7 32 Mathieson and his skinny tie put Brooke Addamo in the bottom three, G calls out Sophie Paterson and Mathieson rounds out the bottom three with the only person who actually deserves to be there, Thanh Bui.
7 33 Brooke's disappointment is palpable as she sings 'Bette Davis Eyes' again and this fucking sucks, there is no way this girl should be in the bottom three and if she goes I will be mega pissed. Way to get me suckered into voting, you rat bastards. Mathieson throws back to whatserface as Brooke steals the microphone so we get G being a cutie pie again and rushing back to get it.
7 35 Sophie is rocking the high ponytail again as she sings 'Sweet Dreams' and she looks . . . you know, she looks kind of fed up with this whole thing already. Hitting Bottom Three two weeks in a row, that SUCKS. I want to smack the living shit out of people voting for Dimples. She's so angry she mangles her big power note but rallies and pulls the end out nicely. She tells whatserface that it wasn't too big a shock.
7 38 Oh geez, we have to listen to Thanh breathily croon his way through 'Every Breath You Take'. Go watch Robert Downey Jr again. He's very earnest and he just wants this so very much but he has to be the one to go. It would be criminal to let either of the girls go over him. The Idol sound guys give us a footy siren to let us know we can vote. Excuse me for a minute whilst I power vote for Brooke. Sorry Sophie, I can only choose one of you and Brooke was better.
7 41 Marcia says that they were all totally in their stride last night and when they're in the Bottom Three they have to go even harder and step up. Kyle says he doesn't think the worst performers are in the bottom. Dicko doesn't say anything before G throws to a break.
7 43 Brooke 19 10 10 x lots. I text message Fosse and Shaneequa who are both at rehearsals to let them know and register my astounding disgust at Brooke being there. Shaneequa replies with one word - crap - and Fosse's text is a hopeful goodbye to Thanh.
7 46 Mathieson asks Sophie why she may not be connecting with the people at home. She says she doesn't really know how to answer that, she sings her best etc. They reshow her original audition with her original song and Darren Hayes raves at her and I remember how awesome she is and man, it's hard to type with your fingers crossed. She says she'll do a Potbelleez song if she makes it to next week's Australian week theme.
7 49 Whatserface talks to Brooke and we get a recap of her previous nights performance and how AWESOME she was. Stupid voting public. Coulter asks her if she thinks her performace was up to the level of the others AND FUCK RIGHT OFF, YOU BEATLES RUINING SKANK. Get the FUCK off my show. FIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRED.
7 51 Mathieson holds back the giggles as he asks how Thanh possiby couldn't have known that the Police song is about stalking and there is much wankery about how Thanh still thinks it's a pretty pretty love song. Last night before the show Marcia gave Thanh tips on how to be a scary motherfucker. Heh. She now tells him he has one of the best voices in the comp but he needs to listen.
7 54 Chrislyn wins the Cadbury Best Performance of the night for the second week in a row.
7 55 Phil Collins listening, drumming Cadbury gorilla. STILL FUNNY.
7 58 G gets the giggles about something to do with David Lee Roth. I don't know, he's just adorable when he's flustered. Luke got recognised on the beach and laughingly notes that it was just because he was Dimples.
8 00 G talks to Tom and the fucking idiots in the audience start squealing like he's frigging Justin Timberlake. He is NOT Justin Timberlake, he's not even Joey Fatone, you fucking morons. They show the shocking night that he had and Dimples says he agrees he needs to step up. Dicko gets all Dad on a sad and weepy Dimples and this is why he needs to not be on this show, because he's just a frigging kid and that just got him a THOUSAND sympathy votes from the idiot tweens. Dicko asks him how he feels to be safe on such a poor performance and Dimples says he feels bad. Dicko reminds us all how freaking long we had to listen to Marty Simpson last season purely because someone out there found him attractive. Sickos.
8 04 Mathieson talks some more with The Messiah who is wearing a tartan hat that I just can't even . . . man . . . it deserves applause this one, it's hugely geeky and it's the first hat I have loved. They shoot the breeze about the wankery in the press recently about him having too much real life experience and blah blah. He and whatserface rap in the hallways and whilst The Messiah doesn't pull back from busting out 'motherfucker', he holds back from 'nigger'. She does not. It's random and freaking hilarious and this is the first time I've enjoyed her on the show. Gold. But still fired, obviously.
8 08 I want one of the new nano-chromatic iPods, either the pink or the red one. You wanted to know that, yeah?
8 09 La Lauper!! 'Time After Time'!! Cyndi's got an Appalachian dulcimer perched on her thighs and she is playing that bastard sweetly. She's accompanied by a dude on guitar and she croons beautifully. Her range is great and she sounds amazing, age has barely affected her voice at all. She absolutely shits all over Jordin Sparks from last week. This is great. Even better, she's wearing total stripper shoes! (But is wisely sitting down.) She gets a well deserved standing ovation from the lucky lucky bastards in the audience. G is giddy about the dulcimer and mentions she played Mardi Gras recently - see, the new Cher. She's wonderfully funny and plays up to the boys. Love. Her. Can we keep her? PLEASE?
Sidebar; Red has totally committed to seeing The House Bunny with me. She's awesome, y'all.
8 19 G gets to the first safe contestant (Brooke, Brooke, Brooke, Brooke) and it's . . . fuck. Thanh. Great, he can do his John Farnham impersonation to an actual John Farnham song on Sunday for Australian Week. Sorry Sophie, I don't want you to go, but I don't want it to be Brooke either. Ad break.
8 26 Dicko doesn't think either of the girls deserve to be there based on their performances from the night before. Mathieson reveals that Brooke is going. Fuck. She's upset and that's crap because she was easily the best girl of the night last night and this is the WORST booting since Ben McKenzie. I can only blame her early performance slot. Crappity crap crap.
8 29 As her final song, she's chosen 'These Words' by Natasha Bedingfield again and she's recovered nicely from her disappointment and perks it up and when she sings "I love you" direct to the other contestants, I might just have teared up a little. She's singing this really well and it's an amazing performance to go out on. As soon as she's done singing she gets teary again.
Well, that sucks so very much. Kyle lost his deal with New Idea for them to pay scads of money for his wedding photos because there wasn't going to be enough celebrities so he hastily tries to invite Mathieson, G and the contestants. They all kind of look horrified at each other and then avert their eyes. Bye Brooke. Sob.
TallulahBelle out.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Songs my father flogged to death**
So, my dad? He's TOTALLY one of those people who likes a song, purchases it and who plays it again and again and again. And not on his old school Sony Walkman where only he is subjected to the dulcet tones of The Manhattan Transfer harmonising their way through 'Chanson d'amour', but on the TEAC home stereo system, turned up to eleven and blasting through the living room into every corner of the house and disturbing the peaceful rest of his eldest child who may or may not have been up until the wee small hours of the a.m. watching repeats of Night Court. (It's the weeeeekend, Daaaaad, turn it doooooown, PLEASE, I'm tryyyying to sleeeeeeep. Imagine a sleepy eyed, petulant, young adult stomping through the hallways at noon in Sailor Moon pjs with severe caffeine withdrawal and an essay on Brecht and the Theatre of the Absurd due on Monday that she hasn't even started. I whinged a lot growing up. The World: And that's changed, how?) Anyway, Dad (still goes) went through periods of loving a song the way Lenny loves rabbits, he loves it and hugs it and pets it until it DIES in his arms. (Now, he plays them on his iPod. Via his iPod docking thing that he has linked to the home stereo system so it STILL pulses through the house, waking me when I'm home on my holiday and may or may not have been up until the wee small hours of the a.m. watching repeats of whatever the hell was on Foxtel at the time. Not Night Court. I wonder why they don't show that. Hmmmm.) And seeing as the majority of the Painful Death Of Songs By Dad happened during the 80's and 90's, they're almost ALL songs from the 1980's, so what better theme to use to choose better songs for the Idol's, than this one? Yay for Dad and his bloodyminded need to listen to a song a thousand times. Which he has totally passed on to me. Balls.
Oh! And before we go any further, Cyndi Lauper is my total and utter hero and new girl crush. She is awesome. She is the new black. I adore her.
Mathieson and G are beSIDE themselves that La Lauper and her squinty eyed chipmunk cheeked goodness are here to make their show a thousand times better than it normally is. They spruik her new CD Bring Ya To The Brink and gay men Australia wide quickly double check their CD collection to make sure they already have this one, she's the new Cher, y'all. For real, she was in the last season of Queer As Folk (she played a couple of numbers at the Babylon just before it was blown up by some homophobic Cyndi haters, nearly killing Michael, but allowing Brian Kinney to finally admit his love for Justin. Oh. Good times. I fucking love that show. Excuse me for an hour whilst I YouTube that episode) and she's a regular news article at AfterElton. Anyway, she's here to make sure we remember that the Goonies R good enough and that girls just want to have fun. Unless you're a girl this season, because it's a boy's season to lose.
Now I'm completely being up front and honest here (and Shaneequa will back me up) when I say that one of the songs Killed By Dad (KBD here on in) is totally John Cougar Mellencamp's 1982 hit 'Jack and Diane' (the other potential was 'R.O.C.K. in the U.S.A.' but Luke Dickens has rather made the choice for me). Now I can't 100% say that it would have been Luke I'd have given this song to but I'm going with it. Cyndi tells him he has a great rock voice and that he needs to 'take command' when he starts the song. He tells her it was 'bloody good to meetcha'. So ocker. Why am I liking him more and more? I usually HATE That Guy. It's a mystery for the ages. He still really needs to shave that damn thing on his chin. He starts off nicely and RIPS into the chorus, full throated whiskey gargle and all and then rather pointlessly jumps off the stage to . . . run around and come up the other stairs. He tilts his head as he sings my favourite line "let the bible belt come and save my soul" but he sings the next line "hold onto sixteen as long as you can" wrong, garbling the lyrics into mash. He doesn't appear to let it get to him, rocking on to the end. It's a good performance, even with the slight American twang he's singing with. Yeah, I don't get why I like him at all. But I do.
Dicko commends him on listening to Cyndi and taking command, telling him it was great work and says that up til now he maybe has felt he didn't belong, "a little sheepish" (he immediately apologises for the bad pun) but tells him he's travelling well. Marcia thinks it was outstanding to see him so comfortable and a great song choice on his part and outs (hah!) Cyndi as a cryer. She'd best be careful with the tears, she's rocking a HELL of a smoky eye, is Cyndi. La Lauper applauds and tells him he was so good and says if he wants to wear devil tshirts "it's rock and roll'. All the pointless platitudes just sound better coming out of her mouth, don't they? Kyle thinks he's borrowed one of Dicko's shirts and agrees that he's lifted, but that he should watch the tape back and lift up even more.
Cyndi fucking Lauper is on the show. Whatserface Coulter does not exist for the night. Fired.
Okay, so Cold Chisel released 'Flame Trees' in 1984 but it's the recent Sarah Blasko version that's been KBD, he played it nonfuckingstop during the two weeks in June that I was home recently. (It's actually pretty fucking awesome, go download it now. I'll wait.) Brooke Addamo could make the sweetest freaking love to that version. It's soaring, it's sweeping, it's got a great melancholic sadness to it that Brooke's voice would really suit. Plus it's damn close to a ballad, Sarah's version. Seriously, Brooke should think about doing this at some point, maybe for Australian week. I hunger for her to do this song. Actually, she needs to do that Australian week and I need to shut up because Kim Carnes' 1981 piece of brilliance, 'Bette Davis' Eyes'? What an awesome fucking song choice. Bravo Brooke. (So long as it ain't the Gwyneth Paltrow version. Urgh.) La Lauper gives Brooke great performance advice about losing herself in this sexy, sultry song and then makes her push Cyndi around, hipchecking her and getting handsy. Once she's out on stage Brooke vamps it up, adding a throaty, husky tone to her voice that suits this song perfectly. The hands across the eyes, I could do without. Never mime what you're singing, Brooke. But beautifully sung. And nice legs, missy.
Marcia tells her it's the most solid and aggressive she's seen her and that the pushing around works for her. Cyndi tells her it was great, she made it her own and that she "did good". Kyle blinks and you can see him telling himself to look at her face, not her legs, her face, her face. He says that's the first time he's gone "wow" to her. Dicko tells her she looks incredibly hot and contemporary and is slowly washing the high school performer out of her hair (and god, I keep forgetting she's only 17, she's ready for Albert Hall in comparison to Dimples). He thought she was going to be too timid for that song but it was a great performance. Mathieson pushes her around the stage and she just sparkles at him.
I know it's been done on this show before but I would love to hear Guns n Roses 1987 hit 'Sweet Child of Mine' bouncing off Madam Parker's vocal cords. Can't you just hear her swooping up the line of 'wo wo wo wooah sweet child of mii-iii-iine'? Isn't it pretty? My dad didn't kill this song, Little Brother sent this one to an early grave. He had a total boycrush on the guitarist Slash and this creepy as all fuck block mounted poster thing on his wall that looked like it wanted to glow in the dark. It was a drawing of the group and their faces were all skulls but THE EYES STILL FOLLOWED YOU AROUND THE ROOM. That thing was one of a myriad of reasons never to go into my brother's room. Oh, the reasons, they were legion and the stuff of nightmares. Madam has a flu or something and Cyndi spends most of her time teaching her excellent ways to open her throat (dirty). She's actually singing Diana Ross's 1980 hit 'Upside Down' and that's just a little obvious. Go wild, Madam, sing some Gunners!! She's still scratchy sounding and struggles to get some of the higher notes out but she's trying and still giving it her all. She also looks HOT. Curly hair is SO her. She is wearing enormous fucking hoop earrings for the second week in a row. Her and the earrings, Messiah and his hats, can you buy Idol Accessories via the Official Site? She looks like she kind of gives up by the finish and just lets it end.
Cyndi asks her how she felt and tells her it was much better than her soundcheck. She also tells her that with choosing RnB songs, she needs to strengthen her middle register more. Some actual fucking singing advice. Man, is SHE on the wrong show. Kyle thinks she looks hot too and tells her she pulled it together well for someone who couldn't speak a couple of days ago. Dicko says by her own very high standards it was a bit raggedy, but tells her she's showing a real versatility and that she's going to have a career regardless of the show. Marcia tells her how nice it is to see someone comfortable on the stage, doing her thing. Marcia, for actual critique, please speak to the Brooklyn Babe on your right.
Mark Spano looks TINY standing next to She Who Isn't On The Show Tonight At All, Thanks, Especially In That Ridiculous Yellow Thing She's Wearing, Oh My God, The Stylists Totally Hate Her Too; Fired!! Oh my sweet Current Favourite, I hate Foreigner's 'I Wanna Know What Love Is' and one of the reasons is my Dad killed it dead. Dead, dead, dead. Deader than the Eagles live concert DVD that he plays at any given time of the day from their Hell Freezes Over tour that makes me wish it would so I could ice skate down there, bring back Jeffrey Dahmer and set him to work on Don Henley. It's SO dead, it didn't even make it onto my list of songs that I would like to see you guys do. Instead, I would totally love and consider it a personal favour, if you would sing Dire Straits 'Brothers In Arms' at some point because really and truly? It would be the awesomest awesome that ever awesomed. I ain't even kidding. Mark Spano and that brilliant 1985 anthem? I . . just . . . chills, man. (Don't listen to Fosse, he's a nasty 'BiA' hater.) Mark has also not been well and Cyndi shows him some exercises and he totally needs to do that stuff to make sure he never ever hurts his cords again because I need him to sing. I do. Because next week Euph and Shaneequa are making the trek to Chez Belle to watch Idol and whilst Shaneequa scoffs at my love of The Spano, Euph is right there with me and we need our eye and ear candy. Mathieson smarms that he loves a power ballad right before Mark comes out and sweet jesus and mary chain, he gets out a shovel, digs down six feet, drags out the rotting corpse of this song and breathes life back into it. I mean, it's a very rote arrangement, it's not particularly deviating from the original but . . . I do kind of wanna show him what love is. It's just really well sung. Again. *dopey grin*
Kyle nods that it was a very nice job and Mark starts looking really red when he says that ladies at home (*waves*) would think that is the type of lover he is, yeah? Then Kyle throws his drippy self at La Lauper who now needs a long, hot, scalding shower to remove the Stank of Kyle. He calls Mark 100% believeable, tells him he owns the stage and that he'll appeal to both ladies and gents of a certain persuasion. Dicko calls him Spanner and talks about how relaxed he is backstage, at which point Spanner (stealing, totally, thanks!) pops an eyebrow a la Phil from the Amazing Race and the contest is OVER. This guy, right here? No one can shift him from my favourite position now, signed, sealed, delivered, I'm his. Dicko wants to know how hard he's pushing himself because he's unbelievably comfortable "up there" and says at his radio station the girls love him and love his voice and the gay guys love him with the sound turned down. Fosse takes umbrage at Mark's reaction to this but my besotted Mark coloured glasses don't see anything wrong. He laughs and says "as long as they vote". Marcia gets all "there are millions of women who would like to show you what love is" and I already made that joke, Brown Sugar. Cyndi gets all Brooklyn on him, talking about him being Italian. G and I TOTALLY have the same taste in men, and I point out to Shaneequa that G is so very touchy feely with Spanner. Spanner. Heeee.
Sidebar; Am I a bad person for wanting to see The House Bunny? I totally find Anna Faris hiLARious when she isn't in those awful Scary Movie movies. Or in Brokeback Mountain, 'cause she ain't going for comedy in that film. Plus . . . oh, I'm legless, I have not a leg to stand on, it's total fluff and I don't care. I still want to see it. Shut up.
Tom Williams was born in 1992. That could be an excuse for the shitty song and painful performance of Billy Joel's 'Uptown Girl' but as Shaneequa snottily points out, Westlife did a (in her words) brilliantly hilarious pisstake version of this song that he should be able to relate to. We neither of us like Dimples too much and we drift off to the kitchen because we just don't care about his time with Cyndi or his prettified and boring singing. You know what my Dad used to do a lot? Technically not the killing of a song, but he totally used to hum the theme song to Fawlty Towers a lot before and after an episode and in the 80's the ABC showed that show a lot. Or Dad had it on video. I just remember seeing that show heaps. Don't you think tonight's ep of Idol would have been much much better if instead of singing, Dimples had just come out and hummed the theme to Fawlty Towers whilst Mathieson and G re-enacted the episode where Fawlty isn't allowed to mention the war to the German tourists?
"You started it"
"No, we didn't."
"Yes, you did, you invaded Poland."
Dicko tells him he's like a nine year old boy pushed on stage by a pushy stage mum and that there was no fun in the performance, that the song should be a show stopper and "that was a speed bump". Love your work Dicko. The idiots in the live audience who must be high, boo. Idiots, shut up. Marcia, completely unsurprisingly disagrees and thinks it was one of the most mature perfs she's seen him do. Has she had her eyes closed during his other performances? The fuck? Shut up Marcia. La Lauper says he sang it well but he needs to own the stage more and she's proud of him and that he'll get it. She's been infected by Marcia! Oh good god, move her, quickly! Kyle: one word. Disaster. Oh, Dimples looks like he's going to cry. Can we let him go, PLEASE? I don't want him to cry. G doesn't touch Dimples in the slightest.
Sidebar; I harbour no interest at all in seeing Keira Knightley's stone jaw and total lack of body fat in another period film. Have we learnt nothing from Pride and Prejudice, people?
First my mother and then Kasey Chambers ruined Cyndi's own song 1983 mega hit 'True Colours' for me and this is the second song tonight that I already had on my list! Again, I don't know that I would have chosen this song for Chrislyn Hamilton but if Cyndi's down with it, I am too. Week two of the Journey! of Chrislyn as the Representative of Inner Beauty as she and Cyndi get all teary about inner beauty and just one week, I'd like us not to touch on this subject, because yes, she's a big girl but she's not hideous to look at. Dude. Shaneequa and I are thoroughly chuffed with her 80's inspired hair and makeup choices and add points to her excellent singing and arrangement. I immediately deduct points as Chrislyn does not sing "twue cowours" at any point - which my brother and I used to do ALL the time when my mother played this song, collapsing in fits of giggles. "Like a wainbow". *snort* She gets a standing ovation from a large chunk of the audience and, look, it's no 'Here's Where I Stand', the song that PoorPoorCasey sung at her semi final which is a total Fuck You song about not being physically perfect (go watch the movie Camp which features that song, and if you do not cry a little when Tiffany Taylor sings that song, you may not currently own a soul) but it was pretty good.
