So, what you're saying is the show was on an hour earlier?

Oh my god. You guys. You GUYS. Idol started at SIX THIRTY. At SIX THIRTY. I only switched my tv on at 6.45. I missed Spano. I missed Spano. And YouTube is giving me no love, instead I've watched his 'Come Said The Boy' performance from the semi finals twice and immersed myself in the Sixty Minutes piece about Great White sharks to make myself feel better. Hello my pretties . . . ooh, what biiiig teeth you have! (And, like every shark story you're ever going to ever see ever again in the history of I Wonder If It Hurts When They Go Chomp, they show Heather Boswell swimming for her life from the great white who took most of her leg. Of course Sixty Minutes, being the PILLAR of ethical, fact checking journalism greatness that the show is, mistakenly attributes her being in the water while she was on a tourist jaunt, when all they needed to do was google her properly or - I don't know - watch any one of the fifty different documentaries that show the footage of her being attacked and where she then talks about how she was there working on a research ship, of which I think I've seen fifteen of them in the last year alone. Seriously Sixty Minutes; Shark Week on The Discovery Channel. Discover it.)

And of course if it's ARIA night, then that means no Mathieson. Which means all the homoerotic content of tonight's show would have occurred as G flirted his little heart out over his ongoing bromance with who? Mark Spano, that's who. AND I MISSED THAT. The homoerotic content of Idol is what gets me through most episodes, people. The sly sidelong glances between G and Mathieson. The touching. The teasing. The pet names. The LOVE. I need the love. How am I expected to make it through an episode without the love?

Oh, and something else harshing my gig, hardcore? That I can't even pick on whatserface Coulter because her marriage just broke up. That's, like, not even cool. How am I meant to mercilessly pick on her as she RUINS MY SHOW whilst her heart is (probably) broken? Why you ruining my weekend, Idol? What's that about? Huh? I'm so distressed by this turn of events I'm not even going to attempt to suggest better songs for the Idols to do. There. Are you happy, show? You've made me not care.

Edited to add later that night
Oooh!! Thank this lovely person for uploading Mark Spano's performance on to YouTube! It's sans judges comments, which really, would make everything go just that little bit faster anyway. He's singing The Supreme's 'You Keep Me Hangin' On'. Ohhh, in a bid to keep poor G from missing his boy Mathieson too terribly much tonight, Spanner is wearing Jimmy's skinny black tie. Those boys, looking out for each other like that. It's just so darling. I can feel the love! I'm a little weirded out to start with because Mark's just standing at his microphone, he's not doing The Mark Spano Crouch or The Mark Spano Head Tilt, he's just standing there singing. It all becomes crystal clear when he throws his arm to the right, along with the backing vocalists, and it's so very The Supreme's 'Stop (In The Name Of Love)' and DUDE, I'd have paid him good money to do that song and wear the slinky Diana Ross dress and the elbow length gloves and get all Beyonce in Dreamgirls sassy on us. Anyway, back to the actual song he is doing, he Callea Points, but (unlike others who will do it later) as this is quite obviously a choreographed Callea Point, I am willing to forgive him this one. But you only get one, Spanner. Use it wisely. He sings it nicely, throwing in some foot tapping, the Crouch, the Head Tilt, some incorrect lyrics and then finishes it off with a full blown jesus pose with head tilt at the very end.

The judges say stuff. Happily, I have no idea what it was but at a guess;
Dicko: love you, you're awesome, your song choice is stellar, that's steeped in Motown-y tradition, have you been listening to my iPod again?
Marcia: you go girlfriend, that's what I'm talking about, meet me backstage for a joint?
Guy: I'm glad I wasn't on the same season as you and The Messiah, you guys would have eaten me for breakfast even if technically I have a far superior voice but still, you scare me a little and I think your neck might be bigger than my thigh, did you know I'm not a virgin anymore?
Kyle: I've never heard that song before but Dicko said it was an important song so I'm faking that I do and can someone tell me why they keep letting people on the panel who patently have more of an idea about how to do this than I do even when the person who proceeds to outjudge me in this particular instance is a kid who has been in the industry only slightly longer than I've had this shirt?
G: Seriously, Jimmy won't be back for hours and besides he'll be all distracted by both Hamish and Andy, and my dressing room is soundproof, whaddya say?

