Wild(They Didn't Pick BrookeW)Card

So I'm driving to rehearsals the other night and I'm flicking through various radio stations (as I am wont to do) and Gold 104 (or whatever) is playing The Rolling Stones 'Brown Sugar'. So of course, I immediately call Red so I can share this joyous moment with her, scream "listen to what's on the radio" before she's finished the 'lo' part of 'hello, PUMP up the volume and sing at the top of my lungs with the chorus, drowning out Mick Jagger to the point where Red can't understand a word I or Sir Mick are singing (seriously, I'm so excited, as if this is the first and only time this particular song has ever been played on the radio.) When I pause for a moment and tell her what it is I'm howling at decibels previously unknown or heard by the human ear, Red just wants to know if I called Love Songs Dedication and requested it myself. Smart arse.

It's (I'm just)Wild(about Harry)Card time but before we get there we need to put through two (girls girls girls! Right?) contestants from Thursday to the Top 12. Mathieson's taken back the skinny tie and . . . shit . . . it's Father's Day? Fuck. Sorry Dad. Call you tomorrow? G's envelope has Brooke Addamo's name in it! Wheeeee. Yay. She's adorable. That's two girls! And does Jimmy even need to open his envelope to tell us that Madam Parker is through and sweet jesus, she's been rifling through Marcia's closet, what the frilly heck is she wearing? Three girls in total, huzzah!

I'm not a huge fan of leaving the (Van)Wild(er)Card announcements until the actual show where they expect them to sing. That's kind of cruel and unusual punishment. As is herding all the currently unchosen singers into the waiting room with whatserface Coulter like cattle. At least the boobs are covered up. And I've been very mean to her recently so tonight we'll go through; Reasons I should be grateful to whatserface. When she left the Young Diva's they fell apart and now seem to have disbanded, so basically her solo career is the reason I don't have to hear the slaughter of badly rejigged Disco Classics anymore. Also 'Sunshine' is fucking awesome, I LOVE that song. So snaps to RL for that.

First cab off the . . . oh, I'm SO over that now. First (Tone Loc's)Wild(Thing)Card goes to Amanda Grafanakis who is singing (and feel free to shut UP at some point Coulter. FI. RED.) Tina Turner's 'The Best' and never ever sing something that can potentially be used against you by the judges ie "well, you certainly weren't The Best now, were you?" which you just know one of them will do if you're not good enough. This is not rawky enough for her but she is certainly happy to get a WC and is having a whopping good time. Not brilliant vocals but big energy.

Dicko calls it a great start and tells her her look is as if Vivienne Westwood gave Olive Oyl a makeover. Damn. I love Dicko sometimes so much it HURTS my insides. She's well chuffed to hear that. He tells her he's serious about song choice and that it was a perfect song for her. Marcia is wearing the top half of a Harlequin from Commedia dell'Arte costume and tonight will be juggling balls of You Know How You Did, Not Judging Adequately and You Go Girlfriend/Boyfriend. Kyle was in a hotel room next to Her Tina-ness and . . . that story goes NOWHERE, thanks for sharing dude. He loves her voice and performance. Whee, the boys come out to Amanda together!! Are they allowed next to each other for the whole show?! That's awesome except it means more whatserface, doesn't it? Sigh.

Next (The)Wild(Thornberry's)Card is Nicole Banks! Yay! Sing it Theatre Girl! Oh, she's doing Sarah Bareilles number 'Love Song' which I adore. Please don't sing it with an inane grin on your face Nicole, I know it's a really poppy number but the lyrics are kind of angry. Oh she does. Now I would have thought the Theatre Girl could have intepreted this better and ouch, she's really pitchy and goes waaaaay off note more than a couple of times. Oh dear. Bollocks.

Marcia's shirt blinds me with it's brightness and then Marcia wows me with her occasional brilliance - telling Nicole that too many of them are putting licks where they are unnecessary. Sing the motherfucking NOTE. She doesn't say motherfucking, but her left sleeve snarls at Nicole and her collar sneers menacingly. She then loses all points by saying she still did a good job. Oh Brown Sugar. Kyle enjoys Nicole's rather Ricki Lee inspired booby top but points out that she throws away all the emotion of the song to be mechanical and again, Theatre Girl, I expected more and when KYLE SANDILANDS picks up the angst in the lyric of this song and you don't? Wow. That's just . . . wow. We all need to have a good long look at ourselves. Dicko agrees with Kyle about the interpretation and says it was too juvenile and unsure of itself and needed to be commanding. G crinkles his adorable face at her and makes her feel instantly better. Me too.

