The Gauc, HotCarl and the other two make four. And then three.

Okay. This time I have a legitmate excuse for being soooo late with the Idol recap. Someone had to mediate the altercation between The Clooney and Fabio, and The Clooney only trusts me for that kind of thing; what can I say, yes it is hard to have him lean on me constantly and always be on the phone asking for help and advice – FYI, I’m the one who hooked him up with Soderbergh in the first place and who laughingly suggested one night over wine and cheese in George’s Italian villa that they remake Oceans Eleven and who knew they’d take me seriously, you know he offered to give me his Syriana Oscar as a thank you but I couldn’t, I mean, could I??! – but really, who else can he turn to? I’m also the one who made that whole Spice Girls reunion tour thing happen, all those girls needed was a night of horror movies, gossip, facials and chocolate – sleepovers cure EVERYTHING. I’m known in certain circles* as the pop culture UN - you know if Britney would just return my calls, I could sort out that whole mess for her too. (PS, Brit? Underwear at all times and rehab. Look into both! Kisses, Lulah xx)

* yes, these circles may exist only in my mind but MAN, it’s a happy happy circle-y place where; Veronica Mars is in its fourth season and Kirsten Bell has received many many awards; Firefly is on permanent shirtless Nathan Fillion/Alan Tudyk/Adam Baldwin/Jewel Staite rotation; Gwyneth Paltrow never won the Oscar over Cate Blanchett; Al Gore is President; I got to go to at least ONE of the Crowded House re-union concerts; David Tennant and The Clooney are happy to share me on an extremely fair and equitable roster system; and Chanel Cole won Season Two of Idol and was swiftly dubbed Dame by the Queen. See! Happy. Go there and try it for yourself for a while, you’ll see . . . I’ll wait here . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . you back? Right. First things first, a quick recap of Swing night. Big Band. Judy Garland and Mickey Rooney putting on Busby Berkley style theatrical shows on a budget of a crate of eggs, pennies from their kid brother’s penny jar and the girls from Home Economics making the costumes out of curtains and burlap sacks - Big Band always makes me think of Sunday afternoon movies with Bill Collins.

Carl This Genre Is My Bitch, Right Natalie?? Please Don’t Take This From Me, I Have Nothing Left But My Hotness Risely is first hot cab off the hot rank. He’s (hotly) kicking ‘Me and Mrs Jones’ but is (still hotly but) disappointingly taking his cue from Michael Buble again instead of the infinitely superior (and also quite hot) Robbie Williams version. Now, I’m not usually a fan of songs where people are a’cheatin’ on their spouse, but this is a great song, I'm a total sucker for it. Unfortunately, HotCarl just isn’t the best singer when it comes to slow, soulful ballads, it highlights every (hot) weak flaw in his vocals. Shaneequa nastily texts to compare him to Aaron Neville. I sniff and ignore her because she’s obviously not watching the screen. HotCarl’s shirt is open (hot) and his tie is undone (say it with me, hotttttttttttt) and by all that is good and holy on this earth, take me HotCarl, TAKE ME NOW!

Holden has a spyglass aimed right at me because he tells BlazingCarl that there are ladies all over Australia who are feeling the love. I sit in my lounge and randomly throw new nicknames at the screen - IncandescentCarl, SizzlingCarl, ThermogenicCarl, ScaldingCarl, BlisteringCarl, SmokingCarl . . . sigh . . .

(InsertSynonymForHotHere)Carl's second song is the Harry Connick Jr version of 'Just Kiss Me' and is a fast paced Glenn Miller style BB song, featuring some seriously fast speaknotsoeasy vocals and a lovely moment with the brass section who get to tell him to 'get on with it'. It is laugh out loud FUN and is the kind of performance that Carl has made his within the show, not great vocals but high octane energy and memorable. Oh, and also hot. But you knew that, right?

Marty ByeByeBye Simpson does not care for the genre we call Big Band in the slightest. He could not show less enthusiasm, although granted his demeanour is normally this carefree so maybe he's hated ALL the genres. Well, Marty, they hated you too. I'm not even going to bother recapping him as he's gone, gone GONE, GONE I SAY Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaahaaaaaa . . . sorry, I got a little crazy stuck in my throat there. Suffice to say, I hated his Dave Mathews Band 'American Baby' slightly less then I loathed with every fibre of my being his The Doors 'Light My Fire'. Now, if he'd done 'Light Me On Fire' and followed up with a practical demonstration, I may have been on board. To be fair (and it's about time really) he does have a unique voice, good for recording blah de blah and I might be persuaded to buy his CD, but I will NEVER see this guy in concert and should I catch him busking on the street, I would be FORCED to cross to the other side - the better to avoid eye contact and ear hurtage. Bye Marty, we don't miss you at all 'round these here parts.

