Shaddupyaface.

So, pretty much every year - every year - the Idol contestants ruin some good ol' Aussie songs, although last year The Gauc (remember her? Yeah, me neither) did this ;

"Andrew G’s girlfriend Natalie Gauci is singing The Divinyls ‘All The Boys In Town’ and from the moment I heard she was doing that song, I said to myself that she would have to dirty it up because Chrissy Amphlett could make 'Ave Maria' sound FILTHY. God love her, national fucking treasure, Amphlett is. Bronze that woman. The Gauc infuses the start of the song with a nice touch of self disgust and busts out some lovely growly bits – it all fits, this is a song about being used and allowing yourself to be used by all and sundry and she captures it nicely – and just as I start wishing she hadn’t chained herself to the piano so she could stalk at us a bit because this song demands prowling across the stage like you’re going to have sex with every man you meet in a swirling press of sweat and fluids, she gets off the stool, marches around the piano and CLIMBS THE FUCK ON TOP!! She is begging and pleading the last bits of the song and when she practically STAMPS her foot for someone to ‘get me out of here’ at the end, my chest physically aches. Touch. Down. (oooh, two capitals.) Dicko thinks that the stairs were a bit of a cop out and says Chrissy would never have done that, she’d have struggled up herself. I don’t know, I personally think she would have hauled some sucker up from the audience and dug her stilettos into his spinal cord to get up there – that’s the risk you take when you go and see The Divinyls, spinal damage, baby, that band is only for the fierce. And The Gauc? Is fucking FIERCE."

Remember the piano?! The Gauc and her leggings stomping on top of a baby grand? MAN, that was an awesome performance, so good in fact that it made me completely forget about the cracked up version of The Veronicas 'When It All Falls Apart' that Tarasai Vushe then inflicted on us. Or The Season Of Irish when every second person seemed to do a Bee Gee's song, except for Damien Leith who did very pretty things to both 'Message To My Girl' and my girly squishy insides; or the year that OneTrickPonyDeadToMeLee Harding ruined 'Holy Grail' by SMILING the entire way through it and then Chris Luder forgot the words to 'Throw Your Arms Around Me' and only TeamKate's performance of John Farnham's 'Please Don't Ask Me' saved me from garroting myself. What I'm trying to say, in a remarkably longwinded manner, is that inevitably the majority of performances on Australian Night are lame, awful or cracked up like a Tuesday night whore (unless, interestingly enough, you're the eventual winner of the season) and I'm sick of it. This week's theme then, will be TallulahBelle Has Been Called UnAustralian For Hating These Songs By At Least One Person because if I already hate the song, the Idol's can't do very much to change that. Right? Let the games and the unholy ruination of perfectly good songs that I just don't like because I'm stubborn that way, begin.

Darren Hayes is awesome. Not a fan of his music, but DAMN, I love him on this show. Even with his very tame merchant banker hairstyle.

It can only be a good sign that Thanh Bui has the dreaded first perfomance slot (and therefore easily forgotten by voters and those traumatised by his style of singing), even if he is totally stealing my thunder by already choosing one of my least favourite Australian songs of all time, John Farnham's 'You're The Voice", which I just LOATHE. I hated it when it was number one forEVER and got played NONSTOP on Countdown and the radio and my brother and sister would deliberately sing it at the top of their lungs because they knew how much I hated it and MAN. I just can not stand this song. Ruin it at your leisure, Thanh. Darren feeds Thanh's delusion that there's room in the Aust music industry for another John Farnham sounding Anthony Callea clone and Thanh announces he's going back to his roots. (Speaking of roots, it's been three weeks since I dyed my hair red and MAN, hair grows a lot faster than you think.) Oh, dude. He's not singing terribly bad, but he's just so lame. He'll fit right the hell in doing songs for any of the morning breakfast shows. I about bust a gut laughing when he tries to butch the song up by yelling "come on" at the audience, it's just not that song Thanh. His parents are in the audience and they're loving him. Bland. Woah, his teeth are white.