Marcia and her crooked wig tells Chrislyn that "she showed her true colours". Shaneequa and I both roll our eyes and chime in with variations of "you are a rainbow" (except I might have said "wainbow"). La Lauper said she initially didn't understand the interpretation and that Chrislyn held her performance back until now but that she was in it and she owned it. Chrislyn says she feels beautiful and rejuvenated. Cyndi said she would do this song bared to the bone but that the arrangement was lovely and suited her (and seriously, Cyndi acoustic is AWESOME. I know I use that word a lot, but really, look in the dictionary, there's a picture of Cyndi playing an acoustic gig next to the word Awesome. Then go find a version of 'Time After Time' that she sings with Sarah McLachlan and prepare to be floored by the brilliance.) Kyle tells her she looks great and he felt the emotion. Dicko says it was such an important song because we've seen the barnstorming Big Mama songs but we hadn't seen the tender, quiet, still Chrislyn, but she passed with flying colours. Mathieson wants to know exactly how much she shat her pants when she found out that Cyndi would be mentoring the week that she'd chosen one of her songs. Chrislyn says "lots".
Teale Jakubenko gets busted by Cyndi for being too tight (dirty) and is made to warm up his body. Shaneequa (the experienced proper singing person in the room) nods and remarks that Cyndi is serving up GOLD in the advice arena. iTunes recently afforded my father the opportunity to KBD Status Quo's 1975 song (what? It's only five years out. They'd have let Bobby Flynn sing a 1975 song in the 1980's week) 'Down Down' - which seriously, when you hear it EIGHT TIMES A DAY feels like the longest song ever written, it just goes on and on and on. The Quo deserve better. Not that Teale is necessarily going to be that, but wouldn't you like to see Teale glam rock it up, just a bit? Maybe with a little eye makeup too. He needs to cut loose, move away from the Very Proper Singing that he does and get, dare I say it, DIRTY. It's also in his range too, it's not too middle register but it's also not high enough that he can try out his falsetto which I. Am. Over. He's chosen U2's 1987 snorefest 'Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For'. He pulls total Jesus Pose whilst at the microphone, urges the audience to "come on" and then saunters over to the backing singers. It's well sung but another unremarkable performance.
Cyndi thinks it was great and he sat in every note and it sounded like that guy he likes but not like him and what? Has Teale been telling La Lauper about his infatuation with Rick Price, because dude, no. To Kyle, it was a superstar performance and says it was a great voice for a great song. Dicko says it's the biggest improvement he's seen from week to week on this show and says the confidence in the performance was brilliant. Teale says it was time for him to step up. Was I watching the wrong channel or something? He was good but DULL. Marcia tells him to remember Cyndi's advice and says the best thing about his performance was that it was over too soon. Huh? Doesn't she mean, the worst thing about his performance was that it was over too soon? What are they cutting Marcia's stash with these days? G and Mathieson come out and G doesn't touch Teale at all. He is totally Spano's bitch.
Ohhhh, you guys! The Pretenders. 1980. 'Brass In Pocket'. Sophie Paterson. Huh??! Huh!! Because also, Sophie TOTALLY has that same vaguely whiny quality in her voice that Chrissie Hynde OWNS (it's the good kind of whiny, trust me) and they both have that lazy sensuality in their tone but honestly, 'Brass In Pocket', 'Back On The Chain Gang', 'Hymn To Her' - Sophie would knock any one of those songs out of the park. Get on that, Paterson! I like it a lot more than her doing The Eurythmics 1983 song (and man, their name is hard to spell without looking up) 'Sweet Dreams'. She's adorably nervous about being in the prescence of Cyndi, who immediately picks up on Sophie's penchant for going a little flat in the higher register. They wiggle their hips and warm up. Sophie comes out with a side fringe and high ponytail that TOTALLY makes her look like Hayley from Season Two. Shaneequa notes that in two eps she's shown more personality than Hayley did in her whole season and aren't we snarky tonight?? Sophie still goes flat in the same part she did with Cyndi but she's still not doing bad. Awww, she's rehearsed arm movements with the backup singers! I'm so lame, that's so what I would do if I was on this show so I can't pick on her at all for that. She finishes really really strongly and I'd say this is the best singing she's done thus far. Also, her enunciating is much better.
Kyle didn't think she'd have the oomph to get that song out and right but she proved him wrong. Dicko was also worried due to her previous pitch problems but there weren't any this week. He calls her a blonde bombshell but hates her Pussycat Dolls shoes, saying the stripper shoes are no good. Kyle points out they're more like tranny shoes and it's the perfect segue to Marcia! She's also really chuffed about the choreography with the backup singers. Cyndi brings it back to the shoes and tells her not to wear shoes she can't dance in and gives her some podiatry advice. Mathieson recommends Hush Puppies and flirts with Sophie a bit. A lot. He's jealous of G's relationship with Spanner.
The Messiah's workshop opens with him singing "can't start a fire without a spark" and that's great because I want him to sing Dad's favourite song of 1989, Billy Joel's 'We Didn't Start The Fire' and the lyrics are VERY similar, yes? It's not really a song you can sing and yes, this is punishment for the hats, Wes Carr. Oh fine, go ahead and do your Bruce Springsteen 1984 smash hit 'Dancing In The Dark' if you must. Cyndi recognises the glory of the coming of the lord and has very little advice to give the terribly talented and well put together musician that is Wes. Shaneequa wonders who is going to be Courtney Cox about a minute before G makes a similar joke. The Messiah is wearing another hat. Oy. He also has his guitar and that's two weeks in a row they've let him use an instrument. He has a rollicking good time and is just so very very good. Final two, I'm calling it. Wes and Mark. There, done. Last time I called a correct final two this early it was Irish and Jess. I'd love to be right again. It's very well sung in his extremely great style and he's ace. Love.
Dicko nods that it was yet another brilliant performance and forgot to judge and just kicked back and enjoyed it. Dicko loves him. Marcia tells him not to ever change a thing and he's a great performer. I'd change the hats. La Lauper wants to know if he felt good about it and says the next step is writing songs and she's in absolute love with him. We all are, Cyndi! Kyle talks about the "controversy" about someone with Wes' experience being allowed in the competition - and if we aren't bitching about them having no experience and no stagecraft, we're bitching about them having too much. Shut up journalists. Kyle says if he had to invest money in someone today, Wes would be it. I'd doubleteam him with Mark and release something and . . . man, everything I type today is dirty. G is a little touchy with Wes who is too busy flirting with Cyndi and her sparkling eyes to notice.
'Wiggle It' is AWFUL. But her CD single cover is SMOKING hot. Doesn't matter because she's NOT ON THE SHOW TONIGHT. Right?
As a family, we handily destroyed Mike And The Mechanics 1988 monster 'The Living Years'. We'd pump up the radio every time that bitch came on and you'd get a five part (dis)harmony to rival anything Queen did on 'Bohemian Rhapsody'. We didn't just kill that song, we knifed it in the gut, giving it a stomach wound that took about five months to fester and slowly bleed out. Death by FamilyBelle. It's not a good or humane way to go. Roshani Priddis needs to do a slower number. Something that showcases her softer range but also gives her the opp to belt out some angt ridden lyrics about death and missed opportunities. She'd make me cry, I'm telling you that right now, it's the song for her. Cyndi doesn't talk her out of Tina Turner's 1984 hit 'What's Love Got To Do With It', telling her instead to put her own stamp on it. Roshani's dress has shiny bits on it and kind of reminds me of Tina's outfit from Mad Max Thunderdome. She sings the everloving life out of this song and it actually fits my earlier brief, as she uses her lower range to begin with and then slowly moves to the belting. I'd still like to see some angst. She doesn't give this angst. It could use angst. I'm going to stop typing angst now.
Someone yells out that they love her and Marcia gets her best line of the night telling him he needs to take a number and sit down, because yeah, we all want a Roshani of our very own. Every home should have one! Marcia gets quite animated about how fantastic she thought it was, gushing a little bit. Cyndi thought she hit her points and worked through all the steps in the song and her arrangment built. She does point out that she needs to watch her pitch in the lower register and talks about her shoes as well. Kyle agrees with the ladies but thinks she sat a little too safe and could have smashed it from start to finish. Dicko agrees that there was some trepidation about her pitch and if she'd let go like she did last week it would have better. (Dicko "the stocks are rising for the banker from Sri Lanka". Australia: Groan.) Cyndi leaps to Roshani's defence arguing that she sat into the note, sang her guts out at the end and that she had to start off soft to have it build and whaddya want, a one note sally? Love. Her. G remembers Cyndi from Wrestlemania. Oh dear.
I remember in Season Four (Year of The Irish), this happened in the first episode of the Top Twelve; "I can’t stand Richard Marx. I spent 1989 loathing his album because my sister played it nonfuckingstop and it drove me batshit crazy. I had to say that so you would understand exactly how much I did not enjoy Joseph Gatehau’s rendition of 'Right Here Waiting'. " I still hate that song. My sister just, oh, that fucking CD. I can't hear ANYTHING from that CD without flashing back to not being able to GET AWAY FROM RICHARD MARX. But! This was Joseph's first and last performance on Idol so maybe, just maybe, lightening would strike twice. Thanh Bui could oversing 'Right Here Waiting' to his little boyband heart's content and then BAM. Gone. I'd willingly sit through that for those results. Wouldn't you? Instead we have to sit through Thanh's rendition of the stalkeriffic Police song 'Every Breath You Take'. He thinks its a love song. Oh. My. God. Research your songs people, you're supposed to be musicians, JESUS. Cyndi is vaguely horrified by this. I am horrified by the Young Talent Time, Callea-lite performance in front of me and have to You Tube when Robert Downey Jr was on Ally McBeal and arranged a surprise performance of this song for her birthday and sang a verse only to reveal at the chorus that Sting was there. If you can, go watch this. It will wash away the bad taste of Thanh's version, I promise. Robert Downey Jr makes EVERYTHING better at the moment. Him or Neil Patrick Harris. Or Jensen Ackles, man, I am ALL about Jensen at the moment, he's veering dangerously close to The Clooney territory. The Ackles. Doesn't really have the same ring to it, might have to work on that. I'll do that while I watch Season 3 of Supernatural - in between the giggling and swooning. And now I've completely forgotten all about Thanh. Thank you Jensen. Oh, alright. Judges. But it can't be good.
Cyndi nervously laughs, noting "it's hard for me because I've worked with him" and then scrunches her face up so much her eyes completely freaking disappear before she asks him if he was 'there'. He was. Man, he's SO oblivious. She says it was much better - jesus, than what? She thought it was great. Oh, I'm confused, how the FUCK was that great? Was Cyndi also looking at photos of Jensen Ackles? Did someone pop a laptop in front of her and play RDJ and Sting on Ally McBeal and now she's all confused? Is Marcia sharing her stash? Kyle compliments the band and Cyndi plays with his handkerchief (not dirty in the slightest). He thinks he threw off the fake boy band veneer. Well, I didn't see that at all. Then awesomely Cyndi starts talking about practically opening a vein when you perform to be human and pushes Kyle, saying he doesn't understand because he's not an artist, "you play records, you don't make them". Dicko calls Thanh a labour of love and says we're not quite there yet. He would have liked it slowed down, it was too cheesy and doesn't know what kind of artist he's going to be; he's not direct enough for pop, not sexy enough for RnB, not cool enough for new soul. Ditch him. Him first, then Dimples. Then we'll have a show. Marcia insists that he's a work in progress (Kyle says not him, and Marcia snerks at him that he's done, he's totally perfect, and that's TWO for Brown Sugar!) and she wants Thanh to drop the veneer. Mathieson and G come out to talk to Thanh who is lovely and accepting of any criticism. He's nice. But I don't like his singing. Sorry.
Bottom three . . . should be Dimples, Thanh and Teale. I have no IDEA who it actually will be. I'd LOVE to see Dimples or Thanh go. They're the weak spots. Spanner and The Messiah as safe as houses in a really safe place, right? Yeah. Looking forward to seeing La Lauper singing 'Time After Time' and one of the T's (Tom, Teale and Thanh) going home. Are you listening Australia??
Top three . . . Spanner, The Messiah and Brooke. With a little of Sophie and Luke thrown in.
TallulahBelle Out
**Okay, so technically, Songs my father, brother, sister, mother, myself and Kasey Chambers & Australian Rugby flogged to death, but that's just not as catchy, damnit.
Oh! And before we go any further, Cyndi Lauper is my total and utter hero and new girl crush. She is awesome. She is the new black. I adore her.
Mathieson and G are beSIDE themselves that La Lauper and her squinty eyed chipmunk cheeked goodness are here to make their show a thousand times better than it normally is. They spruik her new CD Bring Ya To The Brink and gay men Australia wide quickly double check their CD collection to make sure they already have this one, she's the new Cher, y'all. For real, she was in the last season of Queer As Folk (she played a couple of numbers at the Babylon just before it was blown up by some homophobic Cyndi haters, nearly killing Michael, but allowing Brian Kinney to finally admit his love for Justin. Oh. Good times. I fucking love that show. Excuse me for an hour whilst I YouTube that episode) and she's a regular news article at AfterElton. Anyway, she's here to make sure we remember that the Goonies R good enough and that girls just want to have fun. Unless you're a girl this season, because it's a boy's season to lose.
Now I'm completely being up front and honest here (and Shaneequa will back me up) when I say that one of the songs Killed By Dad (KBD here on in) is totally John Cougar Mellencamp's 1982 hit 'Jack and Diane' (the other potential was 'R.O.C.K. in the U.S.A.' but Luke Dickens has rather made the choice for me). Now I can't 100% say that it would have been Luke I'd have given this song to but I'm going with it. Cyndi tells him he has a great rock voice and that he needs to 'take command' when he starts the song. He tells her it was 'bloody good to meetcha'. So ocker. Why am I liking him more and more? I usually HATE That Guy. It's a mystery for the ages. He still really needs to shave that damn thing on his chin. He starts off nicely and RIPS into the chorus, full throated whiskey gargle and all and then rather pointlessly jumps off the stage to . . . run around and come up the other stairs. He tilts his head as he sings my favourite line "let the bible belt come and save my soul" but he sings the next line "hold onto sixteen as long as you can" wrong, garbling the lyrics into mash. He doesn't appear to let it get to him, rocking on to the end. It's a good performance, even with the slight American twang he's singing with. Yeah, I don't get why I like him at all. But I do.
Dicko commends him on listening to Cyndi and taking command, telling him it was great work and says that up til now he maybe has felt he didn't belong, "a little sheepish" (he immediately apologises for the bad pun) but tells him he's travelling well. Marcia thinks it was outstanding to see him so comfortable and a great song choice on his part and outs (hah!) Cyndi as a cryer. She'd best be careful with the tears, she's rocking a HELL of a smoky eye, is Cyndi. La Lauper applauds and tells him he was so good and says if he wants to wear devil tshirts "it's rock and roll'. All the pointless platitudes just sound better coming out of her mouth, don't they? Kyle thinks he's borrowed one of Dicko's shirts and agrees that he's lifted, but that he should watch the tape back and lift up even more.
Cyndi fucking Lauper is on the show. Whatserface Coulter does not exist for the night. Fired.
Okay, so Cold Chisel released 'Flame Trees' in 1984 but it's the recent Sarah Blasko version that's been KBD, he played it nonfuckingstop during the two weeks in June that I was home recently. (It's actually pretty fucking awesome, go download it now. I'll wait.) Brooke Addamo could make the sweetest freaking love to that version. It's soaring, it's sweeping, it's got a great melancholic sadness to it that Brooke's voice would really suit. Plus it's damn close to a ballad, Sarah's version. Seriously, Brooke should think about doing this at some point, maybe for Australian week. I hunger for her to do this song. Actually, she needs to do that Australian week and I need to shut up because Kim Carnes' 1981 piece of brilliance, 'Bette Davis' Eyes'? What an awesome fucking song choice. Bravo Brooke. (So long as it ain't the Gwyneth Paltrow version. Urgh.) La Lauper gives Brooke great performance advice about losing herself in this sexy, sultry song and then makes her push Cyndi around, hipchecking her and getting handsy. Once she's out on stage Brooke vamps it up, adding a throaty, husky tone to her voice that suits this song perfectly. The hands across the eyes, I could do without. Never mime what you're singing, Brooke. But beautifully sung. And nice legs, missy.
Marcia tells her it's the most solid and aggressive she's seen her and that the pushing around works for her. Cyndi tells her it was great, she made it her own and that she "did good". Kyle blinks and you can see him telling himself to look at her face, not her legs, her face, her face. He says that's the first time he's gone "wow" to her. Dicko tells her she looks incredibly hot and contemporary and is slowly washing the high school performer out of her hair (and god, I keep forgetting she's only 17, she's ready for Albert Hall in comparison to Dimples). He thought she was going to be too timid for that song but it was a great performance. Mathieson pushes her around the stage and she just sparkles at him.
I know it's been done on this show before but I would love to hear Guns n Roses 1987 hit 'Sweet Child of Mine' bouncing off Madam Parker's vocal cords. Can't you just hear her swooping up the line of 'wo wo wo wooah sweet child of mii-iii-iine'? Isn't it pretty? My dad didn't kill this song, Little Brother sent this one to an early grave. He had a total boycrush on the guitarist Slash and this creepy as all fuck block mounted poster thing on his wall that looked like it wanted to glow in the dark. It was a drawing of the group and their faces were all skulls but THE EYES STILL FOLLOWED YOU AROUND THE ROOM. That thing was one of a myriad of reasons never to go into my brother's room. Oh, the reasons, they were legion and the stuff of nightmares. Madam has a flu or something and Cyndi spends most of her time teaching her excellent ways to open her throat (dirty). She's actually singing Diana Ross's 1980 hit 'Upside Down' and that's just a little obvious. Go wild, Madam, sing some Gunners!! She's still scratchy sounding and struggles to get some of the higher notes out but she's trying and still giving it her all. She also looks HOT. Curly hair is SO her. She is wearing enormous fucking hoop earrings for the second week in a row. Her and the earrings, Messiah and his hats, can you buy Idol Accessories via the Official Site? She looks like she kind of gives up by the finish and just lets it end.
Cyndi asks her how she felt and tells her it was much better than her soundcheck. She also tells her that with choosing RnB songs, she needs to strengthen her middle register more. Some actual fucking singing advice. Man, is SHE on the wrong show. Kyle thinks she looks hot too and tells her she pulled it together well for someone who couldn't speak a couple of days ago. Dicko says by her own very high standards it was a bit raggedy, but tells her she's showing a real versatility and that she's going to have a career regardless of the show. Marcia tells her how nice it is to see someone comfortable on the stage, doing her thing. Marcia, for actual critique, please speak to the Brooklyn Babe on your right.
Mark Spano looks TINY standing next to She Who Isn't On The Show Tonight At All, Thanks, Especially In That Ridiculous Yellow Thing She's Wearing, Oh My God, The Stylists Totally Hate Her Too; Fired!! Oh my sweet Current Favourite, I hate Foreigner's 'I Wanna Know What Love Is' and one of the reasons is my Dad killed it dead. Dead, dead, dead. Deader than the Eagles live concert DVD that he plays at any given time of the day from their Hell Freezes Over tour that makes me wish it would so I could ice skate down there, bring back Jeffrey Dahmer and set him to work on Don Henley. It's SO dead, it didn't even make it onto my list of songs that I would like to see you guys do. Instead, I would totally love and consider it a personal favour, if you would sing Dire Straits 'Brothers In Arms' at some point because really and truly? It would be the awesomest awesome that ever awesomed. I ain't even kidding. Mark Spano and that brilliant 1985 anthem? I . . just . . . chills, man. (Don't listen to Fosse, he's a nasty 'BiA' hater.) Mark has also not been well and Cyndi shows him some exercises and he totally needs to do that stuff to make sure he never ever hurts his cords again because I need him to sing. I do. Because next week Euph and Shaneequa are making the trek to Chez Belle to watch Idol and whilst Shaneequa scoffs at my love of The Spano, Euph is right there with me and we need our eye and ear candy. Mathieson smarms that he loves a power ballad right before Mark comes out and sweet jesus and mary chain, he gets out a shovel, digs down six feet, drags out the rotting corpse of this song and breathes life back into it. I mean, it's a very rote arrangement, it's not particularly deviating from the original but . . . I do kind of wanna show him what love is. It's just really well sung. Again. *dopey grin*
Kyle nods that it was a very nice job and Mark starts looking really red when he says that ladies at home (*waves*) would think that is the type of lover he is, yeah? Then Kyle throws his drippy self at La Lauper who now needs a long, hot, scalding shower to remove the Stank of Kyle. He calls Mark 100% believeable, tells him he owns the stage and that he'll appeal to both ladies and gents of a certain persuasion. Dicko calls him Spanner and talks about how relaxed he is backstage, at which point Spanner (stealing, totally, thanks!) pops an eyebrow a la Phil from the Amazing Race and the contest is OVER. This guy, right here? No one can shift him from my favourite position now, signed, sealed, delivered, I'm his. Dicko wants to know how hard he's pushing himself because he's unbelievably comfortable "up there" and says at his radio station the girls love him and love his voice and the gay guys love him with the sound turned down. Fosse takes umbrage at Mark's reaction to this but my besotted Mark coloured glasses don't see anything wrong. He laughs and says "as long as they vote". Marcia gets all "there are millions of women who would like to show you what love is" and I already made that joke, Brown Sugar. Cyndi gets all Brooklyn on him, talking about him being Italian. G and I TOTALLY have the same taste in men, and I point out to Shaneequa that G is so very touchy feely with Spanner. Spanner. Heeee.
