Just because Red and I were talking 'bout The Clooney today

and then because I'm ridiculously in love with this other guy too . . .

Sigh. Prettttttttty . . .




(we were talking about The Clooney because Red is in Sydney and she texted me this morning that she saw that guy from Idol last year, she wouldn't have recognised him except for the outlandish hair but what was his name, and I replied Bobby Flynn and she told me I was great, and I said well, great or obsessed with a reality tv singing show, you say potato, my shrink says potato and then she texted me again to ask exactly how much did I love and adore her and I replied with why, did you bump into Tim Brunero and force my mobile number on him because ALL my friends know that that is the rule, if they bump into Tim they must my mobile number give, he'll never call but still, he'll have it or at least, he'll have it and then immediately throw it in the bin and complain to his friends about the stalker chick in Melbourne and her crazy fucking friends and then I called her to make sure that wasn't the case because if it was then I needed to quickly bone up on some current Australian politics before he called but she had just managed to steal some magazines from the plane and the hotel that had stories/photo's/feature stories regarding The Clooney. Hence the pics. And here's one last one to make me happy . . . )

number 9 number 9 number 9 number 9 number 9 number 9 number 9 number 9 number 9 number 9 number 9 number 9 number 9 gosh, that IS annoying

Acoustic night. Ian Moss pimpage, Idol unplugged, judges unhinged, a general lack of understanding about what 'acoustic' actually means and touchdowns arbitrarily dispensed in a manner that leads me to believe that Mark’s doctor has instructed him to randomly jerk his right arm at male members of the competition with big hair or risk losing his hearing completely. It’s the only explanation, right?

(I have taken away the capital ‘T’ on Touchdowns and downgraded them to simply touchdowns and that way they shall remain, until Mark gives Natalie and Ben one each and stops playing such blatant frigging favourites.)

Tonight your Idol viewing pleasure streams direct (indeed, may I say fast tracked) from the loungeroom of Chez Avoca with Shaneequa, Chrispy and Klaus von Puppy in attendance with the odd text message from Fosse on his sickcouch and roving rogue reporter PGiddy in Sydney. Shaneequa, the wholewheat pasta with lentil based sauce was much much tastier than it sounded, cheers!

RunMdC is up first and is there a clause in the Idol contract this season that states that a Coldplay song must be performed every show because he’s doing frakking ‘Yellow’, which I’ve bitched about before as being my least favourite Coldplay song but after RunMdC performs his Garth Brooks inspired version of ‘Yellow’, I will never complain about the Coldplay version of this song again. He sings it competently but it is cheesy and just WRONG and well, I’ll let Chrispy’s words speak for me – “this song had its bag packed but its flight was cancelled”. Da Costa might be in trouble because that went NOWHERE. And was BADLY enunciated. Mark, it is THING, not THANG. God.

Mark loved the bluesy arrangement and the versatility he’s showed by doing three shows where he did nothing but rock and then this show where it was a . . . softer, countrified rock. Dicko calls it honky tonk Coldplay and an inventive treatment and is chuffed he moved away from rock. Marcia loved the originality of it, the bluesy feel, but mostly loved the humour. The humour? In a Coldplay song? Why yes, I’ve always considered ‘Yellow’ to be the Buster Keaton of the Coldplay playlist, what the fuck Marcia? Kyle admits to treating music like he treats his women and by all that is holy, now you’re asking me to feel MORE sorry for his fiancée Tamara? I mean, Kyle has shown time and time again that he has a ridiculously scant amount of respect for music outside of his very narrow Fox FM pop genre, so I can’t begin to understand how little that means he knows about women. I feel like sending him a copy of Where Babies Come From and The Female Eunuch. And a dictionary.

Natalie Let’s Remake The Fabulous Baker Boys With Her As The Michelle Pfeiffer Character Because I’d Totally Pay To See Her Crawling Over A Piano Gauci has chosen Michael Jackson’s ‘Man In The Mirror’ and whilst there is initial scepticism in the Avoca loungeroom, Shaneequa assures us she has heard a stripped back version of this song and that it is duly righteous. Happily, Ian Unsurprisingly I Have A CD Coming Out Moss makes my day, as mere seconds after I comment that I hope she leaves the lyrics ALONE, he convinces her to stay with ‘man’ in the mirror, rather then ‘woman’ or ‘girl’ or ‘non specific gender’ (actually, non specific gender is what MJ originally sang but his manager dubbed it in postproduction). Natalie sings this GORGEOUSLY, she builds beautifully and her key change is sublime. Chrispy starts a Touchdown chant (still a capital ‘T’ at this stage of the night). Shaneequa looks askance at me as if waiting for me to bag it and I shake my head immediately because I know greatness and this chick is IT, she fucking ROCKED that.

Dicko comments how without all the bells and whistles of most weeks she shines the hardest the week they go unplugged, calling her a commanding figure and taking back last week’s Ticko From Dicko and instead gives her Fully Sicko From Dicko. It is slightly less ridiculous then the TD that is later foisted upon us. Marcia nonsensically tells Natalie about how much she’s suffered in this competition, even as she’s blossomed, she’s suffered and what? Shut up Marcia. Kyle loved it, it was beautiful and then Holden disappoints everyone greatly by saying the great thing about her is she listens to them and she always builds her songs and SHUT UP Holden and just give her the fucking TD. He shares with us that she only made the decision that day to play the piano and at this point Dicko nudges him and pesters him and practically gives him a chinese burn to give her a TD but Stingey McIDon’tLikeTheGirlsThisSeason sits on his hands and refuses.

They keep showing Ian Moss during HotCarl’s package and it makes me angry, show me my boy! He says he’s doing Cole Porters ‘It’s Alright With Me’, but he’s really doing the Harry Connick Jr version from Red Light, Blue Light. Good god, he’s playing the trumpet and wearing a suit and who cares if it’s a direct copy of every tour edition DVD that Michael Buble and HCJnr ever released. Fosse texts from his sickcouch to upgrade him from HotCarl to ScorchingCarl and it would be rude to use Shaneequa’s bathroom to have a cold shower right? PGid doesn’t get the love and complains bitterly about his singing again to which I reply, he sang? Huh, I’m too busy thinking rude things about how agile his lips and tongue must be.

Marcia is just so happy that her boy got to play his horn and bats her eyelashes at him. Kyle is back in full on love for HotCarl and comments that a man who looks like him should get the horn out as much as possible. Mark calls him consistent and thinks he did a really good job. Dicko says its fantastic that he didn’t wait until Big Band night to show Australia what kind of stuff he’d do as Our Idol and really, even I’m not that blinded by lust. Look, he’s beautiful and not the worst singer in the world, but if he wins this show then we, the Australian people, should demand to see exactly what the Australian Federal Defence Force has spent our tax dollars on this year and if the number 191010 shows up ANYWHERE on their phone bill, then maybe it’s time to give that Communism thing a try.

Jacob God Save The Queen Butler can not give up the British Isles, because he’s doing another British bands song, Keane’s ‘Somewhere Only We Know’, or as I like to call it, the song guaranteed to make an appearance on the soundtrack of any and all Zach Braff films. A fierce and cruel discussion is undertaken between Fosse, Shaneequa and Chrispy regarding Jacob’s weight whereby Chrispy posits the theory that Jacob has been eating the outgoing contestants. Hmpf. The views expressed by contributors do not reflect the opinions of italktoomuch. Because I still think he’s kinda cute. I try to convince the Avoca household that Jacob’s actually easier to like when you don’t watch him because then you can’t see him trying so heartbreakingly hard to win us all over but they will have no truck with it. In fairness, he has slowed this down ridiculously and it meanders all over the damn place very sedately and it unfortunately highlights a weak upper register.

Kyle calls it dead boring and likens it to something to be heard on the Channel Nine Xmas Carols. Ray Martin vehemently disagrees; there will be NO Britpop performed at HIS Carols, thank you. Then Marcia subverts everything by speaking next, when it is CLEARLY Mark Holden’s turn to nonsensically babble and bitch out at the contestant. She doesn’t agree with Kyle and says a great performer takes you to a place and she wanted to follow Jacob and Chrispy HATES Jacob because he snidely remarks that although that may be the case, sometimes the place they take you is Sarajevo which is not so much known as a pleasant touristy destination. I ask Chrispy to cease and desist being funnier then I am, thankyou. Dicko thinks Jacob just tries too damn hard (a la Ricky Muscat and the Eyebrows of Determination & Tunnel Vision – that should totally be the name of Ricky’s band. I call copyright!) but that this time he was simple and pure and mesmerised Dicko. Mark is at a bit of a loss because he knows what Jacob was trying for but thinks it didn’t quite hit the mark (and again, Jacob, should you actually hit Mark I will self fund your CD), it was at 60/70% when it needed to be at 130% and I’m no maths genius, I mean those Fifth Grader Kids could totally kick my mathematical arse, but even I know that that’s just a stupid thing to say.

Next up is Matt See The Pretty Girl In That Mirror There, Corby who wants me to hate him, there can be no other explanation for him singing ‘The Blowers Daughter’ by Damien Rice. And he’s successively made it dull and booooorrrrriiiiinnnngggggg and has left out all the pretty high bits. It gives us all the opportunity to have a quick nanna nap before waking up for the judging. Irish singing this for about a minute at his initial audition last year moved me more. The cellist is however, awesome.

Mark wows us all by admitting to thinking Matt is one of the handful of the most brilliant people they’ve EVER had on the show. You thought that about Emily Williams, Lee Harding and Dean Geyer, Holden, YOU HAVE NO CREDIBILITY. In fact, I will lay at least 65% of my dislike of Matt squarely at Holden’s feet, because the kid is talented, he seems lovely and doesn’t annoy me endlessly but I am OVER Holden’s blatant favouritism. The other 35% (see, I know how percentages work) is that he comes across as trying to hard to be A Grown Up. All his talk of Led Zepplin and blah blah and it just seems slightly forced and fake. It probably isn’t, he’s probably completely serious about his love of older music and bless him for that if it’s so, but it doesn’t ring completely true to me. Anyway. Dicko nods at the slightly obscure song choice but says he had the courage of his convictions to make that work. Right. Tell that to Holly Wienert. The chick who went out the first week on an obscure song, remember her? No? Marcia is just really very proud of Matt and his gift and has nothing else to add. Kyle thought it was so beautiful he wants to become gay lovers with Matt and somewhere backstage the twinkle in HotCarl’s eye dims slightly.

The Daniel Mehsdud Top Twelve Scarf Watch (which I missed last week owing to previously mentioned hospital visit time etc – everyone wave to Fosse who as at today is BACK in hospital, I’m off to watch the Results Show with him once I’m done, get well soon dude) is at nine, with two scarves this week. Mehsdud can’t say acoustic, he says A Cue Stick - which makes Shaneequa purse up her lips in total Teacher Mode – and he’s decided this week to destroy Kiss classic ‘I Was Made For Loving You’. I DESPERATELY want Gene Simmons to come on wearing those big motherfucking boots with the spikes and stomp on The Dud's tongue. I don’t like him. Or his hair. And I really don’t like this cheesy grin-ny version that he’s doing. No no no no no.

