And Wildcards make 12

Australian Idol 2009. We're down one judge, one co-host and one Kermit the Frog sounding piano playing band leader. We are still painfully up one annoying ex-contestant who can not for the life of her, satisfactorily prove to me that she deserves to be on the show in any way, shape or form unless that shape takes the form of a lifesized cutout with a target on her head that can be bought in any shop with complimentary darts. The bullseye is her smug smile.

Right. I'm going to TRY to cope without my beloved James Mathieson. If G can do it, if he can go on without the sardonic, snappy, snark of his boyfriend, then I can certainly give it a go. And hey, if I close one eye and I, um, like imagine him standing next to G and just, like, mumble a smartarse remark to myself every now and then, then it will all be fine, right? Right??

Wildcards. Australia wants more of Toby 'I don't look like Pauly Shore, TallulahBelle, seriously, my lawyers will call you' Moulten. I totally dug Pauly Shore in his Encino Man days, but don't judge me for that - not when you know there is just so much more you could be judging me for . . . and we'll talk about my High School Musical obsession later in this post. Next singer through is blonde rocker Hayley Warner. I totally did not call either of those two getting through. I thought Tim and the sixteen year old with the weird plait thing in her hair would get viewer votes. Still, the judges have to pick two so let's get to that, shall we? Number eleven is . . . really? Casey Barnes? Really? Oooookay. So I should wave good bye to Lauren right about now, yes? Final spot goes to Tim Johnson. Bye Lauren. G and his total and utter lack of sassy sidekick with skinny tie are done with the losers and want to get ON with this fourteen hour show NOW. I concur.

(I don't know how I feel about this whole opening voting before anyone even sings thing.)

Schoolgirl Ashleigh Toole's family introduces themselves as The Toole's. Heh. That's cute. They're total and utter dags and I applaud that. Her parents continue the longstanding tradition of Idol parents being completely awesome. I bet even whatserface's parents were cool, I don't remember. Ashleigh is singing 'Miss Independant' and I don't know if singing a song by a former Idol is brilliant or stupendously dumb. She starts off shaky and the lower notes are not her friends tonight, but I'm putting that down to nerves because she's been okay with those kinds of notes before. She really kicks it once she hits the rock-y, shout-y, Kelly Clarkson-y bits of the song but she needs to remember there's an actual rock chick in the competition now, so step that shit up a notch, love or Hayley will OWN YOU. Oh, and PS Ashleigh, don't let them fix your eyebrows anymore than they have, they're fine now and slightly bushy eyebrows swing back into fashion every year or so. I speak from a place of knowing.

Dicko tells her it was a great start to the night and calls it the right song for who she is and compares her to Kelly - and for real, if she comes out one night wearing a skirt made entirely of ties, like Kelly did in that movie she made with the guy who came second (true story, the movie is called From Kelly to Justin and she WEARS A SKIRT MADE FROM TIES. I do not make this shit up, I couldn't, I don't have that active an imagination. I wish I could find pictorial evidence for you but you may need to just suck it up and see the movie, I mean, why should I have to suffer alone, right?) then I will vote for her. He tells her to keep things simple and avoid overcomplicating. He doesn't say, don't listen to the bird on my right, but it's there, it's subtext. Oh Marcia, Brown Sugar, how I have NOT missed you. Right, what nonsense do you have to impart tonight? She tells Ashleigh what Ashleigh is like backstage and Ashleigh does not ask for crit about her song or song choice because Ashleigh is not dumb and Ashleigh has seen the show and knows that no wisdom is coming from that particular direction. New guy JD, or Not!Kyle, tells her that 50% of making it in the biz is vocals and that she's got that and just needs to flourish. He puts her in a pot with some fertiliser made of the crap that Kyle used to spill and tops her up with water. Now, lets leave her for a couple of days and see if she buds.

