle disses her one piece jumpsuit (and he's Priscilla-ing it, you just know it) but she shoots right back at him that jumpsuits are in. Are they? God. I despair, I do. He thinks she's a fine singer but that her perf was boring and not her. He basically calls her a scrag with a shit song. Ouch. And also, glass houses Kyle. Marcia reminds her that it's the first time Australia's seen her and no, it isn't Brown Sugar, the first time was when she was wearing that god awful Aust flag top, we remember! Marcia's throws some cliches at her about believing herself and it's good to have you back! Shut up, Marcia! Dicko feels responsible for Jaden being here and still thinks she's fabulous but he pulls out the old critique he once gave Chanel and tells her it was like a girl at the office pissup (although I believe Chanel got 'pissed secretary' or something similar). Jaden is TICKED OFF and even the delightful prospect of standing next to G doesn't cheer her up. Shame. G looks sad.

James and Funjugs do some promotion for Mazda and she can NOT read off a teleprompter OR wing it. Fired.

Frenchie Olly Corpe is not about pop and froth. Therefore he's singing fairly unknown poppy frothy James Morrison number, 'Wonderful World'. He doesn't start off great, he's a little scratchy sounding. He eventually hits his stride vocally but he avoids the camera like it's going to bite him and I'm getting a total Bobby Flynn thing from his performance aesthetic. He's a bit spazzy in front of the camera is what I'm saying. And that shit got old QUICKLY.

Kyle didn't care for the song but enjoyed watching him. Thanks Kyle. Marcia loves his smile - she's all about the smiles, tonight - and thinks he did a great job. Dicko likes his intensity but warns him against going too pop too soon. None of the judges critique his actual singing. Pay those people more! Fire Hooters and split her wage three ways between them!

Theatre Girl Nicole Banks wants to move away from being the Theatre Girl and is jazzing up Sam Sparro's 'Black and Gold' and this isn't the way to ditch Theatre Girl. She's totally cabaret'd it. That's not to say it's not good and isn't comfortable as HELL on stage and she doesn't sing it well, she does, I LOVE cabaret and I suspect I'd adore this chick in a production of Thoroughly Modern Millie. She struggles a little to hit some of the higher notes. And it's just such total cabaret. Vilkommen Theatre Girl!

Kyle - who I expected to leap over the table and smack her about the head with a copy of Broadway's Greatest Hits Volume Three; Barbra Streisand (which weighs approx 4.5 kilos but comes with a killer foreword from Every Queen Who Ever Loved Babs, Ever) - calls it quite nice, but could see that she was stressing and going back to 'Entertainer'. He means Theatre Girl. Marcia tells her she has a dynamite voice but that she shouldn't overthink or overact - and Marcia TOTALLY just flashed back to Chanel making out with a microphone stand singing 'Glory Box' and Marcia is in no way willing to accept any actual 'performing' on stage because although she originally loved Chanel, she HATED Chanel. No, just sing the song, thank God and Jesus and get off stage. Dicko wants her to stay true to her passion while reaching out to more accessible genres and thinks that was a very clever song to choose, allowing her to be contemporary whilst jazzing it up. G does her numbers and he looks lonely. He misses his Jimmy!

Wes Carr is wearing a silly hat. Bah. Foo Fighters. 'Times Like These'. Oh man. Wes, you had me at Dave Grohl. The Idol camera guy is either drunk or so thrown by the awesome rockiness of Wes that he forgets to hold on to the camera. Gorgeously paced, well sung (not brilliantly, but good enough) and JUST FUN. Oh, it's time for the first nickname of the comp and with the jesus hair and awesomeness, how can I go past The Messiah? It's blasphemous and appropriate all at the same time! I reserve the right to lose faith and denounce him for thirty pieces of silver.

Kyle is so smitten he's forgotten The Messiah's name. Just kneel and give thanks Kyle. Marcia blushes and simpers at him a bit before telling him he's solid. Dicko loves the beginning and his intensity and tells him he's a standout performer and he needs to take that mantle and run with it. He warns him not to plateau and calls him one of the best. And Wes is currently leading in the betting to take out this whole thing - but they had Matt Corby winning it all last season as well. Man, that still warms my heart.

Yay! Jimmy and G are on screen together again! Have they been crying backstage? Holding hands and promising to never be apart? It's SO cruel to separate them like that. They struggle to take their eyes off each other and it's just so Romeo and Juliet and Mammaries is the city of Verona. I mean, G isn't flirting with me at all and he's usually making goo goo eyes at me at the end of the show. I'm happy to share, James. Happy to share.

Best of the night, The Messiah, Nicole and Chrislyn, probably Wes and Chrislyn will go through. Special mention to Olly because he did okay and he's adorable.

Apologies for any typos or grammatical blergs - my usual resistance to the correct and proper use of the possessive apostrophe notwithstanding - but it's one am and I'm not editing this bitch, it's bed time.

TallulahBelle out.

No rest for the wicked.

100 contestants (or 103, as the show claims but I counted. I COUNTED. Did Mathieson lie to me? I can't live in a world where Mathieson LIES.) Three rounds. The Long Walk. All over in two hours? (And still no Holden!) They're not taking any prisoners this season, are they? Also, I stopped off at a 7-11 on the way home from rehearsals because I was a mite peckish and was everyone aware that there was such a thing as a double dipped Cherry Ripe? With TWO lots of dark chocolate? This day just gets awesomer and awesomer! (Except for the part where Lindsay gets totally gypped out of air time on tonight's show. That just sucked. For those interested, both he and other returning semi finalist Ben Worthington made it to The Long Walk where they were both given the heave ho.)

Round One

They start us off with some bullshit Mission Impossible style HD video Dicko-gram on the shore across from the Harbour Bridge as he lets them know they have to chose one of four songs overnight and perform with the houseband. James says they couldn't make it any easier. Oh yeah, learning a song overnight, getting very little sleep and trying desperately to perform it knowing that your potential future rests on it? Piece of fucking cake.

There are numerous performances - Madam Parker, who drove me INSANE with her original auditions, reins it back nicely and gives a surprisingly subtle performance; straight through to the final round. Wrestler David Wallis doesn't fare nearly so well, his voice warbling all over the place; a no from Kyle, a come back from Marcia and Dicko. He confesses to nerves, which also take down Luke West, Christopher Southall and Rebecca Simoni - two of whom we've never seen before or will see again, I suspect. Professional asshole Kyle brilliantly takes it upon himself to pick on AN 18 YEAR OLD GIRL who stayed up all night learning a song so she could dance to the motherfucking tune of the exec producers wishes. You know what? These are KIDS, most of whom have NO real life experience with gigging or audiences or this kind of performance anxiety and if you continue to allow them into the competition, you need to LAY THE FUCK OFF when they screw up and not make them cry. It only serves to make you look like an insensitive freaking bully. Again. Still. Continue. Rebecca slinks off stage in tears. Hope that was worth it, Kyle.

Many more horrid, nerve wrecked performances and big voiced Chrislyn Hamilton gets the smackdown for her outfit and needing more than a big, belty voice. Kyle lies his arse off and says he doesn't care if you're big or not. Somewhere Kate DeAraugo (you may - or may not - remember her as the winner of Season Three) thrusts her tuckshop lady arms in the air and deploys the middle finger of each hand in his general direction. Simon Phillips kicks out Michael Jackson's 'Beat It' and beats it straight through to the solos. A bunch of girls fail miserably at singing Duffy's 'Mercy'.