Dicko loves his mellow voice and says it was measured and one of his better vocal performances. Marcia calls it a semi RnB version and that a large part of being a performer is taking risks. I’d like him to risk feeding a great white. Kyle calls ‘IWMFLY’ a great love song and NO, it is NOT. It’s a song about getting your hips and the hips of another person working in tandem to produce pleasant tingly feelings in the groinal region. It is not hearts and flowers and sunny days and kittens, you IDIOT, its about SEX, seriously, do we need to get Kyle a copy of the kama sutra? Mark wants to know if the arrangement came from His Head and then. Gives. Him. A. Touchdown, sorry touchdown. It is time to retire the touchdown or at the very least take it away from Holden who is currently rankly mismanaging it and give it to someone who will use it wisely because for the second week in a row, someone else got Natalie Gauci’s td and I am getting a whiff of eau de Kate de Rouge.

Moppet is singing an Imogen Heap song ‘Hide and Seek’ and I announce to the room that I preemptively love this because a) it’s Moppet, b) he’s singing, which is totally like my most favourite thing for him to do and c) he is playing the piano. His husky soulful voice is astoundingly suited to this song and the room stops talking while he’s singing. Surely if The Dud got a td, this has to? Right? It is gorgeous and with tonight’s performances, he and Natalie have finally convinced me to vote this season. This kid connects with his lyrics so much more than Corby and I hate that he’s getting less of the love because he’s not as ‘pretty’. I think he’s freaking adorable and Shaneequa dreamily notes that a Gauci/McKenzie final two would be ace. I have no rebuttal because, yes.

Marcia didn’t know the song but she loved it and loves him. Hell yeah, Marcia, hop on board, we have plenty of room for the crazy! Kyle calls him a freak because every week he surprises him. Mark loved it too and calls it an incredible accomplishment because it’s a difficult song melodically to pull off and he did a terrific job whilst playing the piano and then he just . . . . stops talking. At which point the crowd, realizing there will be not td for Ben, lets out a HUGE disappointed ‘Ohhh’ which is a lot politer then what I said. Dicko thinks he was a little spooked by the whole thing because he’s heard him sing better (better? My brain would implode in the presence of such greatness) and says it shrunk him a bit, it was too meek but that on the bright side, he will inherit the earth. Oh Dicko. All is forgiven!

Little Miss Tarasai Vushe is singing the Des’ree number from the Romeo and Juliet soundtrack ‘I’m Kissing You Australia, Rather Than Smacking You In The Teeth For Not Voting And Putting Me In The Bottom Three, HOW DARE YOU’ and she’s taken over Lana’s job of overenunciating. She sings prettily but it’s a little overwrought and Shaneequa derides her breathing technique. She’s taken a slow song and slowed it down slowly. With a side of leisurely slothfulness and gradual delaying torpidity. It’s not hustling along anywhere, is what I’m saying. Her key change is lovely, but where is the glory note?

Little Miss T is Kyle’s current favourite (because he’s SCARED of her) and he likes that she’s consistently good and that every week we get to see a new personality of hers – how freaking many has she got hidden away? Mark notes she showed great vocal control but wants her to choose songs that she’s experienced so she deeply and profoundly mean them. Does that mean that the new guy who replaced Yellow Wiggle Greg Pane, did he first have to juggle a hot potato and then randomly go round to Jeff Fatt’s house late at night to wake him up before they would let him sing any of their songs? That’s a tough gig for Captain Feathersword. I wonder if he gets seasick? Dicko risks the wrath of Little Miss T by calling it P&O, cruise ship singing and cheesy. Little Miss T’s angry side, the one who made a brief appearance last week when she made Bottom Three, surfaces again to tell him that when she sings the song, it isn’t cheesy. And then she goes to parking lot and cuts his brake lines, boils his bunny and prank calls him for the rest of the night. Marcia understands where the guys are coming from and says she sang it beautifully but she wants the girl from backstage, the wild and woolly child to come out. I’m scared that wild and woolly child might cut someone . . .

Oh, Marty Clone of Jack Johnson Simpson, what ever shall we do with you and your song choice? Chasing Cars songs don’t work unless you have the cast of Grey’s Anatomy in the video clip with you; preferably whilst Izzy looks gorgeous in pink, George looks adorably overwhelmed by everything and everyone, Christine looks generally pissed, McDreamy looks . . . well . . . dreamy and Meredith looks pinched and like she needs a sandwich. He unsurprisingly Jack Johnson’s ‘Open Your Eyes’ and it is boring. He sings it better then he has sung ANYTHING thus far but it is still far below the bar set by everyone else on this show, except for maybe The Dud. He is totally without. Either he or The Dud must go, damnit.

Mark says it was lovely work, he promised to prove himself once he had his guitar and he did. Dicko recounts The Story Of Marty as being overpromise and undeliver and that he had to up his game this week and he did, but that he still needs to watch his vary speed, which yeah, dude can NOT keep time with the music. Marcia is just happy that he got to play because it’s been so difficult for him and sweet baby jesus, if you’re going to allow them to play their instruments at the audition let them play them during the show, I am repeating myself ad nauseam here. Kyle tells a sweet story where Marty ends up in a caravan with some girls and it ends happily ever after for me.

General consensus is the boys must lose one of their own tonight. There are only two girls left, it HAS to be an all boy Bottom Three, even through Little Miss T underwhelmed. I’d say in trouble are Jacob, Marty, RunMdC and possibly hopefully fingers crossed The Dud. In fact, I’d be more than happy with Marty or The Dud going home and if it was The Dud and he had to sing a song he got a td for and was STILL going home and therefore Holden had to face up to the fact that his opinion means SHIT? That would be schadenfreudelicous.

When other things seem slightly more important

No Idol blog today I'm afraid kiddies. I had put aside a couple of hours today to write it up but unfortunately the awesome Fosse is currently bedridden in hospital and instead of serving up zingers and putdowns for a reality show about singing, I thought I'd visit my bud instead.*

Have no fear though, tomorrow IS another day and I'll bitch it up for you then. In the meantime, a quick cut throat ramble :

Tarasai Vushe - eh. Cosima did it much much better.
Ben Moppet McKenzie - j'adore. I'd ask him to be the father of my children if he wasn't a child himself.
Mark da Costa - RunMdC hit it out of the park with perfect song choice and perfect execution.
Lana Krost - sigh. I would be waving her bye bye if I didn't think it unfair for a girl to go three weeks in a row, plus her perf wasn't the worst.
Jacob Butler - no, no, no, no, no. Great song, middling execution.
Marty Simpson - boy oh boy, did this suck royally. Should be going home.
Daniel Mehsdud - crap. Hated it, hate him. Still not as bad as Marty though, and also stop screaming for him, you're all giving him delusions of grandeur.
HotCarl Risely - for real? You're scatting during Disco? Fuck. And also, ow at your falsetto.
Matt Newly Anointed One Corby - Holden needs to be stripped of the power of Touchdown if he's going to pointlessly throw it away on a well below par performance. I would have given him one for 'The Scientist' over this.
Natalie That Touchdown Was Mine You Little PUNK Gauci - grrrreat. Beautifully executed, the best of the night and Holden can kiss my ever expanding arse.

Tune in tomorrow for the real thing, which will be laden with hindsight based on who bottom three's tonight - which should be Lana, Marty and Jacob/Daniel. With Marty going home purely because it shouldn't be another girl but Lana, do you see this ice you're skating on? Ooooooooh, isn't it thin . . .

* For those of our nearest and dearest, he's okay but call me if you want more info.

The numbers all go to eleven

Today's title is a quote from the movie This Is Spinal Tap, a brilliant mockumentary taking the absolute living piss out of rock, out of roll and its assorted hanger on-ers. Watching Idol Rock Night this season, well, lets just say that a little Nigel Tufnell or David St Hubbins wouldn't have gone astray. Because honestly, if Matt had maybe pulled out 'Tonight I'm Going To Rock You Tonight' or Brianna had thrown caution to the wind and kicked on with 'Big Bottom', I'd be praying at the altar of Idol. As it is, I'm thinking of sacrificing a chicken or two to ensure that they NEVER DO ROCK ON THIS SHOW AGAIN. Maybe a goat will do it . . . potentially a cow. The twisted soul of Mark Holden? It's a deal. I RACED home from rehearsals and barely made it in time, excited to see who the Idolites would break out; maybe some Wolfmother, Pink, My Chemical Romance, some Garbage, some Jet? I am a woman thoroughly unaware of the CRASHING disappointment about to be rained down on me as I suffer through what must officially be considered the Worst Idol Episode Ever.

But first, a little science courtesy of italktoomuch and the Season Five contestants of Australian Idol going a little way towards explaining why you sit at home completely confused as to why the live audience are losing their collective minds over a perfomance that you thought was at best not as good as Irish's 'Celebration'.

The doppler effect (or why an ambulance sounds completely different coming towards you as it does moving away) : the shift in frequency (Doppler shift) of acoustic or electromagnetic radiation emitted by a source moving relative to an observer as perceived by the observer: the shift is to higher frequencies when the source approaches and to lower frequencies when it recedes.

The Idolppler effect (or why contestant's performances sound completely different to the audience at home then they do the live audience and the judging panel) : when the sound of a contestant screeching horribly through a truly bad song choice bounces through microphones and exits your television speakers shattering the glass on your tabletop and your car windows, it is often perceived differently to when it is observed live. The viewer at home is not subjected to Stockholm Syndrome-like group levels of hysteria, excitement, screaming fangirlies and starstruck-idity and therefore the perception of Idol enjoyment must be based on differing expectation levels. Also sometimes referred to as Touchdown Reservation or Why The Hell Did The Judges Think That Was Awesome, When It Quite Obviously Blew Chunks At A Level Heretofore Not Seen In This Show's History? Occasionally referred to in conjunction with discussion regarding anything DeadtomeOnetrickponyLee Harding did after 'Holiday' that he garnered praise for.

Sigh. I would almost rather rabbit on for pages about DtmOtpLee then actually talk about Rock Night . . . gah. Right. Girding my loins. Let's do it. I was going to talk about the Confidence Coach but . . . oh, I just don't have the energy because Matt Corby is crucifying the first wa-a-aaaaaaah note of Led Zepplin's 'Immigrant Song' and dude, Robert Plant is going to be PISSED. His falsetto is AWFUL and he's raping and pillaging this song horrendously and he drew the Silly Hat short straw this week. Woeful, please make it stop. He does have delightfully divine eyelashes and I feel if he'd maybe wore the eye makeup Malcolm McDowell had in A Clockwork Orange, I would slightly believe that he could be remotely bad ass.

Mark tells him that was way too ambitious but still thinks he's terrific. Dicko was worried about song choice and Matt says he's loved the Zep since he was young - young? He's sixteen. So he loved them what? When he was three? Were they his The Wiggles? Did he come out of the womb humming 'Whole Lotta Love'? Dicko thinks it wasn't exactly the hammer of the gods but that he could get a plus one for Valhalla and REALLY, if a large breasted valkyrie came down riding on the back of a wolf to take him to feast and live forever, young Matt would crap himself. Marcia thought it was seamless for a sixteen year old but Kyle says if he was a pretty, young boy then he would have chosen a good love rock song more geared towards his demographic.

TepidCarl is desperately trying to get back into my good graces because in his package he wears a tight white shirt, ass hugging jeans and eyeliner. I'm melting, I'm melting . . . boy knows my weaknesses. Now Coldplay's 'Clock's' can absolutely rock out because Magni did so on Rockstar Supernova. However, he didn't invest it with a reggae beat and croon it so much as he rocked the living FUCK out of it. TepidCarl sings this quite well and wisely steers away from the Chris Martin falsetto which I fear would prove too much for him but this is pretty lame for Rock Night, dude. Still, at least it's not Waltzing Matilda! And his jawline is magnificent, so welcome back HotCarl!

