What the HELL is going on?

Yahoo news have just reported the death of Chris Penn. Chris Penn. CHRIS PENN. What the fuck? He was only 43. He was in Reservoir Dogs. He was in Footloose! With Kevin Bacon! Can we expect the death of K-Bac in the next couple of weeks?
Gah!! What am I saying??!! Bite my tongue, Kevin Bacon is fine, Kevin Bacon is fine. *turns around twice, throws salt over both shoulders just to be safe and avoids all dark coloured cats*
Now, to be fair, Chris Penn was not a small man. Other than Footloose, I can't remember a film when he wasn't . . . large of girth. They don't know cause of death, but I'd bet you a lifetime supply of hotdogs it was a heart attack.
Man. Great character actors are dropping like flies.
Vale Christopher.

When exactly did my blog turn into Graveyard for Great Character Actors? I'd like it to stop.

Dante's Sixth Level Of Hell

I officially hate the heat with the fire of a thousand blazing suns. Hang on . . . that doesn't work.
I hate the heat with the level of spite and vitriol I normally reserve for ex-boyfriends and the President's Bush - what I like to call Spite Force Five.
Yeah. That's it.

I'm thinking of getting t-shirts made.

Year of the George

A (notso) short list of whom I think will win the Golden Globes starting in just over an hour in the States. Bear in mind that most of these movies haven’t been released here yet so I’m going off gut feeling, reviews I’ve read and blatant bias . . .

Felicity Huffman could quite possibly take both Best Actress in a Drama (Movie) for TransAmerica and Best Actress in a Comedy/Musical (TV) for Desperate Housewives. Reese Witherspoon kind of has Best Actress Comedy/Musical (Movie) locked in for Walk The Line.

The fight for Best Actor in a Drama (Movie) is between Phillip Seymour Hoffman for Capote and Heath Ledger for Brokeback Mountain – coincidentally, both characters are gay. My money’s on Hoffman, because I think he’s more than done his due in the the last ten years. He’s a great character actor and is consistently fantastic in everything he is in, even Twister, whereas Ledger only has one other good film under his belt (Ten Things I Hate About You) and a slew of crap ones.

I think Best Director might be between Ang Lee for Brokeback Mountain and my boy George for Good Night and Good Luck. I think you know who I want to win, but I wouldn’t mind if it was Ang as well, which it probably will be.

George however, has the Best Supporting Actor (Drama) all sewn up for Syriana. If he doesn’t win, I shall be most perturbed. I’d love to see him get a Best Screenplay nod for GN&GL as well, but don’t think we should push it. Although, if he doesn’t win director, there is every possibility that Screenplay will be his consolation. (Good Will Hunting, anyone?) Regardless, his acceptance speech for whatever he wins will be great – when he won for O Brother Where Art Thou? a couple of years ago he was freaking hilarious. I have Great Expectations.

TV noms
Desperate Housewives for Best Comedy (where is Arrested Developments' nomination, Hollywood Foreign Press, you bastards?!?)
Lost for Best Drama
I’d LOVE to see Hugh Laurie win Best Actor Drama for House and Patricia Arquette Best Actress for Medium

More movies
Joaquin Phoenix (Walk The Line) or Jeff Daniels (The Squid and the Whale) for Best Actor Comedy/Musical (Movie)
Michelle Williams will most likely win Supporting Actress (Brokeback)
Best Movie Drama will probably be Brokeback and Best Comedy/Musical either Walk The Line or The Squid and the Whale.

My fingers shall remain firmly crossed for George and his films but the gay cowboys will most likely come out on top. If only George had played one of the cowboys then we’d see some SERIOUS award action coming his way . . .

Oh, for crying out loud

I love The Poseidon Adventure, its one of my favourite films and inducted me at a young age into a morbid love of 70's disaster films - yes, I even like the godawful 'modern' ones like Volcano and even Daylight, which was essentially TPA set in a tunnel with Sylvester Stallone instead of the awesome Gene Hackman, its crap but I'll still watch it if I'm changing channels and I see Amy Brenneman pluckily saving the lives of others by using her sneakers to grab a live electrical cable . . . damn . . . . excuse me, I have to go rent it now - and one of my favourite bits in TPA is the wonderful Shelley Winters telling Gene Hackman that in the water she's still a skinny lady. Her death scene (hope I'm not spoiling this or the soon to be released re-make) after that is truly sad and she thoroughly deserved her Oscar nom. Also loved her on Roseanne as Rosie's crazy ass loudmouthed losing her mind grandmother . . .

Its been a bad couple of weeks for Hollywood. And with the glut of yearly award ceremonies starting tomorrow, (first up are the Golden Globes - The Clooney is nominated for THREE and to prove he is interconnected with everything, George was in the early seasons of Roseanne also) the producers must be scrambling to cut time from something so they can expand the In Memoriam section. Sigh.

i've never been there either kate . . .

I got Australian Idol 2005 Winner (Team)Kate DeAraugo's album from MamaBelle and PapaBelle for Christmas and have been listening to it on and off for the last couple of weeks and I have this to say :
I think it's pretty good.
I love Faded (which I believe will be the next single) and was co-written by those cute little Veronicas girls. The song sounds very Kelly Clarkson in style (as does track 7 Victim), which I think is perfect for TeamKate's husky cords. Maybe Tonight still remains the best of the Idol Winner Singles (Poor Poor Casey - sigh) and I like the version of Heaven they've included but wish it was stripped back even further than it is. I am DEEPLY distraught that Impossible Dream isn't on it - specifically the live version she did at the Opera House where she made my chest ache just a little, she was that good. (Seriously, she sang the shit out of that song that night. Exceptional vocally.)
The rest of the album is fairly standard pop/rnb/soul fare but is still worthy of selling a freaking heap more CDs than it would appear she is currently.

But there are two tracks on it that aren't remotely up to scratch (writing wise) and feel undercooked (tracks 8 & 9 for those playing at home). They have a 'filler' feel about them and practically scream Skip Button at me as soon as they start.

Those two fillers aside, I think this is a better First CD Rushed Out PreXmas So BMG Can Get Lots And Lots Of Sales, Gee That Doesn't Seem To Be Working Anymore Perhaps We Should Let The Winner Have More Than A Week To Record It And Perhaps Some Sleep As Well, What Do You Think Dicko Please Come Back??!!! than Poor Poor Casey's and even a better one than Guy's. (Yeah, I said it.)

So get out there and buy it kids. And get yourself a copy of Spook while you're at it . . .

An open letter to the new kid on the block

Dear 2006,

Hi there. How you doing so far? Not so great, right? I mean, we’re just five days in and I think we’re off to a bit of a rocky start, what with Ariel Sharon and no decision on the fate of Arrested Development yet and another year where it doesn’t look like George Bush will keep his yap shut. I can see you’ve got your hands full already, but I just wanted to touch base with you about me. I know its selfish to be thinking of me when Lindsay Lohan is battling drugs and bulimia, but hey - if I don’t worry about me, who will? (You know, other than my mother.)
I do have a few complaints regarding your predecessor. 2005 wasn’t . . . great to me. For most of January I thought things were going to be okay, but towards the end of that first month shit kind of started sliding uphill, my feet got dirty and the whole thing - well - it just lost momentum that I never really got back. In short, it sucked. Now, I can’t lay the blame all at 2005’s feet, a lot of the screwups were my own, but I think its fair to say that 2005 didn’t really try to make things any easier on me. Once one little thing went wrong, a BUNCH of others went ass up as well, almost as though 2005 got some kind of perverse pleasure seeing how far it could push me before I cracked.
I’d like to think that we can get beyond any and all past indiscretions and to that end, I’d appreciate if you threw out the - I’m sure - quite damning TallulahBelle manila folder 2005 has left on your desk. Wowwww. Look at that thing, how many pages is that? Its quite comprehensive isn’t it? Can I just have a look at what it says about June 28th . . . oh DUDE, that is so not cool, I was having a very tough week when I said that . . . what about the week I . . . HEY . . . come ON, I apologised NUMEROUS times for those remarks and WHERE does 2005 think it gets off drawing a moustache and glasses on my headshot like that?? God, how many servings of humble pie do I need to eat? That is just ridiculously childish and . . . NO. I will not dwell on it any further, look seriously, just put this whole file in the bin, its just mean and spiteful and frankly quite typical of the relationship 2005 and I shared and I think you and I are better than that.
Thankyou.
I think you and I can come together and enjoy a non-hostile working relationship. I feel good about 2006, I really do. I see great things in our future together, a lot of mutual back scratching and general fabulousness. I just want what everyone else wants from you. A happy home, happy relationship, a little world peace and several awards of note for George Clooney - acting or directing, I'm not fussy.
Anyway, please enjoy the chocolates and the flowers and the muffin gift basket. Feel free to drop me a line anytime, I’m always available for chats and discussions with you.
2006 and me = Best Friends Forever!!

