Songs In The Key Of Firing Ricki Lee

In deference to the fact that she is driving me bug eyed freaking crazy and RUINING MY SHOW, tonight's theme is Songs In The Key Of Firing Ricki Lee (it completely and utterly rhymes, say it out loud!! Go on, you know you want to!) It out RAWKS their lacklustre RAWK theme night in which both Kirk Pengilly and one of the Farrissesss (Farrissi?) - not the hot one - prove to be not one tenth as helpful as La Lauper or as entertaining as Fosse's Husband Darren Hayes. FYI, the hot Farriss is Jon, the drummer. One night Rage had an All INXS video night and my then housemate Flick and I realised Jon Farriss had been remarkably hot for a large portion of our childhood and we had never noticed. Then I watched Rockstar INXS and realised it was no longer an issue.

(Pengilly is still rocking the riDICulous facial hair he had during Rockstar INXS. He and Luke are going to get along like gangbusters. Then they'll team up and go get a wooden leg, a parrot, an eye patch and scurvy as they hit the open seas. Garrrrr.)

Speaking of hot drummers, Luke Dickens is going to do Lenny Kravitz's 'Are You Going To Go My Way' and the drummer from that film clip made me question my sexuality during my university days. Man, she was cool. And hot. She also made me question the laws of thermodynamics. The INXS boys say Luke's a front man in desperate need of a band. They disagree about how they want him to start the song and Brother Farriss hilariously suggests he shave his beard whilst the band kicks the intro. Yeah, when they start playing this song I just want to get up and madly dance at the Metro in Freo with my uni friends. I wonder if the Sail and Anchor pub still has $2 middies (pots for you eastern staters). This song actually lets Luke get a little bit more musicality into his performance, he hits it all quite nicely, playing well with the band and the BV's, finishing with the drummer - who is not hot but who I am sure is a delightful person, nonetheless. Luke continues to surprise and entertain me, although really, RAWK was always going to be a good week for him.

Dicko agrees, calling it a great start to the show but then goes on to say he needs to highlight some different flavours in his voice although it was great for RAWK. Luke throws a "yeah, mate" at him and the audience chuckles. Oh, the funny Outback Blokey Aussie Guy, you amuse us. Apparently. Marcia reluctantly agrees with Dicko that it was one of the best openers they could have wished for on RAWK night but he needs light and shade. The Dread Pirate Pengilly is chuffed he listened to him and Brother Farriss and is amazed that three months ago Luke was singing to his tractor. Kyle wants to know what Luke's going to do for Motown next week (oh, good god) but Luke slyly refuses to tell only promising that he'll like it. G calls it a cracking start and then (Gladys Knight and the) Pips it up at the mike stand, twirling and clicking his fingers and then requesting a copy of the tape for his audition for the Australian Cast of Jersey Boys.

Luke's Song In The Key Of Firing Ricki Lee; Luke's going to sing Pat Benetar's 'All Fired Up' and as a finale he'll set whatserface on fire using the whisky he drinks nightly to rasp his throat, as accelerant.

whatserface drops it that Thanh Bui will be singing . . . Linkin Park's 'Shadow of the Day'? Buh? Is there some new Boy Band called Lincoln Parka who are an homage to the sixteenth President of the United States and the day he wore an anorak that I'm not aware of? She surely can't mean the Linkin Park? Can she? I mean, she gets shit wrong all the time so we're just going to sit quietly here and wait and see if she read the teleprompter wrong. Huh, he is singing Linkin Park. You win this time, whatserface. The Dread Pirate Pengilly convinces Thanh to play the piano for only half the song, which he seems to think will make him look less like a try hard. He's barely playing any chords, why does he have the piano at all? Also, he's missing every second note, no, make that every note. Owie owie, my ears. Thanh, I thought we sorted this out last week, man. Egregious and flagrant abuse of the key change and it just gets worse and worse. This is woeful, make it stop please.