Funky hipster Casey Freeman - whose original audition was ace - crashes and burns with Carole King's 'Feel The Earth', her voice is a little more damaged sounding than husky at this point. Not enough sleep? Strong jawed Teale Jakubenko brings out his guitar to play with the band to James Morrison's 'You Give Me Something' and sounds okay but not brilliant. Let the guitar go and stand on your own, dude. Kyle and Dicko bitch at each other - Kyle wants him straight through, Dicko thinks it was too ordinary and he needs to come back and sing again. Kyle concedes to the Power Of Dicko. Brooke Schubert also brings her guitar out but uses it more effectively on Bonnie Raitt's countrylicious 'Something To Talk About' and that's more than four songs because someone sang a Beyonce number as well . . . it must have been four different songs for the girls and boys. She's deservedly put through to the solos, which is great but Kyle sings a few lines of the song, which is not.

More failures and Marcia giving a little pep talk to the remaining contestants (aww, remember when it used to be Holden who went out and did that?) Amanda Grafanakis jumps around and rawks more than she sings No Doubt's 'Just A Girl', for which she is BUSTED - second chance'd. Bespectacled redhead Robert Jeffrey does something bizarre to Elton John's 'Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me' and Kyle hilariously says he saw a 'Kenyon poo stance' at some point and it was too theatrical. It comes down to Brown Sugar who tells him he started at eleven, but they second chance him. Scottish lass Angela McComiskie who didn't have the greatest original audition sings the same song as Robert - now hang on. How many fucking songs did they give them? Could they sing each others songs if they wanted to? Oh show, how you confuse me. She's still not wowing me but they give her a second chance as well. They seem to not be getting rid of many. Sigh.

The fabulous Wes Carr is nervous as all fuck as he busts out 'Come Together' by The Beatles. He's awesome, I LOVE him so very much. I'm even starting to love his silly hats. Roshani Priddis kicks the hell out of 'Mercy' and Sophie Paterson also chose wisely with 'Come Together'; they are both straight through to the solos.

Round Two

Line of ten perfs - Jonny Taylor grunges up Michael Jackson's 'Dirty Diana'. Nicole Banks hits all the right notes singing Amy Winehouse number 'Valerie'. They go through to the solos along with Robert Jeffrey, Brooke Addamo, Matt Parsons, Amanda Grafanakis and 16 year old Tom Williams whose pitch was all over the shop. Casey Freeman still didn't get enough sleep and sounds funky still. They send her back to Nowhere Creek. Teale Jakubenko needs to stop trying the falsetto. Are you listening to me, young man?? Quit it. He's through and we're done and that was quick . . .

Round Three

Solos. For which they've packed the Sydney Theatre with punters who thought they were just there to see a taped presentation of Idol 08 - what exactly would that have entailed anyway? Video of Ricki Lee as she TAKES OVER THE SHOW? The 54 remaining contestants are very very happy to see them but for some, this must be a new and scary prospect . . .

First up is Current Fav Wes Carr, who continues his impeccable song choice by doing The Killers "Mr Brightside". He's slightly wobbly around the vocals and is still wearing a silly hat but I love him nonetheless (and with Lindsay gone, my haircut needs turn to Wes and his Jesus hair . . . ) Boyband escapee Thanh Bui screeches a lot, Natalie Colavito busts out some big notes, James Spargo - not so much, he sounds quite weak doing Robbie Williams' 'Angels' but Chrislyn Hamilton throws her mike to the ground and sings the HELL out of Janis Joplin's 'Piece Of My Heart'.

The Long Walk

And all of a sudden we're done and on to the entirely unstaged segment showing the judges arguing over the Top 24. For the third year in a row, let's say goodbye to those who didn't make it (bye guys) and lets just get to the Top 24.

Natalie Colavito, who has made it this far before and has just a great freaking attitude about the crap she's going to catch about being a 'big' lady, sang Aretha's 'Natural Woman' for her solo and sounds great - you can see she's not just singing this, she understands the lyric (although I stand by my call that Shaneequa sings this song the best - outside of Aretha herself - she made me cry the first time I heard it. In a good way.) Natalie is through. Excellent. She bursts into happy tears. I may tear up a little too. I can't help it, it's late, I'm tired, it's emotional and she's kind of awesome.

Meh. James Spargo is a lovely guy with a decent voice but really? He's through? His 'Angels' did not sound great guys, it sounded very Christmas Carols. Very 'proper' and not that interesting. They see something I'm not, obviously. (I will give him this, his delight is delightful.)

I'm also kind of surprised that youngster Tom Williams is through, he's not had the greatest run up to this point and really REALLY comes across as so young. His pitch problems are concerning, but the other sixteen year olds went APE for him during his solo of Ronan Keating's 'When You Say Nothing At All'. They even bring up his pitch problems - and look he's adorable but haven't we been through this before? With Matt Corby and Dean Geyer? The young ones don't win. Otherwise Moppet would have won. If I'd have any say in the matter, anyway.

Madam Parker warbles a song I'm not familiar with - she sings it well and do we even need to bother with this? She's so very through, she's this years Single Mum RnB Singer and I really hope she throws off that cliche and becomes more because she's already shown she has more musical depth than that. Don't be Emily, don't be Emily. Dicko freaking LOVES her and thinks she has one of the best soul voices they've ever had.

Wes Carr and his Jesus hair are ready for this, man. And they're both totally through. Of course, we knew that with his first perf of 'All Along The Watchtower', guys. As is Jonny Taylor after his rather good solo perf of The Screaming Jets 'Shiver'.

James Sidebottom gave a great rendition of 'Diamonds On The Soles Of Her Shoes' by Paul Simon and gives a really honest answer when asked if he wants to win when he confesses that he's not sure. The judges lose their MINDS that someone might dare to have changed their minds - Dicko's dummy spit is kind of hilarious - especially when they WERE going to put him through. Is it because James didn't give them the right answer that they put shearer Luke Dickens through? His solo of Billy Joel's 'The Pianoman' sounds like Billy Joel, just like his Joe Cocker sounded like Joe Cocker. He needs to try and sing something soft, let us see if he can sing something different. He's crazy laconic still and his face twitches slightly in surprise when Dicko tells him he's in, which I think might be the equivalent of a shrieking girly fit for him. I kinda like him, but I don't know why yet.

In quick succession - Brooke Addamo, Matt Parsons, Amanda Grafanakis, Sophie Paterson are all shunted through. Jaden Dowd also makes it through (and Lindsay whispered in my ear that one of the British chicks had to use her MP3 player to get pitch during the line of ten and my money is on Jaden, as Sophie went didn't do the LoT and went straight to solos . . . )

One of my favourite girls from the original auditions is theatre chick Nicole Banks whose solo was Jewel's 'Who Will Save Your Soul' and one of her friends outed her on the theatrepeople website as being through to the Top 24 so I haven't been worried about her tonight at all. She's lovely and I look forward to seeing her do a full number.

Teale Jakubenko's lovely jawline is through (making Fosse happy - only making me so, if he leaves The Falsetto ALONE.) Thanh Bui boyband oversang the John Farnham version of 'Help Me If You Can' and he's another one who needs to rein it in when he gets to the semi's.

Pop cowboy Mitchell Steele sang something that sounded a little like Bette Midler's 'Wind Beneath My Wings'. I'm almost positive it wasn't that though . . . but as every season must a rock chick have (that would be Amanda this season) we also need to have someone who hits the country demographic and Mitchell is it.