Dicko shrugs and asks him if that's rock? Man, Dicko would have HATED Bobby Flynn's cavalier approach to theme's last year. He tells HotCarl that he's just being lazy and then makes one of the few sane remarks he'll make all night by telling HC he could have done a Stray Cats song and been brilliant. My god. Can we have a week where Dicko picks EVERYONE'S songs for them? Marcia abdicates all judging responsibility by making the contestant judge themselves. Unsurprisingly HotCarl thought he did okay. Thanks for your time Marcia, your fee for tonight's show will be donated to charity, right? Kyle says he understands he wants to stick to his 'thing' but that it was a bit of a jellyfish, wobbly performance and he no longer wants to be HotCarl's boyfriend as he radiated a boring vibe. Mark thinks it undermines the competition to do a swing(ish) version of a song for Rock Night and just as I'm about to pass out from lack of oxygen because I can't stop screaming at Holden about how he let Bobby get away with fucking MURDER last year - 'Werewolves of London', 'Arthur', 'Rhiannon' motherfucker!! - the lovely Andrew G channels the sane part of me and dryly notes to HotCarl that they let Bobby do whatever they liked last year and ASIO makes a note of G’s support and wipes his file clean.

I have been waiting for YEARS for someone on Idol to do some Supertramp. Brianna Carpenter is not necessarily the contestant I would have chosen to do it. Her performance of ‘The Logical Song’ is heaps better than last week but that’s not really saying a lot, her vocals are really weak and she mangles her higher notes like they borrowed her favourite coloured tights without asking and she’s holding a grudge. Her fringe looks straighter than usual. That’s good . . . right?

Marcia actually critiques her for the second week in a row by reminding her to watch her pitch, that she’s missing the notes with her head voice. But that makes sense. That’s helpful. Who is this woman and what has she done with Mother Marcia? Kyle wastes no time and rends her in two through angrily pursed lips; he hated it, thought it looked and sounded ridiculous. Mark takes his head out of his hands to ask for medication and then tells her – really fucking harshly – to be an individual who sings in tune and I literally recoil from the venom in his voice. Yeah, she sucked royally but guys – chill, okay? There’s no need to make the girl look like she wants to cry on national television. The vitriol doesn’t stop there though, as Dicko goes straight for the jugular – and when Brianna confesses to not being able to adequately hear herself (remembering that most of these guys have only ever done small intimate gigs where foldback and reverb aren’t really an issue, coupled with Brianna’s other hearing problems) he bitchily tells her to resign off the show. It’s a one, two punch and SHE IS DOWN. Mathieson and G look as taken aback as the rest of us and Jimmy notes that it was one of the more brutal judgements they’ve seen. I hated her performance, but man, I feel so very bad for her.

I’m not a big fan of Paolo Nutini’s version of ‘Jenny’ and I’m not Marty Simpson’s biggest fan either so I should hate this. Oh, look at that, I do, I'm so predicatable. Urgh. PGiddy texts me to wonder why the hell Marty didn’t do some Pearl Jam and the Jam would have rocked, awesome call PGid. A little ‘Jeremy’ or ‘Daughter’ would have been great. He rushes ahead of the band at the beginning and then later falls behind, his timing is shit. His singing is one note and dull, and he’s better than he was last week but it’s so marginally miniscule and I just don’t care. He’s dull. Blah. God, this night sucks.

Kyle quite enjoyed it, he thinks Marty gives the same thing every week and yes, he does Kyle and it is bland and tasteless. He’s the sliced tomato on white bread sandwich of Season Five, he doesn't have any salt or pepper, hell, he isn't even toasted. Mark calls it good song choice and that it suited his raspy voice but that he can see the nerves are still Marty’s BFF. Dicko’s second sane remark of the night is to note that he was rushing all over the place with his pace. Marcia recycles her Lisa Mitchell “you’re just missing your guitar, right honey child?” excuse speech but then makes sense when she tells him he needs to trust the band. God. More sense from Marcia? What the fuck is going on?

Lana Hello Krost-ie (™ Scott) is singing one of my favourite Little Birdy songs ‘Come On, Come On’ and COME ON DARLING, ROCK IT THE FUCK OUT, GIVE ME SOME MOTHERFUCKING ATTITUDE, DON’T BE SO FRIGGING PRETTY. Once again, Lana sings well, but overenunciates and is just so damn safe that it irritates me beyond my threshold of pain. A smoky eye, black jeans and a slightly messy ‘do, do NOT a rock chick make.

Although Mark thinks its good to see her trying to attack the song, it makes him all kinds of uncomfortable in his trouser region watching it (I may be reading between the lines a little there). He does rally magnificently to call it ‘as cutting edge as Dicko’s jawline’. Bwah! And while Dicko says it was better, he brings up the fact that there was no steel behind it, he wants her to start roaring like a tiger and that was just a miaow. Marcia asks her to say the line ‘if you and me aren’t trying I don’t see the point’ again and she says it with the sweetest smile on her face and DUDE. She is going to be fucked over by asshole guys her whole life who will treat her like shit as punishment for being so beautiful. Men will break up with her and she will never know why. Lana, honey, call me, I have bitter to spare. Let me teach you. Kyle wants to know where her confidence has gone and you know what? It’s been eaten away by you four wankers and bitches like me. She was TOO YOUNG to be put in the Semi’s. None of this is her fault. It’s YOURS.

Mathieson calls Jacob Butler so damn ready to rock and roll that his hair already smells like cigarettes and vomit – hah! Pay that man more money! Jacob is strapping on his love for the Gallagher Brothers and his best English accent singing voice to perform Oasis’ ‘What’s The Story (Morning Glory)’. His vocals aren’t as tip top as they’ve been and the mimicking of Liam Gallagher’s phrasing is a little annoying but hell, he’s too busy dashing across stage like a maniac to let that bother him. He lets the band do a lot of the work for him but it’s rocker than any of the others have been so far. He THROWS himself across the stage at the end and I flinch in sympathy for his coccyx.

Dicko thinks he is turning into a potential great lead singer for a tribute band but that his performance was ‘knoblike’. Marcia on the other hand, loved it and Kyle says he’s the first person to come out and actually rock it, calling him a chameleon which Dicko POUNCES on asking who does that in the ‘real world’. Mark loved it but also wants him to pull back, not everything has to be full throttle and then he and Dicko practically scream at each other and look, I know that only about 5% is really them fighting and the rest is for the cameras and normally I would want Dicko to put his fist through Holden’s face so hard that his nose reverts to his original form but on this occasion I think he’s wrong. Now, lets quickly move on before I have to think too hard about agreeing with Mark over Dicko . . .

Ooooh, Tarasai I’m Not Arrogant, I’m Just Drawn That Way Vushe is next and if she does some Joan Jett, I will love her forever. She does not, she is instead giving us Otis Redding’s ‘Hard To Handle’ by way of the Black Crowes. She rocks it out of the park, mixing just the right amount of singing and arrogance that the Rock Gods demand. She is the first Idol this season to get down with the people and reclines on the stage at one point with fathoms of Look At Me, I’m GREAT insouciance.

Marcia asks her to selfevaluate and Tarasai tries for Humble, which isn’t quite as convincing as the arrogance was; darling we can see that you think you’re ace, GO WITH IT. Kyle loves her just a little bit more each week, even if he doesn’t think that was her best performance, he just wants her to be rock solid every week because she’s fantastic. Mark really likes that she moved out of her comfort zone and approached Rock Week with 100% commitment. Dicko thinks she may need to go to Rock School and Tarasai barely restrains herself from sneering down her nose – actually, she does sneer a little – as she smirks that she doesn’t think she needs that at all, thank you pasty old middle class dude.

Ben Moppet McKenzie continues to impress me with the rather high levels of adorableness he reaches and is the second contestant tonight to do a Little Birdy song, when did The Kids become Little Birdy fans? Did I miss a memo? I so want him to do well while he sings ‘Bodies’ that I lean forward, mouthing the words with him like a stage mother. He infuses it with a nice set of energy and enthusiasm and his voice is adequately rock . . . ish and then he well and truly hits his strides about halfway through and yay! I like it when he’s good! Go Moppet!!

Kyle makes my skin visibly crawl by calling Moppet ‘poncy’. Grah. Fuck off Sandilands, he might be effete or fey but PONCY, that’s a horrid word, you mangy dog. Mark calls him a real puzzle, a guy with a great voice but who is coming across as Jamie Redfern – and way to play to the Idol demographic there Holden, you dipshit. Dicko kind of laughs that it was more effeminate than the Little Birdy version and says he can’t wait for Disco. Marcia says it was the first time she saw him uncomfortable on stage, he’s usually the most rock solid, but she still loves his voice, calling him the finest and most natural singer of the comp and she loved how he broke it down and incorporated his style AND WHO IS THIS WOMAN AND WHY DOES SHE SUDDENLY MAKE SENSE?

The Daniel Mehsdud Misfud Top Twelve Scarf Watch takes a CRACKING leap forward – there are FIVE different scarves in his package, bringing our total to seven. Daniel is bringing the Hendrix and singing ‘Fire’. He cheesily Callea Points and smirks down the camera as he asks if he can stand next to my fire and good god, no you may not, young man, you may however stand IN it and burn to a tiny-chest-hair-cheesy-fondue-shaped crisp. Ewwwww. I rewatch his performance later, with the sound turned down because I just can’t stand him singing this song and count in total five Callea Points and one Callea Hand Reach. No amount of chest hair will distract Fosse from his writhing pain and Mehsdud tops out his Dead To Me list quite early in the season and I quite frankly would prefer that he goes over Brianna. I’d rather listen to shrill (and I also think she’ll ace Disco next week) then put up with him and his stupid hair, I don’t CARE how damn bouncy it is.

Mark thinks Daniel lit up the stage and hit a lot of the ladies buttons and I still get full body shudders thinking of him staring cheesily down the camera wanting to stand next to my fire, gah. Shake it off, shake it off. Dicko thinks his voice has mellow Hendrix tones and that was a great song choice. Marcia returns to form by stating she loves to see the Idols enjoy themselves and I wonder if she has cameras in the rooms at the mansion. Kyle references Donny Osmond (but at least knows the kids won't get it, Mark) and calls it lame and THANK GOD one of the judges isn’t wearing blinkers when it comes to this guy. He notes it had a churchy feel to it, rather than a rock n roll one but then said it still sounded relatively good and I throw my hands up in the air with despair. Then wave them around like I just don’t care. Because I DON’T.

Natalie Last Girl Standing Gauci is repeat offending the Guns N Roses track ‘Sweet Child Of Mine’ which Taaaaaaaaaaaaarni from Season Three vowelled her way through. She starts off pretty mellow, sitting nicely with her legs together like a good girl in a short skirt on a high seat should and its all very nice but where is the grunt . . . . there it is! She loses some of my love for Callea Pointing and smiling inanely whilst singing but she brings the rock to the ‘where do we go’ bit and then slows it right down for the end. Love her! Love!!