Marcia said that song made her nervous (and also apparently a moll for a New York gangster because she says 'noiverse' like she's auditioning for a part in Jersey Boys) but thought he did well. Was she maybe listening to the original of that song on her iPod and not Thanh's? The Dread Pirate Pengilly was also 'noiverse' but Thanh listened to what they told him and he got up from the piano and therefore The Dread Pirate Pengilly thought it was good. He had the rightside earpiece of Marcia's iPod in, obviously. Kyle says he was so great last week and now seems to be back where he was a couple of weeks ago (cue audience booing) and says he looked around while Thanh was performing and no one really cared that much. Did we see his parents and the glittery-iest, prettiest signs in Idol history tonight, I don't recall, I was too horrified by what Thanh was doing to that song. He says something is missing and he doesn't know what it is. Daddy Dicko knows what it is, he says Thanh has a really capable voice ( . . . ouch, damned with faint praise) but is consciously capable and he needs to be unconsciously capable, don't think it, feel it. Thanh is still the nicest kid on Idol ever and takes it all in his stride.

Thanh's Song In The Key Of Firing Ricki Lee; 'Light My Fire(d)' by The Doors. Then slam her head in a door, repeatedly.

G and Mathieson swoon a little over having groupies and boys, you don't have groupies, you have fangirls. We're an entirely different breed of stalking animal.

This weeks mournful dirge from Sophie Paterson is silverchair's 'Anna's Story'. Dude, that's some melancholy lyric, right there. She'll nail it. The Dread Pirate Pengilly calls her vulnerable and says she needs to stretch herself so that a CD of Sophie's Songs doesn't make people want to kill themselves. Brother Farriss says she has a huge future. She stretches to reach some of the higher notes, not quite hitting them but she emotes nicely, there is enough required angst for this song and it's pretty good but not as good as previous weeks. She continues to not sing brilliantly but there's just something about her that I like more than Roshani and Chrislyn, I guess it's that you could go to the Idol auditions and throw some stones and hit a dozen Roshani's to every one Sophie. I'm shrugging at my computer. I like her, is all. I do NOT like how she moves around the stage, she's very . . . lumpy. Get up! Get UP!

The Dread Pirate Pengilly said it was really good but thinks she needs to work on her stagecraft and engage the audience. He comments that she picked a song that wasn't on The List. Aha! So they can deviate from The List? That's very interesting, thank you, Dread Pirate. Kyle mistakenly takes her comments about growing up as a teenage girl and worrying about her weight to mean that she had anorexia and dude, he doesn't pay attention EVER, does he? At rehearsal he thought she would be the first RAWK disaster because silverchair is HARD to sing (and remember the season the groups had to sing Straight Lines at the Seymour Centre and NO ONE got it right? Daniel Johns has a wicked falsetto, yo. When it works.) but he thinks she's on her way to getting her head above water. Dicko agrees it was a tough song and she did a really good job of it, she kept her pitch under control and had good emotion. He says he needs to step up, personality-wise. Marcia interrupts to agree that she needs to get her some commanding stage presence. Dicko says she needs to sell her message and Kyle puts Sophie on the spot asking what her message is. Sophie is not quick enough on her feet to shoot back with 'World Peace?", Sandra Bullock style but we'll let that pass. G comes out in Sophie's corner, saying if you dramatise a song like that you run the risk of overplaying the seriousness of the song's message about anorexia. He thinks she did a great job.

Sophie's Song In The Key Of Firing Ricki Lee; The Theme From Twin Peaks 'Fire(d) Walk With Me'. And if you could arrange to have whatserface "dead, wrapped in plastic", that'd be tops, thanks Soph. Whilst you're doing that I'll have a slice of cherry pie and a cup of joe, thanks.

The Dread Pirate Pengilly tells Teale Jakubenko he should swing the guitar behind his back and sing without it halfway through and isn't he all about that? What's your issue with committing to the fricking instrument, Dread Pirate? Is this because Michael would never let you sing? (I never saw INXS live, did The Dread Pirate Pengilly ever get to sing?) Teale does not sing 'Slide' by The Goo Goo Dolls at all well (and did anyone else think G was trying not to laugh when he introduced it as "Teale Jakubenko's contribution to RAWK night"? I mean, it's THE GOO GOO DOLLS. Soft . . . ), it's probably the worst he's sounded. He plays the guitar the whole time. Maybe The Dread Pirate Pengilly put the INXS kibosh on him or something for ignoring his advice because his voice is wavering all the hell over the place and it is seriously lame-o.

