An open letter to the new kid on the block

Dear 2006,

Hi there. How you doing so far? Not so great, right? I mean, we’re just five days in and I think we’re off to a bit of a rocky start, what with Ariel Sharon and no decision on the fate of Arrested Development yet and another year where it doesn’t look like George Bush will keep his yap shut. I can see you’ve got your hands full already, but I just wanted to touch base with you about me. I know its selfish to be thinking of me when Lindsay Lohan is battling drugs and bulimia, but hey - if I don’t worry about me, who will? (You know, other than my mother.)
I do have a few complaints regarding your predecessor. 2005 wasn’t . . . great to me. For most of January I thought things were going to be okay, but towards the end of that first month shit kind of started sliding uphill, my feet got dirty and the whole thing - well - it just lost momentum that I never really got back. In short, it sucked. Now, I can’t lay the blame all at 2005’s feet, a lot of the screwups were my own, but I think its fair to say that 2005 didn’t really try to make things any easier on me. Once one little thing went wrong, a BUNCH of others went ass up as well, almost as though 2005 got some kind of perverse pleasure seeing how far it could push me before I cracked.
I’d like to think that we can get beyond any and all past indiscretions and to that end, I’d appreciate if you threw out the - I’m sure - quite damning TallulahBelle manila folder 2005 has left on your desk. Wowwww. Look at that thing, how many pages is that? Its quite comprehensive isn’t it? Can I just have a look at what it says about June 28th . . . oh DUDE, that is so not cool, I was having a very tough week when I said that . . . what about the week I . . . HEY . . . come ON, I apologised NUMEROUS times for those remarks and WHERE does 2005 think it gets off drawing a moustache and glasses on my headshot like that?? God, how many servings of humble pie do I need to eat? That is just ridiculously childish and . . . NO. I will not dwell on it any further, look seriously, just put this whole file in the bin, its just mean and spiteful and frankly quite typical of the relationship 2005 and I shared and I think you and I are better than that.
Thankyou.
I think you and I can come together and enjoy a non-hostile working relationship. I feel good about 2006, I really do. I see great things in our future together, a lot of mutual back scratching and general fabulousness. I just want what everyone else wants from you. A happy home, happy relationship, a little world peace and several awards of note for George Clooney - acting or directing, I'm not fussy.
Anyway, please enjoy the chocolates and the flowers and the muffin gift basket. Feel free to drop me a line anytime, I’m always available for chats and discussions with you.
2006 and me = Best Friends Forever!!

Love TallulahBelle
xx

PS 2005 had several extra unwanted kilos delivered to my ass and upper body last year. What’s your returns policy?