Sidebar; Am I a bad person for wanting to see The House Bunny? I totally find Anna Faris hiLARious when she isn't in those awful Scary Movie movies. Or in Brokeback Mountain, 'cause she ain't going for comedy in that film. Plus . . . oh, I'm legless, I have not a leg to stand on, it's total fluff and I don't care. I still want to see it. Shut up.
Tom Williams was born in 1992. That could be an excuse for the shitty song and painful performance of Billy Joel's 'Uptown Girl' but as Shaneequa snottily points out, Westlife did a (in her words) brilliantly hilarious pisstake version of this song that he should be able to relate to. We neither of us like Dimples too much and we drift off to the kitchen because we just don't care about his time with Cyndi or his prettified and boring singing. You know what my Dad used to do a lot? Technically not the killing of a song, but he totally used to hum the theme song to Fawlty Towers a lot before and after an episode and in the 80's the ABC showed that show a lot. Or Dad had it on video. I just remember seeing that show heaps. Don't you think tonight's ep of Idol would have been much much better if instead of singing, Dimples had just come out and hummed the theme to Fawlty Towers whilst Mathieson and G re-enacted the episode where Fawlty isn't allowed to mention the war to the German tourists?
"You started it"
"No, we didn't."
"Yes, you did, you invaded Poland."
Dicko tells him he's like a nine year old boy pushed on stage by a pushy stage mum and that there was no fun in the performance, that the song should be a show stopper and "that was a speed bump". Love your work Dicko. The idiots in the live audience who must be high, boo. Idiots, shut up. Marcia, completely unsurprisingly disagrees and thinks it was one of the most mature perfs she's seen him do. Has she had her eyes closed during his other performances? The fuck? Shut up Marcia. La Lauper says he sang it well but he needs to own the stage more and she's proud of him and that he'll get it. She's been infected by Marcia! Oh good god, move her, quickly! Kyle: one word. Disaster. Oh, Dimples looks like he's going to cry. Can we let him go, PLEASE? I don't want him to cry. G doesn't touch Dimples in the slightest.
Sidebar; I harbour no interest at all in seeing Keira Knightley's stone jaw and total lack of body fat in another period film. Have we learnt nothing from Pride and Prejudice, people?
First my mother and then Kasey Chambers ruined Cyndi's own song 1983 mega hit 'True Colours' for me and this is the second song tonight that I already had on my list! Again, I don't know that I would have chosen this song for Chrislyn Hamilton but if Cyndi's down with it, I am too. Week two of the Journey! of Chrislyn as the Representative of Inner Beauty as she and Cyndi get all teary about inner beauty and just one week, I'd like us not to touch on this subject, because yes, she's a big girl but she's not hideous to look at. Dude. Shaneequa and I are thoroughly chuffed with her 80's inspired hair and makeup choices and add points to her excellent singing and arrangement. I immediately deduct points as Chrislyn does not sing "twue cowours" at any point - which my brother and I used to do ALL the time when my mother played this song, collapsing in fits of giggles. "Like a wainbow". *snort* She gets a standing ovation from a large chunk of the audience and, look, it's no 'Here's Where I Stand', the song that PoorPoorCasey sung at her semi final which is a total Fuck You song about not being physically perfect (go watch the movie Camp which features that song, and if you do not cry a little when Tiffany Taylor sings that song, you may not currently own a soul) but it was pretty good.
Marcia and her crooked wig tells Chrislyn that "she showed her true colours". Shaneequa and I both roll our eyes and chime in with variations of "you are a rainbow" (except I might have said "wainbow"). La Lauper said she initially didn't understand the interpretation and that Chrislyn held her performance back until now but that she was in it and she owned it. Chrislyn says she feels beautiful and rejuvenated. Cyndi said she would do this song bared to the bone but that the arrangement was lovely and suited her (and seriously, Cyndi acoustic is AWESOME. I know I use that word a lot, but really, look in the dictionary, there's a picture of Cyndi playing an acoustic gig next to the word Awesome. Then go find a version of 'Time After Time' that she sings with Sarah McLachlan and prepare to be floored by the brilliance.) Kyle tells her she looks great and he felt the emotion. Dicko says it was such an important song because we've seen the barnstorming Big Mama songs but we hadn't seen the tender, quiet, still Chrislyn, but she passed with flying colours. Mathieson wants to know exactly how much she shat her pants when she found out that Cyndi would be mentoring the week that she'd chosen one of her songs. Chrislyn says "lots".
Teale Jakubenko gets busted by Cyndi for being too tight (dirty) and is made to warm up his body. Shaneequa (the experienced proper singing person in the room) nods and remarks that Cyndi is serving up GOLD in the advice arena. iTunes recently afforded my father the opportunity to KBD Status Quo's 1975 song (what? It's only five years out. They'd have let Bobby Flynn sing a 1975 song in the 1980's week) 'Down Down' - which seriously, when you hear it EIGHT TIMES A DAY feels like the longest song ever written, it just goes on and on and on. The Quo deserve better. Not that Teale is necessarily going to be that, but wouldn't you like to see Teale glam rock it up, just a bit? Maybe with a little eye makeup too. He needs to cut loose, move away from the Very Proper Singing that he does and get, dare I say it, DIRTY. It's also in his range too, it's not too middle register but it's also not high enough that he can try out his falsetto which I. Am. Over. He's chosen U2's 1987 snorefest 'Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For'. He pulls total Jesus Pose whilst at the microphone, urges the audience to "come on" and then saunters over to the backing singers. It's well sung but another unremarkable performance.
Cyndi thinks it was great and he sat in every note and it sounded like that guy he likes but not like him and what? Has Teale been telling La Lauper about his infatuation with Rick Price, because dude, no. To Kyle, it was a superstar performance and says it was a great voice for a great song. Dicko says it's the biggest improvement he's seen from week to week on this show and says the confidence in the performance was brilliant. Teale says it was time for him to step up. Was I watching the wrong channel or something? He was good but DULL. Marcia tells him to remember Cyndi's advice and says the best thing about his performance was that it was over too soon. Huh? Doesn't she mean, the worst thing about his performance was that it was over too soon? What are they cutting Marcia's stash with these days? G and Mathieson come out and G doesn't touch Teale at all. He is totally Spano's bitch.
Ohhhh, you guys! The Pretenders. 1980. 'Brass In Pocket'. Sophie Paterson. Huh??! Huh!! Because also, Sophie TOTALLY has that same vaguely whiny quality in her voice that Chrissie Hynde OWNS (it's the good kind of whiny, trust me) and they both have that lazy sensuality in their tone but honestly, 'Brass In Pocket', 'Back On The Chain Gang', 'Hymn To Her' - Sophie would knock any one of those songs out of the park. Get on that, Paterson! I like it a lot more than her doing The Eurythmics 1983 song (and man, their name is hard to spell without looking up) 'Sweet Dreams'. She's adorably nervous about being in the prescence of Cyndi, who immediately picks up on Sophie's penchant for going a little flat in the higher register. They wiggle their hips and warm up. Sophie comes out with a side fringe and high ponytail that TOTALLY makes her look like Hayley from Season Two. Shaneequa notes that in two eps she's shown more personality than Hayley did in her whole season and aren't we snarky tonight?? Sophie still goes flat in the same part she did with Cyndi but she's still not doing bad. Awww, she's rehearsed arm movements with the backup singers! I'm so lame, that's so what I would do if I was on this show so I can't pick on her at all for that. She finishes really really strongly and I'd say this is the best singing she's done thus far. Also, her enunciating is much better.
Kyle didn't think she'd have the oomph to get that song out and right but she proved him wrong. Dicko was also worried due to her previous pitch problems but there weren't any this week. He calls her a blonde bombshell but hates her Pussycat Dolls shoes, saying the stripper shoes are no good. Kyle points out they're more like tranny shoes and it's the perfect segue to Marcia! She's also really chuffed about the choreography with the backup singers. Cyndi brings it back to the shoes and tells her not to wear shoes she can't dance in and gives her some podiatry advice. Mathieson recommends Hush Puppies and flirts with Sophie a bit. A lot. He's jealous of G's relationship with Spanner.
The Messiah's workshop opens with him singing "can't start a fire without a spark" and that's great because I want him to sing Dad's favourite song of 1989, Billy Joel's 'We Didn't Start The Fire' and the lyrics are VERY similar, yes? It's not really a song you can sing and yes, this is punishment for the hats, Wes Carr. Oh fine, go ahead and do your Bruce Springsteen 1984 smash hit 'Dancing In The Dark' if you must. Cyndi recognises the glory of the coming of the lord and has very little advice to give the terribly talented and well put together musician that is Wes. Shaneequa wonders who is going to be Courtney Cox about a minute before G makes a similar joke. The Messiah is wearing another hat. Oy. He also has his guitar and that's two weeks in a row they've let him use an instrument. He has a rollicking good time and is just so very very good. Final two, I'm calling it. Wes and Mark. There, done. Last time I called a correct final two this early it was Irish and Jess. I'd love to be right again. It's very well sung in his extremely great style and he's ace. Love.
Dicko nods that it was yet another brilliant performance and forgot to judge and just kicked back and enjoyed it. Dicko loves him. Marcia tells him not to ever change a thing and he's a great performer. I'd change the hats. La Lauper wants to know if he felt good about it and says the next step is writing songs and she's in absolute love with him. We all are, Cyndi! Kyle talks about the "controversy" about someone with Wes' experience being allowed in the competition - and if we aren't bitching about them having no experience and no stagecraft, we're bitching about them having too much. Shut up journalists. Kyle says if he had to invest money in someone today, Wes would be it. I'd doubleteam him with Mark and release something and . . . man, everything I type today is dirty. G is a little touchy with Wes who is too busy flirting with Cyndi and her sparkling eyes to notice.
'Wiggle It' is AWFUL. But her CD single cover is SMOKING hot. Doesn't matter because she's NOT ON THE SHOW TONIGHT. Right?
As a family, we handily destroyed Mike And The Mechanics 1988 monster 'The Living Years'. We'd pump up the radio every time that bitch came on and you'd get a five part (dis)harmony to rival anything Queen did on 'Bohemian Rhapsody'. We didn't just kill that song, we knifed it in the gut, giving it a stomach wound that took about five months to fester and slowly bleed out. Death by FamilyBelle. It's not a good or humane way to go. Roshani Priddis needs to do a slower number. Something that showcases her softer range but also gives her the opp to belt out some angt ridden lyrics about death and missed opportunities. She'd make me cry, I'm telling you that right now, it's the song for her. Cyndi doesn't talk her out of Tina Turner's 1984 hit 'What's Love Got To Do With It', telling her instead to put her own stamp on it. Roshani's dress has shiny bits on it and kind of reminds me of Tina's outfit from Mad Max Thunderdome. She sings the everloving life out of this song and it actually fits my earlier brief, as she uses her lower range to begin with and then slowly moves to the belting. I'd still like to see some angst. She doesn't give this angst. It could use angst. I'm going to stop typing angst now.
Someone yells out that they love her and Marcia gets her best line of the night telling him he needs to take a number and sit down, because yeah, we all want a Roshani of our very own. Every home should have one! Marcia gets quite animated about how fantastic she thought it was, gushing a little bit. Cyndi thought she hit her points and worked through all the steps in the song and her arrangment built. She does point out that she needs to watch her pitch in the lower register and talks about her shoes as well. Kyle agrees with the ladies but thinks she sat a little too safe and could have smashed it from start to finish. Dicko agrees that there was some trepidation about her pitch and if she'd let go like she did last week it would have better. (Dicko "the stocks are rising for the banker from Sri Lanka". Australia: Groan.) Cyndi leaps to Roshani's defence arguing that she sat into the note, sang her guts out at the end and that she had to start off soft to have it build and whaddya want, a one note sally? Love. Her. G remembers Cyndi from Wrestlemania. Oh dear.
I remember in Season Four (Year of The Irish), this happened in the first episode of the Top Twelve; "I can’t stand Richard Marx. I spent 1989 loathing his album because my sister played it nonfuckingstop and it drove me batshit crazy. I had to say that so you would understand exactly how much I did not enjoy Joseph Gatehau’s rendition of 'Right Here Waiting'. " I still hate that song. My sister just, oh, that fucking CD. I can't hear ANYTHING from that CD without flashing back to not being able to GET AWAY FROM RICHARD MARX. But! This was Joseph's first and last performance on Idol so maybe, just maybe, lightening would strike twice. Thanh Bui could oversing 'Right Here Waiting' to his little boyband heart's content and then BAM. Gone. I'd willingly sit through that for those results. Wouldn't you? Instead we have to sit through Thanh's rendition of the stalkeriffic Police song 'Every Breath You Take'. He thinks its a love song. Oh. My. God. Research your songs people, you're supposed to be musicians, JESUS. Cyndi is vaguely horrified by this. I am horrified by the Young Talent Time, Callea-lite performance in front of me and have to You Tube when Robert Downey Jr was on Ally McBeal and arranged a surprise performance of this song for her birthday and sang a verse only to reveal at the chorus that Sting was there. If you can, go watch this. It will wash away the bad taste of Thanh's version, I promise. Robert Downey Jr makes EVERYTHING better at the moment. Him or Neil Patrick Harris. Or Jensen Ackles, man, I am ALL about Jensen at the moment, he's veering dangerously close to The Clooney territory. The Ackles. Doesn't really have the same ring to it, might have to work on that. I'll do that while I watch Season 3 of Supernatural - in between the giggling and swooning. And now I've completely forgotten all about Thanh. Thank you Jensen. Oh, alright. Judges. But it can't be good.
Cyndi nervously laughs, noting "it's hard for me because I've worked with him" and then scrunches her face up so much her eyes completely freaking disappear before she asks him if he was 'there'. He was. Man, he's SO oblivious. She says it was much better - jesus, than what? She thought it was great. Oh, I'm confused, how the FUCK was that great? Was Cyndi also looking at photos of Jensen Ackles? Did someone pop a laptop in front of her and play RDJ and Sting on Ally McBeal and now she's all confused? Is Marcia sharing her stash? Kyle compliments the band and Cyndi plays with his handkerchief (not dirty in the slightest). He thinks he threw off the fake boy band veneer. Well, I didn't see that at all. Then awesomely Cyndi starts talking about practically opening a vein when you perform to be human and pushes Kyle, saying he doesn't understand because he's not an artist, "you play records, you don't make them". Dicko calls Thanh a labour of love and says we're not quite there yet. He would have liked it slowed down, it was too cheesy and doesn't know what kind of artist he's going to be; he's not direct enough for pop, not sexy enough for RnB, not cool enough for new soul. Ditch him. Him first, then Dimples. Then we'll have a show. Marcia insists that he's a work in progress (Kyle says not him, and Marcia snerks at him that he's done, he's totally perfect, and that's TWO for Brown Sugar!) and she wants Thanh to drop the veneer. Mathieson and G come out to talk to Thanh who is lovely and accepting of any criticism. He's nice. But I don't like his singing. Sorry.
Bottom three . . . should be Dimples, Thanh and Teale. I have no IDEA who it actually will be. I'd LOVE to see Dimples or Thanh go. They're the weak spots. Spanner and The Messiah as safe as houses in a really safe place, right? Yeah. Looking forward to seeing La Lauper singing 'Time After Time' and one of the T's (Tom, Teale and Thanh) going home. Are you listening Australia??
Top three . . . Spanner, The Messiah and Brooke. With a little of Sophie and Luke thrown in.
TallulahBelle Out
**Okay, so technically, Songs my father, brother, sister, mother, myself and Kasey Chambers & Australian Rugby flogged to death, but that's just not as catchy, damnit.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Liveblogging; Twelve to Eleven.
7.32 No screwing about kids, straight into it. From his handy little Bottom Three card, G calls forward a not terribly surprised Jonny Taylor, Mathieson gives us Sophie Paterson and G rounds out the trio by reading out Teale Jakubenko's name.
7.34 Jonny sings Pearl Jam again. He does practically the whole thing with his eyes closed and his hand on his stomach likes he's about to puke - but keeping his eyes closed is obviously working because he sounds HEAPS better than he did last night. He still has zero stagecraft and doesn't move from the spot he's chosen. He tells G he knew he'd be there and that it's a totally different ballgame to what he does. G punishes him further by sending him back to whatserface where he's a little emotional and she emotes right back at him.
7.37 Sophie gives us the Counting Crows again and I am PISSED she's bottom three and FYI, I understand every bloody word she sings so she's kicking that enunciation thing. She looks straight down the barrel of the camera as she sings "Mister Jones and me, we're going to be big stars". And she's ticked too, man.
7.39 As G runs madly backstage to grab a microphone (and with an ADORABLE smile to the viewers at home), Sophie tells whatserface that she's actually glad she got to do that song again and there is no resting on anyone's laurels as Coulter shoots us straight back to the boys who introduce Teale.
7.40 I don't enjoy his falsetto.
7.41 Really don't enjoy it, that last note SUCKS, he doesn't slide into it effortlessly, he kind of jumps from one note to the other and it's graceless. G mentions something that happened in the press or something and what have I missed? Backstage with whatserface he admits to just trying to enjoy it and relax. She reads jerkily from the autocue.
7.43 Dicko says by and large the public got it right. Kyle says two of them got the second chance right and the third knows who fucked up. The boys will have NONE of that and howl him down, G mockingly noting the 'inspirational words from Sandilands' and Mathieson stuttering that he doesn't know who Kyle's talking about. Man, they hate him. Wait until he calls someone under the age of 21 fat and just watch G's head explode. Marcia thinks last nights show was the best they've had since the very first ep (awww, remember Cosima's sexy performance of 'Hot Stuff'? I think that was when she first grabbed my attention) and G and I kind of agree with her.
7.49 Jonny calls himself a fish out of water in this comp and discusses the disconnect he feels and the boys obviously like him because in previous seasons they have stomped on the throats of contestants who have said that they can't handle that Idol's a covers show, like it was something they didn't know when they auditioned (Matt Corby). In Jonny's interview he says he's on a different level to the others and I think he means that in a totally not up himself way but he's TOTALLY using the wrong words there. He describes himself as dark and comfortable.
7.52 Dicko doesn't want Jonny to compromise who he is but still wants him to the best he can possibly be. He thinks this will be a wake up call and that this process will make him a better performer but dude, he's gone, yeah? He won't be around past tonight and I won't have to bust out his SquarePeg nick. Right? For real, it's totally going to be Jonny.
7.53 Sophie drew the short straw and ended up with whatserface's robotic style of presenting. She asks if she's going to cry like a little girl because she got the audience Wildcard vote and then hit bottom three first up. (fired) Sophie does not smack Coulter upside the head. She instead grits her teeth and admits to being a bit disappointed and then kind of smiles and says 'yeah' like a stoner and promises to do better next time. Is whatserface losing her voice? Because that would be ace.
7.54 Mathieson reminds the audience there is only five minutes left to vote, then makes fun of Teale for picking a Rick frigging Price song. Teale loves Rick, loves his stuff and Mathieson gently reminds him that whilst you have to stay true to yourself, don't you think it's kind of fucking dorky to do a Rick frigging Price song? Only he's a little more diplomatic than that.
7.56 G outs Madam Parker as a Jordin Sparks stalker and that's totally cool because Jordin has an AMAZING voice. Chrislyn's performance of 'Think' got nominated as the Best Idol Moment from last night. Really? Over Mark Spano sexxing up the stage? Okay.