Dicko admits to giving him a hard time over the last few weeks and says it was a big call doing such a "massive song". He acknowledges it wasn't the coolest performance but says Thanh broke through and let himself go and there was joy in it. Marcia likes that he's loosened up and there was joy and humility in his performance. She dug it and the audience dug it. Could they dig it down about six feet and lay it to rest? I've got a headstone they can use. Darren is terribly proud of him and says it was believable. Well, yes it was believeable because that's Thanh, he's bland, he's a John Farnham impersonater and that was right up his boring alley. Kyle calls him cheesy and naff (and this is why Thanh's a nice guy, he laughs thunderously at that, not taking offense at all) and he needs to lose that to be a big star (not really going to a problem, Kyle). G is fingerwaggingly disappointed that John Foreman didn't bagpipe that song up. He throws to whatserface Coulter, calling her a home grown star and I'd like to think that the Exec Producer has his wife backstage with a gun to her head threatening to bust a cap in her ass if he didn't say that. Actually, where's Mathieson? Do they have a gun to Mathieson's head?? Oh good god, say whatever they want G! She's a national treasure, she's a bonafide superstar, she was cheated of Season Two, in fact, let's retrospectively announce whatserface as the winner of Season Two, let her release PoorPoorCasey's single again and give her all the Aria's she can hold so long as they let Mathieson live, for the love of god, let him LIVE. She's not fired, I promise!!

Oh, there he is. Phew. Okay. (In that case? Fired.) Darren isn't too sure that meek Chrislyn Hamilton has the cojones to emotionally belt Tina Arena's 'Chains' adequately and for real, it's like the Idol's have some kind of weird looking glass through which they can see the songs I hate, although my bile doesn't rise nearly as far up for any particular song of Tina's, just all of Tina's kind of singing (I got my mother the new Tina CD for Christmas last year on the proviso she was never to play it in my presence) but I have to say, her time on the Idol panel in the UK has cut back on my dislike. (And really, my dislike is just the remants of childhood jealousy over her Young Talent Time days. I really wanted to be on that show, even though I mock it greatly now but that's more Callea's fault.) Anyway, Chrislyn sings for Darren and he is newly converted. She's kind of a little off (it's too low for her) until she hits the "I'm in chaaaaaains" bit and the end is awesome, with all the wailing and the "baby, baby LOOK at me" is heartfelt. I'm kind of a little over her type of singing though. She's all glory notes and power and her lower register needs work, especially when she's singing a slower song.

Marcia notes that she's a mature performer and she was initally really worried (I'm assuming about the song choice) but that she doesn't need to worry anymore. Girlfriend. Darren says she tore it up, she blew him away and that she looks fricking sexy. Chrislyn gets excited about that because she's a total hag in training. I recognise that in her. Kyle tells her she must have several people living inside her (no one goes for the obvious joke that she may have eaten them because that is BENEATH US ALL) because every week she's different. Dicko thinks her market would be women and gay boys Australia wide. Everyone studiously avoids making eye contact with Darren. Then he compares her to a Mills and Boon novel and says we've had the strong woman, the vulnerable woman and now it's time for the sexy woman. Kyle - of course - has no other reference for sexy but Britney Spears and Marcia shoots back that "there's sexy and then there's ho" and DAY-UM, Brown Sugar! Mathieson is impressed with Marcia's work. As are we all, James.

The idiot girlies in the audience scream at the mere mention of Tom Williams and his Dimples. He admits to Darren that he's been having a hard time of it, what with his shit song choices and the bad singing of said songs. Darren tells him he needs to connect more as an artist and says he needs to sing as if it's his last time on Aust television and from your lips, Hayes, from your lips. He's going to be doing Evermore's 'Light Surrounding You' and yep, they're a New Zealand band but hey, if Irish can do a Split Enz number than Dimples can do an Evermore one. Except of course when it inevitably turns out that he can't. He starts off very very earnest and this is probably the best he's sounded for a while but he's still not anywhere near the level of the other singers and he looks terrified and cheesy all at the same time. So in the interest of him not being allowed to continue to do slightly horrendous things to a song I quite like, instead I'd like him to read out the IMDB listing for The Castle, which whilst it isn't an Australian song, is an Aust movie I don't like and I have been called UnAustralian for my position on this. If he could chuck in a "How's the serenity?", so much the better. Either way, we wouldn't have to listen to his singing.

