Sydney, part the first and second.

Okay, Sydney. This bastard is two hours of pointless auditions, time filling bollocks and more whatserface Coulter than the Geneva Convention allows for. I've just had a massage and can already feel the tension creeping back into my shoulders as I sit down to watch two hours of taped Idol so lets not waste any time, let's just do this and get it over with; remote control and fast forward button at the ready, skip the dross - and oh my god, was there a LOT of dross over the Thurs and Fri shows.

Part the first.

It's raining, raining, raining (men) the day of the Sydney audition as Marcia and Dicko await Kyle's appearance for panel. I start humming Incy Wincy Spider under my breath as Dicko gets the message that Kyle is too sick to front (this is also the same time that he was too sick to host Big Brother and Mike Goldman took over and showed Kyle how hosting should be done. Thanks for killing BB off for us, Kyle and Jackie O - you showkillers, you. Any chance you could take over Dancing With The Stars for a season? That would be ace, thanks!) and indeed, the rain has washed old Kyle right out. Dicko barely restrains himself from an evil genius laugh as he confesses to Marcia that his master plan is to get rid of them both and be the last man standing. I'd be totally cool with that. My name is TallulahBelle and I approve this message.

20 year old beauty Roshani Priddis has a great voice but is totally rocking Callea Orchestral Conductor Hand; that is, as she sings one of her hands indicates to you how high the note will be that she's about to sing, the hand goes up, the hand goes down. It's freaking annoying to watch once you get to the Top Twelve and they give you a full camera body shot of the contestant and all you can see is the conducting - Anthony Callea was the worst culprit, but I am pleased to say when I saw Wicked just over a week ago, he didn't conduct ONCE as Boq. He did attempt to trill though. Bad Callea. Fosse wants to adopt Roshani and have her sing to him daily, but Callea-isms drive him fucking nuts and tying her arms to a chair whilst she sings would be just cruel.

During the crowd scenes, some chick sings 'Forgetful Lucy' from 50 First Dates. It's very cute. Mathieson dances as she sings. Heeeeee. And famewhore Nancy Lovato is just there to get her mug and wobble board on the teev but she's having so much fun with Dicko and James that I forgive her. They show us whatserface meeting Her Biggest Fan and they sing together for what feels like about an hour. This show is not about you Ricki Lee. Fuck. Off. Fosse cringes as I screech at the tv and for the first time this season - but not the last - he sighs and reminds me that a) they can't hear me, that b) they filmed this weeks and weeks ago and that c) I'm insane and he wants a gay man/straight woman divorce (this is more commonly known as a 'Will and Grace'.)

Matt Parsons (17) is rocking a full on John Butler voice and look. Fosse worships at his feet. I'm not as convinced but his didgeridoo playing and subsequent renditions of both Goo Goo Dolls and Michael Buble songs are great intepretations and he doesn't sound like John Rzeznik or Buble. He's won me over completely and gets a standing ovation from Dicko. Fosse makes a HUGE call. If Matt makes the Top 12, he'll be his favourite. Make a note, I'm totally holding him to that.

Fosse fast forwards through Ricki Lee's indulgent bullshit faux audition but I make him play the tape so at the end I can hear Mathieson bust her for losing Idol. Again. Bless you, James . . .

Top 100 returnee Natalie Colavito (21) tells us she's conquered the nerves that kept her from making the semi's in the previous year and she's ready for this now, thanks very much. She starts off singing low and soars into some very big notes at which point Dicko asks her if she's just going to do songs 'like that' - he wants to see her connect with simple lyrics. Marcia thinks she uses her voice as a weapon and wants her to try and like herself and damn, but I'm actually appreciating Brown Sugar a bit this season. She has taken the hint from the ditching of Holden - and yes, there's no Holden this episode either, I'm totally starting to believe that he won't make an appearance at ALL - that she needs to step up and actually constructively judge this season.

28 year old Simon Phillips and his eyebrows are giving me a total Marty Simpson vibe. He's all about passion and blah blah and sings a song he says is about Martin Luther King but which actually seems to be about Rosa Parks. He has a nice voice but I hate his song. It's self indulgent touchy feely twaddle. Dicko loves him and his original. Yeah, Dicko loved Marty Simpson too. Much as I love him, the man ain't right all the time (just most.) He's through and I pray that he doesn't go the way of Marty. He does have a better voice, so there's that at least.

And the audition I've been waiting for since they showed a snippet of it the very first show is from 25 year old Wes Carr who sings 'All Along The Watchtower, who he namechecks to Jimi Hendrix. Fair enough, but he's totally doing the Dylan version - he's reintepreted it AWESOMELY but it's still based on the Dylan version. I hate his hair but man alive, his voice and style is ROCKIN'. Dicko thinks he's the best thing to audition for Idol ever and gives him a manly hug. Awwwww. Marcia reminds him he can't use his guitar on the show and we'll see about that, I bet they totally get to use instruments again this year. I'm going to be singing this song to myself all day now, it's exactly what happened after the season 3 finale of Battlestar Galactica when they used that song there too. Love him.

Part the second.

Day two and first cab off the rank is really really ocker shearer Luke Dickens (25) who is laconic to the point of comatose. He sings Joe Cocker's 'The Letter' just like Joe Cocker, only without the strange arm thing he does. He's really quite shouty and I don't think he's that great at all. Marcia thinks though that it would be nice to have someone in the competition who represents the country and is she forgetting cowboy Mitchell Steele from the QLD auditions? Who also had a better voice? He's through anyway.