Love TallulahBelle
xx

PS 2005 had several extra unwanted kilos delivered to my ass and upper body last year. What’s your returns policy?

Stop it.

Could great character actors please stop dying? Thanks.

He was in The Rock and Green Card.

John Spencer would have been 59 today.

He died suddenly Friday morning (US time) of a heart attack. Chances are you didn’t know his name, but you would have recognised his face. He starred in LA Law for a while, and for years after that show ended whenever I saw him in a film or gueststarring on something, I called him Tommy (after his LaLa character). It wasn’t until The West Wing and the complete and utter melding of actor and character that Tommy became John Spencer again, who in turn became Leo McGarry. Leo McGarry was his character on TWW, recovering alcoholic, Chief of Staff, one of my favourite characters in one of my alltime favourite shows (and quite frankly a representation of how I wish the White House currently was - ie full of democrats).
He was an astounding character actor who imbued Leo McGarry with a warmth and believability that is often missing from TV drama. Along with the Soprano’s (both shows started in 1999 and hit Australian TV around the same time and were both unceremoniously dumped in the latenight time slot for vampires and those of us who exist on five hours sleep a night) and in later years Six Feet Under, The West Wing reinvented drama television. Smart writing, smart characters, whip fast dialogue that didn’t stop to let you catch up and the assumption that their audience was smart enough not to be needed to be spoon fed information. Watching the first few seasons of TWW was better than any uni course on How American Politics Works could ever be. I learned about the filibuster, I learned about lame duck congress, I learned about congress and what gubernatorial meant. When That Awful Thing That I Still Can’t Talk About Without Going Into A Mouth Foaming Rage (better known as the stolen 2000 elections) happened, I found myself glued to CNN and Fox and I was understanding (but not really liking so much) what Tucker Carlson and Bill O’Reilly and James Carville were telling me about the Senate and the House and why the Supreme Court was so heavily Republican and why this horrid, horrid thing was happening.
In 2001 when the actually really awful thing happened and the planes hit the twin towers, I will always remember that it was reported during the last ad break of an especially poignant episode of TWW (18th and Potomac). A favourite character (White House Presidential Secretary, Mrs Landingham) had been killed in a car accident and Charlie (Presidential Aide) was breaking the news to Leo. The camera just . . . stays on John Spencer’s face as Leo digests this news. It is heartbreakingly beautifully acted. In fact, acted doesn’t even seem the right word, because it connotes a certain artificiality and there was nothing artificial about John Spencer’s Leo McGarry. It seems fitting that the season he won an Emmy for was that second season, he deserved it for that scene alone.
The acting world is a lesser one for the loss of this great character actor but with three seasons left that I haven’t fully seen yet (thank YOU very much Channel Nine, please be good to the fans ABC) including the seventh season currently airing in the states, at least I have a lot more John Spencer and Leo McGarry to look forward to.
And that’s not a bad thing.
Vale John. Happy birthday, we miss you already.

I think I'll see fat Clooney instead, thanks.

King Kong is three hours long. Sorry, its over three hours long. Seriously. No, seriously, it is. It is 187 minutes. Does Peter Jackson not own a watch or have ANY concept of time - and the bladder and its tendency to make you want to, you know, PEE at the two and a half hour mark - at all? And also? Movie about an ape. Starring Naomi Watts. Three hours of Naomi Watts. Look, I like her a lot more than I like her sharper, less talented twin Nicole Kidman - and no I don't know why she has an Academy Award but I suspect it was some kind of payoff for being married to That Scientologist* - but still. (Nicole and Naomi apparently both went to the same school of Open Mouthed Acting. Watch The Ring and The Others back to back, you'll see what I mean.) I don't think I care enough about this film to sit through three freaking hours. I don't care if Jack Black and Colin Hanks are in it. I don't.

Syriana - 126 minutes. George Clooney, Matt Damon, Jeffrey Wright, Amanda Peet. Okay, so The Clooney may have put on 35 pounds and nearly killed himself during this film but I could watch Syriana and then walk straight into a screening of Good Night and Good Luck which is 93 minutes and The Clooney in black and white (yummy!) - and also the immensely talented and underrated David Strathairn and Robert Downey jr and The Clooney directing - and still meet up with people seeing King Kong for coffee afterwards (admittedly this only works if Syriana and GN&GL have no ads or trailers and KK has the usual bloated half hour of previews . . .) Guess which option I'm going to take? You only get one guess and if its wrong you need to stop being someone I know . . .

*Oh, alright. Nicole was extremely good in The Hours, there I said it. I don't think she was better than Julianne Moore was in that film but she was still extremely good and probably deserved to win. Happy Fosse? Begrudglingly sharing that has made me feel dirty . . .

Yeah? Well, you can take your Yuletide spirit and SHOVE IT.

Shut up tinsel. Shut up dancing Santa. Shut up parking at Chadstone Shopping Centre. (What's that, random lady in the blue Mitsubishi? You were there first? Actually, you weren't, that car in front of me was AND he had his indicator on indicating that he was taking that spot before you even turned down this aisle so don't you DARE honk your horn angrily at him and then yell at me when I tell you he was there first because darling? I DON'T CARE. I'm still desperately trying to find a spot for myself and have been for about 25 minutes and I just want to get into Bra's N Things and spend this voucher and it will take less time to do that than it has taken to park, so take your road rage and SHOVE IT.) Shut up carols piped into local Coles. Shut up stupid Christmas Card list. Shut up personal inability to cope with people humming and/or whistling Santa Claus Is Coming To Town. Shut UP overdrawn credit cards and definitely shut up shut up shut up SHUT UP measly $15.00 left until payday.

Christmas is cancelled. Do you hear me? CANCELLED. Bah, humbug. Unless someone finally gets me that George Clooney I've had my eye on and wanted for ages . . .

I also worry too much

If one of the signs that you're having a stroke is smelling toast where there is no toast, what does it mean when you smell raison toast where there is no raison toast?

Friends, schmends

So I did it. I took life by the horns, looked into the abyss, swallowed my pride, reached out and touched the face of . . . rejection. Yep. Rejection. Bruno turned me down, he ‘just wants to be friends’ and that’s okay. Really. No, it is, I promise. Because the deal was that I actually do something and tell him that I liked him, regardless of the outcome. It was almost more about me not letting life idly pass me by and taking a chance then it was about a potential boyfriend. That being said, it still sucks that the mutual three month Flirt-a-thon went nowhere.
The only problem with 'just being friends' is that I already have That Guy in my life, the guy that I liked for a really really really long time who only wanted to be friends, and its taken me almost four years to get to the stage where I actually do count him as a friend. Four long crazy tears on my pillow miserable freaking years. I don’t need another one of them - seriously I don't and my poor The Shoulders That I Cry On, I mean my friends, don't need me to have another one of them either.
So I said adios to Bruno. Sayonara dude.
And its for the best really, because I know me. If we meet up for a friendly coffee, I’ll read a ridiculous amount into every little thing he says, every glance will be dripping with meaning in my little crush addled mind and I’ll drive myself and everyone around me FUCKING INSANE. I’ll be like one of those little white yappy dogs, constantly chasing my own tail and getting nowhere and generally annoying the living SHIT out of people. So as much as I will miss him, he has been wiped from my mobile and email account, the better to not accidentally maybe just send him one tiny little email and if he replies well it totally must mean he misses me and is rethinking this whole friends thing, right?
No. There will be none of that.
What there will be is moving on-ness. Besides, I like to think that when Life gives you lemons, you should just squeeze some juice into that bitch’s eyes and when she’s on the ground yelping in citrus-y pain, kick Life in the ribs until she cries Uncle.
Heh heh.
Buh-bye Bruno. Next.

What Katie Did Next

An amalgamation of every week by week post I wrote about Kate because I am lazy and can't be bothered thinking up new stuff . . .