Matt I Don't Understand How Y'all Can Look Past The Ridiculous Clothing And Hair And Still Find Him Hot Although His Eyes Are To Die For, Corby totally phones in Michael Buble's version of 'How Sweet It Is' - honestly, its like he's got his iPod in his ear and he's on the train mooching along to school humming it to himself. Bland bland bland. Well sung, but BLANDLY generic with a side order of banal.

There are whispers that young Matt has decided Idol Is Not For Him and the lack of energy and enthusiasm he puts into this and his second song Bobby Darin's 'Beyond The Sea' kind of suggests that might be the case. Also, his scat sucks ass (and is totally about to get shown the door by The Gauc's.) He gets the usual tongue bath from the judges and nervous tinges of conflict from me - I mean, look, I want to like him, he has a good voice and will obviously sell records for the SonyBMG Pop Machine but the Holden Love Train is all encompassing and doesn't stop at my station, it just whizzes past in a flurry of pastel and gibberish. Besides there's no on board catering and the intransit movie is always 'The Goonies'.

I had Natalie I Just Keep Getting Better And Better, Don't I? Gauci's aura read by Shirley MacLaine and you won't be at all surprised by the fact that she is the reincarnation of a melded Billie Holliday and Ella Fitzgerald (with a touch of one of Bai Ling's personalities dressing her.) She comes out to sing the Natalie Cole version of 'Orange Coloured Sky' in a yellow and black beestung number that might have worked if it had been longer in the skirt but who the fuck cares what she's wearing because how frigging awesome does she sound? Her voice PUNCHES through the screen with power and energy and gosh but isn't she having fun?! She moves in time to the jazzy gorgeousness of the beat and my girl crush on her is just in total full on throbbing love, I am love struck. She rocks. In fact, she may be my second favourite girl ever on this show (no one will ever replace Chanel in my heart, but you come close Gauc.)

I own an Ella CD but I'm still not overly familiar with 'How High The Moon', however I don't think you need to be to know that with this final performance of the night, The Gauc has stamped her ownership over this show like a cat marking its territory (yes, that is so much nastier than I expected it to be and I really should have come up with a better analogy.) She bought Big Band and not on sale, she paid full price, and she either made Carl cry a little in the green room or totally and utterly turned him on - and why not, she did me, that dress is KILLER hot and . . . I am straight Mum, I promise, but you've seen her right? She's making it difficult to keep the hetero in my sexual. Her scat is nothing short of brilliant and the whole fantastic thing gets her a Touchdown for the third week in a row. She's just competing with herself at this point as far as I'm concerned, there isn't anyone who comes close to her level of performance, vocally and visually.

Right. So that's that one done. We all danced the victory dance of Go Home, Marty on Monday (although I was at Justin Timberlake and was too busy enjoying the Jaunty Hat, the fab dance moves and the KICK ASS version of 'Cry Me A River' that he did that FINALLY rid my mind of the godawful Daniel Mehsdud version, to do more than a short victory jig. But lo, it was gleeful, ohhhhhh was it gleeful . . . ) and now we move on to . . . . sigh . . . a hard night for me to recap. Coming from the brilliance that was Big Band to the sadly not great but in fact kind of low depths of Is It Over Yet-ness that Audience/Contestants Choice reached. There were only two good performances and neither of them belonged to Matt, so Matt fans, stop reading now.

Gauci Gauci Gauci Oi Oi OY. Audience member Chris puports to be a fan of The Gauc. I ask him then, WHY did he choose Madonna's 'Ray Of Light' for her to sing? Madonna's version has layer after layer of studio distort-y goodness (much like a trifle) and must give Madge heartburn to try and replicate on stage. Natalie suffers much the same fate - she doesn't start off bad, the start is lovely and soulful and very promising - but then she caterwauls into a key that she can not reach comfortably. She looks like she's straining to get there and you can hear it in the top notes, her eyes get The Crazy again which we haven't seen for a while. I HATE that it's not brilliant when she's been so fucking amazing for the last month - gah, I don't want people to vote on this (or rather, NOT vote on this) and forget the awesomeness of 'All The Boys In Town' and 'Man In The Mirror' and practically everything else she's done - Britpop week excused from this list with a note from its mother.

