The numbers all go to eleven

Today's title is a quote from the movie This Is Spinal Tap, a brilliant mockumentary taking the absolute living piss out of rock, out of roll and its assorted hanger on-ers. Watching Idol Rock Night this season, well, lets just say that a little Nigel Tufnell or David St Hubbins wouldn't have gone astray. Because honestly, if Matt had maybe pulled out 'Tonight I'm Going To Rock You Tonight' or Brianna had thrown caution to the wind and kicked on with 'Big Bottom', I'd be praying at the altar of Idol. As it is, I'm thinking of sacrificing a chicken or two to ensure that they NEVER DO ROCK ON THIS SHOW AGAIN. Maybe a goat will do it . . . potentially a cow. The twisted soul of Mark Holden? It's a deal. I RACED home from rehearsals and barely made it in time, excited to see who the Idolites would break out; maybe some Wolfmother, Pink, My Chemical Romance, some Garbage, some Jet? I am a woman thoroughly unaware of the CRASHING disappointment about to be rained down on me as I suffer through what must officially be considered the Worst Idol Episode Ever.

But first, a little science courtesy of italktoomuch and the Season Five contestants of Australian Idol going a little way towards explaining why you sit at home completely confused as to why the live audience are losing their collective minds over a perfomance that you thought was at best not as good as Irish's 'Celebration'.

The doppler effect (or why an ambulance sounds completely different coming towards you as it does moving away) : the shift in frequency (Doppler shift) of acoustic or electromagnetic radiation emitted by a source moving relative to an observer as perceived by the observer: the shift is to higher frequencies when the source approaches and to lower frequencies when it recedes.

The Idolppler effect (or why contestant's performances sound completely different to the audience at home then they do the live audience and the judging panel) : when the sound of a contestant screeching horribly through a truly bad song choice bounces through microphones and exits your television speakers shattering the glass on your tabletop and your car windows, it is often perceived differently to when it is observed live. The viewer at home is not subjected to Stockholm Syndrome-like group levels of hysteria, excitement, screaming fangirlies and starstruck-idity and therefore the perception of Idol enjoyment must be based on differing expectation levels. Also sometimes referred to as Touchdown Reservation or Why The Hell Did The Judges Think That Was Awesome, When It Quite Obviously Blew Chunks At A Level Heretofore Not Seen In This Show's History? Occasionally referred to in conjunction with discussion regarding anything DeadtomeOnetrickponyLee Harding did after 'Holiday' that he garnered praise for.

Sigh. I would almost rather rabbit on for pages about DtmOtpLee then actually talk about Rock Night . . . gah. Right. Girding my loins. Let's do it. I was going to talk about the Confidence Coach but . . . oh, I just don't have the energy because Matt Corby is crucifying the first wa-a-aaaaaaah note of Led Zepplin's 'Immigrant Song' and dude, Robert Plant is going to be PISSED. His falsetto is AWFUL and he's raping and pillaging this song horrendously and he drew the Silly Hat short straw this week. Woeful, please make it stop. He does have delightfully divine eyelashes and I feel if he'd maybe wore the eye makeup Malcolm McDowell had in A Clockwork Orange, I would slightly believe that he could be remotely bad ass.

Mark tells him that was way too ambitious but still thinks he's terrific. Dicko was worried about song choice and Matt says he's loved the Zep since he was young - young? He's sixteen. So he loved them what? When he was three? Were they his The Wiggles? Did he come out of the womb humming 'Whole Lotta Love'? Dicko thinks it wasn't exactly the hammer of the gods but that he could get a plus one for Valhalla and REALLY, if a large breasted valkyrie came down riding on the back of a wolf to take him to feast and live forever, young Matt would crap himself. Marcia thought it was seamless for a sixteen year old but Kyle says if he was a pretty, young boy then he would have chosen a good love rock song more geared towards his demographic.

TepidCarl is desperately trying to get back into my good graces because in his package he wears a tight white shirt, ass hugging jeans and eyeliner. I'm melting, I'm melting . . . boy knows my weaknesses. Now Coldplay's 'Clock's' can absolutely rock out because Magni did so on Rockstar Supernova. However, he didn't invest it with a reggae beat and croon it so much as he rocked the living FUCK out of it. TepidCarl sings this quite well and wisely steers away from the Chris Martin falsetto which I fear would prove too much for him but this is pretty lame for Rock Night, dude. Still, at least it's not Waltzing Matilda! And his jawline is magnificent, so welcome back HotCarl!

