If an Idol falls in the forest.

Idol. Something visible but without substance.
Lame. Weak and ineffectual, unsatisfactory.
Dull. Dispirited, depressed. Not clear or resonant.
Bland. Having little or no distinctive flavour.

Kinda sums up this season, don’t it? More accurately, it sums up the final Sunday night performance show of Season Three. Battle of the Diva’s turned out to be less Emily and Kate going head to head in a glorious grudge match to the bloody end, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome style (two Idol’s enter, one Idol leaves), and ended up being a little bit more like what you would expect a Celebrity Fight between the brothers Crane to be (if say, Niles had dissed Foucault and then favourably compared the grapes of the Napa Valley to those from the banks of the Gironde river - I mean really, you just know Frasier ain’t having none of that shit, holmes.) In other words . . . . well, I have no other words, I just direct you back to the list of words atop this paragraph.

I fast forwarded through most of the bullshit talking so missed why the judges aren’t talking after each performace, I presume to avoid any and all touchdown bias. Doesn’t matter why, I heartily applaud the move anyway . . .

Team Kate
Maybe Tonight – The Idol Winner’s song makes me feel slightly less nauseated and sugary than previous years (specifically the travesty that Poor Poor Casey had to release) but it also makes me giddily wish for a second that we had gotten to hear the punk’d up DeadtomeOnetrickpony version. Kate’s singing is husky and soulful and I find myself enjoying it. I check my pulse to ensure I haven’t gone into a diabetic coma.
Shackles – Kate sings this really well, but I just want her to kick it up a freakin’ notch. She visibly reins herself in from going over the top, which I don’t fully understand. This song should make me want to get up and dance but I make do with a little chair dancing instead. Its not the same. Sigh.
How Could An Angel Break My Heart – well, for starters SHE MIGHT SING A SONG CO-WRITTEN BY BABYFACE. Gahhhhhhhhhhang on. This is actually quite . . . well, its . . . nice . . . she builds it well and it soars in the chorus and Competent Kate hits all the right notes again again. It’s a touch bland and less than memorable but she sings so well and I’m so horribly biased and she can do no wrong in my eyes, that I actually start wishing she would sing that nice Bryan Adams song from that wonderful Robin Hood movie that the not at all overrated Kevin Costner was in. It occurs to me that I’m going into sugar shock and I hurriedly inject myself with insulin and eat a garden salad.

Ch 10 advertises Veronica Mars. I smile smugly in the direction of the Veronica Mars first season DVD set that is currently taking over mine and Fosse’s life . . .
Ch 10 advertises Smallville. I don’t get it, but am nonetheless happy for Shaneequa and sad for the Charmed fans who seem to have been shortchanged this season.

Emily the maybe not so Anointed One
I promised myself I would not be unduly biased, that I would view Emily’s final three performances with as much neutrality as possible and draw on all my singing lessons and history and critique her fairly but Emily took that choice away from me by being flat out awful on two of her three songs. You have been warned. (also? Emily’s stock footage that I fastforwarded through seemed to altenate between her crying and getting touchdowns. MAN, will I be glad when this season is over . . . )
Emotions - the Bee Gee’s and Melodies & Harmonies of the World discuss the cost of hiring a lawyer. Emily, WHAT have you done to their song? It gets slightly better when she hits the chorus, but then she goes back to the verse and I shrink in horror again. Chicks don’t have a falsetto but it feels like that’s what she’s trying to do. Emily’s voice is trembly. Wow, is she nervous or what?
Since You’ve Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson has a KICK ass live voice and even she can’t do this song justice live. Singing this on Idol Extra with John and Erana I thought Emily sounded iffy and boy oh boy, was I right. Her lower register sounds terribly flat and the glory note is so unnecessarily shrieky that MY vocal cords hurt when she throws it against the wall and beats the living daylights out of it. While Emily was singing this song I started to think that maybe Kate was in with a chance to win this thing . . .
Maybe Tonight – but then Emily sang this. And I have to say, I think she sang it better and that it is arranged smart-er than Kate's version. They both sang it well, but Emily’s was definitely more mainstream, infinitely more commercial and the last performance of the night, which can’t hurt. And if Emily wins tonight, I think it might be on the strength of her very last performance. It really suits Emily’s style of singing, she’s finally confident and she sings it well. Damn.

The judges speak :
Marcia : “You go girls.” Riiiiiight. Sod off for another year Marcia, you are officially of no use to anybody. Oh, and Shut Up.
Mark : “A duet would be good”. A duet. Between these two? Wow, yeah, that act . . . ually wouldn't suck at all. Huh. So what you’re saying is you’re choosing now to say something that actually makes a skerrit of musical sense? Duuuuuuuuude. Shut up Mark.
Kyle : Babbles about nothing of any importance or interest to anybody until he says not to vote unless you’re planning to buy the winners CD. I furrow my brow in acknowledgement and concern at Wisdom From Kyle and start texting Kate’s name to 19 10 10 anyway. And just for the pure hell of it (and just like last years final) I text Chanel’s name as well. And then Tim’s. It can’t hurt, right?

(The original idea for this blog may have been blatantly stolen from the lovely Guru G. I’m sure she understands . . .)