The tux

He should wear a classic Armani tux always.
When he gets up in the morning, he should take off his night tux and put on the day tux.
When he swims, (because I hear that swimming is really good for your back) he should wear the tux.
When he goes grocery shopping (although, who are we kidding, right? But nonetheless, if he did his own grocery shopping) he should - say it with me . . . wear the tux.
When we meet for coffee in that charming little cafe near his Italian house where he arrives early and pre-orders me a skinny latte with a touch of caramel because he knows that's how I like it, he should wear the tux.
When he meets my parents, whom will love him because my mother always liked him on that ER show and because my father will just be happy I've made a decision on whether or not I'm a lesbian, he should wear the tux. (Even if he will be hideously overdressed because my dad is a shut-in and thinks a wifebeater and stubbies is appropriate for meeting potential son-in-laws.)
And on the day that he falls to his knees and asks me to marry him (thereby causing him to have to pay scads of money to Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts who have bets with him that he'll get married again, breaking the hearts of women and gay - and straight - men everywhere) he MUST WEAR THE TUX.
Always.

Enjoy.

Please please please

I refuse to get excited or worked up about the Oscars. I quite desperately want George to win but I will NOT get my hopes up (Paul Giamatti, I am trying not to hate you, its not your fault you didn't get nominated last year for Sideways when you should have and I think you know that if you win today that you're winning for that film and not Cinderella Man, so we are cool. Its the Academy I'll be pissed at.)

Basically most of the Big Awards are two horse races with Fairly Clear Favourites :

Best Supporting Actress - this is really between Rachel Weisz and Michelle Williams but Weisz has won everything except the Bafta where she was inexplicably nominated for Best Actress instead of Supporting and lost to Reese Witherspoon. Expect her to come away with this as well.

Best Supporting Actor - oh, it hurts. He's nominated for three - THREE - Oscars and this is the one he should have been the shoe in for, but the race between George Clooney and Paul Giamatti is ridiculously close, too close for me to call without potentially breaking my heart. (And yes, we see you there in the corner in your tux, Jake Gyllenhaal and we think you were WONDERFUL in Brokeback Mountain but darling you're not in the race. But kisses!! And I will see Jarhead, I promise!)

Best Actress - Felicity Huffman versus Reese Witherspoon. This is a tricky one. The smart punter would say Reese has already made space on top of the tv at home for a certain gold, sexually ambigious statue but don't be surprised if Felicity's dusted off the top of her bookshelf as well. They've shared enough of the other awards for this to be Annette Bening/Hillary Swank 1999 redux. I haven't seen either film so can't comment on who deserves it more, but I think Felicity is an amazing actress and Reese is just kind of coming into her own and will have plenty of time to win another one. I would like this to go to Felicity but its too close to call.

Best Actor - there is a possibility that Heath Ledger will take this away from Phillip Seymour Hoffman, but only in the same way that there is a possibility that I was on that grassy knoll and shot JFK. Also? Apparently Phillip made a bet with some friends (including Capote writer Dan Futterman) when they were young and this kind of thing was just a dream, that the first one of them to win an Academy Award would bark their acceptance speech. That? Would be awesome.

Best Director - Not really going to be anyone else but Ang Lee. If George wins this (which would be fantastic but highly unlikely) I will buy a hat just so I can eat it.

Best Film - Based on other film awards (Directors Guild, SAGs, Critics Association, Golden Globes, Bafta's etc) this is between Crash and Brokeback Mountain. Now I loved the shit out of Brokeback, I haven't been that moved by a film in a long time, I mean I saw it twice in four days the week it opened, I really really liked it and I've also seen Good Night and Good Luck which is also about as perfect a film as you can get, but due to my *ahem* alleged adoration of the director and co-star of GN&GL, my housemates Fosse and PGiddy have disallowed any and all opinions I might hold about that film. They think I'm too biased. Ridiculous. Regardless, as FUCKING BRILLIANT as GN&GL may or may not be (it is, I promise, it IS) Best Film will be Crash or Brokeback. My money is still on Brokeback, although there is talk of a backlash against the film which could see Crash win. Which would make me unhappy. Very unhappy.

So, thems the biggies. Tis a strange year - there are some wins that seem obvious but the Academy has been known to do some bizarre things. How else can you explain that Forrest Gump won best film the same year that Pulp Fiction, Quiz Show and The Shawshank Redemption were nominated, except that quite obviously the cocaine in Hollywood was especially badly cut with generic brand baby powder that year?? Who knows what the coke is cut with this year.

We can but wait and see . . .

(and avoid the internet and the radio and news broadcasts until 8.30 tonight when the telecast starts on Ch9)