Dicko shrugs and asks him if that's rock? Man, Dicko would have HATED Bobby Flynn's cavalier approach to theme's last year. He tells HotCarl that he's just being lazy and then makes one of the few sane remarks he'll make all night by telling HC he could have done a Stray Cats song and been brilliant. My god. Can we have a week where Dicko picks EVERYONE'S songs for them? Marcia abdicates all judging responsibility by making the contestant judge themselves. Unsurprisingly HotCarl thought he did okay. Thanks for your time Marcia, your fee for tonight's show will be donated to charity, right? Kyle says he understands he wants to stick to his 'thing' but that it was a bit of a jellyfish, wobbly performance and he no longer wants to be HotCarl's boyfriend as he radiated a boring vibe. Mark thinks it undermines the competition to do a swing(ish) version of a song for Rock Night and just as I'm about to pass out from lack of oxygen because I can't stop screaming at Holden about how he let Bobby get away with fucking MURDER last year - 'Werewolves of London', 'Arthur', 'Rhiannon' motherfucker!! - the lovely Andrew G channels the sane part of me and dryly notes to HotCarl that they let Bobby do whatever they liked last year and ASIO makes a note of G’s support and wipes his file clean.

I have been waiting for YEARS for someone on Idol to do some Supertramp. Brianna Carpenter is not necessarily the contestant I would have chosen to do it. Her performance of ‘The Logical Song’ is heaps better than last week but that’s not really saying a lot, her vocals are really weak and she mangles her higher notes like they borrowed her favourite coloured tights without asking and she’s holding a grudge. Her fringe looks straighter than usual. That’s good . . . right?

Marcia actually critiques her for the second week in a row by reminding her to watch her pitch, that she’s missing the notes with her head voice. But that makes sense. That’s helpful. Who is this woman and what has she done with Mother Marcia? Kyle wastes no time and rends her in two through angrily pursed lips; he hated it, thought it looked and sounded ridiculous. Mark takes his head out of his hands to ask for medication and then tells her – really fucking harshly – to be an individual who sings in tune and I literally recoil from the venom in his voice. Yeah, she sucked royally but guys – chill, okay? There’s no need to make the girl look like she wants to cry on national television. The vitriol doesn’t stop there though, as Dicko goes straight for the jugular – and when Brianna confesses to not being able to adequately hear herself (remembering that most of these guys have only ever done small intimate gigs where foldback and reverb aren’t really an issue, coupled with Brianna’s other hearing problems) he bitchily tells her to resign off the show. It’s a one, two punch and SHE IS DOWN. Mathieson and G look as taken aback as the rest of us and Jimmy notes that it was one of the more brutal judgements they’ve seen. I hated her performance, but man, I feel so very bad for her.

I’m not a big fan of Paolo Nutini’s version of ‘Jenny’ and I’m not Marty Simpson’s biggest fan either so I should hate this. Oh, look at that, I do, I'm so predicatable. Urgh. PGiddy texts me to wonder why the hell Marty didn’t do some Pearl Jam and the Jam would have rocked, awesome call PGid. A little ‘Jeremy’ or ‘Daughter’ would have been great. He rushes ahead of the band at the beginning and then later falls behind, his timing is shit. His singing is one note and dull, and he’s better than he was last week but it’s so marginally miniscule and I just don’t care. He’s dull. Blah. God, this night sucks.

Kyle quite enjoyed it, he thinks Marty gives the same thing every week and yes, he does Kyle and it is bland and tasteless. He’s the sliced tomato on white bread sandwich of Season Five, he doesn't have any salt or pepper, hell, he isn't even toasted. Mark calls it good song choice and that it suited his raspy voice but that he can see the nerves are still Marty’s BFF. Dicko’s second sane remark of the night is to note that he was rushing all over the place with his pace. Marcia recycles her Lisa Mitchell “you’re just missing your guitar, right honey child?” excuse speech but then makes sense when she tells him he needs to trust the band. God. More sense from Marcia? What the fuck is going on?

Lana Hello Krost-ie (™ Scott) is singing one of my favourite Little Birdy songs ‘Come On, Come On’ and COME ON DARLING, ROCK IT THE FUCK OUT, GIVE ME SOME MOTHERFUCKING ATTITUDE, DON’T BE SO FRIGGING PRETTY. Once again, Lana sings well, but overenunciates and is just so damn safe that it irritates me beyond my threshold of pain. A smoky eye, black jeans and a slightly messy ‘do, do NOT a rock chick make.

Although Mark thinks its good to see her trying to attack the song, it makes him all kinds of uncomfortable in his trouser region watching it (I may be reading between the lines a little there). He does rally magnificently to call it ‘as cutting edge as Dicko’s jawline’. Bwah! And while Dicko says it was better, he brings up the fact that there was no steel behind it, he wants her to start roaring like a tiger and that was just a miaow. Marcia asks her to say the line ‘if you and me aren’t trying I don’t see the point’ again and she says it with the sweetest smile on her face and DUDE. She is going to be fucked over by asshole guys her whole life who will treat her like shit as punishment for being so beautiful. Men will break up with her and she will never know why. Lana, honey, call me, I have bitter to spare. Let me teach you. Kyle wants to know where her confidence has gone and you know what? It’s been eaten away by you four wankers and bitches like me. She was TOO YOUNG to be put in the Semi’s. None of this is her fault. It’s YOURS.

