What do you mean there are only six?

Soooo, you may have noticed there was no Idol blog last week.

Here’s how that happened.

Last Sunday night The Year They Were Born So Ridiculously Long Ago That Crap I Feel Old was woeful. All the Idols sucked varying degree of arse to the point where I felt so ambivalent about the whole freaking thing that I put off writing it until Tuesday, thinking at least I would then have the schadenfreud-y goodness of writing about Marty or Daniel after they were gone and I never had to see them again. And then of course, That Awful Thing Happened. My favourite boy Ben McKenzie got totally shafted. And for the next four days I couldn’t write anything more than a diatribe of bitter, angry, bile fuelled ranting, laden with horrid nasty words my mother would not approve of, and punctuated by long paragraphs of nothing but this:

What did you do? WHAT DID YOU DO?? WHY DO YOU HATE ME??

Taking the view point that perhaps my karma didn’t need the bad hoodoo I was self inflicting, none of the drafts made it to the ‘finished’ stage. Which is all for the best really, because it was some nasty stuff. Bearing all that in mind, I’m ridiculously happy to announce that none of that really happened because look who is first up singing!!

Moppet’s first song is Judges Choice but he was so disheartened at the choices that he immediately called me – we have special phones that are just for each other, no one else knows the numbers – and I suggested he might righteously croon the living hell out of Five For Fighting’s ‘Superman (It’s Not Easy)’. I am SO right. His voice sounds wonderful on this song and when he sings the line ‘it’s not easy to be me’ and his voice cracks slightly? There is not a dry eye in the house.

Moppet’s second song is his own choice and - my god - it’s Sia’s ‘Breathe’ and he’s sitting at the piano again. His breathy, tremulous husk laden voice is attuned to this song in the most magnificent way and if he loses it slightly in power when he looks down at the keys, it is so brief as to not matter. He is delightful.

The judges adore him. Mark immediately creates a new version of the touchdown, whereby he bends over and invites anyone in the audience who feels the need, to walk past and kick him in the pants. Dicko is too busy mortgaging his house to pay for studio time for Moppet’s first album to really comment, but he gives him a thumbs up and throws another dart at Marty who has been tied to a chair in front of the judges and whose gag may be on a touch tight as he turns purple and collapses like someone forgot to tell him the safety word this week was actually a series of eye blinks and twitches. The people lining up to kick Mark, step over his prone body. Marcia cried so much her eyelashes have fused together in some unholy mix of tears and too too too much mascara. Kyle just sadly nods in awe, because he knows he’ll never be as talented as this little boy.

Little Miss Tarasai is going for the power singing bragging rights, belting out the Taylor Dane version of ‘Can’t Get Enough Of Your Love, Baby’. She looks gorgeous and prowls around the stage sassily but is it me or is her voice starting to sound a little rough around the edges? It’s huskier than normal. She still sounds good singing this song and it’s high octane energy – which is what the first performance of the night needs to be to keep you out of the dread bottom three.

Mark calls it a rousing opening and pays homage to Marcia’s song choice. Dicko agrees but thinks she has 20% left in her. Her eyes shoot daggers at him but her mouth humbly thanks him. Marcia believes in Little Miss T and chose that song so she would go up into the stratosphere but then pulls her up for over articulating. Kyle loved the attitude but along with Dicko wanted her to go full pelt.

Her own choice is – of course – Whitney fucking Housten and is the usual belting number you would expect. She goes waaaaaaaaaaaaaay off course with her lower range and it’s not until she gets to the belt-y bit that she looks and sounds comfy and now I think I might be right about her voice not being in the best condition. And her dress is awful. And the song choice is insipid and dull and she should have gone with something that showed at least a wee skerrit of difference from her first song. Not that I would ever articulate any of that to her face because, well – frankly - she may be little, but she scares me.

