Helter Skelter.

Third semi final, third skinny tie on Mathieson and aww, look the boys miss each other SO much that they’ve dressed in similar and complementing shades of charcoal. Whatserface is not involved in this first bit which is good. Tonight I’ll be suggesting people who I thought might have made a better choice as co-hosts every time she appears. Let’s have some fun with it, shall we? But first up, joining Chrislyn and The Messiah in the Top 12 are Amanda and Brooke!! Yayayayayayay. Oh, FINE. It’s neither of those people. Instead it’s Babyface Tom first and let’s pause a little and talk about that shall we? BAD AUSTRALIA. Bad. He is the youngest young person who every younged. He’s not a baby, he’s a foetus, he still has gestating to do. So that’s one big rap across the nose with a rolled up newspaper for the teens and tweens who voted for Tom the infant. Baaaaaad. (Also, Nomes has dubbed him Dimples. I like it, lets go with that, Dimples he is.) And you, people who voted for Thanh? Yeah, you. As punishment Justin Timberlake will not be allowed back into the country to tour for at least the next three years. So you go off and you THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.

G tries to buck up the leftover contestants reminding them Wildcard is a’coming and hey! That chick who won last year was a Wildcard and look at how well she’s done with her multiple number one hits, her great CD of originals and ooh look over there at that pretty shiny thing and quickly on with the show before anyone starts asking questions. Like, where exactly have you hidden The Gauc’s body? And how does she fit in there with PoorPoorCasey and TeamKate already taking up room and stinking up the joint? Really, how long before a corpse gets really stinky. Someone who watches CSI? In the comments please, thanks.

The boys throw to whatserface and don’t you think Pol Pot would have made an AWESOME co-host? I know he’s been dead for ten years and was a genocidal madman but I bet he could master a teleprompter quicker!

First cab off the rank (still funny) is Matt Parsons and Thirsty Merc’s ‘Summertime’ and yes sir, you do have appropriately ridiculous enough facial hair to pull off one of their songs. He’s a bit cheesy but his voice is excellent. He covers the range nicely (if a bit iffyish on some of the lower notes) but he looks a little lost without a band behind him or a guitar and a digeridoo in front of him. It’s still pretty good and a NICE start.

Dicko thinks he’s very dependable as a performer but now they need to refine and that his smiling, pleasing demeanour will only get him so far in rock. Dicko then tells him he looks like an Amish lad who has found an iPod and turned his back on barn building. Oh Dicko, you give me at least one brilliant line an episode, bless you. Marcia thinks he has a fine voice. She does warn him about pitchiness but thinks that was because he didn't have his guitar. And what about the didgeridoo, Brown Sugar? What did that cause? Kyle has no doubt he has a fine voice but thinks he looks like he's polished himself up to meet his girlfriend's parents for the first time and he needs to just be him, scraggly and bearded. Until the week when Kyle tells him he needs to put on a decent freaking shirt and comb his damn hair because he's on television for crying out loud. Matt saunters off to finish rumspringa.

James introduces Sophie Paterson who tonight will be serenading us with her rejigged version of The Rolling Stones classic 'Satisfaction' and she starts off sitting by the side of the stage which I'm not overly fond of but she wails the lyrics to this song like she's performing the closer at Lilith Fair and MAN, is it cool. It's one of the most interesting arrangements of any song on this show ever (and I'm including the horrible things Bobby did to 'Werewolves of London' and the awesome things Bobby did to 'Under The Milky Way Tonight'). Love. It.

Marcia tells her not to worry because she's sure there are PLENTY of people who'd like to satisfy her - testify, Brown Sugar!! She loves the brave arranging, telling her she tore it up and that it was smoky and great. Kyle loves everything, the sitting, the wailing and says there are a lot of artists doing that style of presentation (I think he means intepretation, the numbskull). Dicko calls her a surprise package and says she so hot she's probably doubled Australian Idol's carbon footprint this year (he's two for two, kids!). He calls it the standout performance of the series this year - wow, better than the whole thirteen performances that came before it? Slow down, Dicko. Sophie doesn't understand how G operates, she holds her mike in the hand nearest him and how is he meant to hold your hand and caress it like a frightened kitten if you don't help a little, Sophie??

G throws to whatserface and don't you think the Matt Damon puppet from Team America:World Police would have made an AWESOME co-host? He would have introduced everyone as "Maattt Damonnnn" but I hear he has a great attitude and that his upside down pineapple cake is just to die for. Plus he doesn't need a huge dressing room, just a box with air holes cut in it.

Third singer is Teale Jakubenko and his awe inspiring jaw line and cute little bum chin. My brother has the same dimple in the middle of his chin and he's passed it on to my nephew. Cutiepie's, every one. He's singing 'Running' by Evermore. He pretties it up a little too much, perfectly enunciating every word but lets go when he gets to the chorus. He also lets slightly go of his pitch. It's still not too bad and his last long note is delightful.

Kyle calls him a beautiful man - and really, Kyle needs someone to have a crush on now that HotCarl has moved on. He felt Teale was going to trip over at any point and warns him to keep an eye on the nerves, but loved him loved him loved him. Dicko says he did trip over twice and that Teale knows he did - pitchy bits, man, Dicko and I are SO on the same wavelength tonight! He worries that his back catalogue is too soft rock and he needs to sex symbol it up. Marcia tells him he ticks all the boxes and he's comfortable and when he goes for the big notes, he's "there' and then she "chachacha"s at him. Then G makes an erection joke that goes over Teale's head but Dicko gets it and he and G smiley flirt at each other a bit. Then Mathieson stomps over and pulls Dicko's jacket over his shirt and he and G start a screaming domestic as we go to a commercial. Oh, you two. Now, kiss and make up.

