Better Top 12 then last year? I think not.

Last night definitively confirmed for me that to judge a reality show you must sell your soul to the devil. What other explanation can there be for Marcia’s ensemble last night but that due to the lack of soul residing in her body, she can no longer see herself in the mirror. Blood red blouse and nails, fuschia (pink) lipstick, the most hideous ugly bright blue necklace and a jacket that looked like it was left wet inside the Herald Sun. Ugh. (I spent most of the night yelling What Are You Wearing? at the tv screen every time she appeared and was therefore unable to issue many Shutup Marcia’s, mostly because I didn’t hear much of what she said. But I’m sure it sucked. Shutup Marcia.)
I am also almost certain that Channel 10 must have had Dicko held hostage in a back room with a gun to his head and a microphone to his mouth that led directly to Kyle’s ear, because some of the stuff he said sounded just like Dicko. It made sense. And yes, that makes me sad. Pattycakes hypothesised that Kyle had been asked to ‘tone it down’ for the first week, but that he may have taken it too far this time, but would no doubt be back amongst the scummy and mean next week. (Sidenote : Pattycakes would also like to report that he is slowly getting used to my screeching like a banshee during reality tv but would also like me to get over THE TRAVESTY that was BB05 and freaking move on. I have taken this under advisement.)

Ahem. Boy oh boy, or rather girl oh girl, because the chicks kicked the dudes collective ass last night. Yes, even Irene and Chloe. However due to the fickle, fickle, FICKLE voting public I feel sure that only one girl will get through tonight – most likely RockGrrrl Tarni. Possibly Anne will also have sweet sung her way to top three (wasn’t she lovely??) and I hope to be pleasantly surprised to find that to be the case. Anyway. To recap (in order of singing and not in order of awfulness although don’t think I wasn’t tempted) :

Dan : (Dan? Shannon Noll called and he wants his facial hair back.) I quite like this guy so I was a little disappointed that he didn’t totally rock out his song. He was quite obviously nervous and had the sucky job of going first, but still. Not great. He picked up towards the end of the song and hit his strides but I think it may have been too little, too late. Prior to the perf I thought he would be a shoe in for top three being that he’s cute and has the whole Shannon Noll vibe about him that people inexplicably liked in Shannon Noll but I think he may have to be wildcarded.
Jade-Lori : (I want to see JL and Julia Roberts have a Mouth Off. Biiiiig mouth, I mean the shark from Jaws big.) One Thing is one of my fav boppy teen pop songs at the moment and JL did okaaaaay with it. She didn’t make me want to dance so much but I was singing the chorus for about an hour afterwards so she may have stuck in people’s minds. However she has the unfortunate double barrelled name and most people can’t be bothered texting in the hyphen. No top three for her.
Lindsay : (Could join the Mouth Off, but only if he wears the Kiss makeup at the same time because that would be cool.) I don’t like this guy, don’t like his voice, don’t like his attitude, don’t like his song choice BUT I think Mark was UNFORGIVEABLY rude to him and will have landed him a few sympathy votes. His presenting of his arse to Mark for kissing may have struck a nerve with the same people who voted for Daniel Belle last year when he slapped Dicko and Mark down verbally. Potential to slip through despite icky song/performance.
Chloe : (Who?) Yeah, exactly. The chick who did the Kelly Clarkson song and seems completely devoid of anything that might make us remember her except for the fact that she has a good voice. Needs to mug more for the camera, she should spend more time with Irene, the Queen of Mugging. Pretty song, pretty singing but what was her name again? Doubtful.
Seth : (Thankyou, but we already have a Guy Sebastian) He did all the things I hate, vocal gymnastics, microphone finger fluting and he has a mullet. The Mullet That Ate 1987. He sang a blah song blahly. So of course Marcia loved him. Shutup Marcia. The girls may like him. Potential to slip through also.
Anne : (Damn gf, why are you wasting your time in this competition, someone sign her up NOW) Lovely, lovely voice. Perfect song, beautifully performed – she has the same problem as Chloe in regards to rememberability but unlike Chloe, she nailed her song and was great to watch. People will remember the voice. One of the two girls who should get through.
Joshua : (Craig David’s lawyers have contacted Channel 10 to ask Josh to cease and desist his Craig-lite impersonation. I heartily congratulate their speed and wish them well.) Absolute crap. Not a note was hit correctly, he was in the wrong key and looked like he wanted a cuddle from his mum. Too young. Too too too young. But the Brit accent and the admittedly, very cute smile may work with the girls. Another boy who doesn’t deserve to get through but who might. Gah.
Irene : (The Queen of Mugging - seriously, I checked I still had my purse and keys after she performed) This was not as bad as I thought it was going to be, but you can tell she’s done that song at karaoke a THOUSAND times. She also hit her stride by the middle of the song. The dancing was a bit much but if she doesn’t get through tonight - which I suspect - then she at least deserves a wildcard with Dan.
Chris the Wiggle : (Please get a haircut. I’m begging you.) The biggest disappointment of the night. I thought this guy was going to SAIL through to the top 12 but after last night I’m not so sure. I still liked it, but it was bland next to the perf he did to get into the top 30. He should buy as many rabbit feet as he can find and keep his fingers crossed. He can still make it into top three if people go off previous perfs.
Tarni : (Sweet Child of Top Three, here I come) The performance of the night. I made notes last night and next to her name I have written ‘pretty damn good’. The judges said she was holding back too much for her rockgrrrl image but I think she may have done that deliberately, trying not to freak out the mainstream audience too much. She deserves to be top three.

