Because The Powers That Be have decreed that three nights of Idol in the one week is barely enough*, we were subjected to not only the usual Sunday night car crash known as Motown but also the Up Close and Personal performances on Friday. UC&P nights are that ‘rare’ opportunity for the Idols to sing without being judged. But seeing that if they do make it in this industry they’re going to judged by every person they ever meet for the rest of their miserable mediocre RSL concert / local shopping mall appearance / supporting act for Shannon Noll singing ‘careers’, I think UC&P should be judged at least a little. Right?
*for ‘barely enough’ please feel free to substitute any of the following :
a) more Lee/DanS/DreadyDan? Oh my god, he is totally awesome and I wish I could watch him every night and he would be my boyfriend and that would make that bitch Suzie/Amber/Sasha/Tiffany at school sooooo jealous and she would totally want to sit with me at lunch and be my friend so she could steal him but I would be all ‘I don’t think so beeyotch, he’s MINE’.
b) an extra show at this point is fine now that Milly and FIHJ are gone and the level of mediocrity has lowered slightly plus they get to choose their own song which gives me more of an idea of what kind of music they’re into when they’re not pigeonholed by truly awful genres.
c) are you shitting me? An extra show? Dude, why? I think I get who these people are already and quite frankly I’d rather eat a live tarantula than get Up Close and Personal with any of them. Especially the guy with the dreads, I mean who knows what might be lurking in that hair. *shudder*
d) where is Charmed? Who are these morons? Is that Idol crap still on? GOD.
Anne:
UC&P : Dangerously in Love – Beyonce
I love you Anne, but this was so boring I fastforwarded through the last half of it. For all I know the rest was just freaking awesome but I somehow doubt it. Too much of the vocal gymnastics we all love to hate is making it very very difficult for me to continue defending you. I still think you have a better voice than your prayer buddy Shouty McSkankalot but when it comes to song choice, Emily is KILLING you.
Motown : If I Were Your Woman - Gladys Knight And the Pips
Register. Too low. Dance moves. Too stilted. Song choice. Too BORING. Anne! Sweet mother of all that is good, please please PLEASE start choosing better songs. You sang it reasonably well, but the lower register was a wee bit crackly and your eyes are starting to get this frantic scary glazed over look that I fear might be the result of the Touchdown-free environment you live in. Stop trying to please Holden, he is an ass. Stop singing all over the place and try the damn tune. Stop with the crazy eyes. Do not stop letting your mum come to the Sunday shows. She is awesome and I want to see her go head to head with Holden or Kyle . . . that would just about make my year.
The Anointed One:
UC&P : How Come You Don’t Call Me - Alicia Keys
I feel dirty. I don’t know why or how but Emily made me like her. This was a really strong performance, she ripped the vocals apart beautifully, she played with and up to the band and she looked like she was enjoying herself. Part of my problem with Emily the Cold is that every performance feels like an act, like she is putting on a show of what she thinks people want to see so that she will win. Which some might say is smart, but to me it just comes across as fake. But this? Was great. Why can’t you do that all the time EtC? I would be moved to consider burning a copy of that kind of CD . . .
Motown : River Deep, Mountain High - Tina Turner
. . . buuuut not this one. Gah. Oooh, look, it’s the artist formally known as Cosima. Sing sing sing, dance, wave to the crowd, dance, sing sing glory note sing annnnnnd finish wait for rapturous applause look humble accept touchdown like you had no idea that was going to happen oh my god I am so gracious and undeserving stick pin in fleshy part of leg and turn on waterworks. Ick.
DreadyDan:
UC&P : Rooster – Alice in Chains
Snooooooooooooore
Motown : Reach Out - The Four Tops
Snooooooooooooore
DreadyDan does nothing new – again. He looks bored – again. He doesn’t know how to interact with the tv cameras so spends both songs looking anywhere but at them – again. I take back all the comparisons with the CourtJester who – say what you will about his ego (which I never really saw as a problem, I loved that he stood up for himself and wish he would hurry up and release a CD) – was actually consistently fantastic, picked brilliant songs and seemed to actively listen to the judges (when they were being constructive – not you Marcia. Or you Holden. God I miss Dicko.) DreadyDan? Having a good voice? Not enough. Please get on Ebay and buy a personality and a smile that doesn’t look forced.
DeadtomeLee:
UC&P : Plush – Stone Temple Pilots
You rat faced little bastard. Don’t you DARE make me like you again. This is one of my favourite Stone Temple Pilots songs and if this is the kind of music you’re into than maybe you’re not so bad . . . *flashes back to Greenday fiasco* . . . no. I don’t care how well you sing this (and FYI, its not too bad), you are a one trick pony. One trick!
Motown : Ben - Michael Jackson
Hah!! See! One trick. Your new name is OneTrickPonyLee. Ouch. This doesn’t sound so great. In fact, its really quite bad. Lets ignore for the moment that Ben is NOT a motown song, not by any stretch of the imagination, and lets focus on the fact that when MJ sang this song he was a kid. He didn’t have a ‘falsetto’ as such, his voice was ALL falsetto. You can’t hit that note. Or that one. Gaaaaaaah, make the bad man stop singing mummy . . .
DanS:
UC&P : A Song for You – Don Hathaway
Hold on to your skirts ladies because Dan Spillane has FINALLY entered the building. That was just lovely. You can sing to me post coitally ANY day of the week.
Motown : Shaky Ground - The Temptations
You still can’t do a falsetto but man, why have you been hiding your light under that bushel? Bad bushel, bad bad bad. For the first time I think you actually deserve to be here. You’re singing well, you’re hardly shaking with barely suppressed fear at all anymore and you look like you’re enjoying yourself. You don’t deserve to go tonight based on these two performances at all. Good work, that man.
TeamKate :
UC&P : Ironic – Alanis Morissette
I really liked what TeamKate did with this song. She fiddled nicely with the melody and ‘put her own stamp’ on it. I do kind of wish she’d picked one of Alanis’ better songs but out of all the Idols she was the only one to pick something that probably 95% of the audience will recognise, which surely works in her favour. I just want her to mix it up a little bit more.
Motown : I Wish - Stevie Wonder
I only caught the tail end of this on my first viewing so initially my only reaction was to scream at the tv screen as Asshat Kyle waxed long and lyrical about the FUCKING TAN LINES under Kate’s arms. Yes, read that again. The TAN LINES. If it was not already screamingly obvious that this man knows as much about the music industry as I do about the breeding habits of the mongoose, then it REALLY is now. You see, I know the mongoose exists, I know that there have been mongeese in the past and can posit the theory that there will be mongeese in the future, therefore the mongoose must possess breeding habits. But I don’t know what or how they work, so I don’t pretend to be an expert on the subject and appear on Australian Mongoose and give my opinion to the previously perfectly happy and healthy mongeese who worked their little mongeesey butts off to get to the Final Six ONLY to be told they’ll never make it in the industry because although they killed that snake perfectly, they don’t have the sartorial elegance to pull off walking the red carpet as they have stubby tails and the fur on their heads doesn’t match the fur on their hind legs as pleasingly as it could. Ass.
Upon second viewing I concurred with the opinions of most. She rocked. I love her and wish her all the best as the Person Who Comes Second In Australian Idol And Somehow Does Better Than The Winner.
Bottom Three : DanS, DreadyDan and either Kate or Anne.
Safe as Houses : Emily and Lee
But in a moment of either pure clarity or perfect insanity, I picked OneTrickPonyLee to go . . .
