Aces are high, the judges too . . .

It’s Wildcard! Or we can call it by its official name, ‘Sausage Fest Plus Two Chicks and Marcia: 2007’, as once again, they have stacked the competition by putting mainly boys through to the Wildcard round – now I understand fully and completely the need to look at pretty pretty boys as they serenade me with their pretty pretty voices, I am a total girly sap who melts at the mere thought of my current guy wooing me with a sweetly sung song about us, together, forever. And in lieu of there being a current boy singing at me who does not live inside my television, I’m more than happy to live vicariously through Idol, convinced that G is flirting with me, knowing that Dicko and I could find True Love if only he was twenty years younger and if he never saw Holden again, sighing over that lovely Irish boy with his succulent falsetto . . . I totally get all that and I’m happy to have Mark da Costa and HotCarl immediately forwarded through to the Top 12. But Dave Andrews? Look, he’s cute and all, but no, this spot was reserved for Cheray Doughty. And Husny Thalib? He’s funny and cute in a fey, pirate-y way but this spot was reserved for either Jesse Curran or Sally van der Zwarte. In no known universe should those two boys have taken the spot of any of those incredibly talented lasses and I could smack both Holden and Dicko for putting them through. It is OFFICIALLY time for the show’s control to be HANDED OVER TO ME. Thank you.

First Odd(ie)-ly dancing cab off the rank is Jack I Like Him So Shut Up Byrnes who is putting his own little soul patch imprint on to the Doobie Brothers classic ‘Long Train Running’, which I would have sworn was called ‘Without Love’, proving I know SHIT about music history and DO need to take Prof Dicko’s Class On Stuff You Should Know About The Music Industry. Just watching Jack’s high octane energetically spazzy performance is exhausting me. He gets a little too into the groove and loses his vocal control slightly in places but this song has the coolest guitar riff and he’s just a really good singer and it, hell it just works. Weirdly, but it works.

Mark loves his energy and thinks he’s imminently likeable but feels he’s only three quarters of the way along and is just singing the song and not telling a story – he’s only three quarters of the way? Dude, another quarter may just KILL him. Dicko marvels at the little niche corner of the Idol market Jack is carving for himself, the white soul boy niche, and thinks he picks great songs (he really does) but that he’s still lacking that last bit of finesse, and that his movements around the stage reminded him of an old lady winning at bingo. Marcia’s uppers haven’t kicked in yet and she gets what the guys are saying and rather sensibly tells him he needs to find a place, even within an energetic performance, to be still within himself – as a performer, this actually makes a lot of sense, you can be losing your shit magnificently on stage but you still need to be able to draw back and see your own performance, otherwise you become horridly self indulgent. Rather like these essay length recaps . . . annnyway, Kyle thinks he’s only about five percent off and that he gets up there and LIVES LARGE. If Jack doesn’t get the audience vote, I hope the judges put him through.

Husny Thalib NOT dancing madly across stage like he has a live badger down his pants and instead standing stock still and emoting? Doesn’t work. Mostly because he has one arm stiffly held at his side like he’s had his hand chopped off in a fight to the death against a vampire with a soul and then this evil law firm he works for gave him another hand, an eeeevil hand that moves as though independent from his body, throttling the innocent and slapping babies, so he’s gaffa taped it to his side to keep it from hurting anyone. (God, I miss Angel). Anyway, Husny’s singing is nice and sweet but wholly unremarkable. His version of Blessed Union of Soul’s ‘I Believe’ is passionate but just not good enough or wacky enough. Katisha on TWoP noted that he’s very Eurovision and she’s TOTALLY right – if Australia ever gets to compete in that competition, Husny is Our Man.

Dicko talks about the bumfight there was on the judging panel when Mark said he was putting Husny through, that Mark thinks Husny has star quality – and Dicko sees it, but he thinks it might be better suited to fashion rather than performing and that he has to work really hard, for very little. Harsh, but fair. Marcia was really impressed with his performance and thinks the voting public may love him more than Dicko thinks. Kyle tells him that as lovely as he is, that it just doesn’t work for this show, if it was Nice Guy Idol, he would win (Dave Andrews later completely throws Husny to the ground and takes pole position for that title). Mark loves Husny’s stage presence because he burns up the camera. He calls the performance straight from the heart and thinks people will either love him or hate him.

G’s sneakers are incredibly white.

HotCarl Risely is Harry Connick Jr-ing a version of The Everly Brother’s ‘Bye Bye Baby’. This song really showcases his range quite nicely and I love his scat throw to the band – however, he doesn’t capitalise on it and the physical movement actually leaves him a little breathless and his voice weakens, but he rallies for a lovely ending – although the scat trumpet goes on a little too long.