Mathieson dubs Robert Jeffrey the Terracotta Harry Potter - and again, bless you Mathieson. The 18 year old is another contestant we've seen already in the Can You Feel It ad so we know he gets through. He turns quite scarlett as he belts out Thirsty Merc's 'Twenty Good Reasons'. I have to dye my hair a similar shade of red next Friday for the play I've got opening in a few weeks so I feel a kinship with him.

They briefly show us the lovely voices of 17 year old's Nicolle Viegas and Seth Drury but it's blink and you'll miss them time again. Instead we get to spend what feels like most of the show with young, single mum Madam Parker who is Emily Williams II; The Second Coming, Electric Boogaloo. (Actually, she might be the third or fourth clone of Emily Williams we've had since Emily . . . ) Ugh, she's singing the horrid Alica Keyes number 'No One' - honestly, a more whinging song I have not heard in recent times, I hate it. She's very very RnB. I don't love her at all. Dicko thinks she's terrific, as does Marcia, but they need to build some dramatic tension or some such shit and put her in the 'maybe' pile and make her sing again later in the show. Twice - we need to see her twice? You barely showcase some singers at ALL but we have to see this one twice? Fuck off, show. Bad form.

16 year old Olly Corpe is French but has lost an astounding amount of his accent for someone who has been in Aus for only four years. He sings nicely but not brilliantly. I think that may be poor song choice because he has a good voice. Dicko calls him sweet, Marcia comfortable and they put him through. He cries a little. He's SO European.

Thankfully this show there's been way less Ricki Lee. And less Kyle. And still no Holden. Woo! And a quick crowd shot of Ben McKenzie from last season! Moppet!!!!!! We misssss you . . .

The guy from Williamstown Musical Theatre Society's production of The Wedding Singer (he played the Adam Sandler role, Fosse saw it and thought he was great) Turanga Merito (23) sings the same song as Terracotta Harry Potter. His voice cracks a little but it's still quite good. He goes through but Fosse informs me he's in the professional touring version of High School Musical (. . . there's such a thing? Good god.) so he can't make the semi's, can he? We shall see.

19 year old Dylan Jaeger is a prettier woman than I am. That is just so wrong. But I sing better than he does, so we'll call that a draw.

The Maybe's come back for their second try and ye gods, Madam will just about stomp on my very last nerve, I can already tell. She unhinges her jaw and caterwauls exactly like EmilyTheColdlyAnointedOne used to and I'm over her already. Fosse loves her and thinks I'm a bitter, nasty hater and just because I disliked Emily, I shouldn't automatically dislike Madam. I shoot back that it's their style of singing I find completely and utterly objectionable, thank you very much and then we argue like an old married couple for twenty minutes about it. (I win. Don't believe a word he says, I totally win.) Madam gets through and the two other Maybe girls who sang sounded much better and heaps less shrieky than her don't, and I'm resigned to seeing her make the semi's. Gah.

18 in total make it through from Sydney. So lets see, we got 34 from Melb, 18 from Perth, 18 from Brisbane, 6 from Adelaide, 6 from London and 18 from Sydney. That's exactly one hundred singers. The Top 100 is finally a true Top 100! It's a little crazy that I'm SO very excited about that, right? Man, I need a new hobby.

See you Sunday night for the Actually Truly For Real Guys, Top 100.

TallulahBelle out

Sign here, thanks.

Idol's international, baby!

But first the Barossa Valley where we're getting drunk on glasses of pinot, sauvignon blanc and cab merlot. Allllll mixed together in the one barrel! Yummy! Whoo hoo! We're toasted, man! And still the show makes more sense sans Holden! Yeah! (Also, celemotherfuckingbrate the lack of whatserface Coulter on tonight's show. It's The Awesome. Actually, The Awesome comes later in the show in the form of a teeny, tiny exYoung Talent Time star and the gay guy from Savage Garden and his new excellent haircut.)

Jaunty behatted triple threat Joseph Giardina (21) is trying to circumvent The Ground Rules. I have no time for you, sir. No time. Away with you.

Can You Feel It ad cutie, 16 year old Tom Williams is another kid who has been waiting to audition for four years - you are making me feel so very very old, show. It doesn't help that he looks about 12. An adorable 12 but still 12. He sings 'Waiting On The World To Change', the very song that Dean Geyer sang when he was in the final three with Jess Mauboy and Damien Leith and the song that made Mark Holden look down the camera and demand that Sir Des let him record it as a single because it would be a massive hit. God, I do NOT miss you Mark. Tom sings this about a BILLION times better and I can't say it enough, he is freaking aDORable. He's reminding me of last season's Ben McKenzie - but more commercial. The judges could not love him more and send him to Sydney - is his mum or dad going to chaperone?

Sidebar : G's hair is looking better tonight, it's ruffled and not so . . . merchant banker. Can I blame his wife? Excellent.

G and Mathieson drink some more. Lots and lots and lots. It won't make some of these singers sound any better boys, there isn't enough alcohol in the world.

They waste an ASTOUNDING amount of time with 23 year old James Butto who doesn't get a single one of the jokes that Dicko, Kyle and Marcia make at his expense. He massacres Robbie Williams, then the Bangles (causing Dicko to CRY with laughter) and then a little Leonard Cohen. Oh sweet jesus. Marcia honks and snorts and Kyle makes Shrek jokes. Make him LEAVE. 'Over The Rainbow'? Get the fuck off my screen, dude. OFF.

