Blame It On The Boogie. Or Wolfgang Peterson. Or Something. Yeah?

I started writing this after the show in a timely manner (slight lie. Tiny, wee, I-did-not-have-sexual-relations-with-that-woman sized lie) and then got distracted by Outbreak on Channel Nine. Man, I love that movie. Dustin Hoffman, Rene Russo, Morgan 'Voice of God' Freeman, Donald Sutherland, Kevin Spacey, JT Walsh in one little bitty uncredited scene knocking it out of the PARK playing the Chief of State or something and talking about blowing up a little town full of citizens of the US of A, Patrick Dempsey before he was popular again (and with the WORST hairstyle you'll see come out of the 90's - and I'm including Billy Ray Cyrus and his mullet, but I'm not including the wig Shaneequa is making me wear in the new play I'm in that she's directing. For real, you guys, this wig? It's like she's punishing me for Irish winning two seasons ago or something; it is seriously ugly and she's lucky we're still friends . . .) and by the time it was finished it was late and I didn't want to sit through Idol again. (I love the movie but I don't know why I watch it, it always gets me all het up about whether or not Casey survives. Dustin gets the monkey, saves the town and Renee and at no point do you find out if Casey - Kevin Spacey's character - who was also dying, lives. The movie just kind of ends without telling us. Is Casey alive? Or did he die? He was much further along with the illness than Russo's character but we don't see him either survive or die. It's one of the most frustrating endings to a movie. Ever.

bad monkey

Frustrating to the point where, okay; I went to a seminar years ago about science in movies - Douglas Adams was one of the guests - Douglas motherfucking Adams. The man changed my life with Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy. I got him to sign a copy of it for me. After my stupid cat Giles, that book is the thing I would save if the house was on fire. Actually, I might save the book first, Giles isn't that dumb, he'd run if he was on fire. I think. Anyway, one of the movies they discussed was Outbreak and one of the other panelists was talking about how the most distressing thing about the movie was the faux science and Douglas was laughingly agreeing and I was forced to disagree with Douglas motherfucking Adams, because the most distressing thing about Outbreak is you never find out if Casey lives or not.* And also, Kevin Spacey's hair is weird. Not as weird as McDreamy's but still.)

(Man, that was one long ass tangent.)

So . . . recap. Group song! With dancers from So You Think You Can Dance! Jaunty hats as far as the eye can see! And whilst they're both giving it their hip swivelling all, Luke and Teale look so crazy uncomfortable with the Jazz Hands! Point Fingers! Box Step! that it makes me wish all the more that we'd had the group songs all season long, because really, how brilliant would a group song have been to ABBA? Wes moonwalks across the stage. I cheer extremely loudly and with no sense of shame because I am a total whore for that kind of Awesome. Oh, yeah, Wes owns this performance (and, as it turns out, most of the night). They finish up as the boys Soul Train their way to the front of the stage and jeezum crow, what the hell is Mathieson wearing? He's got a furry, suede jacket and a bow tie. How am I meant to tell if it's skinny or not?? G wants to know if he's dealing cards at the casino later, as he takes the opportunity to futz with Jimmy's bow tie.

Jermaine frigging Jackson is in the house. Whilst Jermaine was once part of the Jackson Five and is fairly legendary because of that fact, I'd place him below La Lauper in terms of OhMyGod!Celebrity Status. He's wearing a jacket that appears to have the lyrics and titles of every Jackson Five song puffy penned on it. It's hideously tacky. Mathieson fibs that we're in for a brilliant night (two out of three ain't bad, but it ain't good) and sends poor Jermaine to sit in between Marcia and Kyle, possibly as penance for the jacket . . .

When I was repeating to Fosse how everyone had gone on the show, I couldn't for the life of me remember what the hell Teale Jakubenko had sung. It sounds like he sings "the cat is not my son" when he practices 'Billie Jean' with Erana and John. As a kid, I always thought MJ sang "the chad is not my son", which never made any real sense to me, unless the kid's name was Chad. But Michael Jackson is not the most brilliant of enunciators. I thought that he was asking Eddie if he was okay in 'Smooth Criminal' - turns out it's "Annie, are you okay?" - and what the hell does "chamon" mean anyway? Either way, the overenunciating king of Idol Teale is giving us someone's stripped back version (I don't have a problem with Idol's using someone else's arrangment, but cop to it - Teale tells us it's a version he found, but doesn't tell us who it's by). It's extremely well sung, his voice is getting to the point where it just can't be faulted but man alive, it's boring again. If Teale won Idol (as if) his Journey!!1! CD would be dullsville. People could use it to put small children to sleep, so at least it would serve a practical purpose. The ending is lovely, he belts out a long lovely note that goes slightly askew at the very high pointy end but is otherwise applause worthy.

Dicko says the songs are icons of pop culture, what with the instantly recognisable dance moves, the signature MJ wacky made up words etc and tells Teale he did the smart thing taking it into his own territory because he would have failed miserably if he'd stuck to the original arrangment. He praises his singing and calls it brilliant. Marcia's heart lets Teale know it thought his song had angst, attitutude and compassion. JJ softly speaks that he thinks it was excellent, praising his pitch and telling Teale he moved him. Teale is visibly chuffed and his eyes are all a-sparkle with unshed tears of Holy Cow, Jermaine Jackson Thinks I'm Awesome. Kyle says it was initially disappointing for him that it wasn't the MJ version but then he got captured up in it and loved it. Mathieson suggests it might be enough to keep him out of Bottom Three for once and Teale humbly smiles that with only five of them, he doubts it but he's made it to Top Five and he's just so jazzed to be there, it's all ok.

whatserface is talking to Mark Spano and . . . man, someone's been overdoing the fake tan. She's wearing a brown sparkly thing that she almost blends into. If it weren't for the sparkles on her dress, I'd be hard pressed to know where the her skin ends and her dress begins. She gets all handsy with Spanner. Fired! No touch-y!! Mark's a massive MJ fan but for some strange reason has chosen the least 'sing-y' song in his catalogue, choosing 'Bad'. I'm going there guys, that's a Bad song choice. I'm not apologising for that. It's very very monotone. Mark does his best, dropping into his lower register and being all sexy closed eyes whilst cradling the microphone in his big, meaty hands and . . . sorry, I went somewhere where you couldn't come with me. He kicks it when he's in the chorus but it's not enough. Oh Mark, to follow up 'Angie' with this? Makes me sad. There is not one Jesus Pose in the whole song, but he does the Mark Spano Crouch a whole hell of a lot. He tries for some 'Bad' attitude but it just makes me giggle, which I don't think is what he was aiming for.

Marcia blows air up the skirt of Jermaine's brother (and you know, it's entirely possible that wherever Michael is right at this very moment, he might actually be wearing a skirt), coming short of calling him an outright genius and talking about what a theatrical performer he is, but that she still thinks Mark did a very good job. JJ says there's a lot of movement in that song but that he didn't miss it because Mark is so comfortable on stage and he sold it. He praises his voice and the performance. Kyle opens with "now for a bit of truth" and slams it. He calls the verses terrible and monotone and when the crowd boos, he tells them no chocolate for them. He admits to enjoying the chorus and passes over to Dicko who agrees with him that the first verse was thrown away. He tells Mark that he needs to learn to put some texture into that lower register and is disappointed that there was no chamon. I feel your pain Dicko. JJ defends Mark by saying he gave the first verse a certain amount of attitude to build it. G says that JJ has the highest jurisdiction. He doesn't touch Mark at all. Are they fighting? Oh my goodness, is there trouble in Bromance-ania, population, them? Noooooooo!

whatserface wants Chrislyn Hamilton to do the zombie dancing from the ground breaking 'Thriller' clip. Chrislyn says she doesn't want to embarrass herself on national television like whatserface is currently doing. Burn! Chrislyn is puh-itch-y and she's got the Crazy Eyes And Hands Of Endless Mugging going on. She doesn't zombie dance, but she totally werewolf claws at the audience. It's not as muggy as she's previously been, but neither is her singing anywhere as good as she's previously been. You can totally see her vocal cords when she sings her last big note. Sadly, Vincent Price's spoken part does not bust out over the last section and no one laughs evilly. That's such a shame, an evil laugh is always welcome in my house.

JJ gets as close as he's ever going to get to telling someone they were shit as he slightly admonishes her song choice and pitch but notes that it was better than her rehearsal and also, was she aware she was only seventeen?? Kyle can see that Jermaine was so freaking round about in his criticism that Chrislyn maybe thought it was okay and immediately dashes her hopes. He would have liked some zombie dancing and more theatrics and GOOD GOD, NO. Do not encourage the mugging. Shut up, Kyle. Dicko thought it was dopey song choice and there were some pitch problems but it was a valiant effort. Marcia says 'Thriller' isn't a musical song, it's a mad zombie song and tells her she can dance and she should pull every trick out of the hat.

Luke Dickens has made yet another smart song and arrangment choice, taking 'The Way You Make Me Feel' and bluesing it up so that it's more of a Luke song than an MJ one. He's also rocking more beard, the long scary beardy lines are gone and he's got some growth there - it makes the chin thing slightly less horrid to look at. He's singing really well, it's bluesy and laid back and a really nice version of this song. When he reaches into his big bag of notes towards the end, he either muffs a note or loses his voice slightly but it's gone very quickly and he continues on to a nice smooth ending.

Kyle says it was easily his favourite of the night, it was comfy and it turned him on. Ewwwww. Dicko tells him he has an uncanny ability to forage around a catalogue and find the perfect song choice for him. Dicko loved it and says he's beginning to cook at the right time for the competition. Luke's missus is in the audience with a sign that has a pic of his new little baby on it. From ewwww to awwwww in less than a minute. She looks really happy with her hubby. She should be, he's doing extremely well. Marcia tells him it was sexy because he owns what he does on stage. JJ is impressed how Luke grew the song and built it, he loved the hook and can't believe he was a sheep shearer.

whatserface towers over Wes Carr, she is tall. I am excited to note that the hat is back (shut up, I missed it. Also, the perfect night to wear the Jaunty Hat. If it gets flung into the audience at some point, then Wes owns the night and possibly me.) He is worried that Dicko is going to hate what he's about to do to 'Black or White' and he must not have been watching the show because Dicko loves everything you do, Wes, everything. It is . . . I don't have words for how brilliant it is . . . he's got the leg twitch going on and he's just so freaking into it and I do NOT stop smiling the whole damn performance. He shimmy's when he gets to the bridge and then he full on does the whole MJ standing on top of an air vent 'ohhhhhhh!' move and busts out the dancing. Moonwalk!! It's GLEEFULLY brilliant (and brilliantly gleeful)! The backing vocalists get into it, repeating the last line of the rap portion of the song (my favourite part) "I'm not going to spend my life being a colour" as Wes finally pitches the hat off to the side, pulls off the patented MJ half Jesus Pose (with fingers exactly how MJ has them) and then gives a full Jesus Pose as the band climaxes to completion. That is simply the most energetic and FUN performance that has EVER been on this show. It joins Spano's 'Angie' from last week as the best performances of the season and possibly the show's history. Awe. Some.