Sidebar: please don't watch Kenny's World. I'm begging you.

Country singing hottie Brooke Schubert plays weekly pub gigs at the Black Nugget and Mathieson takes that one and rides it for about five minutes and whatserface can't banter like this at all. Fired. She's country popping Linda Ronstadt's 'When Will I Be Loved' and damn, but this is fun! She's got a great country pop voice and you can tell she's used to performing because the audience ain't fazing her one little bit. She's smiling with them, she's cheeky, she's busting out some dance moves and she's singing her heart out. Wow, this is a good night.

Dicko thinks she is in the top three performers they have in the Top 24. He gives her a word of caution that she needs to send a clear message of where she stands musically, flipping between country and soft rock may confuse the Australian public. Dude, I have two words for you: Shania Twain. This country bought 1.5 million copies of 'Come On Over' and I know that was in the 90's but still. The crossover can be done. Just don't ask Brooke to sing 'Man, I Feel Like A Woman' and I'll be happy. Marcia has a quick shout out for Brooke from someone named Te'ann (?) and is Marcia Facebook now? Can I friend The Messiah and all the Brookes please? I want to play Scrabulous with them. (There are three Brooke's in the Top 24.) Marcia tells her she needs to think of her notes and how clear they need to be and also well done darling. Kyle agrees with both his fellow judges that she's doing everything she should be but he doesn't care. He tells her he won't lose sleep over it but that she should, and she needs to change people's minds. G isn't having a bar of it and tells Kyle he ain't helping but you know what is? Brooke knows how G works and she's got her mike in her left hand, leaving her right wide open and predictably the adorable G has taken it.

G throws to whatserface and don’t you think Vladimir Putin would have made an AWESOME co-host? Granted, I think he only speaks Russian and he would have to fly in and out all the time so he could still, you know, be the Prime Minister and all and he's still kind of got that whole Georgia thing going on but he owns several guns and he knows how to use them and now that Dimples is in the Top 12, he's going to need a bodyguard, someone who isn't afraid to pop a cap in someone else's ass. Also, maybe as a thank you, Dimples could sing 'I Will Always Love You' from The Bodyguard soundtrack in a future episode and dedicate it to Vlad. Wouldn't that be cool?

Mark Spano and his awesome freaking rock voice, have officially blown my mind. He's singing the BRILLIANT 'Come, Said The Boy' by Mondo Rock and I have ALWAYS wanted someone to do this song on Idol and do it well. And does he do it well? Can I get a 'hell' and a 'yeah'? It's beautifully crooned and just about the perfect song for him, perfectly sung. I get the impression it isn't the first time he's ever done it but when the band quietens and the camera swoops in on him as he arcs his neck back and pulls a half jesus pose; It. Is. Dead. Sexy. He is so not my type and he makes me feel a little dirty . . . I like it . . no, I love it. Yay for being confused!

Marcia congratulates him on singing "one of the finest songs written in Australia, that's just one of the baddest songs I know, yeah?" and WHO TOLD? Who told Marcia that she said too many songs were her favourite last year? Someone must have told her because she is fighting DAMN hard not to say it here. Damn damn hard. She looks like she might be pinching herself under the judge's table to keep from saying it. She loves the light and shade in his voice and tells him the nodules were a blessing because he got two years off . . . to work in construction. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but what? Kyle tells him he had this cougar purring (he means Marcia) and she laughingly agrees that she loves that song. And yeah, it is a sexy song. Kyle calls it perfection. Dicko thinks the group tonight is brilliant and is the group of death and you need to be good to stand out and Mark was exceptional. Dicko has a crush too and purrs a little. G is impressed and mentally notes to ask Mark for some pointers during the break.

The freaking adorable Roshani Priddis is giving everyone a little musical education tonight by singing the original version of 'Knock On Wood' by Eddie Floyd, but I don't think anyone's going to be rushing out to iTunes it. It's a little - look, Kyle says it perfectly, it's cafe music (he says cafe del mar), it's the kind of jazzy/blues version of a song that would fit right into an Italian bistro in Carlton. It's not horrid, not in any way shape or form. It's just ridiculously underwhelming, especially after the brilliance of Mark.

Kyle has his disappointed face on from the get go, he wanted it to be the disco version which he thinks would have rocked it out completely. Dicko disagrees and loved the version she did. He thinks she presents as really commercial and marketable but he says there were huge holes in her pitch, but he'll leave that to the Queen to talk about. Dicko, didn't you get the memo? We're calling Marcia 'Brown Sugar' this season. Get on board. Marcia asks if she's aware of the pitch issues during the song. Roshani says it's a combo of nerves and breathing and Marcia gives her a pass. Dicko jumps in to point out to all the contestants that pitch is a big issue with this show. I know if I had a dollar for every time I typed 'pitch' I'd be able to fly to Sydney where they film the show and fire whatserface myself. Roshani could NOT be cuter.

Mark to go through obviously and then I like either Brooke or Sophie because we're really guy heavy at the moment but I wouldn't be horrified if any of them got through. Although it should be Mark and anyone else.

