number 9 number 9 number 9 number 9 number 9 number 9 number 9 number 9 number 9 number 9 number 9 number 9 number 9 gosh, that IS annoying

Acoustic night. Ian Moss pimpage, Idol unplugged, judges unhinged, a general lack of understanding about what 'acoustic' actually means and touchdowns arbitrarily dispensed in a manner that leads me to believe that Mark’s doctor has instructed him to randomly jerk his right arm at male members of the competition with big hair or risk losing his hearing completely. It’s the only explanation, right?

(I have taken away the capital ‘T’ on Touchdowns and downgraded them to simply touchdowns and that way they shall remain, until Mark gives Natalie and Ben one each and stops playing such blatant frigging favourites.)

Tonight your Idol viewing pleasure streams direct (indeed, may I say fast tracked) from the loungeroom of Chez Avoca with Shaneequa, Chrispy and Klaus von Puppy in attendance with the odd text message from Fosse on his sickcouch and roving rogue reporter PGiddy in Sydney. Shaneequa, the wholewheat pasta with lentil based sauce was much much tastier than it sounded, cheers!

RunMdC is up first and is there a clause in the Idol contract this season that states that a Coldplay song must be performed every show because he’s doing frakking ‘Yellow’, which I’ve bitched about before as being my least favourite Coldplay song but after RunMdC performs his Garth Brooks inspired version of ‘Yellow’, I will never complain about the Coldplay version of this song again. He sings it competently but it is cheesy and just WRONG and well, I’ll let Chrispy’s words speak for me – “this song had its bag packed but its flight was cancelled”. Da Costa might be in trouble because that went NOWHERE. And was BADLY enunciated. Mark, it is THING, not THANG. God.

Mark loved the bluesy arrangement and the versatility he’s showed by doing three shows where he did nothing but rock and then this show where it was a . . . softer, countrified rock. Dicko calls it honky tonk Coldplay and an inventive treatment and is chuffed he moved away from rock. Marcia loved the originality of it, the bluesy feel, but mostly loved the humour. The humour? In a Coldplay song? Why yes, I’ve always considered ‘Yellow’ to be the Buster Keaton of the Coldplay playlist, what the fuck Marcia? Kyle admits to treating music like he treats his women and by all that is holy, now you’re asking me to feel MORE sorry for his fiancée Tamara? I mean, Kyle has shown time and time again that he has a ridiculously scant amount of respect for music outside of his very narrow Fox FM pop genre, so I can’t begin to understand how little that means he knows about women. I feel like sending him a copy of Where Babies Come From and The Female Eunuch. And a dictionary.

Natalie Let’s Remake The Fabulous Baker Boys With Her As The Michelle Pfeiffer Character Because I’d Totally Pay To See Her Crawling Over A Piano Gauci has chosen Michael Jackson’s ‘Man In The Mirror’ and whilst there is initial scepticism in the Avoca loungeroom, Shaneequa assures us she has heard a stripped back version of this song and that it is duly righteous. Happily, Ian Unsurprisingly I Have A CD Coming Out Moss makes my day, as mere seconds after I comment that I hope she leaves the lyrics ALONE, he convinces her to stay with ‘man’ in the mirror, rather then ‘woman’ or ‘girl’ or ‘non specific gender’ (actually, non specific gender is what MJ originally sang but his manager dubbed it in postproduction). Natalie sings this GORGEOUSLY, she builds beautifully and her key change is sublime. Chrispy starts a Touchdown chant (still a capital ‘T’ at this stage of the night). Shaneequa looks askance at me as if waiting for me to bag it and I shake my head immediately because I know greatness and this chick is IT, she fucking ROCKED that.