(Seriously, the drumming Cadbury gorilla has not worn out its welcome yet and I've seen that ad about twenty times in the last couple of days. Hilarious.)

16 year old Jessica Vogel is a performing arts student whose singing verges on the shouty just a little bit too much. She's projecting. There's no one sitting in the gods, darl. The judges are right there. Pull back and you've got a good voice. Oh, but there are too many sixteen year olds in the Top 100. Sigh.

20 year old Jess Griffin did this two years ago in the semi finals of the Season Of Irish :

"Spunky Jess Griffin has made a terrible error in judgement. She's singing Christina Aguilera's song Fighter. This is such a balls to the wall song and I firmly believe that Xtina's the only one who can sing it with any conviction. Jess starts out off the beat annnnnnnnnd stays there. She is obviously flustered that she fucked up so quickly that she gets pitchy and breathy and looks like she's going to burst into tears. It's an absolute mess, this is such a shame because every other time we've seen Jess, she has exuded confidence and charisma. I want to look away when she kind of taps herself on the forehead as if to say 'stupid' three quarters of the way through the song. She's right though. Stupid. Marcia and Jess "woahhhh" at each other and agree that "that was a hard one". Jess sighs that she lost control and Marcia actually critiques someone - "you were ahead of the band, behind the band, you didn't trust them and you let yourself down". That's the Marcia equivalent of beating your adopted daughter whilst screaming "no wire hangers" . . . (only Joan Crawford fans will get that one . . . ) Mark "oh Jess"s for about thirty seconds while she practically begs for his forgiveness, he notes that she can't let nerves get to her like that because she'll crash and burn (gee, you think??) but he still 'digs' her. Mark, can you 'dig' her out of the grave she just dug herself? Huh? Little help? Kyle says it was a joke and disastrous and he doesn't want to go on about it but he kind of does a little. G asks her that if she still worked in a pizza shop, what kind of pizza would that be? She stumbles on the answer but finally comes out with a gour-mess. I applaud her chutzpah but don't think she's a real contender to get in the Top 12 or even Wildcard."

(don't you just not miss Holden at all!) I was right, she didn't make Wildcard and this is the first time we've seen her since that fateful, painful performance. She's glammed herself up and has taken the Xtina thing a step further by getting those great pink highlights that start at the bottom of your hair and go up. She gets really breathy and loses it halfway through (sounds familiar . . . ) and barely gets a yes from Kyle. Marcia tells her she lacks focus and that she's bullshitting and she really hurt her feelings last time (the fuck?) and then HOLD THE FUCK ON TO YOUR SEATS GUYS, MARCIA SAYS NO. Marcia. Mother Marcia, Brown Sugar herself, says no after Kyle said yes. She has gotten tough this season, hasn't she? Wow. Dicko calls her a con artist but puts her through.

30 year old James Spargo sings Michael Buble's 'Home' and it's a good impersonation of Buble (which, lets face it, worked wonders for HotCarl last season) but it's not a great voice, it's just okay. Maybe when he sings something else, he'll rock it. In the mildest possible manner, of course. He gets through because Dicko is fully aware that Ladies Of A Certain Age *ahem* love that shit. I think he's referring to those of us who got HotCarl to final three and helped Irish win. We're not easy, Dicko. Don't be giving our love away for free. Boy has to EARN it.

Six are through in total from Barossa (and we got to see FOUR of them!) and then it's time for London. Accents! Big Ben! Crown jewels! Fosse's husband Darren Hayes is helping out, as are the scarily thin arms of Tina Arena (and the rest of her as well). But before we get to the auditions, Mathieson needs to remind us who they both are - you don't really James, we kind of already know - so we get a potted history of their musical JOURNEY!'s - and let's be frank, these two are so much more qualified to do this job than Kyle and even, dare I say, my dearest Dicko. But I wouldn't swap Dicko for anyone, so let's ditch Marcia instead.

Kate James (25) caterwauls Tina's own 'Chains' at her. No free ticket back to Aus for you, dear. Tina refers to herself in the third person and Darren about wets himself with glee.

The English think Australian's are loud, incoherent, alcoholics - and the auditions they show would appear to sustain that theory. The West end inspires too too many people to badly sing showtunes but does segue nicely into Darren and Tina briefly trilling at us and three seconds of their voices has outshined every single person who has auditioned over the last four nights.

Really cute Scott McLintock (27) lost his mum recently and it shows when he sings The Verve's 'The Drugs Don't Work', especially when he hits the line "and I know I'll see your face again". God, his eyes are so sad, he's killing me. Tina looks on the verge of tears as she rests her head in her hand, entranced by Scott's performance. Dicko starts to tell him to work on his big notes because "big notes win votes" and Tina immediately disses the hell out of stupid big notes, saying she's "over it" and that even she has pulled back and made her music more subtle. Then Darren name drops the biggest rock softie of them all, Bono and tells Scott to keep singing from the heart. They "hell, yes" him and he catapults to the top of my current favourite's list.

20 year old Jaden Dowd wears an Australian flag tshirt she made in the ninth grade. Dude, I don't fit into anything I owned in the ninth grade. Maybe some of my shoes. She sings Buble's 'Night and Day' and it's good - as Tina notes, she has a lovely smoky quality to her voice. Dicko picks on her clothes and the gay guy in the room (theirs, not mine, Fosse isn't home) is horrified and tells him he's cruel. Heeee. Clothes notwithstanding, she's through.

