Twelve is six/eight too many

Right kids, this is it. Top Twelve. You are all eleven cut throats away from a guaranteed number One album and hordes of screaming adoring fans - who granted, will potentially forget your name after the third time they've played your cookie cutter single on their iPods, but still, cool, yeah? So no fucking around, no safe songs, nothing recorded before Ben McKenzie (hereafter referred to as Moppet) was born, nothing twee, nothing basically from the Julia Roberts soundtrack oeuvre. Unless HotCarl does Elvis Costello’s ‘She’ from Notting Hill, or Moppet wants to Moppet up ‘King Of Wishful Thinking’ from Pretty Woman. Hah! That would be ace. Huh. HotCarl is wearing a disappointing and suspicious hat.

Aaagh. Moppet has the unfortunate Up First Spot, I hope that’s not his death knell I hear tolling in the distance. His mum is aDORable and so is his sister. Do they need another family member? G calls the Maroon 5 song ‘Sunday Morning’ a classic, can it technically be classified as a classic when it was only released like three years ago? I have older pasta in the back of my pantry. He starts perched at the back of the new Idol stage that from an aerial viewpoint, vaguely resembles Batman’s underwear. Just me? Right. Anyway, it’s a gorgeous little Moppet-ised stripped down version, he sings it beautifully, soulful and lovely but that dreaded first damn spot – it’s a killer this early in the piece. Will the viewers remember him?

Mark finds it just so impressive that someone so young can be so laid back – he is a seemingly effortless performer – but thinks that was weird song choice and wants more emotional depth from him. Dicko loved his song choice and says he’s setting himself up as Australia’s Favourite Younger Brother and I already have one of those but I’d be totally cool with two. I join the long line of people wanting to adopt Ben. Marcia congratulates him on opening the show – seriously, sucky slot. Kyle calls it perfect song choice and says as crazy, nutty and ADD as he is backstage, he always pulls it into focus when he’s on stage.

I wandered into the kitchen during Mark da Costa’s package so I don’t know if his family rocks, but Fosse assures me his brother was also hot so yay for genetics! MdC is singing ‘Vertigo’ by U2, not my favourite song from not my favourite band but this is high tempo rock and also roll and he performs it well. He gets the occasional scaredy stare and the vocals are a little shouty and ragged AND there’s no need to actually kneel when you get to the bit where you’re singing about kneeling, Mark.

Dicko thought it was slightly mannered – amen Brother Dickson, preach to me – but that he looks a little like a young Keith Moon and he should bring more of that, just with less of the early horrific cliché rock death. Marcia loves him yada yada, she felt that, blah de blah. Kyle thought it was almost too safe and needs him to live it a little more as it looked like he was thinking too much, which frankly is not usually a problem for most rockers, Mark, tuck away the grey matter, no need for it here. Mark loves what he does, the constant surprise as he shows there’s more to him and then G does a little man flirting and gives us Mark’s number. I notice that MdC has dreamy brown eyes (I’m a little fixated on both eyes and dreamy as I saw Hairspray on Friday and perved muchly on the very very young but hot Zac Efron)

Lana Krost sings both ‘Torn’ and ‘Beautiful’ in her package, so its not that surprising that she’s singing a Natalie Imbruglia song ‘Shiver’. What the hell is she wearing? Are they formal shorts? I don’t get kids today or their crazy fashion. Her vocals are a little flat but still very 'pretty' and proper and safe. Her lower register is really quite lacking and she still has no emotional resonance with her material.

Marcia thinks it was a great song choice and is pleased she’s moving away from the theatrical, which, true – there was less of the Musical Theatre Hand Gesturing going on tonight. Kyle also thinks it was better than last time but that he wants to see what her mum sees when she watches Lana sing. Mark calls it a big improvement because she’s not a natural pop singer, he wants her to sing less because she’s holding the notes too long. He also wants her to work on her higher register. Meh, I thought her high was fine, but her low sucked. Dicko rules because he tells her it was another Teacher’s Pet performance and that she has no raw physicality on stage. She does come across a little . . . empty. He calls it a soap star performance, that it’s not real. Dicko and I nod sagely together. We are so wise and allknowing.

