S.O.S.

Before we get to the bitching and snarky portion of this evening's entertainment, I'd like to take a moment and remember Levi Kereama, who you may remember from Season One of Idol and who has reportedly committed suicide this weekend. Levi wasn't one of my favourites in Season One, he certainly wasn't someone whose career I followed but I remember quite clearly, him doing the rap portion of Bobby Brown's 'Every Little Step I Take' (which I think was also the week he left Idol.) Rest in peace, Levi. I hope wherever you are, you find a little of the comfort and happiness it appears you were missing in your life.

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ABBA . . . I mean . . . ABBA? That's . . . ABBA?! I gotta say, that's ballsy, right there, choosing an ABBA themed night. (I need quite desperately to be able to write ABBA with the backwards B. Damn it. It just looks . . . wrong all forwards like that.) Can we find out whoever it was who first piped up during the Choose Idol Theme Nights business meeting at Idol HQ and said they thought it would be all kinds of hilarity to get the kids 'Voulez-Vous' and 'Ring Ring'ing their way through a Sunday evening? And then you can all jump in the backseat of my car and we'll drive to their house and beat the EVER LOVING SHIT out of said person. Because MAN. It was not a good night. Less than half of the performances were good, less than half. The only thing saving that person from severe frontal lobe damage is the supreme mega awesomeness of Mathieson and G getting all Agnetha and Frida as they introduce the show. In Swedish. Possibly the best start to the night, ever. And on the bright side, I don't need to come up with my own theme this week because hello?! ABBA!! I can't top that.

Where's backup singer Gary Pinto? Have they given him the night off so all three BVs are girls for tonights show. You'd think that would somehow translate into some lovely harmonies. It doesn't. Bring back Pinto!! (Nerm at TWoP tells me that Gary's band CBD were in Perth this weekend for their annual Telethon - at which the lovely Damien Leith also made an appearance - so he was busy this weekend. Thanks for the heads up Nerm!)

G calls the judges Benny, Bjorn and Marcia and joins Mathieson in, it has to be said, mildly mocking both ABBA and Australia's love affair with them and for real, ABBA Gold is one of those CD's that every house in the country owns. There were at least two copies in our house. Which is nothing on Counting Crow's 'August and Everything After' of which there were three copies.

First performer up Chrislyn Hamilton is bringing out the big guns and firing up 'Mamma Mia' and I give thanks everyday that I didn't have to go see either the musical or the movie, one of the perks of being on the other side of the country to my mother. (Hola Mama!) Even Fosse knew better than to try and drag me to that film, even if I LOVE Amanda Seyfried because of Veronica Mars and La Streep is my god. Chrislyn tries real hard to inject that ABBA feeling into her performance, starting off giving us her profile whilst she sings and bopping around the stage all attitude and sass but it feels slightly off. Her singing is not great, she's shaky and it is not as good as when Red and I hear this song at parties and immediately jump up and mime the words, along with movements and perfectly timed head turns and swivels. (Yeah, we're THOSE friends.) We ROCK this song. Dicko would freaking LOVE us. Next season Red, you and me!

Dicko didn't mind the fact that Chrislyn put double cheese on it but tells her she needs to start refining what she does and then slams stylist Sheridan for putting her in a size too small spandex shiny top which pulls in all the wrong places across her stomach. Marcia tells her she knows who she is (and if she doesn't, she can check her drivers licence, right Marcia?) and then commends her for making her performance "the send up that ABBA sometimes becomes now". Riiiight. Sorry, what? Shut up, Marcia. Kyle says if you're going to go for fun then she should have gone the full Muriel's Wedding and worn the white jumpsuit. Chrislyn jokes that she thought about it and no Chrislyn, no one makes a white jumpsuit work. He calls it fun and well sung but says that he agrees with Dicko about what she's wearing perhaps not being the best outfit for her to wear - whereas a white jumpsuit is so very slimming.

whatserface Coulter talks about dancing in her living room to ABBA and how much she loves them. So basically, she would have been FINE if Season Two had had ABBA night instead of The Beatles, because really, who are The Beatles? Just four upstarts from the UK that didn't in any way influence the next DECADE (or two. or three.) of music. Who cares about The Beatles, right?