Sidebar: Can we as a nation please stop encouraging Katy Perry? 'Kissed A Girl' was bad enough but her new song 'Hot n Cold' is just woeful.

Reasons I should be grateful to whatserface. When she was booted off Idol in Season Two for her AWFUL rendition of The Beatles 'We Can Work It Out', she was unfairly bottom two with Chanel Cole - who shouldn't have been anywhere NEAR the bottom two after her fucking AWESOME rendition of 'Across The Universe' (people who didn't vote for Chanel after that performance? Please kindly go to hell.) - and basically if whatserface hadn't gone, then possibly Chanel would have and Chanel went on to do Joni Mitchell's 'A Case Of You' and Sam Brown's 'Stop', both of which were awesome and we would have been denied those performances. So. Thanks for getting booted when you did RL!! (Also, the many MANY times the Grossly Unfair Booting Of Ricki Lee is mentioned on Idol, I giggle hysterically - so it's good for that too.)

Luke Dickens is next (Jocelyn)Wild(enstein)Card and I got a text from Shaneequa during rehearsals to let me know that his performance of Robbie Williams number 'Angels' left her feeling personally violated. Let's see if it's THAT bad. It's not that bad, but then I obviously have a higher tolerance for pain. His voice just doesn't suit this at all, the gravelly thing doesn't work and I'm scared for the angel's he's loving instead. Run away angels, run away!

Kyle says they've seen him sing better and makes a bikie joke. Not the best they've seen him but he hopes he still makes it through. Dicko calls him a rough diamond but says they can't allow him to progress just on story. Luke thinks he needs to improve on his nerves and higher notes and Dicko praises his big notes - which were nice, I'll give him that - and hopes he makes it on the Idol JOURNEY!! (Sorry, it's a TWoP thing . . . ) Marcia tells him he needs to learn how to control his voice and that if he gets through he needs to ask as many questions as he can of the other singers and the people who work on Idol - especially the grip and the best boys, those guys can give you some excellent vocal tips. G comes out and speaks shearer to Luke, he drops "mate" and "missus" into the conversation like he was born speaking it.

Reasons I should be grateful to whatserface. She got straight through from her semi final and we didn't have to listen to a (Girls Gone)WildCard performance from her. Silver lining!

Fosse's favourite girl Roshani Priddis gets the next (I love Billy)Wild(er's Some Like It Hot. Man, Jack Lemmon was a honey when he was young)Card and sings an infinitely less annoying Alicia Keyes song than Madam Parker, it's 'If I Ain't Got You' but it's still an opportunity for oversinging and lots of 'mmm mmmmmm'ing in a husky undertone. This is a huge improvement over her last performance and is quite commanding (and only a little off. In bits. Little bits.)

Dicko says finally she's back! He says that although the vocal wasn't 100%, she had heart and committment and he's got a little crush now, thanks. Marcia congratulates her for getting over her nerves. She also salutes her story telling ability - and her right sleeve purrs at Roshani as the patterend section over her heart smiles girlishly and waves. It's the first time she's made Kyle go '"wow" and he thinks her vocals are like sexual chocolate. G quickly adds that it's Cadbury Chocolate and smarms in a G-ish way. Good smarm, smarm that is still sexy, that's not easy you know, G and The Clooney are the only people on the face of the planet who can do that and not look like complete dicks.

Dude. They Wild(ebeest)Card Mr Proper Enunciation James Spargo and the son of a bitch is singing a song I desperately wanted Moppet (Ben McKenzie) to sing last season, Five For Fighting's 'Superman'. Damn you Spano! Don't fuck this up. The over enunciation is gone, but he's still terribly earnest and the high notes do NOT do him any favours, avoid them James, avoid. Okay, cheesy performance style aside (which he can work on), I didn't hate that. I suspect Moppet would have made me cry tears of ridiculous happiness but James didn't make me fall to the ground in a purple fit, so good for him!