The boys throw to whatserface and don’t you think Charles Manson would have made an AWESOME co-host? Yeah, he would have had to do his co-hosting duties from his jail cell in Corcoran State Prison but he's already completed all the possible inmate correspondence courses, graduated summa cum laude from Big Tina's Finishing School of Cellblock Three, painted excellent copies of all the Masters (including those tricky Surrealists - the tiger's in Dali's 'Dream Caused By The Flight Of A Bee Around A Pomegranate A Second Before Waking' were a nightmare) and made an entire two storey house out of wicker. He's bored now. Co-host would be a totally new and exciting experience for him. He promises not to have anyone killed.

TallulahBelle out.

Things Through History Which Have Caused Less Annoyance Than whatserface Coulter Sharing Hosting On Idol

Things Through History Which Have Caused Less Annoyance Than whatserface Coulter Sharing Hosting On Idol. Jack the Ripper.

Mathieson and G start the show together, quickly letting go of each other's hands as the music dies. Jimmy is wearing another skinny tie again. Are they back in as well? Skinny ties and jumpsuits, what IS the world coming to? At least this one is sparkle free. He reveals the first contestant through to the Top 12 and the first two people the director shows as Jimmy says the words 'as voted by you into the Top 12 of 2008' are Wes Carr and Chrislyn Hamilton (who are also coincidentally standing on either side of the boys). So it's no huge surprise when Chrislyn is first through. She doubles over in glee. G gets to say Wes Carr's name and as The Messiah throws his head back it register on me that he's not wearing a hat, silly or otherwise. G announces that the Idol hosting team is 33.3% more awesome because of whatserface and MAN, the boobies are OUT tonight.

Things Through History Which Have Caused Less Annoyance Than whatserface Coulter Sharing Hosting On Idol. The black plague.

First cab off the rank (and yeah, I'm going to do that as long as it amuses me that Coulter fucked it up) is the laconic lad, Luke Dickens singing Wilson Pickett's 'Mustang Sally'. Must I have this conversation every year? Songs from the movie The Commitments are out of bounds. There's one every freaking season. I actually don't mind his performance. It's less Andrew Strong (lead singer of the Commitments) and might actually be the first song he's sung as himself. He has a gravelly, raspy voice, it almost hurts to listen to but he is absolutely the first kind of . . . him . . . there's been on this show. I reluctantly want him to go through. Wow. I just don't know who I am anymore. Blame whatserface. His facial hair is still stupid and his tshirt says Smet. What the frilly heck does that even mean?

Dicko loves that if they'd put Luke in front of the head honchos of the record industry they'd have hidden beneath their desks and instead now the Australian public gets to decide and he thinks that and the performance were great. Marcia 'well wells' at him and then tells him it was 'dynamite'. Is dynamite the new 'favourite song'? She said it twice last night. Then she says it again! And that it was really gas. Has Marcia changed suppliers? What have they cut her shit with? Or is she just watching old episodes of 'Good Times' in the dressing room? Avoid the episode where James Evans Sr dies Marcia, your eyelashes will get stuck together and you won't be able to tell if your wig is on straight - which, by the way, have been excellent this season. Kyle thinks he has a great voice but wants to know how he's going to transcend from the shearers shed to Idol contestants - Kyle, he'll be fine, I'm positive Luke's been to a few RSLs in his time, he'll LOVE his national tour of them. Kyle completely randomly asks what's going on in Luke's life so we can completely randomly be told his partner is pregnant. Kyle brushes that off as being her job and Luke has done his part and I'd REALLY like to think that Kyle is kidding. (That's part of his persona, the brash arsehole. It's an act. Right? He can NOT be human.) It's Mathieson and his skinny tie who are out to chat with the contestants tonight. Whatserface is happily nowhere to be seen.

Things Through History Which Have Caused Less Annoyance Than whatserface Coulter Sharing Hosting On Idol. Jar Jar Binks.

Curly haired invalid Brooke Wilkie has a great individual voice and her blues solo performance from the Top 100 is fucking awesome. Man, I wish we'd seen more of that. It's such a shame her vocal cords have been shredded by laryngitis because otherwise Paolo Nutini's 'New Shoes' might have sounded just as good. It still sounds okay to start but it has no strength and she's struggling to get out any sound at all by halfway through and how she keeps from bursting into tears and falling to the ground, I just don't know. She's got some quirky moves as well and she keeps smiling and she just gets such major points for trying. The crowd knows she's sick and they go apeshit in support, to which she smiles sadly, but thankfully. I want to hug her. Can I hug her? Can someone please hug her? This is the only time EVER I actually want the pity vote to get someone through and I'm fucking due one . . .

Marcia calls it an incredibly brave effort and explains about her lost voice and tells her that regardless she needs to make sure she still gives a performance and . . . hell . . . I've been there. I once passed out backstage and had to be driven home by my director whilst his wife went on in my place script in hand and it's DEVASTATING. You feel like absolute shit and you've just let people down, there are few worse feelings and being sick multiplies everything. Kyle wants more info about the voice and don't make her talk, she's croaky as hell. Kyle refuses to judge her because she's better than the performance she gave and that he hopes people vote based on her prior perfs - which luckily we got to see tonight because she only got about twenty seconds screentime up to that point. Dicko ain't scared to judge her and prattles on about getting sick and having a sold out arena and how as an artist you've got to just deal with it. Bull. Shit. Christina Aguilera cancelled her last concert here because of a sore throat, Celine's cancelled, Kylie's cancelled (and I don't mean just because of the cancer, I'm not that mean or stupid), Mariah's cancelled, SINGERS CANCEL SHOWS ALL THE TIME and do you know why? Because that is their fucking instrument in the middle of their throat all covered in phlegm and virus' and potential nodule causing injuries because they forced themselves to sing. Dicko, remember Cosima. He does stress he wants her to connect more with the audience non verbally. Mathieson didn't get my text because he does not hug Brooke. Awwwww.