Dicko. Bah. Dicko laments her song choice and calls it soft rock when performed by Natalie. Marcia is as confused as the rest of us that her end of the table is making sense this week and notes that Natalie isn’t a tall, skinny, blonde guy (no Marcia, you’re right, she isn’t. Now put down the gun and let the hostages go, we’ll get you some pizza and we’ll talk about all this craziness together, there’s a good girl – damnit, it’s no fun making fun of Marcia when she’s MAKING SENSE) and that she imbued it with light and shade and referenced it from a girls point of view. Kyle hates hates HATES rock week. He thought he might get some Pink or something modern, but no, it ends up being all this naff old eighties and older rock and he doesn’t like it. Then he picks on her clothing and appears to narrowly miss out on a cracking head butt from Mother Marcia. Mark liked that she started off so sweetly but feels she lost it when the guitars kicked in – huh, I think the opposite and I’m usually right. At least in my lounge room anyway.

The Only Guy Who Must Nail This Weeks Theme Or Be Pointed At And Mocked And Have To Join A Kiddie Band Like High5 To Survive The Indignity, Mark RunMdC da Costa is bringing us some AC/CD. I award points for band choice and then deduct based on song. ‘High Voltage’? I’d have gone with ‘Long Way To The Top’ or I’d have insisted on going first and done ‘For Those About To Rock’. Ha! That would be great and then HILARIOUS in hindsight after tonight’s performances. I know he’s this season’s Rock God but this performance is actually a little underwhelming. There are better AC/DC songs to pick and by GOD, I never actually thought I’d write that in conjunction with Australian Idol. He rock sings (that is to say, screechily bellows) it well but it is also a little too polite. Hell, they’ve all been too polite. Bon Scott’s ghost could kick RunMdC’s ass with one arm tied behind his back. It is still one of the best performances of the night.

Marcia drowns in a sea of her own drool noting that he looks sharp and that’s it, so bye bye Sensible Talking Marcia, she’s done. Kyle acknowledges that it takes a certain kind of man to be able to pull off skinny jeans (and I note that now that he doesn’t want to be HotCarl’s boyfriend anymore, maybe he wants to help RunMdC pull off those skinny jeans, if you know what I mean and I think you do because I’m not being terribly unclear here). Holden says RunMdC is coasting and he wants him out of his comfort zone and Holden you can go backstage and watch Kyle help him out of the jeans if you want to see uncomfortable. Dicko blathers that it took eleven perfs to get a decent rock one and whatever Ian, I’m not listening to you at all tonight, please try not to mix up yours and Marcia’s medications next week, thanks. Mathieson comes out and rock growls at RunMdC and practically makes out with him, G and Kyle just look on jealously.

So. The worst EVER Idol show? I think so. Collectively, a whole heaping stankpile of hooey, with only Moppet, RunMdC, Natalie, Tarasai and Jacob really elevating themselves above it. Realistically based on the last two performances, the bottom two should not be anyone else but Brianna and Mehsdud. Lana did enough to keep herself here for another week and HotCarl and Matt Corby didn’t embarrass themselves enough to lose that many fans. Brianna probably to go, I don’t think even the incredible meanness of the judges and the inevitable viewer backlash will save her.

Twelve is six/eight too many

Right kids, this is it. Top Twelve. You are all eleven cut throats away from a guaranteed number One album and hordes of screaming adoring fans - who granted, will potentially forget your name after the third time they've played your cookie cutter single on their iPods, but still, cool, yeah? So no fucking around, no safe songs, nothing recorded before Ben McKenzie (hereafter referred to as Moppet) was born, nothing twee, nothing basically from the Julia Roberts soundtrack oeuvre. Unless HotCarl does Elvis Costello’s ‘She’ from Notting Hill, or Moppet wants to Moppet up ‘King Of Wishful Thinking’ from Pretty Woman. Hah! That would be ace. Huh. HotCarl is wearing a disappointing and suspicious hat.

Aaagh. Moppet has the unfortunate Up First Spot, I hope that’s not his death knell I hear tolling in the distance. His mum is aDORable and so is his sister. Do they need another family member? G calls the Maroon 5 song ‘Sunday Morning’ a classic, can it technically be classified as a classic when it was only released like three years ago? I have older pasta in the back of my pantry. He starts perched at the back of the new Idol stage that from an aerial viewpoint, vaguely resembles Batman’s underwear. Just me? Right. Anyway, it’s a gorgeous little Moppet-ised stripped down version, he sings it beautifully, soulful and lovely but that dreaded first damn spot – it’s a killer this early in the piece. Will the viewers remember him?

Mark finds it just so impressive that someone so young can be so laid back – he is a seemingly effortless performer – but thinks that was weird song choice and wants more emotional depth from him. Dicko loved his song choice and says he’s setting himself up as Australia’s Favourite Younger Brother and I already have one of those but I’d be totally cool with two. I join the long line of people wanting to adopt Ben. Marcia congratulates him on opening the show – seriously, sucky slot. Kyle calls it perfect song choice and says as crazy, nutty and ADD as he is backstage, he always pulls it into focus when he’s on stage.

I wandered into the kitchen during Mark da Costa’s package so I don’t know if his family rocks, but Fosse assures me his brother was also hot so yay for genetics! MdC is singing ‘Vertigo’ by U2, not my favourite song from not my favourite band but this is high tempo rock and also roll and he performs it well. He gets the occasional scaredy stare and the vocals are a little shouty and ragged AND there’s no need to actually kneel when you get to the bit where you’re singing about kneeling, Mark.

Dicko thought it was slightly mannered – amen Brother Dickson, preach to me – but that he looks a little like a young Keith Moon and he should bring more of that, just with less of the early horrific cliché rock death. Marcia loves him yada yada, she felt that, blah de blah. Kyle thought it was almost too safe and needs him to live it a little more as it looked like he was thinking too much, which frankly is not usually a problem for most rockers, Mark, tuck away the grey matter, no need for it here. Mark loves what he does, the constant surprise as he shows there’s more to him and then G does a little man flirting and gives us Mark’s number. I notice that MdC has dreamy brown eyes (I’m a little fixated on both eyes and dreamy as I saw Hairspray on Friday and perved muchly on the very very young but hot Zac Efron)

Lana Krost sings both ‘Torn’ and ‘Beautiful’ in her package, so its not that surprising that she’s singing a Natalie Imbruglia song ‘Shiver’. What the hell is she wearing? Are they formal shorts? I don’t get kids today or their crazy fashion. Her vocals are a little flat but still very 'pretty' and proper and safe. Her lower register is really quite lacking and she still has no emotional resonance with her material.

Marcia thinks it was a great song choice and is pleased she’s moving away from the theatrical, which, true – there was less of the Musical Theatre Hand Gesturing going on tonight. Kyle also thinks it was better than last time but that he wants to see what her mum sees when she watches Lana sing. Mark calls it a big improvement because she’s not a natural pop singer, he wants her to sing less because she’s holding the notes too long. He also wants her to work on her higher register. Meh, I thought her high was fine, but her low sucked. Dicko rules because he tells her it was another Teacher’s Pet performance and that she has no raw physicality on stage. She does come across a little . . . empty. He calls it a soap star performance, that it’s not real. Dicko and I nod sagely together. We are so wise and allknowing.

Sidebar : Daniel Radcliffe AND Zac Efron? Man, they really want me to watch Rove, don’t they?

The Daniel Misfud Top Twelve Scarf Watch count takes off with a bang with two making an appearance early on in his package. Someone got him high this week because he’s melding Justin Timberlake’s gorgeous pissed off with Britney ballad ‘Cry Me A River’ with some Led Zeppelin. I don’t know what to do with that. If you ignore the fact that he sings it WILDLY badly, the songs actually fit together but his falsetto is JUST so god awful and strained and painful that I just want it to STOP. Irish has obviously taken the Idol Falsetto on tour and is in no hurry to return it because ewww. No. The screaming fangirlies scream screamily. Shut up, you idiots, he was awful, I don’t care how high his hair is.

Kyle reluctantly agrees with me, saying that on paper it sounded awesome but that in reality it was a bit of a mess. Mark shakes his head and notes that there was no soul in it and that you can do a decent job of arranging and make it work for you but not if you’re not working for it also. Dicko says he burns up the screen but that the whole thing just collapsed into a heap a few times and that it ended up a real mess. Marcia loves JT and if she’s sitting in the same section as Shaneequa and I when we go see him in November, I will march over to her and tell her what I’m talking about. She rabbits on about how much the ladies love the JT and yeah Marcia, we do, he has a fucking awesome natural falsetto, he can dance, he has a great sense of humour (please go to YouTube and watch this) and he’s remarkably hot, hence the squillions of dollars and the sex with Cameron Diaz and Jessica Biel.

Oh sweet jeebus, they show HotCarl in his uniform, playing his trumpet AND riding his motorcycle. Guys, you’re KILLING me. Also, continuing the tradition of awesome Idol Parentals, his dad is very cute. I want HotCarl to sing My Funny Valentine SO badly I downloaded Matt Damon doing it from The Talented Mr Ripley soundtrack. Waltzing Matilda? Oh man. Why? No, really, why? I get the patriotic thing, but no. I don’t care how swinging he gets, how cute he is or how well he sings it, it is STILL WALTZING FREAKING MATILDA. And that hat is stupid. The crowd goes nuts? Huh?

Mark tells him his instincts are right on the button. What? Dicko loves the diversity he brings and calls it a great song choice. For real? Am I asleep and this is some horrid Idol shaped dream and not the really nice one I had recently where Mathieson and I had to cuddle together for warmth or something and you guys, Mathieson is a great cuddler and also a really good kisser and I’ve said too much. Marcia ghetto MMMM’s into her microphone and are the judges on crack? What did I miss that made that great? Was I watching the wrong show? Kyle rights all wrongs by telling HotCarl he couldn’t stand it – THANK ALL THAT IS MIGHTY ON THIS EARTH. He calls it naff and HotCarl replies saying he’s showing off his Aussie and if that’s how his freak flag flies, then he should have put on a slouch hat or a baggy green and not that GOD awful trilby thing. I am crushed and have officially downgraded him from HotCarl to TepidCarl.

Holly Weinert and her boyfriend act out Ghost in their pottery barn. Snigger. She's singing . . . what the hell is she singing? The who? The Gossip . . . okay . . . 'scalled what? 'Standing In The Way Of Control' . . . ‘kay . . . she's wearing some 1970's disco queen Olivia Newton John circa Xanadu shiny pants that should be stricken from public consumption but to be fair she is sexily growling the hell out of this song I've never heard of in my life, in a manner that is quite magnificent.

Dicko's eyes pop because he didn't think any of the chicks would give MdC a run for his money in the rock stakes and there she went, but he isn't fond of her song choice, although he notes that her voice has a touch of the Kim Wilde and OHMYGOD, that's who she reminds me of when she sings, yes! This is the only song performed tonight that is NOT one of Marcia's favourites, in fact she's also never heard of it, but she did dig the performance. Kyle tells Holly it was like Patti Newton on crack and both Mark and I need to take a moment because Sandilands? Sometimes it IS worth it having you on the show. Mark loved the visual impact of the perf but calls the song choice a big risk, and harks back to young Reigan Derry's perf last year of a Karnivool song and to be fair Mark, I think Holly’s was a thousand times better than Reigan's where she mis-howled that final note, breaking eardrums nation wide.

Matt Corby was born the same year that I . . . never mind, he’s young, I’m old. Our hair is about the same length and that’s all I think I may have in common with him. He’s doing Coldplay’s ‘The Scientist’ which is a very good song choice for him, gives him lots of opportunity to sing earnestly down the camera, looking beseechingly into the eyes of the Dolly magazine set nationwide while their Hello Kitty mobiles charge in readiness for texting his name. He does have remarkably pretty eyes. I just want to hold him down and clipper his hair. Hey, if TepidCarl wants to upgrade again to HotCarl and retain his patriotism, he can sing ‘Click Go The Shears, Boy’ whilst actually shearing Matt’s hair to a decent length; then we can talk. He sings this really quite well, holding the notes nicely and gives us a decent falsetto. There does seem to be a touch of the nerves, but he’s pulling this off nicely, there is a lovely sense of restraint.