Marcia says she can hear that he's taken on what they've said to him. Kyle agrees that he's changed a bad habit into something good and is concerned James has that whole serial killer thing, where he'll be revealed to be a freaky sexual deviant cutting into young men's heads and his neighbours will be all "I can't believe it, he was such a nice, quiet guy who always got his rubbish bins out on time". Dicko calls it a huge improvement, but still wants more twists and turns and doesn't know where he'd place him from a marketing point of view. Kyle thinks it's older, lonely ladies and man, they want this guy to be the second coming of Irish and it ain't happening guys. Nu-huh. No. Way. Jimmy yells at him and James does that horrid thing where he mimes holding a phone to his ear as Mathieson reads out his numbers. Erk.

Reasons I should be grateful to whatserface. When Chanel and Daniel Belle were here doing a cabaret type thing, I was their driver for the evening, getting them to and from a party and they totally had the demo of the Spook CD with them and they played it in my car and at the party and then when I dropped them off Daniel INSISTED on staying in the car to listen to the final track because he still had reservations about the ending and he and Chanel had opposing positions and he's leaning over from the passenger side backseat and Chanel is leaning in from the passenger seat and the song is playing and they're both looking at me and going "Tally, you hear it, right?" and I just looked adoringly at them and agreed with both. Good times. Sigh. Oh, yeah, umm whatserface. As we were leaving the nightclub to go to Sunny's for the party, Ricki Lee texted Chanel. Yeah, that story isn't really about her, is it, damn.

Country singer Brooke Schubert gets the next Wild(when I visit Wales next year I want to spend a lot of time in)Card(iff) and she's countrying it up with an awesome song choice for her - Trisha Yearwood's 'How Do I Live'. She could do this version or she could do the LeAnn Rimes one, it would all be countrylicking good. Man, she has great range and she just sings it simply and the way it's meant to sound and hits every freaking note. It will not be right if she's not in the Top 12, this is easily one of the best performances of the whole semi's so far. Damn. I like a country singer! Ha!

Kyle says she's a hard one for him and says there's nothing about her not to like but he still doesn't care and dude, we'll get her to do a Pussycat Dolls number for you next so you CAN FUCKING RELATE TO HER, SHALL WE? Pillock. Dicko insults us all by saying we won't get that she's a country singer and then compares the audience to Kyle and DUDE, that Trisha Yearwood song did pretty well here and still gets regular play on the milder stations and her's is the country version, LeAnn's is the pop version. Marcia agrees and talks about the crossover that a lot of country artists have been doing to mainstream and just when I think she's going to get this right and say Dixie Chicks, she instead name checks Keith friggin Urban and just because he's on the cover of Who Weekly with The Botox Queen doesn't mean his music has crossed over. Then Kyle remixes 'Cotten Eye Joe' and 'Thank God, I'm A Country Boy' and one is country yes, but the other is more zydeco than country Kyle.

Reasons I should be grateful to whatserface. Ummm. 'Can't Touch It' is brilliant to jog to and is on my playlist for the gym on my iPod. So, thanks? (Her new song 'Wiggle It' however, is the crappiest piece of crap I've had the misfortune to listen to since Katy Perry's 'Hot n Cold')

Second last Wild(my uncle got me a Greater Union movie)Card(for Christmas last year and I tried to use it on Friday when Red and I saw 'Hellboy II' and you can't use them at Village Cinema's even though they're THE SAME PLACE WITH DIFFERENT NAMES. I may have been angry about that. Sorry Concession Stand Chick getting $10 an hour.) is Jonny Taylor and he's singing a song by the blandest band ever to sing about bland things in a bland way, Hootie and the Blowfish's 'Let Her Cry'. And I have to pause the tape and giggle before we go any further because Jonny is just so dark and angsty looking and he's singing a song by a group who were loved by Ross from Friends. Ross loved Hootie. You don't get lamer than Ross on Friends. ROSS. Even Rachel was cooler than Ross. Jonny doesn't even really try and reinterprate this and actually, is he even hitting the notes? See Jonny, the lameness of Hootie has SUCKED all the angst and cool that is you and it is gone, man. You may not ever get that back, that's the anti-awesome that is Hootie.