Dicko tries to talk but Marcia and JJ are too busy giving The Messiah a thoroughly deserved Touchdown (I can't believe it, but his first of the season). Wes adorably runs up to hug Jermaine Jackson, because really if you're given the opp to hug a hero, you're going to. The brother of a hero will suffice. Dicko tells him he's pretty fly for a white guy and wonders why he'd think Dicko would hate that - why would he hate someone who entertains us? He praises it as fantastic. Marcia says tonight was the night to unleash his Michael Jackson and also says it was fantastic. JJ tells him to listen to the crowd and that he did it. Wes very cutely can barely look Jermaine in the eye, he's so freaked out that he's there and he loved his perf and he got a Touchdown from him and bashfully apologises for the dancing but Mr Jackson is having none of that and tells him he loved it. Kyle says there's not much to say and says it was pure thrill. G calls it the culmination of Wes' entire life and Mathieson notes that all that dicking about in front of a mirror has finally paid off. G says Wes needs our votes to stay in the competition and DUDE, he so doesn't. Really, I love Spanner as much as the next . . . me . . . but The Messiah deserves to win this competition and I will be extremely surprised if he ever hits the B3. I may eat one of his hats.

Bottom Three; Teale, Chrislyn and Mark. Oh, that hurts Mark, that does. Teale or Chrislyn to go though. Obviously no Top Three but Luke and Wes should be safe for next week and CHRIS FUCKING ISAAK. Oh. My. God.

TallulahBelle out.

*Fine, yes, you may say I'm being stupid hoping that there is a chance that Casey makes it as it's fairly obvious he must have died, he's pretty fucking sick before they get the antiserum. But if he died, then show it, for crying out loud. That's baaaaaad filmmaking to leave that kind of loose end untied, and that bastard is untied. UN. TIED. I blame Wolfgang Peterson. Also, if Casey died then everyone else in the town who was sick died, because they were sick before him and he only got sick because he was exposed to the airborne portion of the virus, as opposed to Rene's character who pricked herself with a needle and got it in her blood. So he lives. Right? Right. Taaaangent. That is all.

Liveblogging; Six to Five

7 31 G (in a fetching pin striped suit and pink breast cancer ribbon on his lapel and and awesome black and white vertically striped tie) tells Luke and Wes that they're the only two who haven't been in the Bottom Three but that one of them is this week and he takes such a large pause in between "Wes" and "you're safe" that Wes and I think he's B3, but it's Luke. They manfully shake hands. Mathieson (who is sans jacket tonight and his tie? Not so skinny . . .) tells Chrislyn she's safe and that Teale is B3. Which leaves Mark and Roshani (G flirtingly tells Mark he loves it) and Mark is SO safe. Except for Luke, that's an okay B3.

7 33 Luke Dickens sings "Honky Tonk Woman' for his first appearance in the Bottom Three and seems a little wonky, it's not his best performance, it's a little scratchy like he hasn't warmed up or something. G sends him back to whatserface who says he did a fantastic job last night and hopes that his perf gets him through. Luke barely gets an "okay" in edgewise.

7 36 Teale Jakubenko doesn't have his guitar as he re-sings 'You Can't Always Get What You Want'. It's still very pretty. Pretty dull. See what I did there? That lame ass joke? More interesting than this performance. He does well again with the key change. Mathieson sends him back to whatserface. She crosses everything for him but again doesn't let him say a freaking word.

7 38 Roshani Priddis looks pissed off, her eyebrows are seriously furrowed and pained as she sings 'Wild Horses'. She looks like she knows it's her or Teale. She almost misses some of her lyrics and is either struggling to remember the words or trying not to cry. I'd go with the tears. Oh, Roshani. She adds another five notes to the ten she previously sang towards the end.

7 46 G has his boy Mark sitting next to him on The Couch Of Safe (helping G straighten his pink ribbon - as G notes "save the boobies, Australia, save the boobies") as he drops that next week is Michael Jackson week. Oh my god. That's both awesome and horrid!

7 47 Mathieson speaks to Luke who is so laid back about it that he almost falls off The Couch Of Not Safe. He says with only six, it's fifty/fifty as to which couch you're on. Luke says there's nothing he could have done differently, he got out there and sang his best. And then Bill from Luke's local pub in NSW calls Luke 'Dicko' (which throws me - there can be only one!), and then wants to make sure he's getting his fill of VB.

7 50 whatserface talks to Roshani about how difficult song choice can be and then oh my god!! She does it!! She actually fucking does it!! Ricki Lee FUCKING Coulter makes Roshani's moment ALL ABOUT HER and The Beatles debacle!! FIRED FIRED FIRED FIRED FIRED. Dicko looks spectacularly unimpressed and appears to be biting back a massive grin. Roshani says she sang her guts out and loves that song and it's the most vulnerable she's been and she has to stick by it. Because it's veering dangerously close to being about Roshani, whatserface brings it back to her, saying again that it's the song she would have done as well. whatserface throws it to the judges, wanting to know why they were so hard on her. Coulter smart alecs that the crowd liked it so therefore Austalia should have and Kyle gloriously smacks her down, saying the live crowd are basically trained monkeys who will cheer for a tiny piece of chocolate and can not be trusted. Dicko tells her to use the internet and research her songs - amen, Brother Dicko!

7 53 Mathieson reminds Teale he's B3'd about five times. Teale thinks he's done and Jimmy encourages him to "back himself". Kayla from NSW thinks he should grow his hair longer and then wants to know what kind of artist he wants to be. He says pop/rock with a bit of soul, which he calls sprock. Jimmy doesn't think that'll catch on. He's still jacketless. G badly jokes that he thought sprock was on Star Trek. He's just so giddy that he gets to sit next to Mark this week, he's struggling to string proper sentences together, let alone make good jokes.

7 56 The Cadbury Performance and a Half is absolutely the one you thought it was going to be. Mark Spano singing 'Angie' to me.

8 00 Lines are closed! Mathieson has inserted himself in between G and Mark. Jealous, much Jimmy?

8 02 Time wasting footage of Wes Carr dancing around backstage like a maniac. Wes may or may not bust out the moonwalk for us next Sunday. G talks him into doing some MJ now and he borrows a jaunty hat from the crowd and busts a move. Chrislyn says Idol has made her weird. G tells Mark that Dicko could not stop raving about him last night. Dicko says his phone went mad after last nights show and the industry has finally worked out that a boy is going to win this season so now they're interested.

8 05 The Idols made the yearly visit to Ronald McDonald House, this year in Tamworth. Fantastic house workers, gorgeous kids who make you want to cry and all round awesomeness. The Idols sing their greatest hits - Chrislyn does 'True Colours', Wes busts out 'Desire', Roshani sings 'Tell Me About It'.

8 12 Chris Brown sings 'Forever'. His dancing absolutely shits all over The Messiah, sorry man. However Wes, you sing better than he does. We'll call it a draw, yeah?

8 15 Chris gets flowers from the crowd and Mathieson tries to gank them to give to G in apology for seperating him from Mark earlier in the show. Chris' block mounted poster looks like it weighs a metric tonne. Jimmy's been working out though as he holds it using just one of his skinny skinny arms. whatserface babbles about how cool Chris Brown is whilst the three up for boot sit in uncomfortable tense silence behind her and don't look at all awkward about it. Nice. Fired.

8 22 The boys recap the judges comments from last night. First person safe is . . . Teale. Good bye Roshani. There's no way it's going to be Luke.

8 28 Mathieson surprises no one by telling Roshani she's done.

8 30 Roshani's last song is Joss Stone's 'Tell Me About It'. Her voice is definitely not in as good as condition as it was when she first sang this song, she cracks all over the place but she's having a blast. G gives her a big ol' hug. See, it's not all bad!

Tallulah(Angie)Belle out.

Let me whisper in your ear

So last night I came home from rehearsals - after stopping on the way to do a little grocery shopping - and sat down with my dinner and my Fosse to watch Idol. It's been an age since we watched together, what with rehearsals and whatnot, and he's missed my screeching and anger, I can tell. He pretends not to, but he does, really. Anyway, Fosse bitched about how he hates The Rolling Stones, I told him how my middle name is from a Rolling Stones song because my parents were Dirty Hippies, we laughed uproariously as G and Mathieson tag teamed and smacked down Kyle, I pointed and ranted at the screen whenever whatserface was on . . . and then Mark Spano sang 'Angie' . . . and then Mark Spano sang 'Angie' . . . and then Mark Spano sang 'Angie' . . . and then Mark Spano sang 'Angie' . . . and then Mark Spano sang 'Angie' . . . and then Mark Spano sang 'Angie' . . . and then Mark Spano sang 'Angie' . . . and then Mark Spano sang 'Angie' . . . and then Mark Spano sang 'Angie' . . . and then Mark Spano sang 'Angie' . . . and then Mark Spano sang 'Angie' . . . and then Mark Spano sang 'Angie' . . . and then Mark Spano sang 'Angie' . . . and then Mark Spano sang 'Angie' . . . and then Mark Spano sang 'Angie' . . .

*insert sound of broken record scratching*

Guys, I totally got caught up in a Mark Spano sang 'Angie' time loop, that I could not get myself out of, not that I tried terribly hard, it was an awesome place to be. It's made it really difficult, almost impossible, to rewind the tape back far enough to actually look at the other contestants again: but I've made myself do it, secure in the knowledge that a) G and Mathieson were on fire last night; b) I only have to sit through Roshani's song one more time (although I imagine tonight we'll have to hear it again 'cause she's B3 and probably out of here) and; c) the light at the end of the tunnel? Is Mark Spano singing 'Angie'. Sigh!

Sidebar; as it's Rolling Stones night, I am left with no other choice but to call Marcia 'Brown Sugar' all night. No other choice. Occasionally BS for short where appropriate. You can decide for yourselves what those initials might otherwise stand for . . .

As the show opens, Fosse calls me a freak for dreamily noting that G is dressed in all black tonight and that Mathieson's skinny tie is slightly fatter this week and has also been bedazzled all around the edge with silver sequins. I call him a freak for not noticing. You think those boys dress for themselves? They dress for us to notice and you do them a disservice sir, by not paying tribute to their hard work. Plus they both look super cute tonight! Mathieson notes that The Stones have been around for forty five years, G smarts that modern medicine is still at a loss to explain how they keep going and going. Well guys, The Stones drummer Charlie Watts has been dead for about fifteen years, it's just no one has told him.

Total vampire. Right?

Him and Iggy Pop, no one seems to want to break the news to them. I mean, there were funerals held and everything. Also, Keith Richards is pumped full of so many drugs that it's kicked in and melded with his body's internal system like a weird preservative. He's going to outlive us all. It'll be Keith and the cockroaches, man. And Keith? Won't even notice. Dicko for some strange reason, is wearing a shirt that is more suited to Country 'n Western night. He also still persists in his belief that the winner of Idol will have a career and reminds us of the 200k. I had totally forgot about the money. Can they retrospectively give Irish 200k? Man has two kids, he could totally use that money.

