Top Ten

Hi. Yeah. Last week. I still can't muster up the enthusiasm to watch the whole thing. I tried, really, but Suzi Quatro's voice is cracked to hell and you could hardly hear her singing when she did 'Devil Gate Drive' and also, relevance much? I mean, I think having her there is awesome, but did any of these kids really know who she was - maybe Casey and Toby as they're older, but the others? I guess you could say that because of Suzi Q, we had bands like Hole and the messed uppedness of Courtney Love (who FYI kids, was emo and cutting herself LONG before Panic! At The Disco taught themselves how to apply eyeliner) - and for real, if someone had done Hole's 'Celebrity Skin', I might have made it through the show. So no rock week.

Does anybody else want to apologise to the cast of Glee for flying all the way to Australia and having to sit through Australian friggin Idol? That's JANE FUCKING LYNCH, Channel Ten publicity people, WHY would you do that to someone like her???? Did you prefer Catherine O'Hara or Parker Poser in A Mighty Wind? (Note; both are also Awesome.) Does she not MOVE you as Dr Reid's mom on Criminal Minds? She's one of the busiest and best female character actors in the US (her and Missi Pyle, really, more people should know their names) and you've got her sitting in the audience being subjected to the most boring season of Australian Idol EVER and then when you do send someone to talk to the cast - a) it's Ricki fucking Lee and b) SHE DOESN'T TALK TO A (clearly amused) JANE LYNCH. Morons. Although G still misses Mathieson so much he cuddles up to Matthew Morrison who is still cute, even with the bad facial hair. Apparently the Top 11 sang their own bastardised version of 'Don't Stop Believing'. *shrug* Didn't happen on MY tv. The FF button is ACES.

Moving on and waving goodbye to Casey. Bye Casey, you seemed like a nice guy and adequate singer but you were never going to even come close to winning and I'm kind of surprised you didn't go last week. Hope you didn't rehearse your song too much.


First up, guest mentor, Our Delta loving, smoothly Irish accented, surprisingly funny, ex boy bander Brian McFadden encourages Sabrina Batson not to back away from the big notes that she does "better than anyone else". So the following performance of Kelly Rowland's 'When Love Takes Over' is NO ONE'S FAULT BUT HIS OWN. She wails, she smirks coyly, she caterwauls, she overacts, she's more theatrical than the ENTIRE CAST OF GLEE and she makes me want to punch myself in the face for having performed musical theatre when I was younger. She does not hit enough good notes in her performance to get away with this shit. God, that was SHOCKING and I want her to please STOP YELLING AT ME. She totally looks cute though.

Dicko explains to her that her big mouth is what got her into trouble and landed her in the B3 this week. Sir, I respectfully disagree. That performance is the reason Rock Week sapped the will to live from me, it was AWFUL. It was at times boring or histrionic and you people need to stop pampering the Idols, because otherwise, who is going to point it out to them when they are making people's ears bleed? Brian agrees with Dicko and hastily renegs on his earlier advice to 'go big'. It's too fucking late now, McFadden. Marcia thinks Sabrina is dynamite and gives some bullshit if you're happy and you know it advice that no one is listening to. JD (who FYI, Fosse pretty much wants to lick all over) thinks it was a great way to start the show. START? Dude, the show's been going for almost 30 minutes, an Idol is gone, Journey's 'Don't Stop Believing' will never be the same and whatserface has had more screentime than I'm entirely comfortable with. G comes out and for real, she's wearing MASSIVE fucking heels and Sabrina still only *just* makes it up to his shoulder.

Toby Moulton orginally auditioned in front of Brian way back when and tonight is singing an acoustic version of A-ha's 'Take On Me', which, totally awesome, except he's singing someone's else's acoustic version and not the actual version that hit the Top 10 but it doesn't matter because Kate's going to do something similar later and also Toby's song is so fucking dull and uninspiring and I like the guy, but I roll my eyes so much during this performance that I strain something and blink funny for the next ten minutes. His singing is okay but not great, he hits more than a few bum notes , his falsetto is still for crap and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

*snorfle* Huh? *yawn* Oh, yeah, judges, you awake? Brian says it was beautiful and he obviously slept through it as well and is making it up as he goes along - s'okay Brian, we'll keep your secret! Marcia babbles about light and shade and says something about pitch and I think - for a millisecond - that she's about to ream him for all the crap bits but no, she's proud he went for them. I note that she doesn't say he HIT them. JD wants to know if Toby thinks he's broken out of his comfort zone and Toby is very sweet and self effacing and thanks the cello player and yeah, he's LOVELY but he's a not a great singer. I will totally still date him though. Dicko makes me angry by comparing Toby to My Beloved Irish and then mocking My Beloved Irish's recent claims that he made no money from his Winner's Journey CD. The strength of the scream of anger that issues forth from my mouth breaks the sound barrier.

G is still in love with Kim Cooper. Mathieson sharpens the needles for the voodoo doll he's fashioned.

