It's In The Way That You Irish

In the interest of fairness and an attempt to appear to be unbiased (which we all know I can’t do on my own, as witnessed by the freefall spiral of love, puppies and complete adoration fangirlyness I go into every time Irish so much as sneezes, seriously I want to freebase this guy) I have asked fellow Idol imbiber and Jessica fan, Special Guest Star Shaneequa, to add her two cents to today’s proceedings. Attempts to find a Dean fan amongst my group of friends were without fruit, as the majority of my friends are a) over thirteen and b) can’t stand him and my parole office advises me that I must stay at least fifty feet from all playgrounds and primary schools so Dean unfortunately finds himself unrepresented here today but it’s OKAY because Mark Holden has all the ‘enthusiastic, overpraising of mediocrity’ bases covered for Dean to the point where he appeared on radio this morning stating that Dean Must Win. So really, SGS Shaneequa and I are just trying our best to even up the playing field, being that we don’t have nearly the public exposure that Holden does. *hires a skywriter to praise Irish –literally – to the heavens*


My heart has been in my throat since I read last week that Irish was doing Puccini’s ‘Nessun Dorma’ because . . . are you for real? Dude, that’s OPERA. And also? ITALIAN. But once again, Irish takes me on the best kind of trip, he is astounding, his voice is sublime and he builds this song so well, it is nothing short of genius – and his last glorious glory note is so fucking gorgeous that I rewind the tape and listen to the last 15 seconds about eight times, just sitting there with my eyes closed, blissed out beyond belief. I get chills every fucking time. (married man, married man damnit) I want to love him from afar for the next decade at least. And for that I need a CD, a DVD and a national tour, stat. Snap to it, Sony BMG. His face at the end moves me ridiculously, you can tell he’s so very proud of himself but it doesn’t come across as arrogant at all, it’s the slight sign of tears in his eyes and I pinch myself to keep from bawling like a baby. Mark, who is on his feet at the end, gives him a simple ‘bravo’, calls him ‘the people’s tenor’ and then lays a touchdown on him. You bet your sweet ass, Holden. After wiping away a tear, Marcia applauds the song as appropriate (in reference to the sad weekend passing of Belinda Emmet), beautiful and well done. Kyle says it was superbly done but is bemused as to what kind of CD Irish would produce if he won. After Damien admirably resists the urge to roll his eyes at the man who produced and inflicted Tamara Jaber’s ‘Ooh Aah’ on to a largely unsuspecting public, he confirms that it in all likelihood he wouldn’t be rushing to put opera on an Idol CD but that he wanted to push himself and it was an opportunity to sing it with a full orchestra.

SGS Shaneequa : I think I've kinda figured it out - I don't connect with what Irish is putting out at all..and this song is proof positive of that. It just did nothing for me - and I'm not saying that he didn't deserve to be cheered for it, I'm just saying it didn't work for me - K?I think he is pushing too much - with his voice, with his songs - he SO tried to 'force' a prayer moment with this number last night, and to me it just didn't get there...but I'm sure many of you literally wet yourselves. And hey - good on him for trying something new....ish - and didn't Holden look like he wanted to jump him. Safely into the grand final....really - he could get up onstage and vomit for his second song and he could still walk it in.....damnit.

God. I just fucking hate this song. Urgh, ‘Unchained freaking Melody’. Irish chose this one himself, because, I don’t know, he wants to hurt me? My full on hate for this song aside, he does do this very nicely, building it up to the expected and eagerly awaited falsetto. The big notes he busts out make me smile with giddy pleasure and although I didn’t lovelove it until the middle, I still kind of loved it lots but he can do no wrong in my eyes and . . . look, just take this grain of salt, okay? Mark direct taps into my Irish inspired hormonal surges and says he felt a hot flush go through a certain portion of the public, but I’m fairly sure he’s talking about bootie knitting, cardigan wearing, golden oldies so just to be sure I throw some epithets in his general direction. He loved the arrangement but the build wasn’t enough for him, he wanted MORE falsetto, MORE! But Marcia loved that pace and calls it beautiful. Kyle who cops to this being his Judge’s Choice song for Damien, calls the arrangement piddly.

SGS Shaneequa : Hmmm....you probably should have sung this first and saved your touchdown for last - there were moments that it just didn't work....and not just for me...but for the other people who had managed to appear in my loungeroom by this stage bearing wine (bless them!). Shaky/pitchy lower register - which I'm sure Ms Belle will blame on my retro tv and not Irish! Song was chosen for its falsetto - gee there's a new trick - but the majority of it was kinda 'meh'. And then we get to the falsetto, which (to be honest) he used to do much better. It used to be soft, subtle and used appropriately - now, it's his thing which he blurts it out with gusto whenever he can....and to that I say 'yawn'. Ah well, as Joey from Friends would say 'it's a moo point' - he's through to the final. End of story.