Things Through History Which Have Caused Less Annoyance Than whatserface Coulter Sharing Hosting On Idol. The entire cast of Full House.

Baby faced (seriously, they checked his birth certificate right?) Tom Williams is going where Daniel Belle dared to tread and is singing Josh Groban's 'You Raise Me Up' and sorry, but when you've seen and heard Daniel sing this live, there ain't any more room for any other version little boy. But hey, give it a try. He starts off well but he doesn't have even a portion of the vocal strength that Belle had. He gets a bit pitchy during the chorus. He has a nice church voice but it's just a dull performance. I at no point get the shivers. This is a shivers song.

Kyle loves him but calls it a little bit too girly for him. The crowd boos and oh jesus, Tom is going to be this year's Matt Corby. Loved by the fangirlies, unable to do any wrong, blessed with unworthy Touchdowns . . . oh, wait. Heeeeee. Tom has an ear and throat infection but Kyle doesn't care and namechecks the Veronica's 'Take Me On The Floor' and I HATE that song because of the 'I wanna kiss a girl, I wanna kiss a boy' bit but I would have applauded if he'd done that song and sung that particular bit. Then he calls the song a total Grandma song choice. Dicko knows the people love him and his popularity and cuteness will get him through but that he needs to improve his vocals and wants him to get through and go on based on his tonsils and not his dimples, or as I prefer to call it; Dean Geyer Syndrome. Marcia wants it be a bit of both - she loves the young boys - but tells him to watch his breathing. She comes dangerously close to calling it one of her favourite songs. Mathieson's eyes about pop out of his head when he questions the year young Tom was born.

Unlike last night, G and whatserface don't seem to be sharing the holding room . . . she's nowhere. This is a slight improvement but only if where she currently is, is in her car driving home after being fired.

Things Through History Which Have Caused Less Annoyance Than whatserface Coulter Sharing Hosting On Idol. The Crazy Frog ringtone.

Powerhouse Natalie Colavito breaks my heart. She sings 'Listen' from Dreamgirls. She sings it really really well, excellent technique blah blah but it's covered in trilling and there's so much vocal gymnastics going on she gets an 8.4 from the Russian judge. It's carbon copy Beyonce from the movie. Do we have room for three big female voices? We already have Chrislyn and it's pretty much a certainty that Madam will get through when she performs. I think I actually like Natalie's voice better but has she been hamstrung by performing after Chrislyn already went through?

Dicko doesn't want to talk about the vocal he wants to talk about the fact that she's a big girl and Natalie does this awesome thing that makes me pause the tape for a second. She puts her chin up and her nostrils flare and her eyes flash 'fucking BRING it' in his direction. They may even have gone a little devil red around the irises. He tells her to use it or lose it. Huh? He wants her to add a physicality to her performance like Chrislyn and be sexier and more comfortable. Marcia tells her she needs to stop oversinging and 'listen' to the note and come back to the melody. Yay for discouraging the trillympics! Kyle thinks she's pretty happy in herself and that she is working what she has and discourages her dressing from the whatserface House of Get Your Cans Out.

Things Through History Which Have Caused Less Annoyance Than whatserface Coulter Sharing Hosting On Idol. Channel Ten's new show Taken Out.

Rock chick Amanda Grafanakis takes on Pink's 'Who Knew'. It's a quite nice rock performance but this song? This song is HEARTBREAKINGLY sad. I - for real - couldn't hear it on the radio without crying a little the first few times I heard it. Taking the history of the song and putting it aside, she rocks the fuck out of it and busts some very nice vocals. Nice. Unexpected.

Marcia says she's always saying to contestants to take steps in a song and tells her she should start *fistpunch* right there. She mentions the Pink angst and tells her to cut to the chase. Can you start at *fistpunch* and still show angst? I don't know. Pink puts the angst in with that delightful crack she has in her voice and her sad sad puppydog eyes. The she releases a bitchy fucking number about her exhusband unfortunately a week before his baby brother is killed unexpectedly. Moving on. Every season Kyle shows he knows less about music than ANYONE. He says this is a song about being dumped. Maybe superficially it is Kyle, but really this song is about friendship. It's about friends who have overdosed and died. That last kiss, I'll cherish, until we meet again. That lyric KILLS me. The friend is dead. It's about LOSS, you pillock, GOD. Dicko tells her to be careful and shouldn't develop a princess attitude and needs to deliver pop rock with individual style (or Gwen Stefani's, whatever). Mathieson doesn't think she's a princess either and says she can't do the frou frou thing. And then she and Mathieson go 'pop' at each other like they are each others fairy godmother! Make whatserface disappear and I'll go to the ball in those recklessly dangerous glass slippers!!

Things Through History Which Have Caused Less Annoyance Than whatserface Coulter Sharing Hosting On Idol. The beautiful pearl earrings Vincent Van Gogh received the Christmas he lopped off the lobe of his left ear.

Final performance (or the pimp spot) is Thanh Bui and his rendition of U2's 'One'. This is the other U2 song I like, please don't boyband it. This is not a fast and crazy song but he's slowed it down even more. It's . . . you know what it is? It's total Altar Boyz. It's that musical about Take That that Shaneequa saw when she was in London that spelt out the lyrics to a song in the rain. He can sing, there is no question about that, but he's really - god, he's Callea. It's another freaking Callea. Save me. Save us all.

