7 30 The boys sombrely open the show with the death of Levi and speak fondly of him. That's nice.
7 31 G blue envelopes Madam Parker for the second week in a row, Mathieson puts Roshani Priddis in the Bottom Three and G rounds it out with Chrislyn Hamilton. And I am LITERALLY sitting here with my jaw on the floor that that's the B3. Not that Roshani and Madam don't deserve to be there. But still. Jaw, on the floor. And that ain't good, because I haven't vacuumed this floor in a very long time.
7 33 Madam gives us another lacklustre performance of 'Dancing Queen' and I have to say, I really think this might be her last time performing on Idol. And that's why you don't RnB ABBA. Really, whatserface could have told her all about RnBing classic artists and being PUNISHED by the Idol audience. She asks Madam if she thinks she did enough to prove to Aust that she deserves to be there.
7 35 Roshani doesn't cabaret 'Moneyx3' nearly as much as she did last night but it's still not sung as well as she previously has. And it might actually prove to be between her and Madam as to who goes. Mathieson wonders if it was enough and sends her back to whatserface who wants to know if it was easier to sing without the corset and if she did anything different. Roshani grins that she just sang the sh*t out of it (seriously, she says shit but manages to put an asterisk in the middle of it for the timeslot, it's hella cool) and she and whatserface giggle.
7 38 G winks at Chrislyn (he ADORES the chunky girls, it's how I know he'd LOVE me) to show them (us) why she should stick around and she is FIERCE singing 'Mamma Mia' again. Dude, she's PISSED that she's B3 and she ain't scared to let it bleed into her performance. She is prowling around the stage and she looks a thousand times better than she did last night in a cute sheer black floaty sleeved top. Mathieson and G come out to grin manically at her and tell her she NAILED it. They really want her to stay. I want the boys to be happy so will allow that.
7 42 Dicko says that the new format gives him quite the insight into the performers and says that two of them didn't step up but that Chrislyn cut sick and showed a real defiance. Marcia agrees with Dicko and says they really need to perform when they're in this position. Kyle is surprised at them being the B3. I'm surprised that Teale isn't there. Who is voting for him? Who?
7 47 Mathieson tells Chrislyn it's a shock to him that she's there and asks her what she thinks went wrong. She admits that ABBA was out of her comfort zone and she knows she wasn't as good as she normally is. She has a little quiver in her voice that Jimmy picks up on and she admits to being really scared that she might go. They recap her perf from last night and then when they come back none of the microphones are working. Dead air everywhere! And really, we could have used these kinds of sound issues when Tom Williamson was still around. G jumps to save his boy and chats to Sophie a bit and then when they cut back to Chrislyn and Mathieson, he has an old school mike; it has a cord and everything, it's like an episode of Countdown!! Where's Molly?!
7 50 Because we can't go two fucking seconds without talking to whatserface about her time on Idol, Mathieson discusses wardrobe with her and HILARIOUSLY she compares her tiny, slightly curvy, probably BARELY SIZE TWELVE frame with Chrislyn's. She of the Have You Met My Boobs? low cut tops and the incredibly short dresses, comments that she's very careful about what she wears on stage and good god, someone shut her up.
7 53 We go to backstage footage of Roshani in the corset from hell and she was struggling to both breathe and move in that damn thing, which makes you wonder why she was wearing it? I mean, yeah, you want to look good but still? She does reference Dita Von Teese though, which is ace. Even if she can barely get up the stairs in the stupid thing. She thinks maybe her performance was too left of centre for Australian audiences and no sweetie, Sophie is left of centre. You are smack dab in the middle. Roshani comments she maybe needs to remove some layers and you'd best believe Mathieson is ALL over that comment.
7 54 Mathieson has the unenviable job of interviewing the lacklustre and possibly high (or just shy, I don't know) Madam. Jimmy and Madam go head to head to see who can be the most laid back and slightly monotone. It's a draw.
7 56 The Cadbury Performance and a Half went to Thanh Bui. Man, he really got to people last night, didn't he?!
8 00 Voting lines are closed! Mathieson tells us that all the contestants were worried about forgetting the lyrics; cue Mark Spano who fucked up the lyrics TWICE last night. Marcia tells him to write key words on his hands, remember when Mutto did that? Except that was a Christian thing. Or a Bono thing. Or something. Mark is shocked and slightly ashamed that he's not bottom three and then admits he'll be doing 'Sex On Fire' by Kings of Leon and honestly, Spanner and G are kicking back on the Idol sofa together like they're about to either start playing X-Box or making out. I know which one I'd like to see! They show Mark's original audition and seriously, G is practically picking out china patterns, asking him where the hot machismo from that first audition went. There is giggling and flirting, people. Expect your invites in the mail as soon as the Government allows men to marry men. Get on that, KRudd, these two would look fantastic on top of a wedding cake. Kyle talks about Spanner's new romance and DUDE, G is sitting right there. Dicko smiles that he rewatched the tape and thinks he may have rimmed, I mean reamed, him a little too hard.
8 07 G and the Messiah talk bottoms and Johnny Young Talent Time and Wes knows what a pas de bourree is! I only know because of the movie Centre Stage. Honestly, eleven years of ballet and jazz? Completely wasted on me. Sorry Mum.
8 12 Plug for So You Think You Can Dance (wheeeeee!!! Bring on Season Two!!! I LOVED BroadwayJack and FeyRhys.) Then the boys introduce Metro Station to sing 'Shake Shake'. Trace Cyrus (son of Billy Ray and brother of Miley) is one of the singers. I'm not sure which of the long haired boys who can't sing live is Trace but man, they SUCK live and I love this song. They've ruined it for me. They've (I'm SO sorry) broken my achy, breaky heart. (sorry) Mathieson looks slightly scared by the very tattoed and pierced emo rocker he's talking to (who turns out to be Trace). They throw to that idiot backstage who coos over what a great performance that was. Shut the HELL UP, Ricki Lee. JESUS.
Sidebar; I almost don't know how to say this. I'm excited about the new Baz Luhrman film. It has Nicole Kidman in it. Nicole Kidman. Ms Botox 2008. And still the long trailer got me a little teary and strangely proud. Fosse laughed his ARSE off when I told him. I think it just about made up for the fact that Nomes made me watch Two And A Half Men the other night and I laughed at one of the jokes. Fosse almost threw my stuff out on the front lawn when I confessed to that.
8 21 Recap of the judges opinions . . . and first safe person is . . . Roshani Priddis. Dude. It must be Madam, it can not be Chrislyn, can it? Ad break (ooooh, hellllllllo Jensen Ackles and Season Four of Supernatural even though I haven't finished Season Three, how are you doing?)
8 28 Kyle thinks Chrislyn has been more consistent and gives it more. Marcia watches how Madam is a mother duck to the contestants and says it will be sad if (when) she leaves. Dicko says Chrislyn gives Big Idol Moments week after week and if it's Madam who survives, she needs to start giving more. Based on the votes, it's time to go Madam Parker. No one is terribly surprised. Chrislyn envelopes her in a big hug. She shyly (or stoned-ly) admits to being gutted and Jimmy throws to her package and look! Remember when Madam was interesting! Maybe it's only when she sings that annoying song 'No One' by Alicia Keyes.
8 30 Her last song is 'Closer' that she did the first week of Top Twelve and she's a billion times better singing something she's actually invested in, even if she is still sounding a little nasal. She coughs as she says her thanks and possibly her voice is still not recovered from a few weeks ago when she was sick. We'll give her a pass.
Next Sunday is ROCK WEEK. Make the devil's sign for Kirk Pengilly and Tim Farris from INXS who will be helping out (but not judging right? It's hard enough doing this with three judges, four nearly crippled me and five would DO ME IN. Is that what you want, show? Well, is it??)
TallulahBelle out.
Monday, October 06, 2008
Sunday, October 05, 2008
S.O.S.
Before we get to the bitching and snarky portion of this evening's entertainment, I'd like to take a moment and remember Levi Kereama, who you may remember from Season One of Idol and who has reportedly committed suicide this weekend. Levi wasn't one of my favourites in Season One, he certainly wasn't someone whose career I followed but I remember quite clearly, him doing the rap portion of Bobby Brown's 'Every Little Step I Take' (which I think was also the week he left Idol.) Rest in peace, Levi. I hope wherever you are, you find a little of the comfort and happiness it appears you were missing in your life.
****
ABBA . . . I mean . . . ABBA? That's . . . ABBA?! I gotta say, that's ballsy, right there, choosing an ABBA themed night. (I need quite desperately to be able to write ABBA with the backwards B. Damn it. It just looks . . . wrong all forwards like that.) Can we find out whoever it was who first piped up during the Choose Idol Theme Nights business meeting at Idol HQ and said they thought it would be all kinds of hilarity to get the kids 'Voulez-Vous' and 'Ring Ring'ing their way through a Sunday evening? And then you can all jump in the backseat of my car and we'll drive to their house and beat the EVER LOVING SHIT out of said person. Because MAN. It was not a good night. Less than half of the performances were good, less than half. The only thing saving that person from severe frontal lobe damage is the supreme mega awesomeness of Mathieson and G getting all Agnetha and Frida as they introduce the show. In Swedish. Possibly the best start to the night, ever. And on the bright side, I don't need to come up with my own theme this week because hello?! ABBA!! I can't top that.
Where's backup singer Gary Pinto? Have they given him the night off so all three BVs are girls for tonights show. You'd think that would somehow translate into some lovely harmonies. It doesn't. Bring back Pinto!! (Nerm at TWoP tells me that Gary's band CBD were in Perth this weekend for their annual Telethon - at which the lovely Damien Leith also made an appearance - so he was busy this weekend. Thanks for the heads up Nerm!)
G calls the judges Benny, Bjorn and Marcia and joins Mathieson in, it has to be said, mildly mocking both ABBA and Australia's love affair with them and for real, ABBA Gold is one of those CD's that every house in the country owns. There were at least two copies in our house. Which is nothing on Counting Crow's 'August and Everything After' of which there were three copies.
First performer up Chrislyn Hamilton is bringing out the big guns and firing up 'Mamma Mia' and I give thanks everyday that I didn't have to go see either the musical or the movie, one of the perks of being on the other side of the country to my mother. (Hola Mama!) Even Fosse knew better than to try and drag me to that film, even if I LOVE Amanda Seyfried because of Veronica Mars and La Streep is my god. Chrislyn tries real hard to inject that ABBA feeling into her performance, starting off giving us her profile whilst she sings and bopping around the stage all attitude and sass but it feels slightly off. Her singing is not great, she's shaky and it is not as good as when Red and I hear this song at parties and immediately jump up and mime the words, along with movements and perfectly timed head turns and swivels. (Yeah, we're THOSE friends.) We ROCK this song. Dicko would freaking LOVE us. Next season Red, you and me!
Dicko didn't mind the fact that Chrislyn put double cheese on it but tells her she needs to start refining what she does and then slams stylist Sheridan for putting her in a size too small spandex shiny top which pulls in all the wrong places across her stomach. Marcia tells her she knows who she is (and if she doesn't, she can check her drivers licence, right Marcia?) and then commends her for making her performance "the send up that ABBA sometimes becomes now". Riiiight. Sorry, what? Shut up, Marcia. Kyle says if you're going to go for fun then she should have gone the full Muriel's Wedding and worn the white jumpsuit. Chrislyn jokes that she thought about it and no Chrislyn, no one makes a white jumpsuit work. He calls it fun and well sung but says that he agrees with Dicko about what she's wearing perhaps not being the best outfit for her to wear - whereas a white jumpsuit is so very slimming.
whatserface Coulter talks about dancing in her living room to ABBA and how much she loves them. So basically, she would have been FINE if Season Two had had ABBA night instead of The Beatles, because really, who are The Beatles? Just four upstarts from the UK that didn't in any way influence the next DECADE (or two. or three.) of music. Who cares about The Beatles, right?
Sophie Paterson is giving 'Gimme Gimme Gimme' the Sophie Paterson Treatment (previously know as The Bobby Flynn Treatment). Slowing it down, stripping the melody right back and making it an entirely new and different song. It's very reminiscent of what she did last week but I don't care because it's still GREAT. No, it's not sung pitch perfect and she's got that waver-y, mournful tone to it that if you don't like that kind of singing, you don't like Sophie; but man oh man, she's completely seperated herself from the ABBA version and the sample that Madonna used that all the kids would have recognised. It's actually a pretty ballsy move and a great arrangement. It's very sexy. I love it. I'm pretty sure I'd get quickly bored of a full Sophie Paterson CD of nothing but this, but I'd certainly download this single and her song from last week off of iTunes.
Marcia likes the way she changes things around and is really glad the "old Soph" is back. Kyle says she shows us now every week what kind of artist she's going to be and "those that love that will eat that up for breakfast". I'll have a side of Canadian bacon and eggs sunny side up with my Sophie Paterson performance thanks. And pulpy orange juice. Ta. Dicko calls her the first of The Interpreters of the night, turning 'GGG' into a slow hand trip hop version. He calls it a smart positioning statement but says she lacked focus and wasn't quite smouldering or intense enough for the arrangement she'd put together.
whatserface tells us all how hard the ABBA songs are to sing - and you can just take it as read that everytime she says ABBA, she means The Beatles and we should all, especially me, get the fuck off her back about the hateful thing she did to 'We Can Work It Out' that got her booted off the show. Give me an 'F'. Give me an 'I'. Give me an 'R'. You know how the rest of that goes.
Thanh Bui is singing 'The Winner Takes It All'. Thanh's family have bought all the glitter and sparkly pens in Sydney in a sign making frenzy. Mardi Gras is going to be a little Corporate Boardroom Off White Coloured Carpet this year. Thanh has seated himself at the piano, which immediately means I'm going to enjoy his performance a thousand times more than I normally do because there will be no Callea-ism's. He . . . wow . . . he sings this really well, it's a great version of this song except for the really high bits that he stretches just that little too far to reach. He misses, but only slightly and it is hands down his best performance of the season thus far. It's emotional, it's reasonably well sung and I don't mind it. What the hell? Next thing you know, I'll be buying the entire Anthony Callea back catalogue. (Never happen. Ever.) When he finishes, he looks well chuffed with himself, and really, he should.
Kyle says they should have ordered Thanh with no cheese from day one because that was spot on. There were no theatrics, he was sincere/humble and great vocally and it was stunningly wonderful. Dicko says ABBA night was a jackpot for him, with perfect song choice and tonight was bloody fantastic. Marcia joins the list of people Mark Holden wants to sue when she gives him a motherfucking Touchdown. Marcia Marcia Marcia. Shut up. He was good, but he was in no way that good and also stop with the TDs okay? Did they maybe decide to take one each? If so, Kyle's had his and now Marcia, so Dicko has one TD left. Then we will never speak of this again. (Euph thinks he may be sleeping with Marcia. There are not enough 'w's in the world for that ewwwwwwww.)
Sidebar: Ohhh, dilemma. Foxtel tells me the movie Secretary is on Channel Ten tonight at 10.54 but! Resident Evil is on Channel Seven at 11.35. Decisions, decisions. Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader and some extremely hot BDSM . . . or Milla Jovovich kicking the Umbrella Corporation's ass? (BDSM stands for bondage, discipline/dominance, sadism&masochism and really, the submissive holds all the power in a real BDSM relationship, contrary to what you might think. You should just not ask how I know that. Oh, hey mum. Why yes, I was also talking about safety words last week and . . . huh? Well, when did Dad start reading my blog? It's all very well for him to be unimpress . . . I do NOT swear too much. Or talk about inappropriate material, my readers are grown ups and . . . you know, I'm a grown woman, for crying out loud, I haven't lived home since I was . . . oh fine. Isn't this just going to make Christmas awkward this year.) (Especially seeing as Secretary is TOTALLY going to win out. What? It's a great film. And I may have once made my mother watch Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down but she took me to see Basic Instinct and Michael Douglas' penis. So . . . yeah, we're still not even.)
It's cabaret night on Idol! At least, that's obviously what the memo said that Roshani Priddis and her performance of 'Money Money Money' got. It's Cheese with a Capital Ch. It's Mainland freaking Cheddar. She's doing this low pitched growl that's pure Marlene Dietrich as played by Jane Curtin in that one episode of Third Rock From The Sun where the aliens all had their first dreams. That was in Dick's dream, if I recall correctly. That was a great episode. This is not a great performance and when she reaches into John Foreman's back pocket and actually pulls some money out and practically winks at the camera as she throws it in the air, I check out completely. Shaneequa wants to know where the harmonies are, I want to know where her pitch is. Euph notes that Roshani is flat. And not just her singing. (That's a booby joke and this is officially the blog with the most sexual references ever.) Oh, it's just awful and the key change does NOT help her. We're done here thanks.
Dicko was nervous about her doing that cabaret style but thinks she carried it off well and that she gave us all 'fun'. Whatever, I would rather have had 'singing' and 'pitch' and 'no cheese' myself. I mean there's good cheese and there's bad cheese and that was BAD cheese, I don't care how much fun she was having. Marcia also says she had found the fun in that song as it's heavily influenced by Cabaret and look, if she'd come out in the Sally Bowles hat and ridiculously long eyelashes and done 'Money Makes The World Go Around' with G playing the MC, I would have been sold but . . . oh, you mean cabaret, not the musical Cabaret. Sorry, my mistake. Carry on. Kyle loved the song choice but hated her corset and was waiting for her boobs to pop out and was worried they'd have to go to the Channel Ten logo at some stage. Mathieson dryly points out they would have to go to TWO Channel Ten logo's and now everyone's making the booby jokes!
Wes Carr and his silky, luxurious (seriously, dude is a freaking Pantene commercial) and hatless (yay!) exJohnny Young Talent Time locks, sings 'Fernando'. And he totally turns it into a Beatles number. Huh. Trying to make a point Messiah? Don't bother, whatserface ain't listening, she's too busy telling everyone about how she's glad she didn't have to do this when she was on Idol, she just had to do the Beatles and no one cares about The Beatles, do they?? F. I .R. E. D. Honestly, once the strings and the backing vocalists kick in with him it's very old school rock. It's rather wonderful.
Marcia talks about how so many of ABBA's songs are feminine but that he made this song sound like it was written for him. Kyle AGAIN shows he knows absolutely zilch about any song ever written ever, saying this is a song about a girl in love with a Spanish man and you idiot. AT LEAST GOOGLE THE FUCKING LYRICS BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH. It's actually about two friends who fought together years ago during the Spanish Civil war, there is no reference to love beyond friendship and brotherhood and just because it was sung by a woman and it's called 'Fernando' doesn't mean it's about love. GOD. He did think it was great and would love to hear it on the radio tomorrow. It's written in Dicko's contract that he's not permitted to call Kyle out for being a moron when he talks about lyrics so he quickly moves on to how Wes gives them greatness week after week and that he turned it into a modern rock song and built it well.
ABBA. 'Waterloo'. Mark Spano. Heeeeeeeee. If there is finger pointing a la Muriel, he is GOLDEN as far as I'm concerned. He HATES ABBA. Oh, man. There is no finger pointing. There is completely aimless wandering of the stage, there is stuffing up of the lyric (twice), there is a care factor of zero. Oh man, he has Don't Care written ALL over him, he might as well be wearing it on a tshirt. I care more about this for him than he currently does. Maaarrrk. He doesn't even sing it as well as he could. I've fallen slightly out of love just from the sheer disappointment.
Kyle tells him you could see that he didn't care for the theme, that he still did a reasonable job but that it was obvious he hated it. He gives him kudos for continuing with the performance. Dicko makes the obligatory joke that Spano has met his Waterloo and surrendered and that it was horrible to watch. He tells him he will have to do songs he won't like (like the Idol Single if you win) and that the original version by ABBA rocked more than that. Spanner tries to argue with him and Dicko SMACKS him down for having his hand in his arse and sulking. (I later tell Fosse who missed Idol because of rehearsals that Dicko reamed Mark. Fosse somehow hears that as Dicko rimmed Mark and the conversation never fully recovers. Okay, now it's officially the blog with the most sexual references ever.) Marcia still thinks Mark is the bomb and that he owns the stage. She tells him not to let the song get on top of him and to never apologise and a VERY sulky Mark says he's not apologising for anything. G also still loves him and gives him the old hand on the shoulder and flirty eyes.
