Sydney, part the first and second.

Okay, Sydney. This bastard is two hours of pointless auditions, time filling bollocks and more whatserface Coulter than the Geneva Convention allows for. I've just had a massage and can already feel the tension creeping back into my shoulders as I sit down to watch two hours of taped Idol so lets not waste any time, let's just do this and get it over with; remote control and fast forward button at the ready, skip the dross - and oh my god, was there a LOT of dross over the Thurs and Fri shows.

Part the first.

It's raining, raining, raining (men) the day of the Sydney audition as Marcia and Dicko await Kyle's appearance for panel. I start humming Incy Wincy Spider under my breath as Dicko gets the message that Kyle is too sick to front (this is also the same time that he was too sick to host Big Brother and Mike Goldman took over and showed Kyle how hosting should be done. Thanks for killing BB off for us, Kyle and Jackie O - you showkillers, you. Any chance you could take over Dancing With The Stars for a season? That would be ace, thanks!) and indeed, the rain has washed old Kyle right out. Dicko barely restrains himself from an evil genius laugh as he confesses to Marcia that his master plan is to get rid of them both and be the last man standing. I'd be totally cool with that. My name is TallulahBelle and I approve this message.

20 year old beauty Roshani Priddis has a great voice but is totally rocking Callea Orchestral Conductor Hand; that is, as she sings one of her hands indicates to you how high the note will be that she's about to sing, the hand goes up, the hand goes down. It's freaking annoying to watch once you get to the Top Twelve and they give you a full camera body shot of the contestant and all you can see is the conducting - Anthony Callea was the worst culprit, but I am pleased to say when I saw Wicked just over a week ago, he didn't conduct ONCE as Boq. He did attempt to trill though. Bad Callea. Fosse wants to adopt Roshani and have her sing to him daily, but Callea-isms drive him fucking nuts and tying her arms to a chair whilst she sings would be just cruel.

During the crowd scenes, some chick sings 'Forgetful Lucy' from 50 First Dates. It's very cute. Mathieson dances as she sings. Heeeeee. And famewhore Nancy Lovato is just there to get her mug and wobble board on the teev but she's having so much fun with Dicko and James that I forgive her. They show us whatserface meeting Her Biggest Fan and they sing together for what feels like about an hour. This show is not about you Ricki Lee. Fuck. Off. Fosse cringes as I screech at the tv and for the first time this season - but not the last - he sighs and reminds me that a) they can't hear me, that b) they filmed this weeks and weeks ago and that c) I'm insane and he wants a gay man/straight woman divorce (this is more commonly known as a 'Will and Grace'.)

Matt Parsons (17) is rocking a full on John Butler voice and look. Fosse worships at his feet. I'm not as convinced but his didgeridoo playing and subsequent renditions of both Goo Goo Dolls and Michael Buble songs are great intepretations and he doesn't sound like John Rzeznik or Buble. He's won me over completely and gets a standing ovation from Dicko. Fosse makes a HUGE call. If Matt makes the Top 12, he'll be his favourite. Make a note, I'm totally holding him to that.

Fosse fast forwards through Ricki Lee's indulgent bullshit faux audition but I make him play the tape so at the end I can hear Mathieson bust her for losing Idol. Again. Bless you, James . . .

Top 100 returnee Natalie Colavito (21) tells us she's conquered the nerves that kept her from making the semi's in the previous year and she's ready for this now, thanks very much. She starts off singing low and soars into some very big notes at which point Dicko asks her if she's just going to do songs 'like that' - he wants to see her connect with simple lyrics. Marcia thinks she uses her voice as a weapon and wants her to try and like herself and damn, but I'm actually appreciating Brown Sugar a bit this season. She has taken the hint from the ditching of Holden - and yes, there's no Holden this episode either, I'm totally starting to believe that he won't make an appearance at ALL - that she needs to step up and actually constructively judge this season.

28 year old Simon Phillips and his eyebrows are giving me a total Marty Simpson vibe. He's all about passion and blah blah and sings a song he says is about Martin Luther King but which actually seems to be about Rosa Parks. He has a nice voice but I hate his song. It's self indulgent touchy feely twaddle. Dicko loves him and his original. Yeah, Dicko loved Marty Simpson too. Much as I love him, the man ain't right all the time (just most.) He's through and I pray that he doesn't go the way of Marty. He does have a better voice, so there's that at least.