Montage of judges being silly and funny and MAN, it's going to be hard to go back to Kyle and Marcia. Tina does a Paula Abdul impersonation and I think Darren is doing Zoolander . . . I don't know, it's funny though.

Professional tourist spook, 26 year old Scott Herdman wears a silly hat and sings okay, but not brilliantly. Dicko and Tina 'no' him. Darren BRILLIANTLY tells him it's a "get-some-singing-lessons-no". God love you, Hayes. The judges are making fantastic critical sense and I'm giddy with excitement about it. Then Darren and Tina bust a whole bunch of people for mimicking, rather than singing and Tina tells one girl to broaden her musical references. I fucking love them both. Can we keep them? PLEASE? I'm so starting a petition.

(Darren bellows 'NEXT' and cracks Tina up.)

24 year old Sigrid Moar sings but she's there and gone so damn quickly that I barely have time to note her name before she's given three yes'es and a ticket to Sydney. Blink and you may have missed her.

Blonde cutie Sophie Paterson (22) has been in England long enough to have herself a little British accent - and actually, that's something, were only Aus citizens allowed to audition? Because Irish wasn't an Aus citizen when he won, so could anyone in the UK have auditioned? Tell us, show! Sophie sings a nice original number and has a lovely mournful quality to her voice. It trembles slightly - in a good way. She transfixes Dicko who loves her unique voice; Darren loves her original song; and Tina surreptitiously notes her mobile number so she can get some new stuff for her next album once the show is over. The judges give her a standing ovation. Sydney, here Sophie comes!

Six singers make it through from London. I gotta say, although Sophie and Scott were wonderful - six? Was it really worth the plane tickets for Dicko and the crew? Although yes, Mathieson sat on a double decker bus with auditionees, singing Khe Sanh . . . so maybe. And we actually saw five of those singers - I wonder who the sixth was.

Tomorrow and Friday we swoosh back to Sydney and a shaggy haired gentleman who is awesomely going to sing Bob Dylan's 'All Along The Watchtower'. Yet another song I never dreamed I'd see/hear performed on this show. I like it.

TallulahBelle out

Queensland. Bring out your insane.

There are many MANY things about Queensland that qualify as 'normal';

Authors David Malouf and Nick Earls are from Brisbane. They have both been seen in the same room at the same time. Utterly normal.

Actors Barry and Miranda Otto were both born there. Obviously at different times as Barry is Miranda's dad. No time travel involved, no weird space time contiuum freakishness happening there, just basic biology. Completely normal.

Winton in Queensland is known for having the worlds best collection of dinosaur tracks. Not remotely strange. That's SCIENCE, you don't get more normal than a bunch of paleontologists agreeing that Winton rulz, otherwise Ross on Friends wouldn't have been a paleontologist (and Ross was the really normal one.)

Granted, it gets rather humid up there and I'm not a huge fan of the sun, but I have been led to believe that my dislike of the sun is in fact the not normal part, and the sun itself is completely meteorologically apt and normal.

My good friends Bodie and Freya live in various parts of Queensland. They're substantially normal. Although I did hear that Freya's son had sprouted another foot. I'm almost certain she means upwards though and not that she needs to buy one and a half pairs of shoes these days. Still. He could have eight feet, two heads, only breath in time to the tune of Mozart's Seventh Concerto, consume nothing else but green beans cooked on Tuesdays and shoot fiery sparks from his nostrils when he sneezes and he'd STILL be more normal than the freaks who came out of the woodwork for tonight's episode of Idol. Most of whom we will be ignoring because of The Ground Rules. (Although one or two may have slipped through. I'm not made of granite, people. Sometimes you just HAVE to point and laugh.)

There was too much whatserface Coulter (and when did she become an International Superstar?) tonight but this was luckily counterweighed by the third consecutive night of a total lack of Holden.

Beau Mossop (25) sings AC/DC more badly than it is usually done. Who'd have known that was even possible? Bon Scott, all is forgiven. (Also, I'm really into Back In Black at the moment. Blame Jensen Ackles and Supernatural and the first time you see the Metallicar tooling down the highway in the first episode. Mmmmm Jensen . . . ) Beau pretty much sings the whole damn thing and . . . yay for your level of enthusiasm sir, but they've pulled your leg letting you even get this far. Which was very mean of them and we'll be talking about that when we get to another contestant very very soon.

Kiss impersonator. Dude, we already have Lindsay West, we have fulfilled our quota of glam rock tribute guys, thanks for playing.

Oh. The really sad and annoying story of Aicha Robinson (16. Yeah, it's AWESOME to mock and humilate the young.) Now, Aicha does not sing her song well at all. She pummels it around the head and beats it into a bloody submission. Marcia chastises her for her vulgar performance and Aicha's heart breaks into a billion pieces - because see, Aicha hasn't just performed this song once, she's performed it several times. To the original audition panel, to the producers, to everyone who decides that a vulnerable sixteen year old girl who can't really sing, should be allowed nonetheless to be put in front of a panel who will turn on her in a heartbeat if she shows the slightest vulnerabilites. Yes, yes, it's all very well and good to say she knew what she was getting into. But did she? Or was she given just enough encouragement by all those people she saw before the judges to think she legitimately had a chance? And right there is one of my pet peeves about this show (of which there are many and they are legend). I don't give a fuck if you humiliate the hell out of the famewhores in their pirate costumes and their 'funny' antics but the people who actually think they can sing but obviously can't? Please spare us those people. I'd rather watch an entire show of famewhores than see one more deluded soul bursting into angry tears because they got a little homespun truth from the panel. Especially when it then degrades into Aicha comparing her embarrassment here to the Iraq war.