And of course, Kyle thinks Hootie is awesome and it was brilliant song choice. Kyle is Ross. That means Dicko is Chandler, G HAS to be Rachel (the hair, right?), Mathieson is totally Phoebe, Marcia is Monica and if we make whatserface Coulter Joey, then she gets her own horrible spin off that we can gleefully watch crash and burn and get cancelled. See! Fired!! Eh, Dicko ruins my Friends analogy by agreeing with Kyle about song choice. But if I remember that episode correctly, Chandler also enjoyed Hootie. And Monica made out with one at an after party they went to. Marcia tells him he's been resurrected and no Marcia, The Messiah is sitting bored on the sidelines waiting to get to the Top 12 performances already. Can anyone see if he's wearing a hat?

There's only one spot left in the Wild(Echo)Card(iogram) and Sophie Paterson is still sitting there so all the other contestants pretty much know it's not them and I hope this means Brooke Wilke is still sick and can't sing a note and THAT'S why she didn't get one. And sorry little Frenchboy Olly and The New And Improved Natalie and John Butler-ish Matt. Better luck next time. I can't remember, but I'm almost certain none of you are near the age limit so we'll see you next time, kids. Dicko gives her mad mad MAD props so if she doesn't get the audience vote, they'll WCJudge her through, no question. OH. MY. GOD. I LOVE this Jason Mraz number 'I'm Yours' and I've spent the last two weeks hearing it on the radio and it NEVER gets back announced so I didn't know who sung it or what it's name was so I googled part of the lyric and found out and got so excited iTunesing it and downloading it that I was late for rehearsal last Thursday. It's GREAT, go download it now. What an awesome song choice. It suits her and she's doing it kind of the way he does but she's also put her own quirk on it too and along with her version of 'Satisfaction' on Weds, she has totally won me over, even with some of the bum notes she hits.

Dicko is really thrilled with how she's developing and loves how she interprets songs and he just can't wait to see what she'll do with the themes they have coming up. I want to play with her too Dicko, so put her through thanks! Marcia's shirt is grinning from sleeve to sleeve. Marcia uses her time to tell the other contestants not to give up. Sophie looks slightly lost and I guess that means she hasn't been watching Aus Idol over in the UK, Brown Sugar rarely makes a lot of sense Soph, you'll get used to it. Kyle loves her shoes and dress. He's also a fan of the vocals, but is concerned about the quirky. He's a little gunshy after Breanna broke all our hearts last year Sophie, don't take it personally.

The boys take us through all the performances and I completely forgot Amanda even performed. Wow. Sophie to get the audience vote. The judges will put either Luke or James through for the boys (sorry Jonny, I don't think you'll get in) and then the other girls might be Roshani and Brooke, possibly Amanda if they definitely want a rock chick this year, maybe Nicole if they want a Theatre Girl. The boys throw to whatserface who says Axel 'Would You Like To See My Penis?' Whitehead will be performing for us tomorrow night as time filler and do you think we'll see The Gauc at all this season? I bet we get Irish, Coulter will do one of her tunes at some point, maybe Guy will come to spruik his latest New Orleans inspired cd, but no Gauc.

Reasons I should be grateful to whatserface. Yeah. I'm tapped, I got nothing.

TallulahBelle out.

Fast Forward

Right, so Thursday night I got home from rehearsal really really late and didn't have time to watch Idol. Since then I've been busy (my hair is no longer dark brown, it is carrot top red and IT WAS PAINFUL) getting ready for my new show and have barely had time to watch the tape - a lot of it has been fast forwarded and that's basically how this recap is going to go as well. It's a quick one folks, with me barely pausing to note the things I loved (Brooke), the things I hated (Brooke getting chewed out by Dicko and Kyle for singing 'another' ballad when she's barely had two minutes of screen time and then NO ONE telling Madam off for singing the same song she originally auditioned with. Hypocrites. They're lucky I don't have time to be scathing.) and the things that were freaking awesome (Mathieson dryly smacking down Dicko and Kyle for see above.) I'm not even going to have time to remind you how much I think having whatserface Coulter co-hosting is a tremendous mistake. Take it as a given. She's still fired.