Sidebar : Daniel Radcliffe AND Zac Efron? Man, they really want me to watch Rove, don’t they?

The Daniel Misfud Top Twelve Scarf Watch count takes off with a bang with two making an appearance early on in his package. Someone got him high this week because he’s melding Justin Timberlake’s gorgeous pissed off with Britney ballad ‘Cry Me A River’ with some Led Zeppelin. I don’t know what to do with that. If you ignore the fact that he sings it WILDLY badly, the songs actually fit together but his falsetto is JUST so god awful and strained and painful that I just want it to STOP. Irish has obviously taken the Idol Falsetto on tour and is in no hurry to return it because ewww. No. The screaming fangirlies scream screamily. Shut up, you idiots, he was awful, I don’t care how high his hair is.

Kyle reluctantly agrees with me, saying that on paper it sounded awesome but that in reality it was a bit of a mess. Mark shakes his head and notes that there was no soul in it and that you can do a decent job of arranging and make it work for you but not if you’re not working for it also. Dicko says he burns up the screen but that the whole thing just collapsed into a heap a few times and that it ended up a real mess. Marcia loves JT and if she’s sitting in the same section as Shaneequa and I when we go see him in November, I will march over to her and tell her what I’m talking about. She rabbits on about how much the ladies love the JT and yeah Marcia, we do, he has a fucking awesome natural falsetto, he can dance, he has a great sense of humour (please go to YouTube and watch this) and he’s remarkably hot, hence the squillions of dollars and the sex with Cameron Diaz and Jessica Biel.

Oh sweet jeebus, they show HotCarl in his uniform, playing his trumpet AND riding his motorcycle. Guys, you’re KILLING me. Also, continuing the tradition of awesome Idol Parentals, his dad is very cute. I want HotCarl to sing My Funny Valentine SO badly I downloaded Matt Damon doing it from The Talented Mr Ripley soundtrack. Waltzing Matilda? Oh man. Why? No, really, why? I get the patriotic thing, but no. I don’t care how swinging he gets, how cute he is or how well he sings it, it is STILL WALTZING FREAKING MATILDA. And that hat is stupid. The crowd goes nuts? Huh?

Mark tells him his instincts are right on the button. What? Dicko loves the diversity he brings and calls it a great song choice. For real? Am I asleep and this is some horrid Idol shaped dream and not the really nice one I had recently where Mathieson and I had to cuddle together for warmth or something and you guys, Mathieson is a great cuddler and also a really good kisser and I’ve said too much. Marcia ghetto MMMM’s into her microphone and are the judges on crack? What did I miss that made that great? Was I watching the wrong show? Kyle rights all wrongs by telling HotCarl he couldn’t stand it – THANK ALL THAT IS MIGHTY ON THIS EARTH. He calls it naff and HotCarl replies saying he’s showing off his Aussie and if that’s how his freak flag flies, then he should have put on a slouch hat or a baggy green and not that GOD awful trilby thing. I am crushed and have officially downgraded him from HotCarl to TepidCarl.

Holly Weinert and her boyfriend act out Ghost in their pottery barn. Snigger. She's singing . . . what the hell is she singing? The who? The Gossip . . . okay . . . 'scalled what? 'Standing In The Way Of Control' . . . ‘kay . . . she's wearing some 1970's disco queen Olivia Newton John circa Xanadu shiny pants that should be stricken from public consumption but to be fair she is sexily growling the hell out of this song I've never heard of in my life, in a manner that is quite magnificent.

Dicko's eyes pop because he didn't think any of the chicks would give MdC a run for his money in the rock stakes and there she went, but he isn't fond of her song choice, although he notes that her voice has a touch of the Kim Wilde and OHMYGOD, that's who she reminds me of when she sings, yes! This is the only song performed tonight that is NOT one of Marcia's favourites, in fact she's also never heard of it, but she did dig the performance. Kyle tells Holly it was like Patti Newton on crack and both Mark and I need to take a moment because Sandilands? Sometimes it IS worth it having you on the show. Mark loved the visual impact of the perf but calls the song choice a big risk, and harks back to young Reigan Derry's perf last year of a Karnivool song and to be fair Mark, I think Holly’s was a thousand times better than Reigan's where she mis-howled that final note, breaking eardrums nation wide.

