Cheaper by the Dozen

Here we go kids, get your hate on, it’s my favourite time of the year, it's TallulahBelle’s Christmas, Chanukah and Ramadan all rolled into one brilliant mess, it's two sixpacks, it's twelve drummers drumming, it's the dirty dozen - IT’S TOP TWELVE, BABY!!

We are given a swooping birds eye view of the New and Improved ™ set, which vaguely resembles the Countdown set circa 1983. The lovely Eupholoofo drops into Chez Belle simply to remark that it looks like a shopping mall and there’s a talent show going on in the downstairs foodcourt. I think it looks like a fire hazard and also a little rickety. Our concern for the dwellers on the top floor of the scaffolding turns to hilarity when we notice that the girls who drove down from QLD to support Klancie Keough, have nonetheless managed to spell her name completely incorrectly. Kudo’s to them, however, for resisting the urge to run their hands up and down G’s arms – he is wearing a plush, red velvet coat – and I would totally get served with a restraining order if he wore that thing around me. Our first look at the Idol’s prior to their performance, shows us that Lavina Williams (who is bravely soldiering on in the face of media coverage of an alleged incident regarding maryjane-d baked goods – marijuana muffins, baked goods to get you baked! Lavina, if you want to use that slogan for the ad campaign, call me!!) has tragically opted to wear a jaunty hat with absolutely no indication that she is doing it ironically, Huggy Bear style.

(I sidebar to advise I will not be discussing at any length the latest appalling attempt by Idol to Get Your Money Any Way They Can – 199 JUDGE. I quite simply refuse. To discuss would lend credence.)

Dean “Mainland Cheddar” Geyer is up first and is crooning Teddy Geiger’s “For You I Will”. Yes, he’s pretty and his eyes are fairly damn stunning but he is just so terribly terribly cheesy. Luckily for him, fifteen year old girls don’t have a sense of cheesy – otherwise Young Talent Time wouldn’t have gone on for so long and DeadtomeOnetrickpony Harding wouldn’t currently have a career. The band overpowers him slightly and he gets pitchy here and there but I am giving everyone a little leeway tonight because of the nerves factor and because I am feeling magnanimous. He’s not going anywhere if the screaming girlies are any indication and as Marcia says he lights up the stage, although when he blows a kiss down the camera I am literally gobsmacked at the high level of cheese and immediately develop fullblown lactose intolerance.

I can’t stand Richard Marx. I spent 1989 loathing his album because my sister played it nonfuckingstop and it drove me batshit crazy. I had to say that so you would understand exactly how much I did not enjoy Joseph Gatehau’s rendition of “Right Here Waiting”. He takes a really bland song and blands it up. Blandly. With a side of bland fries. I cut him some slack because he’s only seventeen, but the nerves are eating this boy up from the inside out. His voice, so lovely in the initial audition process, has been shredded by the Idol Journey™ (to the point where, late last week there was talk of him being forced to pull a Cosima) and his vocals are pitchy, his phrasing is messy and he’s a big puddle of I Don’t Know What I’m Doing.

Jessica Mauboy makes me really really sad by singing a Pussycat Doll’s song “Stick Wit You”. I hate the PD’s for two reasons. Firstly, that god awful “Don’t Cha” which epitomises everything I hate about skank music – the lyrics are appalling and I’m sorry, but if you asked MY boyfriend if he wished his girlfriend was hot like you? You’d get my boot heel in your thorax whilst I explained how feminism and the principles of the sisterhood worked, before I picked you up and took you to a halfway house because in your ripped tshirt and too small short shorts you’re obviously homeless and got your clothes from the Good Sammies bin, right? And eat something. Secondly, Don’t Cha and Stick Wit You?? Don’t You and Stick With You, it is BASIC GRAMMAR PEOPLE. They offend the English Teacher in me, they offend the woman in me, they offend the human. They are a skanky stain, a remarkably untalented blight on the musical horizon. I blame their parents. I blame Paris Hilton. I blame Bratz dolls. Moving on. Jessica starts off pitchy (almost everytime I cite pitchy-ness tonight, I think it’s actually more nerves because it affects the younger, less seasoned performers a lot more than it affects the older ones) and it would appear to shatter her confidence - to an extent. She looks concerned but picks up her funk and is kicking it by the end. Mark thinks she picked an age appropriate song and in my head I scream about padded bra’s for six year olds and shut up Mark.

Irish is sticking to his roots and rolls out U2’s “With or Without You”. His lower register is nothing to write home about but his upper is heavensent and he rocks out a bit. There are a couple of belt-y moments, which make me smile happily because he is being ridiculously awesome. Excuse me whilst I direct quote the lovely Euph once more : “That was it, shit and a bit”. Mark wishes he’d put an irish spin on it. Mark? He’s irish. He’s singing a classic rock song from a classic Irish band. Should Damien wear all green, bring out a leprechaun and do a jig? Shut UP Mark, honestly. The lovely Andrew G channels me and asks Mark if he wants Irish to come out each week and sing holding a pint of Kilkenny? I squee with delight at my boy. Everyone else in the room rolls their eyes at me.

Craig David comes out looking a lot like Ricky Muscat and sings his hit “Walking Away”. Ricky’s eyebrows are once again set to Determined : Factor Five. He is SO pissed he had to take a judge’s Wildcard and he will SHOW you, home viewer, you just watch! Really, he sings extremely well but its not mind blowingly great or anything. Mark disses him for singing RnB again but correct me if I’m wrong but this IS Contestants Choice, right? If you don’t want him to sing RnB all the time, take the option away from him but don’t bitch him out when he sticks to his strengths.

