The Twilight Five

There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to Idol fans. It is a dimension as vast as the list of Marcia’s favourite songs and timeless as Dicko’s smile. It is the middle ground between Mathieson and G, between ripostes laden with dry wit and fierce defence of The Gauc’s dress sense, and it lies between the pit of Kyle's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of stupidity/vacuousness/confusion/Holden. It is an area which we call . . . the TallulahBelle Week Late Blog Zone.

*shuffles awkwardly*

Yeah. Week late. I know, I KNOW. But look, in my defence . . . I . . . have no defence. But I have this to offer you . . . last weeks recap, sans long boring dull reiteration of the Judge’s opinions, huh??!! Huh??!! Deal? Deal. (except when Dicko makes sense and I have to pointedly agree with him and obviously also when Mark awards the Touchdown that earned him back the right of Capitalisation.)

Goldenchild Matt Corby sings the highly overrated ‘Twenty Good Reasons’ by Thirsty Merc and I mutter under my breath at least twelve ones for not doing this song. He seats himself at the piano which I automatically allocate points for and he sings it really well, but I deduct major MAJOR points from him because he does not look at the audience ONCE. They won’t bite you, young one. Except maybe for those screaming fan girlys at the back, they might. Dicko makes the comment that if you put together a concert of Matt’s performances thus far, it would be very very dull. That is one Winners Journey CD I will not be forking out for. Marcia calls it one of her favourite songs – drink!

Sigh! Andrew G’s girlfriend Natalie Gauci is singing The Divinyls ‘All The Boys In Town’ and from the moment I heard she was doing that song, I said to myself that she would have to dirty it up because Chrissy Amphlett could make 'Ave Maria' sound FILTHY. God love her, national fucking treasure, Amphlett is. Bronze that woman. The Gauc infuses the start of the song with a nice touch of self disgust and busts out some lovely growly bits – it all fits, this is a song about being used and allowing yourself to be used by all and sundry and she captures it nicely – and just as I start wishing she hadn’t chained herself to the piano so she could stalk at us a bit because this song demands prowling across the stage like you’re going to have sex with every man you meet in a swirling press of sweat and fluids, she gets off the stool, marches around the piano and CLIMBS THE FUCK ON TOP!! She is begging and pleading the last bits of the song and when she practically STAMPS her foot for someone to ‘get me out of here’ at the end, my chest physically aches. Touch. Down. (oooh, two capitals.) Dicko thinks that the stairs were a bit of a cop out and says Chrissy would never have done that, she’d have struggled up herself. I don’t know, I personally think she would have hauled some sucker up from the audience and dug her stilettos into his spinal cord to get up there – that’s the risk you take when you go and see The Divinyls, spinal damage, baby, that band is only for the fierce. And The Gauc? Is fucking FIERCE.

Marty It’s Time To Ruin A Powderfinger Song Simpson is doing the Finger’s ‘These Days’ and god, it pains me to say this, but when he was sitting in the studio with Holden singing into the mike, he sounded . . . good . . . actually, he sounded great. So it’s the audience and the big scary space that puts him off. Bodes well for his touring schedule because RSLs and little community halls is about all he’ll be able to fill after the show. He does something weird to the phrasing of the song, I can’t tell if its deliberate until the second verse and by then, eh, it’s too late. His voice doesn’t actually sound too horrendously bad but following The Gauc? He might as well not even have bothered to show up. Dicko talks about how they’ve practically had to haul him to the performance nights and nail his feet down and I’ve had that dream too, Dicko! There is also quartering and some scenarios from Cube involved as well, specifically the one where the guy gets cut up like an egg being diced and . . . lets just say Marty isn’t exactly in the same condition at the end of the dream that he is at the start and leave it at that.

Tarasai You Didn’t Know I Was This Frigging Insane At The Auditions, Did You? Vushe sings The Veronica’s ‘When It All Falls Apart’. The song starts off too low for her and her hair has been straightened and bollocksed with to the point where she looks too much like a young angry Tina Turner for me which makes it hard for to me focus because TT would NEVER be caught dead singing this crap. The Whitney poodle ‘do suits her better. She actually sings it really poorly, her voice is cracking all over the place and it sounds painful. Her pitch is crazy wrong and this is deservedly the week she should have gone. Even Marty was better than she was. That’s how much I didn’t like her performance, she drove me to liking MARTY better than her. Ouch.

Carl So Hot You Could BBQ Off Him 800 Degrees Celcius, For Real Put An Egg On My Forehead And See How Long It Takes Risely is scorching up the screen and laying his hotness on Little River Band’s ‘Reminiscing’. Ummm. Look, he’s still very pretty and the dude has the best male haircut on the show by a country MILE (out of the contestants, that is – I’m not counting the pretty that is G). He rocks an open collar shirt and has a gorgeous neck but the singing? Not. Great. Weak actually, really really weak. Downgrade. LukewarmCarl. How the mighty have fallen. But his smile, oh his smile . . . alright, fine. Back up to ThreeHourOldHotWaterBottleCarl and let's leave it there.

The recap showed the night BELONGED to Natalie. So she should have sat on a couch of her own with a sign above it that read ‘Those seated here not anywhere near the bottom three’ but once again the world made no sense and not only did she bottom three but she suspiciously bottom two’d with Little Miss Tarasai. I call shenanigans.

On to Big Band – quick recap before the real thing (which WILL be done in a timely fashion, I’ve done a Time Management Course and learned all kinds of shit!), Natalie continued the Ownage of Idol, Marty sucked in a way that was stupendously awful and awesome all at the same time, ThreeHourOldHotWaterBottleCarl broke all known previously held names and forced me to look up thesaurus definitions of Hot and Matt bored everyone to tears. Marty to go. Right? Seriously, I can’t take much more of him . . .