We were on a BREAK

Dear Australian Idol,

I have something to confess. Now before I do, you need to know that I am thoroughly ashamed of myself. I never thought I was that kind of girl, and I don't know what else to tell you but that I got caught up in the excitement of something fresh, something new and I'm sorry but I think that you need to take on some of the blame. You've let things get old and stale, you never surprise me anymore, we barely talked after last season ended and I need more than that. I've accepted that you are going to foist screaming banshee's like Emily Williams on me, I've accepted that you somehow allowed DeadtomeOnetrickponyLee Harding to record a CD, I've accepted that the trained monkey you hired to replace Dicko is still Kyle Sandilands and I've even accepted that I was wrong about Ricki-Lee, the Young Diva's have forever proven to me that she represents the best of the (currently signed) Idol alumnus. But just because I've accepted this, doesn't mean I'm happy about it.

So.

So . . . I started watching another singing reality tv show. I started watching Rockstar Supernova. The contestants are talented singers, seasoned performers and the judges actually critique them sensibly - well, maybe not Tommy Lee, but come on, he's Tommy Lee, the fact that he can walk and talk at the same time is cause for celebration. And you need to know that whilst Rockstar Supernova is on, I will be watching it and you at the same time and I will be comparing the two and at this point, you're coming off second best, trailing waaaay behind the competition. Now, I watched the audition shows on Sunday and Monday and I have a few problems with the people who made up the first three hours of Australian Idol Season Four. Maybe if we work on these together, we can begin to heal the rift in our relationship.

Okay, so you keep telling me that this season will be different, new age limits, instruments allowed in the audition process, the judges have repeatedly said that they think the competition this year will be the Best One Yet. And I appreciate greatly that you've made it through the first two shows without subjecting me to some deluded twenty year old with pitch problems who sings through their nasal cavity doing their rendition of James Blunt's 'You're Beautiful'. But don't tell me the talent this year is fierce and then take FORTY MINUTES of a two hour premiere to get to someone who can actually freaking sing.

But okay, yes - in Melbourne, do please put a sixteen year old boy who honestly thinks he can sing The Prayer onto my tv and then unleash Kyle fucking Sandilands to CRUSH the childs spirit because it is AWESOME to make sixteen year old kids cry! Its the new black! And then lets perpetuate the myth that if you're from the country you're a) a redneck, b) a country music fan, c) you talk like you've never even fucking heard of the Queen's fucking english or d) you're Shannon Noll. And lets not forget the single mum who gets down on her knees and begs the judges (but really she's talking to Marcia) to let her through, she won't disappoint them, she'll try really hard, really and truly she will!!

And I'm assuming that getting the auditionees at the Alice to do it in the outdoorseyness of the Aussie Outback was just so G and Mathieson could get their schtick on, not that I'm complaining, those two are still the best thing about your show at this point and watching people react to swallowing flies is like the Greatest Hits of Mental Flashbacks of my Pilbara raised childhood. And you did find two sterling singers (although I maintain my long held bitch that sixteen is too young to be on this show) - young Jordan whose sartorial sassyness in the Land of Denim was a welcome detour and Jessica. Wow. This beautiful little girl sang I Have Nothing by Whitney Housten and she nailed it, she sang it better than Ricki-Lee did and RL didn't have to contend with the hot Australian sun, an army of flies and sweat dripping down between her shoulder blades. Kudo's kid.

And in Perth you let Mark tell the CourtJester's supremely talented brother Chris that he wasn't great and you don't know that he's right for the competition? You gave the Bored Musical Guy ten minutes of airtime? You let Stalker Scott sing Fever at Marcia to the point where I wanted to give him a restraining order?

And Adelaide? Oh Adelaide. City of churches, wineries and whackjobs. Whackjob #1 Emma sings Faded by last seasons winner Kate However The Hell You Spell Her Last Name I'm Not Looking It Up to three people who didn't give a damn about Kate, two of whom barely applauded when she won. Whackjob #2 hears voices in her head and they sound like Natalie Bassingthwaite and the Rogue Traders. Whackjob #3 is chess champion Kevin. Now, the brilliant Bobby Fischer, chess champion genius openly claimed that the US deserved the events of 9/11. Bobby Fischer? Still not as crazy as Kevin. WJ#4 Martin isn't wearing underwear or a shirt and is drunk. Right? WJ#5 is 80's lovin' nut Jonathon who firstly disappoints me greatly by not singing a NKOTB song but who cheers me up by getting into a stoush with Kyle. And the coup de grace is Jess who screams at the top of her lungs and is of course warmly welcomed into the top seven hundred by all three judges. See Coulter, Ricki-Lee and Williams, Emily.

And thats the first week of Idol, the good, the bad, the ugly, the Kyle, the oversinging, the trilling, the mimicking other artists, the be true to yourself, the slaughtering, the shimizzle, the refusal to so much as mention that SONYBMG has already dropped their Season Two winner Poor Poor Casey. So you see, Idol dearest, we have a LOT of work to do to make this the Best One Yet. A LOT of work.

Roll up your sleeves. Make it work. Or I'll gladly make Tommy Lee my bitch.

Yours hopefully,
TallulahBelle
xx