Euph, Grace and I have a quick discussion about Lisa Mitchell’s decision to sing the Crowded House classic “Fall At Your Feet” and come to the conclusion that we are physically unable to be objective about this song being covered by anyone other than Neil Finn. I am relieved because it gives me the option to take a snap poll of my friends to see what they thought of this performance. Y’all hated it. To be fair to Lisa, her voice has a natural flatness and she has a weird cadence that either works or doesn’t. This time, it really doesn’t. She awkwardly shuffles around the stage – for the love of god, will someone please put a guitar in her hands?? – and is gawkily selfconscious in that way that only teenagers can be. I heartily wish she had waited a few years to do this to herself. She may surprise us all and bottom three with this performance.

WE ARE ONLY HALFWAY THROUGH . . .

Lavina and the Hat are performing Alicia Keys’ “If I Ain’t Got You”. I am happy to report that I don’t remember Emilia Rusciano doing this song at ALL so it feels brand new! She has a sense of the theatrical that took Emily weeks to pick up – see Mark, musical theatre is NOT a dirty word – she starts right up in John Foreman’s face but he loves getting his mug on the telly, so its all good. She is pitch perfect and wows me again by restraining herself beautifully. The judges give her a big old tongue bath until Kyle rips on her dress sense – thank you – because that hat is frigging awful.

Fosse remarks that Chris Murphy is so Jack Black and he’s right, in fact he’s so Jack Black he has his own little School of Rock. It is remarkably cute. Chris then shows us that impeccable song choice is genetic when he sings a cover of Bernard Fanning’s “Wish You Well”. His voice suits this so fucking much and he works the stage like a pro. I hate his shirt. His song choice is immaculate but I really hate his shirt. The crowd goes nuts for him and the judges rave about his professionalism this and stage presence that. Mark wants him to step out of his comfort zone and I grit my teeth and spit “Contestant’s Choice Mark, SHUT UP!” at the screen.

Oy gevalt. Klancie Keough is singing Dolly Parton’s “Jolene”. This is a heartbreaking song about a man-stealing tramp and how you don’t do that to other women (Pussycat Dolls, take note) and a Dolly song will brilliantly cover any flaws to her voice because we expect a Dolly song to quaver and shake because that’s how Dolly sings it. It does all that but it doesn’t help her when Klancie fluffs a line towards the end and gets a nervous as hell look on her face. The crowd and the judges didn’t hear any of the flat, pitchy bits I heard because they all thought it was ace. I am reminded at how very different it sounds coming through the surround sound as opposed to how a live audience hears it. Mark does not bust on Klancie for singing another country song, or ask her to step out of her comfort zone or insist that she bring some sheep on stage with her next time to inject a little more ‘country’ into her music.

Guy Must I Call Him Mutto? Mutton is performing our second U2 song of the night “Where The Streets Have No Name” and he has gone the whole Bono hog tonight, he has Whosoever written on his right hand, he’s sporting an Oxfam Feed The World rubber bracelet on his left wrist and he’s got armbands and steely eyed glintness in spades. The vocals are a little tamer than I would have expected from him, he’s dialled it back for some reason, but he sings very very well. The vocals are lovely but leave me quite unsatisfied about the whole thing.

Reigan Derry has quite the lovely soprano (alto?? Shaneequa? Which was it?) but doesn’t use it at all when she sings George’s “Breathe In Now”. Her performance is still lovely but it is lacklustre, as if she tackled something that just got away from her. Euph calls her beguiling but I don’t know. I think no-one should sing Katie Noonan, but Katie Noonan because sister can sing - can I get an amen! – but it is still quite nice. Mark likes it but doesn’t love it and Marcia basically spits in her eye and gives her the Chanel treatment, if she had fun then that’s all that is important. Oh, she haaaaaaaaaates you Reigan.

Bobby Flynn is such a big honking dork, bless him. He is singing Cold Chisel’s “When The War Is Over” and I am not ashamed to say that waaaaay back in Season One, Ms Cosima De Vito made me cry buckets when she sang this song. Bobby’s doesn’t pack the same emotional punch, but it is still fairly awesome. It meanders along very nicely and he actually slams a couple of big notes out as well. His instrument is pretty great and the crowd goes fucking nuts for him. Mark hung on every word, but not enough to give him a touchdown (this is where the punchdrunk live audience, having sat there for two hours and who haven’t been able to flick over to 60 Minutes or mute the judges or go to the toilet whenever they want like we have start getting hysterical for a Bobby Flynn TD) Bobby actually looks like he couldn’t give a shit if he gets one or not and is more interested in noting that people should use the 199JUDGE that I’m not talking about to text the judges to let the contestants perform original songs on the show. That is the only way I will text anything to 199JUDGE I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT LA LA LA LAAAAAA.

This Top 12 is actually a boatload better than last years. And not a little tiny wee skip of a boat either. I’m talking the QEII cruise ship better. For me, the top three were obviously Bobby, Irish and Lavina. Bottom three were Joseph, Lisa and a tie between Klancie and maybe even Jessica. I’ve tipped Klancie to go because I just don’t know if she’ll have the fan base to get her over the line, even if Jolene was one of her better performances. Joseph has the girly vote and Lisa has the Missy Higgins set behind her. The first one to go is always interesting.

TallulahBelle out.