Madam Parker is singing my mother's all time favourite ABBA song - actually, this may be her all time favourite FAVOURITE song of any group - 'Dancing Queen'. Euph notes that she's wearing the hat EmilyTheColdlyAnointedOne wore one episode in Season Three. Madam that is, not my mother. Although Mum could be wearing a jaunty hat as we speak, I don't know, it's possible. Honestly, until you've seen my mum with a grandkid in her arms singing at the top of her lungs, completely off tune and dancing like a total spazz and not giving a good godDAMN who is watching (or in my case, doubled over on the floor laughing her arse off as MamaBelle sings the chorus to the tune of the verse), you ain't seen 'Dancing Queen' done right. Madam's performance starts off as a pastiche of reggae and RnB and she totally messes with the song. It's awful. Fosse's snoring in the next room at one thirty in the morning sounds better. (It really doesn't.) She's really breathy and staccato and when she pauses two thirds of the way to randomly 'whooohhhoooooh', it's just bad.
Dicko is a little taken aback that everyone's so spooked at doing ABBA and if she'd just taken the song and listened to the structure, forgotten about ABBA, it's really no different to a lot of 70's soul numbers which should have suited her. He calls it one of the most apprehensive performance's she's done and wants to know what the problem was. She says she had fun. Dicko's eyebrows say different and he tells her to toughen up a bit. Marcia thought she was going to have more trouble and liked how she gave it a clubby feel. She tells her never to be scared of a song but liked that she had fun with it. Kyle really enjoyed it but thinks she could have thrown away her inhibitions away more. He then rabbits on for about ten minutes about how ace she is. She gets a hug from Mathieson and now I'm jealous.
Teale Jakubenko wants to use ABBA to give us the Real Teale. He then performs the Rick Price version of 'Thank You For The Music'. I have nothing else to add. Oh! And when he uses his high register towards the end I screech at him to stop doing it and then ask Shaneequa if this is how she felt everytime Irish falsetto'd. She confirms that yes, Irish's falsetto drove her nuts. I apologise profusely (and then whisper to myself that at least Irish rocked his falsetto.) It's just so bland and blah and perfectly him and I'm bored now . . . judges?
Marcia says that's the happiest and most comfortable she's seen him and gives props to the two guitarists who were up with him (John and Rex) and also the backing vocalists. Kyle is glad he enjoyed it and says everyone owned that song and Marcia calls it their most beloved song. (Really? I think you'll find that would be 'Dancing Queen', Brown Sugar) Kyle compliments his vocals, calling him a supreme vocalist and a real contender. Dicko loves that he appreciates ABBA but wants to know why he chose a super naff, granny pleaser of a song and barely restrains himself from looking sidelong at Marcia as he calls it the worst song they ever did. Dicko (who bothers to know or find out this stuff, KYLE) reminds us all that it was a B side from another album and only got used when they did their greatest hits and that ABBA themselves didn't like it to start. Dicko tells him his voice is getting better and he's turning into a real contender.
whatserface wants to know if ABBA is up Luke Dickens' alley and condescendingly pats him on the knee and says hopefully he'll do a good job. What's Swedish for fired? The Muppets Swedish Chef says it's 'Gersh gurndy morn-dee burn-dee bork bork bork'. That's good enough for me. This is the performance I've been waiting to see. What the hell is Luke going to do to ABBA's 'Knowing Me, Knowing You' when he can't really Joe Coker it? I'll be perfectly frank, it's kind of strangely great. He rocks it completely and sings it well. The arrangement is a rocked out version of the original but he's made it his own. This dude CONSTANTLY surprises me. He was better than Spanner this week. That hurts me to type, but there it is.
Kyle hated the first twenty seconds, then he got into it, then he wanted to sing along and there were no "ah haaaaah's" for him to sing. Well, now you know how I felt when Anthony Callea did Toto's 'Hold The Line' and the "woh woh woh"s were missing. Dicko tells him he took the song to an awfully dark place and makes his third or fourth Wolf Creek comparison. 'Wolf Creek', it's the new 'favourite song'! Dicko still wants him to discover a sweeter voice. Luke laconically smiles that he'll work on it. Marcia thinks people will be looking at him and saying "you know, that shearer bloke can sing". She agrees with Dicko that he needs to show some light and shade and Kyle mutters something about his beard and Luke jokes that his hideous facial hair is the only thing giving him 'shade'. G and Mathieson leap to his defence and harp on about Kyle's own hideous facial hair and Dicko drags Luke's Missus into the mix.
Recap - holy hell, I totally forgot Chrislyn was still even on the show. On a second viewing I am even more impressed with Thanh. Dude.
Bottom three; Roshani, Madam, and my beloved Spanner.
Forgettable; Teale and Chrislyn.
Best three of the night; Sophie, Wes and OH MY GOD Thanh. Very closely followed by Luke, just edged out.
Go home Teale. And whatserface? Gersh gurndy morn-dee burn-dee bork bork bork. Yeah, you heard me.
TallulahBelle out.
****
ABBA . . . I mean . . . ABBA? That's . . . ABBA?! I gotta say, that's ballsy, right there, choosing an ABBA themed night. (I need quite desperately to be able to write ABBA with the backwards B. Damn it. It just looks . . . wrong all forwards like that.) Can we find out whoever it was who first piped up during the Choose Idol Theme Nights business meeting at Idol HQ and said they thought it would be all kinds of hilarity to get the kids 'Voulez-Vous' and 'Ring Ring'ing their way through a Sunday evening? And then you can all jump in the backseat of my car and we'll drive to their house and beat the EVER LOVING SHIT out of said person. Because MAN. It was not a good night. Less than half of the performances were good, less than half. The only thing saving that person from severe frontal lobe damage is the supreme mega awesomeness of Mathieson and G getting all Agnetha and Frida as they introduce the show. In Swedish. Possibly the best start to the night, ever. And on the bright side, I don't need to come up with my own theme this week because hello?! ABBA!! I can't top that.
Where's backup singer Gary Pinto? Have they given him the night off so all three BVs are girls for tonights show. You'd think that would somehow translate into some lovely harmonies. It doesn't. Bring back Pinto!! (Nerm at TWoP tells me that Gary's band CBD were in Perth this weekend for their annual Telethon - at which the lovely Damien Leith also made an appearance - so he was busy this weekend. Thanks for the heads up Nerm!)
G calls the judges Benny, Bjorn and Marcia and joins Mathieson in, it has to be said, mildly mocking both ABBA and Australia's love affair with them and for real, ABBA Gold is one of those CD's that every house in the country owns. There were at least two copies in our house. Which is nothing on Counting Crow's 'August and Everything After' of which there were three copies.
First performer up Chrislyn Hamilton is bringing out the big guns and firing up 'Mamma Mia' and I give thanks everyday that I didn't have to go see either the musical or the movie, one of the perks of being on the other side of the country to my mother. (Hola Mama!) Even Fosse knew better than to try and drag me to that film, even if I LOVE Amanda Seyfried because of Veronica Mars and La Streep is my god. Chrislyn tries real hard to inject that ABBA feeling into her performance, starting off giving us her profile whilst she sings and bopping around the stage all attitude and sass but it feels slightly off. Her singing is not great, she's shaky and it is not as good as when Red and I hear this song at parties and immediately jump up and mime the words, along with movements and perfectly timed head turns and swivels. (Yeah, we're THOSE friends.) We ROCK this song. Dicko would freaking LOVE us. Next season Red, you and me!
Dicko didn't mind the fact that Chrislyn put double cheese on it but tells her she needs to start refining what she does and then slams stylist Sheridan for putting her in a size too small spandex shiny top which pulls in all the wrong places across her stomach. Marcia tells her she knows who she is (and if she doesn't, she can check her drivers licence, right Marcia?) and then commends her for making her performance "the send up that ABBA sometimes becomes now". Riiiight. Sorry, what? Shut up, Marcia. Kyle says if you're going to go for fun then she should have gone the full Muriel's Wedding and worn the white jumpsuit. Chrislyn jokes that she thought about it and no Chrislyn, no one makes a white jumpsuit work. He calls it fun and well sung but says that he agrees with Dicko about what she's wearing perhaps not being the best outfit for her to wear - whereas a white jumpsuit is so very slimming.
whatserface Coulter talks about dancing in her living room to ABBA and how much she loves them. So basically, she would have been FINE if Season Two had had ABBA night instead of The Beatles, because really, who are The Beatles? Just four upstarts from the UK that didn't in any way influence the next DECADE (or two. or three.) of music. Who cares about The Beatles, right?
Sophie Paterson is giving 'Gimme Gimme Gimme' the Sophie Paterson Treatment (previously know as The Bobby Flynn Treatment). Slowing it down, stripping the melody right back and making it an entirely new and different song. It's very reminiscent of what she did last week but I don't care because it's still GREAT. No, it's not sung pitch perfect and she's got that waver-y, mournful tone to it that if you don't like that kind of singing, you don't like Sophie; but man oh man, she's completely seperated herself from the ABBA version and the sample that Madonna used that all the kids would have recognised. It's actually a pretty ballsy move and a great arrangement. It's very sexy. I love it. I'm pretty sure I'd get quickly bored of a full Sophie Paterson CD of nothing but this, but I'd certainly download this single and her song from last week off of iTunes.
Marcia likes the way she changes things around and is really glad the "old Soph" is back. Kyle says she shows us now every week what kind of artist she's going to be and "those that love that will eat that up for breakfast". I'll have a side of Canadian bacon and eggs sunny side up with my Sophie Paterson performance thanks. And pulpy orange juice. Ta. Dicko calls her the first of The Interpreters of the night, turning 'GGG' into a slow hand trip hop version. He calls it a smart positioning statement but says she lacked focus and wasn't quite smouldering or intense enough for the arrangement she'd put together.
whatserface tells us all how hard the ABBA songs are to sing - and you can just take it as read that everytime she says ABBA, she means The Beatles and we should all, especially me, get the fuck off her back about the hateful thing she did to 'We Can Work It Out' that got her booted off the show. Give me an 'F'. Give me an 'I'. Give me an 'R'. You know how the rest of that goes.
Thanh Bui is singing 'The Winner Takes It All'. Thanh's family have bought all the glitter and sparkly pens in Sydney in a sign making frenzy. Mardi Gras is going to be a little Corporate Boardroom Off White Coloured Carpet this year. Thanh has seated himself at the piano, which immediately means I'm going to enjoy his performance a thousand times more than I normally do because there will be no Callea-ism's. He . . . wow . . . he sings this really well, it's a great version of this song except for the really high bits that he stretches just that little too far to reach. He misses, but only slightly and it is hands down his best performance of the season thus far. It's emotional, it's reasonably well sung and I don't mind it. What the hell? Next thing you know, I'll be buying the entire Anthony Callea back catalogue. (Never happen. Ever.) When he finishes, he looks well chuffed with himself, and really, he should.
Kyle says they should have ordered Thanh with no cheese from day one because that was spot on. There were no theatrics, he was sincere/humble and great vocally and it was stunningly wonderful. Dicko says ABBA night was a jackpot for him, with perfect song choice and tonight was bloody fantastic. Marcia joins the list of people Mark Holden wants to sue when she gives him a motherfucking Touchdown. Marcia Marcia Marcia. Shut up. He was good, but he was in no way that good and also stop with the TDs okay? Did they maybe decide to take one each? If so, Kyle's had his and now Marcia, so Dicko has one TD left. Then we will never speak of this again. (Euph thinks he may be sleeping with Marcia. There are not enough 'w's in the world for that ewwwwwwww.)
Sidebar: Ohhh, dilemma. Foxtel tells me the movie Secretary is on Channel Ten tonight at 10.54 but! Resident Evil is on Channel Seven at 11.35. Decisions, decisions. Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader and some extremely hot BDSM . . . or Milla Jovovich kicking the Umbrella Corporation's ass? (BDSM stands for bondage, discipline/dominance, sadism&masochism and really, the submissive holds all the power in a real BDSM relationship, contrary to what you might think. You should just not ask how I know that. Oh, hey mum. Why yes, I was also talking about safety words last week and . . . huh? Well, when did Dad start reading my blog? It's all very well for him to be unimpress . . . I do NOT swear too much. Or talk about inappropriate material, my readers are grown ups and . . . you know, I'm a grown woman, for crying out loud, I haven't lived home since I was . . . oh fine. Isn't this just going to make Christmas awkward this year.) (Especially seeing as Secretary is TOTALLY going to win out. What? It's a great film. And I may have once made my mother watch Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down but she took me to see Basic Instinct and Michael Douglas' penis. So . . . yeah, we're still not even.)
It's cabaret night on Idol! At least, that's obviously what the memo said that Roshani Priddis and her performance of 'Money Money Money' got. It's Cheese with a Capital Ch. It's Mainland freaking Cheddar. She's doing this low pitched growl that's pure Marlene Dietrich as played by Jane Curtin in that one episode of Third Rock From The Sun where the aliens all had their first dreams. That was in Dick's dream, if I recall correctly. That was a great episode. This is not a great performance and when she reaches into John Foreman's back pocket and actually pulls some money out and practically winks at the camera as she throws it in the air, I check out completely. Shaneequa wants to know where the harmonies are, I want to know where her pitch is. Euph notes that Roshani is flat. And not just her singing. (That's a booby joke and this is officially the blog with the most sexual references ever.) Oh, it's just awful and the key change does NOT help her. We're done here thanks.
Dicko was nervous about her doing that cabaret style but thinks she carried it off well and that she gave us all 'fun'. Whatever, I would rather have had 'singing' and 'pitch' and 'no cheese' myself. I mean there's good cheese and there's bad cheese and that was BAD cheese, I don't care how much fun she was having. Marcia also says she had found the fun in that song as it's heavily influenced by Cabaret and look, if she'd come out in the Sally Bowles hat and ridiculously long eyelashes and done 'Money Makes The World Go Around' with G playing the MC, I would have been sold but . . . oh, you mean cabaret, not the musical Cabaret. Sorry, my mistake. Carry on. Kyle loved the song choice but hated her corset and was waiting for her boobs to pop out and was worried they'd have to go to the Channel Ten logo at some stage. Mathieson dryly points out they would have to go to TWO Channel Ten logo's and now everyone's making the booby jokes!
Wes Carr and his silky, luxurious (seriously, dude is a freaking Pantene commercial) and hatless (yay!) exJohnny Young Talent Time locks, sings 'Fernando'. And he totally turns it into a Beatles number. Huh. Trying to make a point Messiah? Don't bother, whatserface ain't listening, she's too busy telling everyone about how she's glad she didn't have to do this when she was on Idol, she just had to do the Beatles and no one cares about The Beatles, do they?? F. I .R. E. D. Honestly, once the strings and the backing vocalists kick in with him it's very old school rock. It's rather wonderful.
Marcia talks about how so many of ABBA's songs are feminine but that he made this song sound like it was written for him. Kyle AGAIN shows he knows absolutely zilch about any song ever written ever, saying this is a song about a girl in love with a Spanish man and you idiot. AT LEAST GOOGLE THE FUCKING LYRICS BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH. It's actually about two friends who fought together years ago during the Spanish Civil war, there is no reference to love beyond friendship and brotherhood and just because it was sung by a woman and it's called 'Fernando' doesn't mean it's about love. GOD. He did think it was great and would love to hear it on the radio tomorrow. It's written in Dicko's contract that he's not permitted to call Kyle out for being a moron when he talks about lyrics so he quickly moves on to how Wes gives them greatness week after week and that he turned it into a modern rock song and built it well.
ABBA. 'Waterloo'. Mark Spano. Heeeeeeeee. If there is finger pointing a la Muriel, he is GOLDEN as far as I'm concerned. He HATES ABBA. Oh, man. There is no finger pointing. There is completely aimless wandering of the stage, there is stuffing up of the lyric (twice), there is a care factor of zero. Oh man, he has Don't Care written ALL over him, he might as well be wearing it on a tshirt. I care more about this for him than he currently does. Maaarrrk. He doesn't even sing it as well as he could. I've fallen slightly out of love just from the sheer disappointment.
Kyle tells him you could see that he didn't care for the theme, that he still did a reasonable job but that it was obvious he hated it. He gives him kudos for continuing with the performance. Dicko makes the obligatory joke that Spano has met his Waterloo and surrendered and that it was horrible to watch. He tells him he will have to do songs he won't like (like the Idol Single if you win) and that the original version by ABBA rocked more than that. Spanner tries to argue with him and Dicko SMACKS him down for having his hand in his arse and sulking. (I later tell Fosse who missed Idol because of rehearsals that Dicko reamed Mark. Fosse somehow hears that as Dicko rimmed Mark and the conversation never fully recovers. Okay, now it's officially the blog with the most sexual references ever.) Marcia still thinks Mark is the bomb and that he owns the stage. She tells him not to let the song get on top of him and to never apologise and a VERY sulky Mark says he's not apologising for anything. G also still loves him and gives him the old hand on the shoulder and flirty eyes.
Madam Parker is singing my mother's all time favourite ABBA song - actually, this may be her all time favourite FAVOURITE song of any group - 'Dancing Queen'. Euph notes that she's wearing the hat EmilyTheColdlyAnointedOne wore one episode in Season Three. Madam that is, not my mother. Although Mum could be wearing a jaunty hat as we speak, I don't know, it's possible. Honestly, until you've seen my mum with a grandkid in her arms singing at the top of her lungs, completely off tune and dancing like a total spazz and not giving a good godDAMN who is watching (or in my case, doubled over on the floor laughing her arse off as MamaBelle sings the chorus to the tune of the verse), you ain't seen 'Dancing Queen' done right. Madam's performance starts off as a pastiche of reggae and RnB and she totally messes with the song. It's awful. Fosse's snoring in the next room at one thirty in the morning sounds better. (It really doesn't.) She's really breathy and staccato and when she pauses two thirds of the way to randomly 'whooohhhoooooh', it's just bad.
Dicko is a little taken aback that everyone's so spooked at doing ABBA and if she'd just taken the song and listened to the structure, forgotten about ABBA, it's really no different to a lot of 70's soul numbers which should have suited her. He calls it one of the most apprehensive performance's she's done and wants to know what the problem was. She says she had fun. Dicko's eyebrows say different and he tells her to toughen up a bit. Marcia thought she was going to have more trouble and liked how she gave it a clubby feel. She tells her never to be scared of a song but liked that she had fun with it. Kyle really enjoyed it but thinks she could have thrown away her inhibitions away more. He then rabbits on for about ten minutes about how ace she is. She gets a hug from Mathieson and now I'm jealous.
Teale Jakubenko wants to use ABBA to give us the Real Teale. He then performs the Rick Price version of 'Thank You For The Music'. I have nothing else to add. Oh! And when he uses his high register towards the end I screech at him to stop doing it and then ask Shaneequa if this is how she felt everytime Irish falsetto'd. She confirms that yes, Irish's falsetto drove her nuts. I apologise profusely (and then whisper to myself that at least Irish rocked his falsetto.) It's just so bland and blah and perfectly him and I'm bored now . . . judges?
Marcia says that's the happiest and most comfortable she's seen him and gives props to the two guitarists who were up with him (John and Rex) and also the backing vocalists. Kyle is glad he enjoyed it and says everyone owned that song and Marcia calls it their most beloved song. (Really? I think you'll find that would be 'Dancing Queen', Brown Sugar) Kyle compliments his vocals, calling him a supreme vocalist and a real contender. Dicko loves that he appreciates ABBA but wants to know why he chose a super naff, granny pleaser of a song and barely restrains himself from looking sidelong at Marcia as he calls it the worst song they ever did. Dicko (who bothers to know or find out this stuff, KYLE) reminds us all that it was a B side from another album and only got used when they did their greatest hits and that ABBA themselves didn't like it to start. Dicko tells him his voice is getting better and he's turning into a real contender.
whatserface wants to know if ABBA is up Luke Dickens' alley and condescendingly pats him on the knee and says hopefully he'll do a good job. What's Swedish for fired? The Muppets Swedish Chef says it's 'Gersh gurndy morn-dee burn-dee bork bork bork'. That's good enough for me. This is the performance I've been waiting to see. What the hell is Luke going to do to ABBA's 'Knowing Me, Knowing You' when he can't really Joe Coker it? I'll be perfectly frank, it's kind of strangely great. He rocks it completely and sings it well. The arrangement is a rocked out version of the original but he's made it his own. This dude CONSTANTLY surprises me. He was better than Spanner this week. That hurts me to type, but there it is.