Brian advises Kim Cooper, still recovering from her shock B3 position earlier in the night, to make eye contact with the audience. Sadly, he doesn't advise her to rock out one of Lady Gaga's eclectic outfits (like the time she wore Kermit's extended family)

Nut. Bag.

or to stuff a sock down her pants and tuck it as Lady Gaga does . . . allegedly . . . when Kim sings The Crazy One's 'Just Dance'. Her voice sounds great, the singing is easily the best singing of the night thus far but this is such a nothing song, it's a dance track and those kinds of songs just never work. Also, the lyrics are especially naff. Sorry Mr . . . Ms Gaga.

Marcia says the best thing about the performance was that she had fun with it. Insightful as ever, Ms Hines. JD loves her pop sensibility, her attitude and thinks she's a marketing dream but wants her voice to go from good to great. Careful JD, that was almost critique, there's no place for that here! Dicko tells her she has a generic pop voice and that she needs to find something that's going to stand up and be her signature. Kim! Nothing says signature like the mass killing and wearing of Muppets on your person!! Brian lays into her song choice, saying she sounded generic because of the song she picked - and yeah, anyone can be autotuned to sound like Lady Gaga so really, why would you want to naturally? G's wife doesn't have a voodoo doll but has had words with him about not touching the hot blonde and he keeps his hands firmly in his pockets.

Stan Walker possibly didn't see the season where group after group MASSACRED Silverchair's 'Straight Lines' at the Seymour Centre and where NOBODY got close to Daniel Johns' high notes because if he had, he would have chosen more wisely. Is Stan's NZ accent getting thicker each week? I almost need subtitles on this kid, for real, at one point he says 'gud thung', he DOES! I want him to order fish and chips for six. Heeeee. Sorry Fosse, I'll stop making fun of your people's accent now. Strangely, you can't hear the accent when he sings. He's like Bono. It's quite an RnB version of this song. I'm fairly certain Daniel Johns will HATE that. He sings it very . . . happily. The vocals are pretty good though.

JD is glad he's back on the male songs. Dude sang METALLICA last week. You don't get more masculine than Metallica, JD, I thought you knew music??? JD enjoyed his soul tones but didn't get his connection to the lyric - THANK YOU. He sadly follows "you're growing" with "when's the last time you hit the gym?" and Stan's face is hilarious and Marcia slowly starts moving her chair away from JD's. Dicko says he can do anything, soul/pop/rock and that normally that would annoy him but that Stan brings them all into his own world. He notes that there's nothing sophisticated about him and that it looks like he's been 'saved' every time he sings. Brian was worried about him doing Silverchair but says he can sing the crap out of anything. He wants to see Stan get cockier and swagger a bit more though. Marcia says it had great energy and he held his notes and that he looks just fine as he is. JD jumps in again to say that wasn't what he was saying and G, usually the first to CATAPULT himself down a judges throat if they say something about the younger contestants weight, clarifies that JD meant Stan needed to be fit for stage performing and throws in that Beyonce's dad used to make Destiny's Child rehearse on treadmills. That . . . seems . . . whack.

Itty bitty cutie James Johnston is, ugh, singing Train's 'Drops of Jupiter' and don't get me wrong, this song comes on the radio, I'm singing at the top of my effing lungs but to choose as a song that's meant to represent you as an artist? Might as well sing something by Hootie and the Blowfish, man, if you wanna be white, be WHITE. James does add a nice little country twang to the song, which is different and he's got a quite nice voice and he gets the girlies screaming and I continue to like how he arranges songs. He may very well prove to be our Kris 'Guy Who Won Recent Season of American Idol Instead Of The Actual Interesting Artist' Allen.

Dicko thought it was just a bit too sickly sweet, calling him young and cute and says the performance was a bit too pleased with itself and he got a sugar rush. Brian disagrees and thinks he's progressing nicely. He says he was getting ready to crucify James if he performed as tensely as he'd been rehearsing but that James was relaxed and smiling. Marcia adores him and thinks he's doing very well and asks him to continue, yeah? Unsurprisingly, James doesn't scream a refusal and immediately leave the show. JD says he's previously been confused about the kind of artist James wants to be but that going back to that Train CD, it's a mix of pop/country/indie and he gets it now. James' hair is really high, I don't think I noticed that about him before.

Scott Newnham doesn't have anyone helping him with song choice. I know this because WHOO BOY, he's taking on Seal's 'Kiss From A Rose', and only men who've slept with Heidi Klum can successfully perform that song (her breasts are magic. Those who watch Project Runway know I speak true facts) and all others should shy away. Shy! Shy! Oh, the high notes are baaaaad. Dude. And he looks terrified.

Brian loves his voice. Still? Even after that? Okay. He thinks he lacks confidence and that it's very visible and needs to pick songs that help him feel comfortable. Marcia AGAIN brings up that it's the ___th time he's EVER sung in front of an audience and we're over that right? She tells him he did a very good rendition of the song and then calls it one of her favourites - DRINK! JD says he picked a song that exposed his vocals - dirty - and that he needs to be more careful with song choice. Scott says he wanted a challenge and JD admires that but Dicko, first confirming Scott is a snowboarder, tells him he just went down the vocal equivalent of a black run. He says he was crapping himself watching Scott and doesn't want to feel that uncomfortable, please pick better songs and also get better. Thanks.