Let's get on to some actual singers, shall we?

22 year old Teale Jakubenko's jawline and eyes immediately pique Fosse's interest (and also Dicko and Kyle's, who know the gay men - Fosse nods affirmative - and the confused middle aged ones as well - will be All About Him. Not to mention some of the ladies. He's quite lovely.) He sings rather well, if a bit quavery - lets call it nerves, shall we? I'm feeling generous.

Chick dressed up as an egg singing a song about pussy. Really, Brisbane?

Chrislyn Hamilton (17) is the one person who I've paused to listen to everytime they play that Can You Feel It ad. She sounds amazing in that ad but I've held back on besottedness until this point. She's not a small girl. She's large, she's zaftig and Dicko has visions of PoorPoorCasey dancing through his head so he needs to know if she's happy as she is. Dude, she's 17, NO ONE is happy with themselves at 17. She answers his question by giving them an Aretha Franklin number. Smart girl, remind them that you don't have to be size ten to blow the roof off the joint. Her voice is good, really good. The girls are looking fabulous this season. I'm not besotted yet . . . but she has major potential.

22 year old model/actress Vaughn Newman totally thinks she has this in the bag. Now, she doesn't have a bad voice per se, but it's unremarkable and limited. Dicko harshly tells her it was rubbish and they get all ghetto with each other until it comes crashing down on Vaughn that he's serious and she bursts into tears and calls Marcia 'honey'. Which awesomely leads to Kyle asking to call Marcia 'Brown Sugar'. That is so her new nickname this season.

Kyla Vanzetta (16) has wanted to audition since she was 11. They think she has the look. She certainly has a few different looks going on; beehive, late 80's eye liner, knee socks. Luckily her voice is pretty sharp and she gives Brown Sugar a 'moment'. Dicko calls her 'dollface', he's SO Guys and Dolls . . .

Sidebar: The new 90210 credits better have SOMEONE mock punching someone in the jaw twice in succession when the music calls it for it, just like Dylan and Jason used to and there better be a 35 year old playing a 17 year old or it just won't be the same.

Third time is hopefully a charm for serial auditioner and familiar Top 100 face, Irae Schwenke (21). He's doing this for his son, which is lovely but . . . wrong. He has a great gospel voice but we've had a multitude of gospel singers go through this competition and only one has ever come close to winning - Guy Sebastian, of course - and Australia doesn't really have the music industry to support a plethora of gospel singers. Which is why the other gospel singers from this comp have disappeared or joined the Young Diva's.

21 year old Brooke Schubert sings 'Songbird' a little too nicely, which - again - didn't know you could do that with this song. She also goes off pitch a wee bit but that might just be nerves because she has a fine tone otherwise. She has that light and shade thing that Brown Sugar is always harping on about. See her in Sydney.

Cowboy up! Klancie Keogh from Season Four has sent us a couple of friends. First up is 16 year old Mitchell Steele. Dicko likes the 'idea' of him - a pop sensibility with country style - but doesn't think his voice is ready yet. Kyle disses his 'brows. They are significant. He brings in his brother 27 year old Dallas Steele (and man, that's a country 'n western name if I ever heard one) who has a serious country voice. It's got that whole american twang going that Nashville creams itself over. The judges won't have a bar of it. There is no room for country proper in this show, sir. Only faux country. Mitchell is in, Dallas is out.

Crazypants Remy Wuromus (28) finds it hard to audition in front of the judges. Also, she has her perio-you know . . . we don't need to know.

The adorable Drew Crump (23) helps me shake off that performance of 'God Only Knows' that Brianna Carpenter did last season. His voice is lovely and soaringly sweet. I'm in love. He's awesome. He's also humble and self effacing to the point where Dicko has to tell him he's better than he thinks. He's in. He is also, unsurprisingly, The Last Person To Audition Who Totally Gets Through Completely And Utterly Unexpectedly.

So. Singers. Check. Weirdo's. Check. Queensland done with 18 through to Sydney. Check. Done. On to Old Blighty and Adelaide.

TallulahBelle out

Next.

Gah. I have BOLTED home from rehearsals, washed the blueberry stains from my face ( . . . it's a . . . long story), changed into my pj's and climbed into bed with my laptop and my second favourite battery driven bedroom device, my remote control. (My first favourite battery driven bedroom device is a Tardis money box. Yes, I am absolutely that sad. It has The Doctor and Martha pictured inside the door and when you put money in, it makes the whooshing Tardis noise and then The Doctor speaks. I tend to giggle uncontrollably when it does that. God. Why don't I have a boyfriend again??)*

*Okay, maybe I'm lying about my favourite battery driven bedroom device but my MOTHER reads this blog. Hola Mamma! I'm still a virgin! It's all Q's fault! She made me get one! Quickly move on to the next paragraph and we'll never speak of this again! See you at Christmas!

As we back the hell away from Too Much Information Land, let me further note before we get into this; it is 23.48 (I like military time), I'm ready to press play, I'm a year older than I was last night when I wrote the first ep of Season Six and my face is itchy and needs moisturiser. It's time for my old home town of Perth to take centre stage and I'd like to take this moment to also add; episode two and STILL NO HOLDEN. This continues to make me happy.

