HotCarl. The Journey . . . of HOT.

Auditions - Oh. My. Fucking. God. Thank the gods that I went to the gym and taped Idol because now I can pause the tape and breathe into a paper bag when they show the total hotness that is navy trumpeter Carl Risely. They compound my breathing problems by showing him in his uniform and I have to go have a lie down. Please god, let him be able to sing . . . he Michael Buble's at the judges and he isn’t the world’s greatest singer but he convinces the judges and thank you, because TallulahB needs her some eye candy!!

Seymour Centre - Mixing madness in his method, Holden DARED to put HotTrumpeterCarl Risely in this Bottom 40 – but success! He Harry Connick Jr’s much more successfully then he Michael Buble’d – put him through!! They can keep at least four and still have a Top 100!!

HotCarl Risely sleeps with his trumpet. That is strangely, not a euphemism.

HotCarl Risely the trumpeter is up next and I have to pause the tape and clean up the mouthful of pasta that goes flying across the room when Mathieson says that his horn is his best friend. Dudes, seriously? The trumpet is SO very very hot. His solo includes both the playing of the trumpet and tilting his chiselled jaw at us. His biceps also do a lovely thing when he shakes the judges hands (pausing to kiss Kyle’s – eww, you do not know where that thing has been) after they put him through. You know, sometimes I just plain forget he’s here to sing . . .

Semi's - HotCarl Risely – huzzah! If they keep showing him playing the trumpet, he has my vote for life. Ohhhh, ouch. He has wisely chosen some more Michael Buble, but has sadly chosen his least jazzy song, ‘Home’. But happily, he suits it quite well, his tones are sweet. His nervousness shows in eyelash fluttering and a little microphone flute playing – but he quickly recovers his ground and grows more confident as the song goes on. He does have some weakness around some of the higher notes and this performance probably leans more toward vocal mimicry than pure singing but its my favourite so far. His voice has the same honeyed quality as Buble and Buble is VERY popular in this country, even if Carl could really use some more training – his voice is sweet, but I don’t know if its Idol. Also, in surprising news, he is hot (and I noticed last night, he has a bit of David Boreanaz from Buffy and Angel in him, especially around the eyes and eyebrows).

Wildcard - HotCarl Risely is Harry Connick Jr-ing a version of The Everly Brother’s ‘Bye Bye Baby’. This song really showcases his range quite nicely and I love his scat throw to the band – however, he doesn’t capitalise on it and the physical movement actually leaves him a little breathless and his voice weakens, but he rallies for a lovely ending – although the scat trumpet goes on a little too long. Marcia is SO in love with this boy, she raves about his flavour (he looks like he might taste like toffee . . . just me? Right.) and tells him he’s so smooth and cool, it’s dynamite. Kyle is SO in love with this boy, he tells him he looks exactly the part but that he needs to make more ‘sexy face’ and to demonstrate gives HotCarl a ‘come to bed’ look and my ovaries literally just shrivelled up and DIED. But then HotCarl does it back and they SPRING back to life – hallelujah!!

12 - Oh sweet jeebus, they show HotCarl in his uniform, playing his trumpet AND riding his motorcycle. Guys, you’re KILLING me. Also, continuing the tradition of awesome Idol Parentals, his dad is very cute. I want HotCarl to sing My Funny Valentine SO badly I downloaded Matt Damon doing it from The Talented Mr Ripley soundtrack. Waltzing Matilda? Oh man. Why? No, really, why? I get the patriotic thing, but no. I don’t care how swinging he gets, how cute he is or how well he sings it, it is STILL WALTZING FREAKING MATILDA. And that hat is stupid. The crowd goes nuts? Huh?

Mark tells him his instincts are right on the button. What? Dicko loves the diversity he brings and calls it a great song choice. For real? Am I asleep and this is some horrid Idol shaped dream and not the really nice one I had recently where Mathieson and I had to cuddle together for warmth or something and you guys, Mathieson is a great cuddler and also a really good kisser and I’ve said too much. Marcia ghetto MMMM’s into her microphone and are the judges on crack? What did I miss that made that great? Was I watching the wrong show? Kyle rights all wrongs by telling HotCarl he couldn’t stand it – THANK ALL THAT IS MIGHTY ON THIS EARTH. He calls it naff and HotCarl replies saying he’s showing off his Aussie and if that’s how his freak flag flies, then he should have put on a slouch hat or a baggy green and not that GOD awful trilby thing. I am crushed and have officially downgraded him from HotCarl to TepidCarl.