Marcia loved the melodic simplicity and execution of it. Kyle goes WAY overboard by urging everyone to stand and applaud because Matt is such a star. Mark is beside himself that this year’s Dean Geyer is actually pretty damn talented and lauds him for being a sixteen year old who can just walk out and pitch straight into a great falsetto and feel the lyric the way he did. Dicko hunches down in his seat because he knows he’s about to be VERY unpopular – he doesn’t want to rain on everyone’s parade but when Chris Martin sings that song he infuses it with tension and Matt stripped it completely of that and made it really loungey. I don’t know, I’m okay with Matt’s take on it Dicko. Matt replies that he’s not Chris Martin and he’s not married to Gwyneth Paltrow with two rather silly named children and he’ll sing it how he likes and then also name his daughter Fork Manual and his son Chair DVD if he wants, so there.

Hey! Natalie Gauci is bossy – is she a virgo? I’ll bet she is. They show her as a kid wearing the most adorable little pink tutu just to prove that she has always been freaking gorgeous. She’s singing Powderfinger’s ‘On My Mind’ and she’s given it a from-the-soundtrack-of-Robert-Rodriguez’s-latest-movie-set-in-Mexico feel. The arrangement is great, her singing is top notch and it’s all very sleek and slick and I feel Bernard and the rest of the Finger boys would be well chuffed with this. However, she is wearing what are quite possibly the ugliest shoes on the planet that shorten her legs and make her look about two feet tall. She rocks the end out. Niiiiiiiice.

Kyle thinks it was excellent, that it looks sexy and that the vocal was great. Mark says he loves it when a woman takes on a man’s song and takes it somewhere new. Dicko loves how she always puts a twist on pop songs and looks like he just holds back from growling approvingly at her as he tells her it was the best performance so far. Marcia loves her some Finger (dirty) and says they helped Natalie find her mojo, which is good because Nat’s had fliers up and was offering a reward for the safe return of that. G simperingly smiles at her that he also thinks Bernard would have dug that – he is SO besotted with her, its very cute.

You know, Jacob Butler is turning out to be cuter then I ever remembered him being on X Factor. He’s wearing a gorgeous plush red coat and singing The Killers’ ‘When We Were Young’. He’s borrowed some spazzy dance moves from Jack Brynes and actually this performance reminds me of Lukas Rossi, the Season Two winner of Rockstar – not that Lukas ever did this song, I think that was Toby. It’s actually a pretty infectious performance and I like it – great vocals!

Mark wants his jacket back. He loved the song choice and says the best thing is that Jacob is starting to sing with his eyes as well as his voice, which is hard because often the only note your eyes can hit is high C. I’m so sorry. Dicko was worried because he loves the song and was initally concerned because Jacob needs to stop being a contestant and start being an artist, but says that the performance was a revelation. Marcia’s Favourite Song List jumps up to five thousand six hundred and eighty two with the addition of ‘WWWY’. Are there ANY songs this woman doesn’t like? Can someone rock out Nine Inch Nails song ‘Closer’ as a litmus test? Kyle hopes that the audience at home got as much out of the performance as those in the studio did because he’s the real deal. Mathieson and G also seem to really like him, there’s a real warmth when they’re reading out his numbers.

Belting baby Tarasai Vushe is diva-ing up Alicia Keyes number ‘If I Were Your Woman’ and I pre-emptively rolled my eyes. Also, she looks a little too much like a fourteen year old for me to be entirely comfortable with her doing this . . . until she starts singing and damn. It’s amazing. Holy effing crap. Do I like this season’s Screaming Belter? The hell? She holds back on the gymnastics and just sings the song and that’s the kind of belting I like. And I know she’s only tiny, but by god, her mouth is HUGE. When she’s powerhousing her mouth takes up three quarters of her face. Nice teeth and gums, Tarasai.

Dicko finds it gratifying that she built the song, structuring it nicely and making her way up to the big notes. Marcia just looks like a proud mama and clucks happily. Kyle says he just can’t wait for Australia to really get to know the backstage Tarasai because she’s a strange one. And really really short. Mark is still not quite ready to let go of Emily Williams and berates Tarasai for being pitchy. The hell? I immediately phone Shaneequa who has a much better ear for that then I do and she concurs. Obviously my stunned and shocked state at finding myself actively liking The Screaming Belter has deafened me to the flaws in that performance.

Marty I’d Rather Be Surfing Simpson didn’t listen to my instructions earlier in the show and is doing an OLD song by The Police, ‘Can't Stand Losing You’. He really loves that whole rasta pop thing and it’s a shame he chose this song because his voice naturally lends itself to John Butler, in fact it may actually be borrowed from John Butler who is currently in shock at being without the facility of speech. It does not translate to Sting in any way whatsoever and this is basically a dull performance of a dull song. It’s still better then Misfud though.

Marcia asks him if that was okay and of course it wasn’t Marcia, you saw it, right? She tells him not to let his nerves blow this for him. Kyle says it got lost a few times and although he liked the song choice he can see that there’s something breaking him at the moment. Marty answers that he’s missing his git-ar and Kyle barks back that he needs to get rid of that failing. You know, OR they could just bloody let them have their instruments from the beginning. Whatever you bring into the original audition, you should be able to carry it through to any performance you want, damn it. Mark wants him to tell a story and blathers about surfing and I zone out until Dicko speaks. Dicko thinks he was one of the most unique voices in the Top 12 but that he’s so laid back he’s horizontal and needs to get perpendicular. I don’t know about that, I don’t think being too laid back is his issue, I think the nerves are killing him.

They show wacky Brianna Carpenter playing her gorgeous original song ‘Jacqueline’ again in her package and I tell you, she isn’t going to win this show but I would buy a CD of her original stuff right freaking now because that song is LOVELY. Tonight she is singing one of my all time favourite songs, the Beach Boys classic (yes, G, this one IS a classic), ‘God Only Knows’. She starts off a capella and the beginning is kind of nice, her voice floats around in the atmosphere and it’s not too bad. But then it gets kind of bad. Sigh. The Courtjester, Courtney Murphy, sang this in Season Two and had me in tears, he was so good. This almost has me in tears for entirely different reasons. She significantly messes up some notes, and sounds ear blisteringly over sharp at times. Oh Brianna.

Kyle shakes his head and opines that it hurts him to say it, but he didn’t mind it although it did run off the rails a few times. Mark loves her originality but picks up on the pitchy bits, noting that she dropped more than a few bum notes. Dicko is over her cutesy acting already and wants her to stop it and just sing. Marcia says she loves her quirkiness (because it means she won’t last long, right Marcia?) but warns her to watch her pitch and I can already see the gleeful hatred creeping into Marcia’s eyes.

Standouts : Moppet, Jacob, Holly, Natalie, Matt and Tarasai. To go? Probably one of the girls – Holly maybe, even though if we were going off tonight's performances it would be Daniel Misfud, bringing the Daniel MisfudTop Twelve Scarf Watch to an abrupt and early end. But I don’t think it will be one of the guys, they usually have a lot of support at this point, although Joseph Gatehau did go this early last year . . . so fingers crossed it's Misfud or Marty. NOT MOPPET. Go vote for Ben now kids . . .

Aces are high, the judges too . . .

It’s Wildcard! Or we can call it by its official name, ‘Sausage Fest Plus Two Chicks and Marcia: 2007’, as once again, they have stacked the competition by putting mainly boys through to the Wildcard round – now I understand fully and completely the need to look at pretty pretty boys as they serenade me with their pretty pretty voices, I am a total girly sap who melts at the mere thought of my current guy wooing me with a sweetly sung song about us, together, forever. And in lieu of there being a current boy singing at me who does not live inside my television, I’m more than happy to live vicariously through Idol, convinced that G is flirting with me, knowing that Dicko and I could find True Love if only he was twenty years younger and if he never saw Holden again, sighing over that lovely Irish boy with his succulent falsetto . . . I totally get all that and I’m happy to have Mark da Costa and HotCarl immediately forwarded through to the Top 12. But Dave Andrews? Look, he’s cute and all, but no, this spot was reserved for Cheray Doughty. And Husny Thalib? He’s funny and cute in a fey, pirate-y way but this spot was reserved for either Jesse Curran or Sally van der Zwarte. In no known universe should those two boys have taken the spot of any of those incredibly talented lasses and I could smack both Holden and Dicko for putting them through. It is OFFICIALLY time for the show’s control to be HANDED OVER TO ME. Thank you.

First Odd(ie)-ly dancing cab off the rank is Jack I Like Him So Shut Up Byrnes who is putting his own little soul patch imprint on to the Doobie Brothers classic ‘Long Train Running’, which I would have sworn was called ‘Without Love’, proving I know SHIT about music history and DO need to take Prof Dicko’s Class On Stuff You Should Know About The Music Industry. Just watching Jack’s high octane energetically spazzy performance is exhausting me. He gets a little too into the groove and loses his vocal control slightly in places but this song has the coolest guitar riff and he’s just a really good singer and it, hell it just works. Weirdly, but it works.

Mark loves his energy and thinks he’s imminently likeable but feels he’s only three quarters of the way along and is just singing the song and not telling a story – he’s only three quarters of the way? Dude, another quarter may just KILL him. Dicko marvels at the little niche corner of the Idol market Jack is carving for himself, the white soul boy niche, and thinks he picks great songs (he really does) but that he’s still lacking that last bit of finesse, and that his movements around the stage reminded him of an old lady winning at bingo. Marcia’s uppers haven’t kicked in yet and she gets what the guys are saying and rather sensibly tells him he needs to find a place, even within an energetic performance, to be still within himself – as a performer, this actually makes a lot of sense, you can be losing your shit magnificently on stage but you still need to be able to draw back and see your own performance, otherwise you become horridly self indulgent. Rather like these essay length recaps . . . annnyway, Kyle thinks he’s only about five percent off and that he gets up there and LIVES LARGE. If Jack doesn’t get the audience vote, I hope the judges put him through.

Husny Thalib NOT dancing madly across stage like he has a live badger down his pants and instead standing stock still and emoting? Doesn’t work. Mostly because he has one arm stiffly held at his side like he’s had his hand chopped off in a fight to the death against a vampire with a soul and then this evil law firm he works for gave him another hand, an eeeevil hand that moves as though independent from his body, throttling the innocent and slapping babies, so he’s gaffa taped it to his side to keep it from hurting anyone. (God, I miss Angel). Anyway, Husny’s singing is nice and sweet but wholly unremarkable. His version of Blessed Union of Soul’s ‘I Believe’ is passionate but just not good enough or wacky enough. Katisha on TWoP noted that he’s very Eurovision and she’s TOTALLY right – if Australia ever gets to compete in that competition, Husny is Our Man.

Dicko talks about the bumfight there was on the judging panel when Mark said he was putting Husny through, that Mark thinks Husny has star quality – and Dicko sees it, but he thinks it might be better suited to fashion rather than performing and that he has to work really hard, for very little. Harsh, but fair. Marcia was really impressed with his performance and thinks the voting public may love him more than Dicko thinks. Kyle tells him that as lovely as he is, that it just doesn’t work for this show, if it was Nice Guy Idol, he would win (Dave Andrews later completely throws Husny to the ground and takes pole position for that title). Mark loves Husny’s stage presence because he burns up the camera. He calls the performance straight from the heart and thinks people will either love him or hate him.