Adorable munchkin Roshani Priddis sang Joe Cocker's 'Unchain My Heart' and they show the back up singers for the first time and holy crap, one of them is Australian Idol Vocal Coach Erana Clark! I can't see who the guy is. Roshani kind of oversings but is good enough to still get through. And cute as a freaking button. She also confesses her vocals weren't great when she sang her solo so I love her to pieces for that. Modesty rocks!

The last two girls standing are the incredibly awesome Chrislyn Hamilton (the aforementioned rocking rendition of Joplin's 'Piece Of My Heart') and the incredibly not as awesome Angela McComiskie (Abba's 'Dancing Queen' - a bit wobbly, frankly). This is a no brainer right? I know Angela is older and has more experienced, but Chrislyn has shown a performance maturity that blows most of the other contestants out of the water. They are both crying and show, this is just so cruel, don't drag this out. Chrislyn has a far superior voice. Dicko bollocks about to build dramatic tension and Angela's hopes horribly. They make the right decision and put through the better voice but poor Angela, that's horrid. You bastards.

'Dream Catch Me' starts playing over a montage of the succesful and I feel like we're going to hear this song a whole heap this season. This year we're not going boy/girl in the semi's - we're bck to mixed votes - thanks god. First up they've put my two faves Wes and Nicole on the same night, along with cowboy Mitchell, LondonAussie Jaden, Frenchie Olly Corpe (who was nowhere to be seen in tonight's show) and our last girl through, Chrislyn. You can find the Idol Semi Finalists in total here - happily, most of them are familiar faces who were highlighted during the audition shows, if not this one.

TallulahBelle out.

Sydney, part the first and second.

Okay, Sydney. This bastard is two hours of pointless auditions, time filling bollocks and more whatserface Coulter than the Geneva Convention allows for. I've just had a massage and can already feel the tension creeping back into my shoulders as I sit down to watch two hours of taped Idol so lets not waste any time, let's just do this and get it over with; remote control and fast forward button at the ready, skip the dross - and oh my god, was there a LOT of dross over the Thurs and Fri shows.

Part the first.

It's raining, raining, raining (men) the day of the Sydney audition as Marcia and Dicko await Kyle's appearance for panel. I start humming Incy Wincy Spider under my breath as Dicko gets the message that Kyle is too sick to front (this is also the same time that he was too sick to host Big Brother and Mike Goldman took over and showed Kyle how hosting should be done. Thanks for killing BB off for us, Kyle and Jackie O - you showkillers, you. Any chance you could take over Dancing With The Stars for a season? That would be ace, thanks!) and indeed, the rain has washed old Kyle right out. Dicko barely restrains himself from an evil genius laugh as he confesses to Marcia that his master plan is to get rid of them both and be the last man standing. I'd be totally cool with that. My name is TallulahBelle and I approve this message.

20 year old beauty Roshani Priddis has a great voice but is totally rocking Callea Orchestral Conductor Hand; that is, as she sings one of her hands indicates to you how high the note will be that she's about to sing, the hand goes up, the hand goes down. It's freaking annoying to watch once you get to the Top Twelve and they give you a full camera body shot of the contestant and all you can see is the conducting - Anthony Callea was the worst culprit, but I am pleased to say when I saw Wicked just over a week ago, he didn't conduct ONCE as Boq. He did attempt to trill though. Bad Callea. Fosse wants to adopt Roshani and have her sing to him daily, but Callea-isms drive him fucking nuts and tying her arms to a chair whilst she sings would be just cruel.

During the crowd scenes, some chick sings 'Forgetful Lucy' from 50 First Dates. It's very cute. Mathieson dances as she sings. Heeeeee. And famewhore Nancy Lovato is just there to get her mug and wobble board on the teev but she's having so much fun with Dicko and James that I forgive her. They show us whatserface meeting Her Biggest Fan and they sing together for what feels like about an hour. This show is not about you Ricki Lee. Fuck. Off. Fosse cringes as I screech at the tv and for the first time this season - but not the last - he sighs and reminds me that a) they can't hear me, that b) they filmed this weeks and weeks ago and that c) I'm insane and he wants a gay man/straight woman divorce (this is more commonly known as a 'Will and Grace'.)

Matt Parsons (17) is rocking a full on John Butler voice and look. Fosse worships at his feet. I'm not as convinced but his didgeridoo playing and subsequent renditions of both Goo Goo Dolls and Michael Buble songs are great intepretations and he doesn't sound like John Rzeznik or Buble. He's won me over completely and gets a standing ovation from Dicko. Fosse makes a HUGE call. If Matt makes the Top 12, he'll be his favourite. Make a note, I'm totally holding him to that.

Fosse fast forwards through Ricki Lee's indulgent bullshit faux audition but I make him play the tape so at the end I can hear Mathieson bust her for losing Idol. Again. Bless you, James . . .

Top 100 returnee Natalie Colavito (21) tells us she's conquered the nerves that kept her from making the semi's in the previous year and she's ready for this now, thanks very much. She starts off singing low and soars into some very big notes at which point Dicko asks her if she's just going to do songs 'like that' - he wants to see her connect with simple lyrics. Marcia thinks she uses her voice as a weapon and wants her to try and like herself and damn, but I'm actually appreciating Brown Sugar a bit this season. She has taken the hint from the ditching of Holden - and yes, there's no Holden this episode either, I'm totally starting to believe that he won't make an appearance at ALL - that she needs to step up and actually constructively judge this season.

28 year old Simon Phillips and his eyebrows are giving me a total Marty Simpson vibe. He's all about passion and blah blah and sings a song he says is about Martin Luther King but which actually seems to be about Rosa Parks. He has a nice voice but I hate his song. It's self indulgent touchy feely twaddle. Dicko loves him and his original. Yeah, Dicko loved Marty Simpson too. Much as I love him, the man ain't right all the time (just most.) He's through and I pray that he doesn't go the way of Marty. He does have a better voice, so there's that at least.

And the audition I've been waiting for since they showed a snippet of it the very first show is from 25 year old Wes Carr who sings 'All Along The Watchtower, who he namechecks to Jimi Hendrix. Fair enough, but he's totally doing the Dylan version - he's reintepreted it AWESOMELY but it's still based on the Dylan version. I hate his hair but man alive, his voice and style is ROCKIN'. Dicko thinks he's the best thing to audition for Idol ever and gives him a manly hug. Awwwww. Marcia reminds him he can't use his guitar on the show and we'll see about that, I bet they totally get to use instruments again this year. I'm going to be singing this song to myself all day now, it's exactly what happened after the season 3 finale of Battlestar Galactica when they used that song there too. Love him.

Part the second.

Day two and first cab off the rank is really really ocker shearer Luke Dickens (25) who is laconic to the point of comatose. He sings Joe Cocker's 'The Letter' just like Joe Cocker, only without the strange arm thing he does. He's really quite shouty and I don't think he's that great at all. Marcia thinks though that it would be nice to have someone in the competition who represents the country and is she forgetting cowboy Mitchell Steele from the QLD auditions? Who also had a better voice? He's through anyway.

Mathieson dubs Robert Jeffrey the Terracotta Harry Potter - and again, bless you Mathieson. The 18 year old is another contestant we've seen already in the Can You Feel It ad so we know he gets through. He turns quite scarlett as he belts out Thirsty Merc's 'Twenty Good Reasons'. I have to dye my hair a similar shade of red next Friday for the play I've got opening in a few weeks so I feel a kinship with him.