Kyle calls it soft rock but thinks he did a reasonable job. He dubs it safe and not the best he's been. Dicko says on the plus side Teale's very dependable and on the minus side . . . lather rinse repeat. He says he can get tedious and that with RAWK legends like The Dread Pirate Pengilly and Brother Farriss, he should take the support while he has it and learn and grow and take risks. Brown Sugar hit the crack pipe tonight because she thinks Teale has an incredible sexual appeal. Buh? She also thinks throwing the guitar over his shoulder would have been The Business. She wants him to entertain us. The Dread Pirate Pengilly and his moustache are disappointed with Teale. He hoped Teale would do something that would make us go wow - he did, Dread Pirate, just not in a good way - like throw his guitar away or throw down the microphone stand. He tells him he needs to step up and push himself. Mathieson feels up Teale, kicks over the mike stand and then threatens to smash Teale's guitar on the floor. Heee.

Teale's Song In The Key Of Firing Ricki Lee; The Prodigy's 'Fire(d)starter'. Take one (1) whatserface Coulter. Dress in rayon low cut dress. Hairspray coif to within an inch of its life. Stand upright in BBQ. Light match. Stand at least three feet back to avoid loss of eyebrows.

Roshani Priddis says you don't want to stand in front of INXS (or, you know, a third of it) and sing some naff pop wannabe rock song (like something by The Goo Goo Dolls, for instance, Teale?) Brother Farriss and The Dread Pirate Pengilly think she has a great voice and can do anything. Hmm. Whilst you can't have RAWK night without some Foo Fighters I don't know that Roshani will appropriately RAWK up 'The Pretender'. She's half again the size of The Great And Awesome Dave Grohl, will she have enough grunt? She's being much too pretty with the lyric and no, this is the kind of song you get drunk on tequila and then have fast, hard, unapologetic sex with up against the dank, dark, many times peed upon wall of some skanky nightclub at three am and neither of you have to call the other in the morning. This may be a recurring sexual fantasy I have about His Grohlness . . . I do like the chorus, but not the rest of it.

Wha . . . why are Dicko and Marcia giving her a standing ovation? Dicko calls it his favourite air guitar song of all time and says that if she'd gotten it wrong he was going to have to 'go' her. He says she tore it apart, it was full of energy and she stood out from the crowd. Marcia loves The Foo and calls her performance the most committed, hit you in the face, slamming thing she's done on stage. The Dread Pirate Pengilly jokes it was crap but then calls it excellent. He says she's just great and did everything they asked for, he likes it when they do that, doesn't he? Kyle is impressed that she can be a 'sultry sally' one week and then grab the contest by the frigging throat, which is what she did this week. When G comes out, he immediately slides his feet out from his body so he sinks down a little and doesn't tower too much over Roshani. He's just the best!

Roshani's Song In The Key Of Firing Ricki Lee; 'The Christmas Song' by Torme and Wells so we can all imagine whatserface's chestnuts roasting on an open fire(d).

Wes Carr is Bono-ing it up, with U2's 'Desire'. The Dread Pirate Pengilly notices that Wes has a habit of going hell bent for leather and wants him to build the song instead. Brother Farriss plays a tambourine. There are no hats anywhere to be seen although G does comment that U2 used to wear a lot of cowboy hats in 1989; really disappointingly The Messiah does not come out with one perched upon his noggin. He sings great, his leg twitches, he almost loses me when he finger guns at the camera when he sings "shotgun". And I'm more than a little pissed off with the constant really tight close up, until they pull back to reveal The Messiah has produced a harmonica from NOWHERE (possibly his jeans back pocket but it's so close to water into wine that I'm just going with it because you guys, HARMONICA!!!) Shaneequa says he's just trying to be Bono. Aren't we all though? Aren't we all? Also, can Bono play the harmonica? And produce it from NOWHERE?? Huh? I don't think so. He is SO one of the final two standing, it's not even funny.