Oh. And remember the Ground Rules. No famewhores. Let us begin.

Hello sandy beaches, glistening ocean, lovely sunsets and Mathieson rubbing in the knowledge that despite Cosima and two of the Murphy brothers, Perth hasn't ponied up with a winner yet. I'd like to point out James, that the last two years in a row Perth has given you that guy who dresses up as a green dinosaur and dances, which equals roughly twenty total minutes of audition show, so don't tell them they've given you NOTHING. But if he appears today I will be ignoring his sweaty, costumed arse. And the kid dressed as Scooby Doo. Avert your eyes!!

Oooh, taped Idol means I can fast forward through the shite. Excellent. Straight on to 23 year old bipolar sufferer Bianca Long who impresses Kyle with her eyes. Her unique voice and Nina Simone song choice intrigues Marcia - who then jumps straight into Mother Marcia mode by reminding Bianca that the world of Idol is a tough one (especially for women. Ask PoorPoorCasey, ask TeamKate, ask The Gauc. If you can FIND THEM.) surrounded as it is by hateful faceless bloggers (!) and that it might be especially tough for someone with bipolar. Bianca seems to have a pretty good attitude about the whole thing and the boys give her a big yes.

Sidebar: The new Cadbury ad featuring the gorilla drumming to Phil Collins 'In The Air Tonight' is fricking GOLD.

Thank you show for wasting TWO MINUTES AND TWENTY NINE SECONDS on Andrew Youel and his Jane Austen DVD collection. The BARELY TWENTY SECONDS you then spent showing us quirky songstress 17 year old Brooke Wilkie and her lovely sounding voice was too much really. No, you're right, it WOULD be crazy to actually give us some background on her and the multitude of people she had with her, she can only sing and play the guitar, screw that, we don't need to know who she is yet, I'm sure you'll give her adequate coverage once we get to the Seymour Centre so yeah! Bring back Andrew, I miss him!

Idiots.

Bewhiskered builder Jonny Taylor (22) sings on scaffolding at his worksite - does that qualify as WorkSafe? - and tells us he's going to sing a song that's about his deceased uncle whose spirit he 'felt' after he had a motorcycle crash . . . huh? No, actually, stick with this, it's not bad or as weird as it sounds. The song is okay, the voice is better; it's dark and strangely calming. A teensy little bit Nickelback but not enough to annoy - Jonny makes it through. Nicely different. Excellent. Like him.

Wee Scottish lass Angela McComiskie (29) has chosen the worst possible song to audition with, it's shouty and doesn't highlight her voice At All. Kyle tells her flat out it was theatrical, which - we are painfully aware - he HATES. Dicko knows it's StoryTime On Idol (the producers slipped him a note) so asks for her whole life freaking story and then Builds The Drama in a completely legitimate way and tells her to take ten minutes and chose a song - and this is not at all because they're paying whatserface Coulter good money and they need to show her doing SOMETHING at some point during the show. No. That would be cynical of us to assume and we're better than that. She comes back and bursts out with 'What A Feeling' from Flashdance and incredibly unfortunately for all concerned, a fat guy in a leotard does NOT start dancing for his life behind her. It comes down to Dicko who is going to put her through the wringer before he puts her through to Sydney - oh for crying out loud, get on with it guys. Do we need this much time on Angela? She seems lovely and has a nice enough voice but she is not going to make it through the Semi's (if she makes it that far) to the Top Twelve and she's definitely not going to win. Can we please have more of that Brooke chick? Give us people WHO MIGHT WIN and stop wasting my time.

*fast forwards through the weirdo's*

*ten minutes later*

23 year old wrestler David Wallis takes on Kyle in a wrestling match and Dicko can hardly contain his glee. David pins him a couple of times and seeing Kyle's face smooshed into the parquet is some of the best television since that season when the pig farmer girl pretended to knife him in Queensland. Remember that? Good times. David is so exhausted and puffed he can barely squeeze out a tune but Kyle is pretty funny when he good naturedly berates his bodyguard for being missing whilst a guy who's about to sing Rick Price pinned him to the ground. Dicko sends David out to catch his breath and when he comes back he has a nice voice but he loses it completely when he tries to falsetto. Silly rabbit. The Idol Falsetto was surrendered for all perpetuity to Irish during his first audition two years ago and no one has been able to get their grubby mitts on it since. Kyle yes's him through with a promise of a rematch if he makes it to the Opera House Finale and then Andrew G hugs hum. Man, he beat up Kyle and hugged G. That's the dream right there, people.

Oh jesus, the dinosaur is actually back. Oh, Christopher Bachman, please hurry up and turn 31 and stop coming back. Thanks.

25 year old Ginger Sweet Mendoza (her real name) busts out some medical advice for other aspiring singers with colds and then Kyle wrangles her life story from her - abandoned by her mother, raised by her grandparents; they clearly want tears and recriminations, but Ginger is very matter of fact about the whole thing. Guys, she has a fever, she has no time for your bullshit, she wants to sing, get her ticket to Sydney and go home to bed. Sore throat aside, she throws attitude and vocal chops at the judges - she's struggling slightly but man alive, she's kicking it! It's a little shouty but I'm willing to theorise that she's compensating. She's also fairly adorable so yay for her!