Top 30 performance
Kate – the love child of Renee Geyer and Sting. Nice husky vocal chords. Kate lulled me into thinking she was just another Queen of Mugging and then she shazaam-ed me with her song. Just great, but she needs to stop bollocksing around with her hair and letting them turn her into too much of a girl if she’s that uncomfortable with it. Deserves to be Top Three, but with Tarni making it through last week there may not be enough room for her.
Australian Week
Ladies and Gentleman, the best female performance of the night, I give you Kate. Lovely work, Clone of Renee Geyer. It finished . . . weird, but it was beautifully and soulfully done. Just lovely.
60’s Week
(Kate has) All My Loving.Best performance of the night. I LOVE this girl more and more each week (‘ware Roxane, you’re slipping). She has mixed it up, ballad last week, uptempo number this week – she’s showing us range, she’s pitch perfect with everything she sings and she just plain out-awesome’s everyone around her.
Rock Supergroups
Kate? I . . . don’t understand. Why are you not great? Did your kitty die? Is it because the Eagles lost? The first time I’ve heard Pitchy Kate, Breathy Kate and Slightly Off Tune Kate. I am saddened, I don’t like this Kate, I want Great Kate back. She’s still fabulous though (and was awesome at the AFL Grand Final at the weekend and the only one who sounded even halfway decent).
Ahem.
TUCKSHOP ARMS. TUCKSHOP ARMS???!!! Fuuuuuuuuuuck off Kyle.
Contestants Choice
I heart Kate. With every fibre of my being. Shheeeeeeee’s baaaaaaaaack. Rebounding back from the lacklustre-ness that was Kate Doing Queen, Kate takes a pass from Anastacia, Harlem Globe Trotter’s her way down the court and slamDUNKS the ball, shattering the backboard and scoring two much needed points for Team Kate. Kate’s lower register is still a little weak sometimes but she has an infectious vibrancy and a glow that translates ridiculously well onscreen. I still find it hard to believe that this girl is only nineteen, because her professionalism and maturity outstrips most of the other contestants. Kate has officially taken up the title of TallulahBelle’s Favourite Idol This Year. Go Team Kate!
Big Band
Lets get ready to RUUUUUMBLE. TeamKate tackles Anne for best performance of the night but Anne totally flips her and pins her to the floor (oooh, look at me with all the sports analogies! I’m sorry, I’ll stop now – mostly because I’m getting out of my depth.) Kate was still fantastic, at Chez Shaneequa we could only pick one obviously pitch weak moment, the rest was vocally without flaw. This girl is just fab and I admire the hell out of her for coming in every week and doing great work. Both Anne and Kate do consistently well and out perform the majority of the other contestants, but week after week they seem to be damned with faint praise. Colour me confused.
80’s Week
TeamKate should be a little worried tonight. There is a very real chance, she’ll bottom three tonight, although if I had my way she’d be one of the final two standing in this comp. I thought she was joyful tonight, very infectious. She was enjoying herself on stage and I loved the ponytail, I just wish she’d done some Madonna or Cher – that would have been awesome. I don’t get what Holden is talking about, I don’t think of this song as a song about passion, but rather a song of joy and happiness which I thought she totally nailed. It’s Chaka Khan, not Don’t Cry For Me Argentina. Buuuuut. Not my favourite Kate performance and I am concerned for her.
Up Close & Personal
Ironic – Alanis Morissette. I really liked what TeamKate did with this song. She fiddled nicely with the melody and ‘put her own stamp’ on it. I do kind of wish she’d picked one of Alanis’ better songs but out of all the Idols she was the only one to pick something that probably 95% of the audience will recognise, which surely works in her favour. I just want her to mix it up a little bit more.
Mo-town
I Wish - Stevie Wonder. I only caught the tail end of this on my first viewing so initially my only reaction was to scream at the tv screen as Asshat Kyle waxed long and lyrical about the FUCKING TAN LINES under Kate’s arms. Yes, read that again. The TAN LINES. If it was not already screamingly obvious that this man knows as much about the music industry as I do about the breeding habits of the mongoose, then it REALLY is now. You see, I know the mongoose exists, I know that there have been mongeese in the past and can posit the theory that there will be mongeese in the future, therefore the mongoose must possess breeding habits. But I don’t know what or how they work, so I don’t pretend to be an expert on the subject and appear on Australian Mongoose and give my opinion to the previously perfectly happy and healthy mongeese who worked their little mongeesey butts off to get to the Final Six ONLY to be told they’ll never make it in the industry because although they killed that snake perfectly, they don’t have the sartorial elegance to pull off walking the red carpet as they have stubby tails and the fur on their heads doesn’t match the fur on their hind legs as pleasingly as it could. Ass.Upon second viewing I concurred with the opinions of most. She rocked. I love her and wish her all the best as the Person Who Comes Second In Australian Idol And Somehow Does Better Than The Winner.
70’s Week (Or Songs They Should Have Done by Bowie)
The Man Who Sold The World. Anyone who caught Rockstar INXS and saw Jordis sing this song can appreciate what a melancholy song this can be if given the husky vocal treatment that our girl Kate does so very very well. It would have had me in tears of appreciation and thanks, as opposed to the tears of rage that Lady Marmalade brought me to. Karaoke. Pure and simple and I’ve been disappointed since Idol Extra that she had chosen this song. I was horrified that she then sang the fucking Moulin Rouge version and did the bullshit Xtina ‘yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah’ bits and aghast when she stuffed up. But she covered it well, continued to hit almost all the notes and was only slightly pitchy. Imagine my absolute dumsquizzlement when Marcia and Kyle said she was ill. There was general agreement in the ChezBelle household that she kicked ass, considering. And speaking of asses in desperate need of kicking . . . Mark? SHUT UP. Kate is an absolute professional who did a great job, I just despair at her song choice. She hasn’t been bottom three yet, but I think tonight is the night and I wouldn’t be surprised if the first time is the last time and we say our final fare thee well to her . . .
Elvis Week
Burning Love. I really enjoyed this. It wasn’t perfect, but it was pitch perfect and by GOD, she looked like she was having fun. Imagine that you are Kate for a moment. Everyone around you has received a touchdown. At one point or another in the competition the other three contestants have been told they will probably win Idol or have a long wonderful career ahead of them. Whenever you go to meetNgreets the crowds scream their little girly lungs out for Lee/Emily and occasionally DreadyDan. You make the final four and it hits you. You’re Hayley from Season Two. You have a lovely voice, a charming personality but everyone seems a little confused as to how you’ve made it as far as you have. Now I personally prefer Kate’s voice to Hayley and think that Kate deserves to be final two, but history (Paulini and Hayley) tells us that fourth is as good as she gets. Do you mope around and give halfhearted performances because you don't give a damn anymore or do you pull yourself up by the bootstraps, say to hell with coming fourth and sing the perfect hell out of every song that comes your way in the slim chance that you might actually have more of a fan base than you think? Team Kate has well and truly taken the latter course of action and I say ‘bravo’.
Impossible Dream. Possibly my favourite Kate performance (and as Red noted this morning : Memo from Mark to Kate, IOU one (1) touchdown). She looked amazing (except for the panda eyeliner on her bottom lid) and sounded fantastic. She built this slowly up to a lovely crescendo. That final note could have been bigger and better but I think she was feeling the emotion of the song (coupled with her voice issues from the last week) and held back on it a little so she could control the note better. I found the performance quite moving. I quite simply love her.
Pretty much whatever the hell they want to sing Week because there are only three left
Heaven. Kate is good. Kate hits all the right notes. She sings the absolute bollocks out of this song to the point that Impossible Dream hangs its head in shame and slinks to the back of the Best Songs Kate Has Performed On Idol line. But Mark has his hate-on so very very hard for Kate and I get so angry with him that a cloud of red rage envelops me like PigPen from Charlie Brown. It reminds me of Mark saying on Inside Idol before the Elvis week that if she didn’t get a touchdown from him for Impossible Dream that she should be going home. I scream this in an incoherent manner at Fosse who flinches on the sofa and gets that look on his face, the look that says just agree with everything she says and maybe she won’t kill me in my sleep.
Like A Prayer. Kate is good. Kate hits all the right notes. She doesn’t so much sing the bollocks out of this song, but she has an awesome time on stage and it as infectious as bird flu. I can’t stop smiling as she sings but say (in a much calmer tone because the judges haven’t started ripping her to pieces yet) that she will never ever get a touchdown from Mark because he’s a complete wanker who hates Kate so very very much. Fosse gets that look on his face, the look that says he thinks it’s a very real possibility that Charles Manson had a child nobody knows about who grew up in a small country town in the north-west of Western Australia and eventually moved to Melbourne, started watching Idol and writing a blog and who one day . . . just snapped.Kate does not get a touchdown. Kate gets slapped down again and basically told that they don’t want her in the final two. She is ridiculously professional about it all for a nineteen year old being humiliated on national television for being consistently competent and pitch perfect. At nineteen its entirely possible I would have leapt off the stage and started bitch slapping someone. Hell, that’s possible now . . .
The Final Two
Maybe Tonight – The Idol Winner’s song makes me feel slightly less nauseated and sugary than previous years (specifically the travesty that Poor Poor Casey had to release) but it also makes me giddily wish for a second that we had gotten to hear the punk’d up DeadtomeOnetrickpony version. Kate’s singing is husky and soulful and I find myself enjoying it. I check my pulse to ensure I haven’t gone into a diabetic coma.
Shackles – Kate sings this really well, but I just want her to kick it up a freakin’ notch. She visibly reins herself in from going over the top, which I don’t fully understand. This song should make me want to get up and dance but I make do with a little chair dancing instead. Its not the same. Sigh.
How Could An Angel Break My Heart – well, for starters SHE MIGHT SING A SONG CO-WRITTEN BY BABYFACE. Gahhhhhhhhhhang on. This is actually quite . . . well, its . . . nice . . . she builds it well and it soars in the chorus and Competent Kate hits all the right notes again again. It’s a touch bland and less than memorable but she sings so well and I’m so horribly biased and she can do no wrong in my eyes, that I actually start wishing she would sing that nice Bryan Adams song from that wonderful Robin Hood movie that the not at all overrated Kevin Costner was in. It occurs to me that I’m going into sugar shock and I hurriedly inject myself with insulin and eat a garden salad.
Opera House
Awesomeness occurs. Marcia and Mark wear a ridiculous amount of bitchface and Kyle is basically the only judge to publically applaud Team Kate as the winner. I realise I'm going to voluntarily buy an Idol album that Chanel has absolutely no connection with. I am unsure how I feel about this . . .