11 - TepidCarl is desperately trying to get back into my good graces because in his package he wears a tight white shirt, ass hugging jeans and eyeliner. I'm melting, I'm melting . . . boy knows my weaknesses. Now Coldplay's 'Clock's' can absolutely rock out because Magni did so on Rockstar Supernova. However, he didn't invest it with a reggae beat and croon it so much as he rocked the living FUCK out of it. TepidCarl sings this quite well and wisely steers away from the Chris Martin falsetto which I fear would prove too much for him but this is pretty lame for Rock Night, dude. Still, at least it's not Waltzing Matilda! And his jawline is magnificent, so welcome back HotCarl!

Dicko shrugs and asks him if that's rock? Man, Dicko would have HATED Bobby Flynn's cavalier approach to theme's last year. He tells HotCarl that he's just being lazy and then makes one of the few sane remarks he'll make all night by telling HC he could have done a Stray Cats song and been brilliant. My god. Can we have a week where Dicko picks EVERYONE'S songs for them? Marcia abdicates all judging responsibility by making the contestant judge themselves. Unsurprisingly HotCarl thought he did okay. Thanks for your time Marcia, your fee for tonight's show will be donated to charity, right? Kyle says he understands he wants to stick to his 'thing' but that it was a bit of a jellyfish, wobbly performance and he no longer wants to be HotCarl's boyfriend as he radiated a boring vibe. Mark thinks it undermines the competition to do a swing(ish) version of a song for Rock Night and just as I'm about to pass out from lack of oxygen because I can't stop screaming at Holden about how he let Bobby get away with fucking MURDER last year - 'Werewolves of London', 'Arthur', 'Rhiannon' motherfucker!! - the lovely Andrew G channels the sane part of me and dryly notes to HotCarl that they let Bobby do whatever they liked last year and ASIO makes a note of G’s support and wipes his file clean.

10 - HotCarl Risely - for real? You're scatting during Disco? Fuck. And also, ow at your falsetto.

9 - They keep showing Ian Moss during HotCarl’s package and it makes me angry, show me my boy! He says he’s doing Cole Porters ‘It’s Alright With Me’, but he’s really doing the Harry Connick Jr version from Red Light, Blue Light. Good god, he’s playing the trumpet and wearing a suit and who cares if it’s a direct copy of every tour edition DVD that Michael Buble and HCJnr ever released. Fosse texts from his sickcouch to upgrade him from HotCarl to ScorchingCarl and it would be rude to use Shaneequa’s bathroom to have a cold shower right? PGid doesn’t get the love and complains bitterly about his singing again to which I reply, he sang? Huh, I’m too busy thinking rude things about how agile his lips and tongue must be.

Marcia is just so happy that her boy got to play his horn and bats her eyelashes at him. Kyle is back in full on love for HotCarl and comments that a man who looks like him should get the horn out as much as possible. Mark calls him consistent and thinks he did a really good job. Dicko says its fantastic that he didn’t wait until Big Band night to show Australia what kind of stuff he’d do as Our Idol and really, even I’m not that blinded by lust. Look, he’s beautiful and not the worst singer in the world, but if he wins this show then we, the Australian people, should demand to see exactly what the Australian Federal Defence Force has spent our tax dollars on this year and if the number 191010 shows up ANYWHERE on their phone bill, then maybe it’s time to give that Communism thing a try.

8 with Special Guest Blogger, Her Royal Highness Elizabeth II - A rather attractive fellow, the Marquess of Scorch, Carl Risely puports to be singing ‘Can’t Buy Me Love’, penned by some of One’s favourite subjects, The Beatles. One has knighted Paul McCartney. One shall not extend this courtesy to Carl. His swing version is attributed to a Gentleman called Michael Buble. Well. One shall certainly set the corgis on that blighter should he set foot on the palace grounds. One finds this arrangement vaguely offending. His singing is quite adequate, One supposes, but One would appreciate it if he would stop butchering The Beatles. Thank you.

