You still get no dessert.

Right. Australia you may come out of your room as we are off to a good start, well done, your bedroom looks nice and clean and Moppet Ben McKenzie is first announced through. He is adorably pleased. He shuffles off (adorably) to the other current Top 12 Alumnus and is engGULFed in a group hug – he’s so tall that his head sticks (adorably) out the top and he (adorably) smiles. (He also breathes adorably and his heart rate is quite cute too.)

But ohhhhh nooooo, you are SO still grounded and also no tv for you for a week and ALL your phone privileges are suspended because did we not just have a talk about this? Did we not JUST discuss the putting through of weaker performers over stronger? Marty Simpson? Really? Are you testing me, young country?? Are you? Because I will TURN this season around and we will go back to 2006 when Irish was king AND I WAS HAPPY. And if you REALLY push me? Back to Season Three we shall go and you can suffer through Emily The Cold and DeadtomeOnetrickponyLee again and DON’T think I won’t do that.

Bah. Wildcard, Jack. Wildcard, Mark. Or shit will be rained down upon you all.

Sarah Grimly Determined Third Times A Charm Lloyde is taking a HUGE chance on what is one of the biggest, hardest songs to sing, ‘And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going’ – the song that won Jennifer Hudson an Oscar and which can really only be truly performed by four people; Jennifer Holliday, who sang this number as the original Effie from the Broadway Cast of Dreamgirls; JHud herself; Bianca Ryan, eleven year old wunderkind who rocked it amazingly on America’s Got Talent Season One; and Jake Gyllenhenhall that time on Saturday Night Live when he donned a wig and dress and belted it in his opening monologue. Sarah gives this version a Sarah McLachlan sliiiiide up into the note thing for the first part and then she gets growly and emotional and PUMPS it into the ceiling. In the sparse time they’re given to perform, she manages to infuse her performance with the desperation and neediness of the lyric and at the very end when she is BEGGING you, telling you that yes, you, YOU, you’re GOING to love me, she borrows last season’s Eyebrows of Determination and Grit from Ricky Muscat and clenches her jaw triumphantly when she nails the last note. Yowzah. Great performance, BIG song and memorable - which is necessary at this point – but the big question is does the Aust public think we need another belter in the comp when we already have Tarasai?

Mark worries about why she did that song given her age, because as a vocal exercise and to show her skill and control it was great, but he tells her she’s too young to sing that particular song – and I’m the first to leap to the defence of songs sung by too young Idols, LANA – but I totally got the emotional range from her on this one, Mark. Dicko backs me up and reminds us that Sarah has tried numerous times to get as far as she has and he was thinking of the hell of a journey she’s been on and if that’s the song she wants for her coming out party, grammy winning, Oscar winning, goosebump inducing song then that’s what she should sing and she DID give him goosebumps. Marcia also has the bumplies on her arm and talks about little Bianca Ryan and how she – an eleven year old – sings the bejesus out of that number and she thinks that Sarah absolutely pushed herself and did it. Kyle questions if she’s ever had her heart broken, trampled, been dumped etc and of course she has, so he thinks its fine. It was a tough decision and he thinks she’s ready and if she continues to make great song choice she’ll do well. Sarah promises to give Mark goosebumps next time and I know where we can get some dry ice for that, Sarah.

Morgan Who? Hosking has performed the entire back catalogue of George songs at her auditions, so instead she’s giving us Alanis Morissette’s ‘You Learn’ and this is SO not the song to be doing at this point, especially when you’ve already been edited out of the competition, Morgan. Her package shows she has a lovely higher vocal range and she’s going with the flat, nasally tones of Alanis? Sigh. There is a tremulous quality to her voice when she starts singing, that are obviously the product of nerves. There is some serious fear in her eyes and she doesn’t rock this remotely. She needed to give a performance that absolutely solidified who she was in people’s minds because we don’t know who she is at all and this is just not it.