Dicko comments how without all the bells and whistles of most weeks she shines the hardest the week they go unplugged, calling her a commanding figure and taking back last week’s Ticko From Dicko and instead gives her Fully Sicko From Dicko. It is slightly less ridiculous then the TD that is later foisted upon us. Marcia nonsensically tells Natalie about how much she’s suffered in this competition, even as she’s blossomed, she’s suffered and what? Shut up Marcia. Kyle loved it, it was beautiful and then Holden disappoints everyone greatly by saying the great thing about her is she listens to them and she always builds her songs and SHUT UP Holden and just give her the fucking TD. He shares with us that she only made the decision that day to play the piano and at this point Dicko nudges him and pesters him and practically gives him a chinese burn to give her a TD but Stingey McIDon’tLikeTheGirlsThisSeason sits on his hands and refuses.

They keep showing Ian Moss during HotCarl’s package and it makes me angry, show me my boy! He says he’s doing Cole Porters ‘It’s Alright With Me’, but he’s really doing the Harry Connick Jr version from Red Light, Blue Light. Good god, he’s playing the trumpet and wearing a suit and who cares if it’s a direct copy of every tour edition DVD that Michael Buble and HCJnr ever released. Fosse texts from his sickcouch to upgrade him from HotCarl to ScorchingCarl and it would be rude to use Shaneequa’s bathroom to have a cold shower right? PGid doesn’t get the love and complains bitterly about his singing again to which I reply, he sang? Huh, I’m too busy thinking rude things about how agile his lips and tongue must be.

Marcia is just so happy that her boy got to play his horn and bats her eyelashes at him. Kyle is back in full on love for HotCarl and comments that a man who looks like him should get the horn out as much as possible. Mark calls him consistent and thinks he did a really good job. Dicko says its fantastic that he didn’t wait until Big Band night to show Australia what kind of stuff he’d do as Our Idol and really, even I’m not that blinded by lust. Look, he’s beautiful and not the worst singer in the world, but if he wins this show then we, the Australian people, should demand to see exactly what the Australian Federal Defence Force has spent our tax dollars on this year and if the number 191010 shows up ANYWHERE on their phone bill, then maybe it’s time to give that Communism thing a try.

Jacob God Save The Queen Butler can not give up the British Isles, because he’s doing another British bands song, Keane’s ‘Somewhere Only We Know’, or as I like to call it, the song guaranteed to make an appearance on the soundtrack of any and all Zach Braff films. A fierce and cruel discussion is undertaken between Fosse, Shaneequa and Chrispy regarding Jacob’s weight whereby Chrispy posits the theory that Jacob has been eating the outgoing contestants. Hmpf. The views expressed by contributors do not reflect the opinions of italktoomuch. Because I still think he’s kinda cute. I try to convince the Avoca household that Jacob’s actually easier to like when you don’t watch him because then you can’t see him trying so heartbreakingly hard to win us all over but they will have no truck with it. In fairness, he has slowed this down ridiculously and it meanders all over the damn place very sedately and it unfortunately highlights a weak upper register.

Kyle calls it dead boring and likens it to something to be heard on the Channel Nine Xmas Carols. Ray Martin vehemently disagrees; there will be NO Britpop performed at HIS Carols, thank you. Then Marcia subverts everything by speaking next, when it is CLEARLY Mark Holden’s turn to nonsensically babble and bitch out at the contestant. She doesn’t agree with Kyle and says a great performer takes you to a place and she wanted to follow Jacob and Chrispy HATES Jacob because he snidely remarks that although that may be the case, sometimes the place they take you is Sarajevo which is not so much known as a pleasant touristy destination. I ask Chrispy to cease and desist being funnier then I am, thankyou. Dicko thinks Jacob just tries too damn hard (a la Ricky Muscat and the Eyebrows of Determination & Tunnel Vision – that should totally be the name of Ricky’s band. I call copyright!) but that this time he was simple and pure and mesmerised Dicko. Mark is at a bit of a loss because he knows what Jacob was trying for but thinks it didn’t quite hit the mark (and again, Jacob, should you actually hit Mark I will self fund your CD), it was at 60/70% when it needed to be at 130% and I’m no maths genius, I mean those Fifth Grader Kids could totally kick my mathematical arse, but even I know that that’s just a stupid thing to say.

