So. Very. Tired.

Can I get a show of hands - who has Idol fatigue already?

*raises hand*

A whole week of auditions, the Top 100 and straight into the semi finals with only one scant twentyfour hour period with which to rest my weary fingers, bloodshot eyes and scoffing eyebrow? You guys, this shit is tough.

Dicko won the arm wrestle backstage (it came down to him and Brown Sugar - Kyle was out in the first round to Andrew G and whatserface Coulter snapped Mathieson's ulna in two places) to break the news to the semi finalists that the winner this year gets TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS to help them live the dream. $200k? That'll book, what, a week and a half of studio time and buy enough cocaine to line the stomach of eight hookers? Cool! Dude, Mathieson is wearing the ugliest skinny tie. It has sparkles. I blame whatserface Coulter. I'll be doing that a lot, I'll tell you that right now.

Coulter's dress makes her breasts look gigantic and she stuffs up her very first line getting 'first cab off the rank' wrong and FIRE HER, FIRE HER NOW. For the line, not the boobage. The boobage gives me material. See below.

First cab off the rank (see, it's not difficult, Boobs McGet'EmOut) is Chrislyn Hamilton who is singing a song that I think has featured on EVERY season of Idol - Tina Turner's 'Proud Mary' and we could have held a quick poll to see what people thought she would sing and I guarantee this would have been one of the top contenders. It's a little obvious, is what I'm saying. She better sing it well - no screeching, missy. She has a very sassy attitude and her voice is impeccable during the slow start. She even does a little Tina dancing (kind of) and except for the last note, which actually ends up being about fifteen notes, she is just superb. Rock on, big mama.

Kyle calls it a big, gigantic start. He still wants her to keep twisting the performance switch in her and thought the beginning was a little stilted. Don't know what he was watching. Marcia gives her props for being first cab off the rank (it's still easy, Titsy Lottabreast) and tells her the most important thing to find in her performance is consistency. I think the most important thing is making it to the stage and not getting distracted by G's new haircut. Dicko tells her there's a lot of good will for her 'out there' and although she's young, she lights up with an audience and picks great songs for her. G puts his hand on her shoulder and she bravely refrains from falling into a girly, giggling mess - which is TOTALLY what I would do. Bad hair and he's STILL dreamy.

Mitchell Steele's hat could be used to hold a bar mitzvah under, it's ENORMOUS yo. He's never been around stage lights before because you can't see his eyes at all, tilt the hat back, love. Show us your eyes. He's singing Tom Cochrane's 'Life Is A Highway'! I recently iTunes'ed this song because I hadn't heard it in AGES. He's rejigged it. Either that or he's slightly out of time. He might be out of time. Oh. His inexperience is showing, look at the camera pet! He purses his lips, possibly in terror and then 'whoooooyeaaaah's shakily at us and ouch. It's a really stiff perf and we don't see his eyes once. Stupid hat. Where is Wes Carr, if he's wearing one of his silly hats, I'll scream.

Kyle and his pointy pointy hair love him, his eyebrows, the hat and wanted to go down that highway with him, but he was in a crappy Volvo - ha! Look, Kyle's being funny! He also tells him that he needs to be relaxed. Which he wasn't. Marcia says Mitchell is one of the most seasoned performers in the semi's - the hell? He is? Playing the guitar and crooning 'Desperado' to a herd of cattle, doesn't count Marcia, you know that, right? She tells him to smile and entertain the audience. Dicko says they need to see Good Him and that he needs to pick the right song for Good Him. Did Mitchell's Evil Twin Marshall perform tonight? He doesn't have a goatee, how are we meant to tell the good twin from the bad if he doesn't have a goatee? G saunters out and they banter about Mazda. It's cute, but is this how it's going to go? Mathieson in the contestant room with Norgs Chestabig and G on his little lonesome? I need my boys to banter, BANTER, DAMN IT.

London auditionee Jaden Dowd is warbling CC Peniston's 'Finally' which - doesn't this song immediately make everyone think of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert? And then doesn't everyone look at Jaden's makeup and outfit and think uncharitable thoughts? Her singing is mediocre and gets screechy at times because there is not a damn place in this song for you to be subtle. It's balls to the wall and no middle ground. Not a good choice, at all.