If an Idol falls in the forest.

Idol. Something visible but without substance.
Lame. Weak and ineffectual, unsatisfactory.
Dull. Dispirited, depressed. Not clear or resonant.
Bland. Having little or no distinctive flavour.

Kinda sums up this season, don’t it? More accurately, it sums up the final Sunday night performance show of Season Three. Battle of the Diva’s turned out to be less Emily and Kate going head to head in a glorious grudge match to the bloody end, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome style (two Idol’s enter, one Idol leaves), and ended up being a little bit more like what you would expect a Celebrity Fight between the brothers Crane to be (if say, Niles had dissed Foucault and then favourably compared the grapes of the Napa Valley to those from the banks of the Gironde river - I mean really, you just know Frasier ain’t having none of that shit, holmes.) In other words . . . . well, I have no other words, I just direct you back to the list of words atop this paragraph.

I fast forwarded through most of the bullshit talking so missed why the judges aren’t talking after each performace, I presume to avoid any and all touchdown bias. Doesn’t matter why, I heartily applaud the move anyway . . .

Team Kate
Maybe Tonight – The Idol Winner’s song makes me feel slightly less nauseated and sugary than previous years (specifically the travesty that Poor Poor Casey had to release) but it also makes me giddily wish for a second that we had gotten to hear the punk’d up DeadtomeOnetrickpony version. Kate’s singing is husky and soulful and I find myself enjoying it. I check my pulse to ensure I haven’t gone into a diabetic coma.
Shackles – Kate sings this really well, but I just want her to kick it up a freakin’ notch. She visibly reins herself in from going over the top, which I don’t fully understand. This song should make me want to get up and dance but I make do with a little chair dancing instead. Its not the same. Sigh.
How Could An Angel Break My Heart – well, for starters SHE MIGHT SING A SONG CO-WRITTEN BY BABYFACE. Gahhhhhhhhhhang on. This is actually quite . . . well, its . . . nice . . . she builds it well and it soars in the chorus and Competent Kate hits all the right notes again again. It’s a touch bland and less than memorable but she sings so well and I’m so horribly biased and she can do no wrong in my eyes, that I actually start wishing she would sing that nice Bryan Adams song from that wonderful Robin Hood movie that the not at all overrated Kevin Costner was in. It occurs to me that I’m going into sugar shock and I hurriedly inject myself with insulin and eat a garden salad.

Ch 10 advertises Veronica Mars. I smile smugly in the direction of the Veronica Mars first season DVD set that is currently taking over mine and Fosse’s life . . .
Ch 10 advertises Smallville. I don’t get it, but am nonetheless happy for Shaneequa and sad for the Charmed fans who seem to have been shortchanged this season.

Emily the maybe not so Anointed One
I promised myself I would not be unduly biased, that I would view Emily’s final three performances with as much neutrality as possible and draw on all my singing lessons and history and critique her fairly but Emily took that choice away from me by being flat out awful on two of her three songs. You have been warned. (also? Emily’s stock footage that I fastforwarded through seemed to altenate between her crying and getting touchdowns. MAN, will I be glad when this season is over . . . )
Emotions - the Bee Gee’s and Melodies & Harmonies of the World discuss the cost of hiring a lawyer. Emily, WHAT have you done to their song? It gets slightly better when she hits the chorus, but then she goes back to the verse and I shrink in horror again. Chicks don’t have a falsetto but it feels like that’s what she’s trying to do. Emily’s voice is trembly. Wow, is she nervous or what?
Since You’ve Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson has a KICK ass live voice and even she can’t do this song justice live. Singing this on Idol Extra with John and Erana I thought Emily sounded iffy and boy oh boy, was I right. Her lower register sounds terribly flat and the glory note is so unnecessarily shrieky that MY vocal cords hurt when she throws it against the wall and beats the living daylights out of it. While Emily was singing this song I started to think that maybe Kate was in with a chance to win this thing . . .
Maybe Tonight – but then Emily sang this. And I have to say, I think she sang it better and that it is arranged smart-er than Kate's version. They both sang it well, but Emily’s was definitely more mainstream, infinitely more commercial and the last performance of the night, which can’t hurt. And if Emily wins tonight, I think it might be on the strength of her very last performance. It really suits Emily’s style of singing, she’s finally confident and she sings it well. Damn.

The judges speak :
Marcia : “You go girls.” Riiiiiight. Sod off for another year Marcia, you are officially of no use to anybody. Oh, and Shut Up.
Mark : “A duet would be good”. A duet. Between these two? Wow, yeah, that act . . . ually wouldn't suck at all. Huh. So what you’re saying is you’re choosing now to say something that actually makes a skerrit of musical sense? Duuuuuuuuude. Shut up Mark.
Kyle : Babbles about nothing of any importance or interest to anybody until he says not to vote unless you’re planning to buy the winners CD. I furrow my brow in acknowledgement and concern at Wisdom From Kyle and start texting Kate’s name to 19 10 10 anyway. And just for the pure hell of it (and just like last years final) I text Chanel’s name as well. And then Tim’s. It can’t hurt, right?

(The original idea for this blog may have been blatantly stolen from the lovely Guru G. I’m sure she understands . . .)

And after I forgave you for Batman.

Well. Haven’t I gotten myself into quite the pickle? Thinking I could make wild extravagant promises because I wouldn’t have to follow through on them. Well, George showed me, didn’t he? Never underestimate the power of the Clooney. The Pony is gone and here I am, stuck in a position most of my (so called) friends will gleefully tell you, I am not relishing in the slightest. I have to tell a boy that I like him.

Ye gods.

I don’t have the slightest inkling of a burgeoning sprite of an idea how Bruno will take this. I don’t even know 100% for sure that he doesn’t have an existing girlfriend that I just haven’t heard about because I don’t ask the right questions. Or if he’s gay. Or recently divorced. Or even worse, a scientologist.

I do know this much. He’s funny, clever, enjoys taking the piss out of me, is freakishly knowledgeable about movies I’ve never heard of, has an adorable smile and some of the best forearms I’ve seen outside of an episode of early season three ER. In other words, I find him quite attractive.

But you could fill fourteen Olympic sized swimming pools with the fear inside me when it comes to actively flirting with a boy I like. A boy I don’t like? I am Flirty McSkirtoff. But present me with one who actually makes my heart go pitty pat that little bit faster and I delve fully into my mucho aggressive ‘I’m funnier than you, and clever-er and you don’t impress me one little bit with your beautifully brown eyes’ mode that apparently fails to get across my attraction. Strange huh? Surely my caustic, burning wit coupled with the ability to drop an ace punch line immaculately into the conversation at the pitch perfect moment, followed by stalking away nonchalantly because I don’t care if you have anything to add because can’t you see that I’m done? is the best possible way to meet and attract men. Right?