Brickie Scott Newnham's baby photo shows us a surly, frowny, bottom lip pushed out adorable little tot who will stubbornly NEVER TELL ANYONE THAT HE CAN SING UNTIL THE DAY HE DOES AND THEN HIS LIFE WILL CHANGE FOREVER AND PEOPLE WILL NEVER SHUT UP ABOUT IT WHEN TALKING ABOUT HIS SINGING THAT NO ONE KNEW HE COULD DO, FOR REALS, YOU GUYS, WE'RE NOT EVEN KIDDING. Wow, caps lock is exhausting, how do teenagers and the fans of hot boys on tv shows who have livejournal or myspace, do it? And exactly how many times will they vote for Scott? His version of The Beatles 'Come Together' is basically an instructional video for the teens and tweens of Australia. He pouts and hip swiggles around the stage, slides to the feet of the guitarist and begs the girlies (and not a few of the boys, I imagine) to come together, right now, over him. There are really too many dirty jokes to make and usually I'd get right in there but there are still ten performances to go. His singing by the way, is okay. It's not spectacular or deserving of the screaming throngs but we've seen this before - right, Dean Geyer's backflip anyone? Right.

Marcia loves the boy and loves that the crowd loves the boy and loves that she got an AWESOME parking spot right next to the door so she can leave as soon as she's continued to not give anyone any real critique. She tells him he sang and slid and that he's at home on stage and that he actually has a voice too. I continue to be all astonishment at what passes for legitimate help from her. Sheesh. Not!Kyle tells him it was a good performance and then very nicely hints that he might be getting a big head. JD also asks why he picked that song and Scott loves Michael Jackson. Huh? MJ's version was at the end of that movie he made about not actually owning the bones of the Elephant Man or something - ohhhhh. Dicko and his horrified face want to know that Scott is aware that it isn't actually a Michael Jackson song and backstage whatserface's head explodes as Dicko is appropriately grateful that this contestant didn't not know who The Beatles are. (Never letting it go, Ricki Lee. Never.) G makes some cute brickie jokes and narrowly avoids manhandling Scott's forearms.

Oh, I can't hate Casey Barnes. His acoustic version of him singing 'Tiny Dancer' sounds fantastic and I hope he gets to sing it properly at some stage. Also, his little girl is freaking ADORABLE. G loves it when people sing Powderfinger, 'cause he gets to call them the finger and I think it makes him feel a little dirty. Casey sings 'On My Mind' and it is SUCH a better performance than anything he's done thus far. I mean, it's total pub rock but it's good pub rock and it actually showcases his voice quite well, it's right in his range and he looks good with a guitar. He may be one of those contestants who needs a band right behind him though. We'll see.

Not!Kyle tells him that was great and a marked improvement from anything he's done prior and that he now needs to take it and slam it home. Dicko loved the step up in energy and song choice etc but wants Casey to tell him the three unique things that would define him as a recording artist and then gives him homework to find an answer. Marcia's humble opinion is that most of the Aus Idol contestants make it up as they go along and find out who they are as the competition goes. Ahem. Guy Sebastian was always RnB pop, Damien Leith was always folksy rock, Wes Carr was always that guy with the hat, Jess Mauboy was a pop princess and Lisa Mitchell was alternative folk with a pop twist. I would argue that NONE of those people are not making the kind of music they wanted to right from the start and it was the dumb freaking theme nights your show tried to pigeonhole them into that made it sometimes difficult to tell. So in short, shut up Marcia.

Hayley Warner is . . . only 17 . . . really? Huh. I'm not saying she looks thirty or anything, but girl, moisturise and stay out of the sun. Just a few tips. She skateboards with a guitar and her parents are awesome, natch. I will say she looks like she ROCKS the hell out of the stage when she's in front of her band. The girl standing next to G as he introduces Hayley's song looks like she's about to pass out. I feel you, sister. Hayley's singing Evermore's, 'Light Surrounding You' and that is just the wrong song choice for her. No P!nk? Sweetheart, your niche is Rock Chick, don't deviate from your chosen path! Do you hear Scott asking Marcia to stop talking about how wonderful it is that the Brickie Found Music? Nuh-uh, he knows which side his sugar is browned on. Her flat Missy Higgin-ish tones don't sit too brilliantly in the lower notes of this song, in fact, most of the song is pitched too low for her and because she's off kilter she doesn't segue well into the upper register. I wish Missy Higgins would get the stick out of her arse about people on this show performing her songs. If Hayley wants to do something slower, then 'Drive' would have been awesome and suited her to a tee. It may well be that her voice is an an aquired taste. Like Sophie last season. Or eggplant. People like eggplant, right? I like eggplant.