G’s sneakers are incredibly white.

HotCarl Risely is Harry Connick Jr-ing a version of The Everly Brother’s ‘Bye Bye Baby’. This song really showcases his range quite nicely and I love his scat throw to the band – however, he doesn’t capitalise on it and the physical movement actually leaves him a little breathless and his voice weakens, but he rallies for a lovely ending – although the scat trumpet goes on a little too long.

Marcia is SO in love with this boy, she raves about his flavour (he looks like he might taste like toffee . . . just me? Right.) and tells him he’s so smooth and cool, it’s dynamite. Kyle is SO in love with this boy, he tells him he looks exactly the part but that he needs to make more ‘sexy face’ and to demonstrate gives HotCarl a ‘come to bed’ look and my ovaries literally just shrivelled up and DIED. But then HotCarl does it back and they SPRING back to life – hallelujah! Mark thinks he looks great on screen but that his personality isn’t coming through and tells him he needs to sing the song to someone – ooooh, I volunteer!! Me!! Sing to me HotCarl!! Dicko hopes that HotCarl hasn’t left his run too late because he’s just getting to where he needs to be, but don’t do the scat again – that way madness lies and he gets enough of the gobbledegook from Holden. Dicko brings up Axle Whitehead from Season One whose scat was NEVER as good as HotCarl’s Dicko, so why compare, why bring him into this, why ask where it’s left Axle now? Why? Purely so that Mathieson can dryly note that Axel isn’t on tv anymore because he scatted, but because he got his knob out (which he did - for those not aware, Axle flashed his tackle at the Aria's a few years back, although apparently just his balls and not his actual penis. I'm sorry for sharing this with you and just as sorry that I once YouTubed it). HAH! Brilliance, and funnier still because the person with their finger on the cough button mistimes James’ use of the word knob and ends up bleeping out the word ‘on’ instead. I giggle throughout the next set of commercials in hysterics.

Sarah Lloyde is, oh good god, she’s going to try Xtina’s ‘Candyman’. Ouch. Xtina really harmonises that song with her own voice, you’re actually hearing multiple Xtina backing vocals all at once, Sarah and the backing singers just don’t cut it. And frankly if you don’t have Benji from So You Think You Can Dance, swing dancing with you, what’s the point? She hits the right mix of cheeky mingled with wide eyed blonde Monroe sexuality but there doesn’t feel like there’s enough actual singing in this, it’s just like when Anthony Callea did ‘Carwash’ and it was a song of him just going ‘oooooh, aaaaaahhhh Car Wash, Car Wash, ooooooh aaaaaaaah’. I don’t know if this is the performance to get her through over Natalie Gauci, who is her only real competition here, if the public doesn’t put through a girl, the judges will and based on tonight I think it would be Natalie over Sarah.

Kyle knows she has a great voice – we all do – but calls it disappointing, too many holes and all he could hear were the BV’s. Mark also applauds the backing vocals and calls them primo and then asks her how SHE thought she went and that’s never a good sign, Sarah. She thinks it was just under what she could do and Mark thinks, of course, that that song should have had the male portion of the panel needing defibrillation and that she turned sassy into safe and then lapses into trademark Holden Babble, saying it didn’t burn his bippy/bibby – we need a Holden dictionary so I know how to spell the bullshit he comes out with, honestly. Dicko says that is a TOUGH song to do and talks about the massive amount of production value there is on that song – I’ve seen Xtina do it on the Grammy’s or the MTV awards, something, she was wearing this great white suit and a jaunty hat, and even she didn’t pull this song off. Dicko compares the video and type of song it is to being almost a period musical theatre piece. He really wants her to ahead but tells her its about picking the right song for her and her target audience. Mark can’t shut up about her connection with the song and understanding the lyric but he’s just so fucking snide about it, so Dicko patiently explains that because of her ‘journey’, they know she has the raw material to invest her songs with raw emotion. Marcia tells her she’s pretty as a picture and calls her courageous to try that song on. She also says Sarah needs to split the difference between the dancing and the singing to make sure she doesn’t overload her breathing and why is Marcia making sense today?

Dave Andrews, whose song choice has previously been safe and a little dull, is sticking with what he knows best, because he’s doing ‘Dolpins Fucking Cry’ by Live. God. Didn’t Dave just turn out to be remarkably vanilla flavoured. His lower range fails him and this is just not going to cut it, dude. He tries to rock it out but doesn’t even pebble. Mark da Costa must be stifling a grin because no one is taking the Rock off him . . .

Mark sighs that they really like him but the problem with that was ambitious song choice (ambitious? Huh, my dictionary says ‘boring’, we need the same version Mark, mine is a Websters) and he name checks Vanessa Amorosi because she used to sing it and Vanessa and Mark are Bestest Buddies because he once managed her right into obscurity, but nonetheless that’s a tough ass song to try and Dave still has too much to work on because that was well out of his depth. Dicko sits Dave down and tells him a bedtime story about Fool’s Gold and how Marcia once told him some performers have one really golden performance in them and that is it, after that they are empty ciphers and Dicko never really believed that until Dave. Marcia disagrees because she saw that Dave dug that and AI is a learning process and the people you work with help you blossom and Dave is a beautiful flower or some such bollocks. Kyle thinks he’s gone from being a contender to underperforming and some contestants get to this stage and slip and Dave has landed on a snake and not a ladder. Dave compounds on his personal awesomeness by saying how hard it is and how honest the judges are and how brilliantly talented everyone is and the respect he has for them and I awwwwwwww from my living room because he is a really decent guy. And then G calls him Dave Anderson instead of Andrews and Mathieson nods that its good that Holden got his prerequisite Vanessa A reference out of the way early this year and I giggle more because that’s what I said, James! Let’s have dinner!

Big haired scarf wearing Daniel Misfud has the blandest taste in music because he’s singing Roachford’s blahfest ‘Lay Your Love On Me’; sans scarf but with an ALMIGHTY plethora of chest hair and Fosse isn’t home to watch this but when he sees it he’s going to bankrupt himself to get Daniel into the Top 12 where he can further prove his hirsuteness because Fosse likes a hairy man. Daniel once again sings well but he’s just uninspiring and slightly insipid. And his habit of smiling like a chipmunk while he sings just bugs.

Dicko finds it gratifying that a contestant is listening to them and his conversation with Daniel about building architecture (fuck, I love the way he puts that) within his songs so he has somewhere to go and that Dicko’s girls told him not to bother coming home if he was mean to Daniel but he’s being nice even though they forgot Father’s Day. Oh, that’s not right. Not even some burnt toast and weak tea in bed? Adopt me Dicko, I can operate the Big Girl’s Stove, I’ll do you some bacon and eggs with garlic mushrooms and tomato and my coffee is GREAT! Marcia is a huge fan of the song and is glad he started mellow and built it and I just don’t get the judge-y love they give him but there it is – if he doesn’t get in through audience vote, he’s a shoo-in for Judge’s Choice. Kyle also adores him and calls it the kind of performance that will get him to the Opera House. Yeeeeeeeaaah, just not seeing it kids. Mark thinks he’s a contender but that there’s a mechanical-ness about what he’s doing (thank you!) and like Jack, he’s singing across the notes and still only hitting about 95-98%. Eh, I think Jack’s a better performer and singer.

Hot tamale Natalie Gauci is making her original semi final perf up to me by doing ‘Feeling Good’ and she even names the original chanteuse Nina Simone and her version and not Michael Buble’s (although, that is also an AWESOME version). She croons and makes sweet love to the first bit until she gets to the big, hip swaying, heart pounding, blood thumping finale and she rips it to shreds and drops it at our feet and DARES us not to worship her. I immediately obey and salaam in her direction.

Marcia lets loose with her first official ‘that’s what I’m talking about’ of the season, huzzah! Her vocal gymnastics were nice and tasteful and at the end she held a nice strong note, props. Kyle notes the HUGE difference from last time because she was comfortable and it was a great song choice and he LOVED it. Mark asks if her song choice was a statement about getting a second chance and he could really feel it, she was a total breath of fresh air. It was surprising, brave, her vocal control was incredible and had pure, sweet and strong notes. Dicko loves her brilliant ability to pick songs that are just left of centre enough. He loves her but hates her wardrobe, noting that when he sees her during the week she’s comfortable and looks great, like a muso but she gets on stage in some dodgy gear. G has the biggest fucking crush on her because he kind of sidles up and blushingly tells her she looks fantastic and that her performance was smoking. And then he makes out with her with his eyes. She is scorchingly hot. I approve of this crush, G.

Natalie Gauci and Mark da Costa could have the most adorable brunette children EVER, oh! And they should totally adopt Moppet Ben McKenzie too! Mark is rejigging a song he already did at the Seymour Centre, ‘Evie Part One’ and frankly, Chris Murphy needed his guitar, a bigger crowd and his patented Jack Black head flick to make this work and Mark juuuuust misses. His singing is great, but he goes to leap off the stage and looks disappointed that there’s no way for him to crowd surf the family and friends sitting courtside. But his singing is good enough to surely get him through, as a rock dude or chick we must have and so far, we don’t.

Kyle calls him one of the best rock singers we’ve got but couldn’t hear his high notes because the crowd was too loud – poor Nanna Sandilands. Mark really wants him to get through so he can truly Perform with a proper sized audience and I must agree that will kick ass. Dicko thinks the AI audience is only just waking up to him and that he’s putting the fear of god into the current Top Eight, saying how we’ve all just seen a GREAT perf from Natalie but that he thinks Mark is the best performer in the comp. Marcia just loves his energy – careful Mark, she’s like a basilisk, if you look directly at her she’ll stun you into a coma and suck you dry. She notes that he knows how to really work the room and chose one of the best rock songs in the world – eh, I think Evie only works live, recorded versions make me switch channels, it’s an overly dull long song. She loves what he brings to the comp, yes Marcia, his sweet sweet lovely tasting energy, mmmmm . . .

And that’s it. Last ditch chance’s done and dusted. There are five performers who should realistically go through – Jack, Sarah (on her previous perf), HotCarl (on this one), Natalie and Mark. If ANYONE puts Husny through over these five, one of whom is going to miss out anyway, I shall be wearing my Cranky Face ALL day tomorrow.

(Unless they pull another Roxanne LeBrasse and put all five of them through . . . please?)

You still get no dessert.

Right. Australia you may come out of your room as we are off to a good start, well done, your bedroom looks nice and clean and Moppet Ben McKenzie is first announced through. He is adorably pleased. He shuffles off (adorably) to the other current Top 12 Alumnus and is engGULFed in a group hug – he’s so tall that his head sticks (adorably) out the top and he (adorably) smiles. (He also breathes adorably and his heart rate is quite cute too.)

But ohhhhh nooooo, you are SO still grounded and also no tv for you for a week and ALL your phone privileges are suspended because did we not just have a talk about this? Did we not JUST discuss the putting through of weaker performers over stronger? Marty Simpson? Really? Are you testing me, young country?? Are you? Because I will TURN this season around and we will go back to 2006 when Irish was king AND I WAS HAPPY. And if you REALLY push me? Back to Season Three we shall go and you can suffer through Emily The Cold and DeadtomeOnetrickponyLee again and DON’T think I won’t do that.

