Helter Skelter.

Third semi final, third skinny tie on Mathieson and aww, look the boys miss each other SO much that they’ve dressed in similar and complementing shades of charcoal. Whatserface is not involved in this first bit which is good. Tonight I’ll be suggesting people who I thought might have made a better choice as co-hosts every time she appears. Let’s have some fun with it, shall we? But first up, joining Chrislyn and The Messiah in the Top 12 are Amanda and Brooke!! Yayayayayayay. Oh, FINE. It’s neither of those people. Instead it’s Babyface Tom first and let’s pause a little and talk about that shall we? BAD AUSTRALIA. Bad. He is the youngest young person who every younged. He’s not a baby, he’s a foetus, he still has gestating to do. So that’s one big rap across the nose with a rolled up newspaper for the teens and tweens who voted for Tom the infant. Baaaaaad. (Also, Nomes has dubbed him Dimples. I like it, lets go with that, Dimples he is.) And you, people who voted for Thanh? Yeah, you. As punishment Justin Timberlake will not be allowed back into the country to tour for at least the next three years. So you go off and you THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.

G tries to buck up the leftover contestants reminding them Wildcard is a’coming and hey! That chick who won last year was a Wildcard and look at how well she’s done with her multiple number one hits, her great CD of originals and ooh look over there at that pretty shiny thing and quickly on with the show before anyone starts asking questions. Like, where exactly have you hidden The Gauc’s body? And how does she fit in there with PoorPoorCasey and TeamKate already taking up room and stinking up the joint? Really, how long before a corpse gets really stinky. Someone who watches CSI? In the comments please, thanks.

The boys throw to whatserface and don’t you think Pol Pot would have made an AWESOME co-host? I know he’s been dead for ten years and was a genocidal madman but I bet he could master a teleprompter quicker!

First cab off the rank (still funny) is Matt Parsons and Thirsty Merc’s ‘Summertime’ and yes sir, you do have appropriately ridiculous enough facial hair to pull off one of their songs. He’s a bit cheesy but his voice is excellent. He covers the range nicely (if a bit iffyish on some of the lower notes) but he looks a little lost without a band behind him or a guitar and a digeridoo in front of him. It’s still pretty good and a NICE start.

Dicko thinks he’s very dependable as a performer but now they need to refine and that his smiling, pleasing demeanour will only get him so far in rock. Dicko then tells him he looks like an Amish lad who has found an iPod and turned his back on barn building. Oh Dicko, you give me at least one brilliant line an episode, bless you. Marcia thinks he has a fine voice. She does warn him about pitchiness but thinks that was because he didn't have his guitar. And what about the didgeridoo, Brown Sugar? What did that cause? Kyle has no doubt he has a fine voice but thinks he looks like he's polished himself up to meet his girlfriend's parents for the first time and he needs to just be him, scraggly and bearded. Until the week when Kyle tells him he needs to put on a decent freaking shirt and comb his damn hair because he's on television for crying out loud. Matt saunters off to finish rumspringa.

James introduces Sophie Paterson who tonight will be serenading us with her rejigged version of The Rolling Stones classic 'Satisfaction' and she starts off sitting by the side of the stage which I'm not overly fond of but she wails the lyrics to this song like she's performing the closer at Lilith Fair and MAN, is it cool. It's one of the most interesting arrangements of any song on this show ever (and I'm including the horrible things Bobby did to 'Werewolves of London' and the awesome things Bobby did to 'Under The Milky Way Tonight'). Love. It.

Marcia tells her not to worry because she's sure there are PLENTY of people who'd like to satisfy her - testify, Brown Sugar!! She loves the brave arranging, telling her she tore it up and that it was smoky and great. Kyle loves everything, the sitting, the wailing and says there are a lot of artists doing that style of presentation (I think he means intepretation, the numbskull). Dicko calls her a surprise package and says she so hot she's probably doubled Australian Idol's carbon footprint this year (he's two for two, kids!). He calls it the standout performance of the series this year - wow, better than the whole thirteen performances that came before it? Slow down, Dicko. Sophie doesn't understand how G operates, she holds her mike in the hand nearest him and how is he meant to hold your hand and caress it like a frightened kitten if you don't help a little, Sophie??

G throws to whatserface and don't you think the Matt Damon puppet from Team America:World Police would have made an AWESOME co-host? He would have introduced everyone as "Maattt Damonnnn" but I hear he has a great attitude and that his upside down pineapple cake is just to die for. Plus he doesn't need a huge dressing room, just a box with air holes cut in it.

Third singer is Teale Jakubenko and his awe inspiring jaw line and cute little bum chin. My brother has the same dimple in the middle of his chin and he's passed it on to my nephew. Cutiepie's, every one. He's singing 'Running' by Evermore. He pretties it up a little too much, perfectly enunciating every word but lets go when he gets to the chorus. He also lets slightly go of his pitch. It's still not too bad and his last long note is delightful.

Kyle calls him a beautiful man - and really, Kyle needs someone to have a crush on now that HotCarl has moved on. He felt Teale was going to trip over at any point and warns him to keep an eye on the nerves, but loved him loved him loved him. Dicko says he did trip over twice and that Teale knows he did - pitchy bits, man, Dicko and I are SO on the same wavelength tonight! He worries that his back catalogue is too soft rock and he needs to sex symbol it up. Marcia tells him he ticks all the boxes and he's comfortable and when he goes for the big notes, he's "there' and then she "chachacha"s at him. Then G makes an erection joke that goes over Teale's head but Dicko gets it and he and G smiley flirt at each other a bit. Then Mathieson stomps over and pulls Dicko's jacket over his shirt and he and G start a screaming domestic as we go to a commercial. Oh, you two. Now, kiss and make up.

