It's like we're dating or something.

Brilliant! Top 24! Semi’s! Actual singing! Huzzah! It’s enough to make me giddy with anticipation and excitement because this is going to rock, right? They’ve overloaded the first male semi final with arguably the six most talented of the boys so this is going to be The Shit, yeah? Awesome!

That was me at the start of the night. Now, I am not a naïve or youthful idealist, no. I have a Bachelor of Arts, I am a woman used to disappointment, I'm single, I live with more than one cat, I know the pang of missed opportunites and hollow crushing failure. But I have never felt so betrayed – and by six guys all at the same time? It’s a new low Idol, a new low. And things, started out so very well because can I say, Andrew G in high definition is just so very pretty. And Mathieson’s trousers? Quite pleasantly tight around the crotch-el region – I am NOT a perv, Fosse noticed as well. Mark launches into the FANTASTIC news that Irish has made Idol history as the first one to have consecutive Number One albums on the Aria charts. I scream hysterically and immediately apologise to Abel who has taken to hiding in his bedroom when Idol is on. I also can’t find either of the cats. I’m not THAT loud, guys.

We quickly move on to our first SemiFinalist of the night, young Matt Corby who is keeping alive the tradition of someone singing Stevie Wonder in the SFs, by giving us ‘I Wish’, a pop tribute to being completely skint but okay with that. Frankly, I think Matt would have to stand on stage and vomit blood to the tune of Pop Goes The Weasel, to do any harm whatsoever to his actual chances of getting through. That being said as the first singer up, he ain’t exactly ringing my bell. Nor is he knocking on my door or tapping on my window, hell, he isn’t even walking down my driveway. He’s stopped at the end of my street staring at the sun, looking confused and eventually giving up and pulling a Joey from Friends and standing in the map so he can work out which way is North. Someone may have to give him a compass. That would explain why he’s stolen Yasser Arafat’s scarf, he thinks he’s in the desert – or has Marcia lent him a pashmina from the Mother Marcia Collection? He’s a little weak and flat in places and doesn’t have a great performing ‘vibe’ about him. Is it Singing First Up nerves? They can be killer. But there’s no blood or vomit and the crowd goes nuts, so he’s golden.

Mark liked his phrasing, pitch, falsetto (which I thought was lousy) but chides him on song choice and "knowing your lyric". Dicko stomps his feet and sulks about having to be seated next to Holden who will be stealing ideas from his brain all night, forcing him to look like he’s constantly agreeing with a man who can’t finish a Join The Dots drawing of a balloon. Marcia doesn’t know what either of them are talking about because she loves the young boys who sing Stevie whilst wearing tablecloths jauntily swung around their necks. Kyle takes up Mark and Dicko’s side, telling him he needs to live the lyrics more and that it looked like a dress rehearsal.

Unknown quantity Junior To’o is appealing to my massive hard on for anyone who slams George fucking Bush, by singing Pink’s ‘Dear Mr President’. But he immediately loses all points for song choice by RnBing the HELL out of it. He takes all the angry punch out of the song, singing it prettily. Prettily, Junior? Why must you hurt me so? This is a highly politicised pissed off song – have you seen Pink sing it? She has major jacked off face, furrowed angry brow and mean sneering lip going on and just because we aren’t American doesn’t mean we don’t get the anger – I personally have been pissed at Dubbya since he stole the election from President Gore, but don’t get me started – that’s a long angry rant I’ve done before. But Junior, where is the message? Where is the point of this song?

Dicko opens with a choice joke about young boys and bush that no one in the audience gets so he quickly moves on to pointing out the spite and defiance that Pink infuses this particular song with and seriously, the first few times I heard this song I couldn’t get through it without tearing up a little bit. (Shut up.) Marcia didn’t mind the lack of political stance and thought he put his own stamp on it and Kyle doesn’t give a flying fuck about political leanings in songs and I just hate that. Mark (who I remember SLAMMING DeadtomeOnetrickponyLee for not caring about the politics of Greenday’s ‘Holiday’) doesn’t care about the politics of this song and thinks he did make it his own. Bah. He also comments that it’s nice to have an RnB singer not oversinging and overlicking – which I heartily agree with and which gives Mathieson the opportunity to comment that “we’re glad you stayed away from overlicking”. Hah! Honestly, can we get James nominated for a Nobel prize or something? At the least, can we get him knighted? Get the boy an OBE, stat.

Sidebar : how much am I looking forward to Californication? Lots.

HotCarl Risely – huzzah! If they keep showing him playing the trumpet, he has my vote for life. Ohhhh, ouch. He has wisely chosen some more Michael Buble, but has sadly chosen his least jazzy song, ‘Home’. But happily, he suits it quite well, his tones are sweet. His nervousness shows in eyelash fluttering and a little microphone flute playing – but he quickly recovers his ground and grows more confident as the song goes on. He does have some weakness around some of the higher notes and this performance probably leans more toward vocal mimicry than pure singing but its my favourite so far. His voice has the same honeyed quality as Buble and Buble is VERY popular in this country, even if Carl could really use some more training – his voice is sweet, but I don’t know if its Idol. Also, in surprising news, he is hot (and I noticed last night, he has a bit of David Boreanaz from Buffy and Angel in him, especially around the eyes and eyebrows).