Dicko tells us he’s been her biggest supporter and needed her to deliver big time – he says her perf was okay, but not ‘it’. He wanted her to be this year’s rock chick and he felt like Alanis wasn’t modern enough – I don’t know about that Dicko, Jagged Little Pill is a classic album of a pissed off chick. That shit is timeless. Marcia agrees with me (ugh) that Alanis still speaks to young women but that she heard Morgan’s nerves, her breathing was raggy and obvious. Kyle tells her she nearly got to where he wanted her to go but that it was disappointing. Mark sits in his idiotic silence for a moment thinking how best to knock Dicko’s favourite girl, before he theatrically groans and spits at her that she was all over the place, karaoke and the worst performance of the week. Ass. Morgan and G dance a little tension breaking jig as G sings ‘happy happy joy joy’. Morgan does not rush across the stage and spike her stiletto into Mark’s jugular. Wish fulfilment, it never works . . .

Seriously funky Holly Weinert is tackling Faith No More’s rendition of ‘Easy’ and she has me hook, line and sinker by the middle of the second line. She has such a cool, husky guttural tone to her lower notes, it slides deliciously down my spine. This is a very fun arrangement too – I can just hear it playing over the closing credits of the latest Drew Barrymore/Adam Sandler rom-com. Love it.

Marcia tells her that was great song choice and she remained herself. Kyle cops to previously finding her plain and boring but says she was on fire with that song and asks her if she’s been dipped in a bath recently – to be fair, she has done something FABULOUS with her hair since we saw her last. Mark lauds her arrangement and says she brought in the 21st Century Woman version of that song – and that’s TOTALLY the title of Drew’s movie and the song’s playing over the trailer now as well. Dicko tells her that was something really different that she did with that song and then proceeds to tell us how Lionel Ritchie wrote that song at 3.07pm on a warm lazy day in September at this tiny little café, just before he ordered a soy latte with a hint of cinnamon and just after he saw a cloud that reminded him of the colour green . . . we get it, Dicko. You know more about music and it's roots then the idiot they replaced you with who still sits down the other end of the panel and I LOVE you for it, I do, but you’re starting to get that teeniest tiniest bit . . . annoying about the whole thing. Just tell her she’s great – she is – and that you loved it – he did.

Mystery Meat contestant Madison Pritchett is officially our youngest contestant AND she has a pony! Yay! She’s singing Avril Lavigne’s ‘When You’re Gone’. Boo! She hits the occasional flat note and has no real sense of stagemanship and lacks experience, which shows as she wanders all over the place a little aimlessly. Her voice isn’t bad but it is a little reedy and thin around the upper register and this is all just a bit blah. Like Morgan before her, she needed to nail this bastard to the wall and get our attention but she hasn’t done that and I suspect most people will forget her within five minutes of her walking offstage.

Kyle opens with how great she looks but he was waiting for something more, he’s officially over ballads – huzzah! Me too! Unless Moppet is doing them, you know I feel that may be the secret to everything I hate, get Ben to sing it and I’ll miraculously love it – ooh, lets try this. Ben? Sing some Pussycat Dolls in the Top Twelve as a test. Mark thinks she’s a total sweetheart, and that her low tones are strong but says once she got into the higher range that she wasn’t hitting the notes solidly – he tells her she’s close but not quite ready yet – gee, a sixteen year old? Not ready yet? Do tell! Maybe . . . just maybe . . . you should think about bringing the age limit up to eighteen – anyone? Yes? Dicko says she lights up the room but his bugbear is mine, the freaking entry age on this show. He acknowledges it must be frustrating that they set the limit that sixteen year olds can enter but that they would have to market her almost as a child prodigy – hey, it worked for Nikki Webster. And in two years she can pose for Zoo Weekly. Marcia signs the papers giving ownership of Madison over to Australia, saying it's up to us to decide and you know what, it’s not that easy Marcia, there are procedures, there are forms to fill out and meetings with counsellors before we can take her off your hands. Has she had all her shots? Can we get a certificate that she’s roadworthy?

Brianna Carpenter owns a hell of a lot of crazy vintage dresses and tinkles a mean set of ivories. However, I feel she owns too many sets of coloured tights and I am putting my foot down regarding them. The foot! Is down! I love Regina Spektor’s song ‘Fidelity’ and that ‘ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahhhhahahahah’ thing? Is fucking hard to do and sound GOOD at the same time, my friend. Brianna sounds good. The playacting she does with the audience and the facial expressions are just a wee bit over the top for me (and I’ve seen amateur productions of The Mikado) and when she sings about the voices in her head, I fear I believe her. But her vocals are pretty spot on and I do so love the very funky ‘break’ she has in her voice.