Marcia gives us one of her oldies "that's what I'm talking 'bout". She lauds his use of the stage and then she blathers and look, he made her speak in tongues!! Dicko wants to know what it's like for The Dread Pirate Pengilly sitting on a panel with his ex mother-in-law and I totally forgot he used to be married to Deni. He calls him the full package, citing it as the best performance of the night. Kyle makes eyes at Wes gushing that he knows he's not meant to have favourites but Wes is totally his favourite. Then he makes him a little friendship bracelet and uses sunscreen to write 'Kyle and Wes BFF 4eva' on his thigh and sits in the sun for four hours so he has a burn tattoo. Mathieson tries to cut the night short by cutting off Dicko and hey! We'll have none of that, Jimmy, back to the side of the stage and let Daddy talk. Dicko reminds him that he was worried he was going to plateau at some point and he can consider that monkey off his back and agrees it was the best perf of the night.



The Messiah's Song In The Key Of Firing Ricki Lee
Kill (whatserface) Bill
Scene : Interior Boardroom. The lighting is dim, yet arty.

A pastiche of impeccably chosen retro 70's classics segues into Tomoyasu Hotei's "Battle Without Honor or Humanity" as the Contestants of Australian Idol 08 find themselves seated around a large rectangular table, the judges at the head and whatserface Coulter in the middle.

Andrew G and Mathieson stand on either side of The Messiah at the head of the table as he leaps through the air, pulls his samurai sword from his belt and in one clean swoop, removes the head of whatserface Coulter who has queried if he really needs to wear a hat tonight because she never wore a hat when she was on Aus Idol, but you saw her on the show that year, right, she didn't win but that totally had nothing to do with her not wearing a hat, right?

He turns to the judges, calmly wiping the gore from his sword on his hemp tunic, flicking his shiny Jesus locks over his shoulder and picking up the bloody head by one of its stupid stupid earrings.

As he speaks, G calmly translates into text and emoticon speak for the Idols and younger viewers.

The Messiah : "As your leader, I encourage you from time to time, and always in a respectful manner, to question my logic. If you're unconvinced that a particular plan of action I've decided is the wisest, tell me so, but allow me to convince you and I promise you right here and now, no subject will ever be taboo. Except, of course, the subject that was just under discussion. The price you pay for bringing up either my hats or the wearing of such as a negative is... I collect your fucking head. Just like this fucker here. Now, if any of you sons of bitches got anything else to say, now's the fucking time!"

G : " <3 ;) lol brb ROFLMAO @ u :( OMG ??!!1111?!"

The judges look nervously at each other.

Wes : "I didn't think so"
G: *pwn*

He drops the head carelessly on the table.
Her glassy dead eyes stare at Marcia.
They seem to say 'You're next.'
Marcia gulps.
End scene.

(Then later in the show Mark Spano, wearing a yellow jumpsuit, TOTALLY goes head to head in a samurai sword fight to the death with The Messiah and scalps him. I'm just saying.)

Sidebar; Shut up Katy Perry. Also, was she stoned? Or is she JUST as annoying in real life as her songs are?

G plays 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' on the gi-tar as we come back from the break and someone in the audience screams "I love you Andrew G" and no it wasn't me. Unless you could hear me from my place, because I totally do! Mathieson tells him to hit the showers (subtext; wait for me before you shampoo, you know you sleep better when I massage your scalp.)

Chrislyn Hamilton has No Doubt's 'Don't Speak' completely incorrectly figured out. She thinks its an angry song. Well. Maybe superficially, but really, if you listen to the lyric and the lazy way Gwen Stefani sings this song it's actually more a kind of fed up, hand wavy, get out of my face, dude we are DONE, kind of song. If you wanted to do an angry, spitting, venomous No Doubt song, then 'Just A Girl' is the song. Man, Gwen is pissed when she sings that song. The Dread Pirate Pengilly and Brother Farriss think she could pretty much sing anything but that they need to try and make it RAWK because this? Ain't RAWK. She starts off wildly out of key and it takes about a third of the song to get back. Shaneequa can't forgive the hair. She builds it up in the middle but as soon as she drops it again and screeches out of key towards the end, she loses it again completely. Chrislyn's worst performance of the whole season. That SUCKED.