Knave Mark Holden calls it a great start and compliments his higher range. He notes that Carl insists on singing swing but that this may be his Achilles heel and longs for a ballad. The corgis like a good ballad. Our right royal British subject Dicko (O.B.E.) rightly dubs it ‘snuff jazz’ and says that he stamped all over the melody. Really, until One has heard Princess Anne warbling in the shower of a morn, to the Greatest Hits of Ronan Keating, One does not know true pain. Is the Dowager Marcia Hines perhaps a faith healer of some kind? Her tent like garment would suggest so. Daddy used to have faith healers and their ilk run towards the English Channel and drowned. She neglects to lay her hands on the boy, instead telling him to stay who he is. One thinks she may be delusional. The portly gent at the end believes Carl should stick to his guns but that tonight was a little bland.

7 - Or, The Week We Do Not Discuss. Bye Moppet. SOB.

6 - HotCarl has been given the Tom Jones song 'It's Not Unusual' to sing and I almost pitch a fit when he starts off slow, elongating every fucking word but what's this?? HotCarl stops mid note and turns to John Foreman telling him that that's never going to work. John agrees and they bust right into the BIG version and it is AWESOME!! His microphone technique is still for shit and his voice isn't brilliant but MAN alive that was FUN!! Upgrade that man to LavaCarl!

Kyle is back in full on heat for LavaCarl and calls him the frontrunner. When Mark goes to speak the crowd goes completely apeshit for a td. Mark tries to look like he's sick of it but you just know he fucking LOVES it when they demand this from him, it totally reaffirms his belief that he is the most important judge and only his opinion counts. When he gets that look on his face, I like to whisper the names Kate de Rouge vs Emily the Coldly Anointed One and Damien Leith's 'ugly' mug at him and smirk lots. Dicko practically salaams at his feet because he wanted entertainment and he got it in SPADES. He was a little disappointed that no knickers made it up on stage but that's only because Fosse and I weren't there Dicko, LavaCarl totally got some laundry pitched at him from Chez Belle though. Marcia is all about entertainment and Kyle begs her to yank off her Gstring and then demonstrates how that might be done and ewwwwwww. Mathieson speaks for ALL of us when he sternly tells Kyle that if he takes his pants off, he will leave.

5 - Carl So Hot You Could BBQ Off Him 800 Degrees Celcius, For Real Put An Egg On My Forehead And See How Long It Takes Risely is scorching up the screen and laying his hotness on Little River Band’s ‘Reminiscing’. Ummm. Look, he’s still very pretty and the dude has the best male haircut on the show by a country MILE (out of the contestants, that is – I’m not counting the pretty that is G). He rocks an open collar shirt and has a gorgeous neck but the singing? Not. Great. Weak actually, really really weak. Downgrade. LukewarmCarl. How the mighty have fallen. But his smile, oh his smile . . . alright, fine. Back up to ThreeHourOldHotWaterBottleCarl and let's leave it there.

4 - Carl This Genre Is My Bitch, Right Natalie?? Please Don’t Take This From Me, I Have Nothing Left But My Hotness Risely is first hot cab off the hot rank. He’s (hotly) kicking ‘Me and Mrs Jones’ but is (still hotly but) disappointingly taking his cue from Michael Buble again instead of the infinitely superior (and also quite hot) Robbie Williams version. Now, I’m not usually a fan of songs where people are a’cheatin’ on their spouse, but this is a great song, I'm a total sucker for it. Unfortunately, HotCarl just isn’t the best singer when it comes to slow, soulful ballads, it highlights every (hot) weak flaw in his vocals. Shaneequa nastily texts to compare him to Aaron Neville. I sniff and ignore her because she’s obviously not watching the screen. HotCarl’s shirt is open (hot) and his tie is undone (say it with me, hotttttttttttt) and by all that is good and holy on this earth, take me HotCarl, TAKE ME NOW!