Darren smirks a little about Tom's squealing ladies (cut to the idiots in the audience who are losing their minds over this season's poor man's - or girl's - Matt Corby, who seriously, I didn't like him but Corby OWNS this kid when it comes to singing talent, even if he never looked at the camera) making it difficult for him to concentrate and maintain his focus and says that tonight he liked to see the committment but avoids saying anything about his actual singing. Kyle does what I'm assuming he thinks is an impersonation of me, as he puts on his old person voice and prattles on about sixteen being too young for this competition and how the stupid freaking tweenies love love LOVE Tom ohmigodheisjustsodreamy and then kind of compares him to Miley Cyrus or something. He does not say anything about Tom's singing. Dicko notes to the viewers at home that Evermore are NZers. He then brilliantly tells the screaming masses of idiot fangirls to go to their rooms because they need to shut the hell up when Daddy Dicko is talking, okay? He says Tom is skewing very very young with his audience and he needs to try and do something more uptempo. Dicko doesn't say anything about his singing. Marcia ruins the trend by calling him a fine singer. Shut up Marcia. G threatens to take away the tweenies mobile phone credit if they don't shut the hell up and DO IT, quickly before he makes it through to another week.

Okay so I haven't been called UnAustralian for hating 'Black Fingernails Red Wine' by Eskimo Joe but my LORD, I fucking hate this song and dude, the Idol's are so doing all the work for me tonight. I hated this song when it was played eight times a day on the radio, I hated it when Mutto did it on Aus Idol, I hate it now. And there's no way Teale isn't going to pretty this song up with his perfect enunciation and bang that final nail in the 'BFRW' coffin. So go for it dude, ruin away. Darren shows him how he needs to dirty it up and put some colour in the song and no, BAD Darren, let him ruin the song. He stares scarily down the camera and gives off some serious serial killer vibes. The red wash the lighting guys are using isn't helping. Seriously, he's scaring the hell out of me, stop it dude. His singing is lovely and perfect for this song and he's never been better and we should all vote for Teale, right? Dude, STOP LOOKING AT ME, I'm being as nice as I can. Mummy.

Kyle is pleased he's worked on his stage presence but that there's still too much thinking going on in his head. Kyle channels me and says the stare was less sexy and more Silence Of The Lambs. Dicko thinks his voice is getting better but on the down side thinks the rock posturing is too try hard. Marcia says it didn't work for Dicko because he's a man and gets the ladies in the audience to throw their panties on stage and look, I have all the requisite girly bits for swooning, get Spanner out here and watch me tizzy up, but that was not sexy, Marcia. Even with an agreed safe word. Mine is 'pumperknickel'. She tells him he needs more air in his voice and liked it when he dropped to his knees. Marcia's safe word is 'wellington'. Darren thought it was world class. Darren has a crush!! Darren's safe word is 'Daniel Jones'.* Dicko's is 'Glastonbury', Mathieson's is 'pirate', G's is 'anythingbuttheface', whatserface's is 'fired' and Kyle doesn't have a safe word at all. Teale has the deepest speaking voice. Mathieson calls him filthy Teale, and slips him his home address.

Sidebar; they're fasttracking NCIS? Other than Lakey, who watches that show? Even if Michael Wetherley is adorable when he's on Rove and has a total mancrush on Hamish. Fast track the new season of Dexter and start showing Battlestar Galactica again, you bastards.

Thanh for real thinks that Robbie Williams 'Angel' is Australia's favourite song? Dude, that song IS awesome but what the hell world do you even live in?

Roshani Priddis loves me. Why else would she have chosen a Renee Gayer song to do? However in interest of fairness, I must insist that she instead sing Kylie Minogue's 'Can't Get You Out Of My Head' as badly as possible. Please? I never got why everyone loved that song so freaking much, it's repetitive and dull and Kylie doesn't even really show her bum that much in the film clip. It's a mystery, Charlie Brown. 'Heading In The Right Direction' is a GREAT song choice for Roshani. Darren works with her on bringing the pain and hurt into the song. This is a great arrangment, simple and clean, with just her and Foreman on the piano. Even when her voice cracks a little on a few of her glory note bits and I could have done without the backing vocals - leave it just her and the piano - it's still pretty good.