Mother Marcia has her disappointed wig on and tells Little Miss that she was waiting for that 20% and where was it, hmmmmm?? Kyle loves her voice but in what will become an ongoing theme for all the judges as they try to prove how relevant they are to the show, pushes his position as Style Guru and queries what the hell is going on with wardrobe. You know, not that I like to ever agree with Kyle, but . . . . word. Mark says it was stunning vocally but he wanted more and he loves the rasp in her voice. The rasp that may lead her to be dubbed Cosima Mk II? Dicko dryly notes that she looks like a badly wrapped oven-ready turkey and promptly dethrones Kyle from his short lived reign as King of the Sartorial Snark.

Marty goes home. Good. Now make him STAY there. Mathieson takes a lovely moment to gleefully ask Marcia if the song she chose for Marty is one of her favourites. The world gasps at his audacity and admires it. Mathieson preens. I suspect Marcia may have been chuffing a doobie (do the kids still say doobie?) when she chose ‘No Woman No Cry’ by Bob Marley because are you serious? This woman? She cry, she cry a lot because you KEEP LETTING HIM SING. He starts out flat and just stubbornly stays there, just like the worm on Channel Nine that is currently SLAMMING John Howard. I want to punch him in the face so he knows the pain he is inflicting on me. Marty that is, not John Howard. Although, also. Thank FUCK this is only 90 seconds.

Dicko thought this was going to be a great choice for Marty but it didn’t quite fit and had ‘all the the choreographic zest of a dole queue’. Love you Dicko, don’t ever leave. Marcia reaffirms him and tells him AGAIN that he’s so laid back he’s horizontal. If I can punch him in the nose, he will be. Kyle strangely loved it. Eh, whatever, waste of space. Mark thought there was no interpretation in it and it’s Marty’s turn to speak so it’s time for Marty’s Excuse Of The Week (formally known as Lisa Mitchell’s Excuse Of The Week). Marty finds being on stage intimidating – the fuck?? – and whinges about the short amount of time they get to sing – totally stepping on my usual whinging point around this stage of the competition where I say the same thing, but fuck it, it’s Marty and I’ll be damned if we agree on anything so stop whinging loser – and Andrew G smilingly slaps him down verbally, telling him that that’s the reality of the FUCKING SHOW HE WILLINGLY AUDITIONED FOR.

I thought Pearl Jam’s ‘Last Kiss’ would actually suit him. It doesn’t. I also thought Eddie Vedder was fairly devoid of personality or charisma but dude, compared to Marty, Eddie is Dame Edna Everage. This is boring and awful and MAKE HIM STOP.

Kyle again loves it. Shut up Kyle. He does rather brilliantly slip in the phrase ‘fingerbanging’, causing The Nation to pause on their respective couches, turn to their spouses/partners/housemates/pets/plants and ask if he actually just referenced a particular sexual act during this time slot?? Mark thought it was a big step up and asks if he was singing it to someone and Marty says yes, a friend who died in a motorbike accident but foolishly cops to only realising the connection after he chose the song and two seconds before he started singing it, allowing Dicko to snarkily slap him down thusly; ‘nothing like a bit of last minute emotion as an afterthought . . .’ Ouch. Not his biggest fan anymore, are you Ian? Marcia is happy to see him happy, so may have lent him her doobie during the break.

The Daniel Mehsdud Top Twelve Scarf Watch has taken a turn for the worse and we only get ONE scarf this week. ONE. For fucks sake Dud, I ask you to do ONE THING. It brings him to a total of ten. I thought we'd be in the twenties for sure by this point in the competition. Of course, I also thought he'd be gone by now, but what do I know? Right? Ewww, Mark is allowing The Dud to crucify one of my favourite Sting songs 'Fragile'. Hasn't The Dud punished Sting enough? Won't someone think of the children?? Actually, he doesn't suck total ass singing this, but he just doesn't have the same honeyed tones that Sting has and his falsetto is for shite.

Marcia tells him he looks sharp and gives Mark props because she loves her some Sting. Kyle found it boring. But Marty was lively and made you giddy? The hell? Mark warbles about incredibly moving lyrics and how Dud got lost in it and vulnerability/heartfelt/delivered. Dicko also thought he nailed it, with great intensity and storytelling. It sucked less than usual, that's what we're all saying here Daniel. Less.