Next up is Matt See The Pretty Girl In That Mirror There, Corby who wants me to hate him, there can be no other explanation for him singing ‘The Blowers Daughter’ by Damien Rice. And he’s successively made it dull and booooorrrrriiiiinnnngggggg and has left out all the pretty high bits. It gives us all the opportunity to have a quick nanna nap before waking up for the judging. Irish singing this for about a minute at his initial audition last year moved me more. The cellist is however, awesome.

Mark wows us all by admitting to thinking Matt is one of the handful of the most brilliant people they’ve EVER had on the show. You thought that about Emily Williams, Lee Harding and Dean Geyer, Holden, YOU HAVE NO CREDIBILITY. In fact, I will lay at least 65% of my dislike of Matt squarely at Holden’s feet, because the kid is talented, he seems lovely and doesn’t annoy me endlessly but I am OVER Holden’s blatant favouritism. The other 35% (see, I know how percentages work) is that he comes across as trying to hard to be A Grown Up. All his talk of Led Zepplin and blah blah and it just seems slightly forced and fake. It probably isn’t, he’s probably completely serious about his love of older music and bless him for that if it’s so, but it doesn’t ring completely true to me. Anyway. Dicko nods at the slightly obscure song choice but says he had the courage of his convictions to make that work. Right. Tell that to Holly Wienert. The chick who went out the first week on an obscure song, remember her? No? Marcia is just really very proud of Matt and his gift and has nothing else to add. Kyle thought it was so beautiful he wants to become gay lovers with Matt and somewhere backstage the twinkle in HotCarl’s eye dims slightly.

The Daniel Mehsdud Top Twelve Scarf Watch (which I missed last week owing to previously mentioned hospital visit time etc – everyone wave to Fosse who as at today is BACK in hospital, I’m off to watch the Results Show with him once I’m done, get well soon dude) is at nine, with two scarves this week. Mehsdud can’t say acoustic, he says A Cue Stick - which makes Shaneequa purse up her lips in total Teacher Mode – and he’s decided this week to destroy Kiss classic ‘I Was Made For Loving You’. I DESPERATELY want Gene Simmons to come on wearing those big motherfucking boots with the spikes and stomp on The Dud's tongue. I don’t like him. Or his hair. And I really don’t like this cheesy grin-ny version that he’s doing. No no no no no.

Dicko loves his mellow voice and says it was measured and one of his better vocal performances. Marcia calls it a semi RnB version and that a large part of being a performer is taking risks. I’d like him to risk feeding a great white. Kyle calls ‘IWMFLY’ a great love song and NO, it is NOT. It’s a song about getting your hips and the hips of another person working in tandem to produce pleasant tingly feelings in the groinal region. It is not hearts and flowers and sunny days and kittens, you IDIOT, its about SEX, seriously, do we need to get Kyle a copy of the kama sutra? Mark wants to know if the arrangement came from His Head and then. Gives. Him. A. Touchdown, sorry touchdown. It is time to retire the touchdown or at the very least take it away from Holden who is currently rankly mismanaging it and give it to someone who will use it wisely because for the second week in a row, someone else got Natalie Gauci’s td and I am getting a whiff of eau de Kate de Rouge.

Moppet is singing an Imogen Heap song ‘Hide and Seek’ and I announce to the room that I preemptively love this because a) it’s Moppet, b) he’s singing, which is totally like my most favourite thing for him to do and c) he is playing the piano. His husky soulful voice is astoundingly suited to this song and the room stops talking while he’s singing. Surely if The Dud got a td, this has to? Right? It is gorgeous and with tonight’s performances, he and Natalie have finally convinced me to vote this season. This kid connects with his lyrics so much more than Corby and I hate that he’s getting less of the love because he’s not as ‘pretty’. I think he’s freaking adorable and Shaneequa dreamily notes that a Gauci/McKenzie final two would be ace. I have no rebuttal because, yes.