Marcia wants to know what he'd say if one of his students came out and sang like that and it's a trick question Thanh, she totally loved you, she loves that kind of boyband shit. He platitudes that 'you did the very best you could, go and listen back to the tape and see what you can learn from it'. Marcia verbatims it back to him. Ha! Brown Sugar is so sassy this season!! Kyle thinks he has an amazing voice and he's going to stand out no matter what. He finds it pleasureable to listen to him. The he's just gross about his jacket. Ew. Dicko initiates Operation Thrash The Boy Band Out Of Thanh Bui and that's just ace. I love it when he makes the jokes for me! He tells him it was still really boyband - he reminds him that Robbie and Justin who have come from boybands have made themselves individuals and stand out and that's what he needs to do. Thanh has the cutest smile. Goooood teeth, dude.

The boys do a little eye fucking with each other before throwing us back to the recap (and man, they could have showed the start of Brooke's song before she COMPLETELY lost her voice) and the best two performances appear to have been the rockers - Luke and Amanda. But pity vote for Brooke, pity vote!! Please . . . I put up with Laura Gissara for way too many weeks in Season Three. You OWE me one.

Things Through History Which Have Caused Less Annoyance Than whatserface Coulter Sharing Hosting On Idol. Cane toads.

TallulahBelle out.

So. Very. Tired.

Can I get a show of hands - who has Idol fatigue already?

*raises hand*

A whole week of auditions, the Top 100 and straight into the semi finals with only one scant twentyfour hour period with which to rest my weary fingers, bloodshot eyes and scoffing eyebrow? You guys, this shit is tough.

Dicko won the arm wrestle backstage (it came down to him and Brown Sugar - Kyle was out in the first round to Andrew G and whatserface Coulter snapped Mathieson's ulna in two places) to break the news to the semi finalists that the winner this year gets TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS to help them live the dream. $200k? That'll book, what, a week and a half of studio time and buy enough cocaine to line the stomach of eight hookers? Cool! Dude, Mathieson is wearing the ugliest skinny tie. It has sparkles. I blame whatserface Coulter. I'll be doing that a lot, I'll tell you that right now.

Coulter's dress makes her breasts look gigantic and she stuffs up her very first line getting 'first cab off the rank' wrong and FIRE HER, FIRE HER NOW. For the line, not the boobage. The boobage gives me material. See below.

First cab off the rank (see, it's not difficult, Boobs McGet'EmOut) is Chrislyn Hamilton who is singing a song that I think has featured on EVERY season of Idol - Tina Turner's 'Proud Mary' and we could have held a quick poll to see what people thought she would sing and I guarantee this would have been one of the top contenders. It's a little obvious, is what I'm saying. She better sing it well - no screeching, missy. She has a very sassy attitude and her voice is impeccable during the slow start. She even does a little Tina dancing (kind of) and except for the last note, which actually ends up being about fifteen notes, she is just superb. Rock on, big mama.

Kyle calls it a big, gigantic start. He still wants her to keep twisting the performance switch in her and thought the beginning was a little stilted. Don't know what he was watching. Marcia gives her props for being first cab off the rank (it's still easy, Titsy Lottabreast) and tells her the most important thing to find in her performance is consistency. I think the most important thing is making it to the stage and not getting distracted by G's new haircut. Dicko tells her there's a lot of good will for her 'out there' and although she's young, she lights up with an audience and picks great songs for her. G puts his hand on her shoulder and she bravely refrains from falling into a girly, giggling mess - which is TOTALLY what I would do. Bad hair and he's STILL dreamy.

Mitchell Steele's hat could be used to hold a bar mitzvah under, it's ENORMOUS yo. He's never been around stage lights before because you can't see his eyes at all, tilt the hat back, love. Show us your eyes. He's singing Tom Cochrane's 'Life Is A Highway'! I recently iTunes'ed this song because I hadn't heard it in AGES. He's rejigged it. Either that or he's slightly out of time. He might be out of time. Oh. His inexperience is showing, look at the camera pet! He purses his lips, possibly in terror and then 'whoooooyeaaaah's shakily at us and ouch. It's a really stiff perf and we don't see his eyes once. Stupid hat. Where is Wes Carr, if he's wearing one of his silly hats, I'll scream.

Kyle and his pointy pointy hair love him, his eyebrows, the hat and wanted to go down that highway with him, but he was in a crappy Volvo - ha! Look, Kyle's being funny! He also tells him that he needs to be relaxed. Which he wasn't. Marcia says Mitchell is one of the most seasoned performers in the semi's - the hell? He is? Playing the guitar and crooning 'Desperado' to a herd of cattle, doesn't count Marcia, you know that, right? She tells him to smile and entertain the audience. Dicko says they need to see Good Him and that he needs to pick the right song for Good Him. Did Mitchell's Evil Twin Marshall perform tonight? He doesn't have a goatee, how are we meant to tell the good twin from the bad if he doesn't have a goatee? G saunters out and they banter about Mazda. It's cute, but is this how it's going to go? Mathieson in the contestant room with Norgs Chestabig and G on his little lonesome? I need my boys to banter, BANTER, DAMN IT.

London auditionee Jaden Dowd is warbling CC Peniston's 'Finally' which - doesn't this song immediately make everyone think of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert? And then doesn't everyone look at Jaden's makeup and outfit and think uncharitable thoughts? Her singing is mediocre and gets screechy at times because there is not a damn place in this song for you to be subtle. It's balls to the wall and no middle ground. Not a good choice, at all.