Marcia thinks he did it justice, fine singer, good intonation – even with the nerves. Kyle tells him he’s a beautiful looking man (amen) but that he was at about 70% and wants him to go hard. There is some mock flirting between the two and I like you Carl, but if you make me think about Kyle and sex ever again, we are through. I don’t like to think of Sandilands procreating one day, thanks very much. Mark thought the phrasing was a little bit imitative (get OUT of my head Holden, it freaks me out when you do that) but that he got a bit thin around the hook. Dicko says its not exactly man overboard, but neither is it a 21 gun salute, why set yourself up as the Swing Guy and then do the most RnB song that Buble does? (I am okay with Dicko being in my head). Song choice = Here’s where I stand as an artist. Dicko calls Idol viewers ‘musical tourists’ who need to know straight up who you are.

Daniel Misfud either has some horrific pox scarring on his neck that he’s covering up or he has a symbiotic relationship with the polycotton blend used by Australian scarfmakers. He is doing Diesel’s ‘Tip of my Tongue’ and I pre-emptively dislike it. His hair is coiffed. My first thought is that this would be better if he was playing the guitar himself. As it is, its kind of boring and a little . . .greasy. He just looks so damned pleased with himself. He sings it fine, but I’m finding him cheesy. Fosse thinks he may just be a really nice guy. I hate his song choice, I hate his stupid scarf and I am bored by him. B-l-a-n-d. Snore.

Mark calls him another strong contender who has underwhelmed by being too safe. Dicko grits his teeth and agrees again, saying Idol needs big moments (Casey singing ‘Here’s Where I Stand’, Chanel’s ‘Glory Box’, Callea’s ‘Prayer’ all nod and agree) but that this was pedestrian. Marcia thinks he did well and looked like he was enjoying himself and that he doesn’t have to give eleven every week, at which point Mark argues that he should give his all EVERY week (and is completely right, shut up Marcia). Kyle thinks Dicko and Mark may have confused him and Daniel attempts to defend his perf which leads to Kyle berating him for being dull. I wonder if maybe Daniel has been paying too much attention to the press who think he and Matt will get through and are on good odds to win the whole shebang and decided to just be safe this week.

Hold on to your makeup bags ladies, Husny Thalib is in the house and he’s wearing your best pantyhouse and stolen your eyeliner. He may just currently be my favourite Idol, I almost don’t care if he can sing or not, I just need his outlandish dress sense and the accoutrements that come with him. G says he’s wearing a cassingle of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch around his neck. Okay, we need a knighthood for G as well. Husny is singing Lenny Kravitz’s ‘If You Can’t Say No’. I don’t know this song at all but I suspect that doesn’t matter because I’m transfixed by his dancing and when he crotch thrusts in time with the music about halfway through, I lose my shit giggling gleefully. Dude is entertaining but he’s relying on too many tricks – the dancing is detracting from some weak vocals and really shit song choice. Oh, the judges are going to crucify him.

Kyle hated it and calls it lame, try hard, rubbish and camp. Mark loved most of it, loved the arrangement (which is apparently really different to the original and if so, then bravo – he’s the only one who arranged his song), calls him a trip and says he finds him strangely attractive. Dicko calls him an intriguing character but calls him out on poor song choice – yes! – because most viewers aren’t going to know that song and it’s not like he took a Portishead song and freaking rocked the performance giving the audience absolutely no choice but to put him through -right, Chanel? Marcia tells him not to underestimate the viewers and starts another argument with Mark about giving only drips and drabs to start with. Mark takes the opinion that that is no good if he’s not here next week and has wasted his only opportunity.

Jacob Hit Him Baby,One More Time Butler is singing Snow Patrol’s ‘Chasing Cars’. His package shows him singing ‘Across The Universe’ again and I bark at the screen “no, bad Jacob, bad”. He overenunciates as he sings but this is a smart song choice – didn’t EVERYONE love this song? He’s got crazy nervous blinking going and I did not expect that from someone with such performance experience. He sings it quite well, he has the best voice of the night, I think, even if he does seem to be buckling under the pressure slightly.

Dicko talks about how Jacob’s background in reality shows relates to the song because of his dogged (get it? because dogs chase cars – HAH!) pursuit of The Career Through Reality Television, and then tells him his disbelief in his own ability to make it, is showing. He’s right, because if you’d tried as many times and as long as Jacob has tried, it becomes tougher to know you can do something the longer you try. You’re always starting over – my credit card payment scheme is EXACTLY the same. Marcia loves his song choice, Kyle tells him how much they already like him from the ‘other places’ they’ve seen him and by god, they are VERY careful not to say either ‘X’ or ‘Factor’, but that he needs to clear his mind, and Mark talks about the difficulty of doing that particular song due to the saturation by FM radio stations of anything vaguely connected with Grey’s Anatomy and the fact that it starts in a particular place and kind of stays there, there isn’t a real big build or dramatic moment. Still, I like the song, it evokes an emotion with me and I loved how he ended it so abruptly, it suited the song.

So. A mixed, rather disappointing bag, really. Only HotCarl and the antics of Husny made that episode memorable. There was no real standout, from a singing point of view, of course Husny stood out for everyone but that happens when you go to a Klu Klux Klan meeting dressed as the cast of the Cosby Show, or visit your local children’s centre wearing an evil clown costume dripping in blood (although technically you don't need the blood, as all clowns are evil). People remember you and not always for the right reasons. Probably just based on the fact that Matt and Daniel are very popular with the girly vote, it will probably be them through tonight, but based on performance, I would like to see HotCarl and Jacob make it through – however if they don’t, I have no concerns that they won’t both be Wildcarded.

Don’t underestimate the fey vote though, don’t be taken too far aback if Husny surprises the living hell out of all of us and crotch thrusts his way into the Top 12.

Girls tonight – Natalie, Sally, Tarasai, Cheray, Lana and Jesse - and I suspect they will quietly kick boy bottom . . .