I turn on the tv and hastily press record just as Sophie Paterson starts wailing 'Papa Was A Rollin' Stone' best remembered for the version by The Temptations. She starts this off nicely enough and the bizarre kind of vibrato she has naturally in her voice suits the slower parts of this song. It's after the chorus however, that things go a little . . . haywire. Sophie steers wildly off pitch and she's trying to hit all these big notes and it doesn't seem to be paying off. I don't know, it's still very Sophie but it's nowhere near as compelling a performance as the last three weeks have been (including 'Ana's Song' from last week which wasn't great vocally but I still liked from an emotional viewpoint) and I would expect at this point that a position in the Bottom Three has just been earmarked and bronzed for her (and also Teale) from now until . . . well . . . for as long as it's needed really. Which probably won't be too long . . .

Marcia says Sophie got a lot of what Guy mentored to her and I'm assuming he said she needed attitude because Marcia says that's the most she's shown, and she would have liked to have seen even more. Guy (and is this a world first? Having an exContestant and winner come back as a guest judge? Has Kelly Clarkson judged next to a blissed out Paula Abdul? I feel like if I'd seen the start of the show, G would have told me. Damn it) liked that we saw a different side of her, noting that she's been previously very folky and "breathy" and that she gave that a lot of guts but he still would have liked to have seen more, the "next level (of) Sophie". Kyle says for him, she's just under where she needs to be. He says she may be a slow growing flower that hasn't bloomed yet but that if that's the case, she doesn't have long left to grow. (There's a joke there about fertiliser and the equivalent that spews forth from the judges mouths that I'm too mature to make. I'll just wait whilst you make your own. You done? Excellent. You're funny!) He finishes up by saying he liked the start but by the end he thought it was a little bit screechy. Man, I hate it when we agree. Dicko lauds her "sour tones" and "really nice distinct, alternative folk voice" but he barely recognised the second half of the song - and he's totally right. (Kyle was also right, but Dicko just puts it better. Plus I like him more. Shut up, Kyle.) G and Sophie cutely wave hello to her Dad. I am too concerned at the helmut hair G is rocking tonight to notice he's being adorable with her.

Sidebar; I'm watching the ARIAs as I finish this up and several things strike me. Mathieson looks lost without G. Sam Sparro is as gorgeously nerdy as I ever like my boys to be. Pete Murray needs a haircut. John Butler does not (and looks really good without the dreadlocks). Gabriella Cilmi is one hard looking seventeen year old, the phrase 'rode hard and put away wet', springs to mind. The lead singer of Faker is one seriously flat singer. And I want some of whatever it is that The Presets are smoking.

Luke has had a Dickens of a week! Sorry. SORRY. Anyway, his wife gave birth something like halfway through last weeks Monday night eviction show (bye Thanh! We miss your overwrought renditions of Our Favourites! Not! But seriously, you were a nice guy and just lovely and composed about getting booted from the show when I eventually saw it two days after it happened. Also? Singing 'The Winner Takes It All' as your final song? GORGEOUS touch of irony that I like to think was deliberate. Well played, young man, well played) and about two months early, so I hope the little whippersnapper is doing well. One can assume so or Luke would surely be with his missus and sprog (he totally calls his kid sprog, don't you think?) instead of hanging out with Mr Guy Sebastian. The Temptations get their second song of the night as Luke has aptly chosen 'My Girl' and is dedicating it to his better and more exhausted half. During his segment with Guy, he seems to be really hitting those higher notes nicely, sliding up to them with ease but when he gets on stage (looking sharp in a suit, sans tie) he sounds rougher and struggles a lot more to hit them. But still? This is kind of great to see/hear. He's clicking his fingers, he's swaying side to side, he's crooning his heart out. Who knew this guy could do that? Light and shade? Signed, sealed, delivered, Dicko, it's yours.

. . . sorry.

Guy says it was a perfect song but to be honest, thought that it would be a bit more of A Moment and wants to know if he's slept much. Luke brushes that aside and says it's no excuse he should have put that aside and for real, this guy actually wants to win this damn thing, doesn't he? Don't let the lackadaisical attitude throw you off, this boy is playing to win. Kyle says he's become a father and a singer and as Dicko has requested, has given them something different and advocates sleep at all times. Dude just had a kid, he won't be sleeping properly for the next ten to fifteen years, loser. Dicko is excited by the light and shade he brought, but says that he did it better in rehearsal when he made Dicko cry just a little bit - awwwww - and he's shown he can be a recording artist and not just a pub singer. Dicko gets Marcia to repeat what she said at the rehearsal and it's exactly what Kyle just said about becoming a father and a singer and someone is cribbing someone else's notes . . . I'm just saying. Kyle. G jokingly chastises us, saying if we don't vote for Luke we'll be stealing food from his baby's mouth . . . whatserface jokes about the baby having facial hair. Look, I don't want to do it but I have no defense in the face of her lameness. She's fired.