It's time wastage time! We're reminded of where the Idols came from and their Journey!!1! to get here. I try to count the different hats during Wes Carr's package, he tops out at five but Guy Sebastian adds another to the count. They show his awesome first audition and rendition of 'All Along The Watchtower' and it's always nice to be reminded that I loved him from the get go, especially when Spanner (ohmygod, 'Angie'!! It's coming, it's COMING!!) has taken over as my favourite. The Messiah, his twitchy right leg and some maracas are singing 'Jumping Jack Flash'. He puts a nice growl into his voice for this song as his left leg takes over the twitching for a short time before handing back to his right, the Reigning Twitching Champion. He jumps on the spot as he sings 'Jumping Jack Flash' and I'll let that one slide because that's a natural dance-y/twitch-y way to go with this song. Oooh, all the backing vocalists tonight are guys. The camera guys are struggling to keep up with the mad dancing skillz of The Messiah as he jumps and twitches and Jesus Pose's all over the stage. As ever, his singing is excellent. I'm wanting a ballad from him now though, anyone else? I feel like this is all we see, the frenetic (but excellently done) high paced number. Even last week, he took a folksy song and rocked it up. I want something slower from him at some point, it would be nice. Also, a haircut.

Dicko says The Stones are "a byword for noisy, dirty rock 'n roll" and I note to Fosse that it would have been nice if Wes had not washed his hair for a couple of days before this performance. For a grungy sound and performance, he still looks a little too clean cut (but not as clean as Teale who you could eat your dinner off of). He loves how Wes inhabits the songs he does and also enjoyed the dirty, raw texture of his voice. He says it was "epic". Brown Sugar congratulates him on being one of the most consistent performers and never being scared. Kyle picks Wes up by the scruff of his neck and takes him to a corner to lavish him with love. He says Wes makes the song his own and says he loved the little Rolling Stones dance movements - which were the exact same dance movements he does EVERY week, so unless there were some Mick Jagger chicken head movements we didn't get to see at home, shut up Kyle - and just loves him. Mathieson picks up the maracas and busts out Homer Simpson's "you don't make friends with salad." A. Dor. Able.

whatserface knows the Adam Levine/Alicia Keyes version of 'Wild Horses' and you guys, would totally have done it herself if she could! So Roshani Priddis is completely just stealing her thunder! And this is nothing like the time that whatserface did the Chaka Khan version of 'We Can Work It Out' on Beatles night and then got booted by an Angry Nation. No, you watch, Roshani will be absolutely safe and not at all in the Bottom Three for taking a great song and performing a lame ass version of what is actually a pretty decent cover. Granted it's no The Sundays but it's still not bad. Even towards the end when Alicia puts about eight different notes in the one 'yeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah' (this will become important in about a minute when Roshani starts singing). Plus Adam Levine is HOT. Roshani even starts at the second verse like Alicia does. She starts off very timid, there's no strength to her singing at all. And once she does kick into her upper (and usually more powerful) register, she does The Alicia, throwing no less than ten wildly different and pitchy notes in where one beautifully sung simple note would have kicked frigging arse. Bottom Three. Time to go Roshani. Start packing. whatserface? For saying you would have done that, you can pack too. Fired. Both of you. That's two weeks in a row that Roshani has taken one of my favourite songs and killed it dead. Now I need to go listen to my Buffy The Vampire Slayer soundtrack and The Sundays version and remind myself why I love the HELL out of this song. Judges, please express your disgust in three . . . two . . . one . . .

Brown Sugar has never heard the song before at all, but notes that a lot of their songs are masculine and is pleased she took it into a pretty, female place, and have you seen Jagger's lips and eyelashes, BS? They're pretty frigging girly. Kyle has three things to say; he loved her singing, hated the song choice and tells her that her outfit looks like "the dog has savaged the takeaway dinner wrapper". It is kind of a stupid dress. Dicko says she's been very hit and miss recently due to song choice. He tells her she did an okay job but that she sucked the life out of a whacked out country song that's down and desperate and turned it into cabaret. He tells her it may be death by song choice. G thanks Dicko and Marcia and then tells Kyle that was stupid critiquing and that there was nothing constructive whatsoever. Kyle whinges that no one cares what G thinks and G smilingly tells him to shut up as this is his turn to talk. There is an AWESOME shot of Sandilands looking off camera at someone with an unhappy face from being put in his place by pretty boy G and you just know there's going to be a rumble in the parking lot after tonights show. My money's on G, he may be pretty but you watch his eyes, there's steel in them. Now if it was Brown Sugar versus G, my money would be on BS, no question. My momma didn't raise no fool.

(Spano? Soon-o!)

Luke Dickens has once again picked a great song for him, choosing 'Honky Tonk Woman', it's one of The Stones bluesiest songs and it falls into that Joe Cocker place he sits. He shows some nice range, although he misses his first really high note, he picks it back up again when he does it again later in the song. He is absolutely the surprise package of this season. But if he pushes one of my boys out of a spot in the Final Two (as Fosse fears he might; he argues that people voted Shannon Noll into the second spot, I argue back that I am still firmly convinced that Cosima DeVito was second and would have performed at the Opera House if the nodules hadn't forced her exit - man, good good times. Except maybe for Cosima), then there will be repercussions. Either way, this is a good performance. Again. Damn.

Kyle is still up on his high horse about G telling him off and goes in guns blazing, overly complimenting Luke on choosing a song that everyone actually knows and how unique a concept that is. He says with what's riding on the competition they all need to make good song choice and that Luke never disappoints, he is, in fact "smart in the head". Let's all pause and enjoy the stupidity of that statement for a moment before Mathieson comes out and beats Kyle around the face with it. Kyle notes that everyone at this point of the competition can sing, it would be pointless if they couldn't and oh!! Let's all cast our minds back to Season Three shall we? DeadtomeOnetrickponyLee Harding. Still in the competition at this point. Could he sing? History has proven otherwise. Of course, most of us didn't need history for that, we knew from his souless rendition of Green Day's 'Holiday' and NO, I will never let that go. Dicko agrees with Kyle and we all need a long, scalding hot, cleansing shower now, don't we? He says it's about connecting with the audience and being relatable and giving the show big moments (which I had to listen to three times, I could have sworn Dicko was saying "big mumps" but that made no sense at all . . . ) Brown Sugar smiles that she hates it when the guys say everything there is to say and blows him a kiss instead. Ms Hines' performance fee for the night of the 26th October will be donated to charity, being that she DID NOT EARN IT. In defence of his boy G, Mathieson comes out and smirks at Luke and Kyle about being "smart . . . in the head" and he fully puts the italics on it and pauses and everything and neither Luke nor Kyle really get that he's mocking the living SHIT out of them. But I'm sure they pointed it out to Kyle at some point and made him aware that they got the last word. Hosts = 2,347,179. Kyle = -378.

Sidebar; How, how, is Channel Ten possibly going to put Will and Grace on in the seven pm time slot? They cut even the slightest mention of sex and drugs out of episodes of Friends. We'll never see Jack or Karen at all, will we? It'll be a five minute show about a good Jewish girl and her single male neutered housemate exchanging witty banter about . . . god . . . I don't even know. What's left of W&G once you take out Jack and Karen? Cue snazzy piano tinkling opening credits, Grace wearing awful outfits, Will cooking, laugh track, closing credits and scene. That's so lame, I don't even know where to begin.

Speaking of lame, whatserface wants to know from Teale Jakubenko who is better, Keith or Mick. Teale looks completely lost because Rick Price wasn't one of the choices and he . . . doesn't know what to do with that. He's singing the Gregory House theme song 'You Can't Always Get What You Want' with 95% less choirboy. He's sat himself down on a barstool, he's got his guitar, he's strumming, he's asking us to sing it with him and it's . . . pretty. Let me tell you something, Jagger et al are not in any way pretty. Whilst Teale's voice sounds pretty much immaculate (although I preemptively shudder when he indicates he's about to key change, he segues nicely to the higher register and I am pleasantly surprised), it's just so booorrrrring and perfectly enunciated. I don't doubt for a second that there are people who would buy a Teale J CD but I am not one of them. My mother maybe . . . Fosse and I drift off into conversations about anything other than Teale. I wonder if the contestants might have been able to get away with singing The Beatles 'All You Need Is Love' purely because Mick Jagger sang a bit towards the end, it's a long shot and I know it. Fosse is appropriately dismissive. We tune back in for the judges.

Dicko tells Teale he's singing very very well at the moment and compliments his song choice. He loves how he made this truncated version work for him, giving it a sweet country pop vibe. Brown Sugar says that song is an epic and she had no idea how he was going to do it. BS says it was a very intelligent way to go about it, well done. Kyle wants to know if he was in charge of the arranging and initially it was all with the band. Teale says he learnt the song yesterday on his guitar (well done, sir!) and hastily re-arranged it to strip it back more.

whatserface is backstage with a very jiggly Chrislyn Hamilton who confesses to not knowing much about The Rolling Stones at all. whatserface says good luck in a tone of voice that whispers of The Beatles. Seriously, kids? If you want to have a career in music, LEARN ABOUT IT. The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, these are GIANTS in musical history, I'm not saying you need to be able to play Rachmaninoff's Concerto in D (possibly a made up concerto just for the purposes of this sentence) but The Stones? I shake my head at the Youth Of Today. Chrislyn is singing 'Get Off Of My Cloud'. Okay. Look. She sings this extremely well, lovely emotion, great range, well arranged but OH MY GOD, the mugging. The faces, the miming of the lyrics, the musical theatricalness of the whole fucking thing, it MUST STOP, Chrislyn, I'm begging you. Chrislyn has taken Dicko's notes of being BIG and BALLSY and applied them to the nth degree and it's too too much. Her rapid fire lyrics with the backing vocals moment, is ace and BV Garry is having a ball with her but the rest? I can't watch the rest again. I could listen, but I couldn't and wouldn't watch it again. She loses almost all the points she gains because of the incessant freaking MUGGING.

Brown Sugar says she loves watching her perform and says her fans adore her and so does BS. Kyle says he loves her, she's a star and there's nothing else he can say, he loves her, loves her, loves her. Dicko loves (oh, there's a lot of that going around - it's because they're further away from the mugging, they don't have it thrust down a camera at them) it when she cuts loose - don't encourage her, Dicko - and says it's "like the Vicar of Dibley on party drugs" and Fosse and I miss everything else that's said for the next five minutes because we're laughing our arses off. Gold, Dicko, 24 carat.

(Oh my god!! You guys!! He's next!!)

whatserface ask Mark Spano if he's a Stones fan, and Mark possibly deliberately completely smacks her down by saying he's more a Beatles fan. whatserface's face freezes for 0.3 seconds before she continues on. After the break G introduces his boys package (dirty!), then Mathieson throws to Mark perched at the front of the stage, just him, his acoustic guitar, some unfortunately distracting backlights, and the beautiful melody of 'Angie'. The living room is silent until about half way through when I turn to Fosse and tell him I'm changing my name to Angie. Fosse pauses for a second and says he is too. This is FLAWLESS. It's hands down the best he's ever sung, it's the best of the night, it might actually be the best of the season thus far and seriously makes me ache. In the best possible way. Gorgeous, Spanner.