They briefly show us the lovely voices of 17 year old's Nicolle Viegas and Seth Drury but it's blink and you'll miss them time again. Instead we get to spend what feels like most of the show with young, single mum Madam Parker who is Emily Williams II; The Second Coming, Electric Boogaloo. (Actually, she might be the third or fourth clone of Emily Williams we've had since Emily . . . ) Ugh, she's singing the horrid Alica Keyes number 'No One' - honestly, a more whinging song I have not heard in recent times, I hate it. She's very very RnB. I don't love her at all. Dicko thinks she's terrific, as does Marcia, but they need to build some dramatic tension or some such shit and put her in the 'maybe' pile and make her sing again later in the show. Twice - we need to see her twice? You barely showcase some singers at ALL but we have to see this one twice? Fuck off, show. Bad form.

16 year old Olly Corpe is French but has lost an astounding amount of his accent for someone who has been in Aus for only four years. He sings nicely but not brilliantly. I think that may be poor song choice because he has a good voice. Dicko calls him sweet, Marcia comfortable and they put him through. He cries a little. He's SO European.

Thankfully this show there's been way less Ricki Lee. And less Kyle. And still no Holden. Woo! And a quick crowd shot of Ben McKenzie from last season! Moppet!!!!!! We misssss you . . .

The guy from Williamstown Musical Theatre Society's production of The Wedding Singer (he played the Adam Sandler role, Fosse saw it and thought he was great) Turanga Merito (23) sings the same song as Terracotta Harry Potter. His voice cracks a little but it's still quite good. He goes through but Fosse informs me he's in the professional touring version of High School Musical (. . . there's such a thing? Good god.) so he can't make the semi's, can he? We shall see.

19 year old Dylan Jaeger is a prettier woman than I am. That is just so wrong. But I sing better than he does, so we'll call that a draw.

The Maybe's come back for their second try and ye gods, Madam will just about stomp on my very last nerve, I can already tell. She unhinges her jaw and caterwauls exactly like EmilyTheColdlyAnointedOne used to and I'm over her already. Fosse loves her and thinks I'm a bitter, nasty hater and just because I disliked Emily, I shouldn't automatically dislike Madam. I shoot back that it's their style of singing I find completely and utterly objectionable, thank you very much and then we argue like an old married couple for twenty minutes about it. (I win. Don't believe a word he says, I totally win.) Madam gets through and the two other Maybe girls who sang sounded much better and heaps less shrieky than her don't, and I'm resigned to seeing her make the semi's. Gah.

18 in total make it through from Sydney. So lets see, we got 34 from Melb, 18 from Perth, 18 from Brisbane, 6 from Adelaide, 6 from London and 18 from Sydney. That's exactly one hundred singers. The Top 100 is finally a true Top 100! It's a little crazy that I'm SO very excited about that, right? Man, I need a new hobby.

See you Sunday night for the Actually Truly For Real Guys, Top 100.

TallulahBelle out

Sign here, thanks.

Idol's international, baby!

But first the Barossa Valley where we're getting drunk on glasses of pinot, sauvignon blanc and cab merlot. Allllll mixed together in the one barrel! Yummy! Whoo hoo! We're toasted, man! And still the show makes more sense sans Holden! Yeah! (Also, celemotherfuckingbrate the lack of whatserface Coulter on tonight's show. It's The Awesome. Actually, The Awesome comes later in the show in the form of a teeny, tiny exYoung Talent Time star and the gay guy from Savage Garden and his new excellent haircut.)

Jaunty behatted triple threat Joseph Giardina (21) is trying to circumvent The Ground Rules. I have no time for you, sir. No time. Away with you.

Can You Feel It ad cutie, 16 year old Tom Williams is another kid who has been waiting to audition for four years - you are making me feel so very very old, show. It doesn't help that he looks about 12. An adorable 12 but still 12. He sings 'Waiting On The World To Change', the very song that Dean Geyer sang when he was in the final three with Jess Mauboy and Damien Leith and the song that made Mark Holden look down the camera and demand that Sir Des let him record it as a single because it would be a massive hit. God, I do NOT miss you Mark. Tom sings this about a BILLION times better and I can't say it enough, he is freaking aDORable. He's reminding me of last season's Ben McKenzie - but more commercial. The judges could not love him more and send him to Sydney - is his mum or dad going to chaperone?

Sidebar : G's hair is looking better tonight, it's ruffled and not so . . . merchant banker. Can I blame his wife? Excellent.

G and Mathieson drink some more. Lots and lots and lots. It won't make some of these singers sound any better boys, there isn't enough alcohol in the world.

They waste an ASTOUNDING amount of time with 23 year old James Butto who doesn't get a single one of the jokes that Dicko, Kyle and Marcia make at his expense. He massacres Robbie Williams, then the Bangles (causing Dicko to CRY with laughter) and then a little Leonard Cohen. Oh sweet jesus. Marcia honks and snorts and Kyle makes Shrek jokes. Make him LEAVE. 'Over The Rainbow'? Get the fuck off my screen, dude. OFF.

(Seriously, the drumming Cadbury gorilla has not worn out its welcome yet and I've seen that ad about twenty times in the last couple of days. Hilarious.)

16 year old Jessica Vogel is a performing arts student whose singing verges on the shouty just a little bit too much. She's projecting. There's no one sitting in the gods, darl. The judges are right there. Pull back and you've got a good voice. Oh, but there are too many sixteen year olds in the Top 100. Sigh.

20 year old Jess Griffin did this two years ago in the semi finals of the Season Of Irish :

"Spunky Jess Griffin has made a terrible error in judgement. She's singing Christina Aguilera's song Fighter. This is such a balls to the wall song and I firmly believe that Xtina's the only one who can sing it with any conviction. Jess starts out off the beat annnnnnnnnd stays there. She is obviously flustered that she fucked up so quickly that she gets pitchy and breathy and looks like she's going to burst into tears. It's an absolute mess, this is such a shame because every other time we've seen Jess, she has exuded confidence and charisma. I want to look away when she kind of taps herself on the forehead as if to say 'stupid' three quarters of the way through the song. She's right though. Stupid. Marcia and Jess "woahhhh" at each other and agree that "that was a hard one". Jess sighs that she lost control and Marcia actually critiques someone - "you were ahead of the band, behind the band, you didn't trust them and you let yourself down". That's the Marcia equivalent of beating your adopted daughter whilst screaming "no wire hangers" . . . (only Joan Crawford fans will get that one . . . ) Mark "oh Jess"s for about thirty seconds while she practically begs for his forgiveness, he notes that she can't let nerves get to her like that because she'll crash and burn (gee, you think??) but he still 'digs' her. Mark, can you 'dig' her out of the grave she just dug herself? Huh? Little help? Kyle says it was a joke and disastrous and he doesn't want to go on about it but he kind of does a little. G asks her that if she still worked in a pizza shop, what kind of pizza would that be? She stumbles on the answer but finally comes out with a gour-mess. I applaud her chutzpah but don't think she's a real contender to get in the Top 12 or even Wildcard."

(don't you just not miss Holden at all!) I was right, she didn't make Wildcard and this is the first time we've seen her since that fateful, painful performance. She's glammed herself up and has taken the Xtina thing a step further by getting those great pink highlights that start at the bottom of your hair and go up. She gets really breathy and loses it halfway through (sounds familiar . . . ) and barely gets a yes from Kyle. Marcia tells her she lacks focus and that she's bullshitting and she really hurt her feelings last time (the fuck?) and then HOLD THE FUCK ON TO YOUR SEATS GUYS, MARCIA SAYS NO. Marcia. Mother Marcia, Brown Sugar herself, says no after Kyle said yes. She has gotten tough this season, hasn't she? Wow. Dicko calls her a con artist but puts her through.

