You still get no dessert.

Right. Australia you may come out of your room as we are off to a good start, well done, your bedroom looks nice and clean and Moppet Ben McKenzie is first announced through. He is adorably pleased. He shuffles off (adorably) to the other current Top 12 Alumnus and is engGULFed in a group hug – he’s so tall that his head sticks (adorably) out the top and he (adorably) smiles. (He also breathes adorably and his heart rate is quite cute too.)

But ohhhhh nooooo, you are SO still grounded and also no tv for you for a week and ALL your phone privileges are suspended because did we not just have a talk about this? Did we not JUST discuss the putting through of weaker performers over stronger? Marty Simpson? Really? Are you testing me, young country?? Are you? Because I will TURN this season around and we will go back to 2006 when Irish was king AND I WAS HAPPY. And if you REALLY push me? Back to Season Three we shall go and you can suffer through Emily The Cold and DeadtomeOnetrickponyLee again and DON’T think I won’t do that.

Bah. Wildcard, Jack. Wildcard, Mark. Or shit will be rained down upon you all.

Sarah Grimly Determined Third Times A Charm Lloyde is taking a HUGE chance on what is one of the biggest, hardest songs to sing, ‘And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going’ – the song that won Jennifer Hudson an Oscar and which can really only be truly performed by four people; Jennifer Holliday, who sang this number as the original Effie from the Broadway Cast of Dreamgirls; JHud herself; Bianca Ryan, eleven year old wunderkind who rocked it amazingly on America’s Got Talent Season One; and Jake Gyllenhenhall that time on Saturday Night Live when he donned a wig and dress and belted it in his opening monologue. Sarah gives this version a Sarah McLachlan sliiiiide up into the note thing for the first part and then she gets growly and emotional and PUMPS it into the ceiling. In the sparse time they’re given to perform, she manages to infuse her performance with the desperation and neediness of the lyric and at the very end when she is BEGGING you, telling you that yes, you, YOU, you’re GOING to love me, she borrows last season’s Eyebrows of Determination and Grit from Ricky Muscat and clenches her jaw triumphantly when she nails the last note. Yowzah. Great performance, BIG song and memorable - which is necessary at this point – but the big question is does the Aust public think we need another belter in the comp when we already have Tarasai?

Mark worries about why she did that song given her age, because as a vocal exercise and to show her skill and control it was great, but he tells her she’s too young to sing that particular song – and I’m the first to leap to the defence of songs sung by too young Idols, LANA – but I totally got the emotional range from her on this one, Mark. Dicko backs me up and reminds us that Sarah has tried numerous times to get as far as she has and he was thinking of the hell of a journey she’s been on and if that’s the song she wants for her coming out party, grammy winning, Oscar winning, goosebump inducing song then that’s what she should sing and she DID give him goosebumps. Marcia also has the bumplies on her arm and talks about little Bianca Ryan and how she – an eleven year old – sings the bejesus out of that number and she thinks that Sarah absolutely pushed herself and did it. Kyle questions if she’s ever had her heart broken, trampled, been dumped etc and of course she has, so he thinks its fine. It was a tough decision and he thinks she’s ready and if she continues to make great song choice she’ll do well. Sarah promises to give Mark goosebumps next time and I know where we can get some dry ice for that, Sarah.

Morgan Who? Hosking has performed the entire back catalogue of George songs at her auditions, so instead she’s giving us Alanis Morissette’s ‘You Learn’ and this is SO not the song to be doing at this point, especially when you’ve already been edited out of the competition, Morgan. Her package shows she has a lovely higher vocal range and she’s going with the flat, nasally tones of Alanis? Sigh. There is a tremulous quality to her voice when she starts singing, that are obviously the product of nerves. There is some serious fear in her eyes and she doesn’t rock this remotely. She needed to give a performance that absolutely solidified who she was in people’s minds because we don’t know who she is at all and this is just not it.

Dicko tells us he’s been her biggest supporter and needed her to deliver big time – he says her perf was okay, but not ‘it’. He wanted her to be this year’s rock chick and he felt like Alanis wasn’t modern enough – I don’t know about that Dicko, Jagged Little Pill is a classic album of a pissed off chick. That shit is timeless. Marcia agrees with me (ugh) that Alanis still speaks to young women but that she heard Morgan’s nerves, her breathing was raggy and obvious. Kyle tells her she nearly got to where he wanted her to go but that it was disappointing. Mark sits in his idiotic silence for a moment thinking how best to knock Dicko’s favourite girl, before he theatrically groans and spits at her that she was all over the place, karaoke and the worst performance of the week. Ass. Morgan and G dance a little tension breaking jig as G sings ‘happy happy joy joy’. Morgan does not rush across the stage and spike her stiletto into Mark’s jugular. Wish fulfilment, it never works . . .

Seriously funky Holly Weinert is tackling Faith No More’s rendition of ‘Easy’ and she has me hook, line and sinker by the middle of the second line. She has such a cool, husky guttural tone to her lower notes, it slides deliciously down my spine. This is a very fun arrangement too – I can just hear it playing over the closing credits of the latest Drew Barrymore/Adam Sandler rom-com. Love it.

Marcia tells her that was great song choice and she remained herself. Kyle cops to previously finding her plain and boring but says she was on fire with that song and asks her if she’s been dipped in a bath recently – to be fair, she has done something FABULOUS with her hair since we saw her last. Mark lauds her arrangement and says she brought in the 21st Century Woman version of that song – and that’s TOTALLY the title of Drew’s movie and the song’s playing over the trailer now as well. Dicko tells her that was something really different that she did with that song and then proceeds to tell us how Lionel Ritchie wrote that song at 3.07pm on a warm lazy day in September at this tiny little café, just before he ordered a soy latte with a hint of cinnamon and just after he saw a cloud that reminded him of the colour green . . . we get it, Dicko. You know more about music and it's roots then the idiot they replaced you with who still sits down the other end of the panel and I LOVE you for it, I do, but you’re starting to get that teeniest tiniest bit . . . annoying about the whole thing. Just tell her she’s great – she is – and that you loved it – he did.