Kyle doesn't know how to wrap up the word 'perfect' into a whole sentence and says everyone there loved it, it was brilliant. He points out some girls in the audience who are holding M A R K up to the cameras and when they finally turn it around so Mark can read it, it says K R A M, which he laughingly notes. They eventually turn it the right way around. I'm not surprised they're a little light headed as they were in the same room as that performance, I'm a whole state away and I'm a little dizzy. Dicko calls him Spannerman and then tells him the range of flavours he gives are fantastic. He loves the intensity and says that him just sitting there with his guitar gave us the most electric moment of the night. Then he gives him the most worthy Touchdown I've seen since The Gauc did 'All The Boys In Town'. Brown Sugar talks about an Italian singer whose name I can't type, and then calls out the Italian community as being uber proud of their boy. Also proud of his boy? G, who comes out and sits next to him. Fosse rolls his eyes (I didn't see it, but I felt him roll them) as I shriek happily that their knees are touching and aren't they adorable and can't you just see how much G wants to put his hand on Mark's knee??!! They chat about 'Angie' being the song Mark was learning when the dread nodules came.

Bottom three - Roshani (blah), Teale (boring) and Chrislyn (for the mugging)
Top three - Mark (sitting at the top all by himself), Wes and Luke

Angie out.

Liveblogging; Seven to Six

7 31 G smirks as he stands next to his newly returned boyfriend Mathieson and tells Luke, Chrislyn and Wes that they're safe. Mathieson wastes no time telling Teale and Sophie that they're Bottom Three and then makes G cry bitter angry stompy tears as he puts Mark into the B3 for the first time. You know why he's there? Because everyone in Australia who normally watches, MISSED HIS PERFORMANCE last night. Stupid early start time. This sucks. But he'll be fine. Right? RIGHT?

7 34 The Teale Jakubenko Insomnia Cure All Tour of 2008 continues as he recroons his way through 'Ain't No Mountain High Enough'. I yawn my way through it. whatserface wants to know why Australia should keep him and he says we could all do good things together. Mathieson tells him he's finished. We can only hope, Jimmy.

7 36 Sophie Paterson's potentially second last performance on Idol is just a little bit cheery and she does that when she's B3, doesn't she? She gets very smile-y (she did the same thing last week with her repeat perf of 'Ana's Song') and 'Papa Was A Rollin' Stone' ain't a really terribly happy song. She sings it remarkably similarly to last night, but with slightly better pitch. whatserface tells her she looks hot and they giggle girlishly about Sophie being in the B3 again. Sophie looks resigned to going home.

7 38 G manhandles his boy, Mark Spano to centre stage so he can re-sing 'Keep Me Hangin' On', sans awesome hand movements. He kicks it nicely, but the voice sounds a bit rough. I suspect there was some serious drinking going on at the ARIAs. G chirps that it was a powerful performance from Mr Mark Spano and then, for real I am not making any of this up, can't take his freaking hands off the guy. They're in looooooove. Jimmy immediately does his best to seperate them.

7 42 Dicko is particularly surprised about Spanner being in the B3, Marcia is too but says also that Sophie's pitch was still not great and that Teale is sick but shouldn't let it show. I'm guessing he's also still hungover from last night. Kyle is horrified that Mark is B3 but gets why the other two are there. You guys, it's TOTALLY because he was first up and everyone missed his performance, I'm telling you. G gets Teale's number wrong but quickly corrects himself. Unsurprisingly, he does not get Mark's numbers wrong but there's a steely tone in his voice as he suddenly realises that in the next segment, he'll be stuck on the couch with the other Idols and won't be able to take his usual position sitting next to his boy. Mathieson rubs his hands with glee.

7 47 G sulks on the couch with Luke, Wes, Roshani (who SO should have been in the B3) and Chrislyn. He's one petulant lower lip away from refusing to read the teleprompter until Mark is back on the couch with him. Mathieson throws an arm around Spano (practically crowing at G) as he asks if it sucks going from the high of performing and the ARIAs to being B3. Unsurprisingly, Mark answers in the affirmative. He gets a call from Maggie in Melbourne who loves him slightly more than G does. G pouts a little more. If he makes it through to The Rolling Stones next week, he's going to be singing 'Angie'. Yum! Sign me up for some of that, thanks!

7 51 whatserface and Sophie (why does Sophie ALWAYS get Coulter??) talk about how Sophie's developed her style over the last month or so and Ricardo from Nowra wants to know if Sophie was going to be coming back to Aus if she hadn't gotten into Idol. He then also asks about The List, which we all covered last week with The Dread Pirate Pengilly and wants her to marry him. Mathieson dryly tells him to nick (fuck) off because "we've got Lava Life for that sort of thing."

7 53 Mathieson and Teale talk about throat infections and Teale knew he was going to be B3 again tonight so took it easy at the ARIAs. Mathieson is horrified that Teale's fan Jenny's question basically amounts to, "is your dad's brother Steve, I pashed him as a teenager?" There is much laughing and scared eyes from Teale over this turn of events.

7 55 The Cadbury's Performance and a Half is Chrislyn's hip swivelling scary-fying of John Foreman.

8 00 Previous Idols pick their faves : Jess Mauboy says Wes, Anthony Callea picks Chrislyn, Natalie Gauci and I are still on the same wavelength as she picks Mark, Axel Whitehead pimps for Wes and Damien Leith Irish's at us that "it's all coming down to the lads this year" and are you still reading my blog, Irish?! I made that call already. But you're not wrong. So long as things tonight go the right way, that is.

8 02 Luke seems to still be a little drunk from the ARIAs and got Kasey Chambers to cop to wanting a photo with him but not for her, for a friend (sure, Kasey, that's the excuse they all use). Roshani babbles about how well the previous Idols have done and how comforting that is and really? Because only Guy Sebastian was nominated at all last night, The Gauc didn't even sell enough singles to make Highest Selling Single nomination with the winner's single, and that's the first time that's happened. If a girl wins, she's toast, Roshani. She's crumpets, she's muffins, she might as well butter herself up, slap on some vegemite and then drop herself condiment side down onto the fluffy carpet of the music industry, because her career is likely going into the bin. That metaphor TOTALLY got away from me. G, staring down the barrel of losing his boyfriend Mark, sucks up to Mathieson about how awesome he was on the ARIAs and flutters his eyelashes.

8 06 Gabriella Cilmi can barely string a sentence together and seems constantly stoned. I'm sure she's not. (I'm sure she's not, Gabriella Cilmi's laywers, please stop sending me warrants.)

8 08 I can't even tell you how jealous I am that the Idols got to freaking meet Richard E Grant, I guarantee that most of them, possibly all of them, have no bloody idea who he is. He's Richard E fucking Grant. I can't even watch the segment, I'm so depressed by that. I mean, if they knew who he was, they would have shown at least one of them getting excited about meeting the guy from 'Withnail and I'. Or even 'Hudson Hawk', I don't ask much . . .

8 13 HotCarl!! HotCarl!! HotCarl needs a haircut but he's still remarkably HOT and talks about working with the Navy to get a new theme song or something, I don't know, I was too distracted by HOTCARL back on my show!! It does allow Mathieson to make a joke about Seaman Idol. And dude, I'd TOTALLY recap that show. G laughingly picks himself up off the floor, wags a naughty finger at Mathieson and goes to have a good lie down.

8 15 Gabriella Cilmi's latest completely forgettable single 'Save The Lies'. Urgh. At least, 'Sweet About Me' was catchy, this is just . . . awful.

8 19 whatserface TOWERS over John Foreman, who knew she was that tall? Squeaky Foreman is organising some singing thing with kids and I was too taken aback by the almost foot and a half of height she has on him to really pay attention, my GOD. She's a giantess. If I fire her, she's totally going to stomp on me with one of her giantess feet, isn't she?

8 24 Verdict time. Mathieson and G recap what the judges said and first person safe is . . . Teale??!! For real if Mark goes home, both G and I will be pissed and someone will pay, I tell you this now. G grits his teeth as we go to the break.

8 31 Kyle, Marcia and Dicko all think Spanner should stay, but Dicko has a horrible sinking feeling it's Mark. If he goes, can they override the decision?? whaterface would lose her mind if that happened. It might almost be worth it . . . no! I jest! Mathieson announces it's Sophie and for real, my heart was in my throat. He's okay, he's okay, he's okay. Ohhh Sophie. I liked you more than the other girls left. Mathieson jokes that they're not going to pay for the flight back to Heathrow.

8 33 Man, her original stuff is just great and her performance of The Stone's 'Satisfaction' was kick ASS. They show a third of INXS and La Lauper raving about her unique voice. Her last song is her BRILLIANT arrangement of The Potbelleez 'Don't Hold Back'. It highlights her bizarre pronunciation, the quaver, the mournful tones and I'd still buy this as a single.

8 37 G does a little dance of Both My Boyfriends Are Still On The Show as he officially announces that next week is Rolling Stones week (he doesn't care that his boyfriends already let that news out, he's just so happy they're both still there) - and there goes the opportunity to hear Sophie croon The Sundays' version of 'Wild Horses'. That would have been ace. Bye Soph!

TallulahBelle Out.

So, what you're saying is the show was on an hour earlier?

Oh my god. You guys. You GUYS. Idol started at SIX THIRTY. At SIX THIRTY. I only switched my tv on at 6.45. I missed Spano. I missed Spano. And YouTube is giving me no love, instead I've watched his 'Come Said The Boy' performance from the semi finals twice and immersed myself in the Sixty Minutes piece about Great White sharks to make myself feel better. Hello my pretties . . . ooh, what biiiig teeth you have! (And, like every shark story you're ever going to ever see ever again in the history of I Wonder If It Hurts When They Go Chomp, they show Heather Boswell swimming for her life from the great white who took most of her leg. Of course Sixty Minutes, being the PILLAR of ethical, fact checking journalism greatness that the show is, mistakenly attributes her being in the water while she was on a tourist jaunt, when all they needed to do was google her properly or - I don't know - watch any one of the fifty different documentaries that show the footage of her being attacked and where she then talks about how she was there working on a research ship, of which I think I've seen fifteen of them in the last year alone. Seriously Sixty Minutes; Shark Week on The Discovery Channel. Discover it.)

And of course if it's ARIA night, then that means no Mathieson. Which means all the homoerotic content of tonight's show would have occurred as G flirted his little heart out over his ongoing bromance with who? Mark Spano, that's who. AND I MISSED THAT. The homoerotic content of Idol is what gets me through most episodes, people. The sly sidelong glances between G and Mathieson. The touching. The teasing. The pet names. The LOVE. I need the love. How am I expected to make it through an episode without the love?