I love Kelly Clarkson and I've heard her sing 'Since You've Been Gone' live and even she stumbles on some of those higher, bigger notes. Nathan Brake doesn't do a bad job at all, he does sound like he's straining on some of the big moments though. There's not a lot else to add, it's a good job, sung reasonably well, nice poppy song. Carry on.

Marcia thinks he's unlearning all the theatrical things he's been taught and is doing a good job of it but gives him some actual decent advice to watch himself perform (the hand gestures are still very Les Mis). JD wants to know if he's had his heart broken and isn't he sixteen or something? Unless the Jonas Brothers broke up, I think he's probably fine. JD wants him to explore who he is and Nathan jumps right on that because he takes it that JD means explore his sexuality, which he didn't and until you say you're not straight, very young contestant, then that is how we shall play it. Dicko also wants to address this - saying that backstage Nathan is effusive, fun, natural and quite camp - and frankly, some young boys these days lean so far over metrosexual that it's becoming hard to tell and I'm all for that, no labels man, lets drop hetero and homo and kick around the middle of the Kinsey scale, m'kay? - but that on stage he becomes unnecessarily blokey and a bit awkward. Right. What I think Dicko is saying that the blokey thing isn't ringing true and it's adding a touch of artifice to his performance that isn't needed. What he SHOULD be saying is that Nathan should be downloading every inch of performance that Adam Lambert did on US Idol and learning from the master. And you don't have to be gay to be as awesome as Glambert, Nathan, you just need to harness your total and utter fuck off cool. Brian namechecks Freddie Mercury as being brilliantly camp and awesome and all we need now is a bit of David Bowie and we'd have the Glam Three. Brian doesn't want to crit him because he thinks he's fantastic but wants Nathan to go back to songs that really showcase his voice like his original audition of 'Bohemian Rhapsody'. He tells him not to listen to anyone but himself - and not to harp on a point, but seriously, Adam Lambert didn't listen to ANYONE but himself on Idol. God, he's awesome. Where's his fucking CD?? I NEEEEED IT.

Kate Cook is officially my favourite this season - and if you'd stopped me in the street a month ago and said "LulahB, this season on Idol a husky voiced, country singin', cowboy hat wearin', ocker as HELL lesbian butcher will give you goosebumps when she sings", I'd have asked you to share your stash. Her version of Fleetwood Mac's 'Landslide', by way of the absolutely AWESOME Dixie Chicks, is sublime. No, it is not perfectly sung, not at all. She musses up a few notes but (wo)man alive, it is just lovely and very moving. She's completely believable and sincere and just . . . sigh. I have a total girlcrush on her.

JD calls it a captivating performance and tells her to keep on doing what she's doing and that he enjoyed seeing the vulnerable side of Kate. Dicko is mooneyed over her, telling her he adores her and calls it divine. Brian says it's the most believable performance of the night and that he felt every word she said (sung). Marcia says the most important thing about being a great performer is showing yourself. Kate does not check to see if her fly is undone.

Singing Justin Timberlake's ' What Goes Around (Comes Around)' is Tim Johnston and he misses out on the prime opportunity to wear a jaunty hat and oh, who cares, dude, this guy is SO frigging pretty, I want to lick my tv when he's on it. It's well sung but kind of dull. You need a huge stage and light shows and backing singers kicking it with rappers built like linebackers and be Justin Timberlake to really make this song work on stage. The house band and backing vocalists, whilst fine musicians, do not really cut it I'm afraid. Therefore, Tim is pretty, his singing is adequate, but his song choice is gonzo.

Dicko maligns the performance and says in terms of raw sex, there was zero going on. Brian says he's a good singer and a nice guy and that he looks great, but that it's not Tim, it's Brian, they just aren't in the same space and Brian's coming off a bad breakup and doesn't think he can commit to the kind of relationship that Tim wants but he just knows there's someone out there for Tim, he just knows it. *arched eyebrow* For real, McFadden, just take him to a nice restaurant and break up with him there where he can't make a scene. Brian calls 'WGA(CA)' a record song that doesn't work in this arena and doesn't show Tim off as an artist. Then he gives him a box with all the stuff Tim had left at his place during the time they were together along with a mixed tape that might help it all make more sense. Marcia comes at him from a females point of view - dirty - and tells him that he did do the song with his conviction and his spirit but that he shouldn't do songs just because he likes them and that he should think about that. Whatever, lady. JD wants to know why he picked the song and Tim loves it, loves JT and that this is the kind of direction he wants to go in. Tim tugs at our heart strings by confessing that some STUPID woman in the UK liked someone else over him. She's either blind or NUTS. He's HOT.

Hayley Warner sings. My Foxtel IQ has something against her and cuts it off, but from what I remember she was not bad, only her lipstick ended up all over her mike and upper lip. Judges said stuff, I don't remember, except that JD mocked her lippy and she had absolutely no clue what he was carrying on about. G came to the rescue.

And they all lived happily ever after until next week when probably Sabrina goes home. Maybe Toby. Eh, I suck at that bit . . .

TallulahBelle out

xx