Bah. Wildcard, Jack. Wildcard, Mark. Or shit will be rained down upon you all.

Sarah Grimly Determined Third Times A Charm Lloyde is taking a HUGE chance on what is one of the biggest, hardest songs to sing, ‘And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going’ – the song that won Jennifer Hudson an Oscar and which can really only be truly performed by four people; Jennifer Holliday, who sang this number as the original Effie from the Broadway Cast of Dreamgirls; JHud herself; Bianca Ryan, eleven year old wunderkind who rocked it amazingly on America’s Got Talent Season One; and Jake Gyllenhenhall that time on Saturday Night Live when he donned a wig and dress and belted it in his opening monologue. Sarah gives this version a Sarah McLachlan sliiiiide up into the note thing for the first part and then she gets growly and emotional and PUMPS it into the ceiling. In the sparse time they’re given to perform, she manages to infuse her performance with the desperation and neediness of the lyric and at the very end when she is BEGGING you, telling you that yes, you, YOU, you’re GOING to love me, she borrows last season’s Eyebrows of Determination and Grit from Ricky Muscat and clenches her jaw triumphantly when she nails the last note. Yowzah. Great performance, BIG song and memorable - which is necessary at this point – but the big question is does the Aust public think we need another belter in the comp when we already have Tarasai?

Mark worries about why she did that song given her age, because as a vocal exercise and to show her skill and control it was great, but he tells her she’s too young to sing that particular song – and I’m the first to leap to the defence of songs sung by too young Idols, LANA – but I totally got the emotional range from her on this one, Mark. Dicko backs me up and reminds us that Sarah has tried numerous times to get as far as she has and he was thinking of the hell of a journey she’s been on and if that’s the song she wants for her coming out party, grammy winning, Oscar winning, goosebump inducing song then that’s what she should sing and she DID give him goosebumps. Marcia also has the bumplies on her arm and talks about little Bianca Ryan and how she – an eleven year old – sings the bejesus out of that number and she thinks that Sarah absolutely pushed herself and did it. Kyle questions if she’s ever had her heart broken, trampled, been dumped etc and of course she has, so he thinks its fine. It was a tough decision and he thinks she’s ready and if she continues to make great song choice she’ll do well. Sarah promises to give Mark goosebumps next time and I know where we can get some dry ice for that, Sarah.

Morgan Who? Hosking has performed the entire back catalogue of George songs at her auditions, so instead she’s giving us Alanis Morissette’s ‘You Learn’ and this is SO not the song to be doing at this point, especially when you’ve already been edited out of the competition, Morgan. Her package shows she has a lovely higher vocal range and she’s going with the flat, nasally tones of Alanis? Sigh. There is a tremulous quality to her voice when she starts singing, that are obviously the product of nerves. There is some serious fear in her eyes and she doesn’t rock this remotely. She needed to give a performance that absolutely solidified who she was in people’s minds because we don’t know who she is at all and this is just not it.

Dicko tells us he’s been her biggest supporter and needed her to deliver big time – he says her perf was okay, but not ‘it’. He wanted her to be this year’s rock chick and he felt like Alanis wasn’t modern enough – I don’t know about that Dicko, Jagged Little Pill is a classic album of a pissed off chick. That shit is timeless. Marcia agrees with me (ugh) that Alanis still speaks to young women but that she heard Morgan’s nerves, her breathing was raggy and obvious. Kyle tells her she nearly got to where he wanted her to go but that it was disappointing. Mark sits in his idiotic silence for a moment thinking how best to knock Dicko’s favourite girl, before he theatrically groans and spits at her that she was all over the place, karaoke and the worst performance of the week. Ass. Morgan and G dance a little tension breaking jig as G sings ‘happy happy joy joy’. Morgan does not rush across the stage and spike her stiletto into Mark’s jugular. Wish fulfilment, it never works . . .

Seriously funky Holly Weinert is tackling Faith No More’s rendition of ‘Easy’ and she has me hook, line and sinker by the middle of the second line. She has such a cool, husky guttural tone to her lower notes, it slides deliciously down my spine. This is a very fun arrangement too – I can just hear it playing over the closing credits of the latest Drew Barrymore/Adam Sandler rom-com. Love it.

Marcia tells her that was great song choice and she remained herself. Kyle cops to previously finding her plain and boring but says she was on fire with that song and asks her if she’s been dipped in a bath recently – to be fair, she has done something FABULOUS with her hair since we saw her last. Mark lauds her arrangement and says she brought in the 21st Century Woman version of that song – and that’s TOTALLY the title of Drew’s movie and the song’s playing over the trailer now as well. Dicko tells her that was something really different that she did with that song and then proceeds to tell us how Lionel Ritchie wrote that song at 3.07pm on a warm lazy day in September at this tiny little café, just before he ordered a soy latte with a hint of cinnamon and just after he saw a cloud that reminded him of the colour green . . . we get it, Dicko. You know more about music and it's roots then the idiot they replaced you with who still sits down the other end of the panel and I LOVE you for it, I do, but you’re starting to get that teeniest tiniest bit . . . annoying about the whole thing. Just tell her she’s great – she is – and that you loved it – he did.

Mystery Meat contestant Madison Pritchett is officially our youngest contestant AND she has a pony! Yay! She’s singing Avril Lavigne’s ‘When You’re Gone’. Boo! She hits the occasional flat note and has no real sense of stagemanship and lacks experience, which shows as she wanders all over the place a little aimlessly. Her voice isn’t bad but it is a little reedy and thin around the upper register and this is all just a bit blah. Like Morgan before her, she needed to nail this bastard to the wall and get our attention but she hasn’t done that and I suspect most people will forget her within five minutes of her walking offstage.

Kyle opens with how great she looks but he was waiting for something more, he’s officially over ballads – huzzah! Me too! Unless Moppet is doing them, you know I feel that may be the secret to everything I hate, get Ben to sing it and I’ll miraculously love it – ooh, lets try this. Ben? Sing some Pussycat Dolls in the Top Twelve as a test. Mark thinks she’s a total sweetheart, and that her low tones are strong but says once she got into the higher range that she wasn’t hitting the notes solidly – he tells her she’s close but not quite ready yet – gee, a sixteen year old? Not ready yet? Do tell! Maybe . . . just maybe . . . you should think about bringing the age limit up to eighteen – anyone? Yes? Dicko says she lights up the room but his bugbear is mine, the freaking entry age on this show. He acknowledges it must be frustrating that they set the limit that sixteen year olds can enter but that they would have to market her almost as a child prodigy – hey, it worked for Nikki Webster. And in two years she can pose for Zoo Weekly. Marcia signs the papers giving ownership of Madison over to Australia, saying it's up to us to decide and you know what, it’s not that easy Marcia, there are procedures, there are forms to fill out and meetings with counsellors before we can take her off your hands. Has she had all her shots? Can we get a certificate that she’s roadworthy?

Brianna Carpenter owns a hell of a lot of crazy vintage dresses and tinkles a mean set of ivories. However, I feel she owns too many sets of coloured tights and I am putting my foot down regarding them. The foot! Is down! I love Regina Spektor’s song ‘Fidelity’ and that ‘ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahhhhahahahah’ thing? Is fucking hard to do and sound GOOD at the same time, my friend. Brianna sounds good. The playacting she does with the audience and the facial expressions are just a wee bit over the top for me (and I’ve seen amateur productions of The Mikado) and when she sings about the voices in her head, I fear I believe her. But her vocals are pretty spot on and I do so love the very funky ‘break’ she has in her voice.

The voices in Mark’s head liked her too – except for the really angry one, that one still wants to just kill (KILL!) someone, preferably the guy sitting to his left. The personality currently inhabiting Mark hopes that she took Australia along with her on her musical, delicious, quirky, kooky, perky ride (and I’ve said this before but kook is the best tasting word in your mouth – take a moment now and say it out loud – kook). Dicko thinks she brought the fun and the joy but that she needs to be careful, if she brings The Crazy every single week, she’ll lose the mainstream Idol audience completely. Marcia who hated Chanel with every fibre of her being and Chanel was NEVER as overtly quirky as Brianna is, says she loves that theatrical side and how do you do that song straight, you can’t and I scream at her until I pass out in a blinding rage because I still haven’t forgiven her for hating on Chanel so much. Brianna notes she tried to do it straight in rehearsal and people just shook their head, pursed their lips and said “no, you need to bring the nutty and wear that Queen of Hearts dress and if you also endorsed the chopping off of Holden’s head, well, all the better really.” The BEST bit is when Kyle calls her Beetlejuice and says it’s great but that he just doesn’t get that kind of ‘thing’ and she makes THOUSANDS of people happy by saying she wouldn’t expect him to get it and although she doesn’t quite mean it in the “burn” Michael Kelso sense, it is still mindshatteringly awesome. G tells her it’s sometimes nice when an artist can go to places where they can’t and then Mathieson dryly notes that that was worthy of the price of admission, just seeing Kyle lost for words. Then they both make sure they have enough money on their phones so they can vote a few hundred times each for her.

Rosie Posey Ribbons wants to see if she can be the first performer this semi final season who performs last and doesn’t get in. So she’s singing REMs ‘Everybody ouch the pain the pain this song just goes on and on but at least the clip was cool and so was this song until Party of Five ruined if for me and I just hated Bailey so much it Hurts’ and she’s singing the Charlotte Church version or something because its even slower then it normally bloody is. She also has Diva Hand, where the hand not holding the microphone is held up in a Stop traffic pose and she’s head bobbing at the microphone like she’s about to give it a blow job. And she’s Trilling for Britain. Sing the fucking note on the page as it is written, GOD.

Dicko is confused. What kind of artist does she want to be? Rosie’s really into K T Tunstall right now (and for the love of god, then why didn’t she do ‘Suddenly I See The Devil Wears Prada With Ugly Betty’ or ‘Black Horse, Cherry Tree’?) because she’s moved towards contemporary as she’s gotten older and boyoboy was that EVER the wrong word to use. Dicko pounces on her age because she’s only 24 but it can be argued that she looks . . . slightly older. And she really needs to start thinking about what kind of artist SonyBMG can flog her as and we already have an old Diva and actually, it's her turn to speak. Marcia says she’s going to be as honest as she can, which usually means she hates your guts, stand back Rosie – and oooooh, it turns out Marcia is recording a new coaster and she’s done that song. Ouch. Mother Marcia doesn’t like to share . . . she says she liked it but that the licks were ridiculously too much, back away from the licks, and get to the meaning of the song – and I guess we take from that that Mother Marcia’s version of this song will melt your eyelids, you’ll cry so much feeling her emotion. So it’s not a disco version? Disappointed. Kyle says she sung it well but that he just gets a big boring vibe from her and – always happy to help twist the knife that little bit further – she does look old. Mark’s eyes practically roll back in his head when he mentions the vocal gymnastics, there was also too much slow vibrato and on every line?! No. She gave it no real compassion and it was just professional karaoke. Rosie is gracious in the sweltering smack down of defeat and continues to be quite likeable and personable as she talks to the boys and you can see the interviewing experience from UK Idol has stuck, she’s very good and natural with them.

Well. I would imagine Sarah and either Holly or Brianna would go through – but seeing as someone I like and someone I’m bored by has gotten through on a weak performance every single effing night – that it will be Sarah and Rosie. Sadly, I don’t think Morgan or Madison will get in, nor do I expect them to be allocated one of the eight Wildcards. Those Wildcards should be Mark da Costa, Jack Byrnes, Daniel Misfud, Cheray Doughty, Sally van der Zwart, HotCarl Risely which leaves two places for Holly or Brianna if they don’t go through and maybe . . . I don’t know . . . Dave Andrews? I still want them to bring back Dewayne Everett-Smith.