Oh, and something else harshing my gig, hardcore? That I can't even pick on whatserface Coulter because her marriage just broke up. That's, like, not even cool. How am I meant to mercilessly pick on her as she RUINS MY SHOW whilst her heart is (probably) broken? Why you ruining my weekend, Idol? What's that about? Huh? I'm so distressed by this turn of events I'm not even going to attempt to suggest better songs for the Idols to do. There. Are you happy, show? You've made me not care.

Edited to add later that night
Oooh!! Thank this lovely person for uploading Mark Spano's performance on to YouTube! It's sans judges comments, which really, would make everything go just that little bit faster anyway. He's singing The Supreme's 'You Keep Me Hangin' On'. Ohhh, in a bid to keep poor G from missing his boy Mathieson too terribly much tonight, Spanner is wearing Jimmy's skinny black tie. Those boys, looking out for each other like that. It's just so darling. I can feel the love! I'm a little weirded out to start with because Mark's just standing at his microphone, he's not doing The Mark Spano Crouch or The Mark Spano Head Tilt, he's just standing there singing. It all becomes crystal clear when he throws his arm to the right, along with the backing vocalists, and it's so very The Supreme's 'Stop (In The Name Of Love)' and DUDE, I'd have paid him good money to do that song and wear the slinky Diana Ross dress and the elbow length gloves and get all Beyonce in Dreamgirls sassy on us. Anyway, back to the actual song he is doing, he Callea Points, but (unlike others who will do it later) as this is quite obviously a choreographed Callea Point, I am willing to forgive him this one. But you only get one, Spanner. Use it wisely. He sings it nicely, throwing in some foot tapping, the Crouch, the Head Tilt, some incorrect lyrics and then finishes it off with a full blown jesus pose with head tilt at the very end.

The judges say stuff. Happily, I have no idea what it was but at a guess;
Dicko: love you, you're awesome, your song choice is stellar, that's steeped in Motown-y tradition, have you been listening to my iPod again?
Marcia: you go girlfriend, that's what I'm talking about, meet me backstage for a joint?
Guy: I'm glad I wasn't on the same season as you and The Messiah, you guys would have eaten me for breakfast even if technically I have a far superior voice but still, you scare me a little and I think your neck might be bigger than my thigh, did you know I'm not a virgin anymore?
Kyle: I've never heard that song before but Dicko said it was an important song so I'm faking that I do and can someone tell me why they keep letting people on the panel who patently have more of an idea about how to do this than I do even when the person who proceeds to outjudge me in this particular instance is a kid who has been in the industry only slightly longer than I've had this shirt?
G: Seriously, Jimmy won't be back for hours and besides he'll be all distracted by both Hamish and Andy, and my dressing room is soundproof, whaddya say?

I turn on the tv and hastily press record just as Sophie Paterson starts wailing 'Papa Was A Rollin' Stone' best remembered for the version by The Temptations. She starts this off nicely enough and the bizarre kind of vibrato she has naturally in her voice suits the slower parts of this song. It's after the chorus however, that things go a little . . . haywire. Sophie steers wildly off pitch and she's trying to hit all these big notes and it doesn't seem to be paying off. I don't know, it's still very Sophie but it's nowhere near as compelling a performance as the last three weeks have been (including 'Ana's Song' from last week which wasn't great vocally but I still liked from an emotional viewpoint) and I would expect at this point that a position in the Bottom Three has just been earmarked and bronzed for her (and also Teale) from now until . . . well . . . for as long as it's needed really. Which probably won't be too long . . .

Marcia says Sophie got a lot of what Guy mentored to her and I'm assuming he said she needed attitude because Marcia says that's the most she's shown, and she would have liked to have seen even more. Guy (and is this a world first? Having an exContestant and winner come back as a guest judge? Has Kelly Clarkson judged next to a blissed out Paula Abdul? I feel like if I'd seen the start of the show, G would have told me. Damn it) liked that we saw a different side of her, noting that she's been previously very folky and "breathy" and that she gave that a lot of guts but he still would have liked to have seen more, the "next level (of) Sophie". Kyle says for him, she's just under where she needs to be. He says she may be a slow growing flower that hasn't bloomed yet but that if that's the case, she doesn't have long left to grow. (There's a joke there about fertiliser and the equivalent that spews forth from the judges mouths that I'm too mature to make. I'll just wait whilst you make your own. You done? Excellent. You're funny!) He finishes up by saying he liked the start but by the end he thought it was a little bit screechy. Man, I hate it when we agree. Dicko lauds her "sour tones" and "really nice distinct, alternative folk voice" but he barely recognised the second half of the song - and he's totally right. (Kyle was also right, but Dicko just puts it better. Plus I like him more. Shut up, Kyle.) G and Sophie cutely wave hello to her Dad. I am too concerned at the helmut hair G is rocking tonight to notice he's being adorable with her.

Sidebar; I'm watching the ARIAs as I finish this up and several things strike me. Mathieson looks lost without G. Sam Sparro is as gorgeously nerdy as I ever like my boys to be. Pete Murray needs a haircut. John Butler does not (and looks really good without the dreadlocks). Gabriella Cilmi is one hard looking seventeen year old, the phrase 'rode hard and put away wet', springs to mind. The lead singer of Faker is one seriously flat singer. And I want some of whatever it is that The Presets are smoking.

Luke has had a Dickens of a week! Sorry. SORRY. Anyway, his wife gave birth something like halfway through last weeks Monday night eviction show (bye Thanh! We miss your overwrought renditions of Our Favourites! Not! But seriously, you were a nice guy and just lovely and composed about getting booted from the show when I eventually saw it two days after it happened. Also? Singing 'The Winner Takes It All' as your final song? GORGEOUS touch of irony that I like to think was deliberate. Well played, young man, well played) and about two months early, so I hope the little whippersnapper is doing well. One can assume so or Luke would surely be with his missus and sprog (he totally calls his kid sprog, don't you think?) instead of hanging out with Mr Guy Sebastian. The Temptations get their second song of the night as Luke has aptly chosen 'My Girl' and is dedicating it to his better and more exhausted half. During his segment with Guy, he seems to be really hitting those higher notes nicely, sliding up to them with ease but when he gets on stage (looking sharp in a suit, sans tie) he sounds rougher and struggles a lot more to hit them. But still? This is kind of great to see/hear. He's clicking his fingers, he's swaying side to side, he's crooning his heart out. Who knew this guy could do that? Light and shade? Signed, sealed, delivered, Dicko, it's yours.

. . . sorry.

Guy says it was a perfect song but to be honest, thought that it would be a bit more of A Moment and wants to know if he's slept much. Luke brushes that aside and says it's no excuse he should have put that aside and for real, this guy actually wants to win this damn thing, doesn't he? Don't let the lackadaisical attitude throw you off, this boy is playing to win. Kyle says he's become a father and a singer and as Dicko has requested, has given them something different and advocates sleep at all times. Dude just had a kid, he won't be sleeping properly for the next ten to fifteen years, loser. Dicko is excited by the light and shade he brought, but says that he did it better in rehearsal when he made Dicko cry just a little bit - awwwww - and he's shown he can be a recording artist and not just a pub singer. Dicko gets Marcia to repeat what she said at the rehearsal and it's exactly what Kyle just said about becoming a father and a singer and someone is cribbing someone else's notes . . . I'm just saying. Kyle. G jokingly chastises us, saying if we don't vote for Luke we'll be stealing food from his baby's mouth . . . whatserface jokes about the baby having facial hair. Look, I don't want to do it but I have no defense in the face of her lameness. She's fired.

Sidebar; Jensen Ackles in the new ad for tomorrow nights episode of Supernatural growling at Jared Padalecki that "If I didn't know you, I would want to hunt you"? Is about the sexiest fucking thing on tv at the moment. I've only started watching Season Four but I may have to just throw my hands up in the air and watch this episode as a stand alone because DUDE.

It's time for a little Marvin Gaye (and Tammi Terrell) with Teale Jakubenko's choice of 'Ain't No Mountain High Enough' (although my favourite version is from the Sister Act 2 closing credits. Shut up.) Teale was quite happy about Motown week but Guy has seen enough episodes of this season to know how very boring Teale's singing is and tries to get him to do some adlibs during the song, showing him where to belt and where to hold off and when Guy does his best Marvin Gaye, he sings Teale out of the motherfucking building without even breaking a sweat. Teale - oy - starts off sitting in the audience - for all of two seconds. Look, if you're going to sit in the aisle, stay there for more than that or don't freaking bother. And when he sings "to keep me from getting to you, babe", he Callea Points to the camera when he sings "you". Thank GOD Fosse is at rehearsals and has given up on this season of Idol because right there? We'd be less one tv in this house. Also, trying to impress the wrong exIdol contestant/judge Teale, it's Sebastian this week. Don an afro and trill for Jesus, then you'll be closer. Once again he sings reasonably well but it's just so vanilla. Oh well, at least he's staying away from those really high notes that he . . . oh, I spoke too soon. The end is a bit of a mess.

Kyle says Teale is plateauing the same as Sophie and did he get anything from the workshop with Guy this week? Teale practically froths at the mouth as he raves about how great Guy is. Kyle says he loves him too and doesn't at all mention that Guy rarely gets played on his radio station - oooh, lets have Irish on soon so that Kyle can get his name wrong and pretend that they play his music all the time!! Kyle thinks Guy gave Teale more confidence and that he's lifted. Dicko tells him it's a pretty big song to choose and is "the Motown version of let's get ready to rumble" and what he gave was another clean performance and he's pretty sick of waiting for him to break out of that. He says he may have to accept that with Teale "still waters run still". Marcia prattles on about Teale doing what he has to and if that means he needs to start by sitting next to his girlfriend at the start of the song to get a loose comfortable performance out of him then so be it. Guy mutually raves back at Teale about listening to everything they talked about and loved it.

Chrislyn Hamilton is rocking the third Temptations song of the night with 'Get Ready' and really, like Wes and Mark with Rock last week, this week should be easy peasy for Chrislyn. Guy wants her to pull something new out of her bag, encouraging her to throw some hip shaking momma moments into her song. Chrislyn's hair is unforgiveable again. As is her dancing, or whatever you call that thing that she does right next to poor John Foreman. And the multiple myriad dumbass overly theatrical faces she pulls singing this song. But her singing is back to being aces again. Her glory note is not great, it wavers all over the place but this is still the best she's been in AGES.

Dicko says he couldn't take his eyes off her, for the good reasons - and says when she picks the right song she just tears it up. Marcia tells her she knows she did well, getting all 'girlfriend' and smirky with her and then compliments the dress she's wearing. Which I thought was hideous. Guy is briefly inhabited by the lame ass ghost of You Promised Me Mark Holden Was Gone And This Is The Third Touchdown I've Had to Recap This Season and throws her a TD. Kyle was slightly horrified by the "groin grinding" and says the performance was great and "undescribable" (not a word, he means INdescribable. I bet he says irregardless as well. Ugh.)

I'll actually pay this one - G throws to whatserface Coulter who has a nervous Wes next to her and she jokes that he wants to know how to follow a TD and she dryly drops "You don't. Quit" and if she could bring that kind of dry, quick retort to the show more, I would fire her less.