So there you have it, I want the top three to be Chris, Tarni and Anne but I don’t hold out hopes. The girls were two levels above the guys and deserve to make up the top three entirely but they probably won’t which is incredibly unfair. But I’ll just sit here in my own I Can’t Believe Tim Didn’t Win BB05 pool of bile, and fester bitterly - thanks very much.

Please please PLEASE, I've been EVER so good

In a few scant hours we shall know if Australia values intelligence and wit above a good body and the kind of ‘nice’ that your mother hopes you’d bring home, as Lefty Tim battles Gregarious Greg in a battle to see who will cross the Big Brother finish line first. (Actually, I’d like to think that my mother would be well chuffed if I were to bring young Tim home with me. I know my dad would be ecstatic for a labour, lefty son-in-law.)
My fingers are tightly crossed, my hopes are high and I will be MOST ANNOYED if he doesn’t win. Its been such a good time for reality television recently : first Casey won AI, then hunky NY Fireman Tom won Survivour, Kendra kicked Tana’s ass in The Apprentice and Uchenna and Joyce narrowly won The Amazing Race (also awesome just for the looks of defeat plastered across the faces of Rob and Amber.) Although there was only one of these winners who wasn’t what could be classified as an ‘underdog’ (who didn’t think that if he got to the final two that Tom wouldn’t win??!! It was practically written in the stars. Lordy, I miss that man . . . sigh), all of them were what I would classify as worthy winners who have had fabulous success and generally a really fun time. (Poor Casey. Poor, poor, poor Casey).
Tim is another worthy winner for me. Without a doubt my favourite Tim moment was the infamous Dean Slapdown (both rounds one and two), in which our hero Lefty Tim singlemindedly battled the vainglorious Doodoo Dumper of Evil with nary a thought for the fact that physically Dean could have snapped him in two. Instead Tim used his wits, his very big vocab and the fact that his toenail clippings have shown higher signs of intelligence than Dean, and verbally pounded him into the ground. Twice. On national television. With Dean's little piggy eyes flitting left to right in terror and fear spraying across his face as he slowly realised he had taken on an intellect he couldn't browbeat into submission.
Fucking. Gold.
If he doesn't win, I will cry. Lots.