Mathieson calls Jacob Butler so damn ready to rock and roll that his hair already smells like cigarettes and vomit – hah! Pay that man more money! Jacob is strapping on his love for the Gallagher Brothers and his best English accent singing voice to perform Oasis’ ‘What’s The Story (Morning Glory)’. His vocals aren’t as tip top as they’ve been and the mimicking of Liam Gallagher’s phrasing is a little annoying but hell, he’s too busy dashing across stage like a maniac to let that bother him. He lets the band do a lot of the work for him but it’s rocker than any of the others have been so far. He THROWS himself across the stage at the end and I flinch in sympathy for his coccyx.

Dicko thinks he is turning into a potential great lead singer for a tribute band but that his performance was ‘knoblike’. Marcia on the other hand, loved it and Kyle says he’s the first person to come out and actually rock it, calling him a chameleon which Dicko POUNCES on asking who does that in the ‘real world’. Mark loved it but also wants him to pull back, not everything has to be full throttle and then he and Dicko practically scream at each other and look, I know that only about 5% is really them fighting and the rest is for the cameras and normally I would want Dicko to put his fist through Holden’s face so hard that his nose reverts to his original form but on this occasion I think he’s wrong. Now, lets quickly move on before I have to think too hard about agreeing with Mark over Dicko . . .

Ooooh, Tarasai I’m Not Arrogant, I’m Just Drawn That Way Vushe is next and if she does some Joan Jett, I will love her forever. She does not, she is instead giving us Otis Redding’s ‘Hard To Handle’ by way of the Black Crowes. She rocks it out of the park, mixing just the right amount of singing and arrogance that the Rock Gods demand. She is the first Idol this season to get down with the people and reclines on the stage at one point with fathoms of Look At Me, I’m GREAT insouciance.

Marcia asks her to selfevaluate and Tarasai tries for Humble, which isn’t quite as convincing as the arrogance was; darling we can see that you think you’re ace, GO WITH IT. Kyle loves her just a little bit more each week, even if he doesn’t think that was her best performance, he just wants her to be rock solid every week because she’s fantastic. Mark really likes that she moved out of her comfort zone and approached Rock Week with 100% commitment. Dicko thinks she may need to go to Rock School and Tarasai barely restrains herself from sneering down her nose – actually, she does sneer a little – as she smirks that she doesn’t think she needs that at all, thank you pasty old middle class dude.

Ben Moppet McKenzie continues to impress me with the rather high levels of adorableness he reaches and is the second contestant tonight to do a Little Birdy song, when did The Kids become Little Birdy fans? Did I miss a memo? I so want him to do well while he sings ‘Bodies’ that I lean forward, mouthing the words with him like a stage mother. He infuses it with a nice set of energy and enthusiasm and his voice is adequately rock . . . ish and then he well and truly hits his strides about halfway through and yay! I like it when he’s good! Go Moppet!!

Kyle makes my skin visibly crawl by calling Moppet ‘poncy’. Grah. Fuck off Sandilands, he might be effete or fey but PONCY, that’s a horrid word, you mangy dog. Mark calls him a real puzzle, a guy with a great voice but who is coming across as Jamie Redfern – and way to play to the Idol demographic there Holden, you dipshit. Dicko kind of laughs that it was more effeminate than the Little Birdy version and says he can’t wait for Disco. Marcia says it was the first time she saw him uncomfortable on stage, he’s usually the most rock solid, but she still loves his voice, calling him the finest and most natural singer of the comp and she loved how he broke it down and incorporated his style AND WHO IS THIS WOMAN AND WHY DOES SHE SUDDENLY MAKE SENSE?

The Daniel Mehsdud Misfud Top Twelve Scarf Watch takes a CRACKING leap forward – there are FIVE different scarves in his package, bringing our total to seven. Daniel is bringing the Hendrix and singing ‘Fire’. He cheesily Callea Points and smirks down the camera as he asks if he can stand next to my fire and good god, no you may not, young man, you may however stand IN it and burn to a tiny-chest-hair-cheesy-fondue-shaped crisp. Ewwwww. I rewatch his performance later, with the sound turned down because I just can’t stand him singing this song and count in total five Callea Points and one Callea Hand Reach. No amount of chest hair will distract Fosse from his writhing pain and Mehsdud tops out his Dead To Me list quite early in the season and I quite frankly would prefer that he goes over Brianna. I’d rather listen to shrill (and I also think she’ll ace Disco next week) then put up with him and his stupid hair, I don’t CARE how damn bouncy it is.