30 year old James Spargo sings Michael Buble's 'Home' and it's a good impersonation of Buble (which, lets face it, worked wonders for HotCarl last season) but it's not a great voice, it's just okay. Maybe when he sings something else, he'll rock it. In the mildest possible manner, of course. He gets through because Dicko is fully aware that Ladies Of A Certain Age *ahem* love that shit. I think he's referring to those of us who got HotCarl to final three and helped Irish win. We're not easy, Dicko. Don't be giving our love away for free. Boy has to EARN it.

Six are through in total from Barossa (and we got to see FOUR of them!) and then it's time for London. Accents! Big Ben! Crown jewels! Fosse's husband Darren Hayes is helping out, as are the scarily thin arms of Tina Arena (and the rest of her as well). But before we get to the auditions, Mathieson needs to remind us who they both are - you don't really James, we kind of already know - so we get a potted history of their musical JOURNEY!'s - and let's be frank, these two are so much more qualified to do this job than Kyle and even, dare I say, my dearest Dicko. But I wouldn't swap Dicko for anyone, so let's ditch Marcia instead.

Kate James (25) caterwauls Tina's own 'Chains' at her. No free ticket back to Aus for you, dear. Tina refers to herself in the third person and Darren about wets himself with glee.

The English think Australian's are loud, incoherent, alcoholics - and the auditions they show would appear to sustain that theory. The West end inspires too too many people to badly sing showtunes but does segue nicely into Darren and Tina briefly trilling at us and three seconds of their voices has outshined every single person who has auditioned over the last four nights.

Really cute Scott McLintock (27) lost his mum recently and it shows when he sings The Verve's 'The Drugs Don't Work', especially when he hits the line "and I know I'll see your face again". God, his eyes are so sad, he's killing me. Tina looks on the verge of tears as she rests her head in her hand, entranced by Scott's performance. Dicko starts to tell him to work on his big notes because "big notes win votes" and Tina immediately disses the hell out of stupid big notes, saying she's "over it" and that even she has pulled back and made her music more subtle. Then Darren name drops the biggest rock softie of them all, Bono and tells Scott to keep singing from the heart. They "hell, yes" him and he catapults to the top of my current favourite's list.

20 year old Jaden Dowd wears an Australian flag tshirt she made in the ninth grade. Dude, I don't fit into anything I owned in the ninth grade. Maybe some of my shoes. She sings Buble's 'Night and Day' and it's good - as Tina notes, she has a lovely smoky quality to her voice. Dicko picks on her clothes and the gay guy in the room (theirs, not mine, Fosse isn't home) is horrified and tells him he's cruel. Heeee. Clothes notwithstanding, she's through.

Montage of judges being silly and funny and MAN, it's going to be hard to go back to Kyle and Marcia. Tina does a Paula Abdul impersonation and I think Darren is doing Zoolander . . . I don't know, it's funny though.

Professional tourist spook, 26 year old Scott Herdman wears a silly hat and sings okay, but not brilliantly. Dicko and Tina 'no' him. Darren BRILLIANTLY tells him it's a "get-some-singing-lessons-no". God love you, Hayes. The judges are making fantastic critical sense and I'm giddy with excitement about it. Then Darren and Tina bust a whole bunch of people for mimicking, rather than singing and Tina tells one girl to broaden her musical references. I fucking love them both. Can we keep them? PLEASE? I'm so starting a petition.

(Darren bellows 'NEXT' and cracks Tina up.)

24 year old Sigrid Moar sings but she's there and gone so damn quickly that I barely have time to note her name before she's given three yes'es and a ticket to Sydney. Blink and you may have missed her.

Blonde cutie Sophie Paterson (22) has been in England long enough to have herself a little British accent - and actually, that's something, were only Aus citizens allowed to audition? Because Irish wasn't an Aus citizen when he won, so could anyone in the UK have auditioned? Tell us, show! Sophie sings a nice original number and has a lovely mournful quality to her voice. It trembles slightly - in a good way. She transfixes Dicko who loves her unique voice; Darren loves her original song; and Tina surreptitiously notes her mobile number so she can get some new stuff for her next album once the show is over. The judges give her a standing ovation. Sydney, here Sophie comes!

Six singers make it through from London. I gotta say, although Sophie and Scott were wonderful - six? Was it really worth the plane tickets for Dicko and the crew? Although yes, Mathieson sat on a double decker bus with auditionees, singing Khe Sanh . . . so maybe. And we actually saw five of those singers - I wonder who the sixth was.

Tomorrow and Friday we swoosh back to Sydney and a shaggy haired gentleman who is awesomely going to sing Bob Dylan's 'All Along The Watchtower'. Yet another song I never dreamed I'd see/hear performed on this show. I like it.

TallulahBelle out

Queensland. Bring out your insane.

There are many MANY things about Queensland that qualify as 'normal';

Authors David Malouf and Nick Earls are from Brisbane. They have both been seen in the same room at the same time. Utterly normal.

Actors Barry and Miranda Otto were both born there. Obviously at different times as Barry is Miranda's dad. No time travel involved, no weird space time contiuum freakishness happening there, just basic biology. Completely normal.

Winton in Queensland is known for having the worlds best collection of dinosaur tracks. Not remotely strange. That's SCIENCE, you don't get more normal than a bunch of paleontologists agreeing that Winton rulz, otherwise Ross on Friends wouldn't have been a paleontologist (and Ross was the really normal one.)

Granted, it gets rather humid up there and I'm not a huge fan of the sun, but I have been led to believe that my dislike of the sun is in fact the not normal part, and the sun itself is completely meteorologically apt and normal.

My good friends Bodie and Freya live in various parts of Queensland. They're substantially normal. Although I did hear that Freya's son had sprouted another foot. I'm almost certain she means upwards though and not that she needs to buy one and a half pairs of shoes these days. Still. He could have eight feet, two heads, only breath in time to the tune of Mozart's Seventh Concerto, consume nothing else but green beans cooked on Tuesdays and shoot fiery sparks from his nostrils when he sneezes and he'd STILL be more normal than the freaks who came out of the woodwork for tonight's episode of Idol. Most of whom we will be ignoring because of The Ground Rules. (Although one or two may have slipped through. I'm not made of granite, people. Sometimes you just HAVE to point and laugh.)

There was too much whatserface Coulter (and when did she become an International Superstar?) tonight but this was luckily counterweighed by the third consecutive night of a total lack of Holden.

Beau Mossop (25) sings AC/DC more badly than it is usually done. Who'd have known that was even possible? Bon Scott, all is forgiven. (Also, I'm really into Back In Black at the moment. Blame Jensen Ackles and Supernatural and the first time you see the Metallicar tooling down the highway in the first episode. Mmmmm Jensen . . . ) Beau pretty much sings the whole damn thing and . . . yay for your level of enthusiasm sir, but they've pulled your leg letting you even get this far. Which was very mean of them and we'll be talking about that when we get to another contestant very very soon.

Kiss impersonator. Dude, we already have Lindsay West, we have fulfilled our quota of glam rock tribute guys, thanks for playing.