Sophie Paterson is giving 'Gimme Gimme Gimme' the Sophie Paterson Treatment (previously know as The Bobby Flynn Treatment). Slowing it down, stripping the melody right back and making it an entirely new and different song. It's very reminiscent of what she did last week but I don't care because it's still GREAT. No, it's not sung pitch perfect and she's got that waver-y, mournful tone to it that if you don't like that kind of singing, you don't like Sophie; but man oh man, she's completely seperated herself from the ABBA version and the sample that Madonna used that all the kids would have recognised. It's actually a pretty ballsy move and a great arrangement. It's very sexy. I love it. I'm pretty sure I'd get quickly bored of a full Sophie Paterson CD of nothing but this, but I'd certainly download this single and her song from last week off of iTunes.

Marcia likes the way she changes things around and is really glad the "old Soph" is back. Kyle says she shows us now every week what kind of artist she's going to be and "those that love that will eat that up for breakfast". I'll have a side of Canadian bacon and eggs sunny side up with my Sophie Paterson performance thanks. And pulpy orange juice. Ta. Dicko calls her the first of The Interpreters of the night, turning 'GGG' into a slow hand trip hop version. He calls it a smart positioning statement but says she lacked focus and wasn't quite smouldering or intense enough for the arrangement she'd put together.

whatserface tells us all how hard the ABBA songs are to sing - and you can just take it as read that everytime she says ABBA, she means The Beatles and we should all, especially me, get the fuck off her back about the hateful thing she did to 'We Can Work It Out' that got her booted off the show. Give me an 'F'. Give me an 'I'. Give me an 'R'. You know how the rest of that goes.

Thanh Bui is singing 'The Winner Takes It All'. Thanh's family have bought all the glitter and sparkly pens in Sydney in a sign making frenzy. Mardi Gras is going to be a little Corporate Boardroom Off White Coloured Carpet this year. Thanh has seated himself at the piano, which immediately means I'm going to enjoy his performance a thousand times more than I normally do because there will be no Callea-ism's. He . . . wow . . . he sings this really well, it's a great version of this song except for the really high bits that he stretches just that little too far to reach. He misses, but only slightly and it is hands down his best performance of the season thus far. It's emotional, it's reasonably well sung and I don't mind it. What the hell? Next thing you know, I'll be buying the entire Anthony Callea back catalogue. (Never happen. Ever.) When he finishes, he looks well chuffed with himself, and really, he should.

Kyle says they should have ordered Thanh with no cheese from day one because that was spot on. There were no theatrics, he was sincere/humble and great vocally and it was stunningly wonderful. Dicko says ABBA night was a jackpot for him, with perfect song choice and tonight was bloody fantastic. Marcia joins the list of people Mark Holden wants to sue when she gives him a motherfucking Touchdown. Marcia Marcia Marcia. Shut up. He was good, but he was in no way that good and also stop with the TDs okay? Did they maybe decide to take one each? If so, Kyle's had his and now Marcia, so Dicko has one TD left. Then we will never speak of this again. (Euph thinks he may be sleeping with Marcia. There are not enough 'w's in the world for that ewwwwwwww.)

Sidebar: Ohhh, dilemma. Foxtel tells me the movie Secretary is on Channel Ten tonight at 10.54 but! Resident Evil is on Channel Seven at 11.35. Decisions, decisions. Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader and some extremely hot BDSM . . . or Milla Jovovich kicking the Umbrella Corporation's ass? (BDSM stands for bondage, discipline/dominance, sadism&masochism and really, the submissive holds all the power in a real BDSM relationship, contrary to what you might think. You should just not ask how I know that. Oh, hey mum. Why yes, I was also talking about safety words last week and . . . huh? Well, when did Dad start reading my blog? It's all very well for him to be unimpress . . . I do NOT swear too much. Or talk about inappropriate material, my readers are grown ups and . . . you know, I'm a grown woman, for crying out loud, I haven't lived home since I was . . . oh fine. Isn't this just going to make Christmas awkward this year.) (Especially seeing as Secretary is TOTALLY going to win out. What? It's a great film. And I may have once made my mother watch Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down but she took me to see Basic Instinct and Michael Douglas' penis. So . . . yeah, we're still not even.)

It's cabaret night on Idol! At least, that's obviously what the memo said that Roshani Priddis and her performance of 'Money Money Money' got. It's Cheese with a Capital Ch. It's Mainland freaking Cheddar. She's doing this low pitched growl that's pure Marlene Dietrich as played by Jane Curtin in that one episode of Third Rock From The Sun where the aliens all had their first dreams. That was in Dick's dream, if I recall correctly. That was a great episode. This is not a great performance and when she reaches into John Foreman's back pocket and actually pulls some money out and practically winks at the camera as she throws it in the air, I check out completely. Shaneequa wants to know where the harmonies are, I want to know where her pitch is. Euph notes that Roshani is flat. And not just her singing. (That's a booby joke and this is officially the blog with the most sexual references ever.) Oh, it's just awful and the key change does NOT help her. We're done here thanks.