The contestant I named for the son of a carpenter is singing 'If I Were A Carpenter' by The Four Tops. I could not make this shit up. That is awesome. Except for the part where I don't like this song at all. But Wes Carr doesn't care about that as he is mentored by Guy about how to make this many covered song his own. Also, the whole way through this bit you can just see that The Messiah is itching to steal Guy's silly hat and make that his own. Sadly, he does not. He does however kind of own this song, folking it up beautifully, starting simply and building nicely and his voice sounds great. I kind of wish he'd kept the arrangement simple and crooned the whole thing instead of letting the band in and getting all high tempo and foot tappy with it, but never mind, it's still good.

Marcia says the performance was absolutely spellbinding, and says he's one of the best storytellers they've had on the Idol stage. Guy pins on his #1 Wes Carr Fan badge and tells him he could make a record tonight. Well, not tonight, because these guys have to get themselves to the ARIAs but, The Messiah knows what you mean Guy. He also notes that he's pretty sure that ladies would absolutely want to be his babies (even though the lyric is "would you have my baby", not be) which of course leads Kyle to say that Wes is HUGE in the homosexual crowd partly because they love the whole jesus look. Kyle puts on his much much bigger #1 Wes Carr Fan badge and says as far as they're all concerned, he's ready now. Dicko loves that he took a Motown song, started it off folky and built it and then gets all mushy about having Guy on the panel, raving about him five years later behaving like an artist.

Sidebar; Californication is on whilst I've stopped the tape for a moment to get another coffee and David Duchovny is being dry humped by Callum Keith Rennie in his kitchen. Man, they really want me to watch this show again, don't they? Holy shit! Judy Greer is in it too? This show wants me to have its babies.

Itty bitty Roshani Priddis would fit into the box Diana Ross keeps her wigs in when she travels. She's going to be singing one of my favourite Supreme's song 'Reflections', which was the theme song for tv show 'China Beach' back in the day. Man, I loved that show. It got weird in the last season though. Am I right in remembering that Dana Delaney's character McMurphy had something going with Jeff Kober's Dodger at some point after the Vietnam war? Excuse me, I need to look at some episode guides (god, no wonder this show takes so freaking long to recap, I get caught up on the weirdest tangents). It looks like the answer is no, but I did recently watch Season Six of Buffy that Jeff Kober is in. Bad Willow guts him like a fish and takes all his magic. And Dana is on Desperate Housewives these days, man even the promise of Nathan Fillion on that show couldn't make me watch that. Tangent. Annnyway, Guy says she sings flawlessly as usual but confesses that when he was on the show he would get so nervous that he would trill all over the place (yes, but you did it SO well and you were the first real exposure we had to that kind of oversinging so we let you, Guy and we loved you for it. It's true though, that we have not been as kind to those who came after you. EmilyTheColdlyAnointedOne) and he wants her to not fall into that trap. He gives her some great advice about using her breath to focus the note instead of vocal gymnastics and god bless you, Mr Sebastian. I have to say, this song is just not a good one for her and we need to have another Contestants Choice night to let Roshani get her mojo back, stat. Her lower register does NOT translate well through the mike and my Philips TV, in fact I can barely hear it at the start. She's too breathy and - I can't believe I'm saying this about a song by The Supremes, but - too girly, not to mention pitchier than Sophie was. She's also trilling and glory noting all over the place. The arrangment is a freaking mess and she totally loses the melody at the end. Oh dear.

Guy says he loves what she does and she's so full of life etc but this was supposed to be her week, she's a soul singer and they did everything they could but it wasn't the best song to showcase what she does. He says he still thinks she's brilliant but it was a bad song choice. Kyle agrees and then babbles about her not being on fire enough and then threatens to squirt her with lighter fluid and set her alight. That's not cool, man. So not cool. Dicko is as confused as the rest of us as to why Kyle is threatening to harm Roshani but moves on. He says it should have been a home game for her as the shows 'soul sister' and then meanly calls 'Reflections' a dogs breakfast and HEY, it's a GREAT song, just because Roshani KILLED it dead doesn't mean you have to be mean to it, Dicko, back OFF. He tells her she needs to work on her pitch because it lets her down time after time and at this point in the comp, that ain't good enough. Marcia shakes her head sadly with her Disappointed Face on (she keeps it in a bowl of water under the desk. Interesting note, Kyle once accidentally drank that water and couldn't unpurse his lips for three and a half weeks. It tastes lemony, is what I've heard) and says she isn't going to tell her anything she doesn't know and hang on, but lady, isn't that your freaking JOB? Tell them when they've gone way off track, when they making poor decisions, you are there to help them and . . . oh, forget it, we're so close to done here, I'm just going to say Shutup Marcia and move on. Kyle disses the high pants she's wearing, Marcia babbles some more about giving her "some constructive" advice and why would you want to ruin a perfect record by starting now, Marcia? She does in fact give her some good advice about listening to the band and the backing vocals to keep in pitch and then G comes out and derides Sandilands for being jealous about not being able to wear high pants because "he hasn't seen his belly button since 1993". Get that man a glass of fine scotch and his Mathieson, he's earned them both.

Bottom three; Teale, Sophie, Roshani. I imagine Teale or Sophie will go. I'd start packing if I were either of them.
Top three; Wes, Luke, Mark and Chrislyn. So, top four.

TallulahBelle out.

Songs In The Key Of Firing Ricki Lee

In deference to the fact that she is driving me bug eyed freaking crazy and RUINING MY SHOW, tonight's theme is Songs In The Key Of Firing Ricki Lee (it completely and utterly rhymes, say it out loud!! Go on, you know you want to!) It out RAWKS their lacklustre RAWK theme night in which both Kirk Pengilly and one of the Farrissesss (Farrissi?) - not the hot one - prove to be not one tenth as helpful as La Lauper or as entertaining as Fosse's Husband Darren Hayes. FYI, the hot Farriss is Jon, the drummer. One night Rage had an All INXS video night and my then housemate Flick and I realised Jon Farriss had been remarkably hot for a large portion of our childhood and we had never noticed. Then I watched Rockstar INXS and realised it was no longer an issue.

(Pengilly is still rocking the riDICulous facial hair he had during Rockstar INXS. He and Luke are going to get along like gangbusters. Then they'll team up and go get a wooden leg, a parrot, an eye patch and scurvy as they hit the open seas. Garrrrr.)

Speaking of hot drummers, Luke Dickens is going to do Lenny Kravitz's 'Are You Going To Go My Way' and the drummer from that film clip made me question my sexuality during my university days. Man, she was cool. And hot. She also made me question the laws of thermodynamics. The INXS boys say Luke's a front man in desperate need of a band. They disagree about how they want him to start the song and Brother Farriss hilariously suggests he shave his beard whilst the band kicks the intro. Yeah, when they start playing this song I just want to get up and madly dance at the Metro in Freo with my uni friends. I wonder if the Sail and Anchor pub still has $2 middies (pots for you eastern staters). This song actually lets Luke get a little bit more musicality into his performance, he hits it all quite nicely, playing well with the band and the BV's, finishing with the drummer - who is not hot but who I am sure is a delightful person, nonetheless. Luke continues to surprise and entertain me, although really, RAWK was always going to be a good week for him.

Dicko agrees, calling it a great start to the show but then goes on to say he needs to highlight some different flavours in his voice although it was great for RAWK. Luke throws a "yeah, mate" at him and the audience chuckles. Oh, the funny Outback Blokey Aussie Guy, you amuse us. Apparently. Marcia reluctantly agrees with Dicko that it was one of the best openers they could have wished for on RAWK night but he needs light and shade. The Dread Pirate Pengilly is chuffed he listened to him and Brother Farriss and is amazed that three months ago Luke was singing to his tractor. Kyle wants to know what Luke's going to do for Motown next week (oh, good god) but Luke slyly refuses to tell only promising that he'll like it. G calls it a cracking start and then (Gladys Knight and the) Pips it up at the mike stand, twirling and clicking his fingers and then requesting a copy of the tape for his audition for the Australian Cast of Jersey Boys.

Luke's Song In The Key Of Firing Ricki Lee; Luke's going to sing Pat Benetar's 'All Fired Up' and as a finale he'll set whatserface on fire using the whisky he drinks nightly to rasp his throat, as accelerant.

whatserface drops it that Thanh Bui will be singing . . . Linkin Park's 'Shadow of the Day'? Buh? Is there some new Boy Band called Lincoln Parka who are an homage to the sixteenth President of the United States and the day he wore an anorak that I'm not aware of? She surely can't mean the Linkin Park? Can she? I mean, she gets shit wrong all the time so we're just going to sit quietly here and wait and see if she read the teleprompter wrong. Huh, he is singing Linkin Park. You win this time, whatserface. The Dread Pirate Pengilly convinces Thanh to play the piano for only half the song, which he seems to think will make him look less like a try hard. He's barely playing any chords, why does he have the piano at all? Also, he's missing every second note, no, make that every note. Owie owie, my ears. Thanh, I thought we sorted this out last week, man. Egregious and flagrant abuse of the key change and it just gets worse and worse. This is woeful, make it stop please.

Marcia said that song made her nervous (and also apparently a moll for a New York gangster because she says 'noiverse' like she's auditioning for a part in Jersey Boys) but thought he did well. Was she maybe listening to the original of that song on her iPod and not Thanh's? The Dread Pirate Pengilly was also 'noiverse' but Thanh listened to what they told him and he got up from the piano and therefore The Dread Pirate Pengilly thought it was good. He had the rightside earpiece of Marcia's iPod in, obviously. Kyle says he was so great last week and now seems to be back where he was a couple of weeks ago (cue audience booing) and says he looked around while Thanh was performing and no one really cared that much. Did we see his parents and the glittery-iest, prettiest signs in Idol history tonight, I don't recall, I was too horrified by what Thanh was doing to that song. He says something is missing and he doesn't know what it is. Daddy Dicko knows what it is, he says Thanh has a really capable voice ( . . . ouch, damned with faint praise) but is consciously capable and he needs to be unconsciously capable, don't think it, feel it. Thanh is still the nicest kid on Idol ever and takes it all in his stride.

Thanh's Song In The Key Of Firing Ricki Lee; 'Light My Fire(d)' by The Doors. Then slam her head in a door, repeatedly.

G and Mathieson swoon a little over having groupies and boys, you don't have groupies, you have fangirls. We're an entirely different breed of stalking animal.

This weeks mournful dirge from Sophie Paterson is silverchair's 'Anna's Story'. Dude, that's some melancholy lyric, right there. She'll nail it. The Dread Pirate Pengilly calls her vulnerable and says she needs to stretch herself so that a CD of Sophie's Songs doesn't make people want to kill themselves. Brother Farriss says she has a huge future. She stretches to reach some of the higher notes, not quite hitting them but she emotes nicely, there is enough required angst for this song and it's pretty good but not as good as previous weeks. She continues to not sing brilliantly but there's just something about her that I like more than Roshani and Chrislyn, I guess it's that you could go to the Idol auditions and throw some stones and hit a dozen Roshani's to every one Sophie. I'm shrugging at my computer. I like her, is all. I do NOT like how she moves around the stage, she's very . . . lumpy. Get up! Get UP!