Brodie Owen (16. Too young. Too young. Get back to school dude, catch yourself some waves and come back in two years. This show will RIP YOU TO SHREDS). Like last year's sixteen year old Matt Corby, he's chosen Supersititous as his audition song - and next season I want to see a ruling that outlaws this song from all male contestant auditions. He sings it quite well and he's charming as hell, but he's so young. Oh, please don't. But they do. And then he yells out 'Ocean Reef' and holy hell, he goes to my old high school. Sigh. Go forth young man, we'll do our best to keep you young and undamaged. Also, your mum is lovely.

18 in total through from Perth. And no one has sung any of Marcia's favourite songs thus far this season. Huh.

On to Brisbane tomorrow night and we'll get to finally hear the zaftig lass from the Can You Feel It ad and ascertain for sure if her voice really is that hair raisingly awesome.

TallulahBelle out.

Feeling It.

My dearest, darling Season Six!

Oh, how I have missed you. Might I dare to hope that the feeling has been mutual and you have missed me? I am heartbreakingly aware that we parted on bad terms last season, let's be completely upfront and honest about that. I mean, I loved The Gauc. Thrilled she won. (A little dumsquizzled as to where the hell her actual CD is, but you know, I'm SURE you'll explain that in the first week. Or two. The first month? Or you can choose to completely gloss over The Mysterious Disappearance of The Gauc and we'll just call her Casey Mark II and never speak of her again). But by the end of last season, I don't know if you noticed, but I and most of the country? Didn't give a flying fuck who won or lost. I barely watched the finale and frankly, that was more for The Divinyls than anything else. I'm not sure what else happened that night.

So this season, before we get started I'd like to set some important ground rules. Ground rules that I feel aren't completely out of the realm of do-ability. Ground rules that I feel we can stick to, that will mend the fences around the broken home that is our relationship. I know that last time I felt like this about Us, you gave me Damien Leith. That may possibly be the best Save of a relationship EVER. I mean, I felt lost. I was contemplating moving on to another show and dividing our assets. And then? You gifted me with the gorgeous, honey voiced Irish. (Seriously, have I thanked you for that recently? Thank you.) You have made an awesome start by ditching the ever flowing fountain of bullshit that makes up Mark Holden (but if I'd known you weren't going to keep him around, I might have celebrated the final 'Touchdown' he gave last season a little more. I would have choreographed a dance. Written a song. Recited some bad beat poetry and slaughtered a fatted calf in your honour with thanks.)

The Ground Rules; Firstly, I will NOT be lending any credence to the fame whores and idiots who are just there to get their mugs on the teev. No, thank you sir. I've had enough of gorilla costumes and if I want to see a superhero, I'll just go see The Dark Knight again, thanks.

Secondly, I have been made aware that a Ms RickiLee Coulter (??) will be appearing on your show as a type of 'mentor' to the kids. And look, it's your show, do what you want, but if you take time away from Andrew G and James Mathieson; I. Will. Be. Pissed. 65% of the greatness that is the show that is Idol is their schtick and if you detract from that, I will be forced to detract from your face. She therefore, does not exist to me. Unless I can call her Chanel. And also, if she is replaced by Chanel.

Thirdly. Marcia's penchant for calling every second song she hears, one of her favourites, became a drinking game last season that nearly killed me. It's been eight long months of AA and not being able to eat my grandmother's trifle at Christmas. This season, we're going to try something different.

Fourthly. I don't really have a fourthly. I'm sure I'll come up with one. I reserve the right to at any point in time bring in a fourthly. And a fifthly. In return, I will endeavour to pay attention - and more importantly, CARE - right through to the finale.

On to the first auditions in Melbourne! And the first positive outcome of A No Holden Idol is the Judges Table as we finally get Dicko back where he belongs, sitting in the final seat, giving the last opinion. Thank GOD. The closing words said to a contestant after they sing will never start with the phrase 'I'm not familiar with that song'. Ever again. Excellent.

First up is James Sidebottom . . . heeeee. (Oh, shut up, he's used to that, his surname is SIDEBOTTOM, he went through primary school with it, I'm sure his skin is appropriately thick.) James is a 25 year old self taught guitarist and chiropracter. Um. I'm sure they don't mean he taught himself chiropract-ing. I'm certain he passed all the requisite exams and has all the legal documents required to be safely laying his hands on Mathieson in the manner he is. His voice has a lovely, husky Johnny Diesel-ish quality to it, whisky sweet. First through to Sydney and we're off! Huzzah!

We are SO not talking about Mark I who happily wallops the heck out of Mika's 'Grace Kelly' or Mark II who takes the final note of whatever the hell he sings and makes it last about eight awful minutes. Nope. Moving right along.

Busker Chris Fatouros (25) sings some dirgey thing that appears to be in about three different people's range. Kyle thinks he's "excellent", Marcia "intensely intriguing" and Dicko loves his "intensity". He's the second shown as through and the first to confuse me. Really? I totally didn't get that. It's going to be a long season, I can feel that.

Hot tamale Sacha Rudolph (18) brings out all the cliches - music is her life, passion for singing, save the starving . . . hordes? That's . . . new for a reality show about singing. It's more America's Next Top Model. Ooookay. How are her vocal chops? Not as good as her 'tude. Dicko suggests she get a job with World Vision and Marcia gets quite snarky and sends her on her way.

27 year old Sarah Carnegie has played at Manchester Lane! Site of the last time I saw Irish play live and the spot where he signed a CD for me 'fiddle dee dee potatos' and didn't even look at me a little strangely when I asked him to. Love! (Oh, Damien Leith. Can you audition again?) Back to Sarah, who advises us she is having a torrid and steamy longterm love affair with music - when she starts singing I immediately request if they're interested in a threesome. Her voice is gorgeous. The judges join in and make it an orgy of loving - at which point both Sarah and I use our safe words and back out when Kyle takes off his shirt - and pop her straight through. Oh. Yeah.

