Mr Stipe?? I don't feel fine . . .

There are many signs that the four riders of the apocalypse are currently saddling up their steeds as you read this post. The death of the pope, the current crop of nuffnuffs (TM SuzieB) inhabiting the Big Brother house this season, Britney Spears/Kevin Federline breeding and the strange correlation between the success of alumnus from Saturday Night Live depending on the appearance of Drew Barrymore in their movie**. But perhaps the biggest sign for me is the fact that perennial Razzie Award winning director Michael Bay is reportedly re-making Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds.
Warning! Warning! Danger Will Robinson!!
“But Tallulah?” I hear you ask, “Whats so bad about re-makes? Everyone’s doing it – look at Amityville and Dawn of the Dead and Ocean’s 11.”
This is an excellent point. With the exception of Amityville Horror (which I haven’t seen even though Ryan Reynolds is currently THE SHIT and is so hot that he replaced Clooney in my heart for a WHOLE TWENTY FOUR HOURS after I saw Blade Trinity) Ocean’s 11 and Dawn of the Dead are pretty damn good re-makes. In certain area’s they even improved upon the original film. Jake Weber and Sarah Polley are flat out awesome in DotD and the whole cast of Ocean’s 11 deserved some sort of Cool Award, because that film was so cool that I got frostbite. Hee.
However, these were re-makes of cult classics. Not everyone knows/has seen the originals of these films – in fact, I have to cop to never having seen the original DotD in its entirety and quite frankly the original Ocean’s 11 is just baaaaaaaad - Academy Award winning performance in From Here To Eternity aside, Sinatra just wasn’t a great actor. So these were good re-makes that were only potentially going to step on a few geeky toes.
But I just don’t understand the reasoning behind re-making The Birds. It’s a great film (if slightly dated in its look, but that’s to be expected with special effects laden films, even Jurassic Park looks a little dated now) and it isn’t just a cult classic, it’s a Classic. Capital C. You don’t fuck with the Classics. I mean, are we to expect a Godfather re-make in fifteen years?? Jaws? Alien? Gone with the Wind?? (Seriously, if someone tries to re-make Jaws or Alien I will personally get medieval on their bottoms). You don’t re-make a Classic, which I believe all concerned in the Psycho re-make now realise.
Oh, sorry. Psycho homage. Shut up, Gus Van Sant.
The Birds isn’t Hitchcock’s best – not by a long shot. That spot is reserved for Psycho (although my brain just flashed to Vertigo and Rear Window and is now arguing fiercely and pointlessly with itself) and if the re-make – oh alright – homage of that film didn’t work, how is re-making The Birds going to work? If Gus Van Sant directed, it would be closer to okay because he is still a pretty great director but it would still reek of the Hollywood Cash In. But MICHAEL FREAKING BAY?? The man is a hack. Pearl Harbour was a ridiculous, hideous mess of a film and he doesn’t deserve the opportunity to remake my BED let alone this Classic film. Erk. Double erk. And excuse me whilst I revisit my lunch, because MICHAEL BAY!! – aaaaaaargh.
So bring on the apocalypse and make it quick, before this travesty hits my local Cineplex and I have to waste a months wages on buying eggs to pelt at the screen.

**One day I plan to make a chart of some kind, because seriously? Adam Sandler and Jimmy Fallon + Drew Barrymore in The Wedding Singer and Fever Pitch respectively = good films and box office success. David Spade needs to hook up with this chick (and we as a collective audience need to forgive him for all those awful films with Chris Farley. And also, Dickie Roberts, because . . . duuuude). Will Ferrell seems to have been the only one to have reached the dizzying heights of making movies with Nicole Kidman without the aid of Ms Barrymore - and I’m not sure if that deserves our congratulations or our sympathies, because I’ve seen the trailer for Bewitched and I can smell the stink from here.