Mystery Meat contestant Madison Pritchett is officially our youngest contestant AND she has a pony! Yay! She’s singing Avril Lavigne’s ‘When You’re Gone’. Boo! She hits the occasional flat note and has no real sense of stagemanship and lacks experience, which shows as she wanders all over the place a little aimlessly. Her voice isn’t bad but it is a little reedy and thin around the upper register and this is all just a bit blah. Like Morgan before her, she needed to nail this bastard to the wall and get our attention but she hasn’t done that and I suspect most people will forget her within five minutes of her walking offstage.

Kyle opens with how great she looks but he was waiting for something more, he’s officially over ballads – huzzah! Me too! Unless Moppet is doing them, you know I feel that may be the secret to everything I hate, get Ben to sing it and I’ll miraculously love it – ooh, lets try this. Ben? Sing some Pussycat Dolls in the Top Twelve as a test. Mark thinks she’s a total sweetheart, and that her low tones are strong but says once she got into the higher range that she wasn’t hitting the notes solidly – he tells her she’s close but not quite ready yet – gee, a sixteen year old? Not ready yet? Do tell! Maybe . . . just maybe . . . you should think about bringing the age limit up to eighteen – anyone? Yes? Dicko says she lights up the room but his bugbear is mine, the freaking entry age on this show. He acknowledges it must be frustrating that they set the limit that sixteen year olds can enter but that they would have to market her almost as a child prodigy – hey, it worked for Nikki Webster. And in two years she can pose for Zoo Weekly. Marcia signs the papers giving ownership of Madison over to Australia, saying it's up to us to decide and you know what, it’s not that easy Marcia, there are procedures, there are forms to fill out and meetings with counsellors before we can take her off your hands. Has she had all her shots? Can we get a certificate that she’s roadworthy?

Brianna Carpenter owns a hell of a lot of crazy vintage dresses and tinkles a mean set of ivories. However, I feel she owns too many sets of coloured tights and I am putting my foot down regarding them. The foot! Is down! I love Regina Spektor’s song ‘Fidelity’ and that ‘ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahhhhahahahah’ thing? Is fucking hard to do and sound GOOD at the same time, my friend. Brianna sounds good. The playacting she does with the audience and the facial expressions are just a wee bit over the top for me (and I’ve seen amateur productions of The Mikado) and when she sings about the voices in her head, I fear I believe her. But her vocals are pretty spot on and I do so love the very funky ‘break’ she has in her voice.

The voices in Mark’s head liked her too – except for the really angry one, that one still wants to just kill (KILL!) someone, preferably the guy sitting to his left. The personality currently inhabiting Mark hopes that she took Australia along with her on her musical, delicious, quirky, kooky, perky ride (and I’ve said this before but kook is the best tasting word in your mouth – take a moment now and say it out loud – kook). Dicko thinks she brought the fun and the joy but that she needs to be careful, if she brings The Crazy every single week, she’ll lose the mainstream Idol audience completely. Marcia who hated Chanel with every fibre of her being and Chanel was NEVER as overtly quirky as Brianna is, says she loves that theatrical side and how do you do that song straight, you can’t and I scream at her until I pass out in a blinding rage because I still haven’t forgiven her for hating on Chanel so much. Brianna notes she tried to do it straight in rehearsal and people just shook their head, pursed their lips and said “no, you need to bring the nutty and wear that Queen of Hearts dress and if you also endorsed the chopping off of Holden’s head, well, all the better really.” The BEST bit is when Kyle calls her Beetlejuice and says it’s great but that he just doesn’t get that kind of ‘thing’ and she makes THOUSANDS of people happy by saying she wouldn’t expect him to get it and although she doesn’t quite mean it in the “burn” Michael Kelso sense, it is still mindshatteringly awesome. G tells her it’s sometimes nice when an artist can go to places where they can’t and then Mathieson dryly notes that that was worthy of the price of admission, just seeing Kyle lost for words. Then they both make sure they have enough money on their phones so they can vote a few hundred times each for her.

Rosie Posey Ribbons wants to see if she can be the first performer this semi final season who performs last and doesn’t get in. So she’s singing REMs ‘Everybody ouch the pain the pain this song just goes on and on but at least the clip was cool and so was this song until Party of Five ruined if for me and I just hated Bailey so much it Hurts’ and she’s singing the Charlotte Church version or something because its even slower then it normally bloody is. She also has Diva Hand, where the hand not holding the microphone is held up in a Stop traffic pose and she’s head bobbing at the microphone like she’s about to give it a blow job. And she’s Trilling for Britain. Sing the fucking note on the page as it is written, GOD.

Dicko is confused. What kind of artist does she want to be? Rosie’s really into K T Tunstall right now (and for the love of god, then why didn’t she do ‘Suddenly I See The Devil Wears Prada With Ugly Betty’ or ‘Black Horse, Cherry Tree’?) because she’s moved towards contemporary as she’s gotten older and boyoboy was that EVER the wrong word to use. Dicko pounces on her age because she’s only 24 but it can be argued that she looks . . . slightly older. And she really needs to start thinking about what kind of artist SonyBMG can flog her as and we already have an old Diva and actually, it's her turn to speak. Marcia says she’s going to be as honest as she can, which usually means she hates your guts, stand back Rosie – and oooooh, it turns out Marcia is recording a new coaster and she’s done that song. Ouch. Mother Marcia doesn’t like to share . . . she says she liked it but that the licks were ridiculously too much, back away from the licks, and get to the meaning of the song – and I guess we take from that that Mother Marcia’s version of this song will melt your eyelids, you’ll cry so much feeling her emotion. So it’s not a disco version? Disappointed. Kyle says she sung it well but that he just gets a big boring vibe from her and – always happy to help twist the knife that little bit further – she does look old. Mark’s eyes practically roll back in his head when he mentions the vocal gymnastics, there was also too much slow vibrato and on every line?! No. She gave it no real compassion and it was just professional karaoke. Rosie is gracious in the sweltering smack down of defeat and continues to be quite likeable and personable as she talks to the boys and you can see the interviewing experience from UK Idol has stuck, she’s very good and natural with them.