Kyle is repeatedly disappointed by the hot girls who can't sing who tramp past the audition panel (pun intended), until Tatum Jackson (21) saunters through and gives us a quite lovely Natasha Bedingfield number. The panel creates some Drama by sending her out to whatserface Coulter to find something 'pop'ier because no one knows who Natasha Bedingfield is, right? She comes back and sings that annoyingly cute 'Bubbly' song. OH!! FOURTHLY, I reserve the right to absolutely and positively REAM THE FUCK out of anyone who sings that fucking 'I Kissed A Girl' song. Bad faux lesbian pop is NOT welcome on My Show, 'kay thanx. Anyway, Tatum's second chance is cute - it still gets a no from Dicko but Marcia and Kyle yes her right through.

Um. The Naked Cowboy? Not so naked. Also, I suspect not really a cowboy. Or a singer. Why is he even here? Has he left poor unsuspecting tourists in New York who want to take photos of themselves with him, with nothing to do? Put some clothes on and get out of my country. Although you may leave your three million and the hat. I like the hat.

From Nowhere (sorry) comes 23 year old Casey Freeman who kneels on the floor with her guitar and sounds like a female Jack Johnson which = awesome. She's pretty cool and the judges acknowledge that and quickly put her through.

Rebecca Simani (18) needs her best friend in her audition with her - call me cynical but I imagine the producers suggested that . . . luckily her voice is pretty awesome and carries her through.

(I know I said no fame whores, but HOW can I go past the three girls who sing Dick In A Box, complete with props, without applauding? I can't and I won't. Kudos ladies. Fucking A. For Awesome.)

17 year old Brooke Addamo brought her entire street with her. She blues up a GREAT version of Coldplay's 'The Scientist' and then we get a backstory that features the first of the Eternally Awesome Idol Parentals - her (step)Dad is really cool and visibly chuffed. Awwwww.

Amanda Grafanakis (24) is the first familiar face from the Can You Feel It ad. She rocks out 'Mother Mother' by Tracy Bonham, a song and artist I have to say I NEVER thought I'd see/hear on Idol. She scrapes through.

And then we come to Lindsay West (30) who made it through to the semi finals of Season Three and is back to try again. Confession time. I was BRUTAL about Lindsay. Mean to the power of three. And Lindsay, who - I'm still fuzzy on how - found my blog and read the mean(cubed) things I said about him, was remarkably cool with it. He awesomely saw the humour in the situation and the fact that editing can make anyone look like a dick (especially, in his own words, when you give them enough ammunition). Regardless, Lindsay has been really great about sharing background info about his original time on Idol, the machinations, the process, he's invited me (and the crazy kids from CC) to see him live (awesome). He has, in short been pretty fucking ace about it all. He sings pretty solidly but it's just not the same when he doesn't have a kicking band backing him. How have I still not seen him do the KISS thing? Dicko isn't a huge fan, but Kyle and Marcia are both pretty chuffed to see him taking advantage of the new ruling last season that previous semi finalists can re-audition (and also no doubt remember that Lindsay makes great tv. Love him or hate him.) Bring it. (And we've kind of recently had this conversation Lindsay, but get a haircut young man! And stop bringing Jake Gyllenhaal into it.)

Vesna from Big Brother!! came with a hair rocker who can't so much rock. Still, we miss you on our teev, Vesna.

Steve Jaz (27) busts out his best 'Maniac' and squeaks through with yes votes from Marcia and Kyle.

The escapees from the VCA Musical Theatre course give us a quick montage of blergh auditions for Wicked and Shane Warne; The Musical (a real musical, for real, I'm not shitting you, Shane Warne; The motherfucking Musical. For. Real.) but they lead us to perky redhead Nicole Banks (18) who jazzes a GORGEOUS number at us in a fantastic voice. Dicko calls her delightful! She really is! Shaneequa texts to dub Nicole as my early favourite. I reply in the affirmative but frankly all the girls thus far have been outstanding. Go the Chicks!!

G and Mathieson walk the St Kilda pier and discuss Great Stuff That Came From Melbourne. They . . . forget to mention me. Boys. You scamps.

Our second auditionee who we already know from the Can You Feel It ad, is Thanh Bui (25) who belts out a total boy band song, sung in a total boy band manner. Dicko busts on him for the vocal gymnastics but his voice is kind of ace and he whizzes through.

The Last Person To Audition Who Totally Gets Through Completely And Utterly Unexpectedly is Mark Spano who used to have a burgeoning career with a screaming rock band but who Cosima'd and hasn't really sung since. His voice has a nice roughness about it but when he arcs his throat back and belts out some notes, I worry terribly - 'ware the polyps Mark! Marcia touts him as the best voice she's heard on the show in years. Ummm. Marcia? Irish was only two years ago. Two. So, shut up Marcia.

In total 34 singers make it through from Melbourne to the Top One Who Are They Kidding Hundred. Tomorrow night Perth (and my birthday!), then on to Brisbane, Adelaide, London and Sydney, which is apparently SO big they have to show it on two nights. Unless - and lets hope THIS is the case - it's because the shows only go for half an hour. Yeah? Yeah.

TallulahBelle out.