This show needed more Irish.

Sydney! Sydney! Sydney! Irish! Irish! Irish! Lots of shots of my boy make me very happy, thank you editors of Idol.

What doesn’t make me happy? That the first real person they show doing a significant amount of singing? Is called Damian. Boo hiss, bad form show. He attempts George Michael’s ‘Faith’ and gives it the old Nine Inch Nails treatment and it makes me wish they’d shown more of the guy with the umbrella who was throwing crumpets around the room. How is it humanly possible that I am NOT making this shit up?

Elizabeth. Elizabeth regularly publicly sings karaoke with a cardboard house on her head and blithely tells the judges she lives with 90 cats, only one of whom is alive – and did anybody else think she maybe meant that she had Norman Bates’d the other 89? She is the kind of crazy cat lady who gives the rest of us crazy cat ladies a bad name.

The people responsible for the first lot of auditions (remembering you have to audition in front of a panel before you get to see the actual Big Four at the second panel) are NOT earning their money because I don’t care how funny they think it is to put through half naked guy or crotch grabbing guy, it is NOT and WHAT IS THE EFFING DEAL WITH SPIDERMAN COSTUMES THIS YEAR, FAMEWHORES? Did a memo go out? Are you people ORGANISED??

First real singer of the episode is Tarisai Vushe. Okay, my issue with Jesus Freaks is well documented (I believe ASIO may have a file) and yes, Tarisai pushes the God Loves Me And Has Blessed Me With A Gift That I Must Share thing just a little past the point of already annoying thankyou, but she does have quite the powerful chops on her. She belts the living hell out of that bloody Whitney Houston song ‘I Have Nothing’ Rick-Lee style and gives all four of the judges the big horn. She’s good, yes but she’s got the kind of singing style that leaves me shivering.

Boys? Are weird. And Daniel who hums and wails, I think, a Jeff Buckley number, is their King. Kyle makes my fucking day by telling him he’s come dressed like a purse snatcher. Gold Sandilands, take a bow.

Hirsute gentleman Adam describes his voice in one word; Love. I describe it in a different word; Shite. He makes a soul connection with fellow space cadet Mark before deep breathing into a wailing, gnashing rendition of ‘You’re The Voice’, getting so red in the face that I think he actually makes himself a little dizzy. Seems fair, he’s made me slightly nauseous.

Irish!! More Irish!! Oh GOD, I missed that accent . . . go buy his single, people and the CD which is out on the 18th. I will be pissed if it doesn’t hit Top Ten in the first week and NO ONE wants that . . .

Young Welsh accented lass, Rosie Ribbons got to number 6 on Pop Idol in the UK the same season Will Young won it. She sings ‘Butterfly Wings’ – I don’t know it, is it an original? – and has a really nice voice. She’s also pretty cute – good voice and cute chick? She’s doomed. Also I like her, so she’s doubly doomed. Dicko might as well just tell her she can win the damn thing to give her a third strike.

Benjamin McKenzie is 16 (too young too young too young) and sings nicely in the lower register but his voice really pops when he hits a little higher and shows much more promise. Dicko tells him he needs polishing and I silently beg him to tell Benjamin to take a few years and develop, strengthen his voice even more, because the kid is good but I hate when they put 16 year olds through this soul sucking process for people like me to bitch at and mock. Sigh.

Can I just say? Jessica Mauboy looks unbelievably gorgeous in those Head and Shoulders ads. She fucking glows, man.

Jason sings ‘Freaky’ and Mark encourages him to make out with Mother Marcia who disses him with righteous anger in her eyes. Honestly, I thought she was going to cut him. Or Mark. Actually . . .

Aaaah, guys and guitars. Boys with instruments. I am one of those XX chromosome’d creatures who gets weak at the knees when an XY plays an instrument in front of me. It’s something about the hands and yes, it’s a fingering thing – get your minds out of the gutter, I mean guitar fingering – although yes, boys who have good guitar skills are usually quite skilled in other areas also . . . oooh, I need to date a flautist . . .

. . . . . . . ahem . . . . . . . .

And we’re quickly moving on to Daniel Misfud who has the bounciest damn hair I think this show has ever seen and a divine soul ridden voice to go along with it. He’s also rather hot. Smouldering even. Excuse me whilst I pause to splash some cold water on my face . . .

Builder Lyall Adonis (no, really!) has a gorgeous Stevie Wonder quality to his voice. He shoobydoobydoo’s in his song and I think that may be the first successful attempt on this show of a shoobydoobydoo. His brother is also awesome. They are both quite cute too and I’m seeing why Dicko said this season is the most shaggable so far.

(I love So You Think You Can Dance.)

Oh. My. Fucking. God. Thank the gods that I went to the gym and taped Idol because now I can pause the tape and breathe into a paper bag when they show the total hotness that is navy trumpeter Carl Risely. They compound my breathing problems by showing him in his uniform and I have to go have a lie down. Please god, let him be able to sing . . . he Michael Buble's at the judges and he isn’t the world’s greatest singer but he convinces the judges and thank you, because TallulahB needs her some eye candy!!

And the pretty just keeps on coming . . . James Davies, Dave Andrews, lordy!! And they can sing!! Huzzah!

Mark commits hari kari to some poor dude singing Mariah Carey’s ‘Hero’. They need to officially put a stop to the Mariah and the Whitney at auditions, truly they do.

Oh, nutbag Angela from the Brisbane auditions is back and she’s dragged sister Amal with her. They try to be wacky and funny but they are NOT the Duffy sisters who magnificently took the piss the season they auditioned. These two are just painful, go away. Now.

Cyndi Dietrich didn’t get in on the Sunday show? Aw, I liked her. But she’s back and she’s trying again – ballsy. She sings ‘Black Velvet’ and they’ve already kind of sucked her soul because she’s not as good as she’s previously been which doesn’t bode well for her in later stages of the competition if she gets through . . . which she does, even though Kyle and Mark chastise her for being eggshell boring and dull dull dull, but Dicko likes her moxie enough to put her through after Kyle relents and Marica backs her up as well.

The good male voices continue with Junior To’o and Marty Simpson whose John Butler impersonation is impressive. Dicko asks him to sing without his guitar before agreeing to put him through, I don’t know, dude can sing but he looked uncomfortable without the guitar in his hands . . .

And then 16 year old Matt Corby proceeds to make me feel like a gross old pervy lady by rocking the hell out of ‘Superstitious’ and being ridiculously cute at the same time. I am getting a Dean Geyer thing from him but he comes across as a better singer than Geyer was and is HEAPS less cheesy, which can only be a positive. But he’s 16. Gah. Fix the age limit on this damn show.

And we’re done – 48 contestants go through from NSW/ACT making the It Never Is An Actual Top 100, 136. So be prepared next Sunday for cut after cut as we whittle down to the semi final 24 contestants by the end of Monday’s show. Tune in for meltdowns, smackdowns, put downs and sundowning. That might just be Holden . . .