Blame It On The Boogie. Or Wolfgang Peterson. Or Something. Yeah?

I started writing this after the show in a timely manner (slight lie. Tiny, wee, I-did-not-have-sexual-relations-with-that-woman sized lie) and then got distracted by Outbreak on Channel Nine. Man, I love that movie. Dustin Hoffman, Rene Russo, Morgan 'Voice of God' Freeman, Donald Sutherland, Kevin Spacey, JT Walsh in one little bitty uncredited scene knocking it out of the PARK playing the Chief of State or something and talking about blowing up a little town full of citizens of the US of A, Patrick Dempsey before he was popular again (and with the WORST hairstyle you'll see come out of the 90's - and I'm including Billy Ray Cyrus and his mullet, but I'm not including the wig Shaneequa is making me wear in the new play I'm in that she's directing. For real, you guys, this wig? It's like she's punishing me for Irish winning two seasons ago or something; it is seriously ugly and she's lucky we're still friends . . .) and by the time it was finished it was late and I didn't want to sit through Idol again. (I love the movie but I don't know why I watch it, it always gets me all het up about whether or not Casey survives. Dustin gets the monkey, saves the town and Renee and at no point do you find out if Casey - Kevin Spacey's character - who was also dying, lives. The movie just kind of ends without telling us. Is Casey alive? Or did he die? He was much further along with the illness than Russo's character but we don't see him either survive or die. It's one of the most frustrating endings to a movie. Ever.

bad monkey

Frustrating to the point where, okay; I went to a seminar years ago about science in movies - Douglas Adams was one of the guests - Douglas motherfucking Adams. The man changed my life with Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy. I got him to sign a copy of it for me. After my stupid cat Giles, that book is the thing I would save if the house was on fire. Actually, I might save the book first, Giles isn't that dumb, he'd run if he was on fire. I think. Anyway, one of the movies they discussed was Outbreak and one of the other panelists was talking about how the most distressing thing about the movie was the faux science and Douglas was laughingly agreeing and I was forced to disagree with Douglas motherfucking Adams, because the most distressing thing about Outbreak is you never find out if Casey lives or not.* And also, Kevin Spacey's hair is weird. Not as weird as McDreamy's but still.)

(Man, that was one long ass tangent.)

So . . . recap. Group song! With dancers from So You Think You Can Dance! Jaunty hats as far as the eye can see! And whilst they're both giving it their hip swivelling all, Luke and Teale look so crazy uncomfortable with the Jazz Hands! Point Fingers! Box Step! that it makes me wish all the more that we'd had the group songs all season long, because really, how brilliant would a group song have been to ABBA? Wes moonwalks across the stage. I cheer extremely loudly and with no sense of shame because I am a total whore for that kind of Awesome. Oh, yeah, Wes owns this performance (and, as it turns out, most of the night). They finish up as the boys Soul Train their way to the front of the stage and jeezum crow, what the hell is Mathieson wearing? He's got a furry, suede jacket and a bow tie. How am I meant to tell if it's skinny or not?? G wants to know if he's dealing cards at the casino later, as he takes the opportunity to futz with Jimmy's bow tie.

Jermaine frigging Jackson is in the house. Whilst Jermaine was once part of the Jackson Five and is fairly legendary because of that fact, I'd place him below La Lauper in terms of OhMyGod!Celebrity Status. He's wearing a jacket that appears to have the lyrics and titles of every Jackson Five song puffy penned on it. It's hideously tacky. Mathieson fibs that we're in for a brilliant night (two out of three ain't bad, but it ain't good) and sends poor Jermaine to sit in between Marcia and Kyle, possibly as penance for the jacket . . .

When I was repeating to Fosse how everyone had gone on the show, I couldn't for the life of me remember what the hell Teale Jakubenko had sung. It sounds like he sings "the cat is not my son" when he practices 'Billie Jean' with Erana and John. As a kid, I always thought MJ sang "the chad is not my son", which never made any real sense to me, unless the kid's name was Chad. But Michael Jackson is not the most brilliant of enunciators. I thought that he was asking Eddie if he was okay in 'Smooth Criminal' - turns out it's "Annie, are you okay?" - and what the hell does "chamon" mean anyway? Either way, the overenunciating king of Idol Teale is giving us someone's stripped back version (I don't have a problem with Idol's using someone else's arrangment, but cop to it - Teale tells us it's a version he found, but doesn't tell us who it's by). It's extremely well sung, his voice is getting to the point where it just can't be faulted but man alive, it's boring again. If Teale won Idol (as if) his Journey!!1! CD would be dullsville. People could use it to put small children to sleep, so at least it would serve a practical purpose. The ending is lovely, he belts out a long lovely note that goes slightly askew at the very high pointy end but is otherwise applause worthy.