Oh. The really sad and annoying story of Aicha Robinson (16. Yeah, it's AWESOME to mock and humilate the young.) Now, Aicha does not sing her song well at all. She pummels it around the head and beats it into a bloody submission. Marcia chastises her for her vulgar performance and Aicha's heart breaks into a billion pieces - because see, Aicha hasn't just performed this song once, she's performed it several times. To the original audition panel, to the producers, to everyone who decides that a vulnerable sixteen year old girl who can't really sing, should be allowed nonetheless to be put in front of a panel who will turn on her in a heartbeat if she shows the slightest vulnerabilites. Yes, yes, it's all very well and good to say she knew what she was getting into. But did she? Or was she given just enough encouragement by all those people she saw before the judges to think she legitimately had a chance? And right there is one of my pet peeves about this show (of which there are many and they are legend). I don't give a fuck if you humiliate the hell out of the famewhores in their pirate costumes and their 'funny' antics but the people who actually think they can sing but obviously can't? Please spare us those people. I'd rather watch an entire show of famewhores than see one more deluded soul bursting into angry tears because they got a little homespun truth from the panel. Especially when it then degrades into Aicha comparing her embarrassment here to the Iraq war.

Let's get on to some actual singers, shall we?

22 year old Teale Jakubenko's jawline and eyes immediately pique Fosse's interest (and also Dicko and Kyle's, who know the gay men - Fosse nods affirmative - and the confused middle aged ones as well - will be All About Him. Not to mention some of the ladies. He's quite lovely.) He sings rather well, if a bit quavery - lets call it nerves, shall we? I'm feeling generous.

Chick dressed up as an egg singing a song about pussy. Really, Brisbane?

Chrislyn Hamilton (17) is the one person who I've paused to listen to everytime they play that Can You Feel It ad. She sounds amazing in that ad but I've held back on besottedness until this point. She's not a small girl. She's large, she's zaftig and Dicko has visions of PoorPoorCasey dancing through his head so he needs to know if she's happy as she is. Dude, she's 17, NO ONE is happy with themselves at 17. She answers his question by giving them an Aretha Franklin number. Smart girl, remind them that you don't have to be size ten to blow the roof off the joint. Her voice is good, really good. The girls are looking fabulous this season. I'm not besotted yet . . . but she has major potential.

22 year old model/actress Vaughn Newman totally thinks she has this in the bag. Now, she doesn't have a bad voice per se, but it's unremarkable and limited. Dicko harshly tells her it was rubbish and they get all ghetto with each other until it comes crashing down on Vaughn that he's serious and she bursts into tears and calls Marcia 'honey'. Which awesomely leads to Kyle asking to call Marcia 'Brown Sugar'. That is so her new nickname this season.

Kyla Vanzetta (16) has wanted to audition since she was 11. They think she has the look. She certainly has a few different looks going on; beehive, late 80's eye liner, knee socks. Luckily her voice is pretty sharp and she gives Brown Sugar a 'moment'. Dicko calls her 'dollface', he's SO Guys and Dolls . . .

Sidebar: The new 90210 credits better have SOMEONE mock punching someone in the jaw twice in succession when the music calls it for it, just like Dylan and Jason used to and there better be a 35 year old playing a 17 year old or it just won't be the same.

Third time is hopefully a charm for serial auditioner and familiar Top 100 face, Irae Schwenke (21). He's doing this for his son, which is lovely but . . . wrong. He has a great gospel voice but we've had a multitude of gospel singers go through this competition and only one has ever come close to winning - Guy Sebastian, of course - and Australia doesn't really have the music industry to support a plethora of gospel singers. Which is why the other gospel singers from this comp have disappeared or joined the Young Diva's.

21 year old Brooke Schubert sings 'Songbird' a little too nicely, which - again - didn't know you could do that with this song. She also goes off pitch a wee bit but that might just be nerves because she has a fine tone otherwise. She has that light and shade thing that Brown Sugar is always harping on about. See her in Sydney.

Cowboy up! Klancie Keogh from Season Four has sent us a couple of friends. First up is 16 year old Mitchell Steele. Dicko likes the 'idea' of him - a pop sensibility with country style - but doesn't think his voice is ready yet. Kyle disses his 'brows. They are significant. He brings in his brother 27 year old Dallas Steele (and man, that's a country 'n western name if I ever heard one) who has a serious country voice. It's got that whole american twang going that Nashville creams itself over. The judges won't have a bar of it. There is no room for country proper in this show, sir. Only faux country. Mitchell is in, Dallas is out.

Crazypants Remy Wuromus (28) finds it hard to audition in front of the judges. Also, she has her perio-you know . . . we don't need to know.

The adorable Drew Crump (23) helps me shake off that performance of 'God Only Knows' that Brianna Carpenter did last season. His voice is lovely and soaringly sweet. I'm in love. He's awesome. He's also humble and self effacing to the point where Dicko has to tell him he's better than he thinks. He's in. He is also, unsurprisingly, The Last Person To Audition Who Totally Gets Through Completely And Utterly Unexpectedly.

So. Singers. Check. Weirdo's. Check. Queensland done with 18 through to Sydney. Check. Done. On to Old Blighty and Adelaide.

TallulahBelle out

Next.

Gah. I have BOLTED home from rehearsals, washed the blueberry stains from my face ( . . . it's a . . . long story), changed into my pj's and climbed into bed with my laptop and my second favourite battery driven bedroom device, my remote control. (My first favourite battery driven bedroom device is a Tardis money box. Yes, I am absolutely that sad. It has The Doctor and Martha pictured inside the door and when you put money in, it makes the whooshing Tardis noise and then The Doctor speaks. I tend to giggle uncontrollably when it does that. God. Why don't I have a boyfriend again??)*

*Okay, maybe I'm lying about my favourite battery driven bedroom device but my MOTHER reads this blog. Hola Mamma! I'm still a virgin! It's all Q's fault! She made me get one! Quickly move on to the next paragraph and we'll never speak of this again! See you at Christmas!

As we back the hell away from Too Much Information Land, let me further note before we get into this; it is 23.48 (I like military time), I'm ready to press play, I'm a year older than I was last night when I wrote the first ep of Season Six and my face is itchy and needs moisturiser. It's time for my old home town of Perth to take centre stage and I'd like to take this moment to also add; episode two and STILL NO HOLDEN. This continues to make me happy.

Oh. And remember the Ground Rules. No famewhores. Let us begin.

Hello sandy beaches, glistening ocean, lovely sunsets and Mathieson rubbing in the knowledge that despite Cosima and two of the Murphy brothers, Perth hasn't ponied up with a winner yet. I'd like to point out James, that the last two years in a row Perth has given you that guy who dresses up as a green dinosaur and dances, which equals roughly twenty total minutes of audition show, so don't tell them they've given you NOTHING. But if he appears today I will be ignoring his sweaty, costumed arse. And the kid dressed as Scooby Doo. Avert your eyes!!

Oooh, taped Idol means I can fast forward through the shite. Excellent. Straight on to 23 year old bipolar sufferer Bianca Long who impresses Kyle with her eyes. Her unique voice and Nina Simone song choice intrigues Marcia - who then jumps straight into Mother Marcia mode by reminding Bianca that the world of Idol is a tough one (especially for women. Ask PoorPoorCasey, ask TeamKate, ask The Gauc. If you can FIND THEM.) surrounded as it is by hateful faceless bloggers (!) and that it might be especially tough for someone with bipolar. Bianca seems to have a pretty good attitude about the whole thing and the boys give her a big yes.

Sidebar: The new Cadbury ad featuring the gorilla drumming to Phil Collins 'In The Air Tonight' is fricking GOLD.