8.01 Mathieson says voting lines are closed and in about twenty minutes we'll get the results. G seques us into Idol HQ and is Mark totally baked or what? He doesn't know what floor they're on. Roshani Priddis shows us the kitchen, Sophie shows us Dimple's bedroom and the stupid tweens scream their fool heads off. Luke Dickens is excited about the lift. Mark is in boardies and is in the pool with The Messiah (who doesn't wear a hat when he swims, good to see) who quickly avoids the cameras, unfortunately they don't avoid poor Mark's slight belly which looks bigger than it is because of the ride of his swimgear. He's humourously horrified but laughs it off. I LOVE him.
8.05 Filler about Roshani and the weird stuff she does getting ready for the show and man, Coulter looks like a freaking GIANT next to her. They show Thanh Bui's performance again and what did we do to you to have that foist upon us again? This is more Thanh than any of us signed up for.
8.07 Filler. Dicko breaking down the difference for Thanh between taking a pop/rock song and turning it into a pop/rnb number that Justin Timberlake wouldn't have touched with a ten foot barge pole FIVE YEARS ago, let alone today. Your arrangment was old, it was lame and it was pimped out like Snoop Dog's ride, kid.
8.10 Filler about the bullshit touchdown, but awesomely Chrislyn Hamilton swearing on national television and promising to go all Celebrity FitClub with Kyle.
8.12 The Mazda ad and The Messiah wearing a stupid hat. I totally need a macro for that. Sophie can't whistle. Sir Denis actually makes an appearance for the first time ever. Ronald McDonald Charity Ball, Wes in a stupid hat, the Top Twelve kicking 'Can You Feel It'.
8.14 Coulter's touching Jordin Sparks. No touch-y!
8.18 Jordin sings 'No Air'. Huh. Maybe it's the Idol mikes or something or maybe she's just been touring so long and her voice is a little scratchy because she doesn't sound as brilliant as I would have thought. She has some nice notes but she's straining to hit them. And lady is smokin' hot and hey, she's doing AusIdol, that's nice - it's not like we ever got Kelly Clarkson here. Although if we did, I'd have an excited freakout 'cause that lady got PIPES.
8.23 G mistakenly tells Jordin she was in the bottom three in the US version. She giggles and says nu-uh and she's helpless in the face of the G. Mathieson wants a bit of the action and says "as if this bird would ever be in the bottom three" and gets all ocker about where she's going to store her block mounted Platinum Record thingy and she's girlishly confused. It's hellishly cute.
8.29 G goes through everything the judges said last night. Blergh. FILL. ER. First safe person is Sophie. Excellent. I'm okay with either of the guys going but I'd prefer to keep Jonny and ditch Teale, but my mama didn't raise no fool and SURELY Jonny will be going. The boys what? They throw to a break? Bastards!!
Sidebar; The Lynx chocolate man ad freaks me the fuck out. Although the idea of a boyfriend who tastes like chocolate and can be used as a quick midnight snack where you don't have to get out of bed appeals in theory, in practice it gives me the wiggins.
8.35 Come on guys, I'm missing the start of the last episode of Project Runway Australia. Mathieson babbles about how each week one person will have to go and that's just the way it has to be and we know that. NO! Don't throw to the judges, just tell us. Come on. Who is it?
8.38 First person out is . . . Jonny Taylor (and I totally typed his name before Mathieson read it out because this WAS NO SURPRISE). Teale is emotional about still being in. I have to say that I think Jonny is totally okay with going. He gives props to the eleven left. Mathieson puts on his Journey! face and tells Jonny he's special too.
(Wow. I picked it in last night's recap. I NEVER do that.)
8.40 Awesome! Jonny gets to perform again but BRILLIANTLY he doesn't have to do the song that got him ousted - he can do anything he wants! He kicks a bit of Marvin Gaye and gives us 'Heard It Through The Grapevine' and it's okay. He just so relieved to be done, I think. Bye Jonny!
8.44 Next week is the much rumoured Cyndi Lauper mentored 80's night and G is practically GIDDY about the idea of seeing Cyndi Lauper singing live. He's so adorable.
TallulahBelle out.
7.34 Jonny sings Pearl Jam again. He does practically the whole thing with his eyes closed and his hand on his stomach likes he's about to puke - but keeping his eyes closed is obviously working because he sounds HEAPS better than he did last night. He still has zero stagecraft and doesn't move from the spot he's chosen. He tells G he knew he'd be there and that it's a totally different ballgame to what he does. G punishes him further by sending him back to whatserface where he's a little emotional and she emotes right back at him.
7.37 Sophie gives us the Counting Crows again and I am PISSED she's bottom three and FYI, I understand every bloody word she sings so she's kicking that enunciation thing. She looks straight down the barrel of the camera as she sings "Mister Jones and me, we're going to be big stars". And she's ticked too, man.
7.39 As G runs madly backstage to grab a microphone (and with an ADORABLE smile to the viewers at home), Sophie tells whatserface that she's actually glad she got to do that song again and there is no resting on anyone's laurels as Coulter shoots us straight back to the boys who introduce Teale.
7.40 I don't enjoy his falsetto.
7.41 Really don't enjoy it, that last note SUCKS, he doesn't slide into it effortlessly, he kind of jumps from one note to the other and it's graceless. G mentions something that happened in the press or something and what have I missed? Backstage with whatserface he admits to just trying to enjoy it and relax. She reads jerkily from the autocue.
7.43 Dicko says by and large the public got it right. Kyle says two of them got the second chance right and the third knows who fucked up. The boys will have NONE of that and howl him down, G mockingly noting the 'inspirational words from Sandilands' and Mathieson stuttering that he doesn't know who Kyle's talking about. Man, they hate him. Wait until he calls someone under the age of 21 fat and just watch G's head explode. Marcia thinks last nights show was the best they've had since the very first ep (awww, remember Cosima's sexy performance of 'Hot Stuff'? I think that was when she first grabbed my attention) and G and I kind of agree with her.
7.49 Jonny calls himself a fish out of water in this comp and discusses the disconnect he feels and the boys obviously like him because in previous seasons they have stomped on the throats of contestants who have said that they can't handle that Idol's a covers show, like it was something they didn't know when they auditioned (Matt Corby). In Jonny's interview he says he's on a different level to the others and I think he means that in a totally not up himself way but he's TOTALLY using the wrong words there. He describes himself as dark and comfortable.
7.52 Dicko doesn't want Jonny to compromise who he is but still wants him to the best he can possibly be. He thinks this will be a wake up call and that this process will make him a better performer but dude, he's gone, yeah? He won't be around past tonight and I won't have to bust out his SquarePeg nick. Right? For real, it's totally going to be Jonny.
7.53 Sophie drew the short straw and ended up with whatserface's robotic style of presenting. She asks if she's going to cry like a little girl because she got the audience Wildcard vote and then hit bottom three first up. (fired) Sophie does not smack Coulter upside the head. She instead grits her teeth and admits to being a bit disappointed and then kind of smiles and says 'yeah' like a stoner and promises to do better next time. Is whatserface losing her voice? Because that would be ace.
7.54 Mathieson reminds the audience there is only five minutes left to vote, then makes fun of Teale for picking a Rick frigging Price song. Teale loves Rick, loves his stuff and Mathieson gently reminds him that whilst you have to stay true to yourself, don't you think it's kind of fucking dorky to do a Rick frigging Price song? Only he's a little more diplomatic than that.
7.56 G outs Madam Parker as a Jordin Sparks stalker and that's totally cool because Jordin has an AMAZING voice. Chrislyn's performance of 'Think' got nominated as the Best Idol Moment from last night. Really? Over Mark Spano sexxing up the stage? Okay.
8.01 Mathieson says voting lines are closed and in about twenty minutes we'll get the results. G seques us into Idol HQ and is Mark totally baked or what? He doesn't know what floor they're on. Roshani Priddis shows us the kitchen, Sophie shows us Dimple's bedroom and the stupid tweens scream their fool heads off. Luke Dickens is excited about the lift. Mark is in boardies and is in the pool with The Messiah (who doesn't wear a hat when he swims, good to see) who quickly avoids the cameras, unfortunately they don't avoid poor Mark's slight belly which looks bigger than it is because of the ride of his swimgear. He's humourously horrified but laughs it off. I LOVE him.
8.05 Filler about Roshani and the weird stuff she does getting ready for the show and man, Coulter looks like a freaking GIANT next to her. They show Thanh Bui's performance again and what did we do to you to have that foist upon us again? This is more Thanh than any of us signed up for.
8.07 Filler. Dicko breaking down the difference for Thanh between taking a pop/rock song and turning it into a pop/rnb number that Justin Timberlake wouldn't have touched with a ten foot barge pole FIVE YEARS ago, let alone today. Your arrangment was old, it was lame and it was pimped out like Snoop Dog's ride, kid.
8.10 Filler about the bullshit touchdown, but awesomely Chrislyn Hamilton swearing on national television and promising to go all Celebrity FitClub with Kyle.
8.12 The Mazda ad and The Messiah wearing a stupid hat. I totally need a macro for that. Sophie can't whistle. Sir Denis actually makes an appearance for the first time ever. Ronald McDonald Charity Ball, Wes in a stupid hat, the Top Twelve kicking 'Can You Feel It'.
8.14 Coulter's touching Jordin Sparks. No touch-y!
8.18 Jordin sings 'No Air'. Huh. Maybe it's the Idol mikes or something or maybe she's just been touring so long and her voice is a little scratchy because she doesn't sound as brilliant as I would have thought. She has some nice notes but she's straining to hit them. And lady is smokin' hot and hey, she's doing AusIdol, that's nice - it's not like we ever got Kelly Clarkson here. Although if we did, I'd have an excited freakout 'cause that lady got PIPES.
8.23 G mistakenly tells Jordin she was in the bottom three in the US version. She giggles and says nu-uh and she's helpless in the face of the G. Mathieson wants a bit of the action and says "as if this bird would ever be in the bottom three" and gets all ocker about where she's going to store her block mounted Platinum Record thingy and she's girlishly confused. It's hellishly cute.
8.29 G goes through everything the judges said last night. Blergh. FILL. ER. First safe person is Sophie. Excellent. I'm okay with either of the guys going but I'd prefer to keep Jonny and ditch Teale, but my mama didn't raise no fool and SURELY Jonny will be going. The boys what? They throw to a break? Bastards!!
Sidebar; The Lynx chocolate man ad freaks me the fuck out. Although the idea of a boyfriend who tastes like chocolate and can be used as a quick midnight snack where you don't have to get out of bed appeals in theory, in practice it gives me the wiggins.
8.35 Come on guys, I'm missing the start of the last episode of Project Runway Australia. Mathieson babbles about how each week one person will have to go and that's just the way it has to be and we know that. NO! Don't throw to the judges, just tell us. Come on. Who is it?
8.38 First person out is . . . Jonny Taylor (and I totally typed his name before Mathieson read it out because this WAS NO SURPRISE). Teale is emotional about still being in. I have to say that I think Jonny is totally okay with going. He gives props to the eleven left. Mathieson puts on his Journey! face and tells Jonny he's special too.
(Wow. I picked it in last night's recap. I NEVER do that.)
8.40 Awesome! Jonny gets to perform again but BRILLIANTLY he doesn't have to do the song that got him ousted - he can do anything he wants! He kicks a bit of Marvin Gaye and gives us 'Heard It Through The Grapevine' and it's okay. He just so relieved to be done, I think. Bye Jonny!
8.44 Next week is the much rumoured Cyndi Lauper mentored 80's night and G is practically GIDDY about the idea of seeing Cyndi Lauper singing live. He's so adorable.
TallulahBelle out.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Because the themes they choose are LAME.
Top Twelve kids! I've come home from a matinee performance in time to see the last three performers and to query with Fosse why the judges are talking in Kyle/Dicko/Marcia order and he doesn't know, he's just excited beyond BELIEF that there's no Holden because that means that he doesn't have to listen to me SCREECHING at the television screen anymore. And then Kyle gives Chrislyn a motherfucking Touchdown and Fosse has to listen to me screeching at the television because I WAS PROMISED NO TOUCHDOWNS THIS SEASON. Egregious and flagrant disregard of the rules, Sandilands, that's at least a yellow card. Fosse sighs and chugs back some antacid. It's how he knows Idol has truly started, when his ulcer kicks in and the vein at his temple starts throbbing.
The boys look HOT. Coulter continues to try and make the show All About Her, all "ohmigod, you guys, do you totally remember when I was on the show because I do and I remember when I came out and I was so excited I was crying and Marcia had to mother hen me" and really, Fosse, you better stock up on the antacid because Holden may be gone but whatserface is going to be screeched at fairly regularly. I'm required to tell him when that type of thing is going to happen, kind of like the Government Warning on packs of cigarettes, only I don't cause peripheral vascular disease or clog your ateries. I think.
Tonights Idol Theme is L A M E. Idol's Idols? Really? Why don't you just call it Contestants Choice . . . again . . . and be done with it? Well, I've been prepared for this, kids - and in the last month I've been putting together some themes that I think just might be a little more interesting. To me, at least. So tonight we're opening with Songs From TV Shows That TallulahBelle Really Likes. It's a niche theme.
For Wes Carr, I would have chosen Paul McCartney's 'Baby, I'm Amazed' which featured in the episode of The Simpsons; 'Lisa The Vegetarian' - remember the flying pig? "It's still good, it's still good!" Oh, Homer. It's a great song and requires a good mid and higher range. I think The Messiah would have knocked it out of the park. But his own choice of U2's 'Beautiful Day' is good, although his choice of headgear is not - seriously, do we need to instigate a Hat Watch on this kid? Didn't we have enough of this with the Daniel Mehsdud Scarf Watch last season? There are at least three different hats in his intro package (FYI - awesome parents, again, just once I'd like to see an Idol with mean parents, parents who throw things at them or deride their talent - all "oh yes, he always said he'd be a singer but I've heard him in the shower, he can't sing for shit, he's wasting his time so get the fuck out of my living room and take his ABBA CD collection and block mounted Village People poster with you") and then he's wearing an entirely new hat whilst he performs. Fosse dubs him The Cat In The Hat and I think the guys at TWoP already came up with that one. I'm sticking with The Messiah. He starts off at the baby grand in the middle of the stage and unless he's going to get up on top of that sucker - and I don't see The Gauc's stairs beside it - or play the whole song at the piano, it's unnecessary - and let's not waste the stagehand's time by making them drag a piano on and off stage, shall we? When he jumps up and makes his way to the front of the stage, he bobs and reaches out beseechingly to the audience in very much the manner of Bono. It's a bit twitchy but sung quite well and nicely arranged. He should still seriously think about singing 'Baby, I'm Amazed', I think it would suit him perfectly.
Dicko calls it a terrific start to the night, loves his intensity and voice but gets right to the heart of the matter and calls him out on the piano. Wes wanted to show his diversity and challenge himself. By playing a tenth of the song? Meh. That doesn't sit entirely well with me. Play it all or don't do it, all or nothing Messiah! Dicko tells him not to peak too soon and calls the piano gratuitous and tryhard - amen, brother Dicko! Marcia babbles about it being his birthday and something about tempo and the crowd loves that and I'm just too concerned about her hair. Is it on straight or is it just riding too low across her forehead? And her hair has been so good this season up to this point. Kyle asks if he's going to be the Hat Dude and if we're going to see him without a hat and it's about time someone asked Wes this critical and important question, because really, if it wasn't for the flowing jesus locks, would we even know if he had hair at all? Not that that's relevant to his ability to be Aus Idol, but still. These things are important. From a judging point of view, Kyle calls it a cracking start. Wes fiddles with his ear piece when the boys come over to chat to him - unfortunately this is not a euphemism for anything. G's hair is looking especially darling tonight.
Tom Williamson is sweet but I just can't stand to listen to his version of Aerosmith's 'Don't Want To Miss A Thing'. It's just a little . . . school assembly. It's badly off kilter and he seriously misjudges some of the notes, missing them entirely. One of my favourite episodes of The West Wing is 'Noel' from Season Two, it's the Christmas episode and Yo Yo Ma performs Bach's Cello Suite in G Major in the foyer. It's a beautiful piece of music and the best thing about it? There are no words. So let's all pretend that Dimples 'sang' Bach's Cello Suite in G Major and give him this one to grow on. Hopefully by next week - because you know the tweenies and their prepaid mobiles ain't letting him go anywhere - his voice will have broken properly.
Mother Marcia tells him she's going to call him Thomas - only if he can call you Brown Sugar, Marcia, fair's fair. She notes that the idiot tweens who loved Matt Corby last year are back - again - and that this year his poster will adorn their walls. You know, when I was young, I put Neil Finn and David Bowie on my walls. Aim HIGHER, young girls. She tells him to watch his pitch and . . . yeah, he should totally do that. Kyle makes an Armageddon joke, calls Dimples cute as a button and tells him not to aim too high but is pleased he's there. Of course you're pleased, this kid is likely to bring in a TON of cash from the tween voting bloc. It makes the world go 'round, you know. Dicko tells him the big monster ballads don't always suit his voice and then dogs the top he's wearing. It's the kind of thing that would have looked ACE on Moppet last season but which makes Tom look like a cross between the lead singer from Panic! At The Disco (which may have been his aim) and Gonzo from The Muppets (which I'm guessing wouldn't have been. If he's even heard of The Muppets. Is that possible? Do kids these days not know The Muppets? A few weeks ago a contestant on Project Runway US didn't get a Sergeant Pepper's reference that Tim Gunn made. It saddened me greatly.)
I feel like we're going to hear every week that teeeny tiny Roshani Priddis is adopted so she gets the theme song from Roswell by Dido, 'Here With Me', because the three main characters were alien-human hybrid toddlers and they were adopted by standard human people and I had the BIGGEST crush on Brendan Fehr in this show. And also Majandra Delfino a little. But not Shiri Appleby. It drove me nuts the way she couldn't say 'thing' and it always came out as 'think'. Hate that. Anyway, love the theme song, love Dido and those of us who were Roswell fans (read; freaks who stayed up until stupid hours of the night to watch episodes because Australian tv hates science fiction, even when said scifi is hidden inside what ended up being a strange pastiche of Sweet Valley High and Sailor Moon) found out who Dido was LONG before Eminem catapulted her to fame and continuous play on easy listening radio stations. Plus I think Roshani would rock the HELL out of this song. Instead she's singing Joss Stone's 'Tell Me About It' . . . which . . . yeah, that might work. Roshani gets her very cute arse over to the backup singers and grooves with them (and I like that the bv's are out in front of the band like that this season) and she's right, this is a much better choice of song for her. I'm steadfastly avoiding referring to her as a pocket rocket but I really REALLY want to. She's adorable. And wee. Her singing is pretty darn good.
Marcia congratulates her on creating magic and looking dynamite. Kyle likes her look as well but wants to know why she chose an obscure Joss Stone number - and really Kyle, you make me so sad. I could almost just find a post from last year and copy and paste this argument; if you give them the option of - what is essentially - Contestant Choice, you can NOT then pick on the song they CHOOSE to do. You have abdicated all opportunity to bitch if you have not given them a specific theme to go from. Shut it, Kyle. He still thinks it was perfect. Dicko tells her she's really beginning to motor and that it was a terrific, confident performance and perfect song choice and then calls her sexual chocolate again. She barely reaches Mathieson's shoulder as he flirtingly plays with her ear piece. Still not a euphimism. Although Mathieson could play with my ear piece ANY day.
Teale Jakubenko's parents do not throw rotten fruit at him as he plays guitar and sings at some local eatery. No, they are in fact - again - quite awesome. But I'm deducting points from their parental awesomeness for allowing their son to think that performing Rick Price's 'Walk Away Renee' would be a good idea. This is a boring boring BORING song and Teale, if I have to tell you every frigging week that your higher range is not as good as you think it is, I'm going to get bored very very quickly. So you get the first of two songs featured on Scrubs, The Fray's 'How To Save A Life' which was in the episode 'My Lunch' when Dr Cox loses three patients all at the one time because the organs they get were 'bad' and I'm just going to go and youtube that part of the ep while you finish up singing, okay? Let me know when he's done.
Kyle was worried he was going to trip up on the higher notes but thought he sailed through it. Eh, we disagree on that but I've been spoiled by my love of the Irish Falsetto. Dicko calls it odd song choice (*nods*) and says he's grown already with his singing but thinks he still needs confidence. Marica's worked with Rick Price and his falsetto and thinks Teale did them proud. G and Mathieson do not flirt with Teale in the slightest and are actually a tad standoffish with him. There's no touching to be seen. Huh. Mathieson is usually very touchy. Maybe whatserface Coulter called dibs on Teale.