Dicko says the songs are icons of pop culture, what with the instantly recognisable dance moves, the signature MJ wacky made up words etc and tells Teale he did the smart thing taking it into his own territory because he would have failed miserably if he'd stuck to the original arrangment. He praises his singing and calls it brilliant. Marcia's heart lets Teale know it thought his song had angst, attitutude and compassion. JJ softly speaks that he thinks it was excellent, praising his pitch and telling Teale he moved him. Teale is visibly chuffed and his eyes are all a-sparkle with unshed tears of Holy Cow, Jermaine Jackson Thinks I'm Awesome. Kyle says it was initially disappointing for him that it wasn't the MJ version but then he got captured up in it and loved it. Mathieson suggests it might be enough to keep him out of Bottom Three for once and Teale humbly smiles that with only five of them, he doubts it but he's made it to Top Five and he's just so jazzed to be there, it's all ok.

whatserface is talking to Mark Spano and . . . man, someone's been overdoing the fake tan. She's wearing a brown sparkly thing that she almost blends into. If it weren't for the sparkles on her dress, I'd be hard pressed to know where the her skin ends and her dress begins. She gets all handsy with Spanner. Fired! No touch-y!! Mark's a massive MJ fan but for some strange reason has chosen the least 'sing-y' song in his catalogue, choosing 'Bad'. I'm going there guys, that's a Bad song choice. I'm not apologising for that. It's very very monotone. Mark does his best, dropping into his lower register and being all sexy closed eyes whilst cradling the microphone in his big, meaty hands and . . . sorry, I went somewhere where you couldn't come with me. He kicks it when he's in the chorus but it's not enough. Oh Mark, to follow up 'Angie' with this? Makes me sad. There is not one Jesus Pose in the whole song, but he does the Mark Spano Crouch a whole hell of a lot. He tries for some 'Bad' attitude but it just makes me giggle, which I don't think is what he was aiming for.

Marcia blows air up the skirt of Jermaine's brother (and you know, it's entirely possible that wherever Michael is right at this very moment, he might actually be wearing a skirt), coming short of calling him an outright genius and talking about what a theatrical performer he is, but that she still thinks Mark did a very good job. JJ says there's a lot of movement in that song but that he didn't miss it because Mark is so comfortable on stage and he sold it. He praises his voice and the performance. Kyle opens with "now for a bit of truth" and slams it. He calls the verses terrible and monotone and when the crowd boos, he tells them no chocolate for them. He admits to enjoying the chorus and passes over to Dicko who agrees with him that the first verse was thrown away. He tells Mark that he needs to learn to put some texture into that lower register and is disappointed that there was no chamon. I feel your pain Dicko. JJ defends Mark by saying he gave the first verse a certain amount of attitude to build it. G says that JJ has the highest jurisdiction. He doesn't touch Mark at all. Are they fighting? Oh my goodness, is there trouble in Bromance-ania, population, them? Noooooooo!

whatserface wants Chrislyn Hamilton to do the zombie dancing from the ground breaking 'Thriller' clip. Chrislyn says she doesn't want to embarrass herself on national television like whatserface is currently doing. Burn! Chrislyn is puh-itch-y and she's got the Crazy Eyes And Hands Of Endless Mugging going on. She doesn't zombie dance, but she totally werewolf claws at the audience. It's not as muggy as she's previously been, but neither is her singing anywhere as good as she's previously been. You can totally see her vocal cords when she sings her last big note. Sadly, Vincent Price's spoken part does not bust out over the last section and no one laughs evilly. That's such a shame, an evil laugh is always welcome in my house.

JJ gets as close as he's ever going to get to telling someone they were shit as he slightly admonishes her song choice and pitch but notes that it was better than her rehearsal and also, was she aware she was only seventeen?? Kyle can see that Jermaine was so freaking round about in his criticism that Chrislyn maybe thought it was okay and immediately dashes her hopes. He would have liked some zombie dancing and more theatrics and GOOD GOD, NO. Do not encourage the mugging. Shut up, Kyle. Dicko thought it was dopey song choice and there were some pitch problems but it was a valiant effort. Marcia says 'Thriller' isn't a musical song, it's a mad zombie song and tells her she can dance and she should pull every trick out of the hat.