Kyle disses her one piece jumpsuit (and he's Priscilla-ing it, you just know it) but she shoots right back at him that jumpsuits are in. Are they? God. I despair, I do. He thinks she's a fine singer but that her perf was boring and not her. He basically calls her a scrag with a shit song. Ouch. And also, glass houses Kyle. Marcia reminds her that it's the first time Australia's seen her and no, it isn't Brown Sugar, the first time was when she was wearing that god awful Aust flag top, we remember! Marcia's throws some cliches at her about believing herself and it's good to have you back! Shut up, Marcia! Dicko feels responsible for Jaden being here and still thinks she's fabulous but he pulls out the old critique he once gave Chanel and tells her it was like a girl at the office pissup (although I believe Chanel got 'pissed secretary' or something similar). Jaden is TICKED OFF and even the delightful prospect of standing next to G doesn't cheer her up. Shame. G looks sad.

James and Funjugs do some promotion for Mazda and she can NOT read off a teleprompter OR wing it. Fired.

Frenchie Olly Corpe is not about pop and froth. Therefore he's singing fairly unknown poppy frothy James Morrison number, 'Wonderful World'. He doesn't start off great, he's a little scratchy sounding. He eventually hits his stride vocally but he avoids the camera like it's going to bite him and I'm getting a total Bobby Flynn thing from his performance aesthetic. He's a bit spazzy in front of the camera is what I'm saying. And that shit got old QUICKLY.

Kyle didn't care for the song but enjoyed watching him. Thanks Kyle. Marcia loves his smile - she's all about the smiles, tonight - and thinks he did a great job. Dicko likes his intensity but warns him against going too pop too soon. None of the judges critique his actual singing. Pay those people more! Fire Hooters and split her wage three ways between them!

Theatre Girl Nicole Banks wants to move away from being the Theatre Girl and is jazzing up Sam Sparro's 'Black and Gold' and this isn't the way to ditch Theatre Girl. She's totally cabaret'd it. That's not to say it's not good and isn't comfortable as HELL on stage and she doesn't sing it well, she does, I LOVE cabaret and I suspect I'd adore this chick in a production of Thoroughly Modern Millie. She struggles a little to hit some of the higher notes. And it's just such total cabaret. Vilkommen Theatre Girl!

Kyle - who I expected to leap over the table and smack her about the head with a copy of Broadway's Greatest Hits Volume Three; Barbra Streisand (which weighs approx 4.5 kilos but comes with a killer foreword from Every Queen Who Ever Loved Babs, Ever) - calls it quite nice, but could see that she was stressing and going back to 'Entertainer'. He means Theatre Girl. Marcia tells her she has a dynamite voice but that she shouldn't overthink or overact - and Marcia TOTALLY just flashed back to Chanel making out with a microphone stand singing 'Glory Box' and Marcia is in no way willing to accept any actual 'performing' on stage because although she originally loved Chanel, she HATED Chanel. No, just sing the song, thank God and Jesus and get off stage. Dicko wants her to stay true to her passion while reaching out to more accessible genres and thinks that was a very clever song to choose, allowing her to be contemporary whilst jazzing it up. G does her numbers and he looks lonely. He misses his Jimmy!

Wes Carr is wearing a silly hat. Bah. Foo Fighters. 'Times Like These'. Oh man. Wes, you had me at Dave Grohl. The Idol camera guy is either drunk or so thrown by the awesome rockiness of Wes that he forgets to hold on to the camera. Gorgeously paced, well sung (not brilliantly, but good enough) and JUST FUN. Oh, it's time for the first nickname of the comp and with the jesus hair and awesomeness, how can I go past The Messiah? It's blasphemous and appropriate all at the same time! I reserve the right to lose faith and denounce him for thirty pieces of silver.

Kyle is so smitten he's forgotten The Messiah's name. Just kneel and give thanks Kyle. Marcia blushes and simpers at him a bit before telling him he's solid. Dicko loves the beginning and his intensity and tells him he's a standout performer and he needs to take that mantle and run with it. He warns him not to plateau and calls him one of the best. And Wes is currently leading in the betting to take out this whole thing - but they had Matt Corby winning it all last season as well. Man, that still warms my heart.

Yay! Jimmy and G are on screen together again! Have they been crying backstage? Holding hands and promising to never be apart? It's SO cruel to separate them like that. They struggle to take their eyes off each other and it's just so Romeo and Juliet and Mammaries is the city of Verona. I mean, G isn't flirting with me at all and he's usually making goo goo eyes at me at the end of the show. I'm happy to share, James. Happy to share.

Best of the night, The Messiah, Nicole and Chrislyn, probably Wes and Chrislyn will go through. Special mention to Olly because he did okay and he's adorable.

Apologies for any typos or grammatical blergs - my usual resistance to the correct and proper use of the possessive apostrophe notwithstanding - but it's one am and I'm not editing this bitch, it's bed time.

TallulahBelle out.

No rest for the wicked.

100 contestants (or 103, as the show claims but I counted. I COUNTED. Did Mathieson lie to me? I can't live in a world where Mathieson LIES.) Three rounds. The Long Walk. All over in two hours? (And still no Holden!) They're not taking any prisoners this season, are they? Also, I stopped off at a 7-11 on the way home from rehearsals because I was a mite peckish and was everyone aware that there was such a thing as a double dipped Cherry Ripe? With TWO lots of dark chocolate? This day just gets awesomer and awesomer! (Except for the part where Lindsay gets totally gypped out of air time on tonight's show. That just sucked. For those interested, both he and other returning semi finalist Ben Worthington made it to The Long Walk where they were both given the heave ho.)