Sidebar; does it feel like Wall-e's been 'coming to a cinema near you soon' forEVER?
One of my favourite Buffy The Vampire Slayer episodes is Season Six's 'Tabula Rasa', when Willow puts a spell on Buffy and Tara to make them forget that they were a) pulled out of heaven in a misguided attempt by their friends to save them from a demon dimension and b) leaving Willow because she's using too much magic (respectively), but it accidentally makes them ALL forget (leading Anya and Giles to think they're engaged. There's a kiss. And lots and lots of bunnies!) and nearly gets them killed by a loanshark (hilariously? Really a shark headed creature - oh, those kids at Mutant Enemy, brilliant) who Spike owes some kittens to. It all makes sense in the Buffyverse, I promise. Anyway, Tara leaves Willow for proper and good at the end of the episode and Michelle Branch plays 'Goodbye To You' at The Bronze over the sequence of packing and leaving and Willow crying in the bathroom (and Buffy kissing Spike) that follows. It's heartbreakingly sad and brilliantly acted by Alyson Hannigan (who really should have won at least a Golden Globe for Season Six. Stupid Foreign Press) and is a great song. I think Sophie Paterson and her strange enunciation would suit that song down to a tee. Instead she's doing Counting Crows 'Me and Mr Jones'. Meh. If she's going to do a song from August And Everything After she should have gone with 'Round Here'. It sounds good and is a nice enough arrangement but she kind of meanders around the stage a bit. I'm disappointed. How are the judges?
Dicko thinks slow, sexy and moody is more her kind of song and see! 'Round Here' or 'Goodbye To You' would have been PERFECT. Let me choose their songs, Dicko! I can do it, I CAN!! He tells her that her teeth get in the way of her vocal dexterity and that her enunciation can be a little slovenly and for real, Dicko just said 'vocal dexterity' and 'slovenly'. Fuck, I ADORE him. *pins her Dicko Appreciation Fan Club President button to her pjs* Marcia tells her that if that's how she sings then she needs to find 'clearer articulation'. Dicko's rubbing off on her! Not like that, ewwwww. Marcia hates what she's wearing. Really hates it. Kyle actually likes what she's wearing and compliments her body and asks if she used to be a redhead and as someone who is currently a redhead and who is FRIGGING LOVING IT, I say shut up Kyle, 'rangas rule! G very studiously does not lay a hand on the hot blonde standing next to him - you can almost see him mentally reminding himself he's married now . . .
I think Luke Dicken's naturally gravelly voice would actually really suit Alabama3's song (and the theme to The Soprano's) 'Woke Up This Morning'. It's deep, it's violent sounding, it's strangely sexy, it's the kind of song that might creep up on you in a darkened alley and mug you whilst whispering husky sweet nothings in your ear. Then you'd turn around and see it's bizarre facial hair and give it all your money to go away. It's better than hearing Luke's Joe Cocker impersonation again as he sings 'Feeling Alright', even if it is a very good impersonation. I still strangely like Luke's voice. I am all astonishment he got Wildcarded through but here he is and he is not even close to being bad. Or even mediocre. He's actually quite good and looks only slightly uncomfortable on stage. I don't know 100% where I stand on him. He's got me all confused and dumsquizzled. I'm totally Statler and Waldorfing on him. I start off hating him but by the end of the song he has me liking him. Damn him!
Marcia loved that he was up there moving and says he did the 'white boy thing'. Which means he puts his top row of teeth over his bottom lip and shuffles gracelessly in an out of time boxed two step, yeah? Marcia loves that he's taking this all so seriously - and his earnestness does seem very sincere. Kyle says that was the best he's seen him and gives him ten out of ten. Dicko tells him he's getting better and better and loves the song choice but wants the facial hair GONE. Luke doesn't know how to respond to the Mathieson patented flirt. I do! Flirt with me Mathieson!
If Brooke Addamo wants to be Queen of the Ballads, then she should sing Sarah McLachlan's 'Full of Grace', which appeared in the penultimate episode of Due South 'Call Of The Wild Part I' when Ray V (the real Ray) gets shot. I cried. He ends up being okay, but it's just so sad because Ray's been gone for like two whole seasons (he had to go deep undercover with the Mob, so Fraser got another partner who pretended to be Ray but he wasn't Ray and I called him Not!Ray the whole time he was on., even though he was WAY sexier than Actual!Ray, but I was totally in love with Benny - oh, Paul Gross, where ARE you? Then Not!Ray actor Callum Keith Rennie turned up on Battlestar Galactica as Cylon Leoben Conoy and I totally fell in love with him and forgave him for being Not!Ray. I'm easy that way) and then the episode he gets back, he gets shot?! And they play Sarah McLachlan over the top as it happens and he gets taken to hospital? Holy crap, is he going to die???? (Again, he was okay. But I was concerned for a while there, I must tell you.) 'Full of Grace' is a GREAT song and not overused the way some other Sarah songs are and is therefore totally acceptable. Not that a bit of Natasha Bedingfield doesn't rock completely and 'These Words' is a great song. Also Brooke? Your mother is A FOX. She's gorgeous - those are some good genes to have, nice. She doesn't sing this as 'perfectly' as she could but DAMN she's just joyous up there - it's like having Jess Mauboy back, an explosion of joy and cute and fine singing on stage. Yay for her!
Kyle says maybe she should have sung a ballad and then gets cranky when the audience tells him to fuck off. He talks about the difficulty of the song (it is a tough one, the key fluctuates all over the place, but she did okay with that). Dicko was thrilled with it and thought she did a great job and wants to see her carry on with some more up tempo stuff and calls it a joyous performance - I thump Fosse on the arm and crow about how I just said that, didn't I just say that, Dicko and I are on the same wavelength!! He rolls his eyes - he's going to strain something, I'm telling you. Marcia gives props to the pretty that is MamaBrooke and then says she thinks Brooke did that very well. Brooke has G standing next to her and does not throw herself into his arms. Huh. Maybe his wife is backstage with a very big baseball bat and her angry face on. I bet she shows up to every show with a lifesize Andrew G cardboard cutout and gives a 'no touch-y' demonstration to the Idol's, complete with hospital insurance forms (any and all accidental groping will lead to grevious bodily harm. It's what I would do if G was my husband. Gotta protect the merchandise and he's too pretty to be let out on his own. I mean, yeah, he's totally got that thing with Mathieson but that's okay, it's Mathieson. You can't separate those two, it would be cruel.)
Whilst I don't like Thanh Bui's style of singing, his parents win Best Parents of the night, mostly for Thanh's impersonation of them doing karaoke at two in the morning, which is hilarious. The second Scrubs song of the night is Colin Hay's 'Overkill' from the episode 'My Overkill' and basically Colin took one of his songs from his time with Men At Work and turned into this gorgeous acoustic number, stripped it down, made it simple and beautiful and about the lyric and the melody. That's what I want to see Thanh do. Instead of oversinging Maroon 5's 'This Love' in the painful manner he does - thank GOD this song doesn't feature too much of Adam Levine's hot hot HOT falsetto - and boybanding it all over the stage. I shake my head and call him The New And Not So Improved Callea and Fosse can't answer because he's frontal lobe deep in the middle of a post traumatic stress disorder flashback to Disco Night and Callea singing 'Car Wash'. I slap him a few times and fetch him a Xanax, a paper bag, tell him to put his head between his knees and remind him that he didn't hate Callea in Wicked when he saw it this weekend so TNaNSICallea may not be the end of the world and he can leave the room next time he sings if he's still around and he needs to breathe because that purple colour can't be good and should I be able to see those veins??
Kyle says that for such a fine singer that was like something out of an Adam Sandler comedy and then mixes up his annoying American comedians by calling it the Idol version of Blue Steel, which dude, that's not Sandler, that's Stiller, god. He says the arrangement was dodge and that his skipping around stage was poxy and says he's better than that. Dicko didn't like it either and says he needs to keep it simple, it was tripped up and overcomplicated for no benefit and didn't work. Strip it back, dude. Someone lend him Season Two of Scrubs on DVD and tell him to pay particular attention to the first episode. Thanh tries to explain and Marcia immediately gets all 'no apologies, dude' on him. She says he has an amazing voice and he needs to pull it out and show it. He's lovely and he's trying so very hard. Keep it simple, Thanh, that's my advice.
Following is a spoiler for the last episode of Quantum Leap, avoid if you haven't seen it and want to. Although, dude, that episode is like fifteen years old now, so how far behind are you? Have you seen the finale of Mork and Mindy yet? What about M*A*S*H? PS Hawkeye goes home, sorry if that ruins it for you.
One of my all time favourite songs is 'Georgia' by Ray Charles, which appeared in a couple of different episodes of Quantum Leap (it was Al and Beth's song) but which I remember most from the series final 'Mirror Image' when Dr Sam Beckett (oh, Scott Bakula, how I loved thee. Even your robotic work on Star Trek:Enterprise can not ruin that, especially as you do get topless in a significant amount of episodes, and you know, I always LOVED your back . . . ) leaps to save Al and Beth's marriage and consequently continues leaping forEVER and never makes it home. God. That episode just about killed me. When they flash up the end title card that says Sam never returned home? They showed that episode at midnight here and I cried so much and so loudly I woke my dad up. Shut up. It's a great episode from a great show and is a fantastic song and when I asked Fosse how awesome he thought Madam Parker would sound singing 'Georgia', he almost cried with happiness (but that may have been more about the fact that Thanh Bui wasn't onscreen anymore, come to think of it). She should put that aside for future consideration as her performance of Neo's 'Closer' is pretty damn fine. She prowls around the stage (and both Fosse and I think she looks HOT, we love her hair all curled like that) and she sounds great. Shaneequa is still getting too much of an EmilyTheColdlyAnointedOne vibe but I've totally moved past that with Madam. Although her name still makes me go all Best Little Whorehouse In Texas but I figure that's my problem, not hers.
The judges applaud madly and the crowd goes frigging nuts. Dicko says she won't talk to him backstage and he knows why now, she's doing all her talking on stage. He loves that she commits physically to her songs as well and thinks she's 'gold'. Marcia knows Madam's 'peeps' are proud of her and says fantastic a couple of times. I think she liked it. Kyle tries to fake us out that he didn't like it, but we already saw you applauding. Knob. Mathieson tells her she smashed it out of the park. I think he totally has a crush on her! Awwwww.
Jonny Taylor has me in a quandry. I have two songs left that would suit male contestants and unfortunately one of them HAS to go to Mark Spano which means that the other one has to go to Jonny but I don't think it will work for him. Season Two of the new Doctor Who has a very funny episode called 'Love And Monsters' in which a group of people hunting for information on The Doctor instead end up forming a sort of ELO tribute band - honestly, you have to see it to truly get how brilliant it is - and Elton, the narrator of the episode, jumps around his bedroom to ELO's 'Mr Blue Sky'. It's just such a bizarre thing to crop up in a DW ep and I guess Jonny is a bizarre contestant to crop up in Aus Idol, so that kind of works . . . he'd put a nice gothic spin on the lyrics, wouldn't he - "but soon comes Mr Night, creeping over, now his hand is on your shoulder". Ooh, I just gave myself the willies. It would have to be better than Pearl Jam's 'Better Man', which caused me to text Red and Shaneequa to query if either of them knew that Eddie Vedder was a contestant on Idol this season because man, he sounds like Vedder, only with less reverb. And he just looks so freaking nervous and he does not have the slightest clue what to do on stage. Oh, I wish they would let him do his own songs each week. But I don't know if that's going to be a problem for very long, I'd lay odds that he might be first to go . . .
Marcia can see the relief on his face that it's over. She tells him he needs to learn to work his nerves and not let them work him. Kyle totally enjoyed that but couldn't get over the string section 'cutting loose' to Pearl Jam and Jonny's enunciating of 'can't'. Really? You didn't have an issue with the flatness of his singing, his complete lack of stagecraft and obvious square pegness? If Jonny makes it past tomorrow night, his nickname is totally SquarePeg. Dicko had the great fortune of working with Pearl Jam and pause the tape! It's our first Dicko Name Drop of the season! Fosse and I applaud loudly and nod approvingly. He's very attached to the band and Eddie in particular and screams that song out in his car two or three times a week and whilst he knows he ain't as tuneful as Jonny (oh, I wouldn't know about that Dicko) it's just such an outburst - which Pearl Jam songs are and Jonny needs to use his intensity to get that across. Jonny mentions being naked up on stage and G smirks about being on the wrong show - and yes, if there's a show we can get G on where he will be naked, I am ALL for that. I'll just need to avoid his wife and her big bat of Don't Look Or Touch The G.
Thank JESUS there are only two left. God. Why are they allowing whatserface Coulter to interview the contestants and maintain control over the microphone? It means the contestants can't talk unless she lets them and she ain't letting them . . .
Okay so Brandi Carlile's 'The Story' didn't actually appear in an episode of Grey's Anatomy, they showed it at the end of an episode (or possibly the start, I don't remember) with a special video clip of as a kind of 'previously on'. Anyway, the song was so outstandingly awesome that I bought the CD without hearing another song on the damn thing. I've done that before; see the theme music to Angel and Darling Violetta's entire back catalogue. Then see my CD collection. Thank god for iTunes and being able to get just one song now instead of forking out for the whole CD and eleven other songs that may not be as good. Anyway, great song, GREAT vocal range and strength required and little miss Chrislyn Hamilton could probably belt it out standing on her head. It's a gorgeous ballad and the best bit? It isn't Aretha Franklin. I get that she's all about the big belty numbers and that this week is Idol's Idols but it's time to move on from Aretha. Although her performance of Dame Franklin's 'Think' is pretty freaking ace. It's peppy, it's rocking, it's BIG and it will keep her in the competition. I still want to see her get subtle a little. Shaneequa texts that she's got a good voice but she's too screechy. I'd actually pay that on a second viewing.
She gets a standing ovation from most of the crowd and two of the three judges. Dicko sits down and attempts to quiet the crowd. He says that there have been queries about the age limit being set at 18 and that she's just answered that . . . and . . . whilst yes, she is very good for her age, Dicko may I remind you of Tom's performance? He is a PRIME example of 16 being too young. And it's not like she would be less good if she waited a whole 'nother freaking year to audition, so shush and talk about her singing. On a more serious note, he does tell her that she needs to get fitter because she's out of breath from the very fast song and the jumpin' around the stage. Marcia thinks she is absolutely brilliant. Girlfriend. Kyle earns my absolute wrath and gives her a touchdown. Alright, firstly, no. And secondly, NO. Do NOT do that again Sandilands, I fucking mean it. Mathieson notes that Holden's lawyers are on the phone. As are mine, Sandilands. Cease and motherfucking desist, dude.
I'm in love with Mark Spano. There, I said it. I like him more than I like The Messiah. He's totally laid back in front of the camera when he's being interviewed by whatserface, he misses his cats and he's got the BIGGEST freaking neck I've seen that isn't on a rugby field. As my latest love, I'm giving him a song I associate with my other latest love, Dean Winchester and his love, his Chevy Impala. In the pilot of Supernatural, Dean yanks his little brother Sam out of college and they go a'hunting for Papa Winchester who has been missing for a spell. Cut to the open road, a cresting hill and a gorgeous black beast better known as the Metallicar, who rolls on to the screen to the fantastic opening guitar riff of AC/DC's 'Back In Black'. Cue screaming vocals and re-initiate love affair with AC/DC. It's so incredibly sexy, I can't even tell you. I was watching this on Fosse's little portable DVD player when I was flying home to Perth for a visit and I rewatched that scene three times on the plane and then played it on Mum and Dad's big ass cinema sized tv the next day to really let it sink in. Plus; Jensen Ackles + big ass cinema sized tv = freckle-y hot goodness. (I just giggled inanely. I am SO besotted with that man.) God. I was never really a fan of INXS, but like the Metallicar makes me love AC/DC, Mark Spano and his rendition of 'Never Tear Us Apart' works every girly bit I have. I text Red and Shaneequa to let them know that I just had sex with Mark Spano. Sweet jesus. It is one very hot, very well sung number and a brilliant end to a not bad show. Except for you Tom. And Thanh. And Jonny. Sorry guys.
Marcia says one of the most important things for a performer to do is walk out on stage with purpose and 'baby, you got that'. Hey! Hands off, Brown Sugar. Really well done and she tells him he just really knows what to sing - and yeah, his song choice has been pretty damn good, even when it's not a song I like, he freaking nails it to the wall. Mark fiddles with the ear piece that he yanked out halfway through his song and seriously, is there something going on with them because so many of the contestants have been playing with the damn things. Somebody get on that, will you? Thanks. Kyle wanted it to keep going and yeah, he could have totally kept singing. Dicko says it was masculine, sexy and dangerous and it is NICE to have a male performer who is just so very male. He's a total rock star. Man. (Sorry Messiah. Don't wear a hat next week and we'll talk about popping you back into the top slot.)
Bottom three should be all boys - Jonny, Tom, Thanh. Maybe Teale. But don't be hugely surprised to see Roshani or maybe Brooke in there - not that they should, but they didn't have as memorable performances as the other girls did. Shut UP Ricki Lee. God, she KEEPS talking, please SHUT UP. Fired, so fired. New Monday night format means there may be fathoms less filler, which can only be good, right? See you then . . .
TallulahBelle out.
The boys look HOT. Coulter continues to try and make the show All About Her, all "ohmigod, you guys, do you totally remember when I was on the show because I do and I remember when I came out and I was so excited I was crying and Marcia had to mother hen me" and really, Fosse, you better stock up on the antacid because Holden may be gone but whatserface is going to be screeched at fairly regularly. I'm required to tell him when that type of thing is going to happen, kind of like the Government Warning on packs of cigarettes, only I don't cause peripheral vascular disease or clog your ateries. I think.
Tonights Idol Theme is L A M E. Idol's Idols? Really? Why don't you just call it Contestants Choice . . . again . . . and be done with it? Well, I've been prepared for this, kids - and in the last month I've been putting together some themes that I think just might be a little more interesting. To me, at least. So tonight we're opening with Songs From TV Shows That TallulahBelle Really Likes. It's a niche theme.
For Wes Carr, I would have chosen Paul McCartney's 'Baby, I'm Amazed' which featured in the episode of The Simpsons; 'Lisa The Vegetarian' - remember the flying pig? "It's still good, it's still good!" Oh, Homer. It's a great song and requires a good mid and higher range. I think The Messiah would have knocked it out of the park. But his own choice of U2's 'Beautiful Day' is good, although his choice of headgear is not - seriously, do we need to instigate a Hat Watch on this kid? Didn't we have enough of this with the Daniel Mehsdud Scarf Watch last season? There are at least three different hats in his intro package (FYI - awesome parents, again, just once I'd like to see an Idol with mean parents, parents who throw things at them or deride their talent - all "oh yes, he always said he'd be a singer but I've heard him in the shower, he can't sing for shit, he's wasting his time so get the fuck out of my living room and take his ABBA CD collection and block mounted Village People poster with you") and then he's wearing an entirely new hat whilst he performs. Fosse dubs him The Cat In The Hat and I think the guys at TWoP already came up with that one. I'm sticking with The Messiah. He starts off at the baby grand in the middle of the stage and unless he's going to get up on top of that sucker - and I don't see The Gauc's stairs beside it - or play the whole song at the piano, it's unnecessary - and let's not waste the stagehand's time by making them drag a piano on and off stage, shall we? When he jumps up and makes his way to the front of the stage, he bobs and reaches out beseechingly to the audience in very much the manner of Bono. It's a bit twitchy but sung quite well and nicely arranged. He should still seriously think about singing 'Baby, I'm Amazed', I think it would suit him perfectly.
Dicko calls it a terrific start to the night, loves his intensity and voice but gets right to the heart of the matter and calls him out on the piano. Wes wanted to show his diversity and challenge himself. By playing a tenth of the song? Meh. That doesn't sit entirely well with me. Play it all or don't do it, all or nothing Messiah! Dicko tells him not to peak too soon and calls the piano gratuitous and tryhard - amen, brother Dicko! Marcia babbles about it being his birthday and something about tempo and the crowd loves that and I'm just too concerned about her hair. Is it on straight or is it just riding too low across her forehead? And her hair has been so good this season up to this point. Kyle asks if he's going to be the Hat Dude and if we're going to see him without a hat and it's about time someone asked Wes this critical and important question, because really, if it wasn't for the flowing jesus locks, would we even know if he had hair at all? Not that that's relevant to his ability to be Aus Idol, but still. These things are important. From a judging point of view, Kyle calls it a cracking start. Wes fiddles with his ear piece when the boys come over to chat to him - unfortunately this is not a euphemism for anything. G's hair is looking especially darling tonight.