(Heeeee, ‘moo’ point . . .)

Shaneequa’s girl Jessica has been saddled with a veritable melisimatic-fest of a song, Whitney Houston/Mariah Carey’s ‘When You Believe’ and boy oh boy – that’s a test. Those two girls have pipes to spare. And Jessica falters on this one again. She starts off sounding quite weak and looks absolutely petrified. It doesn’t really pick up until the middle when the glory notes come out – she forgets to trill and full on BELTS as she kicks it up a register and it is much much better. Kyle chose this song for Jess and is disappointed with her rendition, he expected and wanted to be blown away. Mark, on the other hand calls her living proof of what you can achieve when you believe. Fosse believes he may vomit. I concur. Marcia and her very own Special Guest Star daughter Deni, think Jess is the most natural singer ever to come on the show and quotes the idiot to her right by saying “don’t mess with Jess”.

SGS Shaneequa : You know what Sandilands, you can just fuck right off. Not only did you give this performer a duet to sing on her own (I mean really!) but you gave her a god-awful duet that I don't like by two singers who push me to the very limits of my tolerance for music. Don't get me wrong, when I'm driving alone in my car sometimes I turn my iPod to a Whitney power-ballad and sing myself stupid (usually Run to You....long story) but she still irks me. And don't even get me started on Mariah - blurgh. Still - I thought Jess did amazingly well with the song and I willingly listened to the whole thing....despite the Mariah/Whitney thing. Vocally, it was great and she nailed it - but I didn't see her light up when she sang this one like she has in the past - she usually looks like she is having SO much fun. Still, she got the notes, she got the style....and she got sassed by the judges. Here's where my conspiracy theory starts - they are pushing for an all male grand-final...lest they end up with another female winner. More on that later.....

Jess has no idea what Lulu’s ‘To Sir With Love’ is about. Oh sweetie, I know you’re seventeen and its not as if this is a highly political song by a highly political band that you’ve turned into your usual god awful bouncy speak-sing style Wasabi piece of crap I still can’t believe you got a motherfucking touchdown for Eye Of The fucking Tiger DeadtomeOnetrickpo . . . thaaaaaaat’s not where I thought I was going with that . . . anyway . . . back to Jessica who is sounding amazing. This song could not suit her voice more, it’s totally in her range and every note sounds clean and gorgeous. There is little to no trilling (which makes me ridiculously happy) and she belts out the end, and I am reminded of the brilliantly awesome job she did on ‘Beautiful’ all those weeks ago. Mark admits to being so thrown by Jess not knowing what the song was about that it lost some meaning for him, that he might have believed her performance more if he hadn’t known that. He flatters her voice, calling her effortless and praising the key change but is still unmoved. Marcia cops to singing lots of songs and not knowing much about them and still thinks Jess did a dynamite job. Kyle has never ever cared about the lyrics or meaning of a song (witness : Girls are sexy, made out of pepsi, boys are rotten, made out of cotton, ooh aah, I lost my bra,I left it in my boyfriends car. The defense RESTS) and says she had him from the first second.

SGS Shaneequa : Ah Jess - sweetie - you could have walked on water and Holden still wouldn't have given you the touchdown you deserved. You nailed it....vocally beautiful....you connected (despite Mark's comments about the meaning of it all - gee, who didn't see him picking on that?!?!)...you looked the part....hell, you even had Sandilands on side - what else can you do?!?! Nevermind kiddo - you don't need to record a bland album full of songs that will realistically never get any air-play - you're a great performer, a kick-ass singer and someone who is just enjoyable to watch. I reckon you could still make it through....

Dean has been given John Mayer’s ‘Waiting on The World To Change’ and I have to give major props to whoever chose this song for him. His voice really suits it, all his usual flaws and weaknesses are hidden, its totally in his range and it’s a good poppy, peppy song that takes itself seriously only to a point. He completely, pointlessly and rather badly scats in the middle. I . . . don’t . . . know why. His sliding falsetto at the end is really rather good, and you KNOW that kills me to say. It is the best performance we’ve seen from him that didn’t also include a public audition for the Australian gymnastics team. Mark is giddy about the song, saying the melody and range is right on the money for him (not in the pocket though Mark? Shame) and finishes by crowing “Welcome back Deano!”. Marcia praises the backup singers, who don’t get nearly enough credit – those guys do some really really good work - and tells Dean it’s the most soulful he’s sounded. Kyle takes a moment to lambaste journalists who call Dean ‘the one who can’t sing’ and points out that he wouldn’t have made to the Final Three if he couldn’t sing and I can NOT resist flogging the dead horse (pony) that is Lee Harding.