Dicko is chuffed she's through. He tells her she doesn't have a pristine voice but he loves her energy and can't actually take his eyes off her, but tells her to stick to higher energy songs. Marcia tells her that it's one of her favourite songs! DRINK!! And then ruins a perfect night by telling her to take time with Eryana and work on her voice, but that it is unique. As is Marcia offering constructive and helpful critique, so feel blessed, Hayley, soak it up, it won't happen again. Not!Kyle tells her to keep her uniqueness but get rid of the tenseness in her shoulders when she sings. G helps her out with that by touching her on the back. I feel more relaxed as well. Thanks G!

Country boy James Johnston is a good egg and has serious music cred for someone his age but doesn't want to be Country Boy, he wants to be Acoustic Boy. He makes a good start, his arrangement of The Fray's 'How To Save A Life' is fucking ACE. It is seriously good. He has taken a song that can be really boring and drab (unless set to the action of Dr Cox on Scrubs losing patients one after the other. Oh, Perry. Coincidentally, James has listed Scrubs as his favourite show!) and rearranged it to suit his voice and his style and done it incredibly well. Massive points for the arrangement. And then deduct fifty for calling John Mayer his Idol partly because he dated Jennifer Aniston. Dude. Not cool. But then add them back on because that arrangement was SO good. Well played, that man.

Marcia throws a well earned that's what I'm talking 'bout, at him and praises the arrangement. JD loves his new dress style and attitude and says if he keeps going that way, he'll start convincing him. Dicko tells him not to deny or flaunt his country heritage, that the way he did do it was real country rock and that his arranging skills are good to have in his back pocket. Then he notes that the little boy lost with sexual overtones is working for him. I have to pause the tape and gawp and then gawp EVEN MORE when G comes out and says there might be people in the crowd who want to find that little boy. Inappropriate! Move on, quickly!

Big haired Sabrina Batsh(itcrazylikewhite)on(rice) is the strangest mix of Tina Arena, Fran Drescher, Amy Winehouse and crazy person. She wails what may possibly be the worst song choice since HotCarl sang Waltzing Matilda the first week of The Season Of Irish. Michael Jackson's 'Earth Song'? The fuck? Have I even heard of this song? I think even if I did, I wouldn't recognise what she does to it, she takes it to some very . . . strange places. The girls in the Idol mosh pit look confused and a little annoyed that this pint sized diva queen is caterwauling at them when they could be watching Scott prance around a little more. I don't like it. She needs to back away from the crazy notes. But not the crazy, let's keep a touch of that, it makes life interesting. Like the judging . . .

Not!Kyle notes that girlfriend can sing and then references Jarvis Cocker dancing half naked on stage (which no one in the audience appeared to get and I can barely remember) and then tells her to drop the talent school-isms she has going on. Sabrina looks like she has something nasty in her mouth. Bet it tastes like JD's flesh after roasting over an open fire. Dicko is also concerned about how overly coached she appears to be and compares the over emoting to a mediterannean soap opera, but he loved where it went, calling it warm, wild and sexy. He tells her he likes it but I don't know that she really hears that as she tells him he doesn't know her well enough. And someone in the production room is on the ball, as they immediately cut to her mother who has her head in her hands. Dicko sarks back that after seven performances if he doesn't know her, it's because she's not showing them. She good naturedly brushes him off and moves to Marcia who says that everytime she's on stage she's just being Sabrina and they both 'god bless' at Michael Jackson. Marcia may have met her crazypants match. Excellent! G stands next to her and for real, she's like three feet tall, she comes up to his sternum, I think even I'm taller than her. She says that she is dramatic naturally and animated naturally and intense naturally and Dicko tells her she's taking up other people's time naturally and she almost runs off stage before G finishes her numbers.

17 year old Nathan Brake goes to some kind of Fame! school. I want to go to there. Apparently lunchtime is spent standing around singing in the quad. I WANT TO GO TO THERE. Nathan is finally singing something that was written after he was born, with One Republic's 'Stop And Stare', which, meh. He does sing it very nicely and he does have one of my current favourite voices in the competition and it's going to take a few more meh performances before I don't love him to tiny little pieces for his Top 100 perf of 'We Are The Champions' but that was kind of blah. I also don't get his fringe. God, I'm old. Nathan, sing something from Elton John's 'Yellow Brick Road', quick. Or google Adam Lambert, okay?? If you sing Kiss and wear the same thing he wore at the American Idol finale, I will love you like cake forever.

