To start with, until Jensen is awarded the honorific of the 'The' and becomes The Ackles, he will never ursurp The Clooney. George will ALWAYS be #1. It's #2 to #5 who fight it out on a regular basis. It USED to be; The Clooney, David Tennant (Doctor Who), Jon Stewart (from The Daily Show), Seth Green (Oz from Buffy) and Ryan Reynolds (abs, facial hair and smart arse mouth from Blade:Trinity) but there's been a shakeup in the lineup recently and therefore; it is obviously time to update The List. So that The Clooney, Jensen and the rest know where they stand. And so that maybe now their publicists will leave me the hell alone.
1. The Clooney. 598 straight weeks at number one!! He's the undefeated heavy weight Champion of the . . . erm . . . The List!
2. Gareth David-Lloyd. Plays Ianto on Torchwood. I am SO besotted with this Welsh boyo. And he's more than happy to make out with boys - his character is bi on the show and makes out with Captain Jack Harkness all the time - which you know I completely and utterly LOVE. Wheeee!! (Captain Jack himself is played by John Barrowman, who is gay in real life, otherwise he'd be on The List. I don't allow gay men on The List, there needs to be some aspect of the merest hint of slight possibility that if the world ended and only myself and one of my Listee's were all that were left, that we could potentially repopulate the planet. Also, if I allowed a gay guy on The List, it would totally be Neil Patrick Harris; based purely on Dr Horrible and his legend . . . wait for it . . . dary portrayal of Barney on How I Met Your Mother. NPH for the Emmy this year, bitches!!)
And Gareth has a fantastically hot Welsh accent. I'm so enamoured of the Welsh thing at the moment (blame BBC Wales *shakes fist*) that I'm saving up for a holiday back there to bask in the Welsh sun and all the gorgeous elongated vowels I can get my ears on. Random strangers will be accosted and forced to speak to me. Anyone named Dylan, Myfwany or Daffyd will be excitedly "awww'd" over. If they can recite Under Milkwood in actual Welsh whilst standing at the Roald Dahl Plass in Cardiff, they will be . . . hugged. You totally thought I was going somewhere dirty with that, didn't you? Mind out of the gutter people, we don't want an international incident. Both Gareth and Jensen were ADORKABLE at all the ComicCon conferences I may or may not have geekily youtubed. You know, if they would only make out with each other - man, The List would be DONE. I could absolutely close any and all future rankings, laminate this puppy and call it a night. They'd catapult to joint number one placing and you'd have to show me back to back screenings of Oceans 11 and From Dusk to Dawn to remind me who The Clooney even is.**
3. David Tennant. And believe you me, The Doctor did not take the move from 2nd to 3rd at ALL well, the big baby sulked for DAYS.
4. Jensen Ackles. Honestly? I watched Dark Angel when it was on years ago and had no clue how hot this guy was. I recall thinking him rather cute and something of a smart ass - which I am a big fan of (see Reynolds, Ryan; love of). But after watching him (I just finished Season Two this week) play Dean Winchester on Supernatural?
Dude.
Dean Winchester is HOT. Hot hot hot hot hot. Seriously? Crying over his father's grave in an alternate reality that's actually just a fantasy concocted by a genie to keep him happily comatose so he can drink his blood? Hot. Pretending to be a PA on a filmset with a headset and a walkie talkie and stuffing his face with tiny philly cheesesteaks? Hot. One single perfect tear dropping from his GORGEOUS green eyes whilst his poor little brother who can't keep a girlfriend alive for the life of him, has to go into the next room and put a bullet in the skull of his werewolf chippie? Hot. Crying over the corpse of his brother who was just slain by a freakishly powerful child of That Yellow Eyed Son Of A Bitch (tm Dean)? Hot. Sacrificing his life for his little baby brother to bring him back, therefore leading to him being shredded by hellhounds at the end of season three and totally causing ME tears when that happens (I've seen pictures and my new best friend JV is hooking me up with S3 as soon as humanly possible because he's sick of hearing me ramble on about The Hotness of Dean Winchester and how much I'm missing it)? Hot. Putting a bullet into aforementioned That Yellow Eyed Son Of A Bitch using the Colt That Can Kill Anything, You Betcha Baby, Suck On This You Bastard Who Killed Our Mom? HOT.
5. Jon Stewart. Jon is a grownup and is not affected by his downward move to the number five position (David). Plus he's been on The List for so long, he is fully aware how fickle I can be and that all he needs to do is arch an eyebrow in my direction, dryly drop into conversation that this week on his show he's going to be interviewing The Clooney, Madeleine Albright and making fun of Dubbya and hey presto! He's slotted right back under The Clooney. Heee. Under The Clooney. Oh, the mental pictures . . .So that's where we stand. Today. Right at this very moment. But The List is such a fluid living creature, and you just know I'll see the movie Wolverine, in which Ryan Reynolds plays Deadpool (such fucking awesome casting that I almost can't breathe thinking about how much The Awesome it is. And Liev Schrieber, Ryan Reynolds and Hugh Jackman in the one film? If there's a scene with the three of them on screen at the same time, I will have a lustladen coronary) and he'll be straight back onto it.
Sigh.
I might avoid watching The Daily Show for a couple of weeks to give the guys some breathing space. I mean, if I accidentally catch any Robot Chicken or Season Three Buffy, Seth Green will Oz himself right back on as well.
Extra heavy and heartfelt sigh.
I should just bite the bullet, admit I'm a fame whore who is obviously not getting enough sex in the real world and up The List to a Top Ten. Because the Top Ten includes Jake Gyllenhaal, Ryan Gosling, Seth Green, Ryan Reynolds and Nathan Fillion. Now if only the world WOULD end and leave just the eleven of us. (And if Rachel McAdams survived as well, that would be ace. I'd patch up that whole break up between her and Ryan Gosling. And Maggie Gyllenhaal. Who would, for obvious reasons, be allowed to help repopulate the world with everyone but her brother. 'Cause that's just wrong.) It's just so hard. They're all so hot and I've spent so much time thinking about this . . . . . . .
. . . . . excuse me. I need to go take a cold shower and have a lie down. I'm exHAUSTed.
** And yes, I am aware of the inherent strangeness of allowing boys who make out with other boys on The List and not gay men. Does that make me homophobic? I'll check with Fosse. I can't risk my handbag status on this list, people and really, I'm more than happy to make it a Top Eleven and move Neil Patrick Harris into the room next to Fillion. MORE than happy. Suit up, NPH!