The voices in Mark’s head liked her too – except for the really angry one, that one still wants to just kill (KILL!) someone, preferably the guy sitting to his left. The personality currently inhabiting Mark hopes that she took Australia along with her on her musical, delicious, quirky, kooky, perky ride (and I’ve said this before but kook is the best tasting word in your mouth – take a moment now and say it out loud – kook). Dicko thinks she brought the fun and the joy but that she needs to be careful, if she brings The Crazy every single week, she’ll lose the mainstream Idol audience completely. Marcia who hated Chanel with every fibre of her being and Chanel was NEVER as overtly quirky as Brianna is, says she loves that theatrical side and how do you do that song straight, you can’t and I scream at her until I pass out in a blinding rage because I still haven’t forgiven her for hating on Chanel so much. Brianna notes she tried to do it straight in rehearsal and people just shook their head, pursed their lips and said “no, you need to bring the nutty and wear that Queen of Hearts dress and if you also endorsed the chopping off of Holden’s head, well, all the better really.” The BEST bit is when Kyle calls her Beetlejuice and says it’s great but that he just doesn’t get that kind of ‘thing’ and she makes THOUSANDS of people happy by saying she wouldn’t expect him to get it and although she doesn’t quite mean it in the “burn” Michael Kelso sense, it is still mindshatteringly awesome. G tells her it’s sometimes nice when an artist can go to places where they can’t and then Mathieson dryly notes that that was worthy of the price of admission, just seeing Kyle lost for words. Then they both make sure they have enough money on their phones so they can vote a few hundred times each for her.

Rosie Posey Ribbons wants to see if she can be the first performer this semi final season who performs last and doesn’t get in. So she’s singing REMs ‘Everybody ouch the pain the pain this song just goes on and on but at least the clip was cool and so was this song until Party of Five ruined if for me and I just hated Bailey so much it Hurts’ and she’s singing the Charlotte Church version or something because its even slower then it normally bloody is. She also has Diva Hand, where the hand not holding the microphone is held up in a Stop traffic pose and she’s head bobbing at the microphone like she’s about to give it a blow job. And she’s Trilling for Britain. Sing the fucking note on the page as it is written, GOD.

Dicko is confused. What kind of artist does she want to be? Rosie’s really into K T Tunstall right now (and for the love of god, then why didn’t she do ‘Suddenly I See The Devil Wears Prada With Ugly Betty’ or ‘Black Horse, Cherry Tree’?) because she’s moved towards contemporary as she’s gotten older and boyoboy was that EVER the wrong word to use. Dicko pounces on her age because she’s only 24 but it can be argued that she looks . . . slightly older. And she really needs to start thinking about what kind of artist SonyBMG can flog her as and we already have an old Diva and actually, it's her turn to speak. Marcia says she’s going to be as honest as she can, which usually means she hates your guts, stand back Rosie – and oooooh, it turns out Marcia is recording a new coaster and she’s done that song. Ouch. Mother Marcia doesn’t like to share . . . she says she liked it but that the licks were ridiculously too much, back away from the licks, and get to the meaning of the song – and I guess we take from that that Mother Marcia’s version of this song will melt your eyelids, you’ll cry so much feeling her emotion. So it’s not a disco version? Disappointed. Kyle says she sung it well but that he just gets a big boring vibe from her and – always happy to help twist the knife that little bit further – she does look old. Mark’s eyes practically roll back in his head when he mentions the vocal gymnastics, there was also too much slow vibrato and on every line?! No. She gave it no real compassion and it was just professional karaoke. Rosie is gracious in the sweltering smack down of defeat and continues to be quite likeable and personable as she talks to the boys and you can see the interviewing experience from UK Idol has stuck, she’s very good and natural with them.

Well. I would imagine Sarah and either Holly or Brianna would go through – but seeing as someone I like and someone I’m bored by has gotten through on a weak performance every single effing night – that it will be Sarah and Rosie. Sadly, I don’t think Morgan or Madison will get in, nor do I expect them to be allocated one of the eight Wildcards. Those Wildcards should be Mark da Costa, Jack Byrnes, Daniel Misfud, Cheray Doughty, Sally van der Zwart, HotCarl Risely which leaves two places for Holly or Brianna if they don’t go through and maybe . . . I don’t know . . . Dave Andrews? I still want them to bring back Dewayne Everett-Smith.