Ohhhhhh godddddddddd, his next song is Eskimo Joe's 'From The Sea' and he is KILLING it. I start giggling hysterically when he reaches for the falsetto in the first sentence and misses it horribly, and I continue when Fosse almost dry retches at the end when he Callea Points into the camera. Fosse grimly announces that Daniel has actually turned him straight. Congratulations Dud, Fosse is totally into chicks now and I need to give him a new name. Fuck.

Mark shrivels back from the places where he was under the pitch and tells him he's choosing song he doesn't have the chops for. Agreed. Sing 'Twinkle Twinkle' or 'Miss Polly Had A Dolly'. Then we can talk. Dicko has unsurprisingly seen Eskimo Joe perform that number and is it just me, or has the man been to every fucking concert by every artist who ever performed? WHEN did he have time to have these children he speaks of?? Marcia dug the aggression in the performance and honestly, that was about as aggressive as a lame blind kitten. Kyle thinks the perf was great but the vocals were dodge and that he's lucky he's popular because that's what will keep him here.

HotCarl has been given the Tom Jones song 'It's Not Unusual' to sing and I almost pitch a fit when he starts off slow, elongating every fucking word but what's this?? HotCarl stops mid note and turns to John Foreman telling him that that's never going to work. John agrees and they bust right into the BIG version and it is AWESOME!! His microphone technique is still for shit and his voice isn't brilliant but MAN alive that was FUN!! Upgrade that man to LavaCarl!

Kyle is back in full on heat for LavaCarl and calls him the frontrunner. When Mark goes to speak the crowd goes completely apeshit for a td. Mark tries to look like he's sick of it but you just know he fucking LOVES it when they demand this from him, it totally reaffirms his belief that he is the most important judge and only his opinion counts. When he gets that look on his face, I like to whisper the names Kate de Rouge vs Emily the Coldly Anointed One and Damien Leith's 'ugly' mug at him and smirk lots. Dicko practically salaams at his feet because he wanted entertainment and he got it in SPADES. He was a little disappointed that no knickers made it up on stage but that's only because Fosse and I weren't there Dicko, LavaCarl totally got some laundry pitched at him from Chez Belle though. Marcia is all about entertainment and Kyle begs her to yank off her Gstring and then demonstrates how that might be done and ewwwwwww. Mathieson speaks for ALL of us when he sternly tells Kyle that if he takes his pants off, he will leave.

LavaCarl's next song is the Donny Hathaway version of John Lennon's 'Jealous Guy' and I'm sorry but if this guy doesn't get you a little heated under the collar then you may want to get yourself to a doctor, you may in fact already be dead. Straight boys? You too. He actually sings this really well and this is a great song choice for him. His confidence level is growing exponentially and it is showing, my hot hot little sailor.

Dicko think he's really beginning to motor along in this comp and acknowledges that when Marcia fought like a DOG (on heat) to Wildcard him, the others argued fiercely against it. He bows to her better judgement - and hey, let's not go crazy, let her have this one, just this one, but no more. I have spoken. Marcia knows what the ladeez want and is more than happy to take the credit. Kyle cops to the others bitching behind her back about it as well because they all thought he was underdone, but that he's turned up the heat, cooked himself and is now crackling. I want a big ol' plate of LavaCarl. Diet, schmiet. My PT won't mind, she watches Idol. Mark says he's listened, he's worked on everything they've critiqued and each week he's gotten better and better. Andrew G comes out and stands next to LavaCarl and for real, my tv antenna totally just melts.

Matt Corby is dressed like . . . I don't even know. Okay, if Marilyn Manson ever played the youngest son Kurt in an off Broadway version of The Sound of Music, he'd look something like Matt does tonight. Mark Holden is a total tool because the song he picked for Matt was from Phantom of the motherfucking Opera, 'Music of the Night'. Never thought I'd ever say this in conjunction with this show but he is NO Michael Crawford. He warbles all over the place and this is no match for last year and Irish's 'Nessun Dorma', it's not in the same ball park, it's not in the parking lot of the ball park, hell, it's playing an entirely different game. His last note is quite nice though.