Tom Williamson is sweet but I just can't stand to listen to his version of Aerosmith's 'Don't Want To Miss A Thing'. It's just a little . . . school assembly. It's badly off kilter and he seriously misjudges some of the notes, missing them entirely. One of my favourite episodes of The West Wing is 'Noel' from Season Two, it's the Christmas episode and Yo Yo Ma performs Bach's Cello Suite in G Major in the foyer. It's a beautiful piece of music and the best thing about it? There are no words. So let's all pretend that Dimples 'sang' Bach's Cello Suite in G Major and give him this one to grow on. Hopefully by next week - because you know the tweenies and their prepaid mobiles ain't letting him go anywhere - his voice will have broken properly.
Mother Marcia tells him she's going to call him Thomas - only if he can call you Brown Sugar, Marcia, fair's fair. She notes that the idiot tweens who loved Matt Corby last year are back - again - and that this year his poster will adorn their walls. You know, when I was young, I put Neil Finn and David Bowie on my walls. Aim HIGHER, young girls. She tells him to watch his pitch and . . . yeah, he should totally do that. Kyle makes an Armageddon joke, calls Dimples cute as a button and tells him not to aim too high but is pleased he's there. Of course you're pleased, this kid is likely to bring in a TON of cash from the tween voting bloc. It makes the world go 'round, you know. Dicko tells him the big monster ballads don't always suit his voice and then dogs the top he's wearing. It's the kind of thing that would have looked ACE on Moppet last season but which makes Tom look like a cross between the lead singer from Panic! At The Disco (which may have been his aim) and Gonzo from The Muppets (which I'm guessing wouldn't have been. If he's even heard of The Muppets. Is that possible? Do kids these days not know The Muppets? A few weeks ago a contestant on Project Runway US didn't get a Sergeant Pepper's reference that Tim Gunn made. It saddened me greatly.)
I feel like we're going to hear every week that teeeny tiny Roshani Priddis is adopted so she gets the theme song from Roswell by Dido, 'Here With Me', because the three main characters were alien-human hybrid toddlers and they were adopted by standard human people and I had the BIGGEST crush on Brendan Fehr in this show. And also Majandra Delfino a little. But not Shiri Appleby. It drove me nuts the way she couldn't say 'thing' and it always came out as 'think'. Hate that. Anyway, love the theme song, love Dido and those of us who were Roswell fans (read; freaks who stayed up until stupid hours of the night to watch episodes because Australian tv hates science fiction, even when said scifi is hidden inside what ended up being a strange pastiche of Sweet Valley High and Sailor Moon) found out who Dido was LONG before Eminem catapulted her to fame and continuous play on easy listening radio stations. Plus I think Roshani would rock the HELL out of this song. Instead she's singing Joss Stone's 'Tell Me About It' . . . which . . . yeah, that might work. Roshani gets her very cute arse over to the backup singers and grooves with them (and I like that the bv's are out in front of the band like that this season) and she's right, this is a much better choice of song for her. I'm steadfastly avoiding referring to her as a pocket rocket but I really REALLY want to. She's adorable. And wee. Her singing is pretty darn good.
Marcia congratulates her on creating magic and looking dynamite. Kyle likes her look as well but wants to know why she chose an obscure Joss Stone number - and really Kyle, you make me so sad. I could almost just find a post from last year and copy and paste this argument; if you give them the option of - what is essentially - Contestant Choice, you can NOT then pick on the song they CHOOSE to do. You have abdicated all opportunity to bitch if you have not given them a specific theme to go from. Shut it, Kyle. He still thinks it was perfect. Dicko tells her she's really beginning to motor and that it was a terrific, confident performance and perfect song choice and then calls her sexual chocolate again. She barely reaches Mathieson's shoulder as he flirtingly plays with her ear piece. Still not a euphimism. Although Mathieson could play with my ear piece ANY day.
Teale Jakubenko's parents do not throw rotten fruit at him as he plays guitar and sings at some local eatery. No, they are in fact - again - quite awesome. But I'm deducting points from their parental awesomeness for allowing their son to think that performing Rick Price's 'Walk Away Renee' would be a good idea. This is a boring boring BORING song and Teale, if I have to tell you every frigging week that your higher range is not as good as you think it is, I'm going to get bored very very quickly. So you get the first of two songs featured on Scrubs, The Fray's 'How To Save A Life' which was in the episode 'My Lunch' when Dr Cox loses three patients all at the one time because the organs they get were 'bad' and I'm just going to go and youtube that part of the ep while you finish up singing, okay? Let me know when he's done.
Kyle was worried he was going to trip up on the higher notes but thought he sailed through it. Eh, we disagree on that but I've been spoiled by my love of the Irish Falsetto. Dicko calls it odd song choice (*nods*) and says he's grown already with his singing but thinks he still needs confidence. Marica's worked with Rick Price and his falsetto and thinks Teale did them proud. G and Mathieson do not flirt with Teale in the slightest and are actually a tad standoffish with him. There's no touching to be seen. Huh. Mathieson is usually very touchy. Maybe whatserface Coulter called dibs on Teale.
Sidebar; does it feel like Wall-e's been 'coming to a cinema near you soon' forEVER?
One of my favourite Buffy The Vampire Slayer episodes is Season Six's 'Tabula Rasa', when Willow puts a spell on Buffy and Tara to make them forget that they were a) pulled out of heaven in a misguided attempt by their friends to save them from a demon dimension and b) leaving Willow because she's using too much magic (respectively), but it accidentally makes them ALL forget (leading Anya and Giles to think they're engaged. There's a kiss. And lots and lots of bunnies!) and nearly gets them killed by a loanshark (hilariously? Really a shark headed creature - oh, those kids at Mutant Enemy, brilliant) who Spike owes some kittens to. It all makes sense in the Buffyverse, I promise. Anyway, Tara leaves Willow for proper and good at the end of the episode and Michelle Branch plays 'Goodbye To You' at The Bronze over the sequence of packing and leaving and Willow crying in the bathroom (and Buffy kissing Spike) that follows. It's heartbreakingly sad and brilliantly acted by Alyson Hannigan (who really should have won at least a Golden Globe for Season Six. Stupid Foreign Press) and is a great song. I think Sophie Paterson and her strange enunciation would suit that song down to a tee. Instead she's doing Counting Crows 'Me and Mr Jones'. Meh. If she's going to do a song from August And Everything After she should have gone with 'Round Here'. It sounds good and is a nice enough arrangement but she kind of meanders around the stage a bit. I'm disappointed. How are the judges?
Dicko thinks slow, sexy and moody is more her kind of song and see! 'Round Here' or 'Goodbye To You' would have been PERFECT. Let me choose their songs, Dicko! I can do it, I CAN!! He tells her that her teeth get in the way of her vocal dexterity and that her enunciation can be a little slovenly and for real, Dicko just said 'vocal dexterity' and 'slovenly'. Fuck, I ADORE him. *pins her Dicko Appreciation Fan Club President button to her pjs* Marcia tells her that if that's how she sings then she needs to find 'clearer articulation'. Dicko's rubbing off on her! Not like that, ewwwww. Marcia hates what she's wearing. Really hates it. Kyle actually likes what she's wearing and compliments her body and asks if she used to be a redhead and as someone who is currently a redhead and who is FRIGGING LOVING IT, I say shut up Kyle, 'rangas rule! G very studiously does not lay a hand on the hot blonde standing next to him - you can almost see him mentally reminding himself he's married now . . .
I think Luke Dicken's naturally gravelly voice would actually really suit Alabama3's song (and the theme to The Soprano's) 'Woke Up This Morning'. It's deep, it's violent sounding, it's strangely sexy, it's the kind of song that might creep up on you in a darkened alley and mug you whilst whispering husky sweet nothings in your ear. Then you'd turn around and see it's bizarre facial hair and give it all your money to go away. It's better than hearing Luke's Joe Cocker impersonation again as he sings 'Feeling Alright', even if it is a very good impersonation. I still strangely like Luke's voice. I am all astonishment he got Wildcarded through but here he is and he is not even close to being bad. Or even mediocre. He's actually quite good and looks only slightly uncomfortable on stage. I don't know 100% where I stand on him. He's got me all confused and dumsquizzled. I'm totally Statler and Waldorfing on him. I start off hating him but by the end of the song he has me liking him. Damn him!
Marcia loved that he was up there moving and says he did the 'white boy thing'. Which means he puts his top row of teeth over his bottom lip and shuffles gracelessly in an out of time boxed two step, yeah? Marcia loves that he's taking this all so seriously - and his earnestness does seem very sincere. Kyle says that was the best he's seen him and gives him ten out of ten. Dicko tells him he's getting better and better and loves the song choice but wants the facial hair GONE. Luke doesn't know how to respond to the Mathieson patented flirt. I do! Flirt with me Mathieson!
If Brooke Addamo wants to be Queen of the Ballads, then she should sing Sarah McLachlan's 'Full of Grace', which appeared in the penultimate episode of Due South 'Call Of The Wild Part I' when Ray V (the real Ray) gets shot. I cried. He ends up being okay, but it's just so sad because Ray's been gone for like two whole seasons (he had to go deep undercover with the Mob, so Fraser got another partner who pretended to be Ray but he wasn't Ray and I called him Not!Ray the whole time he was on., even though he was WAY sexier than Actual!Ray, but I was totally in love with Benny - oh, Paul Gross, where ARE you? Then Not!Ray actor Callum Keith Rennie turned up on Battlestar Galactica as Cylon Leoben Conoy and I totally fell in love with him and forgave him for being Not!Ray. I'm easy that way) and then the episode he gets back, he gets shot?! And they play Sarah McLachlan over the top as it happens and he gets taken to hospital? Holy crap, is he going to die???? (Again, he was okay. But I was concerned for a while there, I must tell you.) 'Full of Grace' is a GREAT song and not overused the way some other Sarah songs are and is therefore totally acceptable. Not that a bit of Natasha Bedingfield doesn't rock completely and 'These Words' is a great song. Also Brooke? Your mother is A FOX. She's gorgeous - those are some good genes to have, nice. She doesn't sing this as 'perfectly' as she could but DAMN she's just joyous up there - it's like having Jess Mauboy back, an explosion of joy and cute and fine singing on stage. Yay for her!
Kyle says maybe she should have sung a ballad and then gets cranky when the audience tells him to fuck off. He talks about the difficulty of the song (it is a tough one, the key fluctuates all over the place, but she did okay with that). Dicko was thrilled with it and thought she did a great job and wants to see her carry on with some more up tempo stuff and calls it a joyous performance - I thump Fosse on the arm and crow about how I just said that, didn't I just say that, Dicko and I are on the same wavelength!! He rolls his eyes - he's going to strain something, I'm telling you. Marcia gives props to the pretty that is MamaBrooke and then says she thinks Brooke did that very well. Brooke has G standing next to her and does not throw herself into his arms. Huh. Maybe his wife is backstage with a very big baseball bat and her angry face on. I bet she shows up to every show with a lifesize Andrew G cardboard cutout and gives a 'no touch-y' demonstration to the Idol's, complete with hospital insurance forms (any and all accidental groping will lead to grevious bodily harm. It's what I would do if G was my husband. Gotta protect the merchandise and he's too pretty to be let out on his own. I mean, yeah, he's totally got that thing with Mathieson but that's okay, it's Mathieson. You can't separate those two, it would be cruel.)
Whilst I don't like Thanh Bui's style of singing, his parents win Best Parents of the night, mostly for Thanh's impersonation of them doing karaoke at two in the morning, which is hilarious. The second Scrubs song of the night is Colin Hay's 'Overkill' from the episode 'My Overkill' and basically Colin took one of his songs from his time with Men At Work and turned into this gorgeous acoustic number, stripped it down, made it simple and beautiful and about the lyric and the melody. That's what I want to see Thanh do. Instead of oversinging Maroon 5's 'This Love' in the painful manner he does - thank GOD this song doesn't feature too much of Adam Levine's hot hot HOT falsetto - and boybanding it all over the stage. I shake my head and call him The New And Not So Improved Callea and Fosse can't answer because he's frontal lobe deep in the middle of a post traumatic stress disorder flashback to Disco Night and Callea singing 'Car Wash'. I slap him a few times and fetch him a Xanax, a paper bag, tell him to put his head between his knees and remind him that he didn't hate Callea in Wicked when he saw it this weekend so TNaNSICallea may not be the end of the world and he can leave the room next time he sings if he's still around and he needs to breathe because that purple colour can't be good and should I be able to see those veins??
Kyle says that for such a fine singer that was like something out of an Adam Sandler comedy and then mixes up his annoying American comedians by calling it the Idol version of Blue Steel, which dude, that's not Sandler, that's Stiller, god. He says the arrangement was dodge and that his skipping around stage was poxy and says he's better than that. Dicko didn't like it either and says he needs to keep it simple, it was tripped up and overcomplicated for no benefit and didn't work. Strip it back, dude. Someone lend him Season Two of Scrubs on DVD and tell him to pay particular attention to the first episode. Thanh tries to explain and Marcia immediately gets all 'no apologies, dude' on him. She says he has an amazing voice and he needs to pull it out and show it. He's lovely and he's trying so very hard. Keep it simple, Thanh, that's my advice.
Following is a spoiler for the last episode of Quantum Leap, avoid if you haven't seen it and want to. Although, dude, that episode is like fifteen years old now, so how far behind are you? Have you seen the finale of Mork and Mindy yet? What about M*A*S*H? PS Hawkeye goes home, sorry if that ruins it for you.
One of my all time favourite songs is 'Georgia' by Ray Charles, which appeared in a couple of different episodes of Quantum Leap (it was Al and Beth's song) but which I remember most from the series final 'Mirror Image' when Dr Sam Beckett (oh, Scott Bakula, how I loved thee. Even your robotic work on Star Trek:Enterprise can not ruin that, especially as you do get topless in a significant amount of episodes, and you know, I always LOVED your back . . . ) leaps to save Al and Beth's marriage and consequently continues leaping forEVER and never makes it home. God. That episode just about killed me. When they flash up the end title card that says Sam never returned home? They showed that episode at midnight here and I cried so much and so loudly I woke my dad up. Shut up. It's a great episode from a great show and is a fantastic song and when I asked Fosse how awesome he thought Madam Parker would sound singing 'Georgia', he almost cried with happiness (but that may have been more about the fact that Thanh Bui wasn't onscreen anymore, come to think of it). She should put that aside for future consideration as her performance of Neo's 'Closer' is pretty damn fine. She prowls around the stage (and both Fosse and I think she looks HOT, we love her hair all curled like that) and she sounds great. Shaneequa is still getting too much of an EmilyTheColdlyAnointedOne vibe but I've totally moved past that with Madam. Although her name still makes me go all Best Little Whorehouse In Texas but I figure that's my problem, not hers.
The judges applaud madly and the crowd goes frigging nuts. Dicko says she won't talk to him backstage and he knows why now, she's doing all her talking on stage. He loves that she commits physically to her songs as well and thinks she's 'gold'. Marcia knows Madam's 'peeps' are proud of her and says fantastic a couple of times. I think she liked it. Kyle tries to fake us out that he didn't like it, but we already saw you applauding. Knob. Mathieson tells her she smashed it out of the park. I think he totally has a crush on her! Awwwww.
Jonny Taylor has me in a quandry. I have two songs left that would suit male contestants and unfortunately one of them HAS to go to Mark Spano which means that the other one has to go to Jonny but I don't think it will work for him. Season Two of the new Doctor Who has a very funny episode called 'Love And Monsters' in which a group of people hunting for information on The Doctor instead end up forming a sort of ELO tribute band - honestly, you have to see it to truly get how brilliant it is - and Elton, the narrator of the episode, jumps around his bedroom to ELO's 'Mr Blue Sky'. It's just such a bizarre thing to crop up in a DW ep and I guess Jonny is a bizarre contestant to crop up in Aus Idol, so that kind of works . . . he'd put a nice gothic spin on the lyrics, wouldn't he - "but soon comes Mr Night, creeping over, now his hand is on your shoulder". Ooh, I just gave myself the willies. It would have to be better than Pearl Jam's 'Better Man', which caused me to text Red and Shaneequa to query if either of them knew that Eddie Vedder was a contestant on Idol this season because man, he sounds like Vedder, only with less reverb. And he just looks so freaking nervous and he does not have the slightest clue what to do on stage. Oh, I wish they would let him do his own songs each week. But I don't know if that's going to be a problem for very long, I'd lay odds that he might be first to go . . .
Marcia can see the relief on his face that it's over. She tells him he needs to learn to work his nerves and not let them work him. Kyle totally enjoyed that but couldn't get over the string section 'cutting loose' to Pearl Jam and Jonny's enunciating of 'can't'. Really? You didn't have an issue with the flatness of his singing, his complete lack of stagecraft and obvious square pegness? If Jonny makes it past tomorrow night, his nickname is totally SquarePeg. Dicko had the great fortune of working with Pearl Jam and pause the tape! It's our first Dicko Name Drop of the season! Fosse and I applaud loudly and nod approvingly. He's very attached to the band and Eddie in particular and screams that song out in his car two or three times a week and whilst he knows he ain't as tuneful as Jonny (oh, I wouldn't know about that Dicko) it's just such an outburst - which Pearl Jam songs are and Jonny needs to use his intensity to get that across. Jonny mentions being naked up on stage and G smirks about being on the wrong show - and yes, if there's a show we can get G on where he will be naked, I am ALL for that. I'll just need to avoid his wife and her big bat of Don't Look Or Touch The G.
Thank JESUS there are only two left. God. Why are they allowing whatserface Coulter to interview the contestants and maintain control over the microphone? It means the contestants can't talk unless she lets them and she ain't letting them . . .
Okay so Brandi Carlile's 'The Story' didn't actually appear in an episode of Grey's Anatomy, they showed it at the end of an episode (or possibly the start, I don't remember) with a special video clip of as a kind of 'previously on'. Anyway, the song was so outstandingly awesome that I bought the CD without hearing another song on the damn thing. I've done that before; see the theme music to Angel and Darling Violetta's entire back catalogue. Then see my CD collection. Thank god for iTunes and being able to get just one song now instead of forking out for the whole CD and eleven other songs that may not be as good. Anyway, great song, GREAT vocal range and strength required and little miss Chrislyn Hamilton could probably belt it out standing on her head. It's a gorgeous ballad and the best bit? It isn't Aretha Franklin. I get that she's all about the big belty numbers and that this week is Idol's Idols but it's time to move on from Aretha. Although her performance of Dame Franklin's 'Think' is pretty freaking ace. It's peppy, it's rocking, it's BIG and it will keep her in the competition. I still want to see her get subtle a little. Shaneequa texts that she's got a good voice but she's too screechy. I'd actually pay that on a second viewing.
She gets a standing ovation from most of the crowd and two of the three judges. Dicko sits down and attempts to quiet the crowd. He says that there have been queries about the age limit being set at 18 and that she's just answered that . . . and . . . whilst yes, she is very good for her age, Dicko may I remind you of Tom's performance? He is a PRIME example of 16 being too young. And it's not like she would be less good if she waited a whole 'nother freaking year to audition, so shush and talk about her singing. On a more serious note, he does tell her that she needs to get fitter because she's out of breath from the very fast song and the jumpin' around the stage. Marcia thinks she is absolutely brilliant. Girlfriend. Kyle earns my absolute wrath and gives her a touchdown. Alright, firstly, no. And secondly, NO. Do NOT do that again Sandilands, I fucking mean it. Mathieson notes that Holden's lawyers are on the phone. As are mine, Sandilands. Cease and motherfucking desist, dude.