Holden has a spyglass aimed right at me because he tells BlazingCarl that there are ladies all over Australia who are feeling the love. I sit in my lounge and randomly throw new nicknames at the screen - IncandescentCarl, SizzlingCarl, ThermogenicCarl, ScaldingCarl, BlisteringCarl, SmokingCarl . . . sigh . . .

(InsertSynonymForHotHere)Carl's second song is the Harry Connick Jr version of 'Just Kiss Me' and is a fast paced Glenn Miller style BB song, featuring some seriously fast speaknotsoeasy vocals and a lovely moment with the brass section who get to tell him to 'get on with it'. It is laugh out loud FUN and is the kind of performance that Carl has made his within the show, not great vocals but high octane energy and memorable. Oh, and also hot. But you knew that, right?

3 - The lovely Casey picked 'You Give Me Something' by James Morrison for HotCarl and give that girl a shiny penny because that is ace song choice, it is in fact one of my favourite songs - drink! HotCarl is sitting on a stool to begin with and his shirt is unbuttoned to about his navel and Fosse and my jaws drop in tandem because - hot! Fosse likes to think HotCarl isn't aware of his studly status but I see the cheeky twinkle in his eye and I know that he knows, and he knows that I know he knows and ouch, I think I broke something. He stands and is wearing some truly tight trousers which, once our eyes are drawn to them, make it difficult for us to look away. I have to rewind the tape and not watch the screen to actually listen to the singing which is actually pretty damn good. Yes, he has the weakest voice of the three but for a ballad, he's doing a lovely job of it and you can see how much he wants this in his eyes. But he shouldn't dance. Even as hot as he is, he just can't get away with that.

Dicko was also worried about the ballad but thinks he's been super strong the last two weeks with his ballads - and lets be frank, us chickies like a pretty boy a'crooning at us. Marcia allows us all to slam down a shot of tequila when she proclaims 'YGMS' as being one of her favourite songs of the year, body shots anyone? Carl? Kyle loves that he's been so constant the last couple of weeks and reiterates that with HotCarl, you know exactly what kind of artist you're getting. Mark highlights the importance of picking the right key (and barely restrains himself from 'sneezing' Natalie's name) as it made his pitch problems much less noticeable.

The Idol producers are trying to kill me. HotCarl's photo shoot is DELICOUS. If we could persuade him and The Gauc to combine their DNA and bear girl childs, Australia would win every Miss Universe/World beauty pageant FOR THE REST OF TIME. He almost paralyses me with his insane hotness - seriously, there is one shot of him sitting on the ground with his trumpet in the foreground that I had to pause the tape on because I had lost the ability to BREATHE IN AND OUT. He gives me a break by being not quite as great or pretty when he performs Stevie Wonders 'For Once In My Life'. Of couse, it goes without saying that it's the Michael Buble version. (You should drink now too.) He throws some emotional angst into his performance and nicely pounds the line "this is mine, you can't take it" and is doing quite well . . . until he terribly unwisely decides to attempt a falsetto and hurts my ears and WHY, HotCarl, WHY would you hurt me??!!

Mark calls him a truly likeable guy and dubs him Idol's MIC (Most Improved Contestant) and queries if he thinks he has the vocal chops he should, but commends his timing and how he works with the band. Dicko feels let down by all the contestants, saying the difference between going home now and going to the Opera House is immense and he expected more from them all, he berates HotCarl for just going through the motions and allowing the situation and the judges to make him nervous. Mark pipes in that the toughest judges are the Aria charts in two years annnnnnd I'll be surprised if HotCarl is impacting the Aria's in two years time, Mark. Natalie or Matt might and even that's questionable. Marcia loved him and thinks the charts will too and Kyle just thinks he needs a couple of Justin Timberlake dance moves. HotCarl twirls prettily on the spot and HotCarl? To do JT justice, a Jaunty Hat you most doff, it makes all the difference. Seriously, when JT came out wearing the Jaunty Hat, I APPLAUDED. Ask Shaneequa.

And then there were two . . .