Aaaah, the fickle vagaries of the Song Choice . . .

Aaah, song choice. You temperamental bitch. You got ‘em good last night, didn’t you? You sweet talked them into choosing Songs Of Death, lulled them into tweaking with the rhythm, screwing with the arrangement, dared them to cut whole verses, and then danced merrily on their freshly self-dug graves. Last night - I swear - I could almost hear you cackling hysterically as one after the other, the Wildcards danced with the devil and lost BIG time. Why is this so hard? Isn’t it fairly obvious that you pick either a current well known song, or - if you pick something that is quite obscure - make sure that your voice suits it soooooo well that no-one even remembers that they didn’t know the song. Prime examples of this is both Chanel (wonderfully singing Portishead’s ‘Glory Box’. Sigh. Love!) and the CourtJester (a better version of ‘She Will Be Loved’ by Maroon 5 than Maroon 5's own version) in their Top 30 performances from last year. And I know I carry on about Chanel looooong past the point of everyone’s patience, but don’t you miss her? And the CourtJester? Not ONE Wildcard got it right last night. Not. One.

Idiots.

(The only thing that gave me joy last night was the first sighting of Marcia – Marcia dressed in the dark again!! And the fuschia lipstick made a reappearance, I think that might be my favourite Marcia lipstick EVA!! I hope she wears it always . . .)

Chloe (Who? The foetus in the short-shorts.) Finally Chloe goes and does something to make us remember her, but it’s the wrong thing. I’d like to think that Chloe’s mum immediately grounded her 16 year old daughter upon her first appearance on our screens wearing those tiny things. Even I felt like a dirty old man for perving on her and only one of those adjectives actually describes me. (And its not dirty or man.) If only her singing had been memorable. Or her choice of song. Or her outfit. I mean less memorable. Dirty Old Man Vote will not be enough.

Lindsay (Do you wanna punch him in the mouuuuuuthhh, ohhhh yeah!!!) Get off my tv screen. Go. Git. I don’t mean to be rude . . . actually, yes I do. Fuck off. What a crapfest of a song, sung with way too much gusto and teeth. *shudder* Screaming Metal Deadhead Vote will not be enough.

Roxane (Please, not another Ngairre) One of the two decent performances tonight, Roxane started off way too shaky but she picked it up by the second quarter of the song and RIPPED the glory note – hallelujah! She picked a crappy song – initially I thought that wouldn’t be a problem because her first song choice wasn’t great either but she sang that beautifully. She still deserves to go through, she was one of the best last night and if the audience doesn’t pick her (shame on you Australia!) then the judges better, because why should Chris Luder be the only Idol to get through based on stronger previous performances? Bridget Jones Vote should get her through.

Michael (Quelle surprise) I take back what I said about Michael last week, coffee is NOT the only thing he’s good at. If we assume that last weeks incredibly poor performance was nerves based then he must have been on valium last night, because he was really good. Lovely, haunting quality to his voice that served the song well. Poor song choice still though – I don’t remember a thing about the song, only that he sang it well. Barista Buddies Vote probably won’t get him through – maybe Judge’s Choice number one??

Lauren (Hey Big Spender) Why did 17yr old Millie get kudo’s from the judges for singing some old jazzy cabaret number, but then OLDER Lauren practically got spat on? Not that we’re not used to (SHUTUP) Marcia not making any coherent kind of sense from minute to minute, let alone from week to week, but still?? Lauren can really sing and it sucks that she keeps hamstringing herself this way. I loved the verbal smackdown she laid on the judges and then the extremely articulate undercurrent of ‘fuck off’edness she had whilst discussing song choice with Mathieson and G. For that alone, I would love her to get through but its doubtful. Harry Connick Jr Vote won’t get her through, he’s too busy in N’awlins.

Josh (check out my hook while the DJ revolves it . . .) Ew. Just . . . ew. I wanted to call Vanilla Ice and tell him all was forgiven and hey, when can we expect a new album, bro? Ick song, ick delivery, monumentally sucky. Stupid Teeny Girl Vote might get him through. Horrid thought, isn’t it . . . ?

Irene (She’s a red dye job away from being the star of a wacky, zany, antic laden sitcom.) PdiddyCakes loves this girl. Not her singing (although she doesn’t suck too terribly at that) but her Lucille Ball-ness. I like her singing. I don’t like her song choice, not now, not tomorrow, not when I’m 64, not EVER. The children may be our future but will they ever forgive Whitney for the schmaltz? Oy, the schmaltz. Zany Dead 1950’s TV Star Vote won’t get her through and I have doubts the judges will Choice her. (Yes, I meant to write Choice her)

James (Get him the number of a good orthodontist. Stat) Heeee, fricking awesome, my favourite performance of the night. But TallulahBelle, I hear you say, you HATED this guy last week, right? Yes, yes I did. And I hated him this week, but he was AWESOMELY bad. Soooo very very bad. He was flat, he can’t dance (ShutUP Marcia) and he tanked. Beeeeeeeewdiful. Also? Get your hands OFF Mathieson or Fosse will get very medieval on your ass dude. Greek Mama’s Vote may not be enough, but I fear he is a possible Judges Choice.

Emily (Its called Staying In Time. Look into it.) Seriously, did . . . she . . . start out of time? ‘Cause that’s what it sounded like to me. And the three other people sitting at Chez LulahB watching the crapfest that was Idol Wildcard. Strident. Out of time. Song about Zion? Yeaaaaaaah . . . . buh-bye Emily. People Who Know What Zion Is Vote will number exactly three.

Dan (Gimme the tune, gimme gimme the tune) Dan, a tip from me to you. Its not singing if you SHOUT THE WHOLE SONG. I know you and Lindsay wanted to do the same song and you couldn’t because he got there first blah blah blah – but at what point did you decide that if you can’t sing the same song as Lindsay, you could at least sound like Lindsay? Because that? Ain’t good. You were doing okay, even with the SCREAMING but the fear, oh, she got you good. You stared fear in the eyes and she kneed you in the crutch. Sympathies dude. Barnes-y Nolls-y Mills-y Vote might surpise us, stranger things have happened. If not, I’d say you’ve a good chance to JC because the Idiots, sorry, the Judges like you.

I’ve tipped Roxane, Dan and Michael because I think the Judges will choose two boys to try and even up the sexes for the Top 12, although I think only Roxane and Michael deserve to go through and any of the girls, but particularly Lauren and ComeOnIrene. None of the other boys deserve it based on last nights perfs. But Wildcard always surpises me, shocks me and makes me want to put my head in the oven. If Roxane doesn’t get through I will be hoarse tomorrow from my screaming fits of disbelief.

(Oh, and props to Red for last nights first ever Shut Up Marcia in the Chez Red household. You go girl . . .)