And the audition I've been waiting for since they showed a snippet of it the very first show is from 25 year old Wes Carr who sings 'All Along The Watchtower, who he namechecks to Jimi Hendrix. Fair enough, but he's totally doing the Dylan version - he's reintepreted it AWESOMELY but it's still based on the Dylan version. I hate his hair but man alive, his voice and style is ROCKIN'. Dicko thinks he's the best thing to audition for Idol ever and gives him a manly hug. Awwwww. Marcia reminds him he can't use his guitar on the show and we'll see about that, I bet they totally get to use instruments again this year. I'm going to be singing this song to myself all day now, it's exactly what happened after the season 3 finale of Battlestar Galactica when they used that song there too. Love him.

Part the second.

Day two and first cab off the rank is really really ocker shearer Luke Dickens (25) who is laconic to the point of comatose. He sings Joe Cocker's 'The Letter' just like Joe Cocker, only without the strange arm thing he does. He's really quite shouty and I don't think he's that great at all. Marcia thinks though that it would be nice to have someone in the competition who represents the country and is she forgetting cowboy Mitchell Steele from the QLD auditions? Who also had a better voice? He's through anyway.

Mathieson dubs Robert Jeffrey the Terracotta Harry Potter - and again, bless you Mathieson. The 18 year old is another contestant we've seen already in the Can You Feel It ad so we know he gets through. He turns quite scarlett as he belts out Thirsty Merc's 'Twenty Good Reasons'. I have to dye my hair a similar shade of red next Friday for the play I've got opening in a few weeks so I feel a kinship with him.

They briefly show us the lovely voices of 17 year old's Nicolle Viegas and Seth Drury but it's blink and you'll miss them time again. Instead we get to spend what feels like most of the show with young, single mum Madam Parker who is Emily Williams II; The Second Coming, Electric Boogaloo. (Actually, she might be the third or fourth clone of Emily Williams we've had since Emily . . . ) Ugh, she's singing the horrid Alica Keyes number 'No One' - honestly, a more whinging song I have not heard in recent times, I hate it. She's very very RnB. I don't love her at all. Dicko thinks she's terrific, as does Marcia, but they need to build some dramatic tension or some such shit and put her in the 'maybe' pile and make her sing again later in the show. Twice - we need to see her twice? You barely showcase some singers at ALL but we have to see this one twice? Fuck off, show. Bad form.

16 year old Olly Corpe is French but has lost an astounding amount of his accent for someone who has been in Aus for only four years. He sings nicely but not brilliantly. I think that may be poor song choice because he has a good voice. Dicko calls him sweet, Marcia comfortable and they put him through. He cries a little. He's SO European.

Thankfully this show there's been way less Ricki Lee. And less Kyle. And still no Holden. Woo! And a quick crowd shot of Ben McKenzie from last season! Moppet!!!!!! We misssss you . . .

The guy from Williamstown Musical Theatre Society's production of The Wedding Singer (he played the Adam Sandler role, Fosse saw it and thought he was great) Turanga Merito (23) sings the same song as Terracotta Harry Potter. His voice cracks a little but it's still quite good. He goes through but Fosse informs me he's in the professional touring version of High School Musical (. . . there's such a thing? Good god.) so he can't make the semi's, can he? We shall see.

19 year old Dylan Jaeger is a prettier woman than I am. That is just so wrong. But I sing better than he does, so we'll call that a draw.

The Maybe's come back for their second try and ye gods, Madam will just about stomp on my very last nerve, I can already tell. She unhinges her jaw and caterwauls exactly like EmilyTheColdlyAnointedOne used to and I'm over her already. Fosse loves her and thinks I'm a bitter, nasty hater and just because I disliked Emily, I shouldn't automatically dislike Madam. I shoot back that it's their style of singing I find completely and utterly objectionable, thank you very much and then we argue like an old married couple for twenty minutes about it. (I win. Don't believe a word he says, I totally win.) Madam gets through and the two other Maybe girls who sang sounded much better and heaps less shrieky than her don't, and I'm resigned to seeing her make the semi's. Gah.

18 in total make it through from Sydney. So lets see, we got 34 from Melb, 18 from Perth, 18 from Brisbane, 6 from Adelaide, 6 from London and 18 from Sydney. That's exactly one hundred singers. The Top 100 is finally a true Top 100! It's a little crazy that I'm SO very excited about that, right? Man, I need a new hobby.

See you Sunday night for the Actually Truly For Real Guys, Top 100.

TallulahBelle out