Well. I would imagine Sarah and either Holly or Brianna would go through – but seeing as someone I like and someone I’m bored by has gotten through on a weak performance every single effing night – that it will be Sarah and Rosie. Sadly, I don’t think Morgan or Madison will get in, nor do I expect them to be allocated one of the eight Wildcards. Those Wildcards should be Mark da Costa, Jack Byrnes, Daniel Misfud, Cheray Doughty, Sally van der Zwart, HotCarl Risely which leaves two places for Holly or Brianna if they don’t go through and maybe . . . I don’t know . . . Dave Andrews? I still want them to bring back Dewayne Everett-Smith.

You suck.

Tut tut.

Australia, dear foolish, misguided stupid Australia. You suck. No, really. You suck. I mean, I get it, I do – Lana is cute, she is in fact unbelievably pretty and don’t get me wrong, she can sing. This isn’t a Laura Gissara situation where a rather mediocre and at times painful singer has been put through to the Top 12 on a pity vote and we’ll be punished week after week as she caterwauls her way through the back catalogue of My Favourite Songs Which I Can Never Ever Listen To Again, Thanks. No. Lana has a good, if slightly unremarkable voice and if she can shake the whole Musical Theatre thing that she’s currently got going, then she might do well, but putting her through over Cheray? Or Sally? You suck, you totally and utterly suck and I’m not talking to you at the moment. Put Ben through tonight and we might be able to try and work this out. Maybe.

Softly spoken pocket rocket Tarasai is put through first and thanks everyone for voting for her - someone may have spoken to her about alienating the Idol watching portion of the audience who don’t want her own personal Jesus shoved down their own personal throats because she wisely leaves Him right out of it. G goes to read out the next name and Mathieson already looks ticked off about what’s coming and even Lana is surprised she got through. She is lovely and gracious to the other girls because she obviously legitimately thought one of them would go through and I can’t dislike her for this, I don’t blame her, I blame YOU. (Well, maybe not YOU you, but the You out there who voted for her . . . oh, you know what I mean.) Let’s just get to the boys, quickly please so I don’t have to look at poor Cheray and Sally anymore – see you at Wildcard girls.

Husky voiced Mark da Costa is tackling Led Zeppelin’s ‘Whole Lotta Love’. He’s left the ubiquitous leather jacket in the car but wisely has neglected to shave for two straight days, giving him that stubbly rocker look that I am a stupid sucker for – if he was wearing a little eye makeup and nail polish, I would be on the floor lying in my own puddle of drool. Fosse calls him “fucking hot” except for the Baby Mullet which has disappointed us both and taken a little of the shine off him – seriously, let's reintroduce conscription so Youths of Today can get decent haircuts and YES, I am also looking at YOU Matt Corby, Marty Simpson and Jack Byrnes. He sings really well and he has a stupendous voice and he growls the FUCK out of this number, but this performance really needs a massive lighter waving, head banging, stoned out of their gourds crowd of deadheads to really make it work. It’s still pretty damn awesome and as rock as I’ve ever seen this show – Chris Murphy’s ‘Evie’ aside.

Marcia reminds us that the Led are her vintage and she can see he enjoyed it and she hopes Australia did. Marcia, Australia just voted Lana in, Australia is currently in a time out and can NOT come out until it apologises and votes in Kevin Rudd, okay? Kyle calls him the real deal but feels like he saw some reserve and caution, inviting everyone on the panel and sitting at home on their couches to immediately jump down his throat and label him a cretinous moron. Mark lauds his brilliant phrasing, his tones and timing but then backhands him by calling it a classic reproduction. Dicko who probably went to high school with Robert Plant and carried his books for him, tells us how The Plant did that song in one take (impressive) and that quite frankly, you don’t fuck with the classics. He then makes love to John Foreman and the band and quite correctly too, because they ROCKED that song, muchly. He also points out to the other contestants that THAT is how you play a gig without a guitar. Mark is chuffed by the judge’s lapdance of ecstacy they’re giving him and Mathieson calls it a cracking start. Can’t get any better, you'd think? You'd be wrong. I was . . .

Before he comes out and sings, I lament once more to Fosse how very very young and wrong for this competition I think adorable little moppet Ben McKenzie is. Awwww, he’s wearing epaulets and wouldn’t look out of place on the cover of Sgt Peppers – he actually reminds Fosse and I of our old housemate PGiddy. I’m guessing that one of his favourite films is Donnie Darko because he’s doing the Gary Jewel version of ‘Mad World’ and I don’t know about that Benny boy, that’s kind of a one note song and if you don’t hit the emotion right it isn’t going to work and see, this is just not the competition for you. Ben doesn’t give a flying fuck about my condescending opinion and deposits a big ol’ heaping of Humble Pie for TallulahBelle to eat by transfixing me. His performance is just about flawless, the rearrangement has given him the opportunity to soar, he gets the emotion just right and I adore him. I throw the words haunting and evocative at Fosse and realise I haven’t blinked since he started singing. Ben? I bow down before you and crown you King

Kyle tells him it’s the first time he’s really cared about him during this whole thing, song choice was perfect and he really believed it. Mark, never one to give when he also has the chance to take away, opens by telling the brilliant young performer we just saw, that he’s a pimply faced little nerd and I seethe. He follows up with deadset star and calls his tones and low end sublime, with his high ends so very clean and pure and compliments a voice as good as Ben’s as being gold for recording and I slightly forgive the nerd comment. Dicko is intrigued by Ben and loved how he took such a different attitude to the song then any other version. Marcia makes it all about her by saying that “us singers, we’re storytellers” but goes on to compliment his light and shade, calling his voice outstanding. Holy fuck. Little dude is awesome and he has leapt the tall building that is my opinion in single bound and landed smack dab in first place on my favourites list.

