You suck.

Tut tut.

Australia, dear foolish, misguided stupid Australia. You suck. No, really. You suck. I mean, I get it, I do – Lana is cute, she is in fact unbelievably pretty and don’t get me wrong, she can sing. This isn’t a Laura Gissara situation where a rather mediocre and at times painful singer has been put through to the Top 12 on a pity vote and we’ll be punished week after week as she caterwauls her way through the back catalogue of My Favourite Songs Which I Can Never Ever Listen To Again, Thanks. No. Lana has a good, if slightly unremarkable voice and if she can shake the whole Musical Theatre thing that she’s currently got going, then she might do well, but putting her through over Cheray? Or Sally? You suck, you totally and utterly suck and I’m not talking to you at the moment. Put Ben through tonight and we might be able to try and work this out. Maybe.

Softly spoken pocket rocket Tarasai is put through first and thanks everyone for voting for her - someone may have spoken to her about alienating the Idol watching portion of the audience who don’t want her own personal Jesus shoved down their own personal throats because she wisely leaves Him right out of it. G goes to read out the next name and Mathieson already looks ticked off about what’s coming and even Lana is surprised she got through. She is lovely and gracious to the other girls because she obviously legitimately thought one of them would go through and I can’t dislike her for this, I don’t blame her, I blame YOU. (Well, maybe not YOU you, but the You out there who voted for her . . . oh, you know what I mean.) Let’s just get to the boys, quickly please so I don’t have to look at poor Cheray and Sally anymore – see you at Wildcard girls.

Husky voiced Mark da Costa is tackling Led Zeppelin’s ‘Whole Lotta Love’. He’s left the ubiquitous leather jacket in the car but wisely has neglected to shave for two straight days, giving him that stubbly rocker look that I am a stupid sucker for – if he was wearing a little eye makeup and nail polish, I would be on the floor lying in my own puddle of drool. Fosse calls him “fucking hot” except for the Baby Mullet which has disappointed us both and taken a little of the shine off him – seriously, let's reintroduce conscription so Youths of Today can get decent haircuts and YES, I am also looking at YOU Matt Corby, Marty Simpson and Jack Byrnes. He sings really well and he has a stupendous voice and he growls the FUCK out of this number, but this performance really needs a massive lighter waving, head banging, stoned out of their gourds crowd of deadheads to really make it work. It’s still pretty damn awesome and as rock as I’ve ever seen this show – Chris Murphy’s ‘Evie’ aside.

Marcia reminds us that the Led are her vintage and she can see he enjoyed it and she hopes Australia did. Marcia, Australia just voted Lana in, Australia is currently in a time out and can NOT come out until it apologises and votes in Kevin Rudd, okay? Kyle calls him the real deal but feels like he saw some reserve and caution, inviting everyone on the panel and sitting at home on their couches to immediately jump down his throat and label him a cretinous moron. Mark lauds his brilliant phrasing, his tones and timing but then backhands him by calling it a classic reproduction. Dicko who probably went to high school with Robert Plant and carried his books for him, tells us how The Plant did that song in one take (impressive) and that quite frankly, you don’t fuck with the classics. He then makes love to John Foreman and the band and quite correctly too, because they ROCKED that song, muchly. He also points out to the other contestants that THAT is how you play a gig without a guitar. Mark is chuffed by the judge’s lapdance of ecstacy they’re giving him and Mathieson calls it a cracking start. Can’t get any better, you'd think? You'd be wrong. I was . . .

Before he comes out and sings, I lament once more to Fosse how very very young and wrong for this competition I think adorable little moppet Ben McKenzie is. Awwww, he’s wearing epaulets and wouldn’t look out of place on the cover of Sgt Peppers – he actually reminds Fosse and I of our old housemate PGiddy. I’m guessing that one of his favourite films is Donnie Darko because he’s doing the Gary Jewel version of ‘Mad World’ and I don’t know about that Benny boy, that’s kind of a one note song and if you don’t hit the emotion right it isn’t going to work and see, this is just not the competition for you. Ben doesn’t give a flying fuck about my condescending opinion and deposits a big ol’ heaping of Humble Pie for TallulahBelle to eat by transfixing me. His performance is just about flawless, the rearrangement has given him the opportunity to soar, he gets the emotion just right and I adore him. I throw the words haunting and evocative at Fosse and realise I haven’t blinked since he started singing. Ben? I bow down before you and crown you King

Kyle tells him it’s the first time he’s really cared about him during this whole thing, song choice was perfect and he really believed it. Mark, never one to give when he also has the chance to take away, opens by telling the brilliant young performer we just saw, that he’s a pimply faced little nerd and I seethe. He follows up with deadset star and calls his tones and low end sublime, with his high ends so very clean and pure and compliments a voice as good as Ben’s as being gold for recording and I slightly forgive the nerd comment. Dicko is intrigued by Ben and loved how he took such a different attitude to the song then any other version. Marcia makes it all about her by saying that “us singers, we’re storytellers” but goes on to compliment his light and shade, calling his voice outstanding. Holy fuck. Little dude is awesome and he has leapt the tall building that is my opinion in single bound and landed smack dab in first place on my favourites list.

Jack Byrnes does nothing for me and - urgh - he’s singing a horribly earnest bloody song by a painfully earnest bloody band, U2’s ‘Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For’ and I haven’t learnt from the previous Lesson of Ben because I groan and only just resist the urge to fast forward through his performance and if I had, I would have missed the absolute brilliance that was Jack dancing like a cross between Elaine Benes and David Byrne from Talking Heads and the fantastic singing that he lays on us. He gospels the beginning and then SLAPS a gorgeous soul vibe on it and prances around the damn stage like he owns it, cheekily kicking his feet up and scrunching his coat and good GOD but he is singing this extremely well – I can not fault his vocals at all. And I’m confused because this is three GREAT performances in a row and I thought the first group of boys were meant to be the good ones? Every single one so far tonight has knocked it out of the motherfucking park. Mark, Ben and Jack should all be put through now, we shouldn’t even bother with the voting, just put them through now.

