Feeling It.

My dearest, darling Season Six!

Oh, how I have missed you. Might I dare to hope that the feeling has been mutual and you have missed me? I am heartbreakingly aware that we parted on bad terms last season, let's be completely upfront and honest about that. I mean, I loved The Gauc. Thrilled she won. (A little dumsquizzled as to where the hell her actual CD is, but you know, I'm SURE you'll explain that in the first week. Or two. The first month? Or you can choose to completely gloss over The Mysterious Disappearance of The Gauc and we'll just call her Casey Mark II and never speak of her again). But by the end of last season, I don't know if you noticed, but I and most of the country? Didn't give a flying fuck who won or lost. I barely watched the finale and frankly, that was more for The Divinyls than anything else. I'm not sure what else happened that night.

So this season, before we get started I'd like to set some important ground rules. Ground rules that I feel aren't completely out of the realm of do-ability. Ground rules that I feel we can stick to, that will mend the fences around the broken home that is our relationship. I know that last time I felt like this about Us, you gave me Damien Leith. That may possibly be the best Save of a relationship EVER. I mean, I felt lost. I was contemplating moving on to another show and dividing our assets. And then? You gifted me with the gorgeous, honey voiced Irish. (Seriously, have I thanked you for that recently? Thank you.) You have made an awesome start by ditching the ever flowing fountain of bullshit that makes up Mark Holden (but if I'd known you weren't going to keep him around, I might have celebrated the final 'Touchdown' he gave last season a little more. I would have choreographed a dance. Written a song. Recited some bad beat poetry and slaughtered a fatted calf in your honour with thanks.)

The Ground Rules; Firstly, I will NOT be lending any credence to the fame whores and idiots who are just there to get their mugs on the teev. No, thank you sir. I've had enough of gorilla costumes and if I want to see a superhero, I'll just go see The Dark Knight again, thanks.

Secondly, I have been made aware that a Ms RickiLee Coulter (??) will be appearing on your show as a type of 'mentor' to the kids. And look, it's your show, do what you want, but if you take time away from Andrew G and James Mathieson; I. Will. Be. Pissed. 65% of the greatness that is the show that is Idol is their schtick and if you detract from that, I will be forced to detract from your face. She therefore, does not exist to me. Unless I can call her Chanel. And also, if she is replaced by Chanel.

Thirdly. Marcia's penchant for calling every second song she hears, one of her favourites, became a drinking game last season that nearly killed me. It's been eight long months of AA and not being able to eat my grandmother's trifle at Christmas. This season, we're going to try something different.

Fourthly. I don't really have a fourthly. I'm sure I'll come up with one. I reserve the right to at any point in time bring in a fourthly. And a fifthly. In return, I will endeavour to pay attention - and more importantly, CARE - right through to the finale.

On to the first auditions in Melbourne! And the first positive outcome of A No Holden Idol is the Judges Table as we finally get Dicko back where he belongs, sitting in the final seat, giving the last opinion. Thank GOD. The closing words said to a contestant after they sing will never start with the phrase 'I'm not familiar with that song'. Ever again. Excellent.

First up is James Sidebottom . . . heeeee. (Oh, shut up, he's used to that, his surname is SIDEBOTTOM, he went through primary school with it, I'm sure his skin is appropriately thick.) James is a 25 year old self taught guitarist and chiropracter. Um. I'm sure they don't mean he taught himself chiropract-ing. I'm certain he passed all the requisite exams and has all the legal documents required to be safely laying his hands on Mathieson in the manner he is. His voice has a lovely, husky Johnny Diesel-ish quality to it, whisky sweet. First through to Sydney and we're off! Huzzah!

We are SO not talking about Mark I who happily wallops the heck out of Mika's 'Grace Kelly' or Mark II who takes the final note of whatever the hell he sings and makes it last about eight awful minutes. Nope. Moving right along.

Busker Chris Fatouros (25) sings some dirgey thing that appears to be in about three different people's range. Kyle thinks he's "excellent", Marcia "intensely intriguing" and Dicko loves his "intensity". He's the second shown as through and the first to confuse me. Really? I totally didn't get that. It's going to be a long season, I can feel that.

Hot tamale Sacha Rudolph (18) brings out all the cliches - music is her life, passion for singing, save the starving . . . hordes? That's . . . new for a reality show about singing. It's more America's Next Top Model. Ooookay. How are her vocal chops? Not as good as her 'tude. Dicko suggests she get a job with World Vision and Marcia gets quite snarky and sends her on her way.

27 year old Sarah Carnegie has played at Manchester Lane! Site of the last time I saw Irish play live and the spot where he signed a CD for me 'fiddle dee dee potatos' and didn't even look at me a little strangely when I asked him to. Love! (Oh, Damien Leith. Can you audition again?) Back to Sarah, who advises us she is having a torrid and steamy longterm love affair with music - when she starts singing I immediately request if they're interested in a threesome. Her voice is gorgeous. The judges join in and make it an orgy of loving - at which point both Sarah and I use our safe words and back out when Kyle takes off his shirt - and pop her straight through. Oh. Yeah.

