Jesus is still alright with me

I . . . . well, I barely know what to say. I wasted another two and a half hours of my life watching the audition shows and . . . . really, that was it? Interspersed between a multitude of truly wretched singers were a mere handful of talented individuals. A skerrit. A thimbleful. A tiny. And we somehow still have a top 100? Prepare yourselves kids, there's going to be a LOT more crap to wade through before we get to the top 24, its all I'm saying.

But this week our painful search begins in Sydney, where, I'm sorry, but is there some sort of council ordinance that demands that one out of every three Sydney-siders MUST own their own barnyard animal suit? Chickens, cows and dog costumes as far as the eye can see - witness the famewhore in its natural environment, wacky enough that they'll make it on to the show and yet still covered up enough so that the average passerby won't recognise them on the street the next day after the show airs and beat them into a bloody pulp for taking up so much MOTHERFUCKING screen time.

As usual, we're subjected to a cavalcade of crappy crooners until we're presented with Jorge, a shinier (who'd have thought that was possible) and stretched version of Anthony Callea who oversings When Doves Cry more than the kid from Romeo and Juliet. Honestly people, can we stick to the tune? Just once? Too much to ask? The answer is yes because HOLY MOTHER OF GOD ITS EMILY WILLIAMS' SISTER. She starts off not too painfully but THEN oh god then of course, she kicks in with the vocal gymnastics and a key change and her voice goes all the fuck over the place which gives the three judges erections to the point that their table lifts off the floor. Gentle readers, may I present to you the contestant who (if she makes it through to the top 12) will receive the most touchdowns, you go girls and you're a star from Mark, Marcia and Kyle respectively, whose backstory will bug the most because it will feature her sister, otherwise known as my least favourite Idol ever and who has just been voted Idol Most Likely To Harsh TallulahBelle's Gig. But. Is it wrong to hate Lavina just because of Emily? Am I tarring her with the same brush as her screeching harpy of a sister? Thats not fair, is it? FINE. Williams sister? You get one Get Out Of Jail Free card. Use it wisely.

Next up is what I like to call The Final Straw. Eliza has auditioned SEVEN times in the last two years. She can't really sing, but her higher register suggests that given a couple of years with a really really good vocal coach, she might be okay at karaoke nights at the local pub. Of course, this being the show that it is, no-one suggests anything of the sort to her. Instead, Kyle is revoltingly snide, Mark berates her for wasting their time and Marcia takes the condescending moral high ground of "I don't need to say anything, do I?" Karma is going to get these three good and I really hope its during a live show but I'm done. I loudly vocalise my intentions next year to not start recapping this show until we're at the Seymour Centre.

Then we finally get some of the good NSW singers, like Irishman Damian who sings that song from Closer when Jude Law is scamming on Natalie Portman from across the street and it always gives me goosebumps because the song is great and this guy? Sings it really well. Damn fine falsetto. Damn. Fine. Then Moulin Rouge dancer Rebecca busts out an okay version of Heaven (she's trilling a bit, but its not that bad), the Nipple Guy presents us with a fantastic R&B voice and JJ plays and sings to us beautifully and busts Kyle's hump in a manner that endears him to me instantly because he doesn't lose his temper or raise his voice, he is calm, he is straightforward and he doesn't take any shit. And don't freak out, but the Last Person To Audition Gets Through Because They Are Completely Unexpectedly Awesome (trademark pending).

And we're in QLD, where everyone hates Kyle and I love everyone. Usual bullshit, Kermit impersonaters, Emily Williams pimpage (more of the same), a chick who sings the entirety of The Rose . . . TWICE . . . and enough Jesusfreaks for everyone to take one home. This show only goes for an hour and it takes us until 7.54 to get to Bobby. Bobby sounds like Jack Johnson and looks like a brunette version of Carrot Top. Honestly, go to the link and look. I'll wait here. See? Uncanny. Bobby is pretty much radio ready, you could stick him in a studio right now and he'd deliver. He's extremely talented, is what I'm saying. As is hard rock seasoned performer Guy, who they show playing with his band. Guy would love to make it to the Opera House and I want to leap through the teev and remind him what show he's on. Has he even heard the tripe they make their winners release? Its not Metallica, its not Def Leppard, hell its not even Bon Jovi. Its Angels Brought Me Here, its Maybe Tonight and its the godawful saccharine piece of shit they gave to Poor Poor Casey.

Albury/Wondonga is our final stop. Thank. God. And you can tell at this point that they're padding the competition to try and make up a hundred finalists, because they let through some really average singers. The first real gem out of AW is auctioneer Mark who is hot in a Shannon Noll kind of way (yep, I can't believe I wrote that either) and does two things that rock my cotton bobby sox. He sings Pearl Jam whilst wearing a Vote for Pedro shirt. Gold.

And then they seriously piss me off. Once again the Last Person To Audition Gets Through Because They Are Completely Unexpectedly Awesome and not only are they unexpectedly awesome, but they just might be one of the best talents I've ever seen on this show and it makes me forget the pain I've suffered through over the five and a half hours of this bullshit audition process. Lisa is too young. She's too too too young, she's just sixteen and she is nervous as fuck, you can hear a tremulous wavering lilt as she sings. But. Her voice is the love child of Edie Brickell and Missy Higgins and she sounds amazing. I don't want another sixteen year old to win this competition but she could do it. She made the sitting through the hours of crap worth it, just to hear her sing. I look forward to hearing more from her at the Seymour Centre.

Which is where we're headed next and it couldn't have come any sooner. I need to go and have a lie down and regroup. Get myself one of those fizzy energy drinks or something because its been an exhausting process and it didn't even last a month like the audition process did last year. Small mercies, right? Praise be to someone.