Matt Corby was born the same year that I . . . never mind, he’s young, I’m old. Our hair is about the same length and that’s all I think I may have in common with him. He’s doing Coldplay’s ‘The Scientist’ which is a very good song choice for him, gives him lots of opportunity to sing earnestly down the camera, looking beseechingly into the eyes of the Dolly magazine set nationwide while their Hello Kitty mobiles charge in readiness for texting his name. He does have remarkably pretty eyes. I just want to hold him down and clipper his hair. Hey, if TepidCarl wants to upgrade again to HotCarl and retain his patriotism, he can sing ‘Click Go The Shears, Boy’ whilst actually shearing Matt’s hair to a decent length; then we can talk. He sings this really quite well, holding the notes nicely and gives us a decent falsetto. There does seem to be a touch of the nerves, but he’s pulling this off nicely, there is a lovely sense of restraint.

Marcia loved the melodic simplicity and execution of it. Kyle goes WAY overboard by urging everyone to stand and applaud because Matt is such a star. Mark is beside himself that this year’s Dean Geyer is actually pretty damn talented and lauds him for being a sixteen year old who can just walk out and pitch straight into a great falsetto and feel the lyric the way he did. Dicko hunches down in his seat because he knows he’s about to be VERY unpopular – he doesn’t want to rain on everyone’s parade but when Chris Martin sings that song he infuses it with tension and Matt stripped it completely of that and made it really loungey. I don’t know, I’m okay with Matt’s take on it Dicko. Matt replies that he’s not Chris Martin and he’s not married to Gwyneth Paltrow with two rather silly named children and he’ll sing it how he likes and then also name his daughter Fork Manual and his son Chair DVD if he wants, so there.

Hey! Natalie Gauci is bossy – is she a virgo? I’ll bet she is. They show her as a kid wearing the most adorable little pink tutu just to prove that she has always been freaking gorgeous. She’s singing Powderfinger’s ‘On My Mind’ and she’s given it a from-the-soundtrack-of-Robert-Rodriguez’s-latest-movie-set-in-Mexico feel. The arrangement is great, her singing is top notch and it’s all very sleek and slick and I feel Bernard and the rest of the Finger boys would be well chuffed with this. However, she is wearing what are quite possibly the ugliest shoes on the planet that shorten her legs and make her look about two feet tall. She rocks the end out. Niiiiiiiice.

Kyle thinks it was excellent, that it looks sexy and that the vocal was great. Mark says he loves it when a woman takes on a man’s song and takes it somewhere new. Dicko loves how she always puts a twist on pop songs and looks like he just holds back from growling approvingly at her as he tells her it was the best performance so far. Marcia loves her some Finger (dirty) and says they helped Natalie find her mojo, which is good because Nat’s had fliers up and was offering a reward for the safe return of that. G simperingly smiles at her that he also thinks Bernard would have dug that – he is SO besotted with her, its very cute.

You know, Jacob Butler is turning out to be cuter then I ever remembered him being on X Factor. He’s wearing a gorgeous plush red coat and singing The Killers’ ‘When We Were Young’. He’s borrowed some spazzy dance moves from Jack Brynes and actually this performance reminds me of Lukas Rossi, the Season Two winner of Rockstar – not that Lukas ever did this song, I think that was Toby. It’s actually a pretty infectious performance and I like it – great vocals!

Mark wants his jacket back. He loved the song choice and says the best thing is that Jacob is starting to sing with his eyes as well as his voice, which is hard because often the only note your eyes can hit is high C. I’m so sorry. Dicko was worried because he loves the song and was initally concerned because Jacob needs to stop being a contestant and start being an artist, but says that the performance was a revelation. Marcia’s Favourite Song List jumps up to five thousand six hundred and eighty two with the addition of ‘WWWY’. Are there ANY songs this woman doesn’t like? Can someone rock out Nine Inch Nails song ‘Closer’ as a litmus test? Kyle hopes that the audience at home got as much out of the performance as those in the studio did because he’s the real deal. Mathieson and G also seem to really like him, there’s a real warmth when they’re reading out his numbers.