Apparently not. Apparently, men can’t read my mind and don’t necessarily know that when I’m being a total bitch to them it usually means I’m besotted. Apparently, men have forgotten that they used to be the boys who pushed the girl they liked over in the play yard. Or (and more likely) men have moved on and I’ve been left behind with retarded social skills that would appear to have screeched to a halt at the same time that the rest of me hit puberty.

Yes, this will be a massive step for me. History (mine) says it won’t go well. I’ve never been good at relaying my emotions in the non-written sense. Speaking involves saliva and my tongue seems to swell to three times its normal size and there’s no spell check. Oh and for those who have already been asking how it went, I will be waiting until AFTER the play is finished. We play husband and wife, which involves a lot of handholding and cuddling (no, there’s no kissing. Freaks.) and if I throw open the door of my heart and he hurriedly shuts it (I'd like to formally apologise for that analogy), I would rather we not have to continue performing with any uncomfortable . . . . uncomfortableness. So in under two weeks at the cast party it shall be, regardless of how hideously cliché that is.
To quote Ferris Bueller : Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

So this is me. Trying not to miss it. Ye gods.

I ask that it please be gentle.

Paging Doctor Seuss

An ode to DeadtomeOnetrickponyLee

I do not like him, I do not,
Not on my toast, not on a yacht.
I wouldn’t mind him in a cage,
But will not stand for him on Rage.
He can’t be Idol, not for real?
Does not impress, does not appeal!
I would not, could not let him sing,
He’s just plain bad, and here’s the thing -
If he is Idol, I shall scheme,
And hire a torturer to make him scream.
And if they catch me, “care not” I’ll say
“For he deserved to die this day”
In jail I’ll sit gladly, for my wicked plot
For I do not like him, I do not.


Team Kate
Heaven. Kate is good. Kate hits all the right notes. She sings the absolute bollocks out of this song to the point that Impossible Dream hangs its head in shame and slinks to the back of the Best Songs Kate Has Performed On Idol line. But Mark has his hate-on so very very hard for Kate and I get so angry with him that a cloud of red rage envelops me like PigPen from Charlie Brown. It reminds me of Mark saying on Inside Idol before the Elvis week that if she didn’t get a touchdown from him for Impossible Dream that she should be going home. I scream this in an incoherent manner at Fosse who flinches on the sofa and gets that look on his face, the look that says just agree with everything she says and maybe she won’t kill me in my sleep.

Like A Prayer. Kate is good. Kate hits all the right notes. She doesn’t so much sing the bollocks out of this song, but she has an awesome time on stage and it as infectious as bird flu. I can’t stop smiling as she sings but say (in a much calmer tone because the judges haven’t started ripping her to pieces yet) that she will never ever get a touchdown from Mark because he’s a complete wanker who hates Kate so very very much. Fosse gets that look on his face, the look that says he thinks it’s a very real possibility that Charles Manson had a child nobody knows about who grew up in a small country town in the north-west of Western Australia and eventually moved to Melbourne, started watching Idol and writing a blog and who one day . . . just snapped.
Kate does not get a touchdown. Kate gets slapped down again and basically told that they don’t want her in the final two. She is ridiculously professional about it all for a nineteen year old being humiliated on national television for being consistently competent and pitch perfect. At nineteen its entirely possible I would have leapt off the stage and started bitch slapping someone. Hell, that’s possible now . . .

DeadtomeOnetrickponyLee
Faith. DtmOtpL sucks all the sex out of this song and somewhere George Michael suddenly decides he might give girls a go for once. He is tuneless and the slow bit is particularly painful so it is almost a relief when he drops George’s version and awkwardly segues into the Limp Bizkit version. He hurts my head and my eyes. I beg him to stop. The judges don’t like his arrangement. I don’t like his very existence any more. I read old blogs where I liked him and it saddens me greatly. Mark calls him a one trick pony and right before my head explodes I scream at Fosse that he’s reading my blog. Fosse just looks pained.

Tainted Love. Pony doesn’t even try to do the Soft Cell version but jumps straight into the Living End one. He actually mimes the lyrics. I am not making this shit up. HE MIMES THE LYRICS. Girls scream, a couple of little boys in the front dance frantically, I cry for the Youth of Today. The judges love it to little tiny pieces. Mark says he wanted something more melodic and the Pony gave it to him. I ask Fosse if I just had a stroke and if I’m still speaking English because obviously Mark and I have different ideas of what melody is. Fosse wearily answers that we are quite simply not the demographic Pony is aimed at. I wish he was aimed out of a cannon into the same shark infested pool that this show is currently jumping.

Emily the Coldly Anointed One
Baby, One More Time. Emily doesn’t suit this song, her lower register is too weak and can barely be picked up by the microphone. She does some weird dance moves and tries to liven up the end by shrieking and wailing and I can’t muster the strength to even hate her anymore. I perk up a little when Kyle disses her, but he is shouted down by Marcia and Mark. I sulkily whisper a Shut Up Marcia under my breath but my heart isn’t in it anymore.

I Will Always Love You. I will always hate this song unless I am watching Best Little Whorehouse in Texas and Dolly is singing it about Smokey and the Bandit and even then by the time she gets to this song I’ve usually flicked to another channel because – Burt Reynolds? Ugh. I thought Emily would actually sing this better than she did, her upper register seems to lack a little control and too much vibrato but she is still a thousand times better than the Pony, I don’t care how entertaining he is. Her IWALY looks down its nose at the Pony’s Ben and sneers menacingly, causing it to whimper and run away. She gets a faux touchdown from Holden. He says he’s going to sit on his hands because he doesn’t want to manipulate or influence the voting in any way, but then proceeds to say Australia should vote in the best singer and barely contains himself from running up on stage and shouting that we shouldn’t continue with this sham of a competition because Emily is the winner, right??!! I hate him with every fibre of my being.

Final Two – I would love the final two to be Emily and Kate, I really would. I don’t particularly like Emily’s style of performing – the constant glorying noting, the humble tears, those RIDICULOUSLY large hoop earrings she wears, I think Emily is my punishment for being allowed Chanel last year – but nonetheless, I think she and Kate deserve to be the Final Two standing. But I’ve tipped Kate to go because, well, my mama didn’t raise no fool and 27 votes last week aside, if Lee actually goes tonight I will be surprised. **

**Fosse made a deal with whatever higher being he believes in (Judy Garland, I think) that he would be a good boy from now on if the Pony left tonight. I made him take it back - because you shouldn’t promise what you can’t deliver, right? – and instead promised the higher being I believe in (George Clooney) that if the Pony leaves tonight and we get Battle of the Diva’s and I get to yell Lets Get Ready To Rumble on the final performance night I will give that boy that I have a crush on that I’m in the play with (lets call him Bruno) my phone number. This is a mammoth step for me.

The King is dead. Right?

‘Kay. God’s honest truth? I can’t find it in me to get all that excited about a week dedicated to Elvis. I know, I know, pioneered white rock in the States, lots of number one singles, incredibly talented blah de blah etc etc and hey, they all seem to at least know who Elvis is this year (the Be . . . at . . .les . . . .who?), but the dude made some atrocious films that I was subjected to as a child by my babysitter and I have never been able to fully forgive him for Roustabout. I also sincerely believe that the only people/groups of people who should sing Elvis are the following :

A) Elvis impersonators, natch. Good or bad, who out there can deny that an Elvis impersonator will never fail to make you grin (except in the case of the movie Honeymoon in Vegas starring Nicholas ‘Its time to give back the Academy Award dude’ Cage and Sarah Jessica Louise Mary Englebert Brunhilda Parker and a hundred fat Elvis’. What is the collective noun for more than one Elvis impersonator? A fat of Elvises? A buffet of Elvi?)
B) Drunken businessmen with their jackets off, white shirts unbuttoned at the collar, tie askew and shirt sleeves rolled up, who tearfully dedicate their version of In The Ghetto to their mothers/girlfriends/favourite childhood pet, only after discovering that someone else has already booked in to do Love Shack. (Tiiiiiiiiiin Roof? Busted.)
C) The man in white himself. Should rumours of his death actually prove to be exaggerated and it turns out he’s been shacked up in the witness protection programme with Marilyn Monroe and James Dean.

