Whither thou, pirate?

So. Sat down the other night to watch Pirates of the Caribbean, in giddy girlish anticipation of the Yo Ho Ho Fest about to hit our screens with PotC:Dead Man’s Chest and came upon a horrible realisation. My DVD of Curse of the Black Pearl was nowhere to be found. I searched my DVD collection twice. I looked under the tv, behind it, hell, I felt like pulling the screen off and checking inside the telly because when you want to watch Johnny Depp, you freaking want to WATCH JOHNNY DEPP. Right? I have come up with three potential What Happeneds.

One, stealth ninjas broke into my house, rifled through my stuff and took only this DVD (and that Norah Jones CD I haven’t been able to find for a while) deeming it the only DVD worth stealing, because Johnny Depp = hot. They also either broke in while it was nighttime and their torches had low batteries or they didn’t see my copies of Out of Sight and Ocean’s Eleven or they don’t have the normal reaction to Clooney, freaks.

Two, I have lent it to a friend and completely forgotten about it. If you are that friend and are reading this now, I don’t blame you for keeping the DVD and never giving it back because Johnny Depp = hot.

Three, the serious Ai Ya Chi Wumba-ness (say it out loud, go on, you know you want to) of Johnny Depp in PotC smouldering from within what is realistically merely a plastic DVD cover, is so hot that it must be watched at least once a month, lest it spontaneously combust leaving nought but ashes. As it has been a while since I last watched it, this is obviously the most likely explanation and one of my housemates has accidentally vacuumed up what was left without realising it. I will buy a new copy of PotC:Curse of the Black Pearl, have it wrapped in a fire and waterproof blanket and submerse it in a bucket of continuously replaced ice in between viewings.

This all led me to query with myself where I would place Depp on The Clooney Scale of Hotness. He’s obviously higher than ER Clooney, but not as high as Oceans Eleven Clooney, whose DVD is segregated for reasons of professional jealousy on behalf of all other Clooney DVDs.

Without further ado, I present The Clooney Scale of Hotness (ten being the best, one being the worst, although lets face it, Clooney's worst is still better than most people's best.)

10 - Oceans Eleven Clooney - the only thing higher than the Oceans Eleven Clooney is The Tux Clooney and ain't nothing higher than The Tux Clooney. The Tux Clooney is Clooney turned up to eleven.
9 - From Dusk Til Dawn Clooney – yes, he’s a bank robbing, vampire fighting, brother of a sexual deviant scumbag but the tattoo, people. That tattoo is SEX. He also isn’t scared to kill Salma Hayek, one of the sexiest women alive, even after she dances with a snake and pours whiskey down her leg into Quentin Tarantino’s mouth. I mean, I usually have to go have a lie down after I watch that scene and I’m not in the same room as her when she does it.
8.5 - Johnny Depp. Well, that answers that question.
8 - Independent film/risktaking/bit part Clooney – this is almost as perfect as Clooney gets, O Brother, Where Art Thou/Three Kings/Syriana/Perfect Storm/Thin Red Line/Fail Safe/Out of Sight. From an acting/professional point of view, this is his ten but on the hotness scale, he only gets an eight because although talent is very attractive lets face it the only film on this list that is in really seriously dangerously good looking territory is Out of Sight and although I add points for the Soderbergh I deduct them for the JLo.
7 - Directing Clooney - this Clooney? The Confessions of a Dangerous Mind/Good Night and Good Luck Clooney? Makes me a little dizzy, especially when you consider where he came from. This is the Clooney who will one day run for office, causing me to move to America just so I can vote for him.
6 - ER Clooney – the live episode, the punching abusive fathers, the sexiest man alive, getting his aunt Rosemary Clooney, one of the greatest singers ever to appear in an episode, reintroducing the Caesar cut to great foreheads of the world etc - myriad reasons, myriad.
5 - Sense of humour Clooney - c’mon, as the voice of Sparky the gay dog in a Season One ep of South Park? All he does is woof. That shit is GOLD. And Funny Clooney would be higher on the list if I wasn’t still smarting from RomCom Clooney and One Fine Day.
4 - Roseanne Clooney – as Booker on Roseanne, I remember thinking ‘hey, that guy is cute’. Then he disappeared until ER. Still, I’d buy those first few seasons of Roseanne for Booker (and also because Darlene ROCKED).
3 - Batman and Robin Clooney – really, this is higher on the list than it should be, but hey, how can you not love how much shit he gives himself about this now? Seriously?
2 – D Grade sequels that are still better than Peacemaker Clooney - at least you can get a giggle from watching down on his luck, young buck Clooney in Return to Horror High and Return of the Killer Tomatoes! and be rest assured that things – specifically his hair- will get better and so will his acting. It will, young cute darkhaired boy with only a few lines, it will.
1 - Peacemaker Clooney – its been a looooong road to forgiveness. Kidman, get your filthy hands off him.