Marcia is SO in love with this boy, she raves about his flavour (he looks like he might taste like toffee . . . just me? Right.) and tells him he’s so smooth and cool, it’s dynamite. Kyle is SO in love with this boy, he tells him he looks exactly the part but that he needs to make more ‘sexy face’ and to demonstrate gives HotCarl a ‘come to bed’ look and my ovaries literally just shrivelled up and DIED. But then HotCarl does it back and they SPRING back to life – hallelujah! Mark thinks he looks great on screen but that his personality isn’t coming through and tells him he needs to sing the song to someone – ooooh, I volunteer!! Me!! Sing to me HotCarl!! Dicko hopes that HotCarl hasn’t left his run too late because he’s just getting to where he needs to be, but don’t do the scat again – that way madness lies and he gets enough of the gobbledegook from Holden. Dicko brings up Axle Whitehead from Season One whose scat was NEVER as good as HotCarl’s Dicko, so why compare, why bring him into this, why ask where it’s left Axle now? Why? Purely so that Mathieson can dryly note that Axel isn’t on tv anymore because he scatted, but because he got his knob out (which he did - for those not aware, Axle flashed his tackle at the Aria's a few years back, although apparently just his balls and not his actual penis. I'm sorry for sharing this with you and just as sorry that I once YouTubed it). HAH! Brilliance, and funnier still because the person with their finger on the cough button mistimes James’ use of the word knob and ends up bleeping out the word ‘on’ instead. I giggle throughout the next set of commercials in hysterics.

Sarah Lloyde is, oh good god, she’s going to try Xtina’s ‘Candyman’. Ouch. Xtina really harmonises that song with her own voice, you’re actually hearing multiple Xtina backing vocals all at once, Sarah and the backing singers just don’t cut it. And frankly if you don’t have Benji from So You Think You Can Dance, swing dancing with you, what’s the point? She hits the right mix of cheeky mingled with wide eyed blonde Monroe sexuality but there doesn’t feel like there’s enough actual singing in this, it’s just like when Anthony Callea did ‘Carwash’ and it was a song of him just going ‘oooooh, aaaaaahhhh Car Wash, Car Wash, ooooooh aaaaaaaah’. I don’t know if this is the performance to get her through over Natalie Gauci, who is her only real competition here, if the public doesn’t put through a girl, the judges will and based on tonight I think it would be Natalie over Sarah.

Kyle knows she has a great voice – we all do – but calls it disappointing, too many holes and all he could hear were the BV’s. Mark also applauds the backing vocals and calls them primo and then asks her how SHE thought she went and that’s never a good sign, Sarah. She thinks it was just under what she could do and Mark thinks, of course, that that song should have had the male portion of the panel needing defibrillation and that she turned sassy into safe and then lapses into trademark Holden Babble, saying it didn’t burn his bippy/bibby – we need a Holden dictionary so I know how to spell the bullshit he comes out with, honestly. Dicko says that is a TOUGH song to do and talks about the massive amount of production value there is on that song – I’ve seen Xtina do it on the Grammy’s or the MTV awards, something, she was wearing this great white suit and a jaunty hat, and even she didn’t pull this song off. Dicko compares the video and type of song it is to being almost a period musical theatre piece. He really wants her to ahead but tells her its about picking the right song for her and her target audience. Mark can’t shut up about her connection with the song and understanding the lyric but he’s just so fucking snide about it, so Dicko patiently explains that because of her ‘journey’, they know she has the raw material to invest her songs with raw emotion. Marcia tells her she’s pretty as a picture and calls her courageous to try that song on. She also says Sarah needs to split the difference between the dancing and the singing to make sure she doesn’t overload her breathing and why is Marcia making sense today?

Dave Andrews, whose song choice has previously been safe and a little dull, is sticking with what he knows best, because he’s doing ‘Dolpins Fucking Cry’ by Live. God. Didn’t Dave just turn out to be remarkably vanilla flavoured. His lower range fails him and this is just not going to cut it, dude. He tries to rock it out but doesn’t even pebble. Mark da Costa must be stifling a grin because no one is taking the Rock off him . . .

Mark sighs that they really like him but the problem with that was ambitious song choice (ambitious? Huh, my dictionary says ‘boring’, we need the same version Mark, mine is a Websters) and he name checks Vanessa Amorosi because she used to sing it and Vanessa and Mark are Bestest Buddies because he once managed her right into obscurity, but nonetheless that’s a tough ass song to try and Dave still has too much to work on because that was well out of his depth. Dicko sits Dave down and tells him a bedtime story about Fool’s Gold and how Marcia once told him some performers have one really golden performance in them and that is it, after that they are empty ciphers and Dicko never really believed that until Dave. Marcia disagrees because she saw that Dave dug that and AI is a learning process and the people you work with help you blossom and Dave is a beautiful flower or some such bollocks. Kyle thinks he’s gone from being a contender to underperforming and some contestants get to this stage and slip and Dave has landed on a snake and not a ladder. Dave compounds on his personal awesomeness by saying how hard it is and how honest the judges are and how brilliantly talented everyone is and the respect he has for them and I awwwwwwww from my living room because he is a really decent guy. And then G calls him Dave Anderson instead of Andrews and Mathieson nods that its good that Holden got his prerequisite Vanessa A reference out of the way early this year and I giggle more because that’s what I said, James! Let’s have dinner!