Mark thanks him for 'singing' it and making the dumb ass girls in the audience scream their fool heads off and then gives him a freaking touchdown. For real, if Natalie Gauci doesn't get one tonight for SOMETHING, he is a dead man. Dicko rains on his parade calling it an idiotic song choice and not indicative of the kind of musician he's going to be. Marcia says its all about versatility and she had tears in her eyes and then gives well deserved props to the orchestra. Kyle is sitting squarely in the middle of all three (uncomfortable for someone) and then hazes him on his outfit, which, yes.

His performance of Death Cab For Cutie's 'Transatlanticism' is the polar opposite. It is lovely and actually quite sublime. His voice singing this is lovely but he really needs The Gauc to teach him how to play the piano and connect with the audience at the same time because he barely looks up until the very end.

Marcia says thats only the third time she's heard that song (everyone: but it's one of my favourites and is steeped in tradition) and thinks its cool that he could do something so left of centre, so moody and dark. Kyle tells him he could sing songs from the Satanic Verses of Satan and he would still love it. Hey, don't knock that CD, the SVS rock an outstanding version of 'How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria'. Mark thinks its fantastic to see him play the piano and tells him he has such wide ranging possibilities for a 16 year old. Dicko agrees telling him that the DCFC song made up for the crap that was PotO and calls it sublime.

Natalie Gauci is fucking adorable and so is her family and if it wasn't for the fact that BEN IS STILL IN THE COMPETITION, she would be my only real emotional connection to this season. She stands stock still to give us Marcia's choice of Sinead O'Conner/Prince song 'Nothing Compares To You' and bats her gorgeous big brown eyes at the camers and belts the living hell out of it. She is emoting all over the place. Shaneequa texts to query what the fuck she's wearing on her legs and I reply, tights. Evil tights, bent on world domination, ergh.

Dicko calls it the perfect song for her - a pop song with an alternative feel - and believed every single moment of it. Marcia also believed and is happy with her choice. Pat yourself on the back, Marcia! Kyle throws Gauci's personal life down on to the table for us all to look at and poke and then picks on her butt. It's the frakking tights, I'm telling you, they are EVIL. Mark says you can choose to let the personal out and she did exactly that. James threatens us with Kyle's ass again and G takes another opportunity to tell Natalie just how hot he thinks she is, awww G's in love.

Andrew G's girlfriend is singing Rihanna's 'Umbrella' as her second song. I don't like this song. I would however TOTALLY buy Natalie's version of it. She has stripped it right back, seated at her piano and she's thankfully left out those god awful 'ella ella' bits. Ninety seconds is not enough, I want to hear more and if Marty's still in the comp next week just add his ninety seconds on to her song so we get more Gauc, 'kay thanks.

Kyle compliments her prettiness and says 'Umbrella' is one of his favourite songs (nobody look at Marcia) and that she did a fantastic version of it. The INSTANT Holden starts talking, the crowd pitches at him to td her and she initially looks a little wary because she's been burned here before, but the crowd builds and builds to the point where Mark confesses it was magical and FINALLY gives her a fucking td, WEEKS after she should have gotten one. Dicko tells her that's exactly where she should be in terms of positioning herself, 'head for pop and turn left, if you go past Delta Goodrem you're on the right road, if go as far as Bjork, you've gone too far.' Hah! Gold. Marcia loves watching her play the piano and sing, she's just so solid and that she took such a chance because Rihanna's so big right now, but it totally paid off. Natalie giggles girlishly on a td high.

Well, they just announced the bottom three on the tv in our living room - Fosse called it the Best Bottom Three Ever, I like to think of it as the Bottom Three We Had To Have - Tarasai, Daniel and Marty. So how does Marty dodge another bullet and go back to the couch? I do not know. The Dud to go, right? Hang on, they're about to announce it . . . it's . . . The Dud! Huzzah! And to make me really happy The Daniel Mehsdud Top Twelve Scarf Watch takes a flying leap from 10 to 23 in his farewell package alone. (Yes, I am counting multiple wearings of the same scarf and also the scarf/blouse combo his mum is rocking.) See ya Dud, you seem like a really nice guy but a great performer and Idol you ain't.