Bakers Dozen Top Twelve (™ Red)

Yeouch. We need to get Neil Finn made an Australian citizen STAT because it is horribly, screamingly obvious there are no good Australian songs left in the cupboard. The cupboard? She is bare. I’ve had a really good hard look and all I could find was the back catalogue of Men At Work and Shaddup Your Face by Joe Dolce, which was hidden behind a can of beetroot that expired in 1984. Slim pickings, my friends. Slim pickings.

Taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarniiiiii. Can someone fill me in on whether there’s a class action suit pending between Tarni and Vowels of the World, because she did some strange things to them last night. She elongates them in a quite unusual way that I hadn’t noticed up until now and it quite frankly, detracted from the performance. Not a great performance, just a meh one.

Laura (pause for halfhearted uncomfortable applause from the audience) This was a good song choice for her, it suited her a lot better than anything else she’s done. She just has a really weak lower register and when she’s trying to control it, it wavers all over the place. She picked up by the middle but she just hits way too many flat notes too consistently to deserve to be in the BDTT. Marcia actually criticised her, as constructively as I’ve EVER seen Marcia criticise anyone. I don’t think you can sing Laura but you’re at least conducting yourself with a little dignity which is more than we ever got from Emilia. Brave little soul. Now go away.

Dan. 1. Gosh, he’s quite a good looking boy. 2. What a shit song. He just . . . SHOUTS every note and I get why the judges like it, it’s the Jimmy Barnes School of Vocal Cord Ruination and hell, it worked for JB so why shouldn’t it work for Dan? Well, mostly because we already have a Jimmy Barnes and should he ever get kidnapped by terrorists, we have Shannon Noll ready to step into his boots and the local RSL. Dan also still has The Fear. He should have done Working Class Man, that would have rocked. This mildly swayed from side to side in a drunken manner, threw up on my shoes and fell asleep.

(Sidebar – did Kyle just compare Shannon Noll to Justin Timberlake and Usher? Die. Scum.)

Someone needs to kill a puppy in front of Roxane (please note, I do NOT advocate the killing of puppies, alternatively she should be made to watch Bambi, Watership Down and Old Yeller back to back to back). She didn’t hit a wrong note, but the whole thing was just slightly too . . . not right . . . for me. Still gets my vote because she has a killer voice but she needs to work on her song choice and her delivery. Emotion chipmunk, this is not a happy sappy song, give it some emotion or take some downers or something.
Marcia : That’s a song steeped in Australian tradition.
TallulahBelle : Fair suck of the sav Marcia, its not Khe Sanh, mate . . .

Emily, you’re singing in the wrong key. Granted, it’s the same key as the band but its wrong for your voice . . . oh, key change – lovely – ahhhh, THIS is the key you should have been singing the WHOLE song in. Disappointing, but hey! Marcia loves you. Are you perchance a single mum who’s never done this before? Please don’t cry. Awwww crap.

You are KILLING me Milly. I want so much to like you, you have a great voice but your song choices are just awful. It was like we were at the local footy grand final. Is the Aussie anthem next? And every time she starts to lose her note, she drops into the ‘growl’ note that should only ever be used sparingly. However, I love Milly’s mum – can we vote for her?

Lee. Lee. Lee. Way to go from hero to zero in one song. Holy Grail is a GREAT anthemic song and should NOT ever be sung with a cheesy grin on your face. For shame. Red had the best idea for you Lee – sing some Frenzal Rhomb and see how long it takes for Kyle’s head to explode!! (For those who don’t know the backstory Kyle & Jackie O have a reasonably long standing hate of the boys from Frenzal Rhomb ever since FR made K&JO look like complete idiots on their own radio show. Awesome.) Lee, you were the worst tonight. Even worse than Laura.
Marcia : If that’s how you feel that song should be interpreted, all right.
TallulahBelle : WTF??? Lee massacres Holy Grail and it’s a biiiiig lovefest but Chanel and Hit ‘Em Up Style last year and every other FUCKING SONG SHE EVER SANG THAT YOU HATED YOU STUPID TALENTLESS NONSENSICAL BINT . . . SHHHHHHHHHHHUTTTTUP MAAAAAAAARRRRRRRCCCCCCCCIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAA
*TallulahBelle’s head explodes in a bubble of bile and hate*

Ladies and Gentleman, the best female performance of the night, I give you Kate. Lovely work, Clone of Renee Geyer. It finished . . . weird, but it was beautifully and soulfully done. Just lovely.

The Smiling Assassin (™ Cookies) Mr Chris Luder. Dude. Duuuuuuuuuude. You do NOT get the lyrics to this song wrong man. You just don’t. I couldn’t tell if they changed them deliberately because of the time slot or what, but if that was the case then why could they talk about it during Idol Extra? Especially with John Foreman’s Tasmania joke? I don’t get it. Either way, what an awful arrangement. Sing the FREAKING SONG, please stop flirting with the tune and actually nail it. Damn it. He has officially worn out his welcome with his last two song choices. His friendship with Roxane is just barely keeping him in my good books . . .

Could someone point out to Natalie that the show she’s on is Australian Idol and not the New Johnny Young Talent Time? Thanks. Natalie should probably have done some Delta which would have suited her voice heaps. Mark Holden makes little sense when he speaks, why on EARTH would you think that he writes songs any better? Absolutely Everybody is a badly written piece of crap and any and all copies of it should be burned. That aside, its nice to have someone to take over the Queen of Mugging position recently vacated by the lovely Irene. Queen, your crown . . .

FuckIHateJames. FIHJ comes really really close to hitting lots and lots of his notes. But then he doesn’t. He was rushing ahead of the band, which is fine if its part of the arrangement but I don’t think he was doing it on purpose. Lacklustre and blah interpretation of the song, but at least he didn’t do the freaky eye thing that I can’t stand where he puts his head back and nearly closes his eyes but doesn’t and all you can see under his fluttering eyelashes are the whites. Fer-eaky. Oh and FIHJ? When the judges tell you that you’ve got a lot more to give and Marcia cocks her head understandingly to one side like that? It means you were crap. And FIHJ? You were crap.

Sista Girlfriend Anne (Fosse: God be with you). It may have been a side effect of nerves but Anne kept on stopping and obviously swallowing, as though her vocal cords weren’t ‘wet’ enough. It’s a small complaint but it seemed to interfere with her delivery a little bit. She was still pretty good and one of the better of the night, but it wasn’t as great as I remember her performance from week one of the top 30. As with Milly, Anne’s mum ROCKS! I didn’t love her or hate her, but THEN! She did the Running Man. Twice! And I fell in love . . . I love goofy 80’s dance steps. Tee hee.

DreadyDan. Best performance of the night. Still hate his dreads, but his voice is immaculate. He knows when to pump up the notes and when to pull them right back. Dude is so laid back it’s a wonder he doesn’t fall over. Best arrangement of the night and Dan quite frankly has the best contemporary rock voice I have ever heard on this show.

Top Three : Dan, Kate and Roxane. All the rest are vulnerable, but I picked Laura and Emily to go because I want the humiliation to end for Laura and Emily and Anne are clones but only one of them got the talent DNA . . .
(Thank god we’re cutting two straight away, this is exhausting.)