The Dread Pirate Pengilly said it was really good but thinks she needs to work on her stagecraft and engage the audience. He comments that she picked a song that wasn't on The List. Aha! So they can deviate from The List? That's very interesting, thank you, Dread Pirate. Kyle mistakenly takes her comments about growing up as a teenage girl and worrying about her weight to mean that she had anorexia and dude, he doesn't pay attention EVER, does he? At rehearsal he thought she would be the first RAWK disaster because silverchair is HARD to sing (and remember the season the groups had to sing Straight Lines at the Seymour Centre and NO ONE got it right? Daniel Johns has a wicked falsetto, yo. When it works.) but he thinks she's on her way to getting her head above water. Dicko agrees it was a tough song and she did a really good job of it, she kept her pitch under control and had good emotion. He says he needs to step up, personality-wise. Marcia interrupts to agree that she needs to get her some commanding stage presence. Dicko says she needs to sell her message and Kyle puts Sophie on the spot asking what her message is. Sophie is not quick enough on her feet to shoot back with 'World Peace?", Sandra Bullock style but we'll let that pass. G comes out in Sophie's corner, saying if you dramatise a song like that you run the risk of overplaying the seriousness of the song's message about anorexia. He thinks she did a great job.

Sophie's Song In The Key Of Firing Ricki Lee; The Theme From Twin Peaks 'Fire(d) Walk With Me'. And if you could arrange to have whatserface "dead, wrapped in plastic", that'd be tops, thanks Soph. Whilst you're doing that I'll have a slice of cherry pie and a cup of joe, thanks.

The Dread Pirate Pengilly tells Teale Jakubenko he should swing the guitar behind his back and sing without it halfway through and isn't he all about that? What's your issue with committing to the fricking instrument, Dread Pirate? Is this because Michael would never let you sing? (I never saw INXS live, did The Dread Pirate Pengilly ever get to sing?) Teale does not sing 'Slide' by The Goo Goo Dolls at all well (and did anyone else think G was trying not to laugh when he introduced it as "Teale Jakubenko's contribution to RAWK night"? I mean, it's THE GOO GOO DOLLS. Soft . . . ), it's probably the worst he's sounded. He plays the guitar the whole time. Maybe The Dread Pirate Pengilly put the INXS kibosh on him or something for ignoring his advice because his voice is wavering all the hell over the place and it is seriously lame-o.

Kyle calls it soft rock but thinks he did a reasonable job. He dubs it safe and not the best he's been. Dicko says on the plus side Teale's very dependable and on the minus side . . . lather rinse repeat. He says he can get tedious and that with RAWK legends like The Dread Pirate Pengilly and Brother Farriss, he should take the support while he has it and learn and grow and take risks. Brown Sugar hit the crack pipe tonight because she thinks Teale has an incredible sexual appeal. Buh? She also thinks throwing the guitar over his shoulder would have been The Business. She wants him to entertain us. The Dread Pirate Pengilly and his moustache are disappointed with Teale. He hoped Teale would do something that would make us go wow - he did, Dread Pirate, just not in a good way - like throw his guitar away or throw down the microphone stand. He tells him he needs to step up and push himself. Mathieson feels up Teale, kicks over the mike stand and then threatens to smash Teale's guitar on the floor. Heee.

Teale's Song In The Key Of Firing Ricki Lee; The Prodigy's 'Fire(d)starter'. Take one (1) whatserface Coulter. Dress in rayon low cut dress. Hairspray coif to within an inch of its life. Stand upright in BBQ. Light match. Stand at least three feet back to avoid loss of eyebrows.

Roshani Priddis says you don't want to stand in front of INXS (or, you know, a third of it) and sing some naff pop wannabe rock song (like something by The Goo Goo Dolls, for instance, Teale?) Brother Farriss and The Dread Pirate Pengilly think she has a great voice and can do anything. Hmm. Whilst you can't have RAWK night without some Foo Fighters I don't know that Roshani will appropriately RAWK up 'The Pretender'. She's half again the size of The Great And Awesome Dave Grohl, will she have enough grunt? She's being much too pretty with the lyric and no, this is the kind of song you get drunk on tequila and then have fast, hard, unapologetic sex with up against the dank, dark, many times peed upon wall of some skanky nightclub at three am and neither of you have to call the other in the morning. This may be a recurring sexual fantasy I have about His Grohlness . . . I do like the chorus, but not the rest of it.

Wha . . . why are Dicko and Marcia giving her a standing ovation? Dicko calls it his favourite air guitar song of all time and says that if she'd gotten it wrong he was going to have to 'go' her. He says she tore it apart, it was full of energy and she stood out from the crowd. Marcia loves The Foo and calls her performance the most committed, hit you in the face, slamming thing she's done on stage. The Dread Pirate Pengilly jokes it was crap but then calls it excellent. He says she's just great and did everything they asked for, he likes it when they do that, doesn't he? Kyle is impressed that she can be a 'sultry sally' one week and then grab the contest by the frigging throat, which is what she did this week. When G comes out, he immediately slides his feet out from his body so he sinks down a little and doesn't tower too much over Roshani. He's just the best!

Roshani's Song In The Key Of Firing Ricki Lee; 'The Christmas Song' by Torme and Wells so we can all imagine whatserface's chestnuts roasting on an open fire(d).

Wes Carr is Bono-ing it up, with U2's 'Desire'. The Dread Pirate Pengilly notices that Wes has a habit of going hell bent for leather and wants him to build the song instead. Brother Farriss plays a tambourine. There are no hats anywhere to be seen although G does comment that U2 used to wear a lot of cowboy hats in 1989; really disappointingly The Messiah does not come out with one perched upon his noggin. He sings great, his leg twitches, he almost loses me when he finger guns at the camera when he sings "shotgun". And I'm more than a little pissed off with the constant really tight close up, until they pull back to reveal The Messiah has produced a harmonica from NOWHERE (possibly his jeans back pocket but it's so close to water into wine that I'm just going with it because you guys, HARMONICA!!!) Shaneequa says he's just trying to be Bono. Aren't we all though? Aren't we all? Also, can Bono play the harmonica? And produce it from NOWHERE?? Huh? I don't think so. He is SO one of the final two standing, it's not even funny.

Marcia gives us one of her oldies "that's what I'm talking 'bout". She lauds his use of the stage and then she blathers and look, he made her speak in tongues!! Dicko wants to know what it's like for The Dread Pirate Pengilly sitting on a panel with his ex mother-in-law and I totally forgot he used to be married to Deni. He calls him the full package, citing it as the best performance of the night. Kyle makes eyes at Wes gushing that he knows he's not meant to have favourites but Wes is totally his favourite. Then he makes him a little friendship bracelet and uses sunscreen to write 'Kyle and Wes BFF 4eva' on his thigh and sits in the sun for four hours so he has a burn tattoo. Mathieson tries to cut the night short by cutting off Dicko and hey! We'll have none of that, Jimmy, back to the side of the stage and let Daddy talk. Dicko reminds him that he was worried he was going to plateau at some point and he can consider that monkey off his back and agrees it was the best perf of the night.



The Messiah's Song In The Key Of Firing Ricki Lee
Kill (whatserface) Bill
Scene : Interior Boardroom. The lighting is dim, yet arty.

A pastiche of impeccably chosen retro 70's classics segues into Tomoyasu Hotei's "Battle Without Honor or Humanity" as the Contestants of Australian Idol 08 find themselves seated around a large rectangular table, the judges at the head and whatserface Coulter in the middle.

Andrew G and Mathieson stand on either side of The Messiah at the head of the table as he leaps through the air, pulls his samurai sword from his belt and in one clean swoop, removes the head of whatserface Coulter who has queried if he really needs to wear a hat tonight because she never wore a hat when she was on Aus Idol, but you saw her on the show that year, right, she didn't win but that totally had nothing to do with her not wearing a hat, right?

He turns to the judges, calmly wiping the gore from his sword on his hemp tunic, flicking his shiny Jesus locks over his shoulder and picking up the bloody head by one of its stupid stupid earrings.

As he speaks, G calmly translates into text and emoticon speak for the Idols and younger viewers.

The Messiah : "As your leader, I encourage you from time to time, and always in a respectful manner, to question my logic. If you're unconvinced that a particular plan of action I've decided is the wisest, tell me so, but allow me to convince you and I promise you right here and now, no subject will ever be taboo. Except, of course, the subject that was just under discussion. The price you pay for bringing up either my hats or the wearing of such as a negative is... I collect your fucking head. Just like this fucker here. Now, if any of you sons of bitches got anything else to say, now's the fucking time!"

G : " <3 ;) lol brb ROFLMAO @ u :( OMG ??!!1111?!"

The judges look nervously at each other.

Wes : "I didn't think so"
G: *pwn*

He drops the head carelessly on the table.
Her glassy dead eyes stare at Marcia.
They seem to say 'You're next.'
Marcia gulps.
End scene.

(Then later in the show Mark Spano, wearing a yellow jumpsuit, TOTALLY goes head to head in a samurai sword fight to the death with The Messiah and scalps him. I'm just saying.)

Sidebar; Shut up Katy Perry. Also, was she stoned? Or is she JUST as annoying in real life as her songs are?

G plays 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' on the gi-tar as we come back from the break and someone in the audience screams "I love you Andrew G" and no it wasn't me. Unless you could hear me from my place, because I totally do! Mathieson tells him to hit the showers (subtext; wait for me before you shampoo, you know you sleep better when I massage your scalp.)

Chrislyn Hamilton has No Doubt's 'Don't Speak' completely incorrectly figured out. She thinks its an angry song. Well. Maybe superficially, but really, if you listen to the lyric and the lazy way Gwen Stefani sings this song it's actually more a kind of fed up, hand wavy, get out of my face, dude we are DONE, kind of song. If you wanted to do an angry, spitting, venomous No Doubt song, then 'Just A Girl' is the song. Man, Gwen is pissed when she sings that song. The Dread Pirate Pengilly and Brother Farriss think she could pretty much sing anything but that they need to try and make it RAWK because this? Ain't RAWK. She starts off wildly out of key and it takes about a third of the song to get back. Shaneequa can't forgive the hair. She builds it up in the middle but as soon as she drops it again and screeches out of key towards the end, she loses it again completely. Chrislyn's worst performance of the whole season. That SUCKED.