Dicko compliments her on her style of performance, she's drawn everyone in and shown a different energy to the other 'big' performers of the night and he thinks that will show dividends. Marcia says she could hear her thinking in the song and she needs to just feel. Darren calls it an outstanding vocal performance and loves her outfit and totally wants to go shopping with her. Kyle says it was a great performance and vocal but is worried she might bore people. He's never heard the song before and probably doesn't know who Renee Gayer is either, honestly if it isn't the Pussycat Dolls or Usher, Kyle doesn't care for it. Schmuck.

I have to say that I honestly think Wes Carr could turn me around on the Choir Boys song 'Run To Paradise'. It's one of those songs that people - usually drunken - sing at the top of their lungs whilst I huddle in a corner in the foetal position trying desperately to protect my ears. I loathe it so very very much. The Messiah could strip it right down, play his guitar, sing it instead of screaming it and I might just love it the way the rest of the crowd at the Geebung seems to. Instead he's picked The Easybeats 'Friday On My Mind' and holy hell, he's not wearing a hat! He is wearing one to perform though. He's also instrument less. And wow. You notice the spazzy leg and crazy hands he's rocking when he doesn't have something to distract him. He wanders into the crowd and runs around the stage like a maniac to possibly distract us from the boring arrangement and - lets be honest here - not great singing. Everyone gets one bad week.

Marcia loves his energy and how solid he is as a performer, but she wants him to lose the hat for a couple of weeks and AMEN, sister girlfriend. For Darren, Wes is a superstar on stage and says that he reminds him of Bono and that he's a good bloke. Kyle loved it all, even the Forrest Gump dancing. Dicko says he's a walking iPod and has great reference points. He calls him a total rockstar. Wes's girlfriend is sitting next to a guy who is also wearing a crazy hat. Sigh.

whatserface says Luke Dickens will be singing a Barnesy classic. Oh dear god, please let it be 'Working Class Man'. I totally have that all picked out for him . . . ooooh, it's actually a Chisel song, 'Flame Trees'. That's . . . interesting. I wanted Brooke Addamo to do that one but you know, in a weird way - and I still don't get why I like him - this could TOTALLY work. I don't even know who I am anymore. He and Darren bond over being QLDers. Oh. No. Don't like it. It may seem redundant to say that he's screeching too much whilst singing a Chisel song, but he's totally having to strain to hit the register and he's stripped all the emotion from it. Also, he's turning purple. Should someone help him?

Darren has a soft spot for him and thinks his voice is extraordinary. Kyle's family loves Luke and Kyle does an impersonation of an Aussie rocker that is both spot on and hilarious. He calls him a star. Dicko wants to know if Luke's voice, which he lost earlier, has melted down because of the grog and tells him he needs to protect his voice. He tells him he needs to stop powering through songs and pull it back a bit. Marcia congratulates him for getting through the song and tells him he now knows what an amazing voice the Screeching Scot has. She tells him he needs to rest his instrument.

Sophie Paterson loves to mix it up, doesn't she? She's going to be singing The Potbelleez 'Don't Hold Back', which . . . weird choice for her. I'd have given her Delta Goodrem's 'Born To Try' which I usually hate and given it the acoustic treatment. Which might make me hate it less. But don't hold your breath. Even if Delta playing it live on the Footy Show one year did make me a little teary. Shut up. Darren wants the girl he saw in London back and he helps her break the tempo down and turn the song into a sad ballad. Man, if you want that kind of thing - check out Julia and Angus Stone's version of 'Tubthumping'. Seriously, that song goes from pub anthem to song about alcoholism in two seconds flat when they sing it. It's freaking awesome. She's seated and taken it into a higher register and given it the Tori Amos treatment and holy fucking hell, this is GREAT. She rips the hell out of the lyric and it becomes a mournful lamenting song. AuntieJ emails me when she sees this in Perth to say she would absolutely buy that as a single. So would I. I got serious chills when she sang that. This has to be the week she isn't bottom three, right?