Next through to the Top You May Need The Y Chromosome To Get In Here 12 is the brilliant Mark Spano. G is wearing the skinny tie tonight - look, the boys are swapping clothes, can a common law marriage be terribly far off? Mathieson announces Teale Jakubenko's jawline is in and notes that the Top 12 is remarkably boy heavy, and yeah. We need some girls.

First cab off the rank (and I nearly forgot that, phew!) is Irae Schwanke - Jesse McCartney's 'Beautiful Soul'. Pitchy, his high notes are not good. This might have been a good song choice (catchy as hell as it is) but it just isn't sung well. I'd venture to say this might have been the worst performance of the semi's. The judges say stuff, I fast forward (have a speed run, tech and dress to get to today, lets just do it people).

Kayla Vanzetta - Leonardo's Bride 'Even When I'm Sleeping'. Kayla's taken the mantle of stupidest hat off The Messiah by rocking a beret on Idol. Frenchie Olly is the only one who could have gotten away with that. It's pretty, if a little oversung and lacking in power but it's very very pretty. The judges say stuff and Kyle calls her a twisted, albino Emo, which ha! Fast forward the rest though, sorry Dicko, I'm sure whatever you said was brilliant and spot on so I'll just blanket agree with you. Next!

Ugh. James Spargo. Snow Patrol's 'Chasing Cars'. He comes across as a nice guy but if he cries ONE MORE TIME I'm going to drive to Sydney and smack him across the head with a copy of the videotape of him overenunciating the LIVING FUCK out of everything he sings. Also, Jacob Butler kind of rocked this song last year in the semis and he gave it a really dramatic ending. Thing is James might have a good voice but WHO CAN EVEN TELL? It's just too too much.

Brooke Addamo is my pick for tonight. God, I hope she gets through, we need some girls!! Jewel's 'Foolish Games'. She steers away from the trademark Jewel nasal singing and although it is pitchy in places, it's still the best of the night. She has good control. I like her.
Judges talk SHIT. Specifically Dicko and Kyle (oh sweet JESUS, Marcia is the voice of reason?) talk shit. Dicko comments that she's sung six ballads in a row and that she's not listening to him - and then he completely stops making ANY sense at all. He rabbits on about her taking a ballad as her first single to radio stations and failing. Dicko? Isn't the first single that you MAKE the Idol release a motherfucking ballad? Are you guys for REAL?? They harangue the girl for about five minutes about this and she's remarkably poised and doesn't throw down her microphone and clothesline Dicko IN THE THROAT. Man, I would have dug my high heels into his thorax for pulling this bullshit on me. I LOVE MATHIESON. Who comes out and points out that Australia's only really seen her NOW and he and Brown Sugar almost bump chests as they stick up for Brooke. Vote her in! Thanks! Next!

Jonny 'no h' Taylor. Elvis? 'Hound Dog'? Really? And it's like the Nick Cave remix version of Hound Dog. It's actually not a bad intepretation, slow and he's given it angst and oh, he's now singing the normal version. My face has literally dropped in disappointment. I like Jonny but I'm not won over by this.
Judges = fast forward. No time, need shower and coffee and then have a 45 minute drive to the theatre . . .

Pimp spot goes tothe pimpiedest (not a word) singer of the comp thus far Madam Parker of the big RnB voice and annoying song choice. Alicia Keyes annoying song 'No One' Madam wails it in that annoying tone that Alica does. I am annoyed. She's a good singer but FUCK I hate this song. She has happily shook the EmilyTheColdlyAnnointedOne vibe and I don't get to the fast forward button in time to not hear Kyle say that if she wants to wear tracki's on stage, she should and WHO ARE YOU? That's SUCH a lie. If she did that, Kyle would shred her to pieces. Tiny wee little trilling pieces.

Madam will go through. That's not even a question. The boys were all crap tonight so it has to be a girl, IT HAS TO BE, please let it be Brooke. Please please please?

I'm off to a very very very long day and I make absolutely no promises that I'll get to Wildcard tonight. We'll see. Ricki Lee? Still fired.

TallulahBelle out.