Jack Byrnes does nothing for me and - urgh - he’s singing a horribly earnest bloody song by a painfully earnest bloody band, U2’s ‘Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For’ and I haven’t learnt from the previous Lesson of Ben because I groan and only just resist the urge to fast forward through his performance and if I had, I would have missed the absolute brilliance that was Jack dancing like a cross between Elaine Benes and David Byrne from Talking Heads and the fantastic singing that he lays on us. He gospels the beginning and then SLAPS a gorgeous soul vibe on it and prances around the damn stage like he owns it, cheekily kicking his feet up and scrunching his coat and good GOD but he is singing this extremely well – I can not fault his vocals at all. And I’m confused because this is three GREAT performances in a row and I thought the first group of boys were meant to be the good ones? Every single one so far tonight has knocked it out of the motherfucking park. Mark, Ben and Jack should all be put through now, we shouldn’t even bother with the voting, just put them through now.

Mark loves his great big clean and soulful voice but thought the performance was too mannered, he sees it as a song about frustration and aggro, but Jack replies to him, it’s a song about joy and frankly yes, Jack is right and Mark is an idiot. Dicko chimes in with the Australia wide chorus of “Shut up, Mark” and calls it a classic case of right artist and right song. Marcia tells Jack that whatever boat it is that Mark missed, she was sitting right there paddling with Jack up the river. It was joyous and she loved the version. Kyle expects everyone to do their damndest at this point to get themselves through and Jack did absolutely that, it was great.

That is three TOUGH acts to follow. Poor Dave Andrews . . . who by the way has perfect Clara Bow lips and I just want to slap Rebel Red by Maybelline on them. He frustrates the hell out of me by picking John Farnham’s “Freedom” but bugger me if he doesn’t actually do a pretty good job. Although the arrangement is a little slow for my taste, it highlights the strengths of his voice and he only really falters at the falsetto.

The judges have been so spoilt for choice that they don’t recognise he actually did a good job. Dicko tells him it was tidy but tentative and when he’s following three powerhouse perfs he has to be better then that. Marcia tells him it was very safe, but that’s okay and she hopes he gets another chance to show Australia what he can do – Marcia, Australia has been banished to its room and may NOT leave until it is ready to accept that what it did was wrong. Kyle says it was a good performance but also somehow a dud? I don’t know, he makes no sense and I’ve stopped listening to him now. Mark agrees that it was a hard thing to follow the first three perfs and that it wasn’t enough. You know - if he’d done this Sunday night with the other guys group? He’d have been hoisted upon their shoulders and carried out of Fox Studio’s on pillows to the sounds of a cheering throng, because it was way better then anything we saw that night. He should be proud and the judges should not make him look like he wants to cry.

Lyall Adams and his dimples have made a dreadful mistake. They’re singing ‘Desperado’ by the Eagles. He loses me with his first tremulous line because this is too church-y. Really, only the Eagles and my friend Boonie can get away with doing this song outside of last call at the local karaoke bar and even then ‘Khe Sanh’ usually gets more votes. Lyall’s vocals let him down and I suspect, arrest, charge and imprison his nerves on some fairly damning evidence, he is breathy and blinking madly. That’s a shame, I thought he was going to rocket through this round . . .

Marcia also saw the nerves and comments she could hear his breathing and then – get this! – she ACTUALLY gives some critical advice! She tells him he needs to put his audience at ease and that he actually made her tense watching him and he needs to relax more. Kyle then gets gross about pants and soiling and I’m still not listening to him. Mark calls the Eagles songs deceptively simple but actually quite difficult to get right and that Lyall didn’t hit any of the emotion of the song and didn’t tell The Story. Dicko tells him to work within his limitations and use his personality to get the job done and that he can make it as a singer if he knows what those limitations are. Mathieson visibly resists the urge to wrap his arms around the poor lad.

Final singer for the boys is Marty Simpson who loves him some Dave Matthews – I totally see him sitting on the beach, stoned and eating cheezels, with his iPod on, listening to some Dave Matthews Band and singing about some ants. Tonight he’s doing The Fray's ‘Over My Head’ and I wish he’d chosen ‘How To Save A Life’ but I still like this song, it’s a good choice for him especially. I notice while he’s singing that he doesn’t know what to do with his spare hand and he has a classic I Usually Hold A Guitar When I Sing pose going on, he doesn’t look as uncomfortable as Lisa Mitchell used to but still, it looks neither natural or fun. He also sings kind of flatly and races ahead of the band a couple of times and I can’t tell if its deliberate or not. It seems to not be which does not bode well for him. Frankly, its not great.

Like me, Kyle initially thought this would be the perfect song choice for him but unlike me, Kyle thinks that he did a great job. Whatever Sandilands, you and I? We’re done. Mark tells him he has a high likeability factor and excellent tones when he sings but it all just felt too end of day, surfy, huddled ‘round a campfire – see he should have done some DMB. Marty has Dicko’s favourite voice in the whole competition – meh – and he actually listens to Marty’s audition CD’s – aww, cute – and jokes that he sits outside his house watching him come and go – heeeeeee. Dicko sternly tells His Favourite that he should have made more of the song. Mathieson and G are also heartily OVER Marcia and try to just move on to the closing credits, but Dicko foils their dastardly plan and she opines that they’re all making her feel like she isn’t there . . . we wish, Marcia. She tells him it was great song choice but you know you can do better and blah blah blah aren’t you glad she got to tell him that? I would have been bereft without her sage words of ‘advice’.