Kyle hated the first twenty seconds, then he got into it, then he wanted to sing along and there were no "ah haaaaah's" for him to sing. Well, now you know how I felt when Anthony Callea did Toto's 'Hold The Line' and the "woh woh woh"s were missing. Dicko tells him he took the song to an awfully dark place and makes his third or fourth Wolf Creek comparison. 'Wolf Creek', it's the new 'favourite song'! Dicko still wants him to discover a sweeter voice. Luke laconically smiles that he'll work on it. Marcia thinks people will be looking at him and saying "you know, that shearer bloke can sing". She agrees with Dicko that he needs to show some light and shade and Kyle mutters something about his beard and Luke jokes that his hideous facial hair is the only thing giving him 'shade'. G and Mathieson leap to his defence and harp on about Kyle's own hideous facial hair and Dicko drags Luke's Missus into the mix.
Recap - holy hell, I totally forgot Chrislyn was still even on the show. On a second viewing I am even more impressed with Thanh. Dude.
Bottom three; Roshani, Madam, and my beloved Spanner.
Forgettable; Teale and Chrislyn.
Best three of the night; Sophie, Wes and OH MY GOD Thanh. Very closely followed by Luke, just edged out.
Go home Teale. And whatserface? Gersh gurndy morn-dee burn-dee bork bork bork. Yeah, you heard me.
TallulahBelle out.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Shaddupyaface.
So, pretty much every year - every year - the Idol contestants ruin some good ol' Aussie songs, although last year The Gauc (remember her? Yeah, me neither) did this ;
"Andrew G’s girlfriend Natalie Gauci is singing The Divinyls ‘All The Boys In Town’ and from the moment I heard she was doing that song, I said to myself that she would have to dirty it up because Chrissy Amphlett could make 'Ave Maria' sound FILTHY. God love her, national fucking treasure, Amphlett is. Bronze that woman. The Gauc infuses the start of the song with a nice touch of self disgust and busts out some lovely growly bits – it all fits, this is a song about being used and allowing yourself to be used by all and sundry and she captures it nicely – and just as I start wishing she hadn’t chained herself to the piano so she could stalk at us a bit because this song demands prowling across the stage like you’re going to have sex with every man you meet in a swirling press of sweat and fluids, she gets off the stool, marches around the piano and CLIMBS THE FUCK ON TOP!! She is begging and pleading the last bits of the song and when she practically STAMPS her foot for someone to ‘get me out of here’ at the end, my chest physically aches. Touch. Down. (oooh, two capitals.) Dicko thinks that the stairs were a bit of a cop out and says Chrissy would never have done that, she’d have struggled up herself. I don’t know, I personally think she would have hauled some sucker up from the audience and dug her stilettos into his spinal cord to get up there – that’s the risk you take when you go and see The Divinyls, spinal damage, baby, that band is only for the fierce. And The Gauc? Is fucking FIERCE."
Remember the piano?! The Gauc and her leggings stomping on top of a baby grand? MAN, that was an awesome performance, so good in fact that it made me completely forget about the cracked up version of The Veronicas 'When It All Falls Apart' that Tarasai Vushe then inflicted on us. Or The Season Of Irish when every second person seemed to do a Bee Gee's song, except for Damien Leith who did very pretty things to both 'Message To My Girl' and my girly squishy insides; or the year that OneTrickPonyDeadToMeLee Harding ruined 'Holy Grail' by SMILING the entire way through it and then Chris Luder forgot the words to 'Throw Your Arms Around Me' and only TeamKate's performance of John Farnham's 'Please Don't Ask Me' saved me from garroting myself. What I'm trying to say, in a remarkably longwinded manner, is that inevitably the majority of performances on Australian Night are lame, awful or cracked up like a Tuesday night whore (unless, interestingly enough, you're the eventual winner of the season) and I'm sick of it. This week's theme then, will be TallulahBelle Has Been Called UnAustralian For Hating These Songs By At Least One Person because if I already hate the song, the Idol's can't do very much to change that. Right? Let the games and the unholy ruination of perfectly good songs that I just don't like because I'm stubborn that way, begin.
Darren Hayes is awesome. Not a fan of his music, but DAMN, I love him on this show. Even with his very tame merchant banker hairstyle.
It can only be a good sign that Thanh Bui has the dreaded first perfomance slot (and therefore easily forgotten by voters and those traumatised by his style of singing), even if he is totally stealing my thunder by already choosing one of my least favourite Australian songs of all time, John Farnham's 'You're The Voice", which I just LOATHE. I hated it when it was number one forEVER and got played NONSTOP on Countdown and the radio and my brother and sister would deliberately sing it at the top of their lungs because they knew how much I hated it and MAN. I just can not stand this song. Ruin it at your leisure, Thanh. Darren feeds Thanh's delusion that there's room in the Aust music industry for another John Farnham sounding Anthony Callea clone and Thanh announces he's going back to his roots. (Speaking of roots, it's been three weeks since I dyed my hair red and MAN, hair grows a lot faster than you think.) Oh, dude. He's not singing terribly bad, but he's just so lame. He'll fit right the hell in doing songs for any of the morning breakfast shows. I about bust a gut laughing when he tries to butch the song up by yelling "come on" at the audience, it's just not that song Thanh. His parents are in the audience and they're loving him. Bland. Woah, his teeth are white.
Dicko admits to giving him a hard time over the last few weeks and says it was a big call doing such a "massive song". He acknowledges it wasn't the coolest performance but says Thanh broke through and let himself go and there was joy in it. Marcia likes that he's loosened up and there was joy and humility in his performance. She dug it and the audience dug it. Could they dig it down about six feet and lay it to rest? I've got a headstone they can use. Darren is terribly proud of him and says it was believable. Well, yes it was believeable because that's Thanh, he's bland, he's a John Farnham impersonater and that was right up his boring alley. Kyle calls him cheesy and naff (and this is why Thanh's a nice guy, he laughs thunderously at that, not taking offense at all) and he needs to lose that to be a big star (not really going to a problem, Kyle). G is fingerwaggingly disappointed that John Foreman didn't bagpipe that song up. He throws to whatserface Coulter, calling her a home grown star and I'd like to think that the Exec Producer has his wife backstage with a gun to her head threatening to bust a cap in her ass if he didn't say that. Actually, where's Mathieson? Do they have a gun to Mathieson's head?? Oh good god, say whatever they want G! She's a national treasure, she's a bonafide superstar, she was cheated of Season Two, in fact, let's retrospectively announce whatserface as the winner of Season Two, let her release PoorPoorCasey's single again and give her all the Aria's she can hold so long as they let Mathieson live, for the love of god, let him LIVE. She's not fired, I promise!!
Oh, there he is. Phew. Okay. (In that case? Fired.) Darren isn't too sure that meek Chrislyn Hamilton has the cojones to emotionally belt Tina Arena's 'Chains' adequately and for real, it's like the Idol's have some kind of weird looking glass through which they can see the songs I hate, although my bile doesn't rise nearly as far up for any particular song of Tina's, just all of Tina's kind of singing (I got my mother the new Tina CD for Christmas last year on the proviso she was never to play it in my presence) but I have to say, her time on the Idol panel in the UK has cut back on my dislike. (And really, my dislike is just the remants of childhood jealousy over her Young Talent Time days. I really wanted to be on that show, even though I mock it greatly now but that's more Callea's fault.) Anyway, Chrislyn sings for Darren and he is newly converted. She's kind of a little off (it's too low for her) until she hits the "I'm in chaaaaaains" bit and the end is awesome, with all the wailing and the "baby, baby LOOK at me" is heartfelt. I'm kind of a little over her type of singing though. She's all glory notes and power and her lower register needs work, especially when she's singing a slower song.
Marcia notes that she's a mature performer and she was initally really worried (I'm assuming about the song choice) but that she doesn't need to worry anymore. Girlfriend. Darren says she tore it up, she blew him away and that she looks fricking sexy. Chrislyn gets excited about that because she's a total hag in training. I recognise that in her. Kyle tells her she must have several people living inside her (no one goes for the obvious joke that she may have eaten them because that is BENEATH US ALL) because every week she's different. Dicko thinks her market would be women and gay boys Australia wide. Everyone studiously avoids making eye contact with Darren. Then he compares her to a Mills and Boon novel and says we've had the strong woman, the vulnerable woman and now it's time for the sexy woman. Kyle - of course - has no other reference for sexy but Britney Spears and Marcia shoots back that "there's sexy and then there's ho" and DAY-UM, Brown Sugar! Mathieson is impressed with Marcia's work. As are we all, James.
The idiot girlies in the audience scream at the mere mention of Tom Williams and his Dimples. He admits to Darren that he's been having a hard time of it, what with his shit song choices and the bad singing of said songs. Darren tells him he needs to connect more as an artist and says he needs to sing as if it's his last time on Aust television and from your lips, Hayes, from your lips. He's going to be doing Evermore's 'Light Surrounding You' and yep, they're a New Zealand band but hey, if Irish can do a Split Enz number than Dimples can do an Evermore one. Except of course when it inevitably turns out that he can't. He starts off very very earnest and this is probably the best he's sounded for a while but he's still not anywhere near the level of the other singers and he looks terrified and cheesy all at the same time. So in the interest of him not being allowed to continue to do slightly horrendous things to a song I quite like, instead I'd like him to read out the IMDB listing for The Castle, which whilst it isn't an Australian song, is an Aust movie I don't like and I have been called UnAustralian for my position on this. If he could chuck in a "How's the serenity?", so much the better. Either way, we wouldn't have to listen to his singing.
Darren smirks a little about Tom's squealing ladies (cut to the idiots in the audience who are losing their minds over this season's poor man's - or girl's - Matt Corby, who seriously, I didn't like him but Corby OWNS this kid when it comes to singing talent, even if he never looked at the camera) making it difficult for him to concentrate and maintain his focus and says that tonight he liked to see the committment but avoids saying anything about his actual singing. Kyle does what I'm assuming he thinks is an impersonation of me, as he puts on his old person voice and prattles on about sixteen being too young for this competition and how the stupid freaking tweenies love love LOVE Tom ohmigodheisjustsodreamy and then kind of compares him to Miley Cyrus or something. He does not say anything about Tom's singing. Dicko notes to the viewers at home that Evermore are NZers. He then brilliantly tells the screaming masses of idiot fangirls to go to their rooms because they need to shut the hell up when Daddy Dicko is talking, okay? He says Tom is skewing very very young with his audience and he needs to try and do something more uptempo. Dicko doesn't say anything about his singing. Marcia ruins the trend by calling him a fine singer. Shut up Marcia. G threatens to take away the tweenies mobile phone credit if they don't shut the hell up and DO IT, quickly before he makes it through to another week.
Okay so I haven't been called UnAustralian for hating 'Black Fingernails Red Wine' by Eskimo Joe but my LORD, I fucking hate this song and dude, the Idol's are so doing all the work for me tonight. I hated this song when it was played eight times a day on the radio, I hated it when Mutto did it on Aus Idol, I hate it now. And there's no way Teale isn't going to pretty this song up with his perfect enunciation and bang that final nail in the 'BFRW' coffin. So go for it dude, ruin away. Darren shows him how he needs to dirty it up and put some colour in the song and no, BAD Darren, let him ruin the song. He stares scarily down the camera and gives off some serious serial killer vibes. The red wash the lighting guys are using isn't helping. Seriously, he's scaring the hell out of me, stop it dude. His singing is lovely and perfect for this song and he's never been better and we should all vote for Teale, right? Dude, STOP LOOKING AT ME, I'm being as nice as I can. Mummy.
Kyle is pleased he's worked on his stage presence but that there's still too much thinking going on in his head. Kyle channels me and says the stare was less sexy and more Silence Of The Lambs. Dicko thinks his voice is getting better but on the down side thinks the rock posturing is too try hard. Marcia says it didn't work for Dicko because he's a man and gets the ladies in the audience to throw their panties on stage and look, I have all the requisite girly bits for swooning, get Spanner out here and watch me tizzy up, but that was not sexy, Marcia. Even with an agreed safe word. Mine is 'pumperknickel'. She tells him he needs more air in his voice and liked it when he dropped to his knees. Marcia's safe word is 'wellington'. Darren thought it was world class. Darren has a crush!! Darren's safe word is 'Daniel Jones'.* Dicko's is 'Glastonbury', Mathieson's is 'pirate', G's is 'anythingbuttheface', whatserface's is 'fired' and Kyle doesn't have a safe word at all. Teale has the deepest speaking voice. Mathieson calls him filthy Teale, and slips him his home address.
Sidebar; they're fasttracking NCIS? Other than Lakey, who watches that show? Even if Michael Wetherley is adorable when he's on Rove and has a total mancrush on Hamish. Fast track the new season of Dexter and start showing Battlestar Galactica again, you bastards.
Thanh for real thinks that Robbie Williams 'Angel' is Australia's favourite song? Dude, that song IS awesome but what the hell world do you even live in?
Roshani Priddis loves me. Why else would she have chosen a Renee Gayer song to do? However in interest of fairness, I must insist that she instead sing Kylie Minogue's 'Can't Get You Out Of My Head' as badly as possible. Please? I never got why everyone loved that song so freaking much, it's repetitive and dull and Kylie doesn't even really show her bum that much in the film clip. It's a mystery, Charlie Brown. 'Heading In The Right Direction' is a GREAT song choice for Roshani. Darren works with her on bringing the pain and hurt into the song. This is a great arrangment, simple and clean, with just her and Foreman on the piano. Even when her voice cracks a little on a few of her glory note bits and I could have done without the backing vocals - leave it just her and the piano - it's still pretty good.
Dicko compliments her on her style of performance, she's drawn everyone in and shown a different energy to the other 'big' performers of the night and he thinks that will show dividends. Marcia says she could hear her thinking in the song and she needs to just feel. Darren calls it an outstanding vocal performance and loves her outfit and totally wants to go shopping with her. Kyle says it was a great performance and vocal but is worried she might bore people. He's never heard the song before and probably doesn't know who Renee Gayer is either, honestly if it isn't the Pussycat Dolls or Usher, Kyle doesn't care for it. Schmuck.
I have to say that I honestly think Wes Carr could turn me around on the Choir Boys song 'Run To Paradise'. It's one of those songs that people - usually drunken - sing at the top of their lungs whilst I huddle in a corner in the foetal position trying desperately to protect my ears. I loathe it so very very much. The Messiah could strip it right down, play his guitar, sing it instead of screaming it and I might just love it the way the rest of the crowd at the Geebung seems to. Instead he's picked The Easybeats 'Friday On My Mind' and holy hell, he's not wearing a hat! He is wearing one to perform though. He's also instrument less. And wow. You notice the spazzy leg and crazy hands he's rocking when he doesn't have something to distract him. He wanders into the crowd and runs around the stage like a maniac to possibly distract us from the boring arrangement and - lets be honest here - not great singing. Everyone gets one bad week.
Marcia loves his energy and how solid he is as a performer, but she wants him to lose the hat for a couple of weeks and AMEN, sister girlfriend. For Darren, Wes is a superstar on stage and says that he reminds him of Bono and that he's a good bloke. Kyle loved it all, even the Forrest Gump dancing. Dicko says he's a walking iPod and has great reference points. He calls him a total rockstar. Wes's girlfriend is sitting next to a guy who is also wearing a crazy hat. Sigh.
whatserface says Luke Dickens will be singing a Barnesy classic. Oh dear god, please let it be 'Working Class Man'. I totally have that all picked out for him . . . ooooh, it's actually a Chisel song, 'Flame Trees'. That's . . . interesting. I wanted Brooke Addamo to do that one but you know, in a weird way - and I still don't get why I like him - this could TOTALLY work. I don't even know who I am anymore. He and Darren bond over being QLDers. Oh. No. Don't like it. It may seem redundant to say that he's screeching too much whilst singing a Chisel song, but he's totally having to strain to hit the register and he's stripped all the emotion from it. Also, he's turning purple. Should someone help him?
Darren has a soft spot for him and thinks his voice is extraordinary. Kyle's family loves Luke and Kyle does an impersonation of an Aussie rocker that is both spot on and hilarious. He calls him a star. Dicko wants to know if Luke's voice, which he lost earlier, has melted down because of the grog and tells him he needs to protect his voice. He tells him he needs to stop powering through songs and pull it back a bit. Marcia congratulates him for getting through the song and tells him he now knows what an amazing voice the Screeching Scot has. She tells him he needs to rest his instrument.
Sophie Paterson loves to mix it up, doesn't she? She's going to be singing The Potbelleez 'Don't Hold Back', which . . . weird choice for her. I'd have given her Delta Goodrem's 'Born To Try' which I usually hate and given it the acoustic treatment. Which might make me hate it less. But don't hold your breath. Even if Delta playing it live on the Footy Show one year did make me a little teary. Shut up. Darren wants the girl he saw in London back and he helps her break the tempo down and turn the song into a sad ballad. Man, if you want that kind of thing - check out Julia and Angus Stone's version of 'Tubthumping'. Seriously, that song goes from pub anthem to song about alcoholism in two seconds flat when they sing it. It's freaking awesome. She's seated and taken it into a higher register and given it the Tori Amos treatment and holy fucking hell, this is GREAT. She rips the hell out of the lyric and it becomes a mournful lamenting song. AuntieJ emails me when she sees this in Perth to say she would absolutely buy that as a single. So would I. I got serious chills when she sang that. This has to be the week she isn't bottom three, right?
Kyle thinks she's back to the old Sophie. She agrees she was trying too hard to please everyone. He really likes those 'bits' in her voice but he doesn't like the vibrato she has. Dicko says it's nice to see her natural but he would have liked to see the uptempo song and it's not often we disagree Dicko but you could not be more fucking wrong. That was ace, best arrangement and performance of the night thus far. Shut up Dicko. Marcia tells her to keep going with more of what she just did and stay true to herself. Darren is thrilled that the fragile, innocent, introverted Sophie is back and then tells Dicko he thoroughly disagrees with him and if she'd done it as a dance number it would have missed the point and of course he's going to say that, he practically arranged it for her. But he's still right.
You know how every single time you go to any bar in Australia at any given time, on any given night, they'll be playing Chisel's 'Khe Sanh'? I'm sure I'm not the only person in this wide, brown land of ours who does not have the first clue what the words to this song are when I'm sober. I need to consume at least five beers, three shots of tequila and half a pack of Winnie Blues before I can sing along. I have friends who will attest to this. Which leaves me with a HELL of a headache, severe nausea and a mouth that feels like arse the next morning, so I am not particularly fond of 'Khe Sanh'. I have Post Traumatic Chisel Disorder and see a support group monthly. Also, if Mark Spano was doing Chisel, I wouldn't have to break up with him for saying that if you don't like Farnham, he doesn't like you. Why? Why would you say that, Spanner? WHY? Where has the love gone? Darren helps him with his higher register because Farnham has an AWESOME upper register and thus far we've not seen that from Mark. Also, Farnham? 'Age of Reason'? Oh, MARK. He sings this well. You know who doesn't? The backing singers, who sound pitchy and flat and AWFUL. I love you Spanner, but I have no time for this performance. Even if you do that sexy thing where you tilt your head back and dude, the veins on your neck are HOT. Still. Farnham? Urgh.
Dicko loves the effortless quality of his performances but wants him to try much much harder. He's becoming too laid back and needs to dig deeper and give us some Moments. Marcia thought it was beautiful and sombre but she knows he's got a lot more to give. Darren says it was great and solid. He wonders if the holding back is a fear of hurting his voice. Kyle agrees with Dicko that he's in cruise control and he needs A Moment. He needs to not look like he's been tuning (Really? Tuning? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?) chicks all week and then smashed out a song at the end. G is unhappy about the chicks reference and is not nearly as touchy as he usually is with Spanner.