Big haired scarf wearing Daniel Misfud has the blandest taste in music because he’s singing Roachford’s blahfest ‘Lay Your Love On Me’; sans scarf but with an ALMIGHTY plethora of chest hair and Fosse isn’t home to watch this but when he sees it he’s going to bankrupt himself to get Daniel into the Top 12 where he can further prove his hirsuteness because Fosse likes a hairy man. Daniel once again sings well but he’s just uninspiring and slightly insipid. And his habit of smiling like a chipmunk while he sings just bugs.

Dicko finds it gratifying that a contestant is listening to them and his conversation with Daniel about building architecture (fuck, I love the way he puts that) within his songs so he has somewhere to go and that Dicko’s girls told him not to bother coming home if he was mean to Daniel but he’s being nice even though they forgot Father’s Day. Oh, that’s not right. Not even some burnt toast and weak tea in bed? Adopt me Dicko, I can operate the Big Girl’s Stove, I’ll do you some bacon and eggs with garlic mushrooms and tomato and my coffee is GREAT! Marcia is a huge fan of the song and is glad he started mellow and built it and I just don’t get the judge-y love they give him but there it is – if he doesn’t get in through audience vote, he’s a shoo-in for Judge’s Choice. Kyle also adores him and calls it the kind of performance that will get him to the Opera House. Yeeeeeeeaaah, just not seeing it kids. Mark thinks he’s a contender but that there’s a mechanical-ness about what he’s doing (thank you!) and like Jack, he’s singing across the notes and still only hitting about 95-98%. Eh, I think Jack’s a better performer and singer.

Hot tamale Natalie Gauci is making her original semi final perf up to me by doing ‘Feeling Good’ and she even names the original chanteuse Nina Simone and her version and not Michael Buble’s (although, that is also an AWESOME version). She croons and makes sweet love to the first bit until she gets to the big, hip swaying, heart pounding, blood thumping finale and she rips it to shreds and drops it at our feet and DARES us not to worship her. I immediately obey and salaam in her direction.

Marcia lets loose with her first official ‘that’s what I’m talking about’ of the season, huzzah! Her vocal gymnastics were nice and tasteful and at the end she held a nice strong note, props. Kyle notes the HUGE difference from last time because she was comfortable and it was a great song choice and he LOVED it. Mark asks if her song choice was a statement about getting a second chance and he could really feel it, she was a total breath of fresh air. It was surprising, brave, her vocal control was incredible and had pure, sweet and strong notes. Dicko loves her brilliant ability to pick songs that are just left of centre enough. He loves her but hates her wardrobe, noting that when he sees her during the week she’s comfortable and looks great, like a muso but she gets on stage in some dodgy gear. G has the biggest fucking crush on her because he kind of sidles up and blushingly tells her she looks fantastic and that her performance was smoking. And then he makes out with her with his eyes. She is scorchingly hot. I approve of this crush, G.

Natalie Gauci and Mark da Costa could have the most adorable brunette children EVER, oh! And they should totally adopt Moppet Ben McKenzie too! Mark is rejigging a song he already did at the Seymour Centre, ‘Evie Part One’ and frankly, Chris Murphy needed his guitar, a bigger crowd and his patented Jack Black head flick to make this work and Mark juuuuust misses. His singing is great, but he goes to leap off the stage and looks disappointed that there’s no way for him to crowd surf the family and friends sitting courtside. But his singing is good enough to surely get him through, as a rock dude or chick we must have and so far, we don’t.

Kyle calls him one of the best rock singers we’ve got but couldn’t hear his high notes because the crowd was too loud – poor Nanna Sandilands. Mark really wants him to get through so he can truly Perform with a proper sized audience and I must agree that will kick ass. Dicko thinks the AI audience is only just waking up to him and that he’s putting the fear of god into the current Top Eight, saying how we’ve all just seen a GREAT perf from Natalie but that he thinks Mark is the best performer in the comp. Marcia just loves his energy – careful Mark, she’s like a basilisk, if you look directly at her she’ll stun you into a coma and suck you dry. She notes that he knows how to really work the room and chose one of the best rock songs in the world – eh, I think Evie only works live, recorded versions make me switch channels, it’s an overly dull long song. She loves what he brings to the comp, yes Marcia, his sweet sweet lovely tasting energy, mmmmm . . .

And that’s it. Last ditch chance’s done and dusted. There are five performers who should realistically go through – Jack, Sarah (on her previous perf), HotCarl (on this one), Natalie and Mark. If ANYONE puts Husny through over these five, one of whom is going to miss out anyway, I shall be wearing my Cranky Face ALL day tomorrow.

(Unless they pull another Roxanne LeBrasse and put all five of them through . . . please?)