As the boys wrap things up, two things hit me; 1) I must watch Ben’s performance several more times and 2) Jack Byrnes TOTALLY reminds me of Bill Oddie from the Goodies. If he doesn’t kick it through tonight and has to be Wildcarded I am BEGGING him to do Funky Gibbon. But really the two tonight should be Ben McKenzie and either Jack Byrnes or Mark da Costa because honestly they all deserve to go through. Dave is the alternate and Lyall and Marty should only be allowed Wildcards. Seriously Australia, if you put Lyall or Marty through based on their performances I will END you. Take me seriously, I am short but I am FEISTY.

Final group of girls consist of two of my faves, Holly and Breanna, the spunky Sarah, rosycheeked Rosie, angelvoiced Morgan and Mystery Girl Madison.

Girls! Girls! Girls!

Oh yes, it’s Ladies night which is Marcia’s favourite night because she gets to let loose with music industry pearls of wisdom, such as ‘sister girlfriend’ and ‘you go girl’. It’s a little known fact but Mother Marcia is allowed to mentor and dress one Idol Girl and one Idol Boy each year and this year the girl she’s chosen is Tarasai. This explains the only slightly dead looking ‘thing’ Tarasai had looped over her shoulders and I must admit when I saw her wearing that at the start of the show, I got a whole Thunderdome vibe and was CONVINCED she was going to come out singing ‘We Don’t Need Another Hero’. And we all know Marcia is dressing Matt Corby as well, which is why he’s wearing another bloody silly tablecloth around his neck.

But let’s get on with it. Our hosts go straight to the Sensible Judge and ask Dicko what he thought of last night and he rightly tells the boys to collectively pull their vocal socks up. G doesn’t bother asking any of the other judges – because really, Daddy’s back and we don’t need to bother the others anymore – and leaps straight into telling Matt Corby that he’s through. Matt is the only person in Australia remotely surprised by this, and he is roundly applauded and hugged by all. He is joined by – huzzah! – Jacob Butler, who is suitably chuffed, although slightly lost for words. He rallies and offers to compensate those who voted for him and I just quietly may need to send him a bill.

First girly cab off the rank is Sally My Surname Is Too Ludicrously Long And TallulahBelle Just Made It Even Longer For The Sake Of A Not That Terribly Funny Joke van der Zwart and she’s – oooooh – she’s singing Kelly Clarkson’s ‘Never Again’. Tough, tough song. She does this really quite well, hitting all those big KC notes, whilst managing to inject a suitable amount of bitchiness into it, because it is a very catty hell hath no fury song. (Interesting song choice with Ms Jesse Curran also singing tonight . . . but we’ll get to that.) Sally’s stagecraft is a little unpolished but quite frankly, she’s already blown the boys from last night OUT of the water and on to the beach and they're lying there gasping for air and flapping their fins frantically. I may have taken that analogy too far, although Daniel Misfud's hair is 'wavy' - get it?! - and oooh, maybe the scarf is hiding gills . . . NOW, I've taken that analogy too far. So. Judges? Thoughts?

Kyle thinks she has star potential but just needs to work on her nerves and get a little polish. Marcia said she was just so calm and centred back stage, with her own invisible Kotex shield and well done girlfriend (you need to imagine that every time she says “girlfriend” I sigh so hard that it causes a tornado in Kansas). Dicko has an attitude about contestants covering Idol songs and makes a lovely remark about how they’re creating some weird mutant pop monster that’s beginning to devour its young and BY GOD we have missed you, sir. Never leave us again Dicko, never! Mark calls Dicko narrowminded and uses Missy Higgins as an example of how snobby the ‘real’ industry is about Idol (reportedly there are signs up at the auditions reminding contestants that Missy has forbidden Idol to use her music because she has conveniently forgotten that she won a music contest on JJJ). He asks Dicko to just tell her she sang a crap song (which, true, it ain’t a great song) but that she did it really well (also true).

The fabulous Natalie Gauci is up next and my heart will break if she isn’t ace – we’ve seen how well this chick arranges so please god, let her not do a carbon copy of Xtina’s song ‘Hurt’, make it yours Natalie . . . oh. Sigh. That tinkling noise you hear is the remnants of my shattered heart falling to the floor because she is . . . not . . . great, it’s actually kind of shrieky and paradoxically also not powerful enough. I wish she’d arranged it differently, I feel like this really could have worked for her but it didn’t.

Marcia goes straight to song choice, how Xtina is one of the finest singers in pop today (I would argue, finest pop sing ever) and tells her she “cut that” – now initially, I thought this was Marcia’s GhettoTalk for 'bad' but it turns out, she thought it was great and I would recommend upping the dosage, Marcia. Dicko tells Natalie that just because you think you can, doesn’t always mean you should, and that she went suburban – agreed, she shouldn’t be trying to be That Girl, we have enough That Girl’s, we want That Other Girl, thanks. Mark calls it a monster song and says he didn’t know she had that kind of control and that her tones, shades and falsetto were all superb – is my tv broken, is that why I thought she tanked and they loved it? Kyle backs me up by telling her that it was a pretty good job but that everytime she went around the corner, she clipped the gutter, that it wasn’t very smooth and then gives sartorial advice about not wearing satin pants on high def. Good point, that.

Cheray Doughty needs to pick me up from the disappointment of Natalie and Joss Stone’s ‘Tell Me About It’ is a DAMN fine start. Okay her dancing is slightly daggy but her vocals are GREAT. She bops around the stage, completely involving the audience there as well as at home and she sings the hell out of this number – yay!

Dicko asks wide eyed where she pulled that rabbit from, calling the performance cheeky and noting that she played with it but it didn’t become cheesy (and nobly resists the urge to firmly say “Husny” here). Mark has been worried that Cheray might be too Olivia Newton-John but says that, in actual fact, she’s a hot tomato. Cheray is wonderfully not in any way offended about the Olivia remark and even busts out a little ‘Let’s Get Physical’ – hah! Love her! Marcia smiles and says she’s liked Cheray from the beginning – so apparently, she wins that contest – and that she whispered to Kyle that she likes this chick because she doesn’t sound how she looks . . . and I’m pretty sure Cheray should be offended by that, but she laughs gamely and doesn’t sneer at Marcia’s wig, like I would. Kyle agrees that she’s great, she knows what she can do and she does it.