Dicko loves the song choice and wants to hear more of the falsetto and softer sounds Nathan can do, rather than the biiiiig notes he keeps belting out. Marcia also loves the song and says he sings the big notes because he can. Not!Kyle agrees with everything but is confused by teens who wear waistcoats (get in line, old man) but thinks he's going to do well. Nathan smiles as G runs through his numbers and I was CONVINCED he was going to sweep his fringe aside and that it would say Vote Nathan 1 or something. He didn't.

I do not like Stan Walker's voice or his style of singing, he is absolutely not my cup of English Breakfast, but the kid's story and background and his family is inspiring and lovely and the slightly haunted look in his eyes is more than proof that the kid has been through some shit. He does no favours to himself by singing a carbon copy version of Rihanna's 'Umbrella' when I can still recall (and in fact, go into the other room and get the CD and listen to) Natalie Gauci's beautifully stripped back kick ARSE version of this song from two seasons ago. Oh, The Gauc. Where art thou? Look, he's okay, he's got an okay voice but he just does nothing for me. I do have a question for him and for anyone else who has a neck tattoo - doesn't getting that hurt like a motherFUCKER?

Girls scream for him as Marcia tells him he has one of the most natural voices in the comp (as opposed to say Nathan, whose voice is obviously tweaked electronically before he performs. What? That makes just as much sense as what she just said.) and she adores him when he sings and blah blah storycakes don't ever change. Not!Kyle is impressed that he loves a girl song (and shades of The Gauc again, singing 'Man In The Mirror' and not changing the lyrics - JD's brain would have turned to mush) but says he likes it because he does it well. He tells him he needs to up the performance level. Pretend God is watching, Stan. Dicko missed him and couldn't wait to hear him sing and loved the performance to bits. G also loves a boy singing a girl song. Of course, he does. Bless.

Sidebar; the best bit about Idol 2009? All the awesome Glee commercials. I. Can. Not. Wait.

Adorable teacher Toby Moulten makes the ladies who loved Damien Leith but were a bit peeved he was married (like, well, like me, really), sit up and pay more attention to him when he reveals he's single. He is RIDING that Damien Leith train though (he's even singing 'The Blowers Daughter' in his package, man, they have the same taste in music) singing yet another song Irish already sang by taking on Radiohead's 'Creep' and honey, I will absolutely date you, call me, lets talk - but you need to back away from the Irish NOW. Thanks. His falsetto is not Irish's, it's just not. He also needs some help with his stagecraft because he dorkily wanders, which you know, I love the dork, but lets talk about planting your feet on stage. But his eyes are pretty and I'm a total sucker for that hairline. What is THAT even about? I have no idea.

JD was nervous about the song and says at times the voice didn't quite make it but thought he did a good job. Polite but sexy, JD notes, in what he smilingly smirks to Dicko is his attempt to take the gay mantle from Big Papa Bear. That will never happen Dicko, you're safe. Dicko agrees that Toby is sexy and that he appeals to a certain older lady type (hi Dicko, reading either the blog or TWoP forum again, are we?) but bags him for choosing Thom Yorke and says go for Chris Isaak and NO, BAD DICKO, KEEP THE TEACHER AWAY FROM DAMIEN'S BACK CATALOGUE. Marcia says he executed it beautifully and applauds his sexy. G comes out and flirts with him a bit but does sadly not try to undress him again and instead breathily introduces the next contestant like he's about to have an unfortunate incident on stage . . .

Smoking hot blonde Kim Cooper makes most of the Foo Fighters 'Best of You' sound like the Foo Fighters 'Walking after You', which is clever, because 'WaY' is a brilliant song and the reason I fell in dirty, grungy love with Dave Grohl, but it isn't as well known as 'BoY' and I like that she took one song and made it like the (it could be argued) better other song. I like it less when she gets shouty and rockish with it, which is strange as that's how the song is meant to be. Or is it? Excuse me, I need to call Dave Grohl and tell him to start singing this song slower.

We've seen in previous seasons how much Dicko adores the Foo - he loves the unplugged treatment she gave the start of it and tells her how boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses. Or something. Marcia calls it dramatic and sultry and melodic. Not!Kyle applauds her confidence but wants her to work on her vocals and we've all had a long night, because the judges BOLTED through their comments. G very deliberately does not touch the super hot blonde standing next to him. I suspect someone's wife has been on the phone.

whatserface has a commercial with Rexona. NO ONE CARES.