Kyle is repeatedly disappointed by the hot girls who can't sing who tramp past the audition panel (pun intended), until Tatum Jackson (21) saunters through and gives us a quite lovely Natasha Bedingfield number. The panel creates some Drama by sending her out to whatserface Coulter to find something 'pop'ier because no one knows who Natasha Bedingfield is, right? She comes back and sings that annoyingly cute 'Bubbly' song. OH!! FOURTHLY, I reserve the right to absolutely and positively REAM THE FUCK out of anyone who sings that fucking 'I Kissed A Girl' song. Bad faux lesbian pop is NOT welcome on My Show, 'kay thanx. Anyway, Tatum's second chance is cute - it still gets a no from Dicko but Marcia and Kyle yes her right through.

Um. The Naked Cowboy? Not so naked. Also, I suspect not really a cowboy. Or a singer. Why is he even here? Has he left poor unsuspecting tourists in New York who want to take photos of themselves with him, with nothing to do? Put some clothes on and get out of my country. Although you may leave your three million and the hat. I like the hat.

From Nowhere (sorry) comes 23 year old Casey Freeman who kneels on the floor with her guitar and sounds like a female Jack Johnson which = awesome. She's pretty cool and the judges acknowledge that and quickly put her through.

Rebecca Simani (18) needs her best friend in her audition with her - call me cynical but I imagine the producers suggested that . . . luckily her voice is pretty awesome and carries her through.

(I know I said no fame whores, but HOW can I go past the three girls who sing Dick In A Box, complete with props, without applauding? I can't and I won't. Kudos ladies. Fucking A. For Awesome.)

17 year old Brooke Addamo brought her entire street with her. She blues up a GREAT version of Coldplay's 'The Scientist' and then we get a backstory that features the first of the Eternally Awesome Idol Parentals - her (step)Dad is really cool and visibly chuffed. Awwwww.

Amanda Grafanakis (24) is the first familiar face from the Can You Feel It ad. She rocks out 'Mother Mother' by Tracy Bonham, a song and artist I have to say I NEVER thought I'd see/hear on Idol. She scrapes through.

And then we come to Lindsay West (30) who made it through to the semi finals of Season Three and is back to try again. Confession time. I was BRUTAL about Lindsay. Mean to the power of three. And Lindsay, who - I'm still fuzzy on how - found my blog and read the mean(cubed) things I said about him, was remarkably cool with it. He awesomely saw the humour in the situation and the fact that editing can make anyone look like a dick (especially, in his own words, when you give them enough ammunition). Regardless, Lindsay has been really great about sharing background info about his original time on Idol, the machinations, the process, he's invited me (and the crazy kids from CC) to see him live (awesome). He has, in short been pretty fucking ace about it all. He sings pretty solidly but it's just not the same when he doesn't have a kicking band backing him. How have I still not seen him do the KISS thing? Dicko isn't a huge fan, but Kyle and Marcia are both pretty chuffed to see him taking advantage of the new ruling last season that previous semi finalists can re-audition (and also no doubt remember that Lindsay makes great tv. Love him or hate him.) Bring it. (And we've kind of recently had this conversation Lindsay, but get a haircut young man! And stop bringing Jake Gyllenhaal into it.)

Vesna from Big Brother!! came with a hair rocker who can't so much rock. Still, we miss you on our teev, Vesna.

Steve Jaz (27) busts out his best 'Maniac' and squeaks through with yes votes from Marcia and Kyle.

The escapees from the VCA Musical Theatre course give us a quick montage of blergh auditions for Wicked and Shane Warne; The Musical (a real musical, for real, I'm not shitting you, Shane Warne; The motherfucking Musical. For. Real.) but they lead us to perky redhead Nicole Banks (18) who jazzes a GORGEOUS number at us in a fantastic voice. Dicko calls her delightful! She really is! Shaneequa texts to dub Nicole as my early favourite. I reply in the affirmative but frankly all the girls thus far have been outstanding. Go the Chicks!!

G and Mathieson walk the St Kilda pier and discuss Great Stuff That Came From Melbourne. They . . . forget to mention me. Boys. You scamps.

Our second auditionee who we already know from the Can You Feel It ad, is Thanh Bui (25) who belts out a total boy band song, sung in a total boy band manner. Dicko busts on him for the vocal gymnastics but his voice is kind of ace and he whizzes through.

The Last Person To Audition Who Totally Gets Through Completely And Utterly Unexpectedly is Mark Spano who used to have a burgeoning career with a screaming rock band but who Cosima'd and hasn't really sung since. His voice has a nice roughness about it but when he arcs his throat back and belts out some notes, I worry terribly - 'ware the polyps Mark! Marcia touts him as the best voice she's heard on the show in years. Ummm. Marcia? Irish was only two years ago. Two. So, shut up Marcia.

In total 34 singers make it through from Melbourne to the Top One Who Are They Kidding Hundred. Tomorrow night Perth (and my birthday!), then on to Brisbane, Adelaide, London and Sydney, which is apparently SO big they have to show it on two nights. Unless - and lets hope THIS is the case - it's because the shows only go for half an hour. Yeah? Yeah.

TallulahBelle out.