Mark loves his great big clean and soulful voice but thought the performance was too mannered, he sees it as a song about frustration and aggro, but Jack replies to him, it’s a song about joy and frankly yes, Jack is right and Mark is an idiot. Dicko chimes in with the Australia wide chorus of “Shut up, Mark” and calls it a classic case of right artist and right song. Marcia tells Jack that whatever boat it is that Mark missed, she was sitting right there paddling with Jack up the river. It was joyous and she loved the version. Kyle expects everyone to do their damndest at this point to get themselves through and Jack did absolutely that, it was great.

That is three TOUGH acts to follow. Poor Dave Andrews . . . who by the way has perfect Clara Bow lips and I just want to slap Rebel Red by Maybelline on them. He frustrates the hell out of me by picking John Farnham’s “Freedom” but bugger me if he doesn’t actually do a pretty good job. Although the arrangement is a little slow for my taste, it highlights the strengths of his voice and he only really falters at the falsetto.

The judges have been so spoilt for choice that they don’t recognise he actually did a good job. Dicko tells him it was tidy but tentative and when he’s following three powerhouse perfs he has to be better then that. Marcia tells him it was very safe, but that’s okay and she hopes he gets another chance to show Australia what he can do – Marcia, Australia has been banished to its room and may NOT leave until it is ready to accept that what it did was wrong. Kyle says it was a good performance but also somehow a dud? I don’t know, he makes no sense and I’ve stopped listening to him now. Mark agrees that it was a hard thing to follow the first three perfs and that it wasn’t enough. You know - if he’d done this Sunday night with the other guys group? He’d have been hoisted upon their shoulders and carried out of Fox Studio’s on pillows to the sounds of a cheering throng, because it was way better then anything we saw that night. He should be proud and the judges should not make him look like he wants to cry.

Lyall Adams and his dimples have made a dreadful mistake. They’re singing ‘Desperado’ by the Eagles. He loses me with his first tremulous line because this is too church-y. Really, only the Eagles and my friend Boonie can get away with doing this song outside of last call at the local karaoke bar and even then ‘Khe Sanh’ usually gets more votes. Lyall’s vocals let him down and I suspect, arrest, charge and imprison his nerves on some fairly damning evidence, he is breathy and blinking madly. That’s a shame, I thought he was going to rocket through this round . . .

Marcia also saw the nerves and comments she could hear his breathing and then – get this! – she ACTUALLY gives some critical advice! She tells him he needs to put his audience at ease and that he actually made her tense watching him and he needs to relax more. Kyle then gets gross about pants and soiling and I’m still not listening to him. Mark calls the Eagles songs deceptively simple but actually quite difficult to get right and that Lyall didn’t hit any of the emotion of the song and didn’t tell The Story. Dicko tells him to work within his limitations and use his personality to get the job done and that he can make it as a singer if he knows what those limitations are. Mathieson visibly resists the urge to wrap his arms around the poor lad.

Final singer for the boys is Marty Simpson who loves him some Dave Matthews – I totally see him sitting on the beach, stoned and eating cheezels, with his iPod on, listening to some Dave Matthews Band and singing about some ants. Tonight he’s doing The Fray's ‘Over My Head’ and I wish he’d chosen ‘How To Save A Life’ but I still like this song, it’s a good choice for him especially. I notice while he’s singing that he doesn’t know what to do with his spare hand and he has a classic I Usually Hold A Guitar When I Sing pose going on, he doesn’t look as uncomfortable as Lisa Mitchell used to but still, it looks neither natural or fun. He also sings kind of flatly and races ahead of the band a couple of times and I can’t tell if its deliberate or not. It seems to not be which does not bode well for him. Frankly, its not great.

Like me, Kyle initially thought this would be the perfect song choice for him but unlike me, Kyle thinks that he did a great job. Whatever Sandilands, you and I? We’re done. Mark tells him he has a high likeability factor and excellent tones when he sings but it all just felt too end of day, surfy, huddled ‘round a campfire – see he should have done some DMB. Marty has Dicko’s favourite voice in the whole competition – meh – and he actually listens to Marty’s audition CD’s – aww, cute – and jokes that he sits outside his house watching him come and go – heeeeeee. Dicko sternly tells His Favourite that he should have made more of the song. Mathieson and G are also heartily OVER Marcia and try to just move on to the closing credits, but Dicko foils their dastardly plan and she opines that they’re all making her feel like she isn’t there . . . we wish, Marcia. She tells him it was great song choice but you know you can do better and blah blah blah aren’t you glad she got to tell him that? I would have been bereft without her sage words of ‘advice’.

As the boys wrap things up, two things hit me; 1) I must watch Ben’s performance several more times and 2) Jack Byrnes TOTALLY reminds me of Bill Oddie from the Goodies. If he doesn’t kick it through tonight and has to be Wildcarded I am BEGGING him to do Funky Gibbon. But really the two tonight should be Ben McKenzie and either Jack Byrnes or Mark da Costa because honestly they all deserve to go through. Dave is the alternate and Lyall and Marty should only be allowed Wildcards. Seriously Australia, if you put Lyall or Marty through based on their performances I will END you. Take me seriously, I am short but I am FEISTY.

Final group of girls consist of two of my faves, Holly and Breanna, the spunky Sarah, rosycheeked Rosie, angelvoiced Morgan and Mystery Girl Madison.