SGS Shaneequa : Oh Dean.....the under-age kiddies in their make-up and boob tubes may have thought you were 'da bomb', but you were a dud in my books. I mean hey - it was fine - it wasn't hideously bad (although that scat was just embarassing!)....but the word that came to mind at the end of it was 'OK'. You know what? Needs to be more than that for a final 3 performance sunshine.....even though the judges were all over you...welcoming you back to the competition....telling you that you were 'soulful'.....whatever......blah blah blah. Urgh - it's starting to become crystal clear.....Dean - you have a penis - welcome to the grand final.

I don’t know his second song, Edwin McCain’s ‘I’ll Be’ and am momentarily dumbfounded because is he wearing a rosary around his neck? Is . . . that even allowed? (Purps??) He gives very good soul eye to the camera during this performance and the arrangement builds nicely. When he stepped down from the stool he was perched on for the first half I thought my tv would shatter when all the fifteen year olds in the audience collectively screamed like he was John Lennon. He Callea Points and Fosse spasms in pain. We struggle to hear what he’s actually singing about, his diction is absolutely shocking but it’s a pretty decent song, another good choice for him and I would have liked it more if not for the fact that I don’t think an average pretty singer should make it through over two not so pretty but fathoms better singers purely because he stepped up now instead of weeks ago like the others. Do I even need to recap the bullshit hoops Holden jumps through to make sure we know that he wants Dean to win? I mean, there’s bias (and I admit to being incredibly biased about Irish) and then there is blatant favouritism. I don’t have a problem with Mark having a favourite or even giving him a seriously unworthy touchdown, but looking down the camera and telling Sony BMG to sign him no matter what, is crossing the line. Take the CEO aside and have a whisper in his or her ear at your leisure Mark, but DON’T use ten minutes of this show to basically tell the Australian public that they shouldn’t bother voting for anyone else. ESPECIALLY when you NOT HALF AN HOUR AGO welcomed him back. BACK, Mark. Meaning he’s been gone, meaning he hasn’t put in the performances that the other two have, meaning that you should shut your damn fool mouth. RiDICulous. Marcia and Kyle basically reiterate that they want a boy to win, specifically this boy – although they couch it in terms that don’t scream of favouritism quite as much as Mark’s did and WE GET IT. Okay. Yes. He is your favourite, he’s a publicists wet dream, he doesn’t have wonky teeth and he’ll appeal to the teenage girls who will use their lunch money to buy multiple copies of Smash Hits with him on the cover so they can cover their walls and door with Dean posters because he’s soooo dreamy and who will hold their breath until Daddy takes a second job to pay for their Idol phone bills. Fuck. If he gets through tonight it will be because of this performance, no not his own, Mark’s. On the flip side though, if he doesn’t get through, it may just be for the same reason.

SGS Shaneequa : Inexplicable touchdown - WTF is with that? There were pitch issues, it was boring - we should be saying adios to god-boy this week. And Holdens 'you'll have a record deal in minutes' - puh-lease! This little one has had a record deal since the day he made it into the comp - with that hair, those eyes, the hoards of screaming munchkins with money to burn who hang on his ever inarticulate word AND the fact that he hasn't worked out who he is an artist yet so can be moulded by record company execs - what label WOULDN'T sign him! D'uh!

Sidebar : Work Colleague came up to me earlier this morning and (and I quote verbatim) said the following : “Mark Holden is the biggest cockhead of all time”. I didn’t question or argue, just nodded, thanked him for his time and agreed. Red seconded the motion and it was carried with full support of the members. All proxies and absentee votes were counted and the motion was written into the minutes.

In a world Ruled By TallulahBelle and Shaneequa I think you know who the Final Two would be. Dean would be summarily dismissed, never to be heard of again until a Where Are They Now special for the tenth anniversary season of Idol, when the multi Grammy and Aria award winning, curer of cancer and solver of world hunger, 2006 Winner of Idol Special Guest Star Damien Leith makes an unexpected appearance. My fingers are crossed for a remarkably decent and deserving final two of Jess and Irish. I would even settle for Dean and Irish but will go post nuclear and cry myself to sleep if it’s Jess and Dean.

TallulahBelle out.