Caveat : Now. You know and I know, that at this point I am ridiculously biased towards Kate and against the remaining three. The horror that will most likely be the reality of tonights eviction show is that Kate will go and I will be left with three ‘singers’ that I could NOT care less about. Last years final three I had the CourtJester (whom I worshipped) still left in the competition and Poor Poor Casey whom I admired, there was really only Anthony ‘I Wish I Were A Real Boy’ Callea who gave me nothing but who – personal animosity aside – I always acknowledged had a good voice. For Kyle and Mark to continually insist that this is the best Top 12 ever and that Emily is the best singer that has ever been in this competition and that Lee has a career ahead of him outside of working for the Ringaling Bros is a smack in the face of those who came before them. Chanel, Courtney, Casey, Anthony, Ricki-Lee, Cosima, Guy, Paulini, Ngairre. I would put every single one of these singers ahead of Emily and Lee in terms of talent, hell I would put Millsy ahead of Lee. Anyway. Fit pitched. Moving on.

Emily the Cold
Blue Suede Shoes. This arrangement felt too fast and rushed and she was pitchy and shouting at me and she makes my head hurt when she sings like this. The fact that Mark didn’t give her a touchdown made me think he was saving it up for her second song. I love it when I’m wrong . . .
Can’t Help Falling In Love. Quite nicely sung. The Anointed One (hatred aside) does have a technically proficient voice but what is with the need to mess up a great melody with the gymnastics? Oy, the gymnastics. The fact that she’s gotten away with this in the past made me steel my nerves for another undeserving touchdown . . . . oh ho, what’s this?? I hold on to the couch to keep myself from spinning into space as the earth’s gravitational pull inexplicably ceases working and the judges actually call her out on the unnecessary trilling. No touchdown this week Emily? Did you neglect to send Mark his fruit basket? (I remind myself that chortling with glee at the immense bitchface Emily pulls after failing to impress with her Mariah Carey impersonation, is terribly bad form.)

DeadtomeOnetrickponyLee
Teddybear. Before singing, DtmOtpL busts out some stuff about Elvis he ‘knows’. Gosh, Google is awesome, isn’t it??!! Then he proceeds to give the cheesiest performance ever (or as Fosse called it – gimmicky. He then went on to compare DtmOtpL to a reject from the German punk ‘realisation’ of Anthony Lloyd Webber’s Cats. I heartily concur). The singing is not as bad as his rendition of Ben, but hey it’s still pretty bad. He hits way too many bum notes and is basically terrible.
Jailhouse Rock (I am told by several Great Authorities on the matter that this is the Motley Crue version – guess Greenday need to expand their repertoire a little, huh?) Firstly, he wouldn’t last two seconds in an actual jailhouse block without becoming someone’s bitch faster than you can sms ‘can I still vote for Chanel?’ to 19 10 10. Secondly. Arrangement? Hate. Outfit? Hate. Faux punk bullshit? HATE. Please just make him stop. There is virtually no justification for keeping DtmOtpL in a competition that is about singing when he, in fact, can’t do that. Marcia notes that ‘people really dig what you do.’ Marcia? People are dumb. People voted for John Howard more than once. People travel to Bali and Thailand with cocaine filled condoms in their lower intestines. People drive drunk. People can generally not be trusted. In short? Shut up Marcia.

TeamKate
Burning Love. I really enjoyed this. It wasn’t perfect, but it was pitch perfect and by GOD, she looked like she was having fun. Imagine that you are Kate for a moment. Everyone around you has received a touchdown. At one point or another in the competition the other three contestants have been told they will probably win Idol or have a long wonderful career ahead of them. Whenever you go to meetNgreets the crowds scream their little girly lungs out for Lee/Emily and occasionally DreadyDan. You make the final four and it hits you. You’re Hayley from Season Two. You have a lovely voice, a charming personality but everyone seems a little confused as to how you’ve made it as far as you have. Now I personally prefer Kate’s voice to Hayley and think that Kate deserves to be final two, but history (Paulini and Hayley) tells us that fourth is as good as she gets. Do you mope around and give halfhearted performances because you don't give a damn anymore or do you pull yourself up by the bootstraps, say to hell with coming fourth and sing the perfect hell out of every song that comes your way in the slim chance that you might actually have more of a fan base than you think? Team Kate has well and truly taken the latter course of action and I say ‘bravo’.
Impossible Dream. Possibly my favourite Kate performance (and as Red noted this morning : Memo from Mark to Kate, IOU one (1) touchdown.). She looked amazing (except for the panda eyeliner on her bottom lid) and sounded fantastic. She built this slowly up to a lovely crescendo. That final note could have been bigger and better but I think she was feeling the emotion of the song (coupled with her voice issues from the last week) and held back on it a little so she could control the note better. I found the performance quite moving. I quite simply love her.

DreadyDan
Dan’s pre-song bit shows him sitting on some steps playing his guitar and singing a bit of Heartbreak Hotel. If they would actually let him do that on stage I would be a Dan fan all over again because he sounds relaxed and the guitar gives him something to do with his hands and somewhere to look. He sounds laidback, smooth and pretty amazing.
Hound Dog. Gee. This doesn’t start off suiting Dan at all. I love the arrangement, its very well put together and by the end I didn’t mind it so much, but Dan just doesn’t know how to perform to and interact with the camera at all. He might be fantastic as far as the live crowd is concerned but it doesn’t translate to the tv screen at all. I thought his husky vocals would suit the King perfectly, I’m a little surprised they don’t . . . he sounds a little flat. Kyle says he’s perfect every week. I wish I had taped all the episodes so I could go back and look over them, because I’m pretty sure Kyle is lying.
Heartbreak Hotel. This started in the wrong key for him but got better with the key change about a third of the way through - unfortunately Dan chose that moment to wander aimlessly across the stage looking like he was wondering when he could go pick up his unemployment cheque. He comes across as flat again. What are the crowd and judges seeing that I’m not? Anyone??

I honestly think its between TeamKate and DreadyDan but I would LOVE DtmOtpL to go so we could have a full show of actual singing in this singing competition. So TeamKate. Or DreadyDan. Or the Pony. Not the Anointed One, I would imagine she is as safe as safe can be . . . or is she . . . . ??

Bowie isn't just that guy who was in Labyrinth.

1970's. So many great songs to choose from. Heart of Glass, Blondie. ABC, The Jackson Five. Lets Get It On, Marvin Gaye. A Horse With No Name, America. Love Will Keep Us Together, Captain & Tenille. Joy To The World, Three Dog Night. Wish You Were Here, Pink Floyd. Kung Fu Fighting, Carl Douglas. Rock and Roll All Nite, Kiss.
And then of course . . .

Jean Genie, The Man Who Sold The World, Heroes, Fame. Bowie. Is there any name that screams 70’s more than Bowie? Specifically, Ziggy Stardust. (And also Elton John but quite frankly the thought of DeadtomeOnetrickponyLee punkin’ up Tiny Dancer is too too much to bear) Are the current crop of Idols too young to know about/appreciate the Glam(orous) One? In lieu of any decent songs last night (one Idol is exempt from this because the song he chose was perfect for him and an all round kickass number), please find my David Bowie suggestions and how I think it could have gone, versus how it did . . .

DeadtomeOnetrickponyLee
Suffragette City. If DtmOtpL had opted to rock out to Suffragette City instead of playing safe and choosing one of the Worst Songs Ever (better known as My Doesn’t This Song Go On Forever, Sharona?) then he might have thawed the ice around my heart a little. Of course firstly Greenday would have had to cover it so he could blatantly rip off the arrangement, then John Foreman would have had to lower the register because Bowie can actually sing in a decent key and DtmOtpL . . . . can’t. And then someone would have to explain to him what the song meant. Which he totally wouldn’t care about anyway. Actually, its probably better he stuck to The Only Song On The Reality Bites Soundtrack That I Always Without Question Skip Over As Soon As I Hear It Because It Makes Me Want To Throw Something. As it was, the hysterical girls in the audience nearly garrotted themselves to get to him so if he goes tonight we should all start repenting our sins because Armageddon doth approacheth. This will also need to be your reaction should he actually win . . .

TeamKate
The Man Who Sold The World. Anyone who caught Rockstar INXS and saw Jordis sing this song can appreciate what a melancholy song this can be if given the husky vocal treatment that our girl Kate does so very very well. It would have had me in tears of appreciation and thanks, as opposed to the tears of rage that Lady Marmalade brought me to. Karaoke. Pure and simple and I’ve been disappointed since Idol Extra that she had chosen this song. I was horrified that she then sang the fucking Moulin Rouge version and did the bullshit Xtina ‘yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah’ bits and aghast when she stuffed up. But she covered it well, continued to hit almost all the notes and was only slightly pitchy. Imagine my absolute dumsquizzlement when Marcia and Kyle said she was ill. There was general agreement in the ChezBelle household that she kicked ass, considering. And speaking of asses in desperate need of kicking . . . Mark? SHUT UP. Kate is an absolute professional who did a great job, I just despair at her song choice. She hasn’t been bottom three yet, but I think tonight is the night and I wouldn’t be surprised if the first time is the last time and we say our final fare thee well to her . . .