Tarasai Don’t Hate Me Because I’m A Jesus Loving Belter Vushe is next and please by all that is holy, don’t let her be singing Whitney . . . ooh, she’s doing ‘River Deep, Mountain High’, formerly known as the Song Owned By RickiLee and which is now, the Song Jointly Owned By RickiLee and Tarasai, because this is kind of awesome. She gospels the start and when she cr-ACKS into the big voice rock bit, she is seven different kinds of cool. Yes, she’s got the yell-y singing going on that I hate but she isn’t slapping me around the face with it, it’s not permeating every single note that she’s singing, she’s respecting the song and she’s just freaking nailing it. THIS is the kind of performance that GUARANTEE’S you a Top 12 slot.

Mark calls her the miniMarcia, a force of nature, loves her control and power but he keeps thinking Cosima and can she keep that level of performance without hurting her vocal cords? To be fair, didn’t Cosima herself say she sang with a sore throat which exacerbated the whole problem? Tarasai sagely nods that yes she can. She’s strangely confident whilst also this meek little thing at the same time – weird. Kyle tells her mum that she should be very proud of her powerhouse beautiful child, and tells her she’s great and she should continue to soar. Marcia is chuffed that Tarasai started at one and moved her up to eleven – so of course, Mark has to interrupt and disagree that she in fact started at eleven and went up to thirty three and shut up, Mark, god. Marcia advises Tarasai to just always ignore Holden – ahhhh, if only we could ALL do that, Marcia, if only. Dicko confesses that she fascinates him, the competition needs her and big notes win votes. He also says he likes her because she’s barking mad and once more, awesome call sir.

Okay. Jesse Curran. Yes, she is dating James Blundell. Yes, reportedly he left his wife and kids for her, but you know whose business this is? NO ONE BUT THEIRS. Let’s leave the muck racking and slander slinging outside of the Reality Tv Show about SINGING, shall we? Let’s concentrate on her bad BAD choice of song, U2’s ‘One’ which works only when Bono sings it with Mary J Blige and even then, I’m kind of over it. She sings this well, but like Junior the night before, it’s waaaaay too pretty, too soprano-high-standing-in-front-of-the-boys-choir-on-the-stage-live-on-KerriAnne. It’s midday music. She gives it more of a country feel towards the end and I wish she’d arranged the whole song this way.

Kyle wanted to be blown away by Jesse (oh, I wish, here’s a shotgun with which to make that happen) but it was a little too Julie (Andrews, as in the hills are aliiiiiiiive) for him. Marcia calls it a polite performance and alludes to what’s going on in her personal life and shut it Marcia. Mark and Dicko point out that her foot is currently protruding from her mouth and Marcia calls them the Kings of Innuendo. Actually Marcia, they weren’t hinting, they were flat out telling you you’re an idiot for bringing it up. Kyle tells Mark to shut the fuck up and let Marcia talk her turn and stop stealing other people’s time and sometime Kyle, you are the Voice of Reason. Hear hear. Dicko says he knows she’s had a tough week and refers back to the history of the song and this is why I love him, he loves the background details, the minutiae of music and where it comes from – hence his horror Season Two when no one but Chanel and Courtney knew the Beatles. He didn’t like the rewriting of the song – Jesse says it’s the Johnny Cash version and now the country bit makes sense. Mark loved the fresh feel of the arrangement but is disappointed to hear it isn’t hers and he felt the lament and pain of the song suited her. But he comments that she never really hit the pitch, she slid up to the notes and kind of missed them, never really hitting the bullseye. She takes it all well and is lovely and bubbly – don’t hold the bullshit gossip mongering against her, just the lacklustre performance . . .

Lana Musical Theatre Krost loves Jewel and has over imitated the trademark Jewel quaver and fuck me, she’s singing Fergie’s ‘Big Girls Don’t Cry’. Sweet baby jeebus – oy. I can’t listen to this song on the radio because of the line ‘I’m going to miss you like a child misses its blanket’ because – the fuck? What the fuck kind of lyrics are those? What eight year old wrote those? Those are some seriously AWFUL lyrics and that line ruins the ENTIRE song for me, I have to sing la la la la everytime she gets to that bit and I often just change the station instead of bothering. This is NOT the right kind of song for someone Lana’s age to be singing either, its about a really fucked up chick who needs to be on her own because she has some issue pertaining to her childhood or something. You don’t GET that at 17, hell you’ve barely given UP your blankie at 17. Stupid choice, stooooopid. And she doesn’t get it at all, she meanders across the stage with stiff Musical Theatre arm and hand waving in a hideous white puffy dress thing, she puts zero passion in the song and it is pure elevator music. She sings every note correctly, but like Daniel Misfud the night before, it is b-l-a-n-d.

Marcia tells her she looks like a picture – a picture of what exactly Marcia? One of those dolls you put over your toilet paper? – and then says she picked a perfect song for her age group – WHAT? I believe this is the earliest in any season of Idol where Marcia has officially lost the right to speak to contestants anymore. Dicko loves me more than Marcia and tells her it was a bad choice and whilst he is desperate for the other contestants to learn, he wants her to Unlearn as her default position is too mannered. Ad nauseam repeat, but I FUCKING love him. She is too High School Musical. Mark tells her that she is a very pretty little girl with a very pretty little voice. That is ALL that he says. He is patronisingly dismissive. Ass. Kyle has seen her sing better than that and that song needs to be sung sexier (and by an older woman.) Marcia asks her to rough herself up and Dicko tells her to smack Kyle in the face. Australians countrywide stand up and applaud.