Kyle thinks she's back to the old Sophie. She agrees she was trying too hard to please everyone. He really likes those 'bits' in her voice but he doesn't like the vibrato she has. Dicko says it's nice to see her natural but he would have liked to see the uptempo song and it's not often we disagree Dicko but you could not be more fucking wrong. That was ace, best arrangement and performance of the night thus far. Shut up Dicko. Marcia tells her to keep going with more of what she just did and stay true to herself. Darren is thrilled that the fragile, innocent, introverted Sophie is back and then tells Dicko he thoroughly disagrees with him and if she'd done it as a dance number it would have missed the point and of course he's going to say that, he practically arranged it for her. But he's still right.

You know how every single time you go to any bar in Australia at any given time, on any given night, they'll be playing Chisel's 'Khe Sanh'? I'm sure I'm not the only person in this wide, brown land of ours who does not have the first clue what the words to this song are when I'm sober. I need to consume at least five beers, three shots of tequila and half a pack of Winnie Blues before I can sing along. I have friends who will attest to this. Which leaves me with a HELL of a headache, severe nausea and a mouth that feels like arse the next morning, so I am not particularly fond of 'Khe Sanh'. I have Post Traumatic Chisel Disorder and see a support group monthly. Also, if Mark Spano was doing Chisel, I wouldn't have to break up with him for saying that if you don't like Farnham, he doesn't like you. Why? Why would you say that, Spanner? WHY? Where has the love gone? Darren helps him with his higher register because Farnham has an AWESOME upper register and thus far we've not seen that from Mark. Also, Farnham? 'Age of Reason'? Oh, MARK. He sings this well. You know who doesn't? The backing singers, who sound pitchy and flat and AWFUL. I love you Spanner, but I have no time for this performance. Even if you do that sexy thing where you tilt your head back and dude, the veins on your neck are HOT. Still. Farnham? Urgh.

Dicko loves the effortless quality of his performances but wants him to try much much harder. He's becoming too laid back and needs to dig deeper and give us some Moments. Marcia thought it was beautiful and sombre but she knows he's got a lot more to give. Darren says it was great and solid. He wonders if the holding back is a fear of hurting his voice. Kyle agrees with Dicko that he's in cruise control and he needs A Moment. He needs to not look like he's been tuning (Really? Tuning? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?) chicks all week and then smashed out a song at the end. G is unhappy about the chicks reference and is not nearly as touchy as he usually is with Spanner.

It wouldn't suit her in the slightest but I totally want Madam Parker to bust out the Men At Work number 'Down Under'. Just 'cause. Wouldn't it be hilarious? Come on, you know you want to see that?! It would be completely deviating from the norm and SO much more interesting than The Freaking Veronicas. Darren tells her she purrs but she needs to "roar" on 'Hook Me Up' and says she's adorable like candy but she needs to be like filthy, dirty hot chocolate. She comes thisclose to missing the beginning of the song, like it started and she wasn't ready. She prowls a little but it's really kind of bland and not sung very well. Does Madam not care anymore? She gave a lazy performance last week too. I do like her fingerless gloves. There is no dirt or filth in this performance at all, did she listen even a smidge to Darren?

Marcia says it was unusual to hear her sing that kind of song. Madam thinks it was dangerous and that she got into her character. Maybe if her character was a sniper for hire as played by one of the Olsen twins. Darren says for a sweet person it was obviously difficult to find the inner ho (hah, he's great!) but he thinks it was sexy and cute. Kyle agrees it was dangerous to pick a pop rock song and it was difficult for her to execute. He thinks song choice was wrong and she should stick to the soul arena. Dicko says people think pop is easy and it's not and now she knows that because it was like Mother Teresa holding a lingerie party and it was wrong. G is horrified by the visual that gives him.

Bottom three - Thanh, Tom, Teale, Luke, Madam. Any of them.

Top three - Sophie, Roshani. I don't have a third, I only really liked the two girls. Although The Messiah and Spanner were still good enough to not go anywhere, even if Wes's singing was slightly off tonight. If Sophie is bottom three again, I'll be pissed. No liveblogging for the Monday show, I'll be off having dinner with Q. And powervoting for Sophie if she's there again.

TallulahBelle out.

*Daniel was the other member of Savage Garden. He'd totally be Darren's safe word, right?