Tim Johnston's mum embarrasses the living HELL out of him by totally blowing his soul and blues cover by talking about his attempts to be Mariah Carey. Heee. Tim is a barista at Gloria Jeans. I was in the Gloria Jeans across from our work (before Shaneequa made it impossible for me to drink there, a story for another recap) last Christmas and was standing, waiting for my latte (skinny, not too hot and don't sprinkle chocolate on it. If you do that, I'm going to think two things; either you're an IDIOT who thinks chocolate gets sprinkled on top of a latte or you made me a cappuccino instead, in which case you're an IDIOT.) and recognised the song they had piping into the store and before I realised what I was doing I asked them who the High School Musical fan was and could I date them (it was Sharpay and Ryan's big show stopping number from HSM3, I wouldn't date someone who played Troy and Gabrielle's big number, I'm not STUPID) and they said they were given the CDs to play. I think someone was hiding their love of HSM. Wear it PROUD, my overly outside-the-age-range-Disney-are-aiming-for-HSM-lovin'-peeps, and you, Tim, let your Mariah Carey freak flag fly. Now you may judge me. And trust me, that story was SO much more interesting than Tim's performance of Beyonce's 'Halo'. Ouch. He's so pretty but it was tuneless and his pitch was crazy bad at parts and his upper register totally disappeared at times. If he's losing his voice, I will feel appropriately bad.

Marcia is high. Seriously, she babbles about what a great year it's going to be because a man or a woman can do any song and put their stamp on it and basically tells him well done for doing that. Hell, Marcia. I can do that. Doesn't mean I should be winning or even competing in a national singing contest, right? He did NOT sing that song well. But I do have him frozen on my foxtel IQ right now and holy hell, is he a good looking boy, or WHAT. Man. JD wasn't 100% convinced by his perf but JD, we've kept worse singers around for worse reasons and he was very good in his Wildcard performance. Dicko has also noticed that Tim is a Very Goodlooking Guy and says he has a good pop/soul voice but that that song was at the very edge for him and he needs to pick songs more in his comfort zone. Okay, so some singers need to get out of their comfort zone, but Tim needs to stay in his? Noted. Don't try and tell him off now if he sings the entire back catalogue of Smokey Robinson, okay?

Oh, if I had my druthers, I'd give the competition to more ocker than Slim Dusty, Kate Cook, right the hell now. She's just so much freaking fun, she's absolutely proud of her roots and she doesn't care if you don't think she's cool. She has countrified the bejesus out of Steeler Wheel's 'Stuck In The Middle With You' and it's total fun. It's unpolished and her hat is ugly and it's not the best singing of the night and she's wearing a shirt I expect to see on Dicko but man alive, she's kicking it. She is infectious to watch, it's the exact same effect that Jess Mauboy had on me, I smiled through every performance. Does she have a hope in hell of winning? I very much doubt it, but she should get picked up by some country label and if there's any justice, she'll make it further than the other female country singer this show's had, Klancie Keogh. She's fathoms better.

Not!Kyle accidentally insults her by saying she never fails to disappoint. He means the opposite, I'm almost sure. He loves how comfortable she is and that she picks the right songs. He tells her that whilst everyone will say "don't change", he says "refine". And then he probably whispers quietly to himself "don't win", because he has NO IDEA how he would ever market her. Dicko loves how uniquely branded she is and agrees she just needs some refining. He notes that she comes across as loving people, which is reciprocated and that he'd HATE to be the person who has to perform after her. Thank GOD she's the last of the night and I don't have to recap any more. Marcia, final words go to you (oh god). She loves the joy that Kate finds in her performance and says it's contagious and is glad she's there. Oh man. That can't be the last word. G? Little help? G references Reservoir Dogs. Yay! Thanks, G.

I don't know who is going or should go, I never get it right at this point but I think the weakest performances were Stan, Tim and Hayley. My money would be on Hayley to go based on that, which wouldn't be right. I want to hear more of her voice but I don't know if I'll get to. We shall see next week when some poor unlucky sod who has been practicing a ROCK! song all week, doesn't get to perform it. Doesn't get to perform it in front of SUZI MOTHEREFFING QUATRO. That would be SO wrong if the person who doesn't get to perform rock week in front of SUZI MOTHEEFFING QUATRO was this season's rock chick. Good times!

TallulahBelle out.