James and G – who have not been NEARLY as witty as they were the previous night, sigh – once again ignore all the other judges to ask Dicko’s Final Thoughts. He tells them it’s a world of difference making it to the Top 12 then it is making it to Top 24 and then drops the bombshell that SonyBMG have insisted that only one contestant – the winner, obviously – will be getting a contract this year. I scoff loudly and doubt that very much, but just in case, I give dibs to my current favourites; Jacob, Sarah, Sally, Breanna, Mark, little Ben or Cheray.

Tuesday is Mark, Lyall, Dave, Ben, Jack and Marty. I can only see Mark and Lyall going through from that group – adorable though Ben may be . . . and my money’s on Tarasai and Cheray to go through from the girls. Maybe Sally. Let’s see, shall we?

It's like we're dating or something.

Brilliant! Top 24! Semi’s! Actual singing! Huzzah! It’s enough to make me giddy with anticipation and excitement because this is going to rock, right? They’ve overloaded the first male semi final with arguably the six most talented of the boys so this is going to be The Shit, yeah? Awesome!

That was me at the start of the night. Now, I am not a naïve or youthful idealist, no. I have a Bachelor of Arts, I am a woman used to disappointment, I'm single, I live with more than one cat, I know the pang of missed opportunites and hollow crushing failure. But I have never felt so betrayed – and by six guys all at the same time? It’s a new low Idol, a new low. And things, started out so very well because can I say, Andrew G in high definition is just so very pretty. And Mathieson’s trousers? Quite pleasantly tight around the crotch-el region – I am NOT a perv, Fosse noticed as well. Mark launches into the FANTASTIC news that Irish has made Idol history as the first one to have consecutive Number One albums on the Aria charts. I scream hysterically and immediately apologise to Abel who has taken to hiding in his bedroom when Idol is on. I also can’t find either of the cats. I’m not THAT loud, guys.

We quickly move on to our first SemiFinalist of the night, young Matt Corby who is keeping alive the tradition of someone singing Stevie Wonder in the SFs, by giving us ‘I Wish’, a pop tribute to being completely skint but okay with that. Frankly, I think Matt would have to stand on stage and vomit blood to the tune of Pop Goes The Weasel, to do any harm whatsoever to his actual chances of getting through. That being said as the first singer up, he ain’t exactly ringing my bell. Nor is he knocking on my door or tapping on my window, hell, he isn’t even walking down my driveway. He’s stopped at the end of my street staring at the sun, looking confused and eventually giving up and pulling a Joey from Friends and standing in the map so he can work out which way is North. Someone may have to give him a compass. That would explain why he’s stolen Yasser Arafat’s scarf, he thinks he’s in the desert – or has Marcia lent him a pashmina from the Mother Marcia Collection? He’s a little weak and flat in places and doesn’t have a great performing ‘vibe’ about him. Is it Singing First Up nerves? They can be killer. But there’s no blood or vomit and the crowd goes nuts, so he’s golden.

Mark liked his phrasing, pitch, falsetto (which I thought was lousy) but chides him on song choice and "knowing your lyric". Dicko stomps his feet and sulks about having to be seated next to Holden who will be stealing ideas from his brain all night, forcing him to look like he’s constantly agreeing with a man who can’t finish a Join The Dots drawing of a balloon. Marcia doesn’t know what either of them are talking about because she loves the young boys who sing Stevie whilst wearing tablecloths jauntily swung around their necks. Kyle takes up Mark and Dicko’s side, telling him he needs to live the lyrics more and that it looked like a dress rehearsal.

Unknown quantity Junior To’o is appealing to my massive hard on for anyone who slams George fucking Bush, by singing Pink’s ‘Dear Mr President’. But he immediately loses all points for song choice by RnBing the HELL out of it. He takes all the angry punch out of the song, singing it prettily. Prettily, Junior? Why must you hurt me so? This is a highly politicised pissed off song – have you seen Pink sing it? She has major jacked off face, furrowed angry brow and mean sneering lip going on and just because we aren’t American doesn’t mean we don’t get the anger – I personally have been pissed at Dubbya since he stole the election from President Gore, but don’t get me started – that’s a long angry rant I’ve done before. But Junior, where is the message? Where is the point of this song?

Dicko opens with a choice joke about young boys and bush that no one in the audience gets so he quickly moves on to pointing out the spite and defiance that Pink infuses this particular song with and seriously, the first few times I heard this song I couldn’t get through it without tearing up a little bit. (Shut up.) Marcia didn’t mind the lack of political stance and thought he put his own stamp on it and Kyle doesn’t give a flying fuck about political leanings in songs and I just hate that. Mark (who I remember SLAMMING DeadtomeOnetrickponyLee for not caring about the politics of Greenday’s ‘Holiday’) doesn’t care about the politics of this song and thinks he did make it his own. Bah. He also comments that it’s nice to have an RnB singer not oversinging and overlicking – which I heartily agree with and which gives Mathieson the opportunity to comment that “we’re glad you stayed away from overlicking”. Hah! Honestly, can we get James nominated for a Nobel prize or something? At the least, can we get him knighted? Get the boy an OBE, stat.

Sidebar : how much am I looking forward to Californication? Lots.

HotCarl Risely – huzzah! If they keep showing him playing the trumpet, he has my vote for life. Ohhhh, ouch. He has wisely chosen some more Michael Buble, but has sadly chosen his least jazzy song, ‘Home’. But happily, he suits it quite well, his tones are sweet. His nervousness shows in eyelash fluttering and a little microphone flute playing – but he quickly recovers his ground and grows more confident as the song goes on. He does have some weakness around some of the higher notes and this performance probably leans more toward vocal mimicry than pure singing but its my favourite so far. His voice has the same honeyed quality as Buble and Buble is VERY popular in this country, even if Carl could really use some more training – his voice is sweet, but I don’t know if its Idol. Also, in surprising news, he is hot (and I noticed last night, he has a bit of David Boreanaz from Buffy and Angel in him, especially around the eyes and eyebrows).