The Dread Pirate Pengilly and Chrislyn talk about the fact that she was crying a little and dude, there's no crying in baseball or Idol, what's that about? He says it was a difficult song and she RAWKed it up more than it was in rehearsals and it was really good. Whatever, go rape and pillage some tiny island nation, dude. Kyle was worried at the beginning but thinks she smashed it halfway through and thought the last part was great. Urgh. Idiot. He berates the cameraman for missing the wide shot of her throwing the mike stand on the floor and DUDE, you have worked in tv for how long? That kind of thing is in the control of the director who is choosing which camera shot we see, there are multiple and they just happened to be on one who was in tight and not a wide shot. The teamsters move Kyle's car to an undisclosed location and break his windscreen in a show of solidarity. Oy. Dicko finally brings some sense to the table, calling it a clumsy and largely pointless perf, way over the top and over acted. He berates her song choice, why not pick a RAWK song instead of a pop song and trying to RAWK it up? Marcia wants to know what that song means to her and Chrislyn has totally had her heart broken and she gets the pain of that song, Brown Sugar, she does. Marcia notes that a lot of the songs Chrislyn has sung thus far have been about unrequited love and says she's got to use it but not let it take her too far into overacting land. And yes, if she'd gone with the original vibe of the song she might have been able to control her vocal better as well.

Chrislyn's Song In The Key Of Firing Ricki Lee; Green Day's 'Redundant'. No long service leave for you either, RL. Here, I'll help you pack your desk up, man, you have a lot of bobble heads and drink a ton of RedBull. Here, take the stapler with you, no one's looking!

Mark Spano totally geeks out meeting The Dread Pirate Pengilly and Brother Farriss. They want him to aspire to more than pub gigs. G introduces the song, King's of Leon number 'Sex Is On Fire' and I like Andrew G saying 'sex', it makes me giggle. Spanner and his Mother Mary tshirt croon through half closed lids and he tilts his head back and throws down the mike stand and grunts and good goddamn. I can't tear my eyes away from him to make sure I'm typig corecctly. He crucifix poses a bit towards the end but man, it's nice to have you back, Mark. Outstanding singing. Great performance. Memo from Spanner to The Messiah; it is ON, dude.

Kyle crows that it was fantastic and tells him it was spot on. He looked comfortable, he was in the zone, he had that "trippy little eye thing happening". Kyle wants to see that or greater for the rest of the series and if so then he's got a real shot at it. Seriously, I can't say it enough, final two, The Messiah and Spanner. Dicko tells him it was sexy and cool and when he gets it right, it's really right. Dicko says he thinks "Australia's collective female libido felt a bit of a tremor there". Marcia tells him well done and welcomes him back also. The Dread Pirate Pengilly wants to sack Rockstar INXS winner JD and hire Spanner. He calls it an intense "moist" performance and the room gets a little uncomfortable. Mathieson tells viewers to SMS 'Moist' to 19 10 10.

Mark's Song In The Key Of Firing Ricki Lee; 'Fired' by Ben Folds. Additional points to be allocated if Spanner sings the line "every one of you is fired" instead as "every one of you fond of dressing in lavender babydoll dresses and releasing strangely addictive pop songs except for that 'Wiggle It' piece of crap, seriously that is one bad song, is fired!" He just plain wins the whole damn shebang if he shouts out the last line "moottttherfuccccccckerrrrrrrrrssssssss" whilst Foreman breaks his piano stool over the head of the first still weeping for Tom Willams tween he can find.

Bottom Three/Four; Thanh, Teale, Chrislyn
Barely Scraping By; Luke and Roshani
Top Two; Spanner and The Messiah (with Sophie somewhere in between them and Luke.)

Tomorrow night *we* can speak to the judges or the Idols. Yeah, timewasting of the worst kind. And little Jess Mauboy performing her new single! Yay!

whatserface? Fired. Out of a cannon, into the motherfreaking sea.

TallulahBelle out.