Thank you show for wasting TWO MINUTES AND TWENTY NINE SECONDS on Andrew Youel and his Jane Austen DVD collection. The BARELY TWENTY SECONDS you then spent showing us quirky songstress 17 year old Brooke Wilkie and her lovely sounding voice was too much really. No, you're right, it WOULD be crazy to actually give us some background on her and the multitude of people she had with her, she can only sing and play the guitar, screw that, we don't need to know who she is yet, I'm sure you'll give her adequate coverage once we get to the Seymour Centre so yeah! Bring back Andrew, I miss him!

Idiots.

Bewhiskered builder Jonny Taylor (22) sings on scaffolding at his worksite - does that qualify as WorkSafe? - and tells us he's going to sing a song that's about his deceased uncle whose spirit he 'felt' after he had a motorcycle crash . . . huh? No, actually, stick with this, it's not bad or as weird as it sounds. The song is okay, the voice is better; it's dark and strangely calming. A teensy little bit Nickelback but not enough to annoy - Jonny makes it through. Nicely different. Excellent. Like him.

Wee Scottish lass Angela McComiskie (29) has chosen the worst possible song to audition with, it's shouty and doesn't highlight her voice At All. Kyle tells her flat out it was theatrical, which - we are painfully aware - he HATES. Dicko knows it's StoryTime On Idol (the producers slipped him a note) so asks for her whole life freaking story and then Builds The Drama in a completely legitimate way and tells her to take ten minutes and chose a song - and this is not at all because they're paying whatserface Coulter good money and they need to show her doing SOMETHING at some point during the show. No. That would be cynical of us to assume and we're better than that. She comes back and bursts out with 'What A Feeling' from Flashdance and incredibly unfortunately for all concerned, a fat guy in a leotard does NOT start dancing for his life behind her. It comes down to Dicko who is going to put her through the wringer before he puts her through to Sydney - oh for crying out loud, get on with it guys. Do we need this much time on Angela? She seems lovely and has a nice enough voice but she is not going to make it through the Semi's (if she makes it that far) to the Top Twelve and she's definitely not going to win. Can we please have more of that Brooke chick? Give us people WHO MIGHT WIN and stop wasting my time.

*fast forwards through the weirdo's*

*ten minutes later*

23 year old wrestler David Wallis takes on Kyle in a wrestling match and Dicko can hardly contain his glee. David pins him a couple of times and seeing Kyle's face smooshed into the parquet is some of the best television since that season when the pig farmer girl pretended to knife him in Queensland. Remember that? Good times. David is so exhausted and puffed he can barely squeeze out a tune but Kyle is pretty funny when he good naturedly berates his bodyguard for being missing whilst a guy who's about to sing Rick Price pinned him to the ground. Dicko sends David out to catch his breath and when he comes back he has a nice voice but he loses it completely when he tries to falsetto. Silly rabbit. The Idol Falsetto was surrendered for all perpetuity to Irish during his first audition two years ago and no one has been able to get their grubby mitts on it since. Kyle yes's him through with a promise of a rematch if he makes it to the Opera House Finale and then Andrew G hugs hum. Man, he beat up Kyle and hugged G. That's the dream right there, people.

Oh jesus, the dinosaur is actually back. Oh, Christopher Bachman, please hurry up and turn 31 and stop coming back. Thanks.

25 year old Ginger Sweet Mendoza (her real name) busts out some medical advice for other aspiring singers with colds and then Kyle wrangles her life story from her - abandoned by her mother, raised by her grandparents; they clearly want tears and recriminations, but Ginger is very matter of fact about the whole thing. Guys, she has a fever, she has no time for your bullshit, she wants to sing, get her ticket to Sydney and go home to bed. Sore throat aside, she throws attitude and vocal chops at the judges - she's struggling slightly but man alive, she's kicking it! It's a little shouty but I'm willing to theorise that she's compensating. She's also fairly adorable so yay for her!

Brodie Owen (16. Too young. Too young. Get back to school dude, catch yourself some waves and come back in two years. This show will RIP YOU TO SHREDS). Like last year's sixteen year old Matt Corby, he's chosen Supersititous as his audition song - and next season I want to see a ruling that outlaws this song from all male contestant auditions. He sings it quite well and he's charming as hell, but he's so young. Oh, please don't. But they do. And then he yells out 'Ocean Reef' and holy hell, he goes to my old high school. Sigh. Go forth young man, we'll do our best to keep you young and undamaged. Also, your mum is lovely.

18 in total through from Perth. And no one has sung any of Marcia's favourite songs thus far this season. Huh.

On to Brisbane tomorrow night and we'll get to finally hear the zaftig lass from the Can You Feel It ad and ascertain for sure if her voice really is that hair raisingly awesome.

TallulahBelle out.

Feeling It.

My dearest, darling Season Six!

Oh, how I have missed you. Might I dare to hope that the feeling has been mutual and you have missed me? I am heartbreakingly aware that we parted on bad terms last season, let's be completely upfront and honest about that. I mean, I loved The Gauc. Thrilled she won. (A little dumsquizzled as to where the hell her actual CD is, but you know, I'm SURE you'll explain that in the first week. Or two. The first month? Or you can choose to completely gloss over The Mysterious Disappearance of The Gauc and we'll just call her Casey Mark II and never speak of her again). But by the end of last season, I don't know if you noticed, but I and most of the country? Didn't give a flying fuck who won or lost. I barely watched the finale and frankly, that was more for The Divinyls than anything else. I'm not sure what else happened that night.

So this season, before we get started I'd like to set some important ground rules. Ground rules that I feel aren't completely out of the realm of do-ability. Ground rules that I feel we can stick to, that will mend the fences around the broken home that is our relationship. I know that last time I felt like this about Us, you gave me Damien Leith. That may possibly be the best Save of a relationship EVER. I mean, I felt lost. I was contemplating moving on to another show and dividing our assets. And then? You gifted me with the gorgeous, honey voiced Irish. (Seriously, have I thanked you for that recently? Thank you.) You have made an awesome start by ditching the ever flowing fountain of bullshit that makes up Mark Holden (but if I'd known you weren't going to keep him around, I might have celebrated the final 'Touchdown' he gave last season a little more. I would have choreographed a dance. Written a song. Recited some bad beat poetry and slaughtered a fatted calf in your honour with thanks.)

The Ground Rules; Firstly, I will NOT be lending any credence to the fame whores and idiots who are just there to get their mugs on the teev. No, thank you sir. I've had enough of gorilla costumes and if I want to see a superhero, I'll just go see The Dark Knight again, thanks.

Secondly, I have been made aware that a Ms RickiLee Coulter (??) will be appearing on your show as a type of 'mentor' to the kids. And look, it's your show, do what you want, but if you take time away from Andrew G and James Mathieson; I. Will. Be. Pissed. 65% of the greatness that is the show that is Idol is their schtick and if you detract from that, I will be forced to detract from your face. She therefore, does not exist to me. Unless I can call her Chanel. And also, if she is replaced by Chanel.

Thirdly. Marcia's penchant for calling every second song she hears, one of her favourites, became a drinking game last season that nearly killed me. It's been eight long months of AA and not being able to eat my grandmother's trifle at Christmas. This season, we're going to try something different.

Fourthly. I don't really have a fourthly. I'm sure I'll come up with one. I reserve the right to at any point in time bring in a fourthly. And a fifthly. In return, I will endeavour to pay attention - and more importantly, CARE - right through to the finale.