Mark thinks Daniel lit up the stage and hit a lot of the ladies buttons and I still get full body shudders thinking of him staring cheesily down the camera wanting to stand next to my fire, gah. Shake it off, shake it off. Dicko thinks his voice has mellow Hendrix tones and that was a great song choice. Marcia returns to form by stating she loves to see the Idols enjoy themselves and I wonder if she has cameras in the rooms at the mansion. Kyle references Donny Osmond (but at least knows the kids won't get it, Mark) and calls it lame and THANK GOD one of the judges isn’t wearing blinkers when it comes to this guy. He notes it had a churchy feel to it, rather than a rock n roll one but then said it still sounded relatively good and I throw my hands up in the air with despair. Then wave them around like I just don’t care. Because I DON’T.

Natalie Last Girl Standing Gauci is repeat offending the Guns N Roses track ‘Sweet Child Of Mine’ which Taaaaaaaaaaaaarni from Season Three vowelled her way through. She starts off pretty mellow, sitting nicely with her legs together like a good girl in a short skirt on a high seat should and its all very nice but where is the grunt . . . . there it is! She loses some of my love for Callea Pointing and smiling inanely whilst singing but she brings the rock to the ‘where do we go’ bit and then slows it right down for the end. Love her! Love!!

Dicko. Bah. Dicko laments her song choice and calls it soft rock when performed by Natalie. Marcia is as confused as the rest of us that her end of the table is making sense this week and notes that Natalie isn’t a tall, skinny, blonde guy (no Marcia, you’re right, she isn’t. Now put down the gun and let the hostages go, we’ll get you some pizza and we’ll talk about all this craziness together, there’s a good girl – damnit, it’s no fun making fun of Marcia when she’s MAKING SENSE) and that she imbued it with light and shade and referenced it from a girls point of view. Kyle hates hates HATES rock week. He thought he might get some Pink or something modern, but no, it ends up being all this naff old eighties and older rock and he doesn’t like it. Then he picks on her clothing and appears to narrowly miss out on a cracking head butt from Mother Marcia. Mark liked that she started off so sweetly but feels she lost it when the guitars kicked in – huh, I think the opposite and I’m usually right. At least in my lounge room anyway.

The Only Guy Who Must Nail This Weeks Theme Or Be Pointed At And Mocked And Have To Join A Kiddie Band Like High5 To Survive The Indignity, Mark RunMdC da Costa is bringing us some AC/CD. I award points for band choice and then deduct based on song. ‘High Voltage’? I’d have gone with ‘Long Way To The Top’ or I’d have insisted on going first and done ‘For Those About To Rock’. Ha! That would be great and then HILARIOUS in hindsight after tonight’s performances. I know he’s this season’s Rock God but this performance is actually a little underwhelming. There are better AC/DC songs to pick and by GOD, I never actually thought I’d write that in conjunction with Australian Idol. He rock sings (that is to say, screechily bellows) it well but it is also a little too polite. Hell, they’ve all been too polite. Bon Scott’s ghost could kick RunMdC’s ass with one arm tied behind his back. It is still one of the best performances of the night.

Marcia drowns in a sea of her own drool noting that he looks sharp and that’s it, so bye bye Sensible Talking Marcia, she’s done. Kyle acknowledges that it takes a certain kind of man to be able to pull off skinny jeans (and I note that now that he doesn’t want to be HotCarl’s boyfriend anymore, maybe he wants to help RunMdC pull off those skinny jeans, if you know what I mean and I think you do because I’m not being terribly unclear here). Holden says RunMdC is coasting and he wants him out of his comfort zone and Holden you can go backstage and watch Kyle help him out of the jeans if you want to see uncomfortable. Dicko blathers that it took eleven perfs to get a decent rock one and whatever Ian, I’m not listening to you at all tonight, please try not to mix up yours and Marcia’s medications next week, thanks. Mathieson comes out and rock growls at RunMdC and practically makes out with him, G and Kyle just look on jealously.

So. The worst EVER Idol show? I think so. Collectively, a whole heaping stankpile of hooey, with only Moppet, RunMdC, Natalie, Tarasai and Jacob really elevating themselves above it. Realistically based on the last two performances, the bottom two should not be anyone else but Brianna and Mehsdud. Lana did enough to keep herself here for another week and HotCarl and Matt Corby didn’t embarrass themselves enough to lose that many fans. Brianna probably to go, I don’t think even the incredible meanness of the judges and the inevitable viewer backlash will save her.