Spillane
Foreigner is your Bowie. Cold as Ice is your Goblin King. Sigh. Great song choice, great execution, really well sung. And so very, very sexy. He didn’t amble across the stage (shut UP Mark), he stalked, he glared, he dismissed us all snottily, he shot the camera the best death stare since someone tried to steal attention away from Emily. His voice and performance has improved markedly in the last two weeks, his last three song choices have been impeccable and he deserved the touchdown Dready got. Unfortunately, he isn’t the judges Favourite Child, both Spillane and Kate are this years Idol Middle Child – constantly overlooked and never adequately praised, who will consequently always do stellar work that will continue to be unrewarded, to the point where they have to go to therapy and whinge about how Mum didn’t hug them as much as their other siblings and they never got to sit in the front seat on long drives and why couldn’t they pick the restaurant on Fast Food Friday just once?


Emily the Cold
Heroes – for the pure and simple reason that I think Emily might think she is one. Gah. Officially my least favourite Idol this season and sharing equal billing with Emilia from Season Two in the movie of How To Get On TallulahBelle’s Very Last Nerve (coming to a theatre near you). Actually Emily is the only Idol that Bowie wouldn’t suit at all because his songs tend to be understated and not the kind of song that you can beat the living daylights out of vocally. Which is what she did with another of my least favourite songs, I’m Every Woman (on Idol Extra she said she was singing it for every woman in Australia. Ummmm. Thanks, but I’m good. If I want a Chaka Khan song dedicated to me, I’d rather it was Pack’d My Bags and I’d rather you sang it while you did exactly that.) The Anointed One sang a third of it well, a third of it pitchy and then proceeded to screech the final third at the top of her lungs and my pain threshold. (So a third of a touchdown would be a tou, right? Tou, Emily. Tou tou tou. Someone should tell Mark to straighten his skirt, his bias is showing . . .) I refuse to comment on her wardrobe – although if you squint when she sings you can now actually see the crown atop her head - and her Sally Fields impersonation. ‘You like me, you really like me!!’

There was another performance. Who the hell was that? I detested Lee, I was angry and then admiring of Kate, I had a private personal moment with Spillane and argued with Fosse over Emily . . . oh yes . . . Boring DreadyDan!

DreadyDan
Starman. C’mon DD, you’re so damn proud of your falsetto, here’s a real challenge. Sing me some Starman, you BIG wuss. Desperado?? That’s a really good song, but you singing it just about put me to sleep. Again. Except that for the first time you were pitchy and some of those notes were SO very bad that it woke me up again. Seriously? This is Dready’s best foot forward? Spillane’s fear is doing some bedhopping. Dready looked alternately bored and terrified last night. Desperado was in the wrong key for him and he looked like he knew it. Another completely stupid pointless touchdown. The touchdown (which had started to lose some of its credibility for me last year when Chanel’s Across The Universe didn’t get one – especially on a night when Casey forgot the lyrics to Eleanor Rigby and RickiLee did that horrible thing that she did to We Can Work It Out) has completely lost all meaning, significance and any semblance of sense.

Sidebar – I never thought I would say this or put it in writing for all to see but here ‘tis. I kinda love the hell out of RickiLee’s new single Sunshine. Along with Spook’s Faster (from The Dusk Sessions available at your local music store and currently sitting at number 2 on the HMV dance chart) once it gets stuck in my noggin it is awfully hard to get it out – and quite frankly, I don’t try that hard. It is pretty awesome. Word from Shaneequa is that the whole album is pretty good as well.

Bottom Three : DreadyDan, TeamKate and Spillane
Safe as Karl Rove’s job : Emily and the Pony
I don’t know who is going. I picked DreadyDan purely because he gives me nothing at the moment. Meh.

Don't stop 'til you get enough? ENOUGH.

Because The Powers That Be have decreed that three nights of Idol in the one week is barely enough*, we were subjected to not only the usual Sunday night car crash known as Motown but also the Up Close and Personal performances on Friday. UC&P nights are that ‘rare’ opportunity for the Idols to sing without being judged. But seeing that if they do make it in this industry they’re going to judged by every person they ever meet for the rest of their miserable mediocre RSL concert / local shopping mall appearance / supporting act for Shannon Noll singing ‘careers’, I think UC&P should be judged at least a little. Right?

*for ‘barely enough’ please feel free to substitute any of the following :
a) more Lee/DanS/DreadyDan? Oh my god, he is totally awesome and I wish I could watch him every night and he would be my boyfriend and that would make that bitch Suzie/Amber/Sasha/Tiffany at school sooooo jealous and she would totally want to sit with me at lunch and be my friend so she could steal him but I would be all ‘I don’t think so beeyotch, he’s MINE’.
b) an extra show at this point is fine now that Milly and FIHJ are gone and the level of mediocrity has lowered slightly plus they get to choose their own song which gives me more of an idea of what kind of music they’re into when they’re not pigeonholed by truly awful genres.
c) are you shitting me? An extra show? Dude, why? I think I get who these people are already and quite frankly I’d rather eat a live tarantula than get Up Close and Personal with any of them. Especially the guy with the dreads, I mean who knows what might be lurking in that hair. *shudder*
d) where is Charmed? Who are these morons? Is that Idol crap still on? GOD.


Anne:
UC&P : Dangerously in Love – Beyonce
I love you Anne, but this was so boring I fastforwarded through the last half of it. For all I know the rest was just freaking awesome but I somehow doubt it. Too much of the vocal gymnastics we all love to hate is making it very very difficult for me to continue defending you. I still think you have a better voice than your prayer buddy Shouty McSkankalot but when it comes to song choice, Emily is KILLING you.
Motown : If I Were Your Woman - Gladys Knight And the Pips
Register. Too low. Dance moves. Too stilted. Song choice. Too BORING. Anne! Sweet mother of all that is good, please please PLEASE start choosing better songs. You sang it reasonably well, but the lower register was a wee bit crackly and your eyes are starting to get this frantic scary glazed over look that I fear might be the result of the Touchdown-free environment you live in. Stop trying to please Holden, he is an ass. Stop singing all over the place and try the damn tune. Stop with the crazy eyes. Do not stop letting your mum come to the Sunday shows. She is awesome and I want to see her go head to head with Holden or Kyle . . . that would just about make my year.

The Anointed One:
UC&P : How Come You Don’t Call Me - Alicia Keys
I feel dirty. I don’t know why or how but Emily made me like her. This was a really strong performance, she ripped the vocals apart beautifully, she played with and up to the band and she looked like she was enjoying herself. Part of my problem with Emily the Cold is that every performance feels like an act, like she is putting on a show of what she thinks people want to see so that she will win. Which some might say is smart, but to me it just comes across as fake. But this? Was great. Why can’t you do that all the time EtC? I would be moved to consider burning a copy of that kind of CD . . .
Motown : River Deep, Mountain High - Tina Turner
. . . buuuut not this one. Gah. Oooh, look, it’s the artist formally known as Cosima. Sing sing sing, dance, wave to the crowd, dance, sing sing glory note sing annnnnnd finish wait for rapturous applause look humble accept touchdown like you had no idea that was going to happen oh my god I am so gracious and undeserving stick pin in fleshy part of leg and turn on waterworks. Ick.

DreadyDan:
UC&P : Rooster – Alice in Chains
Snooooooooooooore
Motown : Reach Out - The Four Tops
Snooooooooooooore
DreadyDan does nothing new – again. He looks bored – again. He doesn’t know how to interact with the tv cameras so spends both songs looking anywhere but at them – again. I take back all the comparisons with the CourtJester who – say what you will about his ego (which I never really saw as a problem, I loved that he stood up for himself and wish he would hurry up and release a CD) – was actually consistently fantastic, picked brilliant songs and seemed to actively listen to the judges (when they were being constructive – not you Marcia. Or you Holden. God I miss Dicko.) DreadyDan? Having a good voice? Not enough. Please get on Ebay and buy a personality and a smile that doesn’t look forced.