On to the first auditions in Melbourne! And the first positive outcome of A No Holden Idol is the Judges Table as we finally get Dicko back where he belongs, sitting in the final seat, giving the last opinion. Thank GOD. The closing words said to a contestant after they sing will never start with the phrase 'I'm not familiar with that song'. Ever again. Excellent.

First up is James Sidebottom . . . heeeee. (Oh, shut up, he's used to that, his surname is SIDEBOTTOM, he went through primary school with it, I'm sure his skin is appropriately thick.) James is a 25 year old self taught guitarist and chiropracter. Um. I'm sure they don't mean he taught himself chiropract-ing. I'm certain he passed all the requisite exams and has all the legal documents required to be safely laying his hands on Mathieson in the manner he is. His voice has a lovely, husky Johnny Diesel-ish quality to it, whisky sweet. First through to Sydney and we're off! Huzzah!

We are SO not talking about Mark I who happily wallops the heck out of Mika's 'Grace Kelly' or Mark II who takes the final note of whatever the hell he sings and makes it last about eight awful minutes. Nope. Moving right along.

Busker Chris Fatouros (25) sings some dirgey thing that appears to be in about three different people's range. Kyle thinks he's "excellent", Marcia "intensely intriguing" and Dicko loves his "intensity". He's the second shown as through and the first to confuse me. Really? I totally didn't get that. It's going to be a long season, I can feel that.

Hot tamale Sacha Rudolph (18) brings out all the cliches - music is her life, passion for singing, save the starving . . . hordes? That's . . . new for a reality show about singing. It's more America's Next Top Model. Ooookay. How are her vocal chops? Not as good as her 'tude. Dicko suggests she get a job with World Vision and Marcia gets quite snarky and sends her on her way.

27 year old Sarah Carnegie has played at Manchester Lane! Site of the last time I saw Irish play live and the spot where he signed a CD for me 'fiddle dee dee potatos' and didn't even look at me a little strangely when I asked him to. Love! (Oh, Damien Leith. Can you audition again?) Back to Sarah, who advises us she is having a torrid and steamy longterm love affair with music - when she starts singing I immediately request if they're interested in a threesome. Her voice is gorgeous. The judges join in and make it an orgy of loving - at which point both Sarah and I use our safe words and back out when Kyle takes off his shirt - and pop her straight through. Oh. Yeah.

Kyle is repeatedly disappointed by the hot girls who can't sing who tramp past the audition panel (pun intended), until Tatum Jackson (21) saunters through and gives us a quite lovely Natasha Bedingfield number. The panel creates some Drama by sending her out to whatserface Coulter to find something 'pop'ier because no one knows who Natasha Bedingfield is, right? She comes back and sings that annoyingly cute 'Bubbly' song. OH!! FOURTHLY, I reserve the right to absolutely and positively REAM THE FUCK out of anyone who sings that fucking 'I Kissed A Girl' song. Bad faux lesbian pop is NOT welcome on My Show, 'kay thanx. Anyway, Tatum's second chance is cute - it still gets a no from Dicko but Marcia and Kyle yes her right through.

Um. The Naked Cowboy? Not so naked. Also, I suspect not really a cowboy. Or a singer. Why is he even here? Has he left poor unsuspecting tourists in New York who want to take photos of themselves with him, with nothing to do? Put some clothes on and get out of my country. Although you may leave your three million and the hat. I like the hat.

From Nowhere (sorry) comes 23 year old Casey Freeman who kneels on the floor with her guitar and sounds like a female Jack Johnson which = awesome. She's pretty cool and the judges acknowledge that and quickly put her through.

Rebecca Simani (18) needs her best friend in her audition with her - call me cynical but I imagine the producers suggested that . . . luckily her voice is pretty awesome and carries her through.

(I know I said no fame whores, but HOW can I go past the three girls who sing Dick In A Box, complete with props, without applauding? I can't and I won't. Kudos ladies. Fucking A. For Awesome.)

17 year old Brooke Addamo brought her entire street with her. She blues up a GREAT version of Coldplay's 'The Scientist' and then we get a backstory that features the first of the Eternally Awesome Idol Parentals - her (step)Dad is really cool and visibly chuffed. Awwwww.

Amanda Grafanakis (24) is the first familiar face from the Can You Feel It ad. She rocks out 'Mother Mother' by Tracy Bonham, a song and artist I have to say I NEVER thought I'd see/hear on Idol. She scrapes through.

And then we come to Lindsay West (30) who made it through to the semi finals of Season Three and is back to try again. Confession time. I was BRUTAL about Lindsay. Mean to the power of three. And Lindsay, who - I'm still fuzzy on how - found my blog and read the mean(cubed) things I said about him, was remarkably cool with it. He awesomely saw the humour in the situation and the fact that editing can make anyone look like a dick (especially, in his own words, when you give them enough ammunition). Regardless, Lindsay has been really great about sharing background info about his original time on Idol, the machinations, the process, he's invited me (and the crazy kids from CC) to see him live (awesome). He has, in short been pretty fucking ace about it all. He sings pretty solidly but it's just not the same when he doesn't have a kicking band backing him. How have I still not seen him do the KISS thing? Dicko isn't a huge fan, but Kyle and Marcia are both pretty chuffed to see him taking advantage of the new ruling last season that previous semi finalists can re-audition (and also no doubt remember that Lindsay makes great tv. Love him or hate him.) Bring it. (And we've kind of recently had this conversation Lindsay, but get a haircut young man! And stop bringing Jake Gyllenhaal into it.)

Vesna from Big Brother!! came with a hair rocker who can't so much rock. Still, we miss you on our teev, Vesna.

Steve Jaz (27) busts out his best 'Maniac' and squeaks through with yes votes from Marcia and Kyle.

The escapees from the VCA Musical Theatre course give us a quick montage of blergh auditions for Wicked and Shane Warne; The Musical (a real musical, for real, I'm not shitting you, Shane Warne; The motherfucking Musical. For. Real.) but they lead us to perky redhead Nicole Banks (18) who jazzes a GORGEOUS number at us in a fantastic voice. Dicko calls her delightful! She really is! Shaneequa texts to dub Nicole as my early favourite. I reply in the affirmative but frankly all the girls thus far have been outstanding. Go the Chicks!!

G and Mathieson walk the St Kilda pier and discuss Great Stuff That Came From Melbourne. They . . . forget to mention me. Boys. You scamps.

Our second auditionee who we already know from the Can You Feel It ad, is Thanh Bui (25) who belts out a total boy band song, sung in a total boy band manner. Dicko busts on him for the vocal gymnastics but his voice is kind of ace and he whizzes through.

The Last Person To Audition Who Totally Gets Through Completely And Utterly Unexpectedly is Mark Spano who used to have a burgeoning career with a screaming rock band but who Cosima'd and hasn't really sung since. His voice has a nice roughness about it but when he arcs his throat back and belts out some notes, I worry terribly - 'ware the polyps Mark! Marcia touts him as the best voice she's heard on the show in years. Ummm. Marcia? Irish was only two years ago. Two. So, shut up Marcia.

In total 34 singers make it through from Melbourne to the Top One Who Are They Kidding Hundred. Tomorrow night Perth (and my birthday!), then on to Brisbane, Adelaide, London and Sydney, which is apparently SO big they have to show it on two nights. Unless - and lets hope THIS is the case - it's because the shows only go for half an hour. Yeah? Yeah.

TallulahBelle out.