I'm in love with Mark Spano. There, I said it. I like him more than I like The Messiah. He's totally laid back in front of the camera when he's being interviewed by whatserface, he misses his cats and he's got the BIGGEST freaking neck I've seen that isn't on a rugby field. As my latest love, I'm giving him a song I associate with my other latest love, Dean Winchester and his love, his Chevy Impala. In the pilot of Supernatural, Dean yanks his little brother Sam out of college and they go a'hunting for Papa Winchester who has been missing for a spell. Cut to the open road, a cresting hill and a gorgeous black beast better known as the Metallicar, who rolls on to the screen to the fantastic opening guitar riff of AC/DC's 'Back In Black'. Cue screaming vocals and re-initiate love affair with AC/DC. It's so incredibly sexy, I can't even tell you. I was watching this on Fosse's little portable DVD player when I was flying home to Perth for a visit and I rewatched that scene three times on the plane and then played it on Mum and Dad's big ass cinema sized tv the next day to really let it sink in. Plus; Jensen Ackles + big ass cinema sized tv = freckle-y hot goodness. (I just giggled inanely. I am SO besotted with that man.) God. I was never really a fan of INXS, but like the Metallicar makes me love AC/DC, Mark Spano and his rendition of 'Never Tear Us Apart' works every girly bit I have. I text Red and Shaneequa to let them know that I just had sex with Mark Spano. Sweet jesus. It is one very hot, very well sung number and a brilliant end to a not bad show. Except for you Tom. And Thanh. And Jonny. Sorry guys.
Marcia says one of the most important things for a performer to do is walk out on stage with purpose and 'baby, you got that'. Hey! Hands off, Brown Sugar. Really well done and she tells him he just really knows what to sing - and yeah, his song choice has been pretty damn good, even when it's not a song I like, he freaking nails it to the wall. Mark fiddles with the ear piece that he yanked out halfway through his song and seriously, is there something going on with them because so many of the contestants have been playing with the damn things. Somebody get on that, will you? Thanks. Kyle wanted it to keep going and yeah, he could have totally kept singing. Dicko says it was masculine, sexy and dangerous and it is NICE to have a male performer who is just so very male. He's a total rock star. Man. (Sorry Messiah. Don't wear a hat next week and we'll talk about popping you back into the top slot.)
Bottom three should be all boys - Jonny, Tom, Thanh. Maybe Teale. But don't be hugely surprised to see Roshani or maybe Brooke in there - not that they should, but they didn't have as memorable performances as the other girls did. Shut UP Ricki Lee. God, she KEEPS talking, please SHUT UP. Fired, so fired. New Monday night format means there may be fathoms less filler, which can only be good, right? See you then . . .
TallulahBelle out.
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Wild(They Didn't Pick BrookeW)Card
So I'm driving to rehearsals the other night and I'm flicking through various radio stations (as I am wont to do) and Gold 104 (or whatever) is playing The Rolling Stones 'Brown Sugar'. So of course, I immediately call Red so I can share this joyous moment with her, scream "listen to what's on the radio" before she's finished the 'lo' part of 'hello, PUMP up the volume and sing at the top of my lungs with the chorus, drowning out Mick Jagger to the point where Red can't understand a word I or Sir Mick are singing (seriously, I'm so excited, as if this is the first and only time this particular song has ever been played on the radio.) When I pause for a moment and tell her what it is I'm howling at decibels previously unknown or heard by the human ear, Red just wants to know if I called Love Songs Dedication and requested it myself. Smart arse.
It's (I'm just)Wild(about Harry)Card time but before we get there we need to put through two (girls girls girls! Right?) contestants from Thursday to the Top 12. Mathieson's taken back the skinny tie and . . . shit . . . it's Father's Day? Fuck. Sorry Dad. Call you tomorrow? G's envelope has Brooke Addamo's name in it! Wheeeee. Yay. She's adorable. That's two girls! And does Jimmy even need to open his envelope to tell us that Madam Parker is through and sweet jesus, she's been rifling through Marcia's closet, what the frilly heck is she wearing? Three girls in total, huzzah!
I'm not a huge fan of leaving the (Van)Wild(er)Card announcements until the actual show where they expect them to sing. That's kind of cruel and unusual punishment. As is herding all the currently unchosen singers into the waiting room with whatserface Coulter like cattle. At least the boobs are covered up. And I've been very mean to her recently so tonight we'll go through; Reasons I should be grateful to whatserface. When she left the Young Diva's they fell apart and now seem to have disbanded, so basically her solo career is the reason I don't have to hear the slaughter of badly rejigged Disco Classics anymore. Also 'Sunshine' is fucking awesome, I LOVE that song. So snaps to RL for that.
First cab off the . . . oh, I'm SO over that now. First (Tone Loc's)Wild(Thing)Card goes to Amanda Grafanakis who is singing (and feel free to shut UP at some point Coulter. FI. RED.) Tina Turner's 'The Best' and never ever sing something that can potentially be used against you by the judges ie "well, you certainly weren't The Best now, were you?" which you just know one of them will do if you're not good enough. This is not rawky enough for her but she is certainly happy to get a WC and is having a whopping good time. Not brilliant vocals but big energy.
Dicko calls it a great start and tells her her look is as if Vivienne Westwood gave Olive Oyl a makeover. Damn. I love Dicko sometimes so much it HURTS my insides. She's well chuffed to hear that. He tells her he's serious about song choice and that it was a perfect song for her. Marcia is wearing the top half of a Harlequin from Commedia dell'Arte costume and tonight will be juggling balls of You Know How You Did, Not Judging Adequately and You Go Girlfriend/Boyfriend. Kyle was in a hotel room next to Her Tina-ness and . . . that story goes NOWHERE, thanks for sharing dude. He loves her voice and performance. Whee, the boys come out to Amanda together!! Are they allowed next to each other for the whole show?! That's awesome except it means more whatserface, doesn't it? Sigh.
Next (The)Wild(Thornberry's)Card is Nicole Banks! Yay! Sing it Theatre Girl! Oh, she's doing Sarah Bareilles number 'Love Song' which I adore. Please don't sing it with an inane grin on your face Nicole, I know it's a really poppy number but the lyrics are kind of angry. Oh she does. Now I would have thought the Theatre Girl could have intepreted this better and ouch, she's really pitchy and goes waaaaay off note more than a couple of times. Oh dear. Bollocks.
Marcia's shirt blinds me with it's brightness and then Marcia wows me with her occasional brilliance - telling Nicole that too many of them are putting licks where they are unnecessary. Sing the motherfucking NOTE. She doesn't say motherfucking, but her left sleeve snarls at Nicole and her collar sneers menacingly. She then loses all points by saying she still did a good job. Oh Brown Sugar. Kyle enjoys Nicole's rather Ricki Lee inspired booby top but points out that she throws away all the emotion of the song to be mechanical and again, Theatre Girl, I expected more and when KYLE SANDILANDS picks up the angst in the lyric of this song and you don't? Wow. That's just . . . wow. We all need to have a good long look at ourselves. Dicko agrees with Kyle about the interpretation and says it was too juvenile and unsure of itself and needed to be commanding. G crinkles his adorable face at her and makes her feel instantly better. Me too.
Sidebar: Can we as a nation please stop encouraging Katy Perry? 'Kissed A Girl' was bad enough but her new song 'Hot n Cold' is just woeful.
Reasons I should be grateful to whatserface. When she was booted off Idol in Season Two for her AWFUL rendition of The Beatles 'We Can Work It Out', she was unfairly bottom two with Chanel Cole - who shouldn't have been anywhere NEAR the bottom two after her fucking AWESOME rendition of 'Across The Universe' (people who didn't vote for Chanel after that performance? Please kindly go to hell.) - and basically if whatserface hadn't gone, then possibly Chanel would have and Chanel went on to do Joni Mitchell's 'A Case Of You' and Sam Brown's 'Stop', both of which were awesome and we would have been denied those performances. So. Thanks for getting booted when you did RL!! (Also, the many MANY times the Grossly Unfair Booting Of Ricki Lee is mentioned on Idol, I giggle hysterically - so it's good for that too.)
Luke Dickens is next (Jocelyn)Wild(enstein)Card and I got a text from Shaneequa during rehearsals to let me know that his performance of Robbie Williams number 'Angels' left her feeling personally violated. Let's see if it's THAT bad. It's not that bad, but then I obviously have a higher tolerance for pain. His voice just doesn't suit this at all, the gravelly thing doesn't work and I'm scared for the angel's he's loving instead. Run away angels, run away!
Kyle says they've seen him sing better and makes a bikie joke. Not the best they've seen him but he hopes he still makes it through. Dicko calls him a rough diamond but says they can't allow him to progress just on story. Luke thinks he needs to improve on his nerves and higher notes and Dicko praises his big notes - which were nice, I'll give him that - and hopes he makes it on the Idol JOURNEY!! (Sorry, it's a TWoP thing . . . ) Marcia tells him he needs to learn how to control his voice and that if he gets through he needs to ask as many questions as he can of the other singers and the people who work on Idol - especially the grip and the best boys, those guys can give you some excellent vocal tips. G comes out and speaks shearer to Luke, he drops "mate" and "missus" into the conversation like he was born speaking it.
Reasons I should be grateful to whatserface. She got straight through from her semi final and we didn't have to listen to a (Girls Gone)WildCard performance from her. Silver lining!
Fosse's favourite girl Roshani Priddis gets the next (I love Billy)Wild(er's Some Like It Hot. Man, Jack Lemmon was a honey when he was young)Card and sings an infinitely less annoying Alicia Keyes song than Madam Parker, it's 'If I Ain't Got You' but it's still an opportunity for oversinging and lots of 'mmm mmmmmm'ing in a husky undertone. This is a huge improvement over her last performance and is quite commanding (and only a little off. In bits. Little bits.)
Dicko says finally she's back! He says that although the vocal wasn't 100%, she had heart and committment and he's got a little crush now, thanks. Marcia congratulates her for getting over her nerves. She also salutes her story telling ability - and her right sleeve purrs at Roshani as the patterend section over her heart smiles girlishly and waves. It's the first time she's made Kyle go '"wow" and he thinks her vocals are like sexual chocolate. G quickly adds that it's Cadbury Chocolate and smarms in a G-ish way. Good smarm, smarm that is still sexy, that's not easy you know, G and The Clooney are the only people on the face of the planet who can do that and not look like complete dicks.
Dude. They Wild(ebeest)Card Mr Proper Enunciation James Spargo and the son of a bitch is singing a song I desperately wanted Moppet (Ben McKenzie) to sing last season, Five For Fighting's 'Superman'. Damn you Spano! Don't fuck this up. The over enunciation is gone, but he's still terribly earnest and the high notes do NOT do him any favours, avoid them James, avoid. Okay, cheesy performance style aside (which he can work on), I didn't hate that. I suspect Moppet would have made me cry tears of ridiculous happiness but James didn't make me fall to the ground in a purple fit, so good for him!
Marcia says she can hear that he's taken on what they've said to him. Kyle agrees that he's changed a bad habit into something good and is concerned James has that whole serial killer thing, where he'll be revealed to be a freaky sexual deviant cutting into young men's heads and his neighbours will be all "I can't believe it, he was such a nice, quiet guy who always got his rubbish bins out on time". Dicko calls it a huge improvement, but still wants more twists and turns and doesn't know where he'd place him from a marketing point of view. Kyle thinks it's older, lonely ladies and man, they want this guy to be the second coming of Irish and it ain't happening guys. Nu-huh. No. Way. Jimmy yells at him and James does that horrid thing where he mimes holding a phone to his ear as Mathieson reads out his numbers. Erk.
Reasons I should be grateful to whatserface. When Chanel and Daniel Belle were here doing a cabaret type thing, I was their driver for the evening, getting them to and from a party and they totally had the demo of the Spook CD with them and they played it in my car and at the party and then when I dropped them off Daniel INSISTED on staying in the car to listen to the final track because he still had reservations about the ending and he and Chanel had opposing positions and he's leaning over from the passenger side backseat and Chanel is leaning in from the passenger seat and the song is playing and they're both looking at me and going "Tally, you hear it, right?" and I just looked adoringly at them and agreed with both. Good times. Sigh. Oh, yeah, umm whatserface. As we were leaving the nightclub to go to Sunny's for the party, Ricki Lee texted Chanel. Yeah, that story isn't really about her, is it, damn.
Country singer Brooke Schubert gets the next Wild(when I visit Wales next year I want to spend a lot of time in)Card(iff) and she's countrying it up with an awesome song choice for her - Trisha Yearwood's 'How Do I Live'. She could do this version or she could do the LeAnn Rimes one, it would all be countrylicking good. Man, she has great range and she just sings it simply and the way it's meant to sound and hits every freaking note. It will not be right if she's not in the Top 12, this is easily one of the best performances of the whole semi's so far. Damn. I like a country singer! Ha!
Kyle says she's a hard one for him and says there's nothing about her not to like but he still doesn't care and dude, we'll get her to do a Pussycat Dolls number for you next so you CAN FUCKING RELATE TO HER, SHALL WE? Pillock. Dicko insults us all by saying we won't get that she's a country singer and then compares the audience to Kyle and DUDE, that Trisha Yearwood song did pretty well here and still gets regular play on the milder stations and her's is the country version, LeAnn's is the pop version. Marcia agrees and talks about the crossover that a lot of country artists have been doing to mainstream and just when I think she's going to get this right and say Dixie Chicks, she instead name checks Keith friggin Urban and just because he's on the cover of Who Weekly with The Botox Queen doesn't mean his music has crossed over. Then Kyle remixes 'Cotten Eye Joe' and 'Thank God, I'm A Country Boy' and one is country yes, but the other is more zydeco than country Kyle.
Reasons I should be grateful to whatserface. Ummm. 'Can't Touch It' is brilliant to jog to and is on my playlist for the gym on my iPod. So, thanks? (Her new song 'Wiggle It' however, is the crappiest piece of crap I've had the misfortune to listen to since Katy Perry's 'Hot n Cold')
Second last Wild(my uncle got me a Greater Union movie)Card(for Christmas last year and I tried to use it on Friday when Red and I saw 'Hellboy II' and you can't use them at Village Cinema's even though they're THE SAME PLACE WITH DIFFERENT NAMES. I may have been angry about that. Sorry Concession Stand Chick getting $10 an hour.) is Jonny Taylor and he's singing a song by the blandest band ever to sing about bland things in a bland way, Hootie and the Blowfish's 'Let Her Cry'. And I have to pause the tape and giggle before we go any further because Jonny is just so dark and angsty looking and he's singing a song by a group who were loved by Ross from Friends. Ross loved Hootie. You don't get lamer than Ross on Friends. ROSS. Even Rachel was cooler than Ross. Jonny doesn't even really try and reinterprate this and actually, is he even hitting the notes? See Jonny, the lameness of Hootie has SUCKED all the angst and cool that is you and it is gone, man. You may not ever get that back, that's the anti-awesome that is Hootie.
And of course, Kyle thinks Hootie is awesome and it was brilliant song choice. Kyle is Ross. That means Dicko is Chandler, G HAS to be Rachel (the hair, right?), Mathieson is totally Phoebe, Marcia is Monica and if we make whatserface Coulter Joey, then she gets her own horrible spin off that we can gleefully watch crash and burn and get cancelled. See! Fired!! Eh, Dicko ruins my Friends analogy by agreeing with Kyle about song choice. But if I remember that episode correctly, Chandler also enjoyed Hootie. And Monica made out with one at an after party they went to. Marcia tells him he's been resurrected and no Marcia, The Messiah is sitting bored on the sidelines waiting to get to the Top 12 performances already. Can anyone see if he's wearing a hat?
There's only one spot left in the Wild(Echo)Card(iogram) and Sophie Paterson is still sitting there so all the other contestants pretty much know it's not them and I hope this means Brooke Wilke is still sick and can't sing a note and THAT'S why she didn't get one. And sorry little Frenchboy Olly and The New And Improved Natalie and John Butler-ish Matt. Better luck next time. I can't remember, but I'm almost certain none of you are near the age limit so we'll see you next time, kids. Dicko gives her mad mad MAD props so if she doesn't get the audience vote, they'll WCJudge her through, no question. OH. MY. GOD. I LOVE this Jason Mraz number 'I'm Yours' and I've spent the last two weeks hearing it on the radio and it NEVER gets back announced so I didn't know who sung it or what it's name was so I googled part of the lyric and found out and got so excited iTunesing it and downloading it that I was late for rehearsal last Thursday. It's GREAT, go download it now. What an awesome song choice. It suits her and she's doing it kind of the way he does but she's also put her own quirk on it too and along with her version of 'Satisfaction' on Weds, she has totally won me over, even with some of the bum notes she hits.
Dicko is really thrilled with how she's developing and loves how she interprets songs and he just can't wait to see what she'll do with the themes they have coming up. I want to play with her too Dicko, so put her through thanks! Marcia's shirt is grinning from sleeve to sleeve. Marcia uses her time to tell the other contestants not to give up. Sophie looks slightly lost and I guess that means she hasn't been watching Aus Idol over in the UK, Brown Sugar rarely makes a lot of sense Soph, you'll get used to it. Kyle loves her shoes and dress. He's also a fan of the vocals, but is concerned about the quirky. He's a little gunshy after Breanna broke all our hearts last year Sophie, don't take it personally.
The boys take us through all the performances and I completely forgot Amanda even performed. Wow. Sophie to get the audience vote. The judges will put either Luke or James through for the boys (sorry Jonny, I don't think you'll get in) and then the other girls might be Roshani and Brooke, possibly Amanda if they definitely want a rock chick this year, maybe Nicole if they want a Theatre Girl. The boys throw to whatserface who says Axel 'Would You Like To See My Penis?' Whitehead will be performing for us tomorrow night as time filler and do you think we'll see The Gauc at all this season? I bet we get Irish, Coulter will do one of her tunes at some point, maybe Guy will come to spruik his latest New Orleans inspired cd, but no Gauc.
Reasons I should be grateful to whatserface. Yeah. I'm tapped, I got nothing.
TallulahBelle out.
It's (I'm just)Wild(about Harry)Card time but before we get there we need to put through two (girls girls girls! Right?) contestants from Thursday to the Top 12. Mathieson's taken back the skinny tie and . . . shit . . . it's Father's Day? Fuck. Sorry Dad. Call you tomorrow? G's envelope has Brooke Addamo's name in it! Wheeeee. Yay. She's adorable. That's two girls! And does Jimmy even need to open his envelope to tell us that Madam Parker is through and sweet jesus, she's been rifling through Marcia's closet, what the frilly heck is she wearing? Three girls in total, huzzah!
I'm not a huge fan of leaving the (Van)Wild(er)Card announcements until the actual show where they expect them to sing. That's kind of cruel and unusual punishment. As is herding all the currently unchosen singers into the waiting room with whatserface Coulter like cattle. At least the boobs are covered up. And I've been very mean to her recently so tonight we'll go through; Reasons I should be grateful to whatserface. When she left the Young Diva's they fell apart and now seem to have disbanded, so basically her solo career is the reason I don't have to hear the slaughter of badly rejigged Disco Classics anymore. Also 'Sunshine' is fucking awesome, I LOVE that song. So snaps to RL for that.
First cab off the . . . oh, I'm SO over that now. First (Tone Loc's)Wild(Thing)Card goes to Amanda Grafanakis who is singing (and feel free to shut UP at some point Coulter. FI. RED.) Tina Turner's 'The Best' and never ever sing something that can potentially be used against you by the judges ie "well, you certainly weren't The Best now, were you?" which you just know one of them will do if you're not good enough. This is not rawky enough for her but she is certainly happy to get a WC and is having a whopping good time. Not brilliant vocals but big energy.
Dicko calls it a great start and tells her her look is as if Vivienne Westwood gave Olive Oyl a makeover. Damn. I love Dicko sometimes so much it HURTS my insides. She's well chuffed to hear that. He tells her he's serious about song choice and that it was a perfect song for her. Marcia is wearing the top half of a Harlequin from Commedia dell'Arte costume and tonight will be juggling balls of You Know How You Did, Not Judging Adequately and You Go Girlfriend/Boyfriend. Kyle was in a hotel room next to Her Tina-ness and . . . that story goes NOWHERE, thanks for sharing dude. He loves her voice and performance. Whee, the boys come out to Amanda together!! Are they allowed next to each other for the whole show?! That's awesome except it means more whatserface, doesn't it? Sigh.
Next (The)Wild(Thornberry's)Card is Nicole Banks! Yay! Sing it Theatre Girl! Oh, she's doing Sarah Bareilles number 'Love Song' which I adore. Please don't sing it with an inane grin on your face Nicole, I know it's a really poppy number but the lyrics are kind of angry. Oh she does. Now I would have thought the Theatre Girl could have intepreted this better and ouch, she's really pitchy and goes waaaaay off note more than a couple of times. Oh dear. Bollocks.