Mark calls her a ray of light but laments that it was a half step too high, whilst Dicko tells her she's an energy saving ray of light and time to move on from the joke now, boys. He shakes his head and notes she's gone from drama and theatre and snapped back to mundane and suburban. Bad song choice, Nat, BAD. Marcia gives her the opp to defend herself and Nat cops to being nervous about the potential Opera House thing in two weeks. Kyle gives it to her straight, calling it a disaster and the worst thing he's seen her do. But lets be fair, her worst is still fathoms better than most people's best, Kyle so back the fuck off.

Her next song is preceded by the annual posing for their CD covers schtick - unsurprisingly, The Gauc looks unbelievably beautiful. She has great eyes, you could DROWN in them and not want to come up for air. Her own song choice is Pink's 'Nobody Knows' and THIS is more like it. By the gods, she sings this well. She builds it superbly and emotes the hell out of it. It really suits that husky natural break that she has in her vocals. MUCH better song choice and outstanding execution. Now go put Natalie in your phone message text area place thing and send to 19 10 10.
Kyle smiles that it was much better and more her, but wishes she'd gotten grubbier with the vocals. Mark calls it a cracking performance, the pitch was perfect, the angst/sadness/intepretation, it was her giving it her all. Dicko's disappointment from her first performance has been swept away as she pulled a rabbit out of her jacksie and I'm sorry, did Dicko just get away with saying Nat pulled a rabbit out of her arse during this timeslot - is that allowed? How did Mathieson and G not jump on that??!! Marcia says that from a woman's point of view, she knew that Natalie felt every single word she sang. Did she feel it in her jacksie though, Marcia?

The lovely Casey picked 'You Give Me Something' by James Morrison for HotCarl and give that girl a shiny penny because that is ace song choice, it is in fact one of my favourite songs - drink! HotCarl is sitting on a stool to begin with and his shirt is unbuttoned to about his navel and Fosse and my jaws drop in tandem because - hot! Fosse likes to think HotCarl isn't aware of his studly status but I see the cheeky twinkle in his eye and I know that he knows, and he knows that I know he knows and ouch, I think I broke something. He stands and is wearing some truly tight trousers which, once our eyes are drawn to them, make it difficult for us to look away. I have to rewind the tape and not watch the screen to actually listen to the singing which is actually pretty damn good. Yes, he has the weakest voice of the three but for a ballad, he's doing a lovely job of it and you can see how much he wants this in his eyes. But he shouldn't dance. Even as hot as he is, he just can't get away with that.

Dicko was also worried about the ballad but thinks he's been super strong the last two weeks with his ballads - and lets be frank, us chickies like a pretty boy a'crooning at us. Marcia allows us all to slam down a shot of tequila when she proclaims 'YGMS' as being one of her favourite songs of the year, body shots anyone? Carl? Kyle loves that he's been so constant the last couple of weeks and reiterates that with HotCarl, you know exactly what kind of artist you're getting. Mark highlights the importance of picking the right key (and barely restrains himself from 'sneezing' Natalie's name) as it made his pitch problems much less noticeable.

The Idol producers are trying to kill me. HotCarl's photo shoot is DELICOUS. If we could persuade him and The Gauc to combine their DNA and bear girl childs, Australia would win every Miss Universe/World beauty pageant FOR THE REST OF TIME. He almost paralyses me with his insane hotness - seriously, there is one shot of him sitting on the ground with his trumpet in the foreground that I had to pause the tape on because I had lost the ability to BREATHE IN AND OUT. He gives me a break by being not quite as great or pretty when he performs Stevie Wonders 'For Once In My Life'. Of couse, it goes without saying that it's the Michael Buble version. (You should drink now too.) He throws some emotional angst into his performance and nicely pounds the line "this is mine, you can't take it" and is doing quite well . . . until he terribly unwisely decides to attempt a falsetto and hurts my ears and WHY, HotCarl, WHY would you hurt me??!!