Round One

They start us off with some bullshit Mission Impossible style HD video Dicko-gram on the shore across from the Harbour Bridge as he lets them know they have to chose one of four songs overnight and perform with the houseband. James says they couldn't make it any easier. Oh yeah, learning a song overnight, getting very little sleep and trying desperately to perform it knowing that your potential future rests on it? Piece of fucking cake.

There are numerous performances - Madam Parker, who drove me INSANE with her original auditions, reins it back nicely and gives a surprisingly subtle performance; straight through to the final round. Wrestler David Wallis doesn't fare nearly so well, his voice warbling all over the place; a no from Kyle, a come back from Marcia and Dicko. He confesses to nerves, which also take down Luke West, Christopher Southall and Rebecca Simoni - two of whom we've never seen before or will see again, I suspect. Professional asshole Kyle brilliantly takes it upon himself to pick on AN 18 YEAR OLD GIRL who stayed up all night learning a song so she could dance to the motherfucking tune of the exec producers wishes. You know what? These are KIDS, most of whom have NO real life experience with gigging or audiences or this kind of performance anxiety and if you continue to allow them into the competition, you need to LAY THE FUCK OFF when they screw up and not make them cry. It only serves to make you look like an insensitive freaking bully. Again. Still. Continue. Rebecca slinks off stage in tears. Hope that was worth it, Kyle.

Many more horrid, nerve wrecked performances and big voiced Chrislyn Hamilton gets the smackdown for her outfit and needing more than a big, belty voice. Kyle lies his arse off and says he doesn't care if you're big or not. Somewhere Kate DeAraugo (you may - or may not - remember her as the winner of Season Three) thrusts her tuckshop lady arms in the air and deploys the middle finger of each hand in his general direction. Simon Phillips kicks out Michael Jackson's 'Beat It' and beats it straight through to the solos. A bunch of girls fail miserably at singing Duffy's 'Mercy'.

Funky hipster Casey Freeman - whose original audition was ace - crashes and burns with Carole King's 'Feel The Earth', her voice is a little more damaged sounding than husky at this point. Not enough sleep? Strong jawed Teale Jakubenko brings out his guitar to play with the band to James Morrison's 'You Give Me Something' and sounds okay but not brilliant. Let the guitar go and stand on your own, dude. Kyle and Dicko bitch at each other - Kyle wants him straight through, Dicko thinks it was too ordinary and he needs to come back and sing again. Kyle concedes to the Power Of Dicko. Brooke Schubert also brings her guitar out but uses it more effectively on Bonnie Raitt's countrylicious 'Something To Talk About' and that's more than four songs because someone sang a Beyonce number as well . . . it must have been four different songs for the girls and boys. She's deservedly put through to the solos, which is great but Kyle sings a few lines of the song, which is not.

More failures and Marcia giving a little pep talk to the remaining contestants (aww, remember when it used to be Holden who went out and did that?) Amanda Grafanakis jumps around and rawks more than she sings No Doubt's 'Just A Girl', for which she is BUSTED - second chance'd. Bespectacled redhead Robert Jeffrey does something bizarre to Elton John's 'Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me' and Kyle hilariously says he saw a 'Kenyon poo stance' at some point and it was too theatrical. It comes down to Brown Sugar who tells him he started at eleven, but they second chance him. Scottish lass Angela McComiskie who didn't have the greatest original audition sings the same song as Robert - now hang on. How many fucking songs did they give them? Could they sing each others songs if they wanted to? Oh show, how you confuse me. She's still not wowing me but they give her a second chance as well. They seem to not be getting rid of many. Sigh.

The fabulous Wes Carr is nervous as all fuck as he busts out 'Come Together' by The Beatles. He's awesome, I LOVE him so very much. I'm even starting to love his silly hats. Roshani Priddis kicks the hell out of 'Mercy' and Sophie Paterson also chose wisely with 'Come Together'; they are both straight through to the solos.

Round Two

Line of ten perfs - Jonny Taylor grunges up Michael Jackson's 'Dirty Diana'. Nicole Banks hits all the right notes singing Amy Winehouse number 'Valerie'. They go through to the solos along with Robert Jeffrey, Brooke Addamo, Matt Parsons, Amanda Grafanakis and 16 year old Tom Williams whose pitch was all over the shop. Casey Freeman still didn't get enough sleep and sounds funky still. They send her back to Nowhere Creek. Teale Jakubenko needs to stop trying the falsetto. Are you listening to me, young man?? Quit it. He's through and we're done and that was quick . . .

Round Three

Solos. For which they've packed the Sydney Theatre with punters who thought they were just there to see a taped presentation of Idol 08 - what exactly would that have entailed anyway? Video of Ricki Lee as she TAKES OVER THE SHOW? The 54 remaining contestants are very very happy to see them but for some, this must be a new and scary prospect . . .

First up is Current Fav Wes Carr, who continues his impeccable song choice by doing The Killers "Mr Brightside". He's slightly wobbly around the vocals and is still wearing a silly hat but I love him nonetheless (and with Lindsay gone, my haircut needs turn to Wes and his Jesus hair . . . ) Boyband escapee Thanh Bui screeches a lot, Natalie Colavito busts out some big notes, James Spargo - not so much, he sounds quite weak doing Robbie Williams' 'Angels' but Chrislyn Hamilton throws her mike to the ground and sings the HELL out of Janis Joplin's 'Piece Of My Heart'.