Marcia's shirt blinds me with it's brightness and then Marcia wows me with her occasional brilliance - telling Nicole that too many of them are putting licks where they are unnecessary. Sing the motherfucking NOTE. She doesn't say motherfucking, but her left sleeve snarls at Nicole and her collar sneers menacingly. She then loses all points by saying she still did a good job. Oh Brown Sugar. Kyle enjoys Nicole's rather Ricki Lee inspired booby top but points out that she throws away all the emotion of the song to be mechanical and again, Theatre Girl, I expected more and when KYLE SANDILANDS picks up the angst in the lyric of this song and you don't? Wow. That's just . . . wow. We all need to have a good long look at ourselves. Dicko agrees with Kyle about the interpretation and says it was too juvenile and unsure of itself and needed to be commanding. G crinkles his adorable face at her and makes her feel instantly better. Me too.
Sidebar: Can we as a nation please stop encouraging Katy Perry? 'Kissed A Girl' was bad enough but her new song 'Hot n Cold' is just woeful.
Reasons I should be grateful to whatserface. When she was booted off Idol in Season Two for her AWFUL rendition of The Beatles 'We Can Work It Out', she was unfairly bottom two with Chanel Cole - who shouldn't have been anywhere NEAR the bottom two after her fucking AWESOME rendition of 'Across The Universe' (people who didn't vote for Chanel after that performance? Please kindly go to hell.) - and basically if whatserface hadn't gone, then possibly Chanel would have and Chanel went on to do Joni Mitchell's 'A Case Of You' and Sam Brown's 'Stop', both of which were awesome and we would have been denied those performances. So. Thanks for getting booted when you did RL!! (Also, the many MANY times the Grossly Unfair Booting Of Ricki Lee is mentioned on Idol, I giggle hysterically - so it's good for that too.)
Luke Dickens is next (Jocelyn)Wild(enstein)Card and I got a text from Shaneequa during rehearsals to let me know that his performance of Robbie Williams number 'Angels' left her feeling personally violated. Let's see if it's THAT bad. It's not that bad, but then I obviously have a higher tolerance for pain. His voice just doesn't suit this at all, the gravelly thing doesn't work and I'm scared for the angel's he's loving instead. Run away angels, run away!
Kyle says they've seen him sing better and makes a bikie joke. Not the best they've seen him but he hopes he still makes it through. Dicko calls him a rough diamond but says they can't allow him to progress just on story. Luke thinks he needs to improve on his nerves and higher notes and Dicko praises his big notes - which were nice, I'll give him that - and hopes he makes it on the Idol JOURNEY!! (Sorry, it's a TWoP thing . . . ) Marcia tells him he needs to learn how to control his voice and that if he gets through he needs to ask as many questions as he can of the other singers and the people who work on Idol - especially the grip and the best boys, those guys can give you some excellent vocal tips. G comes out and speaks shearer to Luke, he drops "mate" and "missus" into the conversation like he was born speaking it.
Reasons I should be grateful to whatserface. She got straight through from her semi final and we didn't have to listen to a (Girls Gone)WildCard performance from her. Silver lining!
Fosse's favourite girl Roshani Priddis gets the next (I love Billy)Wild(er's Some Like It Hot. Man, Jack Lemmon was a honey when he was young)Card and sings an infinitely less annoying Alicia Keyes song than Madam Parker, it's 'If I Ain't Got You' but it's still an opportunity for oversinging and lots of 'mmm mmmmmm'ing in a husky undertone. This is a huge improvement over her last performance and is quite commanding (and only a little off. In bits. Little bits.)
Dicko says finally she's back! He says that although the vocal wasn't 100%, she had heart and committment and he's got a little crush now, thanks. Marcia congratulates her for getting over her nerves. She also salutes her story telling ability - and her right sleeve purrs at Roshani as the patterend section over her heart smiles girlishly and waves. It's the first time she's made Kyle go '"wow" and he thinks her vocals are like sexual chocolate. G quickly adds that it's Cadbury Chocolate and smarms in a G-ish way. Good smarm, smarm that is still sexy, that's not easy you know, G and The Clooney are the only people on the face of the planet who can do that and not look like complete dicks.
Dude. They Wild(ebeest)Card Mr Proper Enunciation James Spargo and the son of a bitch is singing a song I desperately wanted Moppet (Ben McKenzie) to sing last season, Five For Fighting's 'Superman'. Damn you Spano! Don't fuck this up. The over enunciation is gone, but he's still terribly earnest and the high notes do NOT do him any favours, avoid them James, avoid. Okay, cheesy performance style aside (which he can work on), I didn't hate that. I suspect Moppet would have made me cry tears of ridiculous happiness but James didn't make me fall to the ground in a purple fit, so good for him!
Marcia says she can hear that he's taken on what they've said to him. Kyle agrees that he's changed a bad habit into something good and is concerned James has that whole serial killer thing, where he'll be revealed to be a freaky sexual deviant cutting into young men's heads and his neighbours will be all "I can't believe it, he was such a nice, quiet guy who always got his rubbish bins out on time". Dicko calls it a huge improvement, but still wants more twists and turns and doesn't know where he'd place him from a marketing point of view. Kyle thinks it's older, lonely ladies and man, they want this guy to be the second coming of Irish and it ain't happening guys. Nu-huh. No. Way. Jimmy yells at him and James does that horrid thing where he mimes holding a phone to his ear as Mathieson reads out his numbers. Erk.
Reasons I should be grateful to whatserface. When Chanel and Daniel Belle were here doing a cabaret type thing, I was their driver for the evening, getting them to and from a party and they totally had the demo of the Spook CD with them and they played it in my car and at the party and then when I dropped them off Daniel INSISTED on staying in the car to listen to the final track because he still had reservations about the ending and he and Chanel had opposing positions and he's leaning over from the passenger side backseat and Chanel is leaning in from the passenger seat and the song is playing and they're both looking at me and going "Tally, you hear it, right?" and I just looked adoringly at them and agreed with both. Good times. Sigh. Oh, yeah, umm whatserface. As we were leaving the nightclub to go to Sunny's for the party, Ricki Lee texted Chanel. Yeah, that story isn't really about her, is it, damn.
Country singer Brooke Schubert gets the next Wild(when I visit Wales next year I want to spend a lot of time in)Card(iff) and she's countrying it up with an awesome song choice for her - Trisha Yearwood's 'How Do I Live'. She could do this version or she could do the LeAnn Rimes one, it would all be countrylicking good. Man, she has great range and she just sings it simply and the way it's meant to sound and hits every freaking note. It will not be right if she's not in the Top 12, this is easily one of the best performances of the whole semi's so far. Damn. I like a country singer! Ha!
Kyle says she's a hard one for him and says there's nothing about her not to like but he still doesn't care and dude, we'll get her to do a Pussycat Dolls number for you next so you CAN FUCKING RELATE TO HER, SHALL WE? Pillock. Dicko insults us all by saying we won't get that she's a country singer and then compares the audience to Kyle and DUDE, that Trisha Yearwood song did pretty well here and still gets regular play on the milder stations and her's is the country version, LeAnn's is the pop version. Marcia agrees and talks about the crossover that a lot of country artists have been doing to mainstream and just when I think she's going to get this right and say Dixie Chicks, she instead name checks Keith friggin Urban and just because he's on the cover of Who Weekly with The Botox Queen doesn't mean his music has crossed over. Then Kyle remixes 'Cotten Eye Joe' and 'Thank God, I'm A Country Boy' and one is country yes, but the other is more zydeco than country Kyle.
Reasons I should be grateful to whatserface. Ummm. 'Can't Touch It' is brilliant to jog to and is on my playlist for the gym on my iPod. So, thanks? (Her new song 'Wiggle It' however, is the crappiest piece of crap I've had the misfortune to listen to since Katy Perry's 'Hot n Cold')
Second last Wild(my uncle got me a Greater Union movie)Card(for Christmas last year and I tried to use it on Friday when Red and I saw 'Hellboy II' and you can't use them at Village Cinema's even though they're THE SAME PLACE WITH DIFFERENT NAMES. I may have been angry about that. Sorry Concession Stand Chick getting $10 an hour.) is Jonny Taylor and he's singing a song by the blandest band ever to sing about bland things in a bland way, Hootie and the Blowfish's 'Let Her Cry'. And I have to pause the tape and giggle before we go any further because Jonny is just so dark and angsty looking and he's singing a song by a group who were loved by Ross from Friends. Ross loved Hootie. You don't get lamer than Ross on Friends. ROSS. Even Rachel was cooler than Ross. Jonny doesn't even really try and reinterprate this and actually, is he even hitting the notes? See Jonny, the lameness of Hootie has SUCKED all the angst and cool that is you and it is gone, man. You may not ever get that back, that's the anti-awesome that is Hootie.
And of course, Kyle thinks Hootie is awesome and it was brilliant song choice. Kyle is Ross. That means Dicko is Chandler, G HAS to be Rachel (the hair, right?), Mathieson is totally Phoebe, Marcia is Monica and if we make whatserface Coulter Joey, then she gets her own horrible spin off that we can gleefully watch crash and burn and get cancelled. See! Fired!! Eh, Dicko ruins my Friends analogy by agreeing with Kyle about song choice. But if I remember that episode correctly, Chandler also enjoyed Hootie. And Monica made out with one at an after party they went to. Marcia tells him he's been resurrected and no Marcia, The Messiah is sitting bored on the sidelines waiting to get to the Top 12 performances already. Can anyone see if he's wearing a hat?
There's only one spot left in the Wild(Echo)Card(iogram) and Sophie Paterson is still sitting there so all the other contestants pretty much know it's not them and I hope this means Brooke Wilke is still sick and can't sing a note and THAT'S why she didn't get one. And sorry little Frenchboy Olly and The New And Improved Natalie and John Butler-ish Matt. Better luck next time. I can't remember, but I'm almost certain none of you are near the age limit so we'll see you next time, kids. Dicko gives her mad mad MAD props so if she doesn't get the audience vote, they'll WCJudge her through, no question. OH. MY. GOD. I LOVE this Jason Mraz number 'I'm Yours' and I've spent the last two weeks hearing it on the radio and it NEVER gets back announced so I didn't know who sung it or what it's name was so I googled part of the lyric and found out and got so excited iTunesing it and downloading it that I was late for rehearsal last Thursday. It's GREAT, go download it now. What an awesome song choice. It suits her and she's doing it kind of the way he does but she's also put her own quirk on it too and along with her version of 'Satisfaction' on Weds, she has totally won me over, even with some of the bum notes she hits.
Dicko is really thrilled with how she's developing and loves how she interprets songs and he just can't wait to see what she'll do with the themes they have coming up. I want to play with her too Dicko, so put her through thanks! Marcia's shirt is grinning from sleeve to sleeve. Marcia uses her time to tell the other contestants not to give up. Sophie looks slightly lost and I guess that means she hasn't been watching Aus Idol over in the UK, Brown Sugar rarely makes a lot of sense Soph, you'll get used to it. Kyle loves her shoes and dress. He's also a fan of the vocals, but is concerned about the quirky. He's a little gunshy after Breanna broke all our hearts last year Sophie, don't take it personally.
The boys take us through all the performances and I completely forgot Amanda even performed. Wow. Sophie to get the audience vote. The judges will put either Luke or James through for the boys (sorry Jonny, I don't think you'll get in) and then the other girls might be Roshani and Brooke, possibly Amanda if they definitely want a rock chick this year, maybe Nicole if they want a Theatre Girl. The boys throw to whatserface who says Axel 'Would You Like To See My Penis?' Whitehead will be performing for us tomorrow night as time filler and do you think we'll see The Gauc at all this season? I bet we get Irish, Coulter will do one of her tunes at some point, maybe Guy will come to spruik his latest New Orleans inspired cd, but no Gauc.
Reasons I should be grateful to whatserface. Yeah. I'm tapped, I got nothing.
TallulahBelle out.
Fast Forward
Right, so Thursday night I got home from rehearsal really really late and didn't have time to watch Idol. Since then I've been busy (my hair is no longer dark brown, it is carrot top red and IT WAS PAINFUL) getting ready for my new show and have barely had time to watch the tape - a lot of it has been fast forwarded and that's basically how this recap is going to go as well. It's a quick one folks, with me barely pausing to note the things I loved (Brooke), the things I hated (Brooke getting chewed out by Dicko and Kyle for singing 'another' ballad when she's barely had two minutes of screen time and then NO ONE telling Madam off for singing the same song she originally auditioned with. Hypocrites. They're lucky I don't have time to be scathing.) and the things that were freaking awesome (Mathieson dryly smacking down Dicko and Kyle for see above.) I'm not even going to have time to remind you how much I think having whatserface Coulter co-hosting is a tremendous mistake. Take it as a given. She's still fired.
Next through to the Top You May Need The Y Chromosome To Get In Here 12 is the brilliant Mark Spano. G is wearing the skinny tie tonight - look, the boys are swapping clothes, can a common law marriage be terribly far off? Mathieson announces Teale Jakubenko's jawline is in and notes that the Top 12 is remarkably boy heavy, and yeah. We need some girls.
First cab off the rank (and I nearly forgot that, phew!) is Irae Schwanke - Jesse McCartney's 'Beautiful Soul'. Pitchy, his high notes are not good. This might have been a good song choice (catchy as hell as it is) but it just isn't sung well. I'd venture to say this might have been the worst performance of the semi's. The judges say stuff, I fast forward (have a speed run, tech and dress to get to today, lets just do it people).
Kayla Vanzetta - Leonardo's Bride 'Even When I'm Sleeping'. Kayla's taken the mantle of stupidest hat off The Messiah by rocking a beret on Idol. Frenchie Olly is the only one who could have gotten away with that. It's pretty, if a little oversung and lacking in power but it's very very pretty. The judges say stuff and Kyle calls her a twisted, albino Emo, which ha! Fast forward the rest though, sorry Dicko, I'm sure whatever you said was brilliant and spot on so I'll just blanket agree with you. Next!
Ugh. James Spargo. Snow Patrol's 'Chasing Cars'. He comes across as a nice guy but if he cries ONE MORE TIME I'm going to drive to Sydney and smack him across the head with a copy of the videotape of him overenunciating the LIVING FUCK out of everything he sings. Also, Jacob Butler kind of rocked this song last year in the semis and he gave it a really dramatic ending. Thing is James might have a good voice but WHO CAN EVEN TELL? It's just too too much.
Brooke Addamo is my pick for tonight. God, I hope she gets through, we need some girls!! Jewel's 'Foolish Games'. She steers away from the trademark Jewel nasal singing and although it is pitchy in places, it's still the best of the night. She has good control. I like her.
Judges talk SHIT. Specifically Dicko and Kyle (oh sweet JESUS, Marcia is the voice of reason?) talk shit. Dicko comments that she's sung six ballads in a row and that she's not listening to him - and then he completely stops making ANY sense at all. He rabbits on about her taking a ballad as her first single to radio stations and failing. Dicko? Isn't the first single that you MAKE the Idol release a motherfucking ballad? Are you guys for REAL?? They harangue the girl for about five minutes about this and she's remarkably poised and doesn't throw down her microphone and clothesline Dicko IN THE THROAT. Man, I would have dug my high heels into his thorax for pulling this bullshit on me. I LOVE MATHIESON. Who comes out and points out that Australia's only really seen her NOW and he and Brown Sugar almost bump chests as they stick up for Brooke. Vote her in! Thanks! Next!
Jonny 'no h' Taylor. Elvis? 'Hound Dog'? Really? And it's like the Nick Cave remix version of Hound Dog. It's actually not a bad intepretation, slow and he's given it angst and oh, he's now singing the normal version. My face has literally dropped in disappointment. I like Jonny but I'm not won over by this.
Judges = fast forward. No time, need shower and coffee and then have a 45 minute drive to the theatre . . .
Pimp spot goes tothe pimpiedest (not a word) singer of the comp thus far Madam Parker of the big RnB voice and annoying song choice. Alicia Keyes annoying song 'No One' Madam wails it in that annoying tone that Alica does. I am annoyed. She's a good singer but FUCK I hate this song. She has happily shook the EmilyTheColdlyAnnointedOne vibe and I don't get to the fast forward button in time to not hear Kyle say that if she wants to wear tracki's on stage, she should and WHO ARE YOU? That's SUCH a lie. If she did that, Kyle would shred her to pieces. Tiny wee little trilling pieces.
Madam will go through. That's not even a question. The boys were all crap tonight so it has to be a girl, IT HAS TO BE, please let it be Brooke. Please please please?
I'm off to a very very very long day and I make absolutely no promises that I'll get to Wildcard tonight. We'll see. Ricki Lee? Still fired.
TallulahBelle out.
Next through to the Top You May Need The Y Chromosome To Get In Here 12 is the brilliant Mark Spano. G is wearing the skinny tie tonight - look, the boys are swapping clothes, can a common law marriage be terribly far off? Mathieson announces Teale Jakubenko's jawline is in and notes that the Top 12 is remarkably boy heavy, and yeah. We need some girls.
First cab off the rank (and I nearly forgot that, phew!) is Irae Schwanke - Jesse McCartney's 'Beautiful Soul'. Pitchy, his high notes are not good. This might have been a good song choice (catchy as hell as it is) but it just isn't sung well. I'd venture to say this might have been the worst performance of the semi's. The judges say stuff, I fast forward (have a speed run, tech and dress to get to today, lets just do it people).
Kayla Vanzetta - Leonardo's Bride 'Even When I'm Sleeping'. Kayla's taken the mantle of stupidest hat off The Messiah by rocking a beret on Idol. Frenchie Olly is the only one who could have gotten away with that. It's pretty, if a little oversung and lacking in power but it's very very pretty. The judges say stuff and Kyle calls her a twisted, albino Emo, which ha! Fast forward the rest though, sorry Dicko, I'm sure whatever you said was brilliant and spot on so I'll just blanket agree with you. Next!
Ugh. James Spargo. Snow Patrol's 'Chasing Cars'. He comes across as a nice guy but if he cries ONE MORE TIME I'm going to drive to Sydney and smack him across the head with a copy of the videotape of him overenunciating the LIVING FUCK out of everything he sings. Also, Jacob Butler kind of rocked this song last year in the semis and he gave it a really dramatic ending. Thing is James might have a good voice but WHO CAN EVEN TELL? It's just too too much.
Brooke Addamo is my pick for tonight. God, I hope she gets through, we need some girls!! Jewel's 'Foolish Games'. She steers away from the trademark Jewel nasal singing and although it is pitchy in places, it's still the best of the night. She has good control. I like her.
Judges talk SHIT. Specifically Dicko and Kyle (oh sweet JESUS, Marcia is the voice of reason?) talk shit. Dicko comments that she's sung six ballads in a row and that she's not listening to him - and then he completely stops making ANY sense at all. He rabbits on about her taking a ballad as her first single to radio stations and failing. Dicko? Isn't the first single that you MAKE the Idol release a motherfucking ballad? Are you guys for REAL?? They harangue the girl for about five minutes about this and she's remarkably poised and doesn't throw down her microphone and clothesline Dicko IN THE THROAT. Man, I would have dug my high heels into his thorax for pulling this bullshit on me. I LOVE MATHIESON. Who comes out and points out that Australia's only really seen her NOW and he and Brown Sugar almost bump chests as they stick up for Brooke. Vote her in! Thanks! Next!
Jonny 'no h' Taylor. Elvis? 'Hound Dog'? Really? And it's like the Nick Cave remix version of Hound Dog. It's actually not a bad intepretation, slow and he's given it angst and oh, he's now singing the normal version. My face has literally dropped in disappointment. I like Jonny but I'm not won over by this.
Judges = fast forward. No time, need shower and coffee and then have a 45 minute drive to the theatre . . .
Pimp spot goes tothe pimpiedest (not a word) singer of the comp thus far Madam Parker of the big RnB voice and annoying song choice. Alicia Keyes annoying song 'No One' Madam wails it in that annoying tone that Alica does. I am annoyed. She's a good singer but FUCK I hate this song. She has happily shook the EmilyTheColdlyAnnointedOne vibe and I don't get to the fast forward button in time to not hear Kyle say that if she wants to wear tracki's on stage, she should and WHO ARE YOU? That's SUCH a lie. If she did that, Kyle would shred her to pieces. Tiny wee little trilling pieces.
Madam will go through. That's not even a question. The boys were all crap tonight so it has to be a girl, IT HAS TO BE, please let it be Brooke. Please please please?
I'm off to a very very very long day and I make absolutely no promises that I'll get to Wildcard tonight. We'll see. Ricki Lee? Still fired.
TallulahBelle out.
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