Dicko was nervous about her doing that cabaret style but thinks she carried it off well and that she gave us all 'fun'. Whatever, I would rather have had 'singing' and 'pitch' and 'no cheese' myself. I mean there's good cheese and there's bad cheese and that was BAD cheese, I don't care how much fun she was having. Marcia also says she had found the fun in that song as it's heavily influenced by Cabaret and look, if she'd come out in the Sally Bowles hat and ridiculously long eyelashes and done 'Money Makes The World Go Around' with G playing the MC, I would have been sold but . . . oh, you mean cabaret, not the musical Cabaret. Sorry, my mistake. Carry on. Kyle loved the song choice but hated her corset and was waiting for her boobs to pop out and was worried they'd have to go to the Channel Ten logo at some stage. Mathieson dryly points out they would have to go to TWO Channel Ten logo's and now everyone's making the booby jokes!

Wes Carr and his silky, luxurious (seriously, dude is a freaking Pantene commercial) and hatless (yay!) exJohnny Young Talent Time locks, sings 'Fernando'. And he totally turns it into a Beatles number. Huh. Trying to make a point Messiah? Don't bother, whatserface ain't listening, she's too busy telling everyone about how she's glad she didn't have to do this when she was on Idol, she just had to do the Beatles and no one cares about The Beatles, do they?? F. I .R. E. D. Honestly, once the strings and the backing vocalists kick in with him it's very old school rock. It's rather wonderful.

Marcia talks about how so many of ABBA's songs are feminine but that he made this song sound like it was written for him. Kyle AGAIN shows he knows absolutely zilch about any song ever written ever, saying this is a song about a girl in love with a Spanish man and you idiot. AT LEAST GOOGLE THE FUCKING LYRICS BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH. It's actually about two friends who fought together years ago during the Spanish Civil war, there is no reference to love beyond friendship and brotherhood and just because it was sung by a woman and it's called 'Fernando' doesn't mean it's about love. GOD. He did think it was great and would love to hear it on the radio tomorrow. It's written in Dicko's contract that he's not permitted to call Kyle out for being a moron when he talks about lyrics so he quickly moves on to how Wes gives them greatness week after week and that he turned it into a modern rock song and built it well.

ABBA. 'Waterloo'. Mark Spano. Heeeeeeeee. If there is finger pointing a la Muriel, he is GOLDEN as far as I'm concerned. He HATES ABBA. Oh, man. There is no finger pointing. There is completely aimless wandering of the stage, there is stuffing up of the lyric (twice), there is a care factor of zero. Oh man, he has Don't Care written ALL over him, he might as well be wearing it on a tshirt. I care more about this for him than he currently does. Maaarrrk. He doesn't even sing it as well as he could. I've fallen slightly out of love just from the sheer disappointment.

Kyle tells him you could see that he didn't care for the theme, that he still did a reasonable job but that it was obvious he hated it. He gives him kudos for continuing with the performance. Dicko makes the obligatory joke that Spano has met his Waterloo and surrendered and that it was horrible to watch. He tells him he will have to do songs he won't like (like the Idol Single if you win) and that the original version by ABBA rocked more than that. Spanner tries to argue with him and Dicko SMACKS him down for having his hand in his arse and sulking. (I later tell Fosse who missed Idol because of rehearsals that Dicko reamed Mark. Fosse somehow hears that as Dicko rimmed Mark and the conversation never fully recovers. Okay, now it's officially the blog with the most sexual references ever.) Marcia still thinks Mark is the bomb and that he owns the stage. She tells him not to let the song get on top of him and to never apologise and a VERY sulky Mark says he's not apologising for anything. G also still loves him and gives him the old hand on the shoulder and flirty eyes.

Madam Parker is singing my mother's all time favourite ABBA song - actually, this may be her all time favourite FAVOURITE song of any group - 'Dancing Queen'. Euph notes that she's wearing the hat EmilyTheColdlyAnointedOne wore one episode in Season Three. Madam that is, not my mother. Although Mum could be wearing a jaunty hat as we speak, I don't know, it's possible. Honestly, until you've seen my mum with a grandkid in her arms singing at the top of her lungs, completely off tune and dancing like a total spazz and not giving a good godDAMN who is watching (or in my case, doubled over on the floor laughing her arse off as MamaBelle sings the chorus to the tune of the verse), you ain't seen 'Dancing Queen' done right. Madam's performance starts off as a pastiche of reggae and RnB and she totally messes with the song. It's awful. Fosse's snoring in the next room at one thirty in the morning sounds better. (It really doesn't.) She's really breathy and staccato and when she pauses two thirds of the way to randomly 'whooohhhoooooh', it's just bad.