It wouldn't suit her in the slightest but I totally want Madam Parker to bust out the Men At Work number 'Down Under'. Just 'cause. Wouldn't it be hilarious? Come on, you know you want to see that?! It would be completely deviating from the norm and SO much more interesting than The Freaking Veronicas. Darren tells her she purrs but she needs to "roar" on 'Hook Me Up' and says she's adorable like candy but she needs to be like filthy, dirty hot chocolate. She comes thisclose to missing the beginning of the song, like it started and she wasn't ready. She prowls a little but it's really kind of bland and not sung very well. Does Madam not care anymore? She gave a lazy performance last week too. I do like her fingerless gloves. There is no dirt or filth in this performance at all, did she listen even a smidge to Darren?
Marcia says it was unusual to hear her sing that kind of song. Madam thinks it was dangerous and that she got into her character. Maybe if her character was a sniper for hire as played by one of the Olsen twins. Darren says for a sweet person it was obviously difficult to find the inner ho (hah, he's great!) but he thinks it was sexy and cute. Kyle agrees it was dangerous to pick a pop rock song and it was difficult for her to execute. He thinks song choice was wrong and she should stick to the soul arena. Dicko says people think pop is easy and it's not and now she knows that because it was like Mother Teresa holding a lingerie party and it was wrong. G is horrified by the visual that gives him.
Bottom three - Thanh, Tom, Teale, Luke, Madam. Any of them.
Top three - Sophie, Roshani. I don't have a third, I only really liked the two girls. Although The Messiah and Spanner were still good enough to not go anywhere, even if Wes's singing was slightly off tonight. If Sophie is bottom three again, I'll be pissed. No liveblogging for the Monday show, I'll be off having dinner with Q. And powervoting for Sophie if she's there again.
TallulahBelle out.
*Daniel was the other member of Savage Garden. He'd totally be Darren's safe word, right?
"Andrew G’s girlfriend Natalie Gauci is singing The Divinyls ‘All The Boys In Town’ and from the moment I heard she was doing that song, I said to myself that she would have to dirty it up because Chrissy Amphlett could make 'Ave Maria' sound FILTHY. God love her, national fucking treasure, Amphlett is. Bronze that woman. The Gauc infuses the start of the song with a nice touch of self disgust and busts out some lovely growly bits – it all fits, this is a song about being used and allowing yourself to be used by all and sundry and she captures it nicely – and just as I start wishing she hadn’t chained herself to the piano so she could stalk at us a bit because this song demands prowling across the stage like you’re going to have sex with every man you meet in a swirling press of sweat and fluids, she gets off the stool, marches around the piano and CLIMBS THE FUCK ON TOP!! She is begging and pleading the last bits of the song and when she practically STAMPS her foot for someone to ‘get me out of here’ at the end, my chest physically aches. Touch. Down. (oooh, two capitals.) Dicko thinks that the stairs were a bit of a cop out and says Chrissy would never have done that, she’d have struggled up herself. I don’t know, I personally think she would have hauled some sucker up from the audience and dug her stilettos into his spinal cord to get up there – that’s the risk you take when you go and see The Divinyls, spinal damage, baby, that band is only for the fierce. And The Gauc? Is fucking FIERCE."
Remember the piano?! The Gauc and her leggings stomping on top of a baby grand? MAN, that was an awesome performance, so good in fact that it made me completely forget about the cracked up version of The Veronicas 'When It All Falls Apart' that Tarasai Vushe then inflicted on us. Or The Season Of Irish when every second person seemed to do a Bee Gee's song, except for Damien Leith who did very pretty things to both 'Message To My Girl' and my girly squishy insides; or the year that OneTrickPonyDeadToMeLee Harding ruined 'Holy Grail' by SMILING the entire way through it and then Chris Luder forgot the words to 'Throw Your Arms Around Me' and only TeamKate's performance of John Farnham's 'Please Don't Ask Me' saved me from garroting myself. What I'm trying to say, in a remarkably longwinded manner, is that inevitably the majority of performances on Australian Night are lame, awful or cracked up like a Tuesday night whore (unless, interestingly enough, you're the eventual winner of the season) and I'm sick of it. This week's theme then, will be TallulahBelle Has Been Called UnAustralian For Hating These Songs By At Least One Person because if I already hate the song, the Idol's can't do very much to change that. Right? Let the games and the unholy ruination of perfectly good songs that I just don't like because I'm stubborn that way, begin.
Darren Hayes is awesome. Not a fan of his music, but DAMN, I love him on this show. Even with his very tame merchant banker hairstyle.
It can only be a good sign that Thanh Bui has the dreaded first perfomance slot (and therefore easily forgotten by voters and those traumatised by his style of singing), even if he is totally stealing my thunder by already choosing one of my least favourite Australian songs of all time, John Farnham's 'You're The Voice", which I just LOATHE. I hated it when it was number one forEVER and got played NONSTOP on Countdown and the radio and my brother and sister would deliberately sing it at the top of their lungs because they knew how much I hated it and MAN. I just can not stand this song. Ruin it at your leisure, Thanh. Darren feeds Thanh's delusion that there's room in the Aust music industry for another John Farnham sounding Anthony Callea clone and Thanh announces he's going back to his roots. (Speaking of roots, it's been three weeks since I dyed my hair red and MAN, hair grows a lot faster than you think.) Oh, dude. He's not singing terribly bad, but he's just so lame. He'll fit right the hell in doing songs for any of the morning breakfast shows. I about bust a gut laughing when he tries to butch the song up by yelling "come on" at the audience, it's just not that song Thanh. His parents are in the audience and they're loving him. Bland. Woah, his teeth are white.
Dicko admits to giving him a hard time over the last few weeks and says it was a big call doing such a "massive song". He acknowledges it wasn't the coolest performance but says Thanh broke through and let himself go and there was joy in it. Marcia likes that he's loosened up and there was joy and humility in his performance. She dug it and the audience dug it. Could they dig it down about six feet and lay it to rest? I've got a headstone they can use. Darren is terribly proud of him and says it was believable. Well, yes it was believeable because that's Thanh, he's bland, he's a John Farnham impersonater and that was right up his boring alley. Kyle calls him cheesy and naff (and this is why Thanh's a nice guy, he laughs thunderously at that, not taking offense at all) and he needs to lose that to be a big star (not really going to a problem, Kyle). G is fingerwaggingly disappointed that John Foreman didn't bagpipe that song up. He throws to whatserface Coulter, calling her a home grown star and I'd like to think that the Exec Producer has his wife backstage with a gun to her head threatening to bust a cap in her ass if he didn't say that. Actually, where's Mathieson? Do they have a gun to Mathieson's head?? Oh good god, say whatever they want G! She's a national treasure, she's a bonafide superstar, she was cheated of Season Two, in fact, let's retrospectively announce whatserface as the winner of Season Two, let her release PoorPoorCasey's single again and give her all the Aria's she can hold so long as they let Mathieson live, for the love of god, let him LIVE. She's not fired, I promise!!
Oh, there he is. Phew. Okay. (In that case? Fired.) Darren isn't too sure that meek Chrislyn Hamilton has the cojones to emotionally belt Tina Arena's 'Chains' adequately and for real, it's like the Idol's have some kind of weird looking glass through which they can see the songs I hate, although my bile doesn't rise nearly as far up for any particular song of Tina's, just all of Tina's kind of singing (I got my mother the new Tina CD for Christmas last year on the proviso she was never to play it in my presence) but I have to say, her time on the Idol panel in the UK has cut back on my dislike. (And really, my dislike is just the remants of childhood jealousy over her Young Talent Time days. I really wanted to be on that show, even though I mock it greatly now but that's more Callea's fault.) Anyway, Chrislyn sings for Darren and he is newly converted. She's kind of a little off (it's too low for her) until she hits the "I'm in chaaaaaains" bit and the end is awesome, with all the wailing and the "baby, baby LOOK at me" is heartfelt. I'm kind of a little over her type of singing though. She's all glory notes and power and her lower register needs work, especially when she's singing a slower song.
Marcia notes that she's a mature performer and she was initally really worried (I'm assuming about the song choice) but that she doesn't need to worry anymore. Girlfriend. Darren says she tore it up, she blew him away and that she looks fricking sexy. Chrislyn gets excited about that because she's a total hag in training. I recognise that in her. Kyle tells her she must have several people living inside her (no one goes for the obvious joke that she may have eaten them because that is BENEATH US ALL) because every week she's different. Dicko thinks her market would be women and gay boys Australia wide. Everyone studiously avoids making eye contact with Darren. Then he compares her to a Mills and Boon novel and says we've had the strong woman, the vulnerable woman and now it's time for the sexy woman. Kyle - of course - has no other reference for sexy but Britney Spears and Marcia shoots back that "there's sexy and then there's ho" and DAY-UM, Brown Sugar! Mathieson is impressed with Marcia's work. As are we all, James.
The idiot girlies in the audience scream at the mere mention of Tom Williams and his Dimples. He admits to Darren that he's been having a hard time of it, what with his shit song choices and the bad singing of said songs. Darren tells him he needs to connect more as an artist and says he needs to sing as if it's his last time on Aust television and from your lips, Hayes, from your lips. He's going to be doing Evermore's 'Light Surrounding You' and yep, they're a New Zealand band but hey, if Irish can do a Split Enz number than Dimples can do an Evermore one. Except of course when it inevitably turns out that he can't. He starts off very very earnest and this is probably the best he's sounded for a while but he's still not anywhere near the level of the other singers and he looks terrified and cheesy all at the same time. So in the interest of him not being allowed to continue to do slightly horrendous things to a song I quite like, instead I'd like him to read out the IMDB listing for The Castle, which whilst it isn't an Australian song, is an Aust movie I don't like and I have been called UnAustralian for my position on this. If he could chuck in a "How's the serenity?", so much the better. Either way, we wouldn't have to listen to his singing.
Darren smirks a little about Tom's squealing ladies (cut to the idiots in the audience who are losing their minds over this season's poor man's - or girl's - Matt Corby, who seriously, I didn't like him but Corby OWNS this kid when it comes to singing talent, even if he never looked at the camera) making it difficult for him to concentrate and maintain his focus and says that tonight he liked to see the committment but avoids saying anything about his actual singing. Kyle does what I'm assuming he thinks is an impersonation of me, as he puts on his old person voice and prattles on about sixteen being too young for this competition and how the stupid freaking tweenies love love LOVE Tom ohmigodheisjustsodreamy and then kind of compares him to Miley Cyrus or something. He does not say anything about Tom's singing. Dicko notes to the viewers at home that Evermore are NZers. He then brilliantly tells the screaming masses of idiot fangirls to go to their rooms because they need to shut the hell up when Daddy Dicko is talking, okay? He says Tom is skewing very very young with his audience and he needs to try and do something more uptempo. Dicko doesn't say anything about his singing. Marcia ruins the trend by calling him a fine singer. Shut up Marcia. G threatens to take away the tweenies mobile phone credit if they don't shut the hell up and DO IT, quickly before he makes it through to another week.
Okay so I haven't been called UnAustralian for hating 'Black Fingernails Red Wine' by Eskimo Joe but my LORD, I fucking hate this song and dude, the Idol's are so doing all the work for me tonight. I hated this song when it was played eight times a day on the radio, I hated it when Mutto did it on Aus Idol, I hate it now. And there's no way Teale isn't going to pretty this song up with his perfect enunciation and bang that final nail in the 'BFRW' coffin. So go for it dude, ruin away. Darren shows him how he needs to dirty it up and put some colour in the song and no, BAD Darren, let him ruin the song. He stares scarily down the camera and gives off some serious serial killer vibes. The red wash the lighting guys are using isn't helping. Seriously, he's scaring the hell out of me, stop it dude. His singing is lovely and perfect for this song and he's never been better and we should all vote for Teale, right? Dude, STOP LOOKING AT ME, I'm being as nice as I can. Mummy.
Kyle is pleased he's worked on his stage presence but that there's still too much thinking going on in his head. Kyle channels me and says the stare was less sexy and more Silence Of The Lambs. Dicko thinks his voice is getting better but on the down side thinks the rock posturing is too try hard. Marcia says it didn't work for Dicko because he's a man and gets the ladies in the audience to throw their panties on stage and look, I have all the requisite girly bits for swooning, get Spanner out here and watch me tizzy up, but that was not sexy, Marcia. Even with an agreed safe word. Mine is 'pumperknickel'. She tells him he needs more air in his voice and liked it when he dropped to his knees. Marcia's safe word is 'wellington'. Darren thought it was world class. Darren has a crush!! Darren's safe word is 'Daniel Jones'.* Dicko's is 'Glastonbury', Mathieson's is 'pirate', G's is 'anythingbuttheface', whatserface's is 'fired' and Kyle doesn't have a safe word at all. Teale has the deepest speaking voice. Mathieson calls him filthy Teale, and slips him his home address.
Sidebar; they're fasttracking NCIS? Other than Lakey, who watches that show? Even if Michael Wetherley is adorable when he's on Rove and has a total mancrush on Hamish. Fast track the new season of Dexter and start showing Battlestar Galactica again, you bastards.
Thanh for real thinks that Robbie Williams 'Angel' is Australia's favourite song? Dude, that song IS awesome but what the hell world do you even live in?
Roshani Priddis loves me. Why else would she have chosen a Renee Gayer song to do? However in interest of fairness, I must insist that she instead sing Kylie Minogue's 'Can't Get You Out Of My Head' as badly as possible. Please? I never got why everyone loved that song so freaking much, it's repetitive and dull and Kylie doesn't even really show her bum that much in the film clip. It's a mystery, Charlie Brown. 'Heading In The Right Direction' is a GREAT song choice for Roshani. Darren works with her on bringing the pain and hurt into the song. This is a great arrangment, simple and clean, with just her and Foreman on the piano. Even when her voice cracks a little on a few of her glory note bits and I could have done without the backing vocals - leave it just her and the piano - it's still pretty good.
Dicko compliments her on her style of performance, she's drawn everyone in and shown a different energy to the other 'big' performers of the night and he thinks that will show dividends. Marcia says she could hear her thinking in the song and she needs to just feel. Darren calls it an outstanding vocal performance and loves her outfit and totally wants to go shopping with her. Kyle says it was a great performance and vocal but is worried she might bore people. He's never heard the song before and probably doesn't know who Renee Gayer is either, honestly if it isn't the Pussycat Dolls or Usher, Kyle doesn't care for it. Schmuck.
I have to say that I honestly think Wes Carr could turn me around on the Choir Boys song 'Run To Paradise'. It's one of those songs that people - usually drunken - sing at the top of their lungs whilst I huddle in a corner in the foetal position trying desperately to protect my ears. I loathe it so very very much. The Messiah could strip it right down, play his guitar, sing it instead of screaming it and I might just love it the way the rest of the crowd at the Geebung seems to. Instead he's picked The Easybeats 'Friday On My Mind' and holy hell, he's not wearing a hat! He is wearing one to perform though. He's also instrument less. And wow. You notice the spazzy leg and crazy hands he's rocking when he doesn't have something to distract him. He wanders into the crowd and runs around the stage like a maniac to possibly distract us from the boring arrangement and - lets be honest here - not great singing. Everyone gets one bad week.
Marcia loves his energy and how solid he is as a performer, but she wants him to lose the hat for a couple of weeks and AMEN, sister girlfriend. For Darren, Wes is a superstar on stage and says that he reminds him of Bono and that he's a good bloke. Kyle loved it all, even the Forrest Gump dancing. Dicko says he's a walking iPod and has great reference points. He calls him a total rockstar. Wes's girlfriend is sitting next to a guy who is also wearing a crazy hat. Sigh.
whatserface says Luke Dickens will be singing a Barnesy classic. Oh dear god, please let it be 'Working Class Man'. I totally have that all picked out for him . . . ooooh, it's actually a Chisel song, 'Flame Trees'. That's . . . interesting. I wanted Brooke Addamo to do that one but you know, in a weird way - and I still don't get why I like him - this could TOTALLY work. I don't even know who I am anymore. He and Darren bond over being QLDers. Oh. No. Don't like it. It may seem redundant to say that he's screeching too much whilst singing a Chisel song, but he's totally having to strain to hit the register and he's stripped all the emotion from it. Also, he's turning purple. Should someone help him?
Darren has a soft spot for him and thinks his voice is extraordinary. Kyle's family loves Luke and Kyle does an impersonation of an Aussie rocker that is both spot on and hilarious. He calls him a star. Dicko wants to know if Luke's voice, which he lost earlier, has melted down because of the grog and tells him he needs to protect his voice. He tells him he needs to stop powering through songs and pull it back a bit. Marcia congratulates him for getting through the song and tells him he now knows what an amazing voice the Screeching Scot has. She tells him he needs to rest his instrument.
Sophie Paterson loves to mix it up, doesn't she? She's going to be singing The Potbelleez 'Don't Hold Back', which . . . weird choice for her. I'd have given her Delta Goodrem's 'Born To Try' which I usually hate and given it the acoustic treatment. Which might make me hate it less. But don't hold your breath. Even if Delta playing it live on the Footy Show one year did make me a little teary. Shut up. Darren wants the girl he saw in London back and he helps her break the tempo down and turn the song into a sad ballad. Man, if you want that kind of thing - check out Julia and Angus Stone's version of 'Tubthumping'. Seriously, that song goes from pub anthem to song about alcoholism in two seconds flat when they sing it. It's freaking awesome. She's seated and taken it into a higher register and given it the Tori Amos treatment and holy fucking hell, this is GREAT. She rips the hell out of the lyric and it becomes a mournful lamenting song. AuntieJ emails me when she sees this in Perth to say she would absolutely buy that as a single. So would I. I got serious chills when she sang that. This has to be the week she isn't bottom three, right?
Kyle thinks she's back to the old Sophie. She agrees she was trying too hard to please everyone. He really likes those 'bits' in her voice but he doesn't like the vibrato she has. Dicko says it's nice to see her natural but he would have liked to see the uptempo song and it's not often we disagree Dicko but you could not be more fucking wrong. That was ace, best arrangement and performance of the night thus far. Shut up Dicko. Marcia tells her to keep going with more of what she just did and stay true to herself. Darren is thrilled that the fragile, innocent, introverted Sophie is back and then tells Dicko he thoroughly disagrees with him and if she'd done it as a dance number it would have missed the point and of course he's going to say that, he practically arranged it for her. But he's still right.
You know how every single time you go to any bar in Australia at any given time, on any given night, they'll be playing Chisel's 'Khe Sanh'? I'm sure I'm not the only person in this wide, brown land of ours who does not have the first clue what the words to this song are when I'm sober. I need to consume at least five beers, three shots of tequila and half a pack of Winnie Blues before I can sing along. I have friends who will attest to this. Which leaves me with a HELL of a headache, severe nausea and a mouth that feels like arse the next morning, so I am not particularly fond of 'Khe Sanh'. I have Post Traumatic Chisel Disorder and see a support group monthly. Also, if Mark Spano was doing Chisel, I wouldn't have to break up with him for saying that if you don't like Farnham, he doesn't like you. Why? Why would you say that, Spanner? WHY? Where has the love gone? Darren helps him with his higher register because Farnham has an AWESOME upper register and thus far we've not seen that from Mark. Also, Farnham? 'Age of Reason'? Oh, MARK. He sings this well. You know who doesn't? The backing singers, who sound pitchy and flat and AWFUL. I love you Spanner, but I have no time for this performance. Even if you do that sexy thing where you tilt your head back and dude, the veins on your neck are HOT. Still. Farnham? Urgh.
Dicko loves the effortless quality of his performances but wants him to try much much harder. He's becoming too laid back and needs to dig deeper and give us some Moments. Marcia thought it was beautiful and sombre but she knows he's got a lot more to give. Darren says it was great and solid. He wonders if the holding back is a fear of hurting his voice. Kyle agrees with Dicko that he's in cruise control and he needs A Moment. He needs to not look like he's been tuning (Really? Tuning? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?) chicks all week and then smashed out a song at the end. G is unhappy about the chicks reference and is not nearly as touchy as he usually is with Spanner.