Marcia thinks he did it justice, fine singer, good intonation – even with the nerves. Kyle tells him he’s a beautiful looking man (amen) but that he was at about 70% and wants him to go hard. There is some mock flirting between the two and I like you Carl, but if you make me think about Kyle and sex ever again, we are through. I don’t like to think of Sandilands procreating one day, thanks very much. Mark thought the phrasing was a little bit imitative (get OUT of my head Holden, it freaks me out when you do that) but that he got a bit thin around the hook. Dicko says its not exactly man overboard, but neither is it a 21 gun salute, why set yourself up as the Swing Guy and then do the most RnB song that Buble does? (I am okay with Dicko being in my head). Song choice = Here’s where I stand as an artist. Dicko calls Idol viewers ‘musical tourists’ who need to know straight up who you are.

Daniel Misfud either has some horrific pox scarring on his neck that he’s covering up or he has a symbiotic relationship with the polycotton blend used by Australian scarfmakers. He is doing Diesel’s ‘Tip of my Tongue’ and I pre-emptively dislike it. His hair is coiffed. My first thought is that this would be better if he was playing the guitar himself. As it is, its kind of boring and a little . . .greasy. He just looks so damned pleased with himself. He sings it fine, but I’m finding him cheesy. Fosse thinks he may just be a really nice guy. I hate his song choice, I hate his stupid scarf and I am bored by him. B-l-a-n-d. Snore.

Mark calls him another strong contender who has underwhelmed by being too safe. Dicko grits his teeth and agrees again, saying Idol needs big moments (Casey singing ‘Here’s Where I Stand’, Chanel’s ‘Glory Box’, Callea’s ‘Prayer’ all nod and agree) but that this was pedestrian. Marcia thinks he did well and looked like he was enjoying himself and that he doesn’t have to give eleven every week, at which point Mark argues that he should give his all EVERY week (and is completely right, shut up Marcia). Kyle thinks Dicko and Mark may have confused him and Daniel attempts to defend his perf which leads to Kyle berating him for being dull. I wonder if maybe Daniel has been paying too much attention to the press who think he and Matt will get through and are on good odds to win the whole shebang and decided to just be safe this week.

Hold on to your makeup bags ladies, Husny Thalib is in the house and he’s wearing your best pantyhouse and stolen your eyeliner. He may just currently be my favourite Idol, I almost don’t care if he can sing or not, I just need his outlandish dress sense and the accoutrements that come with him. G says he’s wearing a cassingle of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch around his neck. Okay, we need a knighthood for G as well. Husny is singing Lenny Kravitz’s ‘If You Can’t Say No’. I don’t know this song at all but I suspect that doesn’t matter because I’m transfixed by his dancing and when he crotch thrusts in time with the music about halfway through, I lose my shit giggling gleefully. Dude is entertaining but he’s relying on too many tricks – the dancing is detracting from some weak vocals and really shit song choice. Oh, the judges are going to crucify him.

Kyle hated it and calls it lame, try hard, rubbish and camp. Mark loved most of it, loved the arrangement (which is apparently really different to the original and if so, then bravo – he’s the only one who arranged his song), calls him a trip and says he finds him strangely attractive. Dicko calls him an intriguing character but calls him out on poor song choice – yes! – because most viewers aren’t going to know that song and it’s not like he took a Portishead song and freaking rocked the performance giving the audience absolutely no choice but to put him through -right, Chanel? Marcia tells him not to underestimate the viewers and starts another argument with Mark about giving only drips and drabs to start with. Mark takes the opinion that that is no good if he’s not here next week and has wasted his only opportunity.

Jacob Hit Him Baby,One More Time Butler is singing Snow Patrol’s ‘Chasing Cars’. His package shows him singing ‘Across The Universe’ again and I bark at the screen “no, bad Jacob, bad”. He overenunciates as he sings but this is a smart song choice – didn’t EVERYONE love this song? He’s got crazy nervous blinking going and I did not expect that from someone with such performance experience. He sings it quite well, he has the best voice of the night, I think, even if he does seem to be buckling under the pressure slightly.

Dicko talks about how Jacob’s background in reality shows relates to the song because of his dogged (get it? because dogs chase cars – HAH!) pursuit of The Career Through Reality Television, and then tells him his disbelief in his own ability to make it, is showing. He’s right, because if you’d tried as many times and as long as Jacob has tried, it becomes tougher to know you can do something the longer you try. You’re always starting over – my credit card payment scheme is EXACTLY the same. Marcia loves his song choice, Kyle tells him how much they already like him from the ‘other places’ they’ve seen him and by god, they are VERY careful not to say either ‘X’ or ‘Factor’, but that he needs to clear his mind, and Mark talks about the difficulty of doing that particular song due to the saturation by FM radio stations of anything vaguely connected with Grey’s Anatomy and the fact that it starts in a particular place and kind of stays there, there isn’t a real big build or dramatic moment. Still, I like the song, it evokes an emotion with me and I loved how he ended it so abruptly, it suited the song.

So. A mixed, rather disappointing bag, really. Only HotCarl and the antics of Husny made that episode memorable. There was no real standout, from a singing point of view, of course Husny stood out for everyone but that happens when you go to a Klu Klux Klan meeting dressed as the cast of the Cosby Show, or visit your local children’s centre wearing an evil clown costume dripping in blood (although technically you don't need the blood, as all clowns are evil). People remember you and not always for the right reasons. Probably just based on the fact that Matt and Daniel are very popular with the girly vote, it will probably be them through tonight, but based on performance, I would like to see HotCarl and Jacob make it through – however if they don’t, I have no concerns that they won’t both be Wildcarded.

Don’t underestimate the fey vote though, don’t be taken too far aback if Husny surprises the living hell out of all of us and crotch thrusts his way into the Top 12.

Girls tonight – Natalie, Sally, Tarasai, Cheray, Lana and Jesse - and I suspect they will quietly kick boy bottom . . .