Mark calls him a truly likeable guy and dubs him Idol's MIC (Most Improved Contestant) and queries if he thinks he has the vocal chops he should, but commends his timing and how he works with the band. Dicko feels let down by all the contestants, saying the difference between going home now and going to the Opera House is immense and he expected more from them all, he berates HotCarl for just going through the motions and allowing the situation and the judges to make him nervous. Mark pipes in that the toughest judges are the Aria charts in two years annnnnnd I'll be surprised if HotCarl is impacting the Aria's in two years time, Mark. Natalie or Matt might and even that's questionable. Marcia loved him and thinks the charts will too and Kyle just thinks he needs a couple of Justin Timberlake dance moves. HotCarl twirls prettily on the spot and HotCarl? To do JT justice, a Jaunty Hat you most doff, it makes all the difference. Seriously, when JT came out wearing the Jaunty Hat, I APPLAUDED. Ask Shaneequa.

Audience participation member Lynda calls Andrew G 'Andy' and BACK OFF, sister, that moniker reserved for Mathieson's trademark slacker-esque use only. She's chosen Evermore's 'It's Too Late' for Matt Shave My Head, Please Corby and can ANYONE in the audience even hear him singing over the ridiculous screaming? Seriously - all of you, shut UP and let the boy sing. Except. Yeeeeaaaah . . . this kind of sucks. What did Vowels do to him to deserve this treatment? Really, what is he doing?? It's too fast, it's not the right song for him and the falsetto, gah, the falsetto is terrible. Holy crap, HotCarl performed the best song out of the first three?! By The Clooney, that was unexpected.

Marcia calls it incredibly good and exciting and well sung and my brow furrows with confusion. What? From the second he walked out, Kyle thought he had nailed it and if people can't already see that he is the best on this show and I black out for a moment or something because what?? I don't . . . maybe I don't understand English the way I think I do because my dictionary says those words mean something completely different to how I think he performed. Mark gets the crowd to sing happy birthday to Matt and THAT sounded better than Corby doing Evermore, but Mark thinks he's the perfect little ready made package. Dicko calls it the perfect positioning statement and that Matt should buy that woman a (non alcoholic) drink and I DON'T UNDERSTAND, DID THE SCREAMING TEENAGERS DAMAGE THE JUDGES HEARING??

Fittingly before Matt does The Beatle's 'Across The Universe', Channel Ten shows the Pascals Eclairs ad featuring Chanel Cole (see, even the ad people are protesting in the only way that they know how that another contestant has been allowed to perform this song; like Michael Jordan's number, it should be retired. It has been done as greatly as it is possible to ever perform any song - Chanel's version of ATU is Mary Poppins, practically perfect in every way) and I crack my knuckles in fearful anticipation of having to write angry, hateful things if Holden goes anywhere near giving him a Touchdown for Chanel's Song. And let's be brutally frank. Putting aside any misgivings I have about anyone else doing this number, Corby (who also looks DIVINE in his photo shoot, god the top three are phenomenally pretty people) does not get this song in any way. He just . . . sings it. Brutally loudly and forcefully and without any subtlety, there's no feeling or emotion, like he had his soul sucked from his body during the commercial break. This song should SOAR over the lyric because damn it, NOTHING is going to change your damn world Matt, MAKE MY HEART BREAK. Chanel, you ruined this song for me forever, because if you don't sing it, it is not sung. Damn you.

Every single damn one of the judges neglects to critique Matt in any way, shape or form, instead bestowing upon him the Lap Dance of You're Our Favourite. Dicko gets closest when he notes that Matt needs confidence and should make sure he can walk before he runs. Marcia just thinks he's hard on himself and that will make him a great musician. Kyle talks a bit about what a nice, virginal Christian boy Matt is and Marcia remembers this all backfiring on Dean Geyer so she elbows Kyle to shut the fuck up. He thinks Matt is a true star and is in fact the best they've got and Kyle? The Gauc wants a fucking word with you in the parking lot and she's going to be joined by her three Touchdowns and THEY WANT BLOOD. In short, shut up Kyle. Mark tells Matt that his mantra needs to be the same as Mark's, that he believes in himself, because he's in this for the long haul. Mathieson dryly notes that Mark's mantra is in fact 'left foot, right foot' and the wit of James pulls me back from the brink of Matt Worship Despair.

To sum up. Go The Gauc. Anyone else can be in the final two with her, although for the pretty (and also to see the total stupendous look of disbelief that would/will be on his face), it would be nice if HotCarl made it as well and Matt Corby went back to high school, got a recording contract in a year when he turns eighteen and they all met up at the Aria's to have a beer and laugh about what a crazy old time it was and how great does Natalie's Aria for highest selling album 'The Winners Journey' go with her dress? Shiny.