The Long Walk

And all of a sudden we're done and on to the entirely unstaged segment showing the judges arguing over the Top 24. For the third year in a row, let's say goodbye to those who didn't make it (bye guys) and lets just get to the Top 24.

Natalie Colavito, who has made it this far before and has just a great freaking attitude about the crap she's going to catch about being a 'big' lady, sang Aretha's 'Natural Woman' for her solo and sounds great - you can see she's not just singing this, she understands the lyric (although I stand by my call that Shaneequa sings this song the best - outside of Aretha herself - she made me cry the first time I heard it. In a good way.) Natalie is through. Excellent. She bursts into happy tears. I may tear up a little too. I can't help it, it's late, I'm tired, it's emotional and she's kind of awesome.

Meh. James Spargo is a lovely guy with a decent voice but really? He's through? His 'Angels' did not sound great guys, it sounded very Christmas Carols. Very 'proper' and not that interesting. They see something I'm not, obviously. (I will give him this, his delight is delightful.)

I'm also kind of surprised that youngster Tom Williams is through, he's not had the greatest run up to this point and really REALLY comes across as so young. His pitch problems are concerning, but the other sixteen year olds went APE for him during his solo of Ronan Keating's 'When You Say Nothing At All'. They even bring up his pitch problems - and look he's adorable but haven't we been through this before? With Matt Corby and Dean Geyer? The young ones don't win. Otherwise Moppet would have won. If I'd have any say in the matter, anyway.

Madam Parker warbles a song I'm not familiar with - she sings it well and do we even need to bother with this? She's so very through, she's this years Single Mum RnB Singer and I really hope she throws off that cliche and becomes more because she's already shown she has more musical depth than that. Don't be Emily, don't be Emily. Dicko freaking LOVES her and thinks she has one of the best soul voices they've ever had.

Wes Carr and his Jesus hair are ready for this, man. And they're both totally through. Of course, we knew that with his first perf of 'All Along The Watchtower', guys. As is Jonny Taylor after his rather good solo perf of The Screaming Jets 'Shiver'.

James Sidebottom gave a great rendition of 'Diamonds On The Soles Of Her Shoes' by Paul Simon and gives a really honest answer when asked if he wants to win when he confesses that he's not sure. The judges lose their MINDS that someone might dare to have changed their minds - Dicko's dummy spit is kind of hilarious - especially when they WERE going to put him through. Is it because James didn't give them the right answer that they put shearer Luke Dickens through? His solo of Billy Joel's 'The Pianoman' sounds like Billy Joel, just like his Joe Cocker sounded like Joe Cocker. He needs to try and sing something soft, let us see if he can sing something different. He's crazy laconic still and his face twitches slightly in surprise when Dicko tells him he's in, which I think might be the equivalent of a shrieking girly fit for him. I kinda like him, but I don't know why yet.

In quick succession - Brooke Addamo, Matt Parsons, Amanda Grafanakis, Sophie Paterson are all shunted through. Jaden Dowd also makes it through (and Lindsay whispered in my ear that one of the British chicks had to use her MP3 player to get pitch during the line of ten and my money is on Jaden, as Sophie went didn't do the LoT and went straight to solos . . . )

One of my favourite girls from the original auditions is theatre chick Nicole Banks whose solo was Jewel's 'Who Will Save Your Soul' and one of her friends outed her on the theatrepeople website as being through to the Top 24 so I haven't been worried about her tonight at all. She's lovely and I look forward to seeing her do a full number.

Teale Jakubenko's lovely jawline is through (making Fosse happy - only making me so, if he leaves The Falsetto ALONE.) Thanh Bui boyband oversang the John Farnham version of 'Help Me If You Can' and he's another one who needs to rein it in when he gets to the semi's.

Pop cowboy Mitchell Steele sang something that sounded a little like Bette Midler's 'Wind Beneath My Wings'. I'm almost positive it wasn't that though . . . but as every season must a rock chick have (that would be Amanda this season) we also need to have someone who hits the country demographic and Mitchell is it.

Adorable munchkin Roshani Priddis sang Joe Cocker's 'Unchain My Heart' and they show the back up singers for the first time and holy crap, one of them is Australian Idol Vocal Coach Erana Clark! I can't see who the guy is. Roshani kind of oversings but is good enough to still get through. And cute as a freaking button. She also confesses her vocals weren't great when she sang her solo so I love her to pieces for that. Modesty rocks!

The last two girls standing are the incredibly awesome Chrislyn Hamilton (the aforementioned rocking rendition of Joplin's 'Piece Of My Heart') and the incredibly not as awesome Angela McComiskie (Abba's 'Dancing Queen' - a bit wobbly, frankly). This is a no brainer right? I know Angela is older and has more experienced, but Chrislyn has shown a performance maturity that blows most of the other contestants out of the water. They are both crying and show, this is just so cruel, don't drag this out. Chrislyn has a far superior voice. Dicko bollocks about to build dramatic tension and Angela's hopes horribly. They make the right decision and put through the better voice but poor Angela, that's horrid. You bastards.

'Dream Catch Me' starts playing over a montage of the succesful and I feel like we're going to hear this song a whole heap this season. This year we're not going boy/girl in the semi's - we're bck to mixed votes - thanks god. First up they've put my two faves Wes and Nicole on the same night, along with cowboy Mitchell, LondonAussie Jaden, Frenchie Olly Corpe (who was nowhere to be seen in tonight's show) and our last girl through, Chrislyn. You can find the Idol Semi Finalists in total here - happily, most of them are familiar faces who were highlighted during the audition shows, if not this one.

TallulahBelle out.