It wouldn't suit her in the slightest but I totally want Madam Parker to bust out the Men At Work number 'Down Under'. Just 'cause. Wouldn't it be hilarious? Come on, you know you want to see that?! It would be completely deviating from the norm and SO much more interesting than The Freaking Veronicas. Darren tells her she purrs but she needs to "roar" on 'Hook Me Up' and says she's adorable like candy but she needs to be like filthy, dirty hot chocolate. She comes thisclose to missing the beginning of the song, like it started and she wasn't ready. She prowls a little but it's really kind of bland and not sung very well. Does Madam not care anymore? She gave a lazy performance last week too. I do like her fingerless gloves. There is no dirt or filth in this performance at all, did she listen even a smidge to Darren?
Marcia says it was unusual to hear her sing that kind of song. Madam thinks it was dangerous and that she got into her character. Maybe if her character was a sniper for hire as played by one of the Olsen twins. Darren says for a sweet person it was obviously difficult to find the inner ho (hah, he's great!) but he thinks it was sexy and cute. Kyle agrees it was dangerous to pick a pop rock song and it was difficult for her to execute. He thinks song choice was wrong and she should stick to the soul arena. Dicko says people think pop is easy and it's not and now she knows that because it was like Mother Teresa holding a lingerie party and it was wrong. G is horrified by the visual that gives him.
Bottom three - Thanh, Tom, Teale, Luke, Madam. Any of them.
Top three - Sophie, Roshani. I don't have a third, I only really liked the two girls. Although The Messiah and Spanner were still good enough to not go anywhere, even if Wes's singing was slightly off tonight. If Sophie is bottom three again, I'll be pissed. No liveblogging for the Monday show, I'll be off having dinner with Q. And powervoting for Sophie if she's there again.
TallulahBelle out.
*Daniel was the other member of Savage Garden. He'd totally be Darren's safe word, right?
Monday, September 22, 2008
Liveblogging; Eleven to Ten.
7 32 Mathieson and his skinny tie put Brooke Addamo in the bottom three, G calls out Sophie Paterson and Mathieson rounds out the bottom three with the only person who actually deserves to be there, Thanh Bui.
7 33 Brooke's disappointment is palpable as she sings 'Bette Davis Eyes' again and this fucking sucks, there is no way this girl should be in the bottom three and if she goes I will be mega pissed. Way to get me suckered into voting, you rat bastards. Mathieson throws back to whatserface as Brooke steals the microphone so we get G being a cutie pie again and rushing back to get it.
7 35 Sophie is rocking the high ponytail again as she sings 'Sweet Dreams' and she looks . . . you know, she looks kind of fed up with this whole thing already. Hitting Bottom Three two weeks in a row, that SUCKS. I want to smack the living shit out of people voting for Dimples. She's so angry she mangles her big power note but rallies and pulls the end out nicely. She tells whatserface that it wasn't too big a shock.
7 38 Oh geez, we have to listen to Thanh breathily croon his way through 'Every Breath You Take'. Go watch Robert Downey Jr again. He's very earnest and he just wants this so very much but he has to be the one to go. It would be criminal to let either of the girls go over him. The Idol sound guys give us a footy siren to let us know we can vote. Excuse me for a minute whilst I power vote for Brooke. Sorry Sophie, I can only choose one of you and Brooke was better.
7 41 Marcia says that they were all totally in their stride last night and when they're in the Bottom Three they have to go even harder and step up. Kyle says he doesn't think the worst performers are in the bottom. Dicko doesn't say anything before G throws to a break.
7 43 Brooke 19 10 10 x lots. I text message Fosse and Shaneequa who are both at rehearsals to let them know and register my astounding disgust at Brooke being there. Shaneequa replies with one word - crap - and Fosse's text is a hopeful goodbye to Thanh.
7 46 Mathieson asks Sophie why she may not be connecting with the people at home. She says she doesn't really know how to answer that, she sings her best etc. They reshow her original audition with her original song and Darren Hayes raves at her and I remember how awesome she is and man, it's hard to type with your fingers crossed. She says she'll do a Potbelleez song if she makes it to next week's Australian week theme.
7 49 Whatserface talks to Brooke and we get a recap of her previous nights performance and how AWESOME she was. Stupid voting public. Coulter asks her if she thinks her performace was up to the level of the others AND FUCK RIGHT OFF, YOU BEATLES RUINING SKANK. Get the FUCK off my show. FIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRED.
7 51 Mathieson holds back the giggles as he asks how Thanh possiby couldn't have known that the Police song is about stalking and there is much wankery about how Thanh still thinks it's a pretty pretty love song. Last night before the show Marcia gave Thanh tips on how to be a scary motherfucker. Heh. She now tells him he has one of the best voices in the comp but he needs to listen.
7 54 Chrislyn wins the Cadbury Best Performance of the night for the second week in a row.
7 55 Phil Collins listening, drumming Cadbury gorilla. STILL FUNNY.
7 58 G gets the giggles about something to do with David Lee Roth. I don't know, he's just adorable when he's flustered. Luke got recognised on the beach and laughingly notes that it was just because he was Dimples.
8 00 G talks to Tom and the fucking idiots in the audience start squealing like he's frigging Justin Timberlake. He is NOT Justin Timberlake, he's not even Joey Fatone, you fucking morons. They show the shocking night that he had and Dimples says he agrees he needs to step up. Dicko gets all Dad on a sad and weepy Dimples and this is why he needs to not be on this show, because he's just a frigging kid and that just got him a THOUSAND sympathy votes from the idiot tweens. Dicko asks him how he feels to be safe on such a poor performance and Dimples says he feels bad. Dicko reminds us all how freaking long we had to listen to Marty Simpson last season purely because someone out there found him attractive. Sickos.
8 04 Mathieson talks some more with The Messiah who is wearing a tartan hat that I just can't even . . . man . . . it deserves applause this one, it's hugely geeky and it's the first hat I have loved. They shoot the breeze about the wankery in the press recently about him having too much real life experience and blah blah. He and whatserface rap in the hallways and whilst The Messiah doesn't pull back from busting out 'motherfucker', he holds back from 'nigger'. She does not. It's random and freaking hilarious and this is the first time I've enjoyed her on the show. Gold. But still fired, obviously.
8 08 I want one of the new nano-chromatic iPods, either the pink or the red one. You wanted to know that, yeah?
8 09 La Lauper!! 'Time After Time'!! Cyndi's got an Appalachian dulcimer perched on her thighs and she is playing that bastard sweetly. She's accompanied by a dude on guitar and she croons beautifully. Her range is great and she sounds amazing, age has barely affected her voice at all. She absolutely shits all over Jordin Sparks from last week. This is great. Even better, she's wearing total stripper shoes! (But is wisely sitting down.) She gets a well deserved standing ovation from the lucky lucky bastards in the audience. G is giddy about the dulcimer and mentions she played Mardi Gras recently - see, the new Cher. She's wonderfully funny and plays up to the boys. Love. Her. Can we keep her? PLEASE?
Sidebar; Red has totally committed to seeing The House Bunny with me. She's awesome, y'all.
8 19 G gets to the first safe contestant (Brooke, Brooke, Brooke, Brooke) and it's . . . fuck. Thanh. Great, he can do his John Farnham impersonation to an actual John Farnham song on Sunday for Australian Week. Sorry Sophie, I don't want you to go, but I don't want it to be Brooke either. Ad break.
8 26 Dicko doesn't think either of the girls deserve to be there based on their performances from the night before. Mathieson reveals that Brooke is going. Fuck. She's upset and that's crap because she was easily the best girl of the night last night and this is the WORST booting since Ben McKenzie. I can only blame her early performance slot. Crappity crap crap.
8 29 As her final song, she's chosen 'These Words' by Natasha Bedingfield again and she's recovered nicely from her disappointment and perks it up and when she sings "I love you" direct to the other contestants, I might just have teared up a little. She's singing this really well and it's an amazing performance to go out on. As soon as she's done singing she gets teary again.
Well, that sucks so very much. Kyle lost his deal with New Idea for them to pay scads of money for his wedding photos because there wasn't going to be enough celebrities so he hastily tries to invite Mathieson, G and the contestants. They all kind of look horrified at each other and then avert their eyes. Bye Brooke. Sob.
TallulahBelle out.
7 33 Brooke's disappointment is palpable as she sings 'Bette Davis Eyes' again and this fucking sucks, there is no way this girl should be in the bottom three and if she goes I will be mega pissed. Way to get me suckered into voting, you rat bastards. Mathieson throws back to whatserface as Brooke steals the microphone so we get G being a cutie pie again and rushing back to get it.
7 35 Sophie is rocking the high ponytail again as she sings 'Sweet Dreams' and she looks . . . you know, she looks kind of fed up with this whole thing already. Hitting Bottom Three two weeks in a row, that SUCKS. I want to smack the living shit out of people voting for Dimples. She's so angry she mangles her big power note but rallies and pulls the end out nicely. She tells whatserface that it wasn't too big a shock.
7 38 Oh geez, we have to listen to Thanh breathily croon his way through 'Every Breath You Take'. Go watch Robert Downey Jr again. He's very earnest and he just wants this so very much but he has to be the one to go. It would be criminal to let either of the girls go over him. The Idol sound guys give us a footy siren to let us know we can vote. Excuse me for a minute whilst I power vote for Brooke. Sorry Sophie, I can only choose one of you and Brooke was better.
7 41 Marcia says that they were all totally in their stride last night and when they're in the Bottom Three they have to go even harder and step up. Kyle says he doesn't think the worst performers are in the bottom. Dicko doesn't say anything before G throws to a break.
7 43 Brooke 19 10 10 x lots. I text message Fosse and Shaneequa who are both at rehearsals to let them know and register my astounding disgust at Brooke being there. Shaneequa replies with one word - crap - and Fosse's text is a hopeful goodbye to Thanh.
7 46 Mathieson asks Sophie why she may not be connecting with the people at home. She says she doesn't really know how to answer that, she sings her best etc. They reshow her original audition with her original song and Darren Hayes raves at her and I remember how awesome she is and man, it's hard to type with your fingers crossed. She says she'll do a Potbelleez song if she makes it to next week's Australian week theme.
7 49 Whatserface talks to Brooke and we get a recap of her previous nights performance and how AWESOME she was. Stupid voting public. Coulter asks her if she thinks her performace was up to the level of the others AND FUCK RIGHT OFF, YOU BEATLES RUINING SKANK. Get the FUCK off my show. FIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRED.
7 51 Mathieson holds back the giggles as he asks how Thanh possiby couldn't have known that the Police song is about stalking and there is much wankery about how Thanh still thinks it's a pretty pretty love song. Last night before the show Marcia gave Thanh tips on how to be a scary motherfucker. Heh. She now tells him he has one of the best voices in the comp but he needs to listen.
7 54 Chrislyn wins the Cadbury Best Performance of the night for the second week in a row.
7 55 Phil Collins listening, drumming Cadbury gorilla. STILL FUNNY.
7 58 G gets the giggles about something to do with David Lee Roth. I don't know, he's just adorable when he's flustered. Luke got recognised on the beach and laughingly notes that it was just because he was Dimples.
8 00 G talks to Tom and the fucking idiots in the audience start squealing like he's frigging Justin Timberlake. He is NOT Justin Timberlake, he's not even Joey Fatone, you fucking morons. They show the shocking night that he had and Dimples says he agrees he needs to step up. Dicko gets all Dad on a sad and weepy Dimples and this is why he needs to not be on this show, because he's just a frigging kid and that just got him a THOUSAND sympathy votes from the idiot tweens. Dicko asks him how he feels to be safe on such a poor performance and Dimples says he feels bad. Dicko reminds us all how freaking long we had to listen to Marty Simpson last season purely because someone out there found him attractive. Sickos.
8 04 Mathieson talks some more with The Messiah who is wearing a tartan hat that I just can't even . . . man . . . it deserves applause this one, it's hugely geeky and it's the first hat I have loved. They shoot the breeze about the wankery in the press recently about him having too much real life experience and blah blah. He and whatserface rap in the hallways and whilst The Messiah doesn't pull back from busting out 'motherfucker', he holds back from 'nigger'. She does not. It's random and freaking hilarious and this is the first time I've enjoyed her on the show. Gold. But still fired, obviously.
8 08 I want one of the new nano-chromatic iPods, either the pink or the red one. You wanted to know that, yeah?
8 09 La Lauper!! 'Time After Time'!! Cyndi's got an Appalachian dulcimer perched on her thighs and she is playing that bastard sweetly. She's accompanied by a dude on guitar and she croons beautifully. Her range is great and she sounds amazing, age has barely affected her voice at all. She absolutely shits all over Jordin Sparks from last week. This is great. Even better, she's wearing total stripper shoes! (But is wisely sitting down.) She gets a well deserved standing ovation from the lucky lucky bastards in the audience. G is giddy about the dulcimer and mentions she played Mardi Gras recently - see, the new Cher. She's wonderfully funny and plays up to the boys. Love. Her. Can we keep her? PLEASE?
Sidebar; Red has totally committed to seeing The House Bunny with me. She's awesome, y'all.
8 19 G gets to the first safe contestant (Brooke, Brooke, Brooke, Brooke) and it's . . . fuck. Thanh. Great, he can do his John Farnham impersonation to an actual John Farnham song on Sunday for Australian Week. Sorry Sophie, I don't want you to go, but I don't want it to be Brooke either. Ad break.
8 26 Dicko doesn't think either of the girls deserve to be there based on their performances from the night before. Mathieson reveals that Brooke is going. Fuck. She's upset and that's crap because she was easily the best girl of the night last night and this is the WORST booting since Ben McKenzie. I can only blame her early performance slot. Crappity crap crap.
8 29 As her final song, she's chosen 'These Words' by Natasha Bedingfield again and she's recovered nicely from her disappointment and perks it up and when she sings "I love you" direct to the other contestants, I might just have teared up a little. She's singing this really well and it's an amazing performance to go out on. As soon as she's done singing she gets teary again.
Well, that sucks so very much. Kyle lost his deal with New Idea for them to pay scads of money for his wedding photos because there wasn't going to be enough celebrities so he hastily tries to invite Mathieson, G and the contestants. They all kind of look horrified at each other and then avert their eyes. Bye Brooke. Sob.
TallulahBelle out.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Songs my father flogged to death**
So, my dad? He's TOTALLY one of those people who likes a song, purchases it and who plays it again and again and again. And not on his old school Sony Walkman where only he is subjected to the dulcet tones of The Manhattan Transfer harmonising their way through 'Chanson d'amour', but on the TEAC home stereo system, turned up to eleven and blasting through the living room into every corner of the house and disturbing the peaceful rest of his eldest child who may or may not have been up until the wee small hours of the a.m. watching repeats of Night Court. (It's the weeeeekend, Daaaaad, turn it doooooown, PLEASE, I'm tryyyying to sleeeeeeep. Imagine a sleepy eyed, petulant, young adult stomping through the hallways at noon in Sailor Moon pjs with severe caffeine withdrawal and an essay on Brecht and the Theatre of the Absurd due on Monday that she hasn't even started. I whinged a lot growing up. The World: And that's changed, how?) Anyway, Dad (still goes) went through periods of loving a song the way Lenny loves rabbits, he loves it and hugs it and pets it until it DIES in his arms. (Now, he plays them on his iPod. Via his iPod docking thing that he has linked to the home stereo system so it STILL pulses through the house, waking me when I'm home on my holiday and may or may not have been up until the wee small hours of the a.m. watching repeats of whatever the hell was on Foxtel at the time. Not Night Court. I wonder why they don't show that. Hmmmm.) And seeing as the majority of the Painful Death Of Songs By Dad happened during the 80's and 90's, they're almost ALL songs from the 1980's, so what better theme to use to choose better songs for the Idol's, than this one? Yay for Dad and his bloodyminded need to listen to a song a thousand times. Which he has totally passed on to me. Balls.
Oh! And before we go any further, Cyndi Lauper is my total and utter hero and new girl crush. She is awesome. She is the new black. I adore her.
Mathieson and G are beSIDE themselves that La Lauper and her squinty eyed chipmunk cheeked goodness are here to make their show a thousand times better than it normally is. They spruik her new CD Bring Ya To The Brink and gay men Australia wide quickly double check their CD collection to make sure they already have this one, she's the new Cher, y'all. For real, she was in the last season of Queer As Folk (she played a couple of numbers at the Babylon just before it was blown up by some homophobic Cyndi haters, nearly killing Michael, but allowing Brian Kinney to finally admit his love for Justin. Oh. Good times. I fucking love that show. Excuse me for an hour whilst I YouTube that episode) and she's a regular news article at AfterElton. Anyway, she's here to make sure we remember that the Goonies R good enough and that girls just want to have fun. Unless you're a girl this season, because it's a boy's season to lose.
Now I'm completely being up front and honest here (and Shaneequa will back me up) when I say that one of the songs Killed By Dad (KBD here on in) is totally John Cougar Mellencamp's 1982 hit 'Jack and Diane' (the other potential was 'R.O.C.K. in the U.S.A.' but Luke Dickens has rather made the choice for me). Now I can't 100% say that it would have been Luke I'd have given this song to but I'm going with it. Cyndi tells him he has a great rock voice and that he needs to 'take command' when he starts the song. He tells her it was 'bloody good to meetcha'. So ocker. Why am I liking him more and more? I usually HATE That Guy. It's a mystery for the ages. He still really needs to shave that damn thing on his chin. He starts off nicely and RIPS into the chorus, full throated whiskey gargle and all and then rather pointlessly jumps off the stage to . . . run around and come up the other stairs. He tilts his head as he sings my favourite line "let the bible belt come and save my soul" but he sings the next line "hold onto sixteen as long as you can" wrong, garbling the lyrics into mash. He doesn't appear to let it get to him, rocking on to the end. It's a good performance, even with the slight American twang he's singing with. Yeah, I don't get why I like him at all. But I do.
Dicko commends him on listening to Cyndi and taking command, telling him it was great work and says that up til now he maybe has felt he didn't belong, "a little sheepish" (he immediately apologises for the bad pun) but tells him he's travelling well. Marcia thinks it was outstanding to see him so comfortable and a great song choice on his part and outs (hah!) Cyndi as a cryer. She'd best be careful with the tears, she's rocking a HELL of a smoky eye, is Cyndi. La Lauper applauds and tells him he was so good and says if he wants to wear devil tshirts "it's rock and roll'. All the pointless platitudes just sound better coming out of her mouth, don't they? Kyle thinks he's borrowed one of Dicko's shirts and agrees that he's lifted, but that he should watch the tape back and lift up even more.
Cyndi fucking Lauper is on the show. Whatserface Coulter does not exist for the night. Fired.
Okay, so Cold Chisel released 'Flame Trees' in 1984 but it's the recent Sarah Blasko version that's been KBD, he played it nonfuckingstop during the two weeks in June that I was home recently. (It's actually pretty fucking awesome, go download it now. I'll wait.) Brooke Addamo could make the sweetest freaking love to that version. It's soaring, it's sweeping, it's got a great melancholic sadness to it that Brooke's voice would really suit. Plus it's damn close to a ballad, Sarah's version. Seriously, Brooke should think about doing this at some point, maybe for Australian week. I hunger for her to do this song. Actually, she needs to do that Australian week and I need to shut up because Kim Carnes' 1981 piece of brilliance, 'Bette Davis' Eyes'? What an awesome fucking song choice. Bravo Brooke. (So long as it ain't the Gwyneth Paltrow version. Urgh.) La Lauper gives Brooke great performance advice about losing herself in this sexy, sultry song and then makes her push Cyndi around, hipchecking her and getting handsy. Once she's out on stage Brooke vamps it up, adding a throaty, husky tone to her voice that suits this song perfectly. The hands across the eyes, I could do without. Never mime what you're singing, Brooke. But beautifully sung. And nice legs, missy.
Marcia tells her it's the most solid and aggressive she's seen her and that the pushing around works for her. Cyndi tells her it was great, she made it her own and that she "did good". Kyle blinks and you can see him telling himself to look at her face, not her legs, her face, her face. He says that's the first time he's gone "wow" to her. Dicko tells her she looks incredibly hot and contemporary and is slowly washing the high school performer out of her hair (and god, I keep forgetting she's only 17, she's ready for Albert Hall in comparison to Dimples). He thought she was going to be too timid for that song but it was a great performance. Mathieson pushes her around the stage and she just sparkles at him.