Sidebar; Jensen Ackles in the new ad for tomorrow nights episode of Supernatural growling at Jared Padalecki that "If I didn't know you, I would want to hunt you"? Is about the sexiest fucking thing on tv at the moment. I've only started watching Season Four but I may have to just throw my hands up in the air and watch this episode as a stand alone because DUDE.

It's time for a little Marvin Gaye (and Tammi Terrell) with Teale Jakubenko's choice of 'Ain't No Mountain High Enough' (although my favourite version is from the Sister Act 2 closing credits. Shut up.) Teale was quite happy about Motown week but Guy has seen enough episodes of this season to know how very boring Teale's singing is and tries to get him to do some adlibs during the song, showing him where to belt and where to hold off and when Guy does his best Marvin Gaye, he sings Teale out of the motherfucking building without even breaking a sweat. Teale - oy - starts off sitting in the audience - for all of two seconds. Look, if you're going to sit in the aisle, stay there for more than that or don't freaking bother. And when he sings "to keep me from getting to you, babe", he Callea Points to the camera when he sings "you". Thank GOD Fosse is at rehearsals and has given up on this season of Idol because right there? We'd be less one tv in this house. Also, trying to impress the wrong exIdol contestant/judge Teale, it's Sebastian this week. Don an afro and trill for Jesus, then you'll be closer. Once again he sings reasonably well but it's just so vanilla. Oh well, at least he's staying away from those really high notes that he . . . oh, I spoke too soon. The end is a bit of a mess.

Kyle says Teale is plateauing the same as Sophie and did he get anything from the workshop with Guy this week? Teale practically froths at the mouth as he raves about how great Guy is. Kyle says he loves him too and doesn't at all mention that Guy rarely gets played on his radio station - oooh, lets have Irish on soon so that Kyle can get his name wrong and pretend that they play his music all the time!! Kyle thinks Guy gave Teale more confidence and that he's lifted. Dicko tells him it's a pretty big song to choose and is "the Motown version of let's get ready to rumble" and what he gave was another clean performance and he's pretty sick of waiting for him to break out of that. He says he may have to accept that with Teale "still waters run still". Marcia prattles on about Teale doing what he has to and if that means he needs to start by sitting next to his girlfriend at the start of the song to get a loose comfortable performance out of him then so be it. Guy mutually raves back at Teale about listening to everything they talked about and loved it.

Chrislyn Hamilton is rocking the third Temptations song of the night with 'Get Ready' and really, like Wes and Mark with Rock last week, this week should be easy peasy for Chrislyn. Guy wants her to pull something new out of her bag, encouraging her to throw some hip shaking momma moments into her song. Chrislyn's hair is unforgiveable again. As is her dancing, or whatever you call that thing that she does right next to poor John Foreman. And the multiple myriad dumbass overly theatrical faces she pulls singing this song. But her singing is back to being aces again. Her glory note is not great, it wavers all over the place but this is still the best she's been in AGES.

Dicko says he couldn't take his eyes off her, for the good reasons - and says when she picks the right song she just tears it up. Marcia tells her she knows she did well, getting all 'girlfriend' and smirky with her and then compliments the dress she's wearing. Which I thought was hideous. Guy is briefly inhabited by the lame ass ghost of You Promised Me Mark Holden Was Gone And This Is The Third Touchdown I've Had to Recap This Season and throws her a TD. Kyle was slightly horrified by the "groin grinding" and says the performance was great and "undescribable" (not a word, he means INdescribable. I bet he says irregardless as well. Ugh.)

I'll actually pay this one - G throws to whatserface Coulter who has a nervous Wes next to her and she jokes that he wants to know how to follow a TD and she dryly drops "You don't. Quit" and if she could bring that kind of dry, quick retort to the show more, I would fire her less.

The contestant I named for the son of a carpenter is singing 'If I Were A Carpenter' by The Four Tops. I could not make this shit up. That is awesome. Except for the part where I don't like this song at all. But Wes Carr doesn't care about that as he is mentored by Guy about how to make this many covered song his own. Also, the whole way through this bit you can just see that The Messiah is itching to steal Guy's silly hat and make that his own. Sadly, he does not. He does however kind of own this song, folking it up beautifully, starting simply and building nicely and his voice sounds great. I kind of wish he'd kept the arrangement simple and crooned the whole thing instead of letting the band in and getting all high tempo and foot tappy with it, but never mind, it's still good.