Kyle disses her one piece jumpsuit (and he's Priscilla-ing it, you just know it) but she shoots right back at him that jumpsuits are in. Are they? God. I despair, I do. He thinks she's a fine singer but that her perf was boring and not her. He basically calls her a scrag with a shit song. Ouch. And also, glass houses Kyle. Marcia reminds her that it's the first time Australia's seen her and no, it isn't Brown Sugar, the first time was when she was wearing that god awful Aust flag top, we remember! Marcia's throws some cliches at her about believing herself and it's good to have you back! Shut up, Marcia! Dicko feels responsible for Jaden being here and still thinks she's fabulous but he pulls out the old critique he once gave Chanel and tells her it was like a girl at the office pissup (although I believe Chanel got 'pissed secretary' or something similar). Jaden is TICKED OFF and even the delightful prospect of standing next to G doesn't cheer her up. Shame. G looks sad.

James and Funjugs do some promotion for Mazda and she can NOT read off a teleprompter OR wing it. Fired.

Frenchie Olly Corpe is not about pop and froth. Therefore he's singing fairly unknown poppy frothy James Morrison number, 'Wonderful World'. He doesn't start off great, he's a little scratchy sounding. He eventually hits his stride vocally but he avoids the camera like it's going to bite him and I'm getting a total Bobby Flynn thing from his performance aesthetic. He's a bit spazzy in front of the camera is what I'm saying. And that shit got old QUICKLY.

Kyle didn't care for the song but enjoyed watching him. Thanks Kyle. Marcia loves his smile - she's all about the smiles, tonight - and thinks he did a great job. Dicko likes his intensity but warns him against going too pop too soon. None of the judges critique his actual singing. Pay those people more! Fire Hooters and split her wage three ways between them!

Theatre Girl Nicole Banks wants to move away from being the Theatre Girl and is jazzing up Sam Sparro's 'Black and Gold' and this isn't the way to ditch Theatre Girl. She's totally cabaret'd it. That's not to say it's not good and isn't comfortable as HELL on stage and she doesn't sing it well, she does, I LOVE cabaret and I suspect I'd adore this chick in a production of Thoroughly Modern Millie. She struggles a little to hit some of the higher notes. And it's just such total cabaret. Vilkommen Theatre Girl!

Kyle - who I expected to leap over the table and smack her about the head with a copy of Broadway's Greatest Hits Volume Three; Barbra Streisand (which weighs approx 4.5 kilos but comes with a killer foreword from Every Queen Who Ever Loved Babs, Ever) - calls it quite nice, but could see that she was stressing and going back to 'Entertainer'. He means Theatre Girl. Marcia tells her she has a dynamite voice but that she shouldn't overthink or overact - and Marcia TOTALLY just flashed back to Chanel making out with a microphone stand singing 'Glory Box' and Marcia is in no way willing to accept any actual 'performing' on stage because although she originally loved Chanel, she HATED Chanel. No, just sing the song, thank God and Jesus and get off stage. Dicko wants her to stay true to her passion while reaching out to more accessible genres and thinks that was a very clever song to choose, allowing her to be contemporary whilst jazzing it up. G does her numbers and he looks lonely. He misses his Jimmy!

Wes Carr is wearing a silly hat. Bah. Foo Fighters. 'Times Like These'. Oh man. Wes, you had me at Dave Grohl. The Idol camera guy is either drunk or so thrown by the awesome rockiness of Wes that he forgets to hold on to the camera. Gorgeously paced, well sung (not brilliantly, but good enough) and JUST FUN. Oh, it's time for the first nickname of the comp and with the jesus hair and awesomeness, how can I go past The Messiah? It's blasphemous and appropriate all at the same time! I reserve the right to lose faith and denounce him for thirty pieces of silver.

Kyle is so smitten he's forgotten The Messiah's name. Just kneel and give thanks Kyle. Marcia blushes and simpers at him a bit before telling him he's solid. Dicko loves the beginning and his intensity and tells him he's a standout performer and he needs to take that mantle and run with it. He warns him not to plateau and calls him one of the best. And Wes is currently leading in the betting to take out this whole thing - but they had Matt Corby winning it all last season as well. Man, that still warms my heart.

Yay! Jimmy and G are on screen together again! Have they been crying backstage? Holding hands and promising to never be apart? It's SO cruel to separate them like that. They struggle to take their eyes off each other and it's just so Romeo and Juliet and Mammaries is the city of Verona. I mean, G isn't flirting with me at all and he's usually making goo goo eyes at me at the end of the show. I'm happy to share, James. Happy to share.

Best of the night, The Messiah, Nicole and Chrislyn, probably Wes and Chrislyn will go through. Special mention to Olly because he did okay and he's adorable.

Apologies for any typos or grammatical blergs - my usual resistance to the correct and proper use of the possessive apostrophe notwithstanding - but it's one am and I'm not editing this bitch, it's bed time.

TallulahBelle out.