I know it's been done on this show before but I would love to hear Guns n Roses 1987 hit 'Sweet Child of Mine' bouncing off Madam Parker's vocal cords. Can't you just hear her swooping up the line of 'wo wo wo wooah sweet child of mii-iii-iine'? Isn't it pretty? My dad didn't kill this song, Little Brother sent this one to an early grave. He had a total boycrush on the guitarist Slash and this creepy as all fuck block mounted poster thing on his wall that looked like it wanted to glow in the dark. It was a drawing of the group and their faces were all skulls but THE EYES STILL FOLLOWED YOU AROUND THE ROOM. That thing was one of a myriad of reasons never to go into my brother's room. Oh, the reasons, they were legion and the stuff of nightmares. Madam has a flu or something and Cyndi spends most of her time teaching her excellent ways to open her throat (dirty). She's actually singing Diana Ross's 1980 hit 'Upside Down' and that's just a little obvious. Go wild, Madam, sing some Gunners!! She's still scratchy sounding and struggles to get some of the higher notes out but she's trying and still giving it her all. She also looks HOT. Curly hair is SO her. She is wearing enormous fucking hoop earrings for the second week in a row. Her and the earrings, Messiah and his hats, can you buy Idol Accessories via the Official Site? She looks like she kind of gives up by the finish and just lets it end.
Cyndi asks her how she felt and tells her it was much better than her soundcheck. She also tells her that with choosing RnB songs, she needs to strengthen her middle register more. Some actual fucking singing advice. Man, is SHE on the wrong show. Kyle thinks she looks hot too and tells her she pulled it together well for someone who couldn't speak a couple of days ago. Dicko says by her own very high standards it was a bit raggedy, but tells her she's showing a real versatility and that she's going to have a career regardless of the show. Marcia tells her how nice it is to see someone comfortable on the stage, doing her thing. Marcia, for actual critique, please speak to the Brooklyn Babe on your right.
Mark Spano looks TINY standing next to She Who Isn't On The Show Tonight At All, Thanks, Especially In That Ridiculous Yellow Thing She's Wearing, Oh My God, The Stylists Totally Hate Her Too; Fired!! Oh my sweet Current Favourite, I hate Foreigner's 'I Wanna Know What Love Is' and one of the reasons is my Dad killed it dead. Dead, dead, dead. Deader than the Eagles live concert DVD that he plays at any given time of the day from their Hell Freezes Over tour that makes me wish it would so I could ice skate down there, bring back Jeffrey Dahmer and set him to work on Don Henley. It's SO dead, it didn't even make it onto my list of songs that I would like to see you guys do. Instead, I would totally love and consider it a personal favour, if you would sing Dire Straits 'Brothers In Arms' at some point because really and truly? It would be the awesomest awesome that ever awesomed. I ain't even kidding. Mark Spano and that brilliant 1985 anthem? I . . just . . . chills, man. (Don't listen to Fosse, he's a nasty 'BiA' hater.) Mark has also not been well and Cyndi shows him some exercises and he totally needs to do that stuff to make sure he never ever hurts his cords again because I need him to sing. I do. Because next week Euph and Shaneequa are making the trek to Chez Belle to watch Idol and whilst Shaneequa scoffs at my love of The Spano, Euph is right there with me and we need our eye and ear candy. Mathieson smarms that he loves a power ballad right before Mark comes out and sweet jesus and mary chain, he gets out a shovel, digs down six feet, drags out the rotting corpse of this song and breathes life back into it. I mean, it's a very rote arrangement, it's not particularly deviating from the original but . . . I do kind of wanna show him what love is. It's just really well sung. Again. *dopey grin*
Kyle nods that it was a very nice job and Mark starts looking really red when he says that ladies at home (*waves*) would think that is the type of lover he is, yeah? Then Kyle throws his drippy self at La Lauper who now needs a long, hot, scalding shower to remove the Stank of Kyle. He calls Mark 100% believeable, tells him he owns the stage and that he'll appeal to both ladies and gents of a certain persuasion. Dicko calls him Spanner and talks about how relaxed he is backstage, at which point Spanner (stealing, totally, thanks!) pops an eyebrow a la Phil from the Amazing Race and the contest is OVER. This guy, right here? No one can shift him from my favourite position now, signed, sealed, delivered, I'm his. Dicko wants to know how hard he's pushing himself because he's unbelievably comfortable "up there" and says at his radio station the girls love him and love his voice and the gay guys love him with the sound turned down. Fosse takes umbrage at Mark's reaction to this but my besotted Mark coloured glasses don't see anything wrong. He laughs and says "as long as they vote". Marcia gets all "there are millions of women who would like to show you what love is" and I already made that joke, Brown Sugar. Cyndi gets all Brooklyn on him, talking about him being Italian. G and I TOTALLY have the same taste in men, and I point out to Shaneequa that G is so very touchy feely with Spanner. Spanner. Heeee.
Sidebar; Am I a bad person for wanting to see The House Bunny? I totally find Anna Faris hiLARious when she isn't in those awful Scary Movie movies. Or in Brokeback Mountain, 'cause she ain't going for comedy in that film. Plus . . . oh, I'm legless, I have not a leg to stand on, it's total fluff and I don't care. I still want to see it. Shut up.
Tom Williams was born in 1992. That could be an excuse for the shitty song and painful performance of Billy Joel's 'Uptown Girl' but as Shaneequa snottily points out, Westlife did a (in her words) brilliantly hilarious pisstake version of this song that he should be able to relate to. We neither of us like Dimples too much and we drift off to the kitchen because we just don't care about his time with Cyndi or his prettified and boring singing. You know what my Dad used to do a lot? Technically not the killing of a song, but he totally used to hum the theme song to Fawlty Towers a lot before and after an episode and in the 80's the ABC showed that show a lot. Or Dad had it on video. I just remember seeing that show heaps. Don't you think tonight's ep of Idol would have been much much better if instead of singing, Dimples had just come out and hummed the theme to Fawlty Towers whilst Mathieson and G re-enacted the episode where Fawlty isn't allowed to mention the war to the German tourists?
"You started it"
"No, we didn't."
"Yes, you did, you invaded Poland."
Dicko tells him he's like a nine year old boy pushed on stage by a pushy stage mum and that there was no fun in the performance, that the song should be a show stopper and "that was a speed bump". Love your work Dicko. The idiots in the live audience who must be high, boo. Idiots, shut up. Marcia, completely unsurprisingly disagrees and thinks it was one of the most mature perfs she's seen him do. Has she had her eyes closed during his other performances? The fuck? Shut up Marcia. La Lauper says he sang it well but he needs to own the stage more and she's proud of him and that he'll get it. She's been infected by Marcia! Oh good god, move her, quickly! Kyle: one word. Disaster. Oh, Dimples looks like he's going to cry. Can we let him go, PLEASE? I don't want him to cry. G doesn't touch Dimples in the slightest.
Sidebar; I harbour no interest at all in seeing Keira Knightley's stone jaw and total lack of body fat in another period film. Have we learnt nothing from Pride and Prejudice, people?
First my mother and then Kasey Chambers ruined Cyndi's own song 1983 mega hit 'True Colours' for me and this is the second song tonight that I already had on my list! Again, I don't know that I would have chosen this song for Chrislyn Hamilton but if Cyndi's down with it, I am too. Week two of the Journey! of Chrislyn as the Representative of Inner Beauty as she and Cyndi get all teary about inner beauty and just one week, I'd like us not to touch on this subject, because yes, she's a big girl but she's not hideous to look at. Dude. Shaneequa and I are thoroughly chuffed with her 80's inspired hair and makeup choices and add points to her excellent singing and arrangement. I immediately deduct points as Chrislyn does not sing "twue cowours" at any point - which my brother and I used to do ALL the time when my mother played this song, collapsing in fits of giggles. "Like a wainbow". *snort* She gets a standing ovation from a large chunk of the audience and, look, it's no 'Here's Where I Stand', the song that PoorPoorCasey sung at her semi final which is a total Fuck You song about not being physically perfect (go watch the movie Camp which features that song, and if you do not cry a little when Tiffany Taylor sings that song, you may not currently own a soul) but it was pretty good.
Marcia and her crooked wig tells Chrislyn that "she showed her true colours". Shaneequa and I both roll our eyes and chime in with variations of "you are a rainbow" (except I might have said "wainbow"). La Lauper said she initially didn't understand the interpretation and that Chrislyn held her performance back until now but that she was in it and she owned it. Chrislyn says she feels beautiful and rejuvenated. Cyndi said she would do this song bared to the bone but that the arrangement was lovely and suited her (and seriously, Cyndi acoustic is AWESOME. I know I use that word a lot, but really, look in the dictionary, there's a picture of Cyndi playing an acoustic gig next to the word Awesome. Then go find a version of 'Time After Time' that she sings with Sarah McLachlan and prepare to be floored by the brilliance.) Kyle tells her she looks great and he felt the emotion. Dicko says it was such an important song because we've seen the barnstorming Big Mama songs but we hadn't seen the tender, quiet, still Chrislyn, but she passed with flying colours. Mathieson wants to know exactly how much she shat her pants when she found out that Cyndi would be mentoring the week that she'd chosen one of her songs. Chrislyn says "lots".
Teale Jakubenko gets busted by Cyndi for being too tight (dirty) and is made to warm up his body. Shaneequa (the experienced proper singing person in the room) nods and remarks that Cyndi is serving up GOLD in the advice arena. iTunes recently afforded my father the opportunity to KBD Status Quo's 1975 song (what? It's only five years out. They'd have let Bobby Flynn sing a 1975 song in the 1980's week) 'Down Down' - which seriously, when you hear it EIGHT TIMES A DAY feels like the longest song ever written, it just goes on and on and on. The Quo deserve better. Not that Teale is necessarily going to be that, but wouldn't you like to see Teale glam rock it up, just a bit? Maybe with a little eye makeup too. He needs to cut loose, move away from the Very Proper Singing that he does and get, dare I say it, DIRTY. It's also in his range too, it's not too middle register but it's also not high enough that he can try out his falsetto which I. Am. Over. He's chosen U2's 1987 snorefest 'Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For'. He pulls total Jesus Pose whilst at the microphone, urges the audience to "come on" and then saunters over to the backing singers. It's well sung but another unremarkable performance.
Cyndi thinks it was great and he sat in every note and it sounded like that guy he likes but not like him and what? Has Teale been telling La Lauper about his infatuation with Rick Price, because dude, no. To Kyle, it was a superstar performance and says it was a great voice for a great song. Dicko says it's the biggest improvement he's seen from week to week on this show and says the confidence in the performance was brilliant. Teale says it was time for him to step up. Was I watching the wrong channel or something? He was good but DULL. Marcia tells him to remember Cyndi's advice and says the best thing about his performance was that it was over too soon. Huh? Doesn't she mean, the worst thing about his performance was that it was over too soon? What are they cutting Marcia's stash with these days? G and Mathieson come out and G doesn't touch Teale at all. He is totally Spano's bitch.
Ohhhh, you guys! The Pretenders. 1980. 'Brass In Pocket'. Sophie Paterson. Huh??! Huh!! Because also, Sophie TOTALLY has that same vaguely whiny quality in her voice that Chrissie Hynde OWNS (it's the good kind of whiny, trust me) and they both have that lazy sensuality in their tone but honestly, 'Brass In Pocket', 'Back On The Chain Gang', 'Hymn To Her' - Sophie would knock any one of those songs out of the park. Get on that, Paterson! I like it a lot more than her doing The Eurythmics 1983 song (and man, their name is hard to spell without looking up) 'Sweet Dreams'. She's adorably nervous about being in the prescence of Cyndi, who immediately picks up on Sophie's penchant for going a little flat in the higher register. They wiggle their hips and warm up. Sophie comes out with a side fringe and high ponytail that TOTALLY makes her look like Hayley from Season Two. Shaneequa notes that in two eps she's shown more personality than Hayley did in her whole season and aren't we snarky tonight?? Sophie still goes flat in the same part she did with Cyndi but she's still not doing bad. Awww, she's rehearsed arm movements with the backup singers! I'm so lame, that's so what I would do if I was on this show so I can't pick on her at all for that. She finishes really really strongly and I'd say this is the best singing she's done thus far. Also, her enunciating is much better.
Kyle didn't think she'd have the oomph to get that song out and right but she proved him wrong. Dicko was also worried due to her previous pitch problems but there weren't any this week. He calls her a blonde bombshell but hates her Pussycat Dolls shoes, saying the stripper shoes are no good. Kyle points out they're more like tranny shoes and it's the perfect segue to Marcia! She's also really chuffed about the choreography with the backup singers. Cyndi brings it back to the shoes and tells her not to wear shoes she can't dance in and gives her some podiatry advice. Mathieson recommends Hush Puppies and flirts with Sophie a bit. A lot. He's jealous of G's relationship with Spanner.
The Messiah's workshop opens with him singing "can't start a fire without a spark" and that's great because I want him to sing Dad's favourite song of 1989, Billy Joel's 'We Didn't Start The Fire' and the lyrics are VERY similar, yes? It's not really a song you can sing and yes, this is punishment for the hats, Wes Carr. Oh fine, go ahead and do your Bruce Springsteen 1984 smash hit 'Dancing In The Dark' if you must. Cyndi recognises the glory of the coming of the lord and has very little advice to give the terribly talented and well put together musician that is Wes. Shaneequa wonders who is going to be Courtney Cox about a minute before G makes a similar joke. The Messiah is wearing another hat. Oy. He also has his guitar and that's two weeks in a row they've let him use an instrument. He has a rollicking good time and is just so very very good. Final two, I'm calling it. Wes and Mark. There, done. Last time I called a correct final two this early it was Irish and Jess. I'd love to be right again. It's very well sung in his extremely great style and he's ace. Love.
Dicko nods that it was yet another brilliant performance and forgot to judge and just kicked back and enjoyed it. Dicko loves him. Marcia tells him not to ever change a thing and he's a great performer. I'd change the hats. La Lauper wants to know if he felt good about it and says the next step is writing songs and she's in absolute love with him. We all are, Cyndi! Kyle talks about the "controversy" about someone with Wes' experience being allowed in the competition - and if we aren't bitching about them having no experience and no stagecraft, we're bitching about them having too much. Shut up journalists. Kyle says if he had to invest money in someone today, Wes would be it. I'd doubleteam him with Mark and release something and . . . man, everything I type today is dirty. G is a little touchy with Wes who is too busy flirting with Cyndi and her sparkling eyes to notice.
'Wiggle It' is AWFUL. But her CD single cover is SMOKING hot. Doesn't matter because she's NOT ON THE SHOW TONIGHT. Right?
As a family, we handily destroyed Mike And The Mechanics 1988 monster 'The Living Years'. We'd pump up the radio every time that bitch came on and you'd get a five part (dis)harmony to rival anything Queen did on 'Bohemian Rhapsody'. We didn't just kill that song, we knifed it in the gut, giving it a stomach wound that took about five months to fester and slowly bleed out. Death by FamilyBelle. It's not a good or humane way to go. Roshani Priddis needs to do a slower number. Something that showcases her softer range but also gives her the opp to belt out some angt ridden lyrics about death and missed opportunities. She'd make me cry, I'm telling you that right now, it's the song for her. Cyndi doesn't talk her out of Tina Turner's 1984 hit 'What's Love Got To Do With It', telling her instead to put her own stamp on it. Roshani's dress has shiny bits on it and kind of reminds me of Tina's outfit from Mad Max Thunderdome. She sings the everloving life out of this song and it actually fits my earlier brief, as she uses her lower range to begin with and then slowly moves to the belting. I'd still like to see some angst. She doesn't give this angst. It could use angst. I'm going to stop typing angst now.
Someone yells out that they love her and Marcia gets her best line of the night telling him he needs to take a number and sit down, because yeah, we all want a Roshani of our very own. Every home should have one! Marcia gets quite animated about how fantastic she thought it was, gushing a little bit. Cyndi thought she hit her points and worked through all the steps in the song and her arrangment built. She does point out that she needs to watch her pitch in the lower register and talks about her shoes as well. Kyle agrees with the ladies but thinks she sat a little too safe and could have smashed it from start to finish. Dicko agrees that there was some trepidation about her pitch and if she'd let go like she did last week it would have better. (Dicko "the stocks are rising for the banker from Sri Lanka". Australia: Groan.) Cyndi leaps to Roshani's defence arguing that she sat into the note, sang her guts out at the end and that she had to start off soft to have it build and whaddya want, a one note sally? Love. Her. G remembers Cyndi from Wrestlemania. Oh dear.
I remember in Season Four (Year of The Irish), this happened in the first episode of the Top Twelve; "I can’t stand Richard Marx. I spent 1989 loathing his album because my sister played it nonfuckingstop and it drove me batshit crazy. I had to say that so you would understand exactly how much I did not enjoy Joseph Gatehau’s rendition of 'Right Here Waiting'. " I still hate that song. My sister just, oh, that fucking CD. I can't hear ANYTHING from that CD without flashing back to not being able to GET AWAY FROM RICHARD MARX. But! This was Joseph's first and last performance on Idol so maybe, just maybe, lightening would strike twice. Thanh Bui could oversing 'Right Here Waiting' to his little boyband heart's content and then BAM. Gone. I'd willingly sit through that for those results. Wouldn't you? Instead we have to sit through Thanh's rendition of the stalkeriffic Police song 'Every Breath You Take'. He thinks its a love song. Oh. My. God. Research your songs people, you're supposed to be musicians, JESUS. Cyndi is vaguely horrified by this. I am horrified by the Young Talent Time, Callea-lite performance in front of me and have to You Tube when Robert Downey Jr was on Ally McBeal and arranged a surprise performance of this song for her birthday and sang a verse only to reveal at the chorus that Sting was there. If you can, go watch this. It will wash away the bad taste of Thanh's version, I promise. Robert Downey Jr makes EVERYTHING better at the moment. Him or Neil Patrick Harris. Or Jensen Ackles, man, I am ALL about Jensen at the moment, he's veering dangerously close to The Clooney territory. The Ackles. Doesn't really have the same ring to it, might have to work on that. I'll do that while I watch Season 3 of Supernatural - in between the giggling and swooning. And now I've completely forgotten all about Thanh. Thank you Jensen. Oh, alright. Judges. But it can't be good.
Cyndi nervously laughs, noting "it's hard for me because I've worked with him" and then scrunches her face up so much her eyes completely freaking disappear before she asks him if he was 'there'. He was. Man, he's SO oblivious. She says it was much better - jesus, than what? She thought it was great. Oh, I'm confused, how the FUCK was that great? Was Cyndi also looking at photos of Jensen Ackles? Did someone pop a laptop in front of her and play RDJ and Sting on Ally McBeal and now she's all confused? Is Marcia sharing her stash? Kyle compliments the band and Cyndi plays with his handkerchief (not dirty in the slightest). He thinks he threw off the fake boy band veneer. Well, I didn't see that at all. Then awesomely Cyndi starts talking about practically opening a vein when you perform to be human and pushes Kyle, saying he doesn't understand because he's not an artist, "you play records, you don't make them". Dicko calls Thanh a labour of love and says we're not quite there yet. He would have liked it slowed down, it was too cheesy and doesn't know what kind of artist he's going to be; he's not direct enough for pop, not sexy enough for RnB, not cool enough for new soul. Ditch him. Him first, then Dimples. Then we'll have a show. Marcia insists that he's a work in progress (Kyle says not him, and Marcia snerks at him that he's done, he's totally perfect, and that's TWO for Brown Sugar!) and she wants Thanh to drop the veneer. Mathieson and G come out to talk to Thanh who is lovely and accepting of any criticism. He's nice. But I don't like his singing. Sorry.
Bottom three . . . should be Dimples, Thanh and Teale. I have no IDEA who it actually will be. I'd LOVE to see Dimples or Thanh go. They're the weak spots. Spanner and The Messiah as safe as houses in a really safe place, right? Yeah. Looking forward to seeing La Lauper singing 'Time After Time' and one of the T's (Tom, Teale and Thanh) going home. Are you listening Australia??
Top three . . . Spanner, The Messiah and Brooke. With a little of Sophie and Luke thrown in.