Dicko is a little taken aback that everyone's so spooked at doing ABBA and if she'd just taken the song and listened to the structure, forgotten about ABBA, it's really no different to a lot of 70's soul numbers which should have suited her. He calls it one of the most apprehensive performance's she's done and wants to know what the problem was. She says she had fun. Dicko's eyebrows say different and he tells her to toughen up a bit. Marcia thought she was going to have more trouble and liked how she gave it a clubby feel. She tells her never to be scared of a song but liked that she had fun with it. Kyle really enjoyed it but thinks she could have thrown away her inhibitions away more. He then rabbits on for about ten minutes about how ace she is. She gets a hug from Mathieson and now I'm jealous.

Teale Jakubenko wants to use ABBA to give us the Real Teale. He then performs the Rick Price version of 'Thank You For The Music'. I have nothing else to add. Oh! And when he uses his high register towards the end I screech at him to stop doing it and then ask Shaneequa if this is how she felt everytime Irish falsetto'd. She confirms that yes, Irish's falsetto drove her nuts. I apologise profusely (and then whisper to myself that at least Irish rocked his falsetto.) It's just so bland and blah and perfectly him and I'm bored now . . . judges?

Marcia says that's the happiest and most comfortable she's seen him and gives props to the two guitarists who were up with him (John and Rex) and also the backing vocalists. Kyle is glad he enjoyed it and says everyone owned that song and Marcia calls it their most beloved song. (Really? I think you'll find that would be 'Dancing Queen', Brown Sugar) Kyle compliments his vocals, calling him a supreme vocalist and a real contender. Dicko loves that he appreciates ABBA but wants to know why he chose a super naff, granny pleaser of a song and barely restrains himself from looking sidelong at Marcia as he calls it the worst song they ever did. Dicko (who bothers to know or find out this stuff, KYLE) reminds us all that it was a B side from another album and only got used when they did their greatest hits and that ABBA themselves didn't like it to start. Dicko tells him his voice is getting better and he's turning into a real contender.

whatserface wants to know if ABBA is up Luke Dickens' alley and condescendingly pats him on the knee and says hopefully he'll do a good job. What's Swedish for fired? The Muppets Swedish Chef says it's 'Gersh gurndy morn-dee burn-dee bork bork bork'. That's good enough for me. This is the performance I've been waiting to see. What the hell is Luke going to do to ABBA's 'Knowing Me, Knowing You' when he can't really Joe Coker it? I'll be perfectly frank, it's kind of strangely great. He rocks it completely and sings it well. The arrangement is a rocked out version of the original but he's made it his own. This dude CONSTANTLY surprises me. He was better than Spanner this week. That hurts me to type, but there it is.

Kyle hated the first twenty seconds, then he got into it, then he wanted to sing along and there were no "ah haaaaah's" for him to sing. Well, now you know how I felt when Anthony Callea did Toto's 'Hold The Line' and the "woh woh woh"s were missing. Dicko tells him he took the song to an awfully dark place and makes his third or fourth Wolf Creek comparison. 'Wolf Creek', it's the new 'favourite song'! Dicko still wants him to discover a sweeter voice. Luke laconically smiles that he'll work on it. Marcia thinks people will be looking at him and saying "you know, that shearer bloke can sing". She agrees with Dicko that he needs to show some light and shade and Kyle mutters something about his beard and Luke jokes that his hideous facial hair is the only thing giving him 'shade'. G and Mathieson leap to his defence and harp on about Kyle's own hideous facial hair and Dicko drags Luke's Missus into the mix.

Recap - holy hell, I totally forgot Chrislyn was still even on the show. On a second viewing I am even more impressed with Thanh. Dude.

Bottom three; Roshani, Madam, and my beloved Spanner.
Forgettable; Teale and Chrislyn.
Best three of the night; Sophie, Wes and OH MY GOD Thanh. Very closely followed by Luke, just edged out.

Go home Teale. And whatserface? Gersh gurndy morn-dee burn-dee bork bork bork. Yeah, you heard me.

TallulahBelle out.