Marcia didn’t know the song but she loved it and loves him. Hell yeah, Marcia, hop on board, we have plenty of room for the crazy! Kyle calls him a freak because every week he surprises him. Mark loved it too and calls it an incredible accomplishment because it’s a difficult song melodically to pull off and he did a terrific job whilst playing the piano and then he just . . . . stops talking. At which point the crowd, realizing there will be not td for Ben, lets out a HUGE disappointed ‘Ohhh’ which is a lot politer then what I said. Dicko thinks he was a little spooked by the whole thing because he’s heard him sing better (better? My brain would implode in the presence of such greatness) and says it shrunk him a bit, it was too meek but that on the bright side, he will inherit the earth. Oh Dicko. All is forgiven!

Little Miss Tarasai Vushe is singing the Des’ree number from the Romeo and Juliet soundtrack ‘I’m Kissing You Australia, Rather Than Smacking You In The Teeth For Not Voting And Putting Me In The Bottom Three, HOW DARE YOU’ and she’s taken over Lana’s job of overenunciating. She sings prettily but it’s a little overwrought and Shaneequa derides her breathing technique. She’s taken a slow song and slowed it down slowly. With a side of leisurely slothfulness and gradual delaying torpidity. It’s not hustling along anywhere, is what I’m saying. Her key change is lovely, but where is the glory note?

Little Miss T is Kyle’s current favourite (because he’s SCARED of her) and he likes that she’s consistently good and that every week we get to see a new personality of hers – how freaking many has she got hidden away? Mark notes she showed great vocal control but wants her to choose songs that she’s experienced so she deeply and profoundly mean them. Does that mean that the new guy who replaced Yellow Wiggle Greg Pane, did he first have to juggle a hot potato and then randomly go round to Jeff Fatt’s house late at night to wake him up before they would let him sing any of their songs? That’s a tough gig for Captain Feathersword. I wonder if he gets seasick? Dicko risks the wrath of Little Miss T by calling it P&O, cruise ship singing and cheesy. Little Miss T’s angry side, the one who made a brief appearance last week when she made Bottom Three, surfaces again to tell him that when she sings the song, it isn’t cheesy. And then she goes to parking lot and cuts his brake lines, boils his bunny and prank calls him for the rest of the night. Marcia understands where the guys are coming from and says she sang it beautifully but she wants the girl from backstage, the wild and woolly child to come out. I’m scared that wild and woolly child might cut someone . . .

Oh, Marty Clone of Jack Johnson Simpson, what ever shall we do with you and your song choice? Chasing Cars songs don’t work unless you have the cast of Grey’s Anatomy in the video clip with you; preferably whilst Izzy looks gorgeous in pink, George looks adorably overwhelmed by everything and everyone, Christine looks generally pissed, McDreamy looks . . . well . . . dreamy and Meredith looks pinched and like she needs a sandwich. He unsurprisingly Jack Johnson’s ‘Open Your Eyes’ and it is boring. He sings it better then he has sung ANYTHING thus far but it is still far below the bar set by everyone else on this show, except for maybe The Dud. He is totally without. Either he or The Dud must go, damnit.

Mark says it was lovely work, he promised to prove himself once he had his guitar and he did. Dicko recounts The Story Of Marty as being overpromise and undeliver and that he had to up his game this week and he did, but that he still needs to watch his vary speed, which yeah, dude can NOT keep time with the music. Marcia is just happy that he got to play because it’s been so difficult for him and sweet baby jesus, if you’re going to allow them to play their instruments at the audition let them play them during the show, I am repeating myself ad nauseam here. Kyle tells a sweet story where Marty ends up in a caravan with some girls and it ends happily ever after for me.

General consensus is the boys must lose one of their own tonight. There are only two girls left, it HAS to be an all boy Bottom Three, even through Little Miss T underwhelmed. I’d say in trouble are Jacob, Marty, RunMdC and possibly hopefully fingers crossed The Dud. In fact, I’d be more than happy with Marty or The Dud going home and if it was The Dud and he had to sing a song he got a td for and was STILL going home and therefore Holden had to face up to the fact that his opinion means SHIT? That would be schadenfreudelicous.