TallulahBelle Out
**Okay, so technically, Songs my father, brother, sister, mother, myself and Kasey Chambers & Australian Rugby flogged to death, but that's just not as catchy, damnit.
Oh! And before we go any further, Cyndi Lauper is my total and utter hero and new girl crush. She is awesome. She is the new black. I adore her.
Mathieson and G are beSIDE themselves that La Lauper and her squinty eyed chipmunk cheeked goodness are here to make their show a thousand times better than it normally is. They spruik her new CD Bring Ya To The Brink and gay men Australia wide quickly double check their CD collection to make sure they already have this one, she's the new Cher, y'all. For real, she was in the last season of Queer As Folk (she played a couple of numbers at the Babylon just before it was blown up by some homophobic Cyndi haters, nearly killing Michael, but allowing Brian Kinney to finally admit his love for Justin. Oh. Good times. I fucking love that show. Excuse me for an hour whilst I YouTube that episode) and she's a regular news article at AfterElton. Anyway, she's here to make sure we remember that the Goonies R good enough and that girls just want to have fun. Unless you're a girl this season, because it's a boy's season to lose.
Now I'm completely being up front and honest here (and Shaneequa will back me up) when I say that one of the songs Killed By Dad (KBD here on in) is totally John Cougar Mellencamp's 1982 hit 'Jack and Diane' (the other potential was 'R.O.C.K. in the U.S.A.' but Luke Dickens has rather made the choice for me). Now I can't 100% say that it would have been Luke I'd have given this song to but I'm going with it. Cyndi tells him he has a great rock voice and that he needs to 'take command' when he starts the song. He tells her it was 'bloody good to meetcha'. So ocker. Why am I liking him more and more? I usually HATE That Guy. It's a mystery for the ages. He still really needs to shave that damn thing on his chin. He starts off nicely and RIPS into the chorus, full throated whiskey gargle and all and then rather pointlessly jumps off the stage to . . . run around and come up the other stairs. He tilts his head as he sings my favourite line "let the bible belt come and save my soul" but he sings the next line "hold onto sixteen as long as you can" wrong, garbling the lyrics into mash. He doesn't appear to let it get to him, rocking on to the end. It's a good performance, even with the slight American twang he's singing with. Yeah, I don't get why I like him at all. But I do.
Dicko commends him on listening to Cyndi and taking command, telling him it was great work and says that up til now he maybe has felt he didn't belong, "a little sheepish" (he immediately apologises for the bad pun) but tells him he's travelling well. Marcia thinks it was outstanding to see him so comfortable and a great song choice on his part and outs (hah!) Cyndi as a cryer. She'd best be careful with the tears, she's rocking a HELL of a smoky eye, is Cyndi. La Lauper applauds and tells him he was so good and says if he wants to wear devil tshirts "it's rock and roll'. All the pointless platitudes just sound better coming out of her mouth, don't they? Kyle thinks he's borrowed one of Dicko's shirts and agrees that he's lifted, but that he should watch the tape back and lift up even more.
Cyndi fucking Lauper is on the show. Whatserface Coulter does not exist for the night. Fired.
Okay, so Cold Chisel released 'Flame Trees' in 1984 but it's the recent Sarah Blasko version that's been KBD, he played it nonfuckingstop during the two weeks in June that I was home recently. (It's actually pretty fucking awesome, go download it now. I'll wait.) Brooke Addamo could make the sweetest freaking love to that version. It's soaring, it's sweeping, it's got a great melancholic sadness to it that Brooke's voice would really suit. Plus it's damn close to a ballad, Sarah's version. Seriously, Brooke should think about doing this at some point, maybe for Australian week. I hunger for her to do this song. Actually, she needs to do that Australian week and I need to shut up because Kim Carnes' 1981 piece of brilliance, 'Bette Davis' Eyes'? What an awesome fucking song choice. Bravo Brooke. (So long as it ain't the Gwyneth Paltrow version. Urgh.) La Lauper gives Brooke great performance advice about losing herself in this sexy, sultry song and then makes her push Cyndi around, hipchecking her and getting handsy. Once she's out on stage Brooke vamps it up, adding a throaty, husky tone to her voice that suits this song perfectly. The hands across the eyes, I could do without. Never mime what you're singing, Brooke. But beautifully sung. And nice legs, missy.
Marcia tells her it's the most solid and aggressive she's seen her and that the pushing around works for her. Cyndi tells her it was great, she made it her own and that she "did good". Kyle blinks and you can see him telling himself to look at her face, not her legs, her face, her face. He says that's the first time he's gone "wow" to her. Dicko tells her she looks incredibly hot and contemporary and is slowly washing the high school performer out of her hair (and god, I keep forgetting she's only 17, she's ready for Albert Hall in comparison to Dimples). He thought she was going to be too timid for that song but it was a great performance. Mathieson pushes her around the stage and she just sparkles at him.
I know it's been done on this show before but I would love to hear Guns n Roses 1987 hit 'Sweet Child of Mine' bouncing off Madam Parker's vocal cords. Can't you just hear her swooping up the line of 'wo wo wo wooah sweet child of mii-iii-iine'? Isn't it pretty? My dad didn't kill this song, Little Brother sent this one to an early grave. He had a total boycrush on the guitarist Slash and this creepy as all fuck block mounted poster thing on his wall that looked like it wanted to glow in the dark. It was a drawing of the group and their faces were all skulls but THE EYES STILL FOLLOWED YOU AROUND THE ROOM. That thing was one of a myriad of reasons never to go into my brother's room. Oh, the reasons, they were legion and the stuff of nightmares. Madam has a flu or something and Cyndi spends most of her time teaching her excellent ways to open her throat (dirty). She's actually singing Diana Ross's 1980 hit 'Upside Down' and that's just a little obvious. Go wild, Madam, sing some Gunners!! She's still scratchy sounding and struggles to get some of the higher notes out but she's trying and still giving it her all. She also looks HOT. Curly hair is SO her. She is wearing enormous fucking hoop earrings for the second week in a row. Her and the earrings, Messiah and his hats, can you buy Idol Accessories via the Official Site? She looks like she kind of gives up by the finish and just lets it end.
Cyndi asks her how she felt and tells her it was much better than her soundcheck. She also tells her that with choosing RnB songs, she needs to strengthen her middle register more. Some actual fucking singing advice. Man, is SHE on the wrong show. Kyle thinks she looks hot too and tells her she pulled it together well for someone who couldn't speak a couple of days ago. Dicko says by her own very high standards it was a bit raggedy, but tells her she's showing a real versatility and that she's going to have a career regardless of the show. Marcia tells her how nice it is to see someone comfortable on the stage, doing her thing. Marcia, for actual critique, please speak to the Brooklyn Babe on your right.
Mark Spano looks TINY standing next to She Who Isn't On The Show Tonight At All, Thanks, Especially In That Ridiculous Yellow Thing She's Wearing, Oh My God, The Stylists Totally Hate Her Too; Fired!! Oh my sweet Current Favourite, I hate Foreigner's 'I Wanna Know What Love Is' and one of the reasons is my Dad killed it dead. Dead, dead, dead. Deader than the Eagles live concert DVD that he plays at any given time of the day from their Hell Freezes Over tour that makes me wish it would so I could ice skate down there, bring back Jeffrey Dahmer and set him to work on Don Henley. It's SO dead, it didn't even make it onto my list of songs that I would like to see you guys do. Instead, I would totally love and consider it a personal favour, if you would sing Dire Straits 'Brothers In Arms' at some point because really and truly? It would be the awesomest awesome that ever awesomed. I ain't even kidding. Mark Spano and that brilliant 1985 anthem? I . . just . . . chills, man. (Don't listen to Fosse, he's a nasty 'BiA' hater.) Mark has also not been well and Cyndi shows him some exercises and he totally needs to do that stuff to make sure he never ever hurts his cords again because I need him to sing. I do. Because next week Euph and Shaneequa are making the trek to Chez Belle to watch Idol and whilst Shaneequa scoffs at my love of The Spano, Euph is right there with me and we need our eye and ear candy. Mathieson smarms that he loves a power ballad right before Mark comes out and sweet jesus and mary chain, he gets out a shovel, digs down six feet, drags out the rotting corpse of this song and breathes life back into it. I mean, it's a very rote arrangement, it's not particularly deviating from the original but . . . I do kind of wanna show him what love is. It's just really well sung. Again. *dopey grin*
Kyle nods that it was a very nice job and Mark starts looking really red when he says that ladies at home (*waves*) would think that is the type of lover he is, yeah? Then Kyle throws his drippy self at La Lauper who now needs a long, hot, scalding shower to remove the Stank of Kyle. He calls Mark 100% believeable, tells him he owns the stage and that he'll appeal to both ladies and gents of a certain persuasion. Dicko calls him Spanner and talks about how relaxed he is backstage, at which point Spanner (stealing, totally, thanks!) pops an eyebrow a la Phil from the Amazing Race and the contest is OVER. This guy, right here? No one can shift him from my favourite position now, signed, sealed, delivered, I'm his. Dicko wants to know how hard he's pushing himself because he's unbelievably comfortable "up there" and says at his radio station the girls love him and love his voice and the gay guys love him with the sound turned down. Fosse takes umbrage at Mark's reaction to this but my besotted Mark coloured glasses don't see anything wrong. He laughs and says "as long as they vote". Marcia gets all "there are millions of women who would like to show you what love is" and I already made that joke, Brown Sugar. Cyndi gets all Brooklyn on him, talking about him being Italian. G and I TOTALLY have the same taste in men, and I point out to Shaneequa that G is so very touchy feely with Spanner. Spanner. Heeee.
Sidebar; Am I a bad person for wanting to see The House Bunny? I totally find Anna Faris hiLARious when she isn't in those awful Scary Movie movies. Or in Brokeback Mountain, 'cause she ain't going for comedy in that film. Plus . . . oh, I'm legless, I have not a leg to stand on, it's total fluff and I don't care. I still want to see it. Shut up.
Tom Williams was born in 1992. That could be an excuse for the shitty song and painful performance of Billy Joel's 'Uptown Girl' but as Shaneequa snottily points out, Westlife did a (in her words) brilliantly hilarious pisstake version of this song that he should be able to relate to. We neither of us like Dimples too much and we drift off to the kitchen because we just don't care about his time with Cyndi or his prettified and boring singing. You know what my Dad used to do a lot? Technically not the killing of a song, but he totally used to hum the theme song to Fawlty Towers a lot before and after an episode and in the 80's the ABC showed that show a lot. Or Dad had it on video. I just remember seeing that show heaps. Don't you think tonight's ep of Idol would have been much much better if instead of singing, Dimples had just come out and hummed the theme to Fawlty Towers whilst Mathieson and G re-enacted the episode where Fawlty isn't allowed to mention the war to the German tourists?
"You started it"
"No, we didn't."
"Yes, you did, you invaded Poland."
Dicko tells him he's like a nine year old boy pushed on stage by a pushy stage mum and that there was no fun in the performance, that the song should be a show stopper and "that was a speed bump". Love your work Dicko. The idiots in the live audience who must be high, boo. Idiots, shut up. Marcia, completely unsurprisingly disagrees and thinks it was one of the most mature perfs she's seen him do. Has she had her eyes closed during his other performances? The fuck? Shut up Marcia. La Lauper says he sang it well but he needs to own the stage more and she's proud of him and that he'll get it. She's been infected by Marcia! Oh good god, move her, quickly! Kyle: one word. Disaster. Oh, Dimples looks like he's going to cry. Can we let him go, PLEASE? I don't want him to cry. G doesn't touch Dimples in the slightest.
Sidebar; I harbour no interest at all in seeing Keira Knightley's stone jaw and total lack of body fat in another period film. Have we learnt nothing from Pride and Prejudice, people?
First my mother and then Kasey Chambers ruined Cyndi's own song 1983 mega hit 'True Colours' for me and this is the second song tonight that I already had on my list! Again, I don't know that I would have chosen this song for Chrislyn Hamilton but if Cyndi's down with it, I am too. Week two of the Journey! of Chrislyn as the Representative of Inner Beauty as she and Cyndi get all teary about inner beauty and just one week, I'd like us not to touch on this subject, because yes, she's a big girl but she's not hideous to look at. Dude. Shaneequa and I are thoroughly chuffed with her 80's inspired hair and makeup choices and add points to her excellent singing and arrangement. I immediately deduct points as Chrislyn does not sing "twue cowours" at any point - which my brother and I used to do ALL the time when my mother played this song, collapsing in fits of giggles. "Like a wainbow". *snort* She gets a standing ovation from a large chunk of the audience and, look, it's no 'Here's Where I Stand', the song that PoorPoorCasey sung at her semi final which is a total Fuck You song about not being physically perfect (go watch the movie Camp which features that song, and if you do not cry a little when Tiffany Taylor sings that song, you may not currently own a soul) but it was pretty good.
Marcia and her crooked wig tells Chrislyn that "she showed her true colours". Shaneequa and I both roll our eyes and chime in with variations of "you are a rainbow" (except I might have said "wainbow"). La Lauper said she initially didn't understand the interpretation and that Chrislyn held her performance back until now but that she was in it and she owned it. Chrislyn says she feels beautiful and rejuvenated. Cyndi said she would do this song bared to the bone but that the arrangement was lovely and suited her (and seriously, Cyndi acoustic is AWESOME. I know I use that word a lot, but really, look in the dictionary, there's a picture of Cyndi playing an acoustic gig next to the word Awesome. Then go find a version of 'Time After Time' that she sings with Sarah McLachlan and prepare to be floored by the brilliance.) Kyle tells her she looks great and he felt the emotion. Dicko says it was such an important song because we've seen the barnstorming Big Mama songs but we hadn't seen the tender, quiet, still Chrislyn, but she passed with flying colours. Mathieson wants to know exactly how much she shat her pants when she found out that Cyndi would be mentoring the week that she'd chosen one of her songs. Chrislyn says "lots".
Teale Jakubenko gets busted by Cyndi for being too tight (dirty) and is made to warm up his body. Shaneequa (the experienced proper singing person in the room) nods and remarks that Cyndi is serving up GOLD in the advice arena. iTunes recently afforded my father the opportunity to KBD Status Quo's 1975 song (what? It's only five years out. They'd have let Bobby Flynn sing a 1975 song in the 1980's week) 'Down Down' - which seriously, when you hear it EIGHT TIMES A DAY feels like the longest song ever written, it just goes on and on and on. The Quo deserve better. Not that Teale is necessarily going to be that, but wouldn't you like to see Teale glam rock it up, just a bit? Maybe with a little eye makeup too. He needs to cut loose, move away from the Very Proper Singing that he does and get, dare I say it, DIRTY. It's also in his range too, it's not too middle register but it's also not high enough that he can try out his falsetto which I. Am. Over. He's chosen U2's 1987 snorefest 'Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For'. He pulls total Jesus Pose whilst at the microphone, urges the audience to "come on" and then saunters over to the backing singers. It's well sung but another unremarkable performance.
Cyndi thinks it was great and he sat in every note and it sounded like that guy he likes but not like him and what? Has Teale been telling La Lauper about his infatuation with Rick Price, because dude, no. To Kyle, it was a superstar performance and says it was a great voice for a great song. Dicko says it's the biggest improvement he's seen from week to week on this show and says the confidence in the performance was brilliant. Teale says it was time for him to step up. Was I watching the wrong channel or something? He was good but DULL. Marcia tells him to remember Cyndi's advice and says the best thing about his performance was that it was over too soon. Huh? Doesn't she mean, the worst thing about his performance was that it was over too soon? What are they cutting Marcia's stash with these days? G and Mathieson come out and G doesn't touch Teale at all. He is totally Spano's bitch.
Ohhhh, you guys! The Pretenders. 1980. 'Brass In Pocket'. Sophie Paterson. Huh??! Huh!! Because also, Sophie TOTALLY has that same vaguely whiny quality in her voice that Chrissie Hynde OWNS (it's the good kind of whiny, trust me) and they both have that lazy sensuality in their tone but honestly, 'Brass In Pocket', 'Back On The Chain Gang', 'Hymn To Her' - Sophie would knock any one of those songs out of the park. Get on that, Paterson! I like it a lot more than her doing The Eurythmics 1983 song (and man, their name is hard to spell without looking up) 'Sweet Dreams'. She's adorably nervous about being in the prescence of Cyndi, who immediately picks up on Sophie's penchant for going a little flat in the higher register. They wiggle their hips and warm up. Sophie comes out with a side fringe and high ponytail that TOTALLY makes her look like Hayley from Season Two. Shaneequa notes that in two eps she's shown more personality than Hayley did in her whole season and aren't we snarky tonight?? Sophie still goes flat in the same part she did with Cyndi but she's still not doing bad. Awww, she's rehearsed arm movements with the backup singers! I'm so lame, that's so what I would do if I was on this show so I can't pick on her at all for that. She finishes really really strongly and I'd say this is the best singing she's done thus far. Also, her enunciating is much better.
Kyle didn't think she'd have the oomph to get that song out and right but she proved him wrong. Dicko was also worried due to her previous pitch problems but there weren't any this week. He calls her a blonde bombshell but hates her Pussycat Dolls shoes, saying the stripper shoes are no good. Kyle points out they're more like tranny shoes and it's the perfect segue to Marcia! She's also really chuffed about the choreography with the backup singers. Cyndi brings it back to the shoes and tells her not to wear shoes she can't dance in and gives her some podiatry advice. Mathieson recommends Hush Puppies and flirts with Sophie a bit. A lot. He's jealous of G's relationship with Spanner.
The Messiah's workshop opens with him singing "can't start a fire without a spark" and that's great because I want him to sing Dad's favourite song of 1989, Billy Joel's 'We Didn't Start The Fire' and the lyrics are VERY similar, yes? It's not really a song you can sing and yes, this is punishment for the hats, Wes Carr. Oh fine, go ahead and do your Bruce Springsteen 1984 smash hit 'Dancing In The Dark' if you must. Cyndi recognises the glory of the coming of the lord and has very little advice to give the terribly talented and well put together musician that is Wes. Shaneequa wonders who is going to be Courtney Cox about a minute before G makes a similar joke. The Messiah is wearing another hat. Oy. He also has his guitar and that's two weeks in a row they've let him use an instrument. He has a rollicking good time and is just so very very good. Final two, I'm calling it. Wes and Mark. There, done. Last time I called a correct final two this early it was Irish and Jess. I'd love to be right again. It's very well sung in his extremely great style and he's ace. Love.
Dicko nods that it was yet another brilliant performance and forgot to judge and just kicked back and enjoyed it. Dicko loves him. Marcia tells him not to ever change a thing and he's a great performer. I'd change the hats. La Lauper wants to know if he felt good about it and says the next step is writing songs and she's in absolute love with him. We all are, Cyndi! Kyle talks about the "controversy" about someone with Wes' experience being allowed in the competition - and if we aren't bitching about them having no experience and no stagecraft, we're bitching about them having too much. Shut up journalists. Kyle says if he had to invest money in someone today, Wes would be it. I'd doubleteam him with Mark and release something and . . . man, everything I type today is dirty. G is a little touchy with Wes who is too busy flirting with Cyndi and her sparkling eyes to notice.
'Wiggle It' is AWFUL. But her CD single cover is SMOKING hot. Doesn't matter because she's NOT ON THE SHOW TONIGHT. Right?
As a family, we handily destroyed Mike And The Mechanics 1988 monster 'The Living Years'. We'd pump up the radio every time that bitch came on and you'd get a five part (dis)harmony to rival anything Queen did on 'Bohemian Rhapsody'. We didn't just kill that song, we knifed it in the gut, giving it a stomach wound that took about five months to fester and slowly bleed out. Death by FamilyBelle. It's not a good or humane way to go. Roshani Priddis needs to do a slower number. Something that showcases her softer range but also gives her the opp to belt out some angt ridden lyrics about death and missed opportunities. She'd make me cry, I'm telling you that right now, it's the song for her. Cyndi doesn't talk her out of Tina Turner's 1984 hit 'What's Love Got To Do With It', telling her instead to put her own stamp on it. Roshani's dress has shiny bits on it and kind of reminds me of Tina's outfit from Mad Max Thunderdome. She sings the everloving life out of this song and it actually fits my earlier brief, as she uses her lower range to begin with and then slowly moves to the belting. I'd still like to see some angst. She doesn't give this angst. It could use angst. I'm going to stop typing angst now.