You suck.

Tut tut.

Australia, dear foolish, misguided stupid Australia. You suck. No, really. You suck. I mean, I get it, I do – Lana is cute, she is in fact unbelievably pretty and don’t get me wrong, she can sing. This isn’t a Laura Gissara situation where a rather mediocre and at times painful singer has been put through to the Top 12 on a pity vote and we’ll be punished week after week as she caterwauls her way through the back catalogue of My Favourite Songs Which I Can Never Ever Listen To Again, Thanks. No. Lana has a good, if slightly unremarkable voice and if she can shake the whole Musical Theatre thing that she’s currently got going, then she might do well, but putting her through over Cheray? Or Sally? You suck, you totally and utterly suck and I’m not talking to you at the moment. Put Ben through tonight and we might be able to try and work this out. Maybe.

Softly spoken pocket rocket Tarasai is put through first and thanks everyone for voting for her - someone may have spoken to her about alienating the Idol watching portion of the audience who don’t want her own personal Jesus shoved down their own personal throats because she wisely leaves Him right out of it. G goes to read out the next name and Mathieson already looks ticked off about what’s coming and even Lana is surprised she got through. She is lovely and gracious to the other girls because she obviously legitimately thought one of them would go through and I can’t dislike her for this, I don’t blame her, I blame YOU. (Well, maybe not YOU you, but the You out there who voted for her . . . oh, you know what I mean.) Let’s just get to the boys, quickly please so I don’t have to look at poor Cheray and Sally anymore – see you at Wildcard girls.

Husky voiced Mark da Costa is tackling Led Zeppelin’s ‘Whole Lotta Love’. He’s left the ubiquitous leather jacket in the car but wisely has neglected to shave for two straight days, giving him that stubbly rocker look that I am a stupid sucker for – if he was wearing a little eye makeup and nail polish, I would be on the floor lying in my own puddle of drool. Fosse calls him “fucking hot” except for the Baby Mullet which has disappointed us both and taken a little of the shine off him – seriously, let's reintroduce conscription so Youths of Today can get decent haircuts and YES, I am also looking at YOU Matt Corby, Marty Simpson and Jack Byrnes. He sings really well and he has a stupendous voice and he growls the FUCK out of this number, but this performance really needs a massive lighter waving, head banging, stoned out of their gourds crowd of deadheads to really make it work. It’s still pretty damn awesome and as rock as I’ve ever seen this show – Chris Murphy’s ‘Evie’ aside.

Marcia reminds us that the Led are her vintage and she can see he enjoyed it and she hopes Australia did. Marcia, Australia just voted Lana in, Australia is currently in a time out and can NOT come out until it apologises and votes in Kevin Rudd, okay? Kyle calls him the real deal but feels like he saw some reserve and caution, inviting everyone on the panel and sitting at home on their couches to immediately jump down his throat and label him a cretinous moron. Mark lauds his brilliant phrasing, his tones and timing but then backhands him by calling it a classic reproduction. Dicko who probably went to high school with Robert Plant and carried his books for him, tells us how The Plant did that song in one take (impressive) and that quite frankly, you don’t fuck with the classics. He then makes love to John Foreman and the band and quite correctly too, because they ROCKED that song, muchly. He also points out to the other contestants that THAT is how you play a gig without a guitar. Mark is chuffed by the judge’s lapdance of ecstacy they’re giving him and Mathieson calls it a cracking start. Can’t get any better, you'd think? You'd be wrong. I was . . .

Before he comes out and sings, I lament once more to Fosse how very very young and wrong for this competition I think adorable little moppet Ben McKenzie is. Awwww, he’s wearing epaulets and wouldn’t look out of place on the cover of Sgt Peppers – he actually reminds Fosse and I of our old housemate PGiddy. I’m guessing that one of his favourite films is Donnie Darko because he’s doing the Gary Jewel version of ‘Mad World’ and I don’t know about that Benny boy, that’s kind of a one note song and if you don’t hit the emotion right it isn’t going to work and see, this is just not the competition for you. Ben doesn’t give a flying fuck about my condescending opinion and deposits a big ol’ heaping of Humble Pie for TallulahBelle to eat by transfixing me. His performance is just about flawless, the rearrangement has given him the opportunity to soar, he gets the emotion just right and I adore him. I throw the words haunting and evocative at Fosse and realise I haven’t blinked since he started singing. Ben? I bow down before you and crown you King

Kyle tells him it’s the first time he’s really cared about him during this whole thing, song choice was perfect and he really believed it. Mark, never one to give when he also has the chance to take away, opens by telling the brilliant young performer we just saw, that he’s a pimply faced little nerd and I seethe. He follows up with deadset star and calls his tones and low end sublime, with his high ends so very clean and pure and compliments a voice as good as Ben’s as being gold for recording and I slightly forgive the nerd comment. Dicko is intrigued by Ben and loved how he took such a different attitude to the song then any other version. Marcia makes it all about her by saying that “us singers, we’re storytellers” but goes on to compliment his light and shade, calling his voice outstanding. Holy fuck. Little dude is awesome and he has leapt the tall building that is my opinion in single bound and landed smack dab in first place on my favourites list.

Jack Byrnes does nothing for me and - urgh - he’s singing a horribly earnest bloody song by a painfully earnest bloody band, U2’s ‘Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For’ and I haven’t learnt from the previous Lesson of Ben because I groan and only just resist the urge to fast forward through his performance and if I had, I would have missed the absolute brilliance that was Jack dancing like a cross between Elaine Benes and David Byrne from Talking Heads and the fantastic singing that he lays on us. He gospels the beginning and then SLAPS a gorgeous soul vibe on it and prances around the damn stage like he owns it, cheekily kicking his feet up and scrunching his coat and good GOD but he is singing this extremely well – I can not fault his vocals at all. And I’m confused because this is three GREAT performances in a row and I thought the first group of boys were meant to be the good ones? Every single one so far tonight has knocked it out of the motherfucking park. Mark, Ben and Jack should all be put through now, we shouldn’t even bother with the voting, just put them through now.

Mark loves his great big clean and soulful voice but thought the performance was too mannered, he sees it as a song about frustration and aggro, but Jack replies to him, it’s a song about joy and frankly yes, Jack is right and Mark is an idiot. Dicko chimes in with the Australia wide chorus of “Shut up, Mark” and calls it a classic case of right artist and right song. Marcia tells Jack that whatever boat it is that Mark missed, she was sitting right there paddling with Jack up the river. It was joyous and she loved the version. Kyle expects everyone to do their damndest at this point to get themselves through and Jack did absolutely that, it was great.

That is three TOUGH acts to follow. Poor Dave Andrews . . . who by the way has perfect Clara Bow lips and I just want to slap Rebel Red by Maybelline on them. He frustrates the hell out of me by picking John Farnham’s “Freedom” but bugger me if he doesn’t actually do a pretty good job. Although the arrangement is a little slow for my taste, it highlights the strengths of his voice and he only really falters at the falsetto.

The judges have been so spoilt for choice that they don’t recognise he actually did a good job. Dicko tells him it was tidy but tentative and when he’s following three powerhouse perfs he has to be better then that. Marcia tells him it was very safe, but that’s okay and she hopes he gets another chance to show Australia what he can do – Marcia, Australia has been banished to its room and may NOT leave until it is ready to accept that what it did was wrong. Kyle says it was a good performance but also somehow a dud? I don’t know, he makes no sense and I’ve stopped listening to him now. Mark agrees that it was a hard thing to follow the first three perfs and that it wasn’t enough. You know - if he’d done this Sunday night with the other guys group? He’d have been hoisted upon their shoulders and carried out of Fox Studio’s on pillows to the sounds of a cheering throng, because it was way better then anything we saw that night. He should be proud and the judges should not make him look like he wants to cry.

Lyall Adams and his dimples have made a dreadful mistake. They’re singing ‘Desperado’ by the Eagles. He loses me with his first tremulous line because this is too church-y. Really, only the Eagles and my friend Boonie can get away with doing this song outside of last call at the local karaoke bar and even then ‘Khe Sanh’ usually gets more votes. Lyall’s vocals let him down and I suspect, arrest, charge and imprison his nerves on some fairly damning evidence, he is breathy and blinking madly. That’s a shame, I thought he was going to rocket through this round . . .

Marcia also saw the nerves and comments she could hear his breathing and then – get this! – she ACTUALLY gives some critical advice! She tells him he needs to put his audience at ease and that he actually made her tense watching him and he needs to relax more. Kyle then gets gross about pants and soiling and I’m still not listening to him. Mark calls the Eagles songs deceptively simple but actually quite difficult to get right and that Lyall didn’t hit any of the emotion of the song and didn’t tell The Story. Dicko tells him to work within his limitations and use his personality to get the job done and that he can make it as a singer if he knows what those limitations are. Mathieson visibly resists the urge to wrap his arms around the poor lad.

Final singer for the boys is Marty Simpson who loves him some Dave Matthews – I totally see him sitting on the beach, stoned and eating cheezels, with his iPod on, listening to some Dave Matthews Band and singing about some ants. Tonight he’s doing The Fray's ‘Over My Head’ and I wish he’d chosen ‘How To Save A Life’ but I still like this song, it’s a good choice for him especially. I notice while he’s singing that he doesn’t know what to do with his spare hand and he has a classic I Usually Hold A Guitar When I Sing pose going on, he doesn’t look as uncomfortable as Lisa Mitchell used to but still, it looks neither natural or fun. He also sings kind of flatly and races ahead of the band a couple of times and I can’t tell if its deliberate or not. It seems to not be which does not bode well for him. Frankly, its not great.

Like me, Kyle initially thought this would be the perfect song choice for him but unlike me, Kyle thinks that he did a great job. Whatever Sandilands, you and I? We’re done. Mark tells him he has a high likeability factor and excellent tones when he sings but it all just felt too end of day, surfy, huddled ‘round a campfire – see he should have done some DMB. Marty has Dicko’s favourite voice in the whole competition – meh – and he actually listens to Marty’s audition CD’s – aww, cute – and jokes that he sits outside his house watching him come and go – heeeeeee. Dicko sternly tells His Favourite that he should have made more of the song. Mathieson and G are also heartily OVER Marcia and try to just move on to the closing credits, but Dicko foils their dastardly plan and she opines that they’re all making her feel like she isn’t there . . . we wish, Marcia. She tells him it was great song choice but you know you can do better and blah blah blah aren’t you glad she got to tell him that? I would have been bereft without her sage words of ‘advice’.

As the boys wrap things up, two things hit me; 1) I must watch Ben’s performance several more times and 2) Jack Byrnes TOTALLY reminds me of Bill Oddie from the Goodies. If he doesn’t kick it through tonight and has to be Wildcarded I am BEGGING him to do Funky Gibbon. But really the two tonight should be Ben McKenzie and either Jack Byrnes or Mark da Costa because honestly they all deserve to go through. Dave is the alternate and Lyall and Marty should only be allowed Wildcards. Seriously Australia, if you put Lyall or Marty through based on their performances I will END you. Take me seriously, I am short but I am FEISTY.

Final group of girls consist of two of my faves, Holly and Breanna, the spunky Sarah, rosycheeked Rosie, angelvoiced Morgan and Mystery Girl Madison.