DeadtomeLee:
UC&P : Plush – Stone Temple Pilots
You rat faced little bastard. Don’t you DARE make me like you again. This is one of my favourite Stone Temple Pilots songs and if this is the kind of music you’re into than maybe you’re not so bad . . . *flashes back to Greenday fiasco* . . . no. I don’t care how well you sing this (and FYI, its not too bad), you are a one trick pony. One trick!
Motown : Ben - Michael Jackson
Hah!! See! One trick. Your new name is OneTrickPonyLee. Ouch. This doesn’t sound so great. In fact, its really quite bad. Lets ignore for the moment that Ben is NOT a motown song, not by any stretch of the imagination, and lets focus on the fact that when MJ sang this song he was a kid. He didn’t have a ‘falsetto’ as such, his voice was ALL falsetto. You can’t hit that note. Or that one. Gaaaaaaah, make the bad man stop singing mummy . . .

DanS:
UC&P : A Song for You – Don Hathaway
Hold on to your skirts ladies because Dan Spillane has FINALLY entered the building. That was just lovely. You can sing to me post coitally ANY day of the week.
Motown : Shaky Ground - The Temptations
You still can’t do a falsetto but man, why have you been hiding your light under that bushel? Bad bushel, bad bad bad. For the first time I think you actually deserve to be here. You’re singing well, you’re hardly shaking with barely suppressed fear at all anymore and you look like you’re enjoying yourself. You don’t deserve to go tonight based on these two performances at all. Good work, that man.

TeamKate :
UC&P : Ironic – Alanis Morissette
I really liked what TeamKate did with this song. She fiddled nicely with the melody and ‘put her own stamp’ on it. I do kind of wish she’d picked one of Alanis’ better songs but out of all the Idols she was the only one to pick something that probably 95% of the audience will recognise, which surely works in her favour. I just want her to mix it up a little bit more.
Motown : I Wish - Stevie Wonder
I only caught the tail end of this on my first viewing so initially my only reaction was to scream at the tv screen as Asshat Kyle waxed long and lyrical about the FUCKING TAN LINES under Kate’s arms. Yes, read that again. The TAN LINES. If it was not already screamingly obvious that this man knows as much about the music industry as I do about the breeding habits of the mongoose, then it REALLY is now. You see, I know the mongoose exists, I know that there have been mongeese in the past and can posit the theory that there will be mongeese in the future, therefore the mongoose must possess breeding habits. But I don’t know what or how they work, so I don’t pretend to be an expert on the subject and appear on Australian Mongoose and give my opinion to the previously perfectly happy and healthy mongeese who worked their little mongeesey butts off to get to the Final Six ONLY to be told they’ll never make it in the industry because although they killed that snake perfectly, they don’t have the sartorial elegance to pull off walking the red carpet as they have stubby tails and the fur on their heads doesn’t match the fur on their hind legs as pleasingly as it could. Ass.
Upon second viewing I concurred with the opinions of most. She rocked. I love her and wish her all the best as the Person Who Comes Second In Australian Idol And Somehow Does Better Than The Winner.

Bottom Three : DanS, DreadyDan and either Kate or Anne.
Safe as Houses : Emily and Lee

But in a moment of either pure clarity or perfect insanity, I picked OneTrickPonyLee to go . . .

When Will I, Will I Be Famous?

Now, I’ve had a crappy weekend. I haven’t been feeling well and consequently I am in a foul temper and quite frankly I’m not in the mood to take/watch/listen to any shit. So all I’m asking is that Idol not suck. Too much to ask? Apparently so based on last night’s . . . for lack of any other word . . . show. Dissect. Disgust. Delouse. Discuss.

Holden has already anointed Emily the Cold as winner. She might as well be wearing a frickin’ crown on her head. As far as he is concerned she is Australian Idol 2005. He said on Extra that he already thought she was ‘as good as any winner we’ve had’. Man, they’re really upset that Ricki-Lee didn’t win last year aren’t they? Emily was pitchy, her vibrato was all over the place, she looked over-rehearsed with her ‘spontaneous’ audience participation and she sang one of the top ten alltime favourite karaoke songs of 1998. Gah. Just . . . GAH. Why do they love her? I get that she’ll sell CD’s and be a whole lot more marketable than Poor Poor Casey will ever be but does that make her the right choice?

Holden, don’t you dare tell FIHJ NOW that he needs a vocal coach and singing lessons. YOU put him through Wildcard, you thought he was good enough then, WHY are you choosing to tell him now that he needs singing lessons? Not that its anything new to me, I’ve said that before and if he doesn’t go tonight, I’ll say it again, BUT the time to say that was at the Seymour Centre. Not after several weeks of performing, not after making me sit through weeks of his tuneless bollocks and NOT after he’s made it this far. James told G he was a bit lost. FIHJ? That’s because the trail of breadcrumbs I left for you led out the door and to the bus station where I left a ticket for you back to your mother’s house, and NOT back on to stage. Tonight I’ll leave you a map, a spelunking helmet and some global positioning equipment, use them wisely.

Team Kate should be a little worried tonight. There is a very real chance, she’ll bottom three tonight, although if I had my way she’d be one of the final two standing in this comp. I thought she was joyful tonight, very infectious. She was enjoying herself on stage and I loved the ponytail, I just wish she’d done some Madonna or Cher – that would have been awesome. I don’t get what Holden is talking about, I don’t think of this song as a song about passion, but rather a song of joy and happiness which I thought she totally nailed. It’s Chaka Khan, not Don’t Cry For Me Argentina. Buuuuut. Not my favourite Kate performance and I am concerned for her.

Oh DanS . . . I think you sang well tonight, but dude, did you pick the wrong song or what? Mindblowingly boring. You know how you can sit in a lecture hall and listen as your professor extols the virtues of Brechtian methodology and Theatre of the Absurd and he gets to the bit about alienating your audience through the use of lights and visual aids and your ass and left foot simultaneously falls asleep? DanS singing Simply Red? Meet my ass and left foot.

DreadyDan, go ahead, diss the New Romantics and watch me lose any slight hint of love I might have had left for you. From that point on, I watched/listened DreadyDan sing with my jaw firmly locked in the position known as Unimpressed TallulahBelle. I unhinged it long enough to note that he was slurring his words a bit and that he looked gormless. DreadyDan, you are without gorm. Also, does he have his own personal sweatwrangler, because boyfriend sweats a LOT on stage. He still sounds great, but he is coasting. He’s Robin Williams in The World According to Garp cruising down the hill in the dark to his house in his car with the engine and the lights off. Anyone who knows that film knows that ends . . . badly for Robin. I see DreadyDan as the kickass lead singer of an awesome band, but not as a solo artist.

I don’t know what Anne did to Mark, but it must be the same thing Chanel did to Marcia last year. She is the best again for the second week in a row and she gets nothing from Mark. Yes, she was totally aiming for a touchdown, yes the song was tailor made for it, as was her performance and yes, she was distraught that she didn’t get one. Not that I applaud that kind of neediness, nor am I a fan of the vocal gymnastics that was peppered throughout her performance, but based on previous Idols who got away with that kind of shit – yes, Guy, Paulini, Ricki-Lee, I AM looking at you – she obviously thinks that’s the best way to get to him. Just sing well Anne and stop giving a crap what Holden thinks. And don’t let what happened next upset you too much. Leave that up to me . . .
. . .

WHAT THE FUCK. Touchdown? TOUCHDOWN? Are you shitting me? THAT got a touchdown? What did I miss? Two weeks ago Holden wouldn’t have touched this guy with a bargepole and now he gets a touchdown? For THAT? DeadtomeLee’s schtick won’t sell CD’s, not in this country and definitely NOT to the Idol core audience of 12to15yo girls who think DtmL is the shit. That arrangement was derivative and dull, it was repetitive and choppy and it did your vocals no favour at all, you sounded breathy and angry. Basically, I think DtmL somehow found out that either Holden is a nazi war criminal living under an assumed name or he gave his mother a ‘carnation’ about nine months before DtmL was born . . . if you know what I mean and I think you do. Papa, can you hear me?? Surely only the threat of a trial or twenty odd years of lapsed child support could be the reason behind such a marked turnaround. The worst part of all of this is that I turned to Fosse whilst DtmL’s pre-singing pimpage was on and said that ‘I bet he gets a touchdown tonight’. Damn my precognitive abilities and its sporadic nature.
So, to recap. Mark Holden? Shut up.

Bottom three : most likely to be FIHJ, DanSpillane and frighteningly possibly Kate.
Top three? Who cares. I know I don’t.

Oh, and much love to John Foreman. Much much love. I have been waiting three seasons for someone to Flock of Seagull’s their hair on 80’s night. Thank you John, you kept me from putting my foot through the tv screen. My tv screen thanks you, my foot thanks you, my visa bill thanks you.