Belting baby Tarasai Vushe is diva-ing up Alicia Keyes number ‘If I Were Your Woman’ and I pre-emptively rolled my eyes. Also, she looks a little too much like a fourteen year old for me to be entirely comfortable with her doing this . . . until she starts singing and damn. It’s amazing. Holy effing crap. Do I like this season’s Screaming Belter? The hell? She holds back on the gymnastics and just sings the song and that’s the kind of belting I like. And I know she’s only tiny, but by god, her mouth is HUGE. When she’s powerhousing her mouth takes up three quarters of her face. Nice teeth and gums, Tarasai.

Dicko finds it gratifying that she built the song, structuring it nicely and making her way up to the big notes. Marcia just looks like a proud mama and clucks happily. Kyle says he just can’t wait for Australia to really get to know the backstage Tarasai because she’s a strange one. And really really short. Mark is still not quite ready to let go of Emily Williams and berates Tarasai for being pitchy. The hell? I immediately phone Shaneequa who has a much better ear for that then I do and she concurs. Obviously my stunned and shocked state at finding myself actively liking The Screaming Belter has deafened me to the flaws in that performance.

Marty I’d Rather Be Surfing Simpson didn’t listen to my instructions earlier in the show and is doing an OLD song by The Police, ‘Can't Stand Losing You’. He really loves that whole rasta pop thing and it’s a shame he chose this song because his voice naturally lends itself to John Butler, in fact it may actually be borrowed from John Butler who is currently in shock at being without the facility of speech. It does not translate to Sting in any way whatsoever and this is basically a dull performance of a dull song. It’s still better then Misfud though.

Marcia asks him if that was okay and of course it wasn’t Marcia, you saw it, right? She tells him not to let his nerves blow this for him. Kyle says it got lost a few times and although he liked the song choice he can see that there’s something breaking him at the moment. Marty answers that he’s missing his git-ar and Kyle barks back that he needs to get rid of that failing. You know, OR they could just bloody let them have their instruments from the beginning. Whatever you bring into the original audition, you should be able to carry it through to any performance you want, damn it. Mark wants him to tell a story and blathers about surfing and I zone out until Dicko speaks. Dicko thinks he was one of the most unique voices in the Top 12 but that he’s so laid back he’s horizontal and needs to get perpendicular. I don’t know about that, I don’t think being too laid back is his issue, I think the nerves are killing him.

They show wacky Brianna Carpenter playing her gorgeous original song ‘Jacqueline’ again in her package and I tell you, she isn’t going to win this show but I would buy a CD of her original stuff right freaking now because that song is LOVELY. Tonight she is singing one of my all time favourite songs, the Beach Boys classic (yes, G, this one IS a classic), ‘God Only Knows’. She starts off a capella and the beginning is kind of nice, her voice floats around in the atmosphere and it’s not too bad. But then it gets kind of bad. Sigh. The Courtjester, Courtney Murphy, sang this in Season Two and had me in tears, he was so good. This almost has me in tears for entirely different reasons. She significantly messes up some notes, and sounds ear blisteringly over sharp at times. Oh Brianna.

Kyle shakes his head and opines that it hurts him to say it, but he didn’t mind it although it did run off the rails a few times. Mark loves her originality but picks up on the pitchy bits, noting that she dropped more than a few bum notes. Dicko is over her cutesy acting already and wants her to stop it and just sing. Marcia says she loves her quirkiness (because it means she won’t last long, right Marcia?) but warns her to watch her pitch and I can already see the gleeful hatred creeping into Marcia’s eyes.

Standouts : Moppet, Jacob, Holly, Natalie, Matt and Tarasai. To go? Probably one of the girls – Holly maybe, even though if we were going off tonight's performances it would be Daniel Misfud, bringing the Daniel MisfudTop Twelve Scarf Watch to an abrupt and early end. But I don’t think it will be one of the guys, they usually have a lot of support at this point, although Joseph Gatehau did go this early last year . . . so fingers crossed it's Misfud or Marty. NOT MOPPET. Go vote for Ben now kids . . .