A pox on both their houses.

The dreaded Vocal Gymnastics has been joined by its evil brother, Key Change, on my list of things to have hunted down and killed. Death, say I, to the Key Change. (I am taking a stand on this, shocking isn’t it?) DEATH. Why oh WHY do some of the Idolees feel the need to partake in this silly, show-offy grandstanding style singing? I remember last year when Emelia (sobbed) that she didn’t know you could do more then one Key Change in a song – after Anthony did about five billion one night – and then the very next week she (sobbed) four in one song. Gah. The only decent thing about that was that the sound of Emelia Key-Changing was also the sound of her death knell resounding around this great land of ours. Good times, kids. Good times. The Key Change got a couple of them last night too. Not Laura though, noooooo she was dead in the water well before Key Change got out of bed, shaved, had a coffee, looked around the room and decided to fuck with some kids’ future.

Milly – Girlfriend has a great voice, but she was cabaret all the way. Understandable, being that cabaret is what she does for a living, but lets not do that again Milly mmkay? She still sounded great and is a foregone conclusion to tonights top three. In fact, its not even about the top three tonight, its about which two got the most votes after Milly – even though I don’t think she was the best last night. Oh, and will someone give her a crash course in How to Sit on a Sofa Wearing a Short Dress and Not Flash the World Your Knickers. Thanks.
Ben – the two of us need look no more, we both found what we were looking for. And it wasn’t Billy freaking Joel. Look, he sang this well – give him the telephone book and he will sing it well. Give him Memories from Cats and he will somehow make it not sound like the absolute crapfest of a song it is (BACK OFF FOSSE). But Billy freaking Joel?? If he makes it through it will be like WiggleChris last week and will be on the strength of previous songs. Doubtful. See you at Wildcard.
Laura – I . . . just . . . sigh. This is so sad. On the one hand I want to crucify her for sounding the worst I think anyone has ever sounded on this show. I want to talk about how much pain Pattycakes and I were in listening to her. I want to marvel that even listening to Emelia I never wanted to turn the tv off as much as I wanted to when Laura was on, but duuuude. I think we broke her. That is to say, I think Kyle broke her. She should NEVER have gotten to this stage. Mark was absolutely right telling Kyle off for making excuses for her. She missed a lot of notes, she started in the wrong key and then good god almighty, she massacred the Key Change. She left KC lying in the middle of the room in a pool of blood and spittle. But I BLAME THE JUDGES and the PTB for not talking her out of that song. If I was her, I don’t know that I’d even bother showing up tonight. Buh-bye.
Victoria – my first thought upon seeing Vicky was ‘thank god someone else got to her make-up before she did’, my second was ‘va-va-va-vooooooom’ about her dress and my third was ‘oh dearie dearie me’. She wasn’t great, she didn’t suck as much as some of the contestants last week and it is an incredibly hard song to sing without sounding nasal and annoying. She missed some notes but she hit the big ones. I want to like her, I do. But I don’t. Possibly has an unfair X-Factor advantage – making it to Kate’s Top Five might have won her some exposure that might . . . oh, who am I kidding. No-one watched X-Factor. Might make it Top Four. Maybe.
Bald guy. Um, David. Just a tip David, could you NAIL YOUR FUCKING FEET TO THE GROUND. He twitched and futzed around on stage aimlessly and it frustrated me so much I didn’t listen to him singing, but I do remember thinking he sounded a little weak and that he should have done something by Stevie Wonder. Not a chance in hell. I think.
Roxane – you DON’T need to put out the red light, you will have a singing career. She was awesome (even in that shite outfit). Best bit? Fosse had spent the couple of minutes of her pre-song 'Lets Get To Know Roxane' bit slagging her off, but two seconds into her song he turned to Pattycakes and myself and declared his undying love. She nailed that song, she made sweet, sweet love to it, she took KC out for dinner and did him up against the wall in the restaurant. Awe. Some. Top three, or someone must die.
Kate – the love child of Renee Geyer and Sting. Nice husky vocal chords. Kate lulled me into thinking she was just another Queen of Mugging and then she shazaam-ed me with her song. Just great, but she needs to stop bollocksing around with her hair and letting them turn her into too much of a girl if she’s that uncomfortable with it. Deserves to be Top Three, but with Tarni making it through last week there may not be enough room for her.
Michael – I’ll have my coffee to go, thanks. He has a ‘nice’ voice. A weird accent, but a ‘nice’ voice. He is a prime example of 'the judges should have realised at the Seymour Centre that he needs a year with a good vocal coach before he’s ready for this kind of thing'. Which is almost exactly what Mark then said to him. I hate it when he reads my mind. Back to the barista-ing sweetheart, sorry.
Catherine – Call of the night goes to my homies :
Fosse : She’s very tall.
Pattycakes : Statuesque, would you say?
(awesome pause for best comic affect)
Fosse : Horsy.
We almost didn’t hear her sing at all we were too busy laughing but you may have had to be there. She was pretty okay, touch of the nerves but she still did well. Another example of the girls being much MUCH better than the boys but poor song choice letting her down. Not that it isn’t a great song, I love it, but it wasn’t for her. I’ll be surprised if she makes it through over Kate.
Rocky – oy. The Callea-isms. They just keep coming, don’t they? He did them all, the Anthony Callea Patented Closed Eye Head Tilt, the twitchy Side Leg dance move, the BoyBand Hand Reach and the WORST of them all, the Microphone Fluting. Callea-isms galore. Am I being punished? He wasn’t great, I don’t care how cute he is, or how buff his arms are – he was NOT great. He and Ben are the two guys most likely to get through, but he is the one who doesn’t deserve to.

So that’s it. Top Three If Tallulah Had Her Way would be an all girl Top Three of Milly, Roxane and Kate. I woudn’t be surprised though if Ben pulls a Pete the Pig Farmer and edges Kate out.

And ‘tis lovely to see Marcia took my advice of last week and let someone else dress her, although that dress/shirt/tent thing she was wearing was still ugly, it didn’t make me want to gouge out my eyes and replace them with olives. And however much people loved Mark’s purple velvet jacket it didn’t go with his shirt or the self-satisfied aura he exuded as Laura crashed and burned. I still can’t really talk about Kyle too much. He’s making too much sense. When my therapist and I have worked it out, I’ll let you know.