Someone yells out that they love her and Marcia gets her best line of the night telling him he needs to take a number and sit down, because yeah, we all want a Roshani of our very own. Every home should have one! Marcia gets quite animated about how fantastic she thought it was, gushing a little bit. Cyndi thought she hit her points and worked through all the steps in the song and her arrangment built. She does point out that she needs to watch her pitch in the lower register and talks about her shoes as well. Kyle agrees with the ladies but thinks she sat a little too safe and could have smashed it from start to finish. Dicko agrees that there was some trepidation about her pitch and if she'd let go like she did last week it would have better. (Dicko "the stocks are rising for the banker from Sri Lanka". Australia: Groan.) Cyndi leaps to Roshani's defence arguing that she sat into the note, sang her guts out at the end and that she had to start off soft to have it build and whaddya want, a one note sally? Love. Her. G remembers Cyndi from Wrestlemania. Oh dear.
I remember in Season Four (Year of The Irish), this happened in the first episode of the Top Twelve; "I can’t stand Richard Marx. I spent 1989 loathing his album because my sister played it nonfuckingstop and it drove me batshit crazy. I had to say that so you would understand exactly how much I did not enjoy Joseph Gatehau’s rendition of 'Right Here Waiting'. " I still hate that song. My sister just, oh, that fucking CD. I can't hear ANYTHING from that CD without flashing back to not being able to GET AWAY FROM RICHARD MARX. But! This was Joseph's first and last performance on Idol so maybe, just maybe, lightening would strike twice. Thanh Bui could oversing 'Right Here Waiting' to his little boyband heart's content and then BAM. Gone. I'd willingly sit through that for those results. Wouldn't you? Instead we have to sit through Thanh's rendition of the stalkeriffic Police song 'Every Breath You Take'. He thinks its a love song. Oh. My. God. Research your songs people, you're supposed to be musicians, JESUS. Cyndi is vaguely horrified by this. I am horrified by the Young Talent Time, Callea-lite performance in front of me and have to You Tube when Robert Downey Jr was on Ally McBeal and arranged a surprise performance of this song for her birthday and sang a verse only to reveal at the chorus that Sting was there. If you can, go watch this. It will wash away the bad taste of Thanh's version, I promise. Robert Downey Jr makes EVERYTHING better at the moment. Him or Neil Patrick Harris. Or Jensen Ackles, man, I am ALL about Jensen at the moment, he's veering dangerously close to The Clooney territory. The Ackles. Doesn't really have the same ring to it, might have to work on that. I'll do that while I watch Season 3 of Supernatural - in between the giggling and swooning. And now I've completely forgotten all about Thanh. Thank you Jensen. Oh, alright. Judges. But it can't be good.
Cyndi nervously laughs, noting "it's hard for me because I've worked with him" and then scrunches her face up so much her eyes completely freaking disappear before she asks him if he was 'there'. He was. Man, he's SO oblivious. She says it was much better - jesus, than what? She thought it was great. Oh, I'm confused, how the FUCK was that great? Was Cyndi also looking at photos of Jensen Ackles? Did someone pop a laptop in front of her and play RDJ and Sting on Ally McBeal and now she's all confused? Is Marcia sharing her stash? Kyle compliments the band and Cyndi plays with his handkerchief (not dirty in the slightest). He thinks he threw off the fake boy band veneer. Well, I didn't see that at all. Then awesomely Cyndi starts talking about practically opening a vein when you perform to be human and pushes Kyle, saying he doesn't understand because he's not an artist, "you play records, you don't make them". Dicko calls Thanh a labour of love and says we're not quite there yet. He would have liked it slowed down, it was too cheesy and doesn't know what kind of artist he's going to be; he's not direct enough for pop, not sexy enough for RnB, not cool enough for new soul. Ditch him. Him first, then Dimples. Then we'll have a show. Marcia insists that he's a work in progress (Kyle says not him, and Marcia snerks at him that he's done, he's totally perfect, and that's TWO for Brown Sugar!) and she wants Thanh to drop the veneer. Mathieson and G come out to talk to Thanh who is lovely and accepting of any criticism. He's nice. But I don't like his singing. Sorry.
Bottom three . . . should be Dimples, Thanh and Teale. I have no IDEA who it actually will be. I'd LOVE to see Dimples or Thanh go. They're the weak spots. Spanner and The Messiah as safe as houses in a really safe place, right? Yeah. Looking forward to seeing La Lauper singing 'Time After Time' and one of the T's (Tom, Teale and Thanh) going home. Are you listening Australia??
Top three . . . Spanner, The Messiah and Brooke. With a little of Sophie and Luke thrown in.
TallulahBelle Out
**Okay, so technically, Songs my father, brother, sister, mother, myself and Kasey Chambers & Australian Rugby flogged to death, but that's just not as catchy, damnit.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Liveblogging; Twelve to Eleven.
7.32 No screwing about kids, straight into it. From his handy little Bottom Three card, G calls forward a not terribly surprised Jonny Taylor, Mathieson gives us Sophie Paterson and G rounds out the trio by reading out Teale Jakubenko's name.
7.34 Jonny sings Pearl Jam again. He does practically the whole thing with his eyes closed and his hand on his stomach likes he's about to puke - but keeping his eyes closed is obviously working because he sounds HEAPS better than he did last night. He still has zero stagecraft and doesn't move from the spot he's chosen. He tells G he knew he'd be there and that it's a totally different ballgame to what he does. G punishes him further by sending him back to whatserface where he's a little emotional and she emotes right back at him.
7.37 Sophie gives us the Counting Crows again and I am PISSED she's bottom three and FYI, I understand every bloody word she sings so she's kicking that enunciation thing. She looks straight down the barrel of the camera as she sings "Mister Jones and me, we're going to be big stars". And she's ticked too, man.
7.39 As G runs madly backstage to grab a microphone (and with an ADORABLE smile to the viewers at home), Sophie tells whatserface that she's actually glad she got to do that song again and there is no resting on anyone's laurels as Coulter shoots us straight back to the boys who introduce Teale.
7.40 I don't enjoy his falsetto.
7.41 Really don't enjoy it, that last note SUCKS, he doesn't slide into it effortlessly, he kind of jumps from one note to the other and it's graceless. G mentions something that happened in the press or something and what have I missed? Backstage with whatserface he admits to just trying to enjoy it and relax. She reads jerkily from the autocue.
7.43 Dicko says by and large the public got it right. Kyle says two of them got the second chance right and the third knows who fucked up. The boys will have NONE of that and howl him down, G mockingly noting the 'inspirational words from Sandilands' and Mathieson stuttering that he doesn't know who Kyle's talking about. Man, they hate him. Wait until he calls someone under the age of 21 fat and just watch G's head explode. Marcia thinks last nights show was the best they've had since the very first ep (awww, remember Cosima's sexy performance of 'Hot Stuff'? I think that was when she first grabbed my attention) and G and I kind of agree with her.
7.49 Jonny calls himself a fish out of water in this comp and discusses the disconnect he feels and the boys obviously like him because in previous seasons they have stomped on the throats of contestants who have said that they can't handle that Idol's a covers show, like it was something they didn't know when they auditioned (Matt Corby). In Jonny's interview he says he's on a different level to the others and I think he means that in a totally not up himself way but he's TOTALLY using the wrong words there. He describes himself as dark and comfortable.
7.52 Dicko doesn't want Jonny to compromise who he is but still wants him to the best he can possibly be. He thinks this will be a wake up call and that this process will make him a better performer but dude, he's gone, yeah? He won't be around past tonight and I won't have to bust out his SquarePeg nick. Right? For real, it's totally going to be Jonny.
7.53 Sophie drew the short straw and ended up with whatserface's robotic style of presenting. She asks if she's going to cry like a little girl because she got the audience Wildcard vote and then hit bottom three first up. (fired) Sophie does not smack Coulter upside the head. She instead grits her teeth and admits to being a bit disappointed and then kind of smiles and says 'yeah' like a stoner and promises to do better next time. Is whatserface losing her voice? Because that would be ace.
7.54 Mathieson reminds the audience there is only five minutes left to vote, then makes fun of Teale for picking a Rick frigging Price song. Teale loves Rick, loves his stuff and Mathieson gently reminds him that whilst you have to stay true to yourself, don't you think it's kind of fucking dorky to do a Rick frigging Price song? Only he's a little more diplomatic than that.
7.56 G outs Madam Parker as a Jordin Sparks stalker and that's totally cool because Jordin has an AMAZING voice. Chrislyn's performance of 'Think' got nominated as the Best Idol Moment from last night. Really? Over Mark Spano sexxing up the stage? Okay.
8.01 Mathieson says voting lines are closed and in about twenty minutes we'll get the results. G seques us into Idol HQ and is Mark totally baked or what? He doesn't know what floor they're on. Roshani Priddis shows us the kitchen, Sophie shows us Dimple's bedroom and the stupid tweens scream their fool heads off. Luke Dickens is excited about the lift. Mark is in boardies and is in the pool with The Messiah (who doesn't wear a hat when he swims, good to see) who quickly avoids the cameras, unfortunately they don't avoid poor Mark's slight belly which looks bigger than it is because of the ride of his swimgear. He's humourously horrified but laughs it off. I LOVE him.
8.05 Filler about Roshani and the weird stuff she does getting ready for the show and man, Coulter looks like a freaking GIANT next to her. They show Thanh Bui's performance again and what did we do to you to have that foist upon us again? This is more Thanh than any of us signed up for.
8.07 Filler. Dicko breaking down the difference for Thanh between taking a pop/rock song and turning it into a pop/rnb number that Justin Timberlake wouldn't have touched with a ten foot barge pole FIVE YEARS ago, let alone today. Your arrangment was old, it was lame and it was pimped out like Snoop Dog's ride, kid.
8.10 Filler about the bullshit touchdown, but awesomely Chrislyn Hamilton swearing on national television and promising to go all Celebrity FitClub with Kyle.
8.12 The Mazda ad and The Messiah wearing a stupid hat. I totally need a macro for that. Sophie can't whistle. Sir Denis actually makes an appearance for the first time ever. Ronald McDonald Charity Ball, Wes in a stupid hat, the Top Twelve kicking 'Can You Feel It'.
8.14 Coulter's touching Jordin Sparks. No touch-y!
8.18 Jordin sings 'No Air'. Huh. Maybe it's the Idol mikes or something or maybe she's just been touring so long and her voice is a little scratchy because she doesn't sound as brilliant as I would have thought. She has some nice notes but she's straining to hit them. And lady is smokin' hot and hey, she's doing AusIdol, that's nice - it's not like we ever got Kelly Clarkson here. Although if we did, I'd have an excited freakout 'cause that lady got PIPES.
8.23 G mistakenly tells Jordin she was in the bottom three in the US version. She giggles and says nu-uh and she's helpless in the face of the G. Mathieson wants a bit of the action and says "as if this bird would ever be in the bottom three" and gets all ocker about where she's going to store her block mounted Platinum Record thingy and she's girlishly confused. It's hellishly cute.
8.29 G goes through everything the judges said last night. Blergh. FILL. ER. First safe person is Sophie. Excellent. I'm okay with either of the guys going but I'd prefer to keep Jonny and ditch Teale, but my mama didn't raise no fool and SURELY Jonny will be going. The boys what? They throw to a break? Bastards!!
Sidebar; The Lynx chocolate man ad freaks me the fuck out. Although the idea of a boyfriend who tastes like chocolate and can be used as a quick midnight snack where you don't have to get out of bed appeals in theory, in practice it gives me the wiggins.
8.35 Come on guys, I'm missing the start of the last episode of Project Runway Australia. Mathieson babbles about how each week one person will have to go and that's just the way it has to be and we know that. NO! Don't throw to the judges, just tell us. Come on. Who is it?
8.38 First person out is . . . Jonny Taylor (and I totally typed his name before Mathieson read it out because this WAS NO SURPRISE). Teale is emotional about still being in. I have to say that I think Jonny is totally okay with going. He gives props to the eleven left. Mathieson puts on his Journey! face and tells Jonny he's special too.
(Wow. I picked it in last night's recap. I NEVER do that.)
8.40 Awesome! Jonny gets to perform again but BRILLIANTLY he doesn't have to do the song that got him ousted - he can do anything he wants! He kicks a bit of Marvin Gaye and gives us 'Heard It Through The Grapevine' and it's okay. He just so relieved to be done, I think. Bye Jonny!
8.44 Next week is the much rumoured Cyndi Lauper mentored 80's night and G is practically GIDDY about the idea of seeing Cyndi Lauper singing live. He's so adorable.
TallulahBelle out.
7.34 Jonny sings Pearl Jam again. He does practically the whole thing with his eyes closed and his hand on his stomach likes he's about to puke - but keeping his eyes closed is obviously working because he sounds HEAPS better than he did last night. He still has zero stagecraft and doesn't move from the spot he's chosen. He tells G he knew he'd be there and that it's a totally different ballgame to what he does. G punishes him further by sending him back to whatserface where he's a little emotional and she emotes right back at him.
7.37 Sophie gives us the Counting Crows again and I am PISSED she's bottom three and FYI, I understand every bloody word she sings so she's kicking that enunciation thing. She looks straight down the barrel of the camera as she sings "Mister Jones and me, we're going to be big stars". And she's ticked too, man.
7.39 As G runs madly backstage to grab a microphone (and with an ADORABLE smile to the viewers at home), Sophie tells whatserface that she's actually glad she got to do that song again and there is no resting on anyone's laurels as Coulter shoots us straight back to the boys who introduce Teale.
7.40 I don't enjoy his falsetto.
7.41 Really don't enjoy it, that last note SUCKS, he doesn't slide into it effortlessly, he kind of jumps from one note to the other and it's graceless. G mentions something that happened in the press or something and what have I missed? Backstage with whatserface he admits to just trying to enjoy it and relax. She reads jerkily from the autocue.
7.43 Dicko says by and large the public got it right. Kyle says two of them got the second chance right and the third knows who fucked up. The boys will have NONE of that and howl him down, G mockingly noting the 'inspirational words from Sandilands' and Mathieson stuttering that he doesn't know who Kyle's talking about. Man, they hate him. Wait until he calls someone under the age of 21 fat and just watch G's head explode. Marcia thinks last nights show was the best they've had since the very first ep (awww, remember Cosima's sexy performance of 'Hot Stuff'? I think that was when she first grabbed my attention) and G and I kind of agree with her.
7.49 Jonny calls himself a fish out of water in this comp and discusses the disconnect he feels and the boys obviously like him because in previous seasons they have stomped on the throats of contestants who have said that they can't handle that Idol's a covers show, like it was something they didn't know when they auditioned (Matt Corby). In Jonny's interview he says he's on a different level to the others and I think he means that in a totally not up himself way but he's TOTALLY using the wrong words there. He describes himself as dark and comfortable.
7.52 Dicko doesn't want Jonny to compromise who he is but still wants him to the best he can possibly be. He thinks this will be a wake up call and that this process will make him a better performer but dude, he's gone, yeah? He won't be around past tonight and I won't have to bust out his SquarePeg nick. Right? For real, it's totally going to be Jonny.
7.53 Sophie drew the short straw and ended up with whatserface's robotic style of presenting. She asks if she's going to cry like a little girl because she got the audience Wildcard vote and then hit bottom three first up. (fired) Sophie does not smack Coulter upside the head. She instead grits her teeth and admits to being a bit disappointed and then kind of smiles and says 'yeah' like a stoner and promises to do better next time. Is whatserface losing her voice? Because that would be ace.
7.54 Mathieson reminds the audience there is only five minutes left to vote, then makes fun of Teale for picking a Rick frigging Price song. Teale loves Rick, loves his stuff and Mathieson gently reminds him that whilst you have to stay true to yourself, don't you think it's kind of fucking dorky to do a Rick frigging Price song? Only he's a little more diplomatic than that.
7.56 G outs Madam Parker as a Jordin Sparks stalker and that's totally cool because Jordin has an AMAZING voice. Chrislyn's performance of 'Think' got nominated as the Best Idol Moment from last night. Really? Over Mark Spano sexxing up the stage? Okay.
8.01 Mathieson says voting lines are closed and in about twenty minutes we'll get the results. G seques us into Idol HQ and is Mark totally baked or what? He doesn't know what floor they're on. Roshani Priddis shows us the kitchen, Sophie shows us Dimple's bedroom and the stupid tweens scream their fool heads off. Luke Dickens is excited about the lift. Mark is in boardies and is in the pool with The Messiah (who doesn't wear a hat when he swims, good to see) who quickly avoids the cameras, unfortunately they don't avoid poor Mark's slight belly which looks bigger than it is because of the ride of his swimgear. He's humourously horrified but laughs it off. I LOVE him.
8.05 Filler about Roshani and the weird stuff she does getting ready for the show and man, Coulter looks like a freaking GIANT next to her. They show Thanh Bui's performance again and what did we do to you to have that foist upon us again? This is more Thanh than any of us signed up for.
8.07 Filler. Dicko breaking down the difference for Thanh between taking a pop/rock song and turning it into a pop/rnb number that Justin Timberlake wouldn't have touched with a ten foot barge pole FIVE YEARS ago, let alone today. Your arrangment was old, it was lame and it was pimped out like Snoop Dog's ride, kid.
8.10 Filler about the bullshit touchdown, but awesomely Chrislyn Hamilton swearing on national television and promising to go all Celebrity FitClub with Kyle.
8.12 The Mazda ad and The Messiah wearing a stupid hat. I totally need a macro for that. Sophie can't whistle. Sir Denis actually makes an appearance for the first time ever. Ronald McDonald Charity Ball, Wes in a stupid hat, the Top Twelve kicking 'Can You Feel It'.
8.14 Coulter's touching Jordin Sparks. No touch-y!
8.18 Jordin sings 'No Air'. Huh. Maybe it's the Idol mikes or something or maybe she's just been touring so long and her voice is a little scratchy because she doesn't sound as brilliant as I would have thought. She has some nice notes but she's straining to hit them. And lady is smokin' hot and hey, she's doing AusIdol, that's nice - it's not like we ever got Kelly Clarkson here. Although if we did, I'd have an excited freakout 'cause that lady got PIPES.
8.23 G mistakenly tells Jordin she was in the bottom three in the US version. She giggles and says nu-uh and she's helpless in the face of the G. Mathieson wants a bit of the action and says "as if this bird would ever be in the bottom three" and gets all ocker about where she's going to store her block mounted Platinum Record thingy and she's girlishly confused. It's hellishly cute.
8.29 G goes through everything the judges said last night. Blergh. FILL. ER. First safe person is Sophie. Excellent. I'm okay with either of the guys going but I'd prefer to keep Jonny and ditch Teale, but my mama didn't raise no fool and SURELY Jonny will be going. The boys what? They throw to a break? Bastards!!
Sidebar; The Lynx chocolate man ad freaks me the fuck out. Although the idea of a boyfriend who tastes like chocolate and can be used as a quick midnight snack where you don't have to get out of bed appeals in theory, in practice it gives me the wiggins.
8.35 Come on guys, I'm missing the start of the last episode of Project Runway Australia. Mathieson babbles about how each week one person will have to go and that's just the way it has to be and we know that. NO! Don't throw to the judges, just tell us. Come on. Who is it?
8.38 First person out is . . . Jonny Taylor (and I totally typed his name before Mathieson read it out because this WAS NO SURPRISE). Teale is emotional about still being in. I have to say that I think Jonny is totally okay with going. He gives props to the eleven left. Mathieson puts on his Journey! face and tells Jonny he's special too.
(Wow. I picked it in last night's recap. I NEVER do that.)
8.40 Awesome! Jonny gets to perform again but BRILLIANTLY he doesn't have to do the song that got him ousted - he can do anything he wants! He kicks a bit of Marvin Gaye and gives us 'Heard It Through The Grapevine' and it's okay. He just so relieved to be done, I think. Bye Jonny!
8.44 Next week is the much rumoured Cyndi Lauper mentored 80's night and G is practically GIDDY about the idea of seeing Cyndi Lauper singing live. He's so adorable.
TallulahBelle out.
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