The Dread Pirate Pengilly and Chrislyn talk about the fact that she was crying a little and dude, there's no crying in baseball or Idol, what's that about? He says it was a difficult song and she RAWKed it up more than it was in rehearsals and it was really good. Whatever, go rape and pillage some tiny island nation, dude. Kyle was worried at the beginning but thinks she smashed it halfway through and thought the last part was great. Urgh. Idiot. He berates the cameraman for missing the wide shot of her throwing the mike stand on the floor and DUDE, you have worked in tv for how long? That kind of thing is in the control of the director who is choosing which camera shot we see, there are multiple and they just happened to be on one who was in tight and not a wide shot. The teamsters move Kyle's car to an undisclosed location and break his windscreen in a show of solidarity. Oy. Dicko finally brings some sense to the table, calling it a clumsy and largely pointless perf, way over the top and over acted. He berates her song choice, why not pick a RAWK song instead of a pop song and trying to RAWK it up? Marcia wants to know what that song means to her and Chrislyn has totally had her heart broken and she gets the pain of that song, Brown Sugar, she does. Marcia notes that a lot of the songs Chrislyn has sung thus far have been about unrequited love and says she's got to use it but not let it take her too far into overacting land. And yes, if she'd gone with the original vibe of the song she might have been able to control her vocal better as well.

Chrislyn's Song In The Key Of Firing Ricki Lee; Green Day's 'Redundant'. No long service leave for you either, RL. Here, I'll help you pack your desk up, man, you have a lot of bobble heads and drink a ton of RedBull. Here, take the stapler with you, no one's looking!

Mark Spano totally geeks out meeting The Dread Pirate Pengilly and Brother Farriss. They want him to aspire to more than pub gigs. G introduces the song, King's of Leon number 'Sex Is On Fire' and I like Andrew G saying 'sex', it makes me giggle. Spanner and his Mother Mary tshirt croon through half closed lids and he tilts his head back and throws down the mike stand and grunts and good goddamn. I can't tear my eyes away from him to make sure I'm typig corecctly. He crucifix poses a bit towards the end but man, it's nice to have you back, Mark. Outstanding singing. Great performance. Memo from Spanner to The Messiah; it is ON, dude.

Kyle crows that it was fantastic and tells him it was spot on. He looked comfortable, he was in the zone, he had that "trippy little eye thing happening". Kyle wants to see that or greater for the rest of the series and if so then he's got a real shot at it. Seriously, I can't say it enough, final two, The Messiah and Spanner. Dicko tells him it was sexy and cool and when he gets it right, it's really right. Dicko says he thinks "Australia's collective female libido felt a bit of a tremor there". Marcia tells him well done and welcomes him back also. The Dread Pirate Pengilly wants to sack Rockstar INXS winner JD and hire Spanner. He calls it an intense "moist" performance and the room gets a little uncomfortable. Mathieson tells viewers to SMS 'Moist' to 19 10 10.

Mark's Song In The Key Of Firing Ricki Lee; 'Fired' by Ben Folds. Additional points to be allocated if Spanner sings the line "every one of you is fired" instead as "every one of you fond of dressing in lavender babydoll dresses and releasing strangely addictive pop songs except for that 'Wiggle It' piece of crap, seriously that is one bad song, is fired!" He just plain wins the whole damn shebang if he shouts out the last line "moottttherfuccccccckerrrrrrrrrssssssss" whilst Foreman breaks his piano stool over the head of the first still weeping for Tom Willams tween he can find.

Bottom Three/Four; Thanh, Teale, Chrislyn
Barely Scraping By; Luke and Roshani
Top Two; Spanner and The Messiah (with Sophie somewhere in between them and Luke.)

Tomorrow night *we* can speak to the judges or the Idols. Yeah, timewasting of the worst kind. And little Jess Mauboy performing her new single! Yay!

whatserface? Fired. Out of a cannon, into the motherfreaking sea.

TallulahBelle out.

Liveblogging; Nine to Eight

7 30 The boys sombrely open the show with the death of Levi and speak fondly of him. That's nice.

7 31 G blue envelopes Madam Parker for the second week in a row, Mathieson puts Roshani Priddis in the Bottom Three and G rounds it out with Chrislyn Hamilton. And I am LITERALLY sitting here with my jaw on the floor that that's the B3. Not that Roshani and Madam don't deserve to be there. But still. Jaw, on the floor. And that ain't good, because I haven't vacuumed this floor in a very long time.

7 33 Madam gives us another lacklustre performance of 'Dancing Queen' and I have to say, I really think this might be her last time performing on Idol. And that's why you don't RnB ABBA. Really, whatserface could have told her all about RnBing classic artists and being PUNISHED by the Idol audience. She asks Madam if she thinks she did enough to prove to Aust that she deserves to be there.

7 35 Roshani doesn't cabaret 'Moneyx3' nearly as much as she did last night but it's still not sung as well as she previously has. And it might actually prove to be between her and Madam as to who goes. Mathieson wonders if it was enough and sends her back to whatserface who wants to know if it was easier to sing without the corset and if she did anything different. Roshani grins that she just sang the sh*t out of it (seriously, she says shit but manages to put an asterisk in the middle of it for the timeslot, it's hella cool) and she and whatserface giggle.

7 38 G winks at Chrislyn (he ADORES the chunky girls, it's how I know he'd LOVE me) to show them (us) why she should stick around and she is FIERCE singing 'Mamma Mia' again. Dude, she's PISSED that she's B3 and she ain't scared to let it bleed into her performance. She is prowling around the stage and she looks a thousand times better than she did last night in a cute sheer black floaty sleeved top. Mathieson and G come out to grin manically at her and tell her she NAILED it. They really want her to stay. I want the boys to be happy so will allow that.

7 42 Dicko says that the new format gives him quite the insight into the performers and says that two of them didn't step up but that Chrislyn cut sick and showed a real defiance. Marcia agrees with Dicko and says they really need to perform when they're in this position. Kyle is surprised at them being the B3. I'm surprised that Teale isn't there. Who is voting for him? Who?

7 47 Mathieson tells Chrislyn it's a shock to him that she's there and asks her what she thinks went wrong. She admits that ABBA was out of her comfort zone and she knows she wasn't as good as she normally is. She has a little quiver in her voice that Jimmy picks up on and she admits to being really scared that she might go. They recap her perf from last night and then when they come back none of the microphones are working. Dead air everywhere! And really, we could have used these kinds of sound issues when Tom Williamson was still around. G jumps to save his boy and chats to Sophie a bit and then when they cut back to Chrislyn and Mathieson, he has an old school mike; it has a cord and everything, it's like an episode of Countdown!! Where's Molly?!

7 50 Because we can't go two fucking seconds without talking to whatserface about her time on Idol, Mathieson discusses wardrobe with her and HILARIOUSLY she compares her tiny, slightly curvy, probably BARELY SIZE TWELVE frame with Chrislyn's. She of the Have You Met My Boobs? low cut tops and the incredibly short dresses, comments that she's very careful about what she wears on stage and good god, someone shut her up.

7 53 We go to backstage footage of Roshani in the corset from hell and she was struggling to both breathe and move in that damn thing, which makes you wonder why she was wearing it? I mean, yeah, you want to look good but still? She does reference Dita Von Teese though, which is ace. Even if she can barely get up the stairs in the stupid thing. She thinks maybe her performance was too left of centre for Australian audiences and no sweetie, Sophie is left of centre. You are smack dab in the middle. Roshani comments she maybe needs to remove some layers and you'd best believe Mathieson is ALL over that comment.

7 54 Mathieson has the unenviable job of interviewing the lacklustre and possibly high (or just shy, I don't know) Madam. Jimmy and Madam go head to head to see who can be the most laid back and slightly monotone. It's a draw.

7 56 The Cadbury Performance and a Half went to Thanh Bui. Man, he really got to people last night, didn't he?!

8 00 Voting lines are closed! Mathieson tells us that all the contestants were worried about forgetting the lyrics; cue Mark Spano who fucked up the lyrics TWICE last night. Marcia tells him to write key words on his hands, remember when Mutto did that? Except that was a Christian thing. Or a Bono thing. Or something. Mark is shocked and slightly ashamed that he's not bottom three and then admits he'll be doing 'Sex On Fire' by Kings of Leon and honestly, Spanner and G are kicking back on the Idol sofa together like they're about to either start playing X-Box or making out. I know which one I'd like to see! They show Mark's original audition and seriously, G is practically picking out china patterns, asking him where the hot machismo from that first audition went. There is giggling and flirting, people. Expect your invites in the mail as soon as the Government allows men to marry men. Get on that, KRudd, these two would look fantastic on top of a wedding cake. Kyle talks about Spanner's new romance and DUDE, G is sitting right there. Dicko smiles that he rewatched the tape and thinks he may have rimmed, I mean reamed, him a little too hard.

8 07 G and the Messiah talk bottoms and Johnny Young Talent Time and Wes knows what a pas de bourree is! I only know because of the movie Centre Stage. Honestly, eleven years of ballet and jazz? Completely wasted on me. Sorry Mum.

8 12 Plug for So You Think You Can Dance (wheeeeee!!! Bring on Season Two!!! I LOVED BroadwayJack and FeyRhys.) Then the boys introduce Metro Station to sing 'Shake Shake'. Trace Cyrus (son of Billy Ray and brother of Miley) is one of the singers. I'm not sure which of the long haired boys who can't sing live is Trace but man, they SUCK live and I love this song. They've ruined it for me. They've (I'm SO sorry) broken my achy, breaky heart. (sorry) Mathieson looks slightly scared by the very tattoed and pierced emo rocker he's talking to (who turns out to be Trace). They throw to that idiot backstage who coos over what a great performance that was. Shut the HELL UP, Ricki Lee. JESUS.

Sidebar; I almost don't know how to say this. I'm excited about the new Baz Luhrman film. It has Nicole Kidman in it. Nicole Kidman. Ms Botox 2008. And still the long trailer got me a little teary and strangely proud. Fosse laughed his ARSE off when I told him. I think it just about made up for the fact that Nomes made me watch Two And A Half Men the other night and I laughed at one of the jokes. Fosse almost threw my stuff out on the front lawn when I confessed to that.

8 21 Recap of the judges opinions . . . and first safe person is . . . Roshani Priddis. Dude. It must be Madam, it can not be Chrislyn, can it? Ad break (ooooh, hellllllllo Jensen Ackles and Season Four of Supernatural even though I haven't finished Season Three, how are you doing?)

8 28 Kyle thinks Chrislyn has been more consistent and gives it more. Marcia watches how Madam is a mother duck to the contestants and says it will be sad if (when) she leaves. Dicko says Chrislyn gives Big Idol Moments week after week and if it's Madam who survives, she needs to start giving more. Based on the votes, it's time to go Madam Parker. No one is terribly surprised. Chrislyn envelopes her in a big hug. She shyly (or stoned-ly) admits to being gutted and Jimmy throws to her package and look! Remember when Madam was interesting! Maybe it's only when she sings that annoying song 'No One' by Alicia Keyes.

8 30 Her last song is 'Closer' that she did the first week of Top Twelve and she's a billion times better singing something she's actually invested in, even if she is still sounding a little nasal. She coughs as she says her thanks and possibly her voice is still not recovered from a few weeks ago when she was sick. We'll give her a pass.

Next Sunday is ROCK WEEK. Make the devil's sign for Kirk Pengilly and Tim Farris from INXS who will be helping out (but not judging right? It's hard enough doing this with three judges, four nearly crippled me and five would DO ME IN. Is that what you want, show? Well, is it??)

TallulahBelle out.