Luke Dickens has made yet another smart song and arrangment choice, taking 'The Way You Make Me Feel' and bluesing it up so that it's more of a Luke song than an MJ one. He's also rocking more beard, the long scary beardy lines are gone and he's got some growth there - it makes the chin thing slightly less horrid to look at. He's singing really well, it's bluesy and laid back and a really nice version of this song. When he reaches into his big bag of notes towards the end, he either muffs a note or loses his voice slightly but it's gone very quickly and he continues on to a nice smooth ending.

Kyle says it was easily his favourite of the night, it was comfy and it turned him on. Ewwwww. Dicko tells him he has an uncanny ability to forage around a catalogue and find the perfect song choice for him. Dicko loved it and says he's beginning to cook at the right time for the competition. Luke's missus is in the audience with a sign that has a pic of his new little baby on it. From ewwww to awwwww in less than a minute. She looks really happy with her hubby. She should be, he's doing extremely well. Marcia tells him it was sexy because he owns what he does on stage. JJ is impressed how Luke grew the song and built it, he loved the hook and can't believe he was a sheep shearer.

whatserface towers over Wes Carr, she is tall. I am excited to note that the hat is back (shut up, I missed it. Also, the perfect night to wear the Jaunty Hat. If it gets flung into the audience at some point, then Wes owns the night and possibly me.) He is worried that Dicko is going to hate what he's about to do to 'Black or White' and he must not have been watching the show because Dicko loves everything you do, Wes, everything. It is . . . I don't have words for how brilliant it is . . . he's got the leg twitch going on and he's just so freaking into it and I do NOT stop smiling the whole damn performance. He shimmy's when he gets to the bridge and then he full on does the whole MJ standing on top of an air vent 'ohhhhhhh!' move and busts out the dancing. Moonwalk!! It's GLEEFULLY brilliant (and brilliantly gleeful)! The backing vocalists get into it, repeating the last line of the rap portion of the song (my favourite part) "I'm not going to spend my life being a colour" as Wes finally pitches the hat off to the side, pulls off the patented MJ half Jesus Pose (with fingers exactly how MJ has them) and then gives a full Jesus Pose as the band climaxes to completion. That is simply the most energetic and FUN performance that has EVER been on this show. It joins Spano's 'Angie' from last week as the best performances of the season and possibly the show's history. Awe. Some.

Dicko tries to talk but Marcia and JJ are too busy giving The Messiah a thoroughly deserved Touchdown (I can't believe it, but his first of the season). Wes adorably runs up to hug Jermaine Jackson, because really if you're given the opp to hug a hero, you're going to. The brother of a hero will suffice. Dicko tells him he's pretty fly for a white guy and wonders why he'd think Dicko would hate that - why would he hate someone who entertains us? He praises it as fantastic. Marcia says tonight was the night to unleash his Michael Jackson and also says it was fantastic. JJ tells him to listen to the crowd and that he did it. Wes very cutely can barely look Jermaine in the eye, he's so freaked out that he's there and he loved his perf and he got a Touchdown from him and bashfully apologises for the dancing but Mr Jackson is having none of that and tells him he loved it. Kyle says there's not much to say and says it was pure thrill. G calls it the culmination of Wes' entire life and Mathieson notes that all that dicking about in front of a mirror has finally paid off. G says Wes needs our votes to stay in the competition and DUDE, he so doesn't. Really, I love Spanner as much as the next . . . me . . . but The Messiah deserves to win this competition and I will be extremely surprised if he ever hits the B3. I may eat one of his hats.

Bottom Three; Teale, Chrislyn and Mark. Oh, that hurts Mark, that does. Teale or Chrislyn to go though. Obviously no Top Three but Luke and Wes should be safe for next week and CHRIS FUCKING ISAAK. Oh. My. God.

TallulahBelle out.

*Fine, yes, you may say I'm being stupid hoping that there is a chance that Casey makes it as it's fairly obvious he must have died, he's pretty fucking sick before they get the antiserum. But if he died, then show it, for crying out loud. That's baaaaaad filmmaking to leave that kind of loose end untied, and that bastard is untied. UN. TIED. I blame Wolfgang Peterson. Also, if Casey died then everyone else in the town who was sick died, because they were sick before him and he only got sick because he was exposed to the airborne portion of the virus, as opposed to Rene's character who pricked herself with a needle and got it in her blood. So he lives. Right? Right. Taaaangent. That is all.