Sidebar: please don't watch Kenny's World. I'm begging you.

Country singing hottie Brooke Schubert plays weekly pub gigs at the Black Nugget and Mathieson takes that one and rides it for about five minutes and whatserface can't banter like this at all. Fired. She's country popping Linda Ronstadt's 'When Will I Be Loved' and damn, but this is fun! She's got a great country pop voice and you can tell she's used to performing because the audience ain't fazing her one little bit. She's smiling with them, she's cheeky, she's busting out some dance moves and she's singing her heart out. Wow, this is a good night.

Dicko thinks she is in the top three performers they have in the Top 24. He gives her a word of caution that she needs to send a clear message of where she stands musically, flipping between country and soft rock may confuse the Australian public. Dude, I have two words for you: Shania Twain. This country bought 1.5 million copies of 'Come On Over' and I know that was in the 90's but still. The crossover can be done. Just don't ask Brooke to sing 'Man, I Feel Like A Woman' and I'll be happy. Marcia has a quick shout out for Brooke from someone named Te'ann (?) and is Marcia Facebook now? Can I friend The Messiah and all the Brookes please? I want to play Scrabulous with them. (There are three Brooke's in the Top 24.) Marcia tells her she needs to think of her notes and how clear they need to be and also well done darling. Kyle agrees with both his fellow judges that she's doing everything she should be but he doesn't care. He tells her he won't lose sleep over it but that she should, and she needs to change people's minds. G isn't having a bar of it and tells Kyle he ain't helping but you know what is? Brooke knows how G works and she's got her mike in her left hand, leaving her right wide open and predictably the adorable G has taken it.

G throws to whatserface and don’t you think Vladimir Putin would have made an AWESOME co-host? Granted, I think he only speaks Russian and he would have to fly in and out all the time so he could still, you know, be the Prime Minister and all and he's still kind of got that whole Georgia thing going on but he owns several guns and he knows how to use them and now that Dimples is in the Top 12, he's going to need a bodyguard, someone who isn't afraid to pop a cap in someone else's ass. Also, maybe as a thank you, Dimples could sing 'I Will Always Love You' from The Bodyguard soundtrack in a future episode and dedicate it to Vlad. Wouldn't that be cool?

Mark Spano and his awesome freaking rock voice, have officially blown my mind. He's singing the BRILLIANT 'Come, Said The Boy' by Mondo Rock and I have ALWAYS wanted someone to do this song on Idol and do it well. And does he do it well? Can I get a 'hell' and a 'yeah'? It's beautifully crooned and just about the perfect song for him, perfectly sung. I get the impression it isn't the first time he's ever done it but when the band quietens and the camera swoops in on him as he arcs his neck back and pulls a half jesus pose; It. Is. Dead. Sexy. He is so not my type and he makes me feel a little dirty . . . I like it . . no, I love it. Yay for being confused!

Marcia congratulates him on singing "one of the finest songs written in Australia, that's just one of the baddest songs I know, yeah?" and WHO TOLD? Who told Marcia that she said too many songs were her favourite last year? Someone must have told her because she is fighting DAMN hard not to say it here. Damn damn hard. She looks like she might be pinching herself under the judge's table to keep from saying it. She loves the light and shade in his voice and tells him the nodules were a blessing because he got two years off . . . to work in construction. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but what? Kyle tells him he had this cougar purring (he means Marcia) and she laughingly agrees that she loves that song. And yeah, it is a sexy song. Kyle calls it perfection. Dicko thinks the group tonight is brilliant and is the group of death and you need to be good to stand out and Mark was exceptional. Dicko has a crush too and purrs a little. G is impressed and mentally notes to ask Mark for some pointers during the break.

The freaking adorable Roshani Priddis is giving everyone a little musical education tonight by singing the original version of 'Knock On Wood' by Eddie Floyd, but I don't think anyone's going to be rushing out to iTunes it. It's a little - look, Kyle says it perfectly, it's cafe music (he says cafe del mar), it's the kind of jazzy/blues version of a song that would fit right into an Italian bistro in Carlton. It's not horrid, not in any way shape or form. It's just ridiculously underwhelming, especially after the brilliance of Mark.

Kyle has his disappointed face on from the get go, he wanted it to be the disco version which he thinks would have rocked it out completely. Dicko disagrees and loved the version she did. He thinks she presents as really commercial and marketable but he says there were huge holes in her pitch, but he'll leave that to the Queen to talk about. Dicko, didn't you get the memo? We're calling Marcia 'Brown Sugar' this season. Get on board. Marcia asks if she's aware of the pitch issues during the song. Roshani says it's a combo of nerves and breathing and Marcia gives her a pass. Dicko jumps in to point out to all the contestants that pitch is a big issue with this show. I know if I had a dollar for every time I typed 'pitch' I'd be able to fly to Sydney where they film the show and fire whatserface myself. Roshani could NOT be cuter.

Mark to go through obviously and then I like either Brooke or Sophie because we're really guy heavy at the moment but I wouldn't be horrified if any of them got through. Although it should be Mark and anyone else.

The boys throw to whatserface and don’t you think Charles Manson would have made an AWESOME co-host? Yeah, he would have had to do his co-hosting duties from his jail cell in Corcoran State Prison but he's already completed all the possible inmate correspondence courses, graduated summa cum laude from Big Tina's Finishing School of Cellblock Three, painted excellent copies of all the Masters (including those tricky Surrealists - the tiger's in Dali's 'Dream Caused By The Flight Of A Bee Around A Pomegranate A Second Before Waking' were a nightmare) and made an entire two storey house out of wicker. He's bored now. Co-host would be a totally new and exciting experience for him. He promises not to have anyone killed.

TallulahBelle out.