Marcia says the performance was absolutely spellbinding, and says he's one of the best storytellers they've had on the Idol stage. Guy pins on his #1 Wes Carr Fan badge and tells him he could make a record tonight. Well, not tonight, because these guys have to get themselves to the ARIAs but, The Messiah knows what you mean Guy. He also notes that he's pretty sure that ladies would absolutely want to be his babies (even though the lyric is "would you have my baby", not be) which of course leads Kyle to say that Wes is HUGE in the homosexual crowd partly because they love the whole jesus look. Kyle puts on his much much bigger #1 Wes Carr Fan badge and says as far as they're all concerned, he's ready now. Dicko loves that he took a Motown song, started it off folky and built it and then gets all mushy about having Guy on the panel, raving about him five years later behaving like an artist.

Sidebar; Californication is on whilst I've stopped the tape for a moment to get another coffee and David Duchovny is being dry humped by Callum Keith Rennie in his kitchen. Man, they really want me to watch this show again, don't they? Holy shit! Judy Greer is in it too? This show wants me to have its babies.

Itty bitty Roshani Priddis would fit into the box Diana Ross keeps her wigs in when she travels. She's going to be singing one of my favourite Supreme's song 'Reflections', which was the theme song for tv show 'China Beach' back in the day. Man, I loved that show. It got weird in the last season though. Am I right in remembering that Dana Delaney's character McMurphy had something going with Jeff Kober's Dodger at some point after the Vietnam war? Excuse me, I need to look at some episode guides (god, no wonder this show takes so freaking long to recap, I get caught up on the weirdest tangents). It looks like the answer is no, but I did recently watch Season Six of Buffy that Jeff Kober is in. Bad Willow guts him like a fish and takes all his magic. And Dana is on Desperate Housewives these days, man even the promise of Nathan Fillion on that show couldn't make me watch that. Tangent. Annnyway, Guy says she sings flawlessly as usual but confesses that when he was on the show he would get so nervous that he would trill all over the place (yes, but you did it SO well and you were the first real exposure we had to that kind of oversinging so we let you, Guy and we loved you for it. It's true though, that we have not been as kind to those who came after you. EmilyTheColdlyAnointedOne) and he wants her to not fall into that trap. He gives her some great advice about using her breath to focus the note instead of vocal gymnastics and god bless you, Mr Sebastian. I have to say, this song is just not a good one for her and we need to have another Contestants Choice night to let Roshani get her mojo back, stat. Her lower register does NOT translate well through the mike and my Philips TV, in fact I can barely hear it at the start. She's too breathy and - I can't believe I'm saying this about a song by The Supremes, but - too girly, not to mention pitchier than Sophie was. She's also trilling and glory noting all over the place. The arrangment is a freaking mess and she totally loses the melody at the end. Oh dear.

Guy says he loves what she does and she's so full of life etc but this was supposed to be her week, she's a soul singer and they did everything they could but it wasn't the best song to showcase what she does. He says he still thinks she's brilliant but it was a bad song choice. Kyle agrees and then babbles about her not being on fire enough and then threatens to squirt her with lighter fluid and set her alight. That's not cool, man. So not cool. Dicko is as confused as the rest of us as to why Kyle is threatening to harm Roshani but moves on. He says it should have been a home game for her as the shows 'soul sister' and then meanly calls 'Reflections' a dogs breakfast and HEY, it's a GREAT song, just because Roshani KILLED it dead doesn't mean you have to be mean to it, Dicko, back OFF. He tells her she needs to work on her pitch because it lets her down time after time and at this point in the comp, that ain't good enough. Marcia shakes her head sadly with her Disappointed Face on (she keeps it in a bowl of water under the desk. Interesting note, Kyle once accidentally drank that water and couldn't unpurse his lips for three and a half weeks. It tastes lemony, is what I've heard) and says she isn't going to tell her anything she doesn't know and hang on, but lady, isn't that your freaking JOB? Tell them when they've gone way off track, when they making poor decisions, you are there to help them and . . . oh, forget it, we're so close to done here, I'm just going to say Shutup Marcia and move on. Kyle disses the high pants she's wearing, Marcia babbles some more about giving her "some constructive" advice and why would you want to ruin a perfect record by starting now, Marcia? She does in fact give her some good advice about listening to the band and the backing vocals to keep in pitch and then G comes out and derides Sandilands for being jealous about not being able to wear high pants because "he hasn't seen his belly button since 1993". Get that man a glass of fine scotch and his Mathieson, he's earned them both.

Bottom three; Teale, Sophie, Roshani. I imagine Teale or Sophie will go. I'd start packing if I were either of them.
